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The Escapist Forums : Latest Posts : Advice Forum



A forum dedicated to handing out advice on any topic, from real life to in-game situations.



 



Help I Need Some Relationship Advice!

Sun, 18 Feb 2018 18:18:59 GMT

dscross:

nerdyinvestor:
Reading about psychology, attraction did help in my case. I am more happier and have more confidence. What about you? How did you deal?

I think it can be useful if you approach it in a certain way but you've no guarantee of doing that if you are experiencing loss. If you use it for personal growth and confidence, that's completely different than using it to manipulate someone to think/feel the way you want them to. You are more likely to, subconsciously, go the second route if you desperately want someone back in your life.

I wouldn't have mentioned it if I didn't have a modicum of experience with it. I did read a lot about that stuff initially and dated around quite a bit as a result to get myself back into the dating game at the time. And while it did have some positive benefits, it also covered up the real problem that I wasn't happy in myself.

Eventually, I approached this problem directly by learning to be more present to the moment as well as using techniques like meditation and other methods to help quiet my mind. This is what really made the breakthroughs in my mental state and made me feel more at peace in general. I learnt, on an emotional rather than a logical level, that when you aren't chasing stuff all the time to plug an imaginary mental hole that's been put there by social conditioning, you feel much more content with life. Not that I manage to feel that way 100% of the time.

It's goof that you got your life back. Yes meditation does help a lot. I have tried and am in absoluelty in love with it. Have your tried Zen?




Help I Need Some Relationship Advice!

Sat, 17 Feb 2018 14:19:35 GMT

nerdyinvestor:
Reading about psychology, attraction did help in my case. I am more happier and have more confidence. What about you? How did you deal?

I think it can be useful if you approach it in a certain way but you've no guarantee of doing that if you are experiencing loss. If you use it for personal growth and confidence, that's completely different than using it to manipulate someone to think/feel the way you want them to. You are more likely to, subconsciously, go the second route if you desperately want someone back in your life.

I wouldn't have mentioned it if I didn't have a modicum of experience with it. I did read a lot about that stuff initially and dated around quite a bit as a result to get myself back into the dating game at the time. And while it did have some positive benefits, it also covered up the real problem that I wasn't happy in myself.

Eventually, I approached this problem directly by learning to be more present to the moment as well as using techniques like meditation and other methods to help quiet my mind. This is what really made the breakthroughs in my mental state and made me feel more at peace in general. I learnt, on an emotional rather than a logical level, that when you aren't chasing stuff all the time to plug an imaginary mental hole that's been put there by social conditioning, you feel much more content with life. Not that I manage to feel that way 100% of the time.




Help I Need Some Relationship Advice!

Fri, 16 Feb 2018 23:53:24 GMT

dscross: peacefulescape:I know this is supposed to be an escapist forum, but the last thing I should be doing right now is to escape from my issue at hand. I don't know if I've lost her yet, but I can't sit by and do nothing while she walks out of my life for good. Just as the title mentioned, I need some relationship advice, and I was hoping you guys could give me some input because I'm feeling really confused right now. Here's the situation. We've been together for the last 2 years. I wouldn't call us a perfect couple but things have been relatively smooth sailing with no major issues this whole time. She hasn't brought anything up either so I would assume things were good with her as well? I mean I used to be able to say that with confidence but the fact that she left me says otherwise. We had minor disagreements from time to time, but nothing I would say worthy of breaking up over. Just last Friday, she calls me after work suggesting we meet for dinner. She still sounded completely normal so I didn't suspect anything while driving over. At the restaurant, over dinner, she suddenly brings up the topic of breaking up and the reason she gave was what bothered me because it's way too ambiguous. All she said was that we should break up and that she couldn't carry on with this relationship anymore because she wasn't happy. When I asked her what she wasn't happy about, she just tried to avoid the topic by going around in circles claiming how different we are. Then she just takes off, without even giving me a chance to try and change her mind. She hasn't returned my messages or calls this past weekend, and I don't know what to do now because I don't even know what went wrong. I'm not sure if she has another guy, or if she genuinely wasn't happy, and the ambiguity is driving me crazy. What do you think I should do about this? I really want her back but I won't be able to achieve it if I don't even know what went wrong. Any help is much appreciated guys! Hey dude - hope you are ok. I'm really sorry. It's absolutely shitty when someone breaks up with you. It sounds like she's put thought into it and made the decision so the best thing you can do right now is get on with things and try to forget her for the time being. You can't fix this in the same way you think you can. IF she ever wants you back, it'll be when you have genuinely moved on and she can sense that. You can't fake it. What you are feeling right now is loss. It's a similar (if toned down) feeling to when someone you know dies, as dramatic as that sounds (you know that person won't be a part of your life anymore). Have you heard of the stages of loss (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance)? At the time of your original post, it sounds like you are either at stage 1 (denial) or stage 3 (bargaining). It sounds really patronising because I know how this can feel - It's horrible - but it will pass and just knowing about the phases will help. Try to get through the phases before you think about properly seeing other people again because otherwise you'll be using women and probably not dealing with the loss (moving through the stages). But things like socialising, hobbies and remembering that you have a life outside her is the best way to start. Also, try to remember all the things in your life to be grateful for, whatever they might be. I'm sorry this happened to you, but you can't change people's minds and you can't get in her head (and it will just drive you mad if you start reading about psychology, attraction, etc). The only way she will feel like she's made a mistake is if you seem happy without her. Trust me on that - it happened to me when I was younger. For example, with a certain ex, it turned out that she'd slept with someone else and basically stopped feeling attracted to me (I found this out months later). I think she wanted to feel a spark again. After a while, she noticed I was happy in myself without her and then suddenly she wanted me back. But by that point, I really didn't want her ba[...]



