Subscribe: Coming Out Clean
http://comingout-clean.blogspot.com/feeds/posts/default
Added By: Feedage Forager Feedage Grade B rated
Language: English
Tags:
ago  day  didn  feel  good  internet  love  made  make  maybe  might  relationship  someone  things  time  work  years 
Rate this Feed
Rate this feedRate this feedRate this feedRate this feedRate this feed
Rate this feed 1 starRate this feed 2 starRate this feed 3 starRate this feed 4 starRate this feed 5 star

Comments (0)

Feed Details and Statistics Feed Statistics
Preview: Coming Out Clean

Coming Out Clean



"The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple." - Oscar Wilde



Last Build Date: Mon, 05 Mar 2018 17:41:42 +0000

 



CHERRY POPPIN’: A Singles Soiree for a Cause

Mon, 09 Feb 2015 14:51:00 +0000

Singles, like romantic couples, have as much to celebrate this February!Come and join the Loveyourself’s CHERRY POPPIN' Singles Soiree on February 21, 2015 to meet and mingle with other strapping gay guys, share engaging dating stories, and dance to the hypnotic beats of Boys Can Trance.You also have a chance to snag a date at our luscious charity auction featuring sweet and sexy guys that just might be worthy of your cherry lips.But this post-Valentine poolside party is open to all - single guys and girls, couples, and all those fuzzy shades in between!Tickets are sold for only PhP250.00 inclusive of a free drink. Tickets are limited, so inquire now at 09063228873 or sign up at http://go.loveyourself.ph/CherryTickets before it’s party time. The event starts at 5:00 pm till midnight at the rooftop area of West of Ayala Bldg., 252 Sen. Gil Puyat Avenue, Makati City.***Ticket sales and auction proceeds will help raise funds for the benefit of LoveYourself, an advocacy dedicated to HIV testing and awareness.Casual ConvosLooking for a post-Valentine’s pick me up? CHERRY POPPIN’ Singles Soiree kicks off with casual conversations on singlehood and dating. Chat the afternoon away in carefree café-style sessions on finding yourself, finding love, dating and courtship and being in a relationship. Know more about yourself and that cute guy across you!Date AuctionThen the night heats up with a fun date auction. Get a chance to go out on a date with our featured hot guys. Take your pick from a handsome indie film actor, a sexy accountant, a hunky banker, a buff BPO guy, and a boy-next-door entrepreneur. These men will surely stimulate your mind and mesmerize your heart on a fancy dinner—just the two of you.We also have mystery auctions that will make your heart flutter when they are revealed and put up for bidding at the event itself.Winning bidders will get an all-expense paid dinner date for 2 and a couple’s massage session. These are made possible with the help of our sponsors: Aesthetic Science, Bliss Pleasure Enhancing Lubricants, The Sanctuary, and The Pulse.Poolside PartyThroughout the CHERRY POPPIN’ Singles Soiree, the Boys Can Trance takes the temperature higher with sick beats and lively music. Feel free to dance with your gang, newfound friends or that handsome stranger you’ve been eyeing.See you! [...]



Acceptance

Sun, 07 Sep 2014 13:48:00 +0000

I have made the decision to accept my present circumstances. It's not contentment per se but I am hoping that will follow. I've been fighting my being all along - from my love life, to my schedule, my work, my financial reality - and have made stupid decisions that gave me regrets over the years.
I accept that I am single. Maybe I'll find love again someday but I accept the feeling of being alone for now. Hopefully, that will end those random dates that are more for the sake of company than the quality of company.
I accept that my work schedule will demand to be the priority of my life. All my personal plans are tentative at best because of the unpredictability of my work. I hope that this will put a stop to my compulsive shopping whenever frustration steps in.
I accept my financial status. - which isn't really much right now. I'm in over my head and I can't afford anything new. Everything I have right now works more than adequately for my needs and hobbies. I don't need newer gadgets, I just want them.
I accept myself.



