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One month to life

Updated: 2018-03-02T17:09:59.514+00:00


strange feeling


I read in a local paper of a 22 year old who died last week during a motor cycle accident. I have now found out who he is as I will be 22 this year so wondered if I knew the person. I have a stranger feeling that I did see him at school (it says he went to the same school), I even have a strange feeling that he was in my class during a level, although I am probably wrong.

I think the worst part of it is knowing that someone my age is dead. It was just an accident and now he is gone. I feel so sorry for him and for his parents. A young man with so much ahead of him. Its just such a shame.



Around this time, 23 years ago, One of my brothers was born. He was born to early and died the following day. I of course don't remember this as I was born a year after him.

Its a strange thing for me to think about. In one way I feel as though there is something missing in my life, brothers who are close in age usually remain close throughout their life. It can feel as though half of me is missing (which would explain a lot).

In another way it has no effect on me. It might sound harsh, but he wasn't around when I was born. It has effected my family more then it has me as they all saw him and spent the little time they had together, I can only learn from what they tell me. And I do feel sorry for them. In some ways I miss my brother too.

My mum just told me that she should have given birth to him around this time, on this day. I dodn't know what to respond. I know that if he had survived then I wouldn't be here today as they wouldn't have wanted any more children. Its an odd thing to think that I have another brother, someone who I never met. In some weird way I owe my life to him. But I cant help but wonder how it might have been if we both survived, how our life's might have been different.

Hello Again!


Sorry I haven't been on in quite a while. Its been a busy time, the birth of my new nephew last month including a 5 day visit from him and his parents.

Currently I am trying to sort things out with the job centre so that I can work again, just doing a few hours a week to start off with. i have gotten a lovely mower (makes me feel manly, its red, my version of a sports car). So hopefully soon I will be doing a few local gardens. I'm slightly looking forward to it as I cant wait to have some freedom and also i last did peoples gardens when I was 16. But in some ways I'm not looking forward to it either as I sometimes find it a bit boring. But hey ho, a jobs a job.

That's all for now folks.

family update and the christmas holidays


Well I am pleased to announce a new arrival to the family, I now have a niece. She was born at the weekend just before Christmas. But I can add to that news as my brother has also asked his girlfriend to marry him (she said yes).

It has been a busy few days, enjoyable and thought provoking. We have had our new arrival, the good news from my brother and shared a few days together as a family. Sadly there was some bad news a few weeks ago involving someone who was in my year at school. While on holiday he got shot in the head during a tragic accident. He is still alive but is expected to have disabilities. That really made me think, he is the same age as me and almost lost his life. Life is a wonderful yet fragile thing and my heart went out to his family this Christmas.

This year I got my nephews an electric guitar. Its there birthday present as well. I wanted to get them one as they had shown an interest and while there young its best to learn. The looks on there faces when they opened it up made it all worthwhile. It will be something I will never forget. Now I'm going to get some guitar lessons sorted, so who knows, I might be playing guitar with my nephews one day.

To all of you out there, I hope you had a happy and peaceful Christmas.

Another update



After getting that shirt a few months back, I finally actually wore it.



Sorry I haven't been on for so long, busy time of year.

well about two weeks back I had a bad cold/ flu type thing, hence the last post. Sadly colds and flu set me back. Anxiety problems usually start after a flu/ cold, so its not surprising that after you have one, anxiety gets worse.

Thankfully I have started going out again although it feels like i have started from the beginning. The first few times I went out, I was extremely nervous by the time I had gotten down the road. every time a person went past I would feel even worse.

All I can do is carry on with getting out and hope things ease off again soon. Although with a new niece and nephew on there way very soon, something tells me its going to get quite busy around here.

johnnie darko


There are times just like this when the urge to run away from life, from responsibilities, is at its greatest. Life has developed in to nothing. Freedom does not exist. Everything we do is monitored, every simple thing made complex, every detail enlarged. How long can we go picking at ourselves?

I'm going to work for myself, has soon as I have found out all the red tape and how it works.