Help I Need Some Relationship Advice!

Fri, 16 Feb 2018 23:51:06 GMT

peacefulescape:
I know this is supposed to be an escapist forum, but the last thing I should be doing right now is to escape from my issue at hand. I don't know if I've lost her yet, but I can't sit by and do nothing while she walks out of my life for good. Just as the title mentioned, I need some relationship advice, and I was hoping you guys could give me some input because I'm feeling really confused right now.

Here's the situation. We've been together for the last 2 years. I wouldn't call us a perfect couple but things have been relatively smooth sailing with no major issues this whole time. She hasn't brought anything up either so I would assume things were good with her as well? I mean I used to be able to say that with confidence but the fact that she left me says otherwise. We had minor disagreements from time to time, but nothing I would say worthy of breaking up over.

Just last Friday, she calls me after work suggesting we meet for dinner. She still sounded completely normal so I didn't suspect anything while driving over. At the restaurant, over dinner, she suddenly brings up the topic of breaking up and the reason she gave was what bothered me because it's way too ambiguous. All she said was that we should break up and that she couldn't carry on with this relationship anymore because she wasn't happy. When I asked her what she wasn't happy about, she just tried to avoid the topic by going around in circles claiming how different we are. Then she just takes off, without even giving me a chance to try and change her mind.

She hasn't returned my messages or calls this past weekend, and I don't know what to do now because I don't even know what went wrong. I'm not sure if she has another guy, or if she genuinely wasn't happy, and the ambiguity is driving me crazy. What do you think I should do about this? I really want her back but I won't be able to achieve it if I don't even know what went wrong.

Any help is much appreciated guys!

I am sorry man, I know it is hard. I was in a similar situation once. I prayed that we got back together....but the truth is it doesn't work. I was depressed, heartbroken but as they say that only when you have lost all hope does the answer appear. The answer to "why not me?". And the answer was because of me. The truth is a woman/girl judges a guy all the time, even in a relationship. Biologically they are hardwired to find the best possible mate.

What does a best possible mate look like? A guy who is strong [who can protect her], a guy who knows how to take care of situations [who can make decisions for her], a guy with good social standing [so she can get her friends jealous], a guy who is fun & courageous [so she is never bored]. You are judged on all these factors.

Think of it like a scoring mechanism. Now remember it's happening way too internally: she would actievely deny it if you ask her that. But in truth she is. Now say a better guy comes in the story who has a high score than you. She would natrually choose him.

And another thing, women are more attached emotionally. If you want a nice healthy relationship =: make sure you add lot's of emotional drama. Sometimes fun, sometimes sadness, sometimes small fights. They kind of strengthen the relationship. That's why you would have noticed couples that fight a lot, but patch up tend to stay longer;

Hope this helps.




Help me

Fri, 09 Feb 2018 20:11:11 GMT

Something similar happened to me once. I was on the receiving end. I feel like there's things we both could have done differently, otherwise, we might have stayed together. We both handled it very badly.

I'd suggest reading this: https://www.rd.com/advice/relationships/15-steps-to-surviving-an-affair/ It seems like sensible advice to me.

If you are unable to follow these, counselling is the way to go. You are right that trust is one of the most important things in a relationship and you are obviously missing that element right now. Here's a resource on that as well if it helps: http://www.loveisrespect.org/healthy-relationships/trust/




Help me

Fri, 09 Feb 2018 15:04:26 GMT

I want you to think about what you're asking for: it's impossible. People can forget; they forget where they left their phone, or their car keys. But something like this cannot be forgotten. Forgiven? Certainly. But not forgotten, especially because of all people it had to be with his best friend.