Work = Sanity

Thu, 21 Aug 2014 00:34:00 +0000

Another hard truth I have to accept about my life - my work, no matter how stressful, keeps me sane. I may have a hard time getting up in the morning especially on a holiday and I may think that I should be sleeping in late and enjoying the great weather, then spend the whole day relaxing maybe watching TV.

But the reality is I would be wide awake in my bed thinking of whom to possibly spend the day with and most likely turn to PR, Grindr, WeChat to try and hook up. It may or may not work. If it does, I'd find myself in a mall anticipating the "date" and get angry since he's bound to be late and then feel regret about spending what little money I have on a movie with someone not even capable of carrying on a simple conversation.

If it doesn't work, I'll drag myself out of bed before lunch and then regret staying in bed for too long. After lunch it'll be back to bed or try watching TV and procrastinate reading. Then before I know it, evening will arrive and I'll get mad at myself for wasting the day and not accepting the invite of some random guy on the net whom I'm not really that into, thinking that anything could be better than how I just spent my day.

The bitter truth is that when I'm at work, I can't make stupid compulsive decisions with regards to my social life. I can't blame myself for wasting time. I can't spend my money for anything aside from food - and I'm too lazy even to eat. And I won't have to go through the anxiety of trying to meet someone new.

So I really should be happy that I'm on duty on a holiday. I should. Yey :(


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone



Quality of Life

Thu, 10 Jul 2014 15:29:00 +0000

An 80yr old lady comes into the clinic. She's strong (for her age), sharp mind, good hearing, good eyesight, can walk fairly well with a cane for assistance. She's had a good life - her children have their own families and are doing well. A son is taking good care of her.

She has cancer - a big one in her neck. But otherwise she's fine. She wants to get an operation because, well, it's cancer...

How can I make her understand that it's not that simple a decision? A few years earlier, it would be an easy decision.

She might not survive the surgery. If she does, she might not fully recover and wish she didn't get the surgery in the first place. If she does survive, she might not survive the radiotherapy and chemotherapy that has to come after the surgery. If she does survive, she might not fully recover. If she does fully recover... that's a lot of "IFs".

How can I make her understand that the extra time the surgery MIGHT give her could be spent bedridden and totally dependent on her relatives?

How can I tell her that if she doesn't undergo surgery, she might even die of old age before the cancer kills her?

But then again, I'm not even sure of any of the above. They are all just possibilities.

And yet, I know more than she does. And I know once she undergoes surgery, there is no turning back. The end of her life is inevitably near and the cancer might not even have an effect on her lifespan. And surgery could.








Hub Chronicles 2: Internet Information Danger

Sun, 02 Feb 2014 00:56:00 +0000

It was drama day. I had few counselees but several were on an emotional high. I consider it a weird day at the hub when I get 3 girls who burst into tears and 2 of them hugging me:Female counselee #1: Six weeks ago she noted flat "rashes" on her palms and soles. No pain, no itchiness, just flat redness. Like any tech savy individual she turned to the internet and searched for conditions that "fit" her symptoms. She found Secondary Syphilis but instead of confirming with a doctor she accepted the information as her "diagnosis" and suffered in worry and shame (even if she knew she didn't have any risk factors) for 6 weeks before finally deciding get herself tested.Female counselee #2: Currently in a stable relationship but had a past relationship with someone from another country. She read in the internet about the high incidence of HIV in that country and started to worry. She read about the signs and symptoms of HIV+ persons and began to "feel" those symptoms herself until she was convinced she was HIV+. Several weeks later, she got tested.Female counselee #3: she works in another country. One day she noticed several nodes on both sides of her neck. She consulted a doctor and the suspicion was TB. A blood test was requested (this was in another country) which came out negative. She was convinced that it was a false negative result so she searched the internet for reasons why that blood test would come out falsely negative and she focused on one - HIV - and she accepted that she had it. She applied for an extended vacation leave and came home. She knew she was loyal and her partner swore his loyalty, too. For 3 months she lived with the fear and worry of what HIV would do to her and what it would mean for her family. Then she got tested.The Internet is great source of information (and I wish I had this much access when I was in Med School).BUT...Information, especially medical information has to be placed in context. Nothing in Medicine is absolute. If you think you have something, check the internet and if you find something, go to a doctor for confirmation. Never diagnose yourself solely by information found in the internet even if you are in the medical field. Even doctors loose their objectivity when treating themselves or close family members.And, if you think you have a sexually transmitted infection. Get tested NOW. [...]