Freedom is what you make of it. Money plays no part.People are what you make of them. Risks have to be taken in order to learn, so you can experience... life.

Right now all I want is to be alone, to have no one around me. Whats my greatest flaw? People, they are what bring the worst out of me, people.



Well my TMA is not going very well. Nothing is inspiring me and im in a mood because its so cold and dark outside. i used to like the winter but Im really not enjoying it at all this year.

With my TMA (assignment) due in tomorrow, im just going to have to send in the rubbish I have produced. I did write a second one but even that wasn't any good.

sorry I haven't bin on any blogs recently, just snowed under trying to sort this course stuff out. All the exercises I have done turned out brilliantly only for the assignment to turn out rubbish. Im not too bothered about the marks for it, I would rather have known that i had produced a good quality piece of writing instead.

did you see that


In the last post I put 'because i WAS agoraphobic', you see, my thinking has changed without me even knowing it. Lets hope this is the way forward.



well I did spend 15 mins writing something only to press send and get the 'cant display page message'. Turned out my modem wanted a little break and didn't tell me. So I lost what I wrote, but never mind.

I have changed the 'about me' profile section. It used to say that I was agoraphobic, but I didn't like having that there. The thing about labels is you start living by them. Its like when my parents tell people that I didn't come with them because I was agoraphobic, really its because I would be bored stupid and wouldn't be the slightest bit interested going. That's why I don't like the term, it gets used for everything and takes over. so i wont be using that label. Hope this makes sense, it does to me.

latest update


well..... went to the tip three times on Sunday with my dad. Cant say I enjoyed it. I thought I would have enjoyed it more, however I was surprised at the amount of traffic there is. Only a few years ago you could go out on a Sunday and see three cars, this time it was like a week day rush hour and I am by no means joking. We had to wait behind about 10 cars at the tip each time we went there. Three years ago we never had ques.

I have been trying to catch up on my course work. Got a little behind trying to sort out the garden. Now the weathers so cold creative writing will have all the time it needs. Wrote a little something yesterday. Will edit it a bit and post it up.

Getting my hair cut on Thursday. I'm looking forward to it, getting it done short again so its more manageable. I'm hoping that it will refresh me a little more.

i have wondered out on the odd day Sometimes walking, sometimes cycling, or sometimes bit of both. Now the days are getting dark I think I will need to re look at my lighting.

To be honest I'm a little... out of focus I suppose you could say. I like to think of what job I would like to do etc and I do have a few ideas, but when I cant stand having people anywhere near me... I suppose the end goal just seems so far off. I find it easier not to think of an end goal at times, I try to remember what it was like when I walked to school or went out on my bike, walked the dog etc, when I was younger. I try and think of how I used to be. I want to enjoy the outdoors. How can a modern lifestyle be so good when it makes so many people like me? There are thousands of people with anxiety, depression, social problems..... I have to say that I blame it on how we live. Everything is too fast, too demanding and if you cant keep up then your forgotten about. People go to work to try and keep a roof over there head, to pay off the mortgage that's 8 times there wadge. Why cant people be allowed to enjoy work anymore? to enjoy life. Life is such a precious thing that gets taken for granted.

I think I'm done rambling now, it just really gets to me.

the latest


Well today I finished preparing the soil down the side of our house. I have previously dug out about 5 inch's of soil, put down a weed liner (stops the weeds growing through, we have problems with one which roots very deeply). So today I finished putting the last bit of soil on. Will hopefully tomorrow put the seed on (although its supposed to rain in the morning so will have to see how the soil is). We are having meadow grass which is a mixture of grasses and wild flowers.

Went for a little walk after dinner. Had some young people drive past in a mini. Why is it young people have to use there horn? I almost jumped out of my skin but thankfully stayed calm... very calm for me.

I'm now trying to decide how I want my hair done, will try and get it cut next week if the hairdressers free (and if I have any money).

Got a book today on face toning. says it works in three to four weeks so I will post before and after photos up in a few weeks. Hope it does work. Want to get some arm weights too.

