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Preview: my life

my life

Updated: 2018-03-03T01:11:50.405+08:00


random update


Philippines welcomed me with rain.And more rain.And more rain.I wish I had taken photos of the rain, just for effect. But it was so dampening on my mood that I just sat in Eush's very green house, watched Heroes and A Fish Called Wanda, played with her adorable dogs, and slept A LOT.Thankfully, Manila decided to reward me with somewhat good weather. At least it wasn't raining. And I got to see Steph!!!!! :DWe went on a tour by Carlos Celdran, a celebrity (by Stephanie's standards). For more information go to It was an extremely good tour. Carlos managed to keep ADD me entertained for the hour he took us through the history of Manila, from the Spanish occupation up to present day. I even got to try ChocNut!Steph also took me on a wild tour of Manila's shopping malls. I now know Bench, SM, Greenhills, the Surplus Store.. but Greenhills is my personal favorite :)Chinatown was also on the menu. On the way there, we passed by this slum area with the amazing sight of children and dogs playing on roofs.I don't think the Philippine government would like this on their tourism website.Random cat in Chinatown.Also.. lots of food. Steph stuffed and stuffed me with food. I had the super value meal set at Jollibee, halo-halo at Chow King, but did not have balut. Sigh. How could I have missed it! To be fair, Eush's dad got it when he was at the bus stop, but after an entire day of coconut-flavored food, I really couldn't stomach another local delicacy.Jolliebee is more popular than McD in Philippines.The Filipinos love their pork!All too soon, my trip ended.. and I headed back to Malaysia. Whew. Whereupon the sun is shining in Philippines again....*A distinct lack of photos in this entry. Wasn't in the mood to take photos when I was in the Philippines. Regret it now though :([...]

Missing Dog Report



He has been missing for 3 days. If you have any information regarding his whereabouts, kindly leave a comment!

NAME : Lucky aka Lucky Houdini
CHARACTERISTIC : Cowardly, shies away from all contact, runs real fast, has broken chain round neck
REWARD OFFERED: This lovable dog will be given to you if you find him!!!

Bumming = bliss?


View of Gunung KinabaluHave been neglecting this of late. Things have been happening at such a fast rate that I can hardly record it all down fast enough (very convenient excuse for a lazy bum like me).Am currently in Sabah. Kota Kinabalu has changed a lot since 3 years ago when I visited. It's still pretty laid back, but there are more buildings coming up. And... malls -_-. Yes I do not know what is it about Asians and malls, so shush! :PGot to KK on Sunday, and went to eat this wonderful fish noodles. HUGE serving. Was absolutely stuffed when I finished, but then my brother of course had to go buy some super famous and crispy pisang goreng. Hmmmm.. I think that just set the trend for my stay so far. Fish noodlesWent to Kudat to the tip of Borneo. Slept most of the way, got there in time for the last rays of the sunset. Tip of BorneoThis is what I don't get in Ohio.Seafood dinner followed, where brother commented on my increased appetite. What, so I've decided to stop obsessing about my weight -_-. Or so I say until I step on the scale again.Kudat's a small, quiet town. Nothing much really. Good training ground for me to practice driving a manual (stick We took a relaxing drive back home, went to the Rungus longhouse, honey-collecting village, and the gong-making village. Quite a different thing for this little city-girl eh o_0.I want that little wagon!Rungus Longhouse. Stay there for RM 50/night!Gongs. Perfect for announcing the arrival of guests or the serving of dinner.On the way home, we stoppped by different food stalls. Pity I didn't take more photos of it (didn't want to act more touristy than I already was). Had jagung bakar (yes even though I loathe eating it in Ohio usually), kelapa bakar, puding kelapa, honey straight from the comb. Haha. Apparently it's all bakar 'cos roadside stalls have no running water. Haha.Sinfully sweet honey, straight from the combs.Coconut pudding! and in a genuine coconut too :PKelapa bakar. It basically tastes like warm coconut juice. An acquired taste indeed. Scuba diving tomorrow! Yay.[...]



Okay I swear this is the last post about my bionic arm - which is bionic no more :(

Just cannot resist posting pictures of the hardware.. I mean... it was in my body o_O. How crazy is that?!

Two plates, 11 screws.

Infamous 'six-sided star' screw heads.

Even surgeons need directions :P

Okaaaay. Done!