All I Want for Christmas 2013

Tue, 24 Dec 2013 02:25:00 +0000

Tagged by Aris.The Rules are:1. Make a post entitled “All I Want For Christmas 2013” and use the photo above.2. List 6 things that you want to receive as a gift.3. Tag 3 friends who will make the same post (no tag backs).4. Send me the link so I could check it too (optional).I'm really fond of gadgets so it won't be a surprise why I'm wishing for the following:> Retina MacBook Pro 15" with maxed out specsmy dream machine. and always out of reach.> iPad Mini w/ Retina Displayanother excuse to get all my reading done :)> An All-expense paid, pocket money-provided, stress-free/work-free 2-week vacationBoracay! :)> A maintenance-free gym bodi don't really have the discipline or the stamina and the time to achieve this.> my own condo unitrent free, of course :) and fully furnished :)> good health and happiness for my familytagging That Nishiboy, Corporate Closet, and Manila Gay Guy [...]



Hub Chronicles 1

Sun, 15 Dec 2013 00:59:00 +0000

He plans to propose to his girlfriend this but felt the need to make sure he was "negative" before proposing. He was haunted by his one night stand 4 years ago...

He was 6 months into the relationship when he found out his partner was keeping a secret from him. I asked him why he stayed. He replied that when he entered the relationship it was for life and looking back at the past 6 months, he realized that the sometimes ’odd’ behavior of his partner was because he was trying to protect him. He decided that it was worth the risk to stay in the relationship...

He is in a 3+ year relationship. But he was seduced during a recent party. Now guilt is wreaking havoc on his mind. The good result had no effect whatsoever... And he left just like he arrived - his burden just as heavy...

He is in a 4-month relationship. He noticed he was loosing weight, developed a lung infection and had frequent colds. And yet he didn't practice safe sex. All he wishes for this Christmas was if he really had "it", it would only be him...

He is in a 10+ yr relationship. 3 years ago he had an STI. His partner said it was because of diarrhea. They continued doing things without protection. Recently, his partner tested positive...




Blind Dates

Sat, 14 Sep 2013 14:48:00 +0000

I've had at least 15 so far this year. Technically they weren't blind dates since I had an idea of how they looked like thanks to social networking sites. But pictures don't really give the real 'picture'. It's actually easier to be cool, funny and even sweet and caring over SMS, and instant messengers than it is to be in person.

So how long should one wait before agreeing to meet someone he has "met" online?

I've always thought it a waste of time to get to know someone before agreeing to meet in person. It's not work it to invest days or weeks (!) of exchanging messages and info only to abruptly stop once having met in person. If I want to get to know someone, I'd like to do it the old fashioned way - talking in person.



Stability

Mon, 09 Sep 2013 14:23:00 +0000

I've never been the type of person who has been happy being single. I'm not timid either. In fact, I'm headstrong, assertive, impatient - the kind of person who would rather go at it alone then wait for others to arrive. But, being single has been the source of stress for me. I felt this strong urge to find someone to be an anchor, to quiet the chaos in my mind.

I hated weekends, vacation leaves, movies, eating out because there was this  pressure to find someone to spend them with. Sometimes, the pressure would be too much that I would end up doing stupid things and making stupid decisions that I mostly regretted.

Two things happened recently:
> I had a roomate (who was in a long-term relationship) yet whom I barely knew and didn't talk much with and yet it turned out to be one of the most peaceful nights I've had in a long while.
> I was confronted during a group session on what I feel when I'm alone - I couldn't answer because I didn't know what it was - fear, loneliness, need to belong, lost - it was none of these.

Then a friend suggested that maybe I was looking for stability. And that was it!

But then how could the mere presence of someone I barely knew give me stability?