Course explained and a little exercise


I forgot to mention what A215 was (thanks for pointing it out). The OU course (A215) is a creative writing course. I have previously done a fiction writing course so this was next on the list for me. Sadly I missed the tutorial yesterday. I think I would feel more comfortable going to one when I'm settled in to the course a little more.

Currently I am trying to spruce myself up a bit. Want a few new changes like a new hairstyle, I'm thinking of going short again.

I recently got myself a helmet so I can go cycling again. Went out with it today, just round the block. I want to try and make that a regular thing. I do love to cycle.

there's not really much more to add at the moment. While I do my course I might post up the odd story or something. I will be doing quite a lot as you have to write each day.

O yea, found a bike alarm the other day, thinking of getting one. You can even get a tracking device for if it gets stolen. I know of two people who have had bikes stolen in town so they might come in handy.

I also found a really nice picture that I'm thinking of getting for my room. Its called 'going home at dusk' and its by john Atkinson Grimshaw. The painting is on the cover of a Sherlock Holmes book that I have. Always have liked it. Its very dark and cold but in a warm way. It reminds me of when I used to take my dog for walks in the winter. There is just something so nice about being wrapped up and walking in the rain.... or maybe its just me?

Hello again


Ok so this time I really did forget about the blog.

well I have been busy during the last week. my parents went on holiday so I had the house all to myself for the whole week!. That was a first for me. I cleaned the place through and was just about to get a few tins of paint and a new sofa when my parents came back, turned out they hadn't forgotten where we lived. I knew I should have changed those locks.

I have also started the Open Uni course A215 which I am enjoying. However although last week left me with a lot of things to do, this weeks I don't really have enough. I need some physical things to do, I cant write until I have worked off some energy.

Will hopefully go for a walk tomorrow, got to go down to the tip as well with my dad. I was busy in the garden last week digging out a patch. We are putting meadow grass (different grasses and wildflowers) down the side of the house. We have a little field mouse down there so it will be a mouse run for him.

i have ordered a helmet so I can get back on my bike again. I really want to exercise more. I like to feel fit, get some fresh air. But I daren't go on my bike without a new helmet (other one is too small).

Will hopefully post again soon.



sorry, I haven't been on here in a while. I'm a little confused at the moment and have been spending some time trying to think things through. Why are things never easy?

I haven't forgotten the blog and will be back again soon.

Retail therapy


Although the last few days haven't been that good (not feeling 100% and not sleeping very well), there is nothing a bit of retain therapy cant help. My mum got a sales leaflet through the other day. Not only did I find some combat trousers which I wanted at a reduced price I also found the shirt and jeans I'm wearing (yes I know they still have the tags on). Not bad though are they.

Day 31


well another day gone. Still got the sniffles and had another bad nights sleep. But I have had a good bath and a shave and gotten on with some of my studying for my new course.

Its been a month now since I started this blog. So tomorrow i will try and have a good read through and will do a little write up about it, a summary if you like.



In case other people caring for people with anxiety/ agoraphobia etc were reading the last post. I'm not saying that relationships will be the cause for everyone. The cause will be different for each person.

Its not easy coping with someone in my situation, which is where I had a lot of respect for my ex. So if you are looking after someone, then good for you. when your going through a difficult time, its always good to know that you have a partner who you can rely on. that goes for parents too. Although you may think your support gets unnoticed, trust me it doesn't and one day you will be thanked for it.

Day 30


I'm still a little unsettled about last week, so many changes. Saying that though I think they have all helped. I actually felt like going out today, I wasn't worried like I usually am. In fact I went out on my bike, something I haven't done in a while. I really enjoyed it. I didn't go very far but I think it was the first time I had been out on my own without a single worry. Could it have been that being in a relationship caused all this, it did start not long after I began going out with my ex. I feel like I have come to terms with the relationship being gone now, I have all the memories but I cant remember very well what it all felt like (which I'm a bit sad about). Maybe letting go of my ex is the key to all this? However I would need to find out why a relationship caused this (if that is the case).

not feeling all that bright again today. didn't get a good nights sleep last night. I felt fine until the evening. Think I am getting a cold so i will take things easy tomorrow and make sure i wrap up warm, maybe a morning bath will help. Love baths, haven't had one in ages (Ive had showers instead, in case you were wondering). I can sit in a bath for a good hour, I usually take a book but I so often don't read it, just sit back and think.