I feel morally obliged to publish these photos.

May they stop ruling my life! Mom's gonna make me bathe in 'flowered' water to stop the current of 'sui'-ness that seems intent on following me around. -_-

home = food :D


Three weeks has passed. Two weeks since my botched surgery, and the screwdriver is STILL NOT HERE. I am getting thoroughly sick of how this piece of hardware is ruling my life. Am going to give a USPS a call today.Why didn't they send my screwdriver via UPS?! :(Three weeks of gastronomical adventures. I have been snapping photos of everything I eat, and places I go, much to the amusement of my friends and family.Things I lust for in college...Char Siew Pau Teh Tarik!Sesame balls for Caitlin, Saki and EushBeef Murtabak, Tandoori ChickenFried noodles, Lor Bak, Or Kuih, Bai Tang Gao, Lemon Tart, Yam Duck, Spring Rolls - Typical Chinese family celebration spreadIt seems as though I have a much greater appreciation for all things Malaysian now that I've been away for awhile. Obviously, there is no comparison to the food-Malaysian food will always hold the #1 spot in my heart.But even my greedy soul agrees that it's so much more than that. A friend of mine claims that Asian countries 'smell' different than Western countries. While I don't have quite as sensitive a sense of smell yet, I suppose there is some truth to that. It's just..different. The sights, the smells, the people, the sounds.Gurney Drive - sadly they're reclaiming it to make more land Uncle reading newspapers at dim sum placeAhh.. the biscuits! (yes we call them biscuits not cookies)This time home I've been rather confined to the house. Partly because all my friends are working, partly because I'm just lazy to step out of the house, partly because I haven't sat around and done nothing for awhile, so I'm stocking up on that experience before charging on for the next few years.Must... be.... productive. I swear I will.. just gimme a few more days :P[...]

summer bliss


It just struck me that I've been back for a week by now. Time flies when you're doing absolutely nothing. And it's even better when you have a legitimate reason NOT to do anything! Whee.

Looks like I'm going to not be able to use my left arm normally for the entire month of June. Which sucks, because I had such big plans to enjoy the sunshine and humidity here in Malaysia. Right now, I haven't really ventured outdoors since my botched surgery. Initially it was due to the fact that I couldn't really bear the pain. Whatever possesed me to think that it wouldn't hurt?! =_=

Now, I'd rather not go outside because my dogs will jump at me. And right now, I definitely do not relish the thought of my left arm being mauled by this fat golden retriever and skinny Alsatian. Both are hyperactive, and get extraordinarily excited by me just poking my head out of the house.
I really should buck up and start being a little more productive than sitting on my ass in front of my computer, or watching movies, or reading trashy detective novels. Seriously.. the plot of every bestseller detective novel always falls along the same lines: hot-shot cynical detective who's down on his luck meets case of his life. Along the way meets another Mr Super-detective/Ms. Super-detective. Sparks fly. Both are antagonistic at first sight, but with strong feelings of attraction to each other. As case progresses, both are drawn together inevitably. Finally case is resolved, with some bloodshed, and detectives proclaim love for each other. The End. Or something along those lines.. the boy/girl theme is always there. Why am I still reading them?!

I briefly considered looking up MCAT stuff online, but just as quickly dismissed the idea. Am not quite THAT ready to face up to reality yet. Surely I deserve a few weeks of rest?

Was also re-reading my previous blog posts since it's conception. Have realized how bloody emo I sounded. Heh. At least I can look back at those times ruefully now.. it's always nice looking at things in retrospect and realizing that they weren't really as bad as your foolish then-self thought. Yet there's nothing in the world that would make me relive those horrible times (okay I'm sounding ridiculously melodramatic here).

Zhijun commented yesterday that she never would have thought I would start blogging. Well neither did I.. I think I'm famous for being super private =_= Still, I guess it's kind of a relief to just write and type and bang away at the keyboard. I think at some basic level I'm just another one of those narcissitic, attention-seeking emo people who wants people to NOTICE them. How sad to realize my shallowness!

screwdrivers, anybody?