You're clearly distraught, and you sound desperate, which will only lead to further exasperation and complications.

Go to couples counseling. Get professional help.




Help me

Mon, 05 Feb 2018 11:18:52 GMT

My bf and I have been together for 4 years. On and off since last year. When we broke up last year, his best friend started talking to me. One thing lead to another and we slept together. My mind wasn?t in the right place back then. I was at my lowest point. My guy and I got back together six months ago. Everything was picture perfect. We love each other like crazy, there is no doubt about that. Now the thing is that I was so ashamed to tell him and couldn?t do so until he cornered me. Till then, his best friend was lying to him and I told him the whole truth. I love him so much that I can?t imagjne my life without him and I hate myself so much for what happened. I?ve been trying to get us through this rough patch but he can?t seem to forget it regardless of how much he loves me. He has forgiven me but can?t seem to forget it. Please tell me what to do. What should I do to make him trust me aagain? To make everything okay again. We want to leave from here ASAP but we can?t do that for at least a year. I feel so messed up because he had plans on proposing to me right before he found out. How can I make him forget this?




Help I Need Some Relationship Advice!

Fri, 02 Feb 2018 20:28:27 GMT

peacefulescape:I know this is supposed to be an escapist forum, but the last thing I should be doing right now is to escape from my issue at hand. I don't know if I've lost her yet, but I can't sit by and do nothing while she walks out of my life for good. Just as the title mentioned, I need some relationship advice, and I was hoping you guys could give me some input because I'm feeling really confused right now. Here's the situation. We've been together for the last 2 years. I wouldn't call us a perfect couple but things have been relatively smooth sailing with no major issues this whole time. She hasn't brought anything up either so I would assume things were good with her as well? I mean I used to be able to say that with confidence but the fact that she left me says otherwise. We had minor disagreements from time to time, but nothing I would say worthy of breaking up over. Just last Friday, she calls me after work suggesting we meet for dinner. She still sounded completely normal so I didn't suspect anything while driving over. At the restaurant, over dinner, she suddenly brings up the topic of breaking up and the reason she gave was what bothered me because it's way too ambiguous. All she said was that we should break up and that she couldn't carry on with this relationship anymore because she wasn't happy. When I asked her what she wasn't happy about, she just tried to avoid the topic by going around in circles claiming how different we are. Then she just takes off, without even giving me a chance to try and change her mind. She hasn't returned my messages or calls this past weekend, and I don't know what to do now because I don't even know what went wrong. I'm not sure if she has another guy, or if she genuinely wasn't happy, and the ambiguity is driving me crazy. What do you think I should do about this? I really want her back but I won't be able to achieve it if I don't even know what went wrong. Any help is much appreciated guys! Hey dude - hope you are ok. I'm really sorry. It's absolutely shitty when someone breaks up with you. It sounds like she's put thought into it and made the decision so the best thing you can do right now is get on with things and try to forget her for the time being. You can't fix this in the same way you think you can. IF she ever wants you back, it'll be when you have genuinely moved on and she can sense that. You can't fake it. What you are feeling right now is loss. It's a similar (if toned down) feeling to when someone you know dies, as dramatic as that sounds (you know that person won't be a part of your life anymore). Have you heard of the stages of loss (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance)? At the time of your original post, it sounds like you are either at stage 1 (denial) or stage 3 (bargaining). It sounds really patronising because I know how this can feel - It's horrible - but it will pass and just knowing about the phases will help. Try to get through the phases before you think about properly seeing other people again because otherwise you'll be using women and probably not dealing with the loss (moving through the stages). But things like socialising, hobbies and remembering that you have a life outside her is the best way to start. Also, try to remember all the things in your life to be grateful for, whatever they might be. I'm sorry this happened to you, but you can't change people's minds and you can't get in her head (and it will just drive you mad if you start reading about psychology, attraction, etc). The only way she will feel like she's made a mistake is if you seem happy without her. Trust me on that - it happened to me when I was younger. For example, with a certain ex, it turned out that she'd slept with someone else and basically stopped feeling attracted to me (I found this out months later). I think she wanted to feel a spark again. After a while, sh[...]



Help I Need Some Relationship Advice!

Tue, 30 Jan 2018 15:04:33 GMT

(image)




Will my friend ever forgive me?

Tue, 30 Jan 2018 09:20:22 GMT

I don't know if there has been any updates on this as it's been a few days so please feel free to correct me if there are new developments.