Then my friend said,
What he has and what he has accomplished is what makes you feel secure and stable. Before you may have thought that feat was but a mere fantasy, like you're chasing your own fairy tale for it to materialize. After long bouts of being proven wrong, you go frantic doubting its existence 
Then here comes him, someone who has the thing you crave the most. You let down your walls because you know he has his down, and why wouldn't he.  It's something that words can't justify.



I Used To Write

Mon, 09 Sep 2013 00:13:00 +0000

I've been maintaining a blog since 2005 (even i'm surprised at how long ago that was). It was supposed to be a diary of sorts of my thoughts and feelings. That was when the Internet held some sort of anonymity where it was like a stranger - somehow I can open up easier to strangers.Things change. Well it's a cliche - "The only constant thing in life is change", but it's true. The internet has evolved and become an extension, and sometimes even takes the place of personal interaction. It has become something familiar and anonymity is almost non-existent.I've changed. The moody, sensitive, emotional, empathetic "me" has become an apparently impatient, no-nonsense, detached, self absorbed, unemotional "me".I used to write. But that skill has been neglected for several years and is rusting away. It seems who I am now can't take criticisms well even from my own self. But recent events have brought the past into focus again. It's a scary thought but I might actually really love the person whom I was before - the insecure guy with an almost non-existent self-image. I want him back.This was some part of "me" before:>>>>>>>Repost: Why I Am Who I AM - August 8, 2008Genetics vs Environment... that debate has gone on for ages. It's a bit of both between for me. I was born with a bit more potential to be different but it was the environment that made that potential into a reality. There were signs when I was a kid - I always had a "best" friend who was always a guy I really wasn't that close with. Most of my friends were girls. I was a bit nerdy, an introvert, and not into sports... There was no dominant female figure, or an abusive uncle or cousin... no traumatic experience such as a heartbreak.It was simply insecurity that pushed me to the other side. The unconscious admiration I had for other guys also made me look at myself and see that I wasn't as athletic, as good looking, as popular as these other guys.I'm speaking as someone looking back here when I say that the insecurity I felt when I was younger somehow led me to believe that i was "less of a guy" and the desire I had to be "like" the other guys was somehow warped to feel like I "liked" other guys.So years of that psychologic environment acted on the inborn potential... and here I am.... born out of insecurity. Unable to change what has been and unsure of what will be.<<<<<<< [...]



Another One Bites the Dust

Fri, 21 Jun 2013 22:53:00 +0000

The 1st mortality since I started my residency. She refused any form of diagnostics for her tongue lesion until it was too late.

It would be understandable if it was just the fear but from interviews, it had more to do with irrational beliefs - the cancer would spread faster if it was probed, it was already there so what good would a biopsy do... etc.

Frustrating part was when she eventually agreed to be treated, the disease had already weakened her that it was only a matter of time.

And time ran out today.




Do We Need A Superman Today?

Sun, 16 Jun 2013 06:53:00 +0000

my sister didn't like Man of Steel. it made me realize - Superman isn't relevant in this generation. He symbolized Hope, Truth, Justice, and Freedom during the Cold War. and because of that he isn't relevant anymore today (Unlike the Avengers, who don't stand for anything, will remain relevant always). Without the Cold War, Superman is just another superhero and a boring one at that because he doesn't have unique powers or doesn't look exotic (like the Hulk). 



Forced Leave

Sat, 02 Mar 2013 23:47:00 +0000


Friday ng umaga nagising ako na stressed. Nakaleave kasi ako for the weekend - ako nalang siguro ang taong galit sa leave. Pero days off pa nga lang hindi ko alam anung gagawin ko. Lagi kasi ako naghahanap ng kasama e lalo na pag ganitong nakaleave. Tapos nagkataon pa na out of town dad ko kaya libre ang sasakyan kaya mas malawak ang choices ng pwedeng puntahan.

Yun nga siguro ang problema, madami ako pwedeng puntahan pero Hindi ko talaga alam saan ko gusto pumunta. Pero sa totoo ang hanap ko talaga ay taong pupuntahan.



Be Careful What You Wish For

Sat, 10 Nov 2012 10:13:00 +0000

I've had annoying patients in the past but this one was definitely one of the best of the worst...