Damn.... the wildest things happen to me!I am rather hesitating to write this here now, but I'm going to go ahead on the off-chance that maybe someone can actually help me. Sigh. Not that I'm expecting anybody really to be able to help, but stranger things have happened.I went for surgery yesterday to remove the plate in my arm that was put in two years ago from the accident. Everybody assured me it was a simple procedure, and it IS a simple procedure. Just cut, remove it, close. Easy-peasy!I got to the hospital at 7 am. After waiting for a loong loong time, I finally was wheeled into the OR. It was strange being the patient (not that I'd ever been the doctor). But during my internship I would follow Dr. Bohl around, and observe pretty nonchalantly the patients in the prep room being wheeled into OR. It's been awhile since I've been the patient (not to sound like a regular to the operating theater!), and the last time I was there I was so doped up I don't remember a thing. This time, I had plenty of time to muse about how nervous I was feeling, how weird it was to lay on the bed, feeling pretty much helpless and small. NOT a very nice feeling for control freaks like me.Anyway, in the OR the anaesthesiologist put an IV in me.. very skillfully I must say. It hardly hurt at all! There was also this funny thing he put on my forehead - apparently it's to monitor the brain waves. He injected the anaesthesia, and I felt a strange liquidy thing pulsing through my veins (or maybe that was just my imagination). Things started to get woozy real fast, and the next thing I knew I was awake, my head pounding like it was going to explode. I felt like I could hardly breathe, and was gasping and gasping. Not a very pleasant experience at all, to say the least. Somehow I managed to gasp out the fact that I felt like I was going to die (heh), and the doctor came over and gave me something (morphine I think). The nurse also gave me an oxygen mask and told me to breathe in and out slowly and deeply.. which I did. It helped somewhat, but it seemed like eternity before I finally calmed down and could relax again.The pain. Ugh. Well.. let's just say I've forgotten how painful these things can be. It didn't help that I had this weird misconception that it wouldn't hurt so much just because it was a simple procedure! Of course I woke up with that throbbing pain in my arm, so much that I thought I would start screaming. I suppose the painkillers hadn't kicked in when I woke up. Still, it was pretty unbearable for the first part of it, and it only got better after I fell asleep.Despite feeling really dizzy, I couldn't really fall asleep at all. They wheeled me back into the ward, and I lay there for awhile drifting in and out of consciousness. My parents came in soon, and then I had this sudden urge to call Caitlin. Don't ask me why... maybe it was the bonding experience we had through the accident. Heh.******OMG OMG OMG OMG. THE DOCTOR JUST E-MAILED ME.******Anyway back to the story before I explain what that above sentence meant. I was very insistent about calling Caitlin, and I couldn't understand why my parents were so reluctant for me to do so. My mom then took my hand and told me gently that they didn't manage to remove the plate. I'm not proud to say I started bawling my eyes out at the end of that sentence. She went on to explain that they couldn't do it because the screws that were used in my plate was different, and they didn't have the proper screwdrivers for it. Man.. I really started to sob the place down then. I was sharing the room with 3 other people, and thankfully my mom drew the curtains around me so I had some privacy.I don't remember how long I cried. But halfway through I started laughing.. at the irony of it all. I dunno.. I'm thinking the morphine must have done funny things to the neurotransmitters in my brain, thus the yo-yo m[...]

it all comes to an end eventually..


I suppose I never thought this day would come, but here I am - sitting in front of my old home computer, the fan on full blast behind me. The house is comfortably silent, with it's familiar creaks making up the background noise at 3.30 am. Yes, jet lag does funny things to you.

I'm home.

It's weird to be home. Not in a bad kind of way though. I walked out of the airport in Penang and was immediately sticky all over. Ugh. Yesterday I went out for a walk with my friends at the local Youth Park, and without even trying I was perspiring like mad. Hooray for tropical humidity! Sweating just makes the bath at the end of it so much more worthwhile. Heh.

This semester ended on a much better note than it started out to be. Waaay better. It wasn't exactly that I got more productive, or that I necessarily did more things.. but somehow my mood lightened, things stopped bothering me so much, time-wasting was not such a torture anymore. This semester has been an enlightenment to me in my ability at : cramming for exams, staying up late, sleeping as procrastination, eating as procrastination, 'blobbing' around campus in desperation for some human contact (and more procrastination). Oh, and let's not forget the triathlon that took Caitlin and and I all of -two- day to train for. Haha.

It also helps that grades are out and I didn't do as badly as I thought I would. Or rather.. given my effort this semester, it's amazing enough that it turned out the way it did. I suppose at the end of it I did realize I wouldn't be failing any classes (insert a *slap slap* moment), but it's also not very nice to think about the way I approached my classes. Ok 'nuff said before I start sounding even more like a pretentious little prick.