I feel a bit bad about turning this person down for a relationship at the weekend. They were lovely, hadn't had much luck with relationships and I just hope that they don't feel hurt by it. It would have been wrong for me to have just gone along with it, would have caused more hurt further on. I just hope that someone gives them the chance, its not often you come across such a warm hearted person.

Days 27, 28 and 29


Sorry! I know I haven't been on here for a few days, really bad of me I know. Well I have quite a bit of good news. I have decided that I'm not ready for a relationship. I don't crave for my ex like I used to and its not that that's holding me back, its myself. I want to do a few things on my own. I want to get out, get a job and get a flat. I want to fill that flat up with my things and do what I want to do for a while. So maybe in a year or two when I have satisfied myself, I might look out for someone then.

I have gained a new friend! He is a radio presenter and the most nicest person that you could ever meet. My situation doesn't bother him at all and I must say its so nice to have the company again. We have met up twice in recent days and he is due round at the weekend. The good thing about friends is that they are not around you all the time, and they are always there when you need them.

I have also gotten a CBT book which was recommended to me by Cathy (whose link I really should put up), and her son. Just started reading through it and i must say that it looks as though it will be good.

I do worry however. Things are starting to go right for a change and i keep finding myself wondering whats going to go wrong.

And thank you for your comments people, I do try to reply to them (under the comments posted). Its good to know that I have support out there. Its also a very good way of getting to know some very interesting people. this blog has opened a new world up to me.

Although I haven't been out much... OK, at all, for the last few days, I have at least begun to retrieve a social life again. It was all very confusing for me at first but me and my new friend seem to be understanding each other more and more. its nice to have met someone who is so patient and who I can actually feel relaxed around.

Bit under the weather at the moment, maybe the start of a cold. So I don't really know what I will do tomorrow, will have to see how I am. Got a lot to do in the garden before autumn sets in, its already getting cold.

Day 26


What a week. An emotional roller coaster. A challenge. I don't think I can put it all in to words just yet. Everything is still sinking in.

Thank you Aimée for your comment. I cant believe it has almost been a month now. So much has happened in that time and so much has been achieved. A lot still needs to be done.

Is it possible to be in love with two people? Can you love someone who you can't be with yet love another person just as much at the same time?

Day 25


A very busy day for me. I had to go out with my mum in to town, which went well, walked back by myself with the shopping.

just feeling a bit confused at the moment. Emotions are... well they are just not there. i feel blank like I don't know who I am. Its just really odd. the whole week has been odd though.

Think I just need some time to myself, time to think about what I really want again.

Day 24


very tired today, was up late last night. On the plus side I did go for a little walk, wasn't a good one though. felt tense and awful all day.

Don't think I can really add anymore to this, just been a plain day.

Day 23


What an odd day. such a mixture of emotions.

finished the front garden which is great and me and my dad might be doing something together at last, the side part of the house, replanting a border. We hardly get time to do things together so I'm looking forward to it.

I think I have also got myself a date for the weekend. This is my first date in 18 months since my relationship ended. I'm looking forward to it, but also I'm nervous. I just hope nothing goes wrong, hope I'm not too anxious. This might sound stupid but in some ways I feel as though I'm cheating on my ex, which I'm not as we are not going out together any more. Its just that I was so in love and never thought I would go out with anyone else. I hope this will pass.

... I am very excited though :)

Also got my new course through today. Creative writing. It looks like fun, also looks hard work. Really am looking forward to it though.

Maybe I wont be single this Christmas?

Day 22


bit glum today, well this evening. Wont go in to detail as it might just be nothing.

Feel a little lost, out of focus. Like I don't know what I'm heading for anymore. the last few days have just drifted by and I've realised that I've hardly been happy. Hopefully it will pass.