She was a teacher In her late 40s or early 50s she came in when the OPD was just about closing. We proceded to take her history and she suddenly snapped that would we just talk and talk, weren't we supposed to examine her instead of interview her?

The blood shot up to my face so fast it hurt. I kept my voice in check but my eyes may have said things differently. Her complaint centered on her throat but then everything was normal in appearance.

To comply with her request to "examine" her, endoscopy of her throat was suggested and so was a CAT scan. She balked at the cost of these examinations.

I would have wanted nothing more than to snap back at her, "ha! didn't you just refuse to give us more info and demand we just examine you? Since you have volunteered so little information, we have no choice but to request several procedures since you appear normal on PE and now you refuse because you realize you can't afford it!"

But I didn't.






Lunch

Sat, 29 Sep 2012 05:16:00 +0000



(image)

I hate group lunches. Even just eating with a small group of people is an ordeal for me. It isn't like social events over dinner where it's more tolerable and sometimes actually fun

I prefer Lunch to be taken with as few people as possible. I feel no desire to socialize during lunch time. Maybe it's the higher temperature or something to do with the sun still shining.

Lunch is for business and work-related stuff otherwise it shouldn't be forced on someone to eat this meal in a group.

Just got off a 24 hr duty and I'm in no mood for this "social" lunch!



Timed Out

Thu, 27 Sep 2012 12:50:00 +0000


It took 5 years before I finally pushed myself to start residency training. I hated the fact that I would have no time of my own once I started training.

Now, after almost 2 years into my training, I am being coaxed to plan when and where to spend the 15 days vacation leave given to us every year. Reality is I can't afford to go anywhere. What's worse is I don't really feel like going anywhere. Maybe things would be different if there was that "someone" I could spend time with.

I was always afraid that residency would rob me of time for myself. I never expected that I would have some time off and yet have no desire to use it.



Bottomed Again

Sat, 25 Aug 2012 10:52:00 +0000


It was a good 4 months of having a taste of being higher up in the food chain. It was too good to last. The newest member of our department is going to quit (for personal reasons).

It isn't even final, but the ’requests’ are already starting. "do this." "do that."; and what I hate the most - the changes in our schedule. Instead of scheduling their lives around our work, it’s my sched that will get thrown around again.

That’s the way it is in the hospital hierarchy they said. And for a time when I was not at the bottom, I was told to exert my ’seniority’ by ’delegating’ tasks. That’s not my style. I don’t ask others to do what is mine to do. If that is the way one exercises his or her seniority then I’ll never become a senior.

What's worse is that the next applicant to be accepted might be another female... WTF!!!



Habagat

Wed, 08 Aug 2012 03:54:00 +0000

It looks like we've weathered the storm, again. Ondoy was worse, did more damage, claimed more lives but somehow this 2nd incident of region-wide flooding had a stronger impact on many.

During Ondoy, I was thankful I had a safe and dry place untouched by flooding. This tine I was thankful but there was this small core of guilt that I was so comfortable while many others were in peril.

What was unthinkable was that more than once during this disaster, I actually wanted to be on duty at the hospital. There was this feeling of wanting to be some place where I could be doing something instead of just staying at home.

It wasn't just me. Friends whom I always thought of as apathetic and cynical expressed wanting to do something to help and actually doing something.

Why this sudden sense of social responsibility, empathy... Whatever you may call it? It wasn't the media nor the internet. We had both during Ondoy and the pictures and videos then were worse.

Maybe it was because Ondoy happened too fast that what we all felt was shock and disbelief vs this time when we all saw the meter by meter rise of flood waters and the consequences each meter caused.

Or maybe, just maybe... We're more human now.





More Than Words

Sun, 29 Jul 2012 14:28:00 +0000



I blogged about this person from my past at least 2 times before (here and here).

He was the one I let go.

This year, 5 years since we last met, our paths crossed again thanks to social networking sites. I couldn't help but feel excited about meeting again and catching up on the years we spent apart. And I couldn't help but feel this tiny spark of hope that maybe we could give "us" a try again.