Man.. I had all these plans of things I wanted to do when I got back home. Unfortunately, inertia and lethargy is setting in...AAAAAH. Must.. Be...Productive! I promise I'll be more productive after Monday.. I promise I promise.

For now.. I'm going to stop here. I hope I've entertained Szerlik enough with this post. Not that it is a very cheerful post anyway. Ugh.



ever felt paralyzed by fear?

i am right now =.=


disappointments, expectations, life


Looking at my upcoming schedule for the next few weeks, I feel about ready to bury my head under my covers and never get up again. Exams in all my classes, papers in two of them, and then finals after that! Whee =_=

I came to the realization today part of the reason I'm so disappointed with myself this semester while I was talking with my neuroanatomy professor. Somehow or other, I got myself into this vicious loop of not keeping up with the work in classes, and even though I somehow or other manage to scrape through the exams alright whenever they come up, I don't feel as though I am learning as much as I should be, and want to.

Four more weeks left in the semester, and a ton of work to be done before it's all done. At this point, I feel like I have failed myself utterly in every way possible. I'm thankful that my professors and friends here are so understanding, and have cut me so much slack, but at the same time, I wish that they didn't have to...



It just occured to me that every single time I go to a performance, be it music, theater, dance or whatever in Oberlin, I get very contemplative.

Just watching people on stage performing makes me think about the days that I would do 'stuff' like that. I also just came to the realization that since primary school, I have performed in some way or another at every institution I've attended, except Oberlin. (Well...I guess I DID sing with College Singers last year...)

When did I change, I wonder? I used to feel strongly about a lot of things.. yeah -_- People who know me nowadays wouldn't really use the word 'passionate' to describe me for sure. In fact, it was Leekie who first coined the word 'semangatless' to describe me.. was it then when that started?

I thought I'd found the old me again last semester, when I came back to Oberlin in the fall. I was busy, but felt such strong satisfaction in everything I did. Then.. somewhere in midst of all that, it just started getting downhill, work didn't seem so fun anymore, and everything just lost its flavor. Even Christmas ... was tiring.

There's 5 more weeks left in this semester. I look back at these two months and wonder, where did it all go? It just seems like one whole stretch of grey mush in my mind. Looking at my calendar ahead of me, there's nothing really exciting. I quit tumbling, and won't be in the circus this year after all. It just wasn't fun anymore... for some reason or another. [read: anhedonia]

one dysfunctional sem


Alright. This is it. I'm giving myself one semester, this one semester to go haywire.

I mean, in the grand scheme of things, surely this 5 months won't matter right?

So there it is.. I'll be a better person after this sem. I promise.



Yesterday, a friend of mine left school.

He wasn't a very close friend, although nowadays I don't really know how to define that word anymore. I first met him second semester freshmen year. We were never really formally introduced, but he was at Wilder a lot, and since I worked at the front desk, we somehow became friends in that funny way that things happen sometimes.

This year, I was in Third World Co-op with him. At the beginning of fall semester, when we were still having game night regularly, he would come by sometimes too. He was one of those people that I wanted to get to know better, hang out with more, but never got around to it because school, work, life and so many other things seemed to be more pressing at hand.

Spring semester, I cooked Friday lunches with him. The way he cooked amused me - he was always very precise, very careful in his preparation of food, whereas I lived up to my mom's philosophy of cooking - 'agak-agak', 'cincai' and 'luan luan lai' :P

A little digression: Americans love to ask you how you're doing. It's always at the beginning of every conversation - what's up, how you doing, how are you. Yet it's not always a real question - it's sometimes so much easier to say 'good', 'ok' and leave it at that. Anyway, back to the topic: one Friday we were cooking lunch, and of course we had the usual 'how are you doing' conversation. For the millionth time that semester, I said 'not so great', because that was my very honest answer.

Somehow that led to a conversation about how crappy I was feeling this semester, how unmotivated I have been, my lack of focus in everything, my inability to concentrate, the feelings of hopelessness, my increasing anti-social attitude towards the world. He also shared how he was doing, which was amazingly similar to what I was going through. And I also learnt some things about him that I never learnt about before.

And then just this Friday night, he told me he was leaving.