So bottom line here is you screwed up pretty badly and being drunk is no excuse. He was your friend and is quite within his right to never forgive you. You need to accept the possibility that even if he manages to forgive you, he may never trust you again so it is possible the friendship may never bounce back. That all being said, the best thing you can do is give him space and time to cool off, as you are planning. After that he'll hopefully forgive you and give you the opportunity to earn his trust back.

The girl is the trickier part. By telling your mate without letting her know you threw her to the wolves without her being aware of it. I admittedly would want to know what she was planning to do though. I mean either she wanted to tell your mate herself, which is fine, or she was going to keep it a secret, in which case she isn't an honest person and would you really want a relationship with someone like that? However, if you do feel like you love this girl, I think you've got to at least speak to her about this. Apologise about telling your friend without letting her know first but tell her that you are still interested in her and if she feels the same she is single now so see if she fancies going to dinner, or whatever your preferred dating method is. If she wants to remain angry at you then she clearly doesn't feel as strongly about you as you do about her so I'd give up then and there and walk away.




Help I Need Some Relationship Advice!

Thu, 25 Jan 2018 07:47:54 GMT

tippy2k2:
I'm moving this to Advice. The stuff above is fine as it was in Off-Topic when they were posted but keep in mind that the Moderation is much stricter in Advice.

But advice forum is dead. I only ever look there when I'm really bored. Which is right now.

OT: I don't really have very good advice. Just try to stay strong and don't get desperate. Falling apart won't help you get her back, and it won't help you. I know, it's easy to say and hard to do. Hopefully it will take you less than a decade to get over her :/




Will my friend ever forgive me?

Wed, 24 Jan 2018 23:41:19 GMT

I'm a 20 year old guy in my second year of university in Italy. I've known my roommate for 2 years now and he's become one of my best friends. He met a girl about 6 months ago and we also became close friends. She quickly became one of the most important people of my life and I started falling in love with her. I felt as if I could talk to her for hours and that I was genuinely happy around her. 2 months ago she told me she felt the same way with me and things escalated from there. I kept seeing her more often, I just felt normal around her. Two weeks ago we were both drunk at a party and made out. I know I am a horrible person, I can't stop telling myself that every day.

I told my roommate some days ago and while he said he understood he said he needed time to process everything. He dumped the girl and now is giving me the cold shoulder, which I understand. I feel like shit. I miss my friend and not seeing the girl I love is killing me inside. I've talked to the girl and found out that she doesn't want anything to do with me anymore and that she's pissed at me for telling him without telling her first. I don't know if I did the right thing by telling him but I do feel better and I couldn't live with the guilt anymore. I know what I did was wrong and that I have to accept the fact that he might not ever forgive me. I've decided, as hard as it is, to ignore the girl and try and give my friend some space. Any advice?




Help I Need Some Relationship Advice!

Tue, 23 Jan 2018 09:19:47 GMT

peacefulescape:
All she said was that we should break up and that she couldn't carry on with this relationship anymore because she wasn't happy. When I asked her what she wasn't happy about, she just tried to avoid the topic by going around in circles claiming how different we are. Then she just takes off, without even giving me a chance to try and change her mind.

Man, that sucks dude, sorry. She's already probably long since made up her mind about this.

Best thing you can do for yourself is to just move on.




Help I Need Some Relationship Advice!

Tue, 23 Jan 2018 00:42:42 GMT

Thats not normal behaviour and throwing you under the bus like that is a bitch move. Its perfectly fine for you to feel hard done by and wallow in that for a while without necessarily doing anything about it; I know it feels like the heartache will never end right now but it really does pass with time. Theres certain things you can do to speed up that process, some will take longer than others, but theres no avoiding that period of heartache, so don't try.

As for what you can actually do, well, not much that involves her. If she's not even returning your calls the only thing thats left is to stalk her, which I wouldn't recommend, and to be brutally honest would be a bit pathetic too. As hard as it is you have to learn to let go - and trust me, I know how hard that is. I had almost the exact thing happen to me (although that relationship was under a year old, thank God) and it tore me up because up until that point I'd always been the one to end relationships, so I had to learn how to deal with that feeling of helplessness.

Really, apart from staying in contact with your family and friends, not isolating yourself and not allowing this to define your self worth or future relationships, there isn't much I can recommend except TIME. After the breakup I mentioned in the last paragraph I didn't allow myself that time, slept with someone else a week later - nope, didn't feel right, you need to digest things and forcing it won't help.

Ultimately its a learning experience and at least for me was quite humbling as well. Sometimes you aren't as important to someone else as they are to you. Sometimes things just aren't meant to be. Sometimes you'll really love someone who perhaps doesn't deserve it or stops loving you back for whatever reason. You just have to swallow that unbelievably bitter pill and track on at whatever tempo you can handle, and at some point you'll realize you're over the mountain and things