The years had been kind to him physically. He still looked as good, even better than he did before. We've both grown and at the same time so much has stayed the same. He asked me why I left. That took me by surprised. I couldn't explain something that wasn't tangible. I felt like I was trying to describe "sound" to someone who couldn't hear.

After a few hours together, it was obvious that the things that drew me to him were still there - That he appreciated the smallest of things was the one that always caught me off guard. Unfortunately, the things that made me leave were also still there. And what we had years ago was really as good as it would get.

"…Now that I've tried to talk to you
and make you understand
All you have to do is close your eyes
And just reach out your hands
and touch me
Hold me close
don't ever let me go
More than words is all I ever needed you to show
Then you wouldn't have to say
that you love me
'Cause I'd already know..."



I Wish You Had a Heart / Mind

Sun, 17 Jun 2012 03:33:00 +0000

"What do you wish people had for the members of the LGBT community - A heart that truly cares or a mind that truly understands?"

This was the final question in a recently concluded pageant. While many people would argue about the power of love and that love conquers all, I personally think that it's not the lack of love that is that problem but rather the lack of understanding.

In fact, the people whom we are afraid will hurt us are often the ones closest to us - friends and family. These people love us. Ironically they hurt us out of love - because they think they're doing what is best for us. We are often also afraid to tell them the truth because we don't know if they will understand.

Real acceptance will only come with real undestanding. And acceptance in this case doesn't always require the presence of love.






The Bestfriend

Thu, 17 May 2012 11:53:00 +0000

We first met about 14 years ago. I was meeting up with someone I chatted with online. It turned out that he was also meeting up with someone... Make that many someones and what I thought would be a one-on-one occasion turned out to be a group night out with people I met for the first time and he was one of them. He was hard to miss - tall and most annoyingly sociable :) I mean he kept on moving from one person (except me) to another making small talk, making jokes. It seemed as of he was running for public office. Or maybe I was just envious since I was quite the wallflower and I had a crush on him. That group was out of my league so I didn’t really expect to remain in touch with any I met that night.A few weeks later, while in the chatroom, by coincidence we both happened to be online. He said it was too bad I left relatively early since we wanted to get to know me better. Apparently he has this thing for pitiful guys haha. BUT (the first of many) he was already going steady with someone else.We seemed to have a few friends in common and we actually met several times a month. For a reason I cannot remember, I eventually told him how I felt and he didn’t feel the same way. I didn’t take it well and ended up spending 2 nights at a friend’s house with other friends who had issues of their own. Misery really loves company :)We continued going out with friends and maybe it was the familiarity that made us good friends. One of the rare people I’m not afraid to speak my mind to. And one of the rarer people I feel "safe" with. Eventually we both finished our college, had relationships, work, other groups of friends, that we got together less and less and eventually all communication just stopped.After more or less 5 years of no communication, our paths crossed again. I don't even recall how we got back in touch. It was as if we never lost touch. I honestly feel, it felt like a stronger friendship. His relationship of several years was on the rocks and I just recently got out of one.We went out frequently - coffee shops, comedy bars. Come to think of it, I never bothered to ask, "why?". We just enjoyed each other's company and caught up on the years apart. 3 years ago was my graduation - it was a 2nd graduation so it wasn't such a big deal anymore and I didn't even want anyone to come along. I didn't even want to attend. He volunteered to go. So he slept over the night before the graduation.Nothing happened that night.I'm not emphasizing that because something should have happened. Rather, I didn't even consider that anything could happen. There were already 2 episodes in the past where I told him how I felt and that didn't end well for me. And he was my bestfriend and I think somewhere along I accepted that that was all we could be. So, nothing happened.When we woke up though… how it happened is a mystery to me but we ended up… I ended up beneath him. And for that short instant everything stood still. Literally, I felt time stop. In a span of a few seconds several thoughts ran through my mind…all of them beginning with "What if…"Then the doorbell rang and time started moving again.I got up, checked who was at the door, and prepared for my graduation. We never talked about that incident since it happened 3 years ago until a few days ago.We lost touch again for a few years but this time it was because of something I did. A few days ago, I was on facebook and out of nowhere I just decided to ask him about that incident during my graduation. I had always wanted to know why he h[...]



the OC

Tue, 01 May 2012 01:36:00 +0000

 I have this obssessive-compulsive tendency. It usually is under control but when I'm stressed out, the control goes away. I was just thinking about these past few months and I realized that the 2 best decisions I've made in the past 5 months had nothing to do with proper planning and careful assessment.