I didn't know exactly how I felt. I was sad to see him leave, but sad wasn't the right word for what I felt when I found out. It was more like.. a sort of resigned feeling. A feeling of lost opportunities. Even a slight feeling of panic.. will I end up like him?

I went to his room and talked for nearly 2 hours on Friday night. It was the first time we really talked. It was also the first time I'd talked to somebody and realized that I could very well be the person I'm talking to, the first time I really truly could say I knew, on some level, what he was going through.

He also showed me some of his photos from college etc. I was struck by how different he looked each year, and how different other people that I knew looked too. Isn't it strange how people change?

And so.. he's gone now.


Sometimes I wonder why this is happening to me, why am I withdrawing from everything, why am I seeking solace in eating uncontrollably, which then makes me fat, which then only makes me more miserable?

Why is it that I seem to have lost who I was?

China! Hong Kong! Summer!



I'd just came back from a meeting with Natalie Leek in the admissions office today when I saw the little gmail popup on the bottom right part of my screen. It said something about "CSP8 Results Goh Jo Ling....." and my heart skipped a beat.

I clicked on it.... and immediately whooped with joy. I got in! Which means.. I'll be part of a delegation of 250 other students of Chinese descent from around the globe to visit various parts of China, Hong Kong etc this summer!

Words fail me. Ah. Now I have something to look forward to this summer!

summer worries, summer woes


Summer... Sun. Blue skies. No classes. Birds chirping. Light till 9 pm. Relaxing. Peaceful. Quiet.

Riiiiight. Except that every single person has summer PLANS. Internships. Jobs. Grants won. Fellowships to fulfill. Travelling to do.

Is it so bad that I just cannot muster up the energy to seek out an internship/job now? What's wrong with just doing nothing during the summer?

Graduate schools, potential employers and all the powers-that-dictate-your-future-success are forever saying "Do something you like, seek out something you're passionate about, don't follow the average person" when advising you about what you can do to beef up that resume of yours.

WHAT IF I'm just so sick of doing 'productive' things that I just want to curl up in my bed for 3 months and not do anything? What if I just want to be able to wake up in the morning and not be confronted with a million and one deadlines and things to do? What if I just want to be the lazy-ass unmotivated tired boring person I am?




It's certain now - I'll be studying away in England this coming fall. Hurrah!!!!!

It was so agonizing waiting for the reply from my study away program. When I first applied, I didn't really think twice about not being able to get in - after all, visiting students are temporary, so I'd always harbored the impression that it wouldn't be difficult to get into any study abroad program as long as you had the $$$ to pay for it.

Yet, when my friend got news of her study abroad 2 weeks ago, I had my first pang of doubt. This escalated to full-blown anxiety by the end of last week, so I finally gave in and called the program coordinator. Unfortunately, all she could tell me was to wait even more. ARGH!!! Patience is definitely not my virtue.

Finally, I got an e-mail yesterday asking me to call her (the program coordinator). After playing phone tag the entire afternoon, I finally got her on the line. By then I was thoroughly convinced that I didn't get it, and the purpose of the call was to discuss my alternatives. All I remember is hearing bits of words :"...glad to tell you... offer..."

I was so happy I ran up the stairs and hugged Morgan (the desker working at the Info Desk before my shift) and danced around for a while. :):)

'chick' siu bao....


My virgin blog! *gasp* I've finally succumbed and decided to set up a blog full of mindless entries about my life.

Positive blog of the day is.. my 'chick' siu bao! Since I didn't have pork, I made 'char siew' with chicken instead. It took me 3 and a half hours to actually prepare all the ingredients for the pao, thus giving me a new appreciation for the 70 cent paos I can get by the roadsides in Malaysia -_-.

Negative blog of the day is.. this has resulted in me eating even more :( Definitely not good, especially when I'm a staggering XX kg now (ask me privately heh) and I really should start exercising more! Still.. who can resist freshly steamed paos, especially when they're made from scratch?

I feel like I've reached a turning point in my life. All the crap that has happened to me last 3 weeks.. I'm determined to set it right. No more self-pity! Have indulged in that a little too much already...

People reading this- I hope you guys leave comments and stuff, cos I 've realized I've lost touch with so many of you, and I really don't want to do that.. so.. I would LOVE to hear from you.

PS: I know the pao looks a little disgusting.. but hey when you're desperate.. anything works :P