The 1st was entering that group dance class at the gym. It just happened that all the attendees that day were female and I really didn't have any talent in dancing. I was just staring at the class for a few minutes and just decided to go in and join. Never regretted doing that since.

The 2nd happened was on Chinese New Year's day. I was pissed off because of the schedule changes in my duty and I had to stay a few hours longer at work. I ended up with an iPhone 4S that evening which was and is totally worth the cost.

It seems that the major decisions I make are either when my stress levels are peaking or when I'm stupidly infatuated with someone (and finding that someone is stressing me out). Today is a holiday. I shouldn't be on duty. But I am. And I'm angry. I'm trying to find a way to calm down but so far nothing comes to mind. This is one of those times when I'm bound to do something stupid.



Tell Me, All Is Well

Sat, 31 Mar 2012 08:17:00 +0000

It wasn't a week to be proud of. Mistakes were made and tempers (mine most of he time) were flying. We tried our best to be professional with the other even if our personal opinion of the other was far from friendly.

Even the slowest to loose her temper, lost it when she crossed paths with the staff of another section who (maybe) was having her own bad day. She was trembling from trying to control her anger. And then she said that in times like these, she wanted to go home to her kid and husband whom she was sure would calm her nerves.

Three days earlier, I was in her situation. The anger kept me restless and sleepless for 2 nights. It was futile trying to calm down, to try to control my frustration. Even trying to forgive didn't work.

I was looking for some way to rechannel the anger and convert it to something else. I tried of thinking of something stupidly expensive to buy (the last time this happened… well, I have an iPhone now) and ended up ordering a lens for my DSLR but thankfully the weather made me cancel the exchange. Watching a movie didn't work. Sex… well, I don't think that would work either (was worried it would just add to the frustration).

SMS, IMs, PMs, tweets…

In the end you realize that all you need is someone to hold you tight and say, "everything's going to be all right."




Ties that Bind

Thu, 22 Mar 2012 04:30:00 +0000

My "generation" of cousins were just kids during our 1st reunion. It was like christmas - we were still easily awed by simple things. The internet was unknown. There were no cellphones yet. Telegrams and snail mail were still used. Travel was stressful but was an adventure in our eyes. Playing in the corn fields, chasing fireflies and swimming with water buffalos - That was our age of innocence.


(image)

In our 3rd reunion, a younger generation of cousins were present. They grew up overseas under the influence of the internet. My generation was still finding our way through our chosen careers.

This April we will be having another reunion. Our grandmother - the matriarch of our family - has turned 80 and is the major reason for the reunion. It is a big possibility that this will be her last. We are now all grown up and many cousins have married and some have kids of their own. We used to be less than a thousand miles apart but now it’s time zones that separate us. And yet, the world is smaller because of Facebook.

Because of our different schedules and the logistics involved we will only be complete on the evening of April 5th. The next day, some will have to go on their way. But that short time will be enough to strengthen the ties that bind us as a family.

I wonder if we’ll ever have another reunion when our grandma isn’t present anymore. She is the core in which all our family ties intersect. It’s fortunate that somehow I will be present.



What's In A Kiss

Sat, 03 Mar 2012 08:53:00 +0000



(image)

There was a time when I didn't give a 2nd thought about kissing someone who didn't mind being kissed by me.

Recently I found myself beside someone, close enough for breathing to be heard and yet I hesitated. The possible consequences of going through with it ran through my mind: strained friendships, betrayal of trust, loss of respect, possible heartache...

Kissing never was this complicated before. And never before did I consider the pandora's box that might be opened just because of a simple kiss.

I didn't open it that night.

I opened it the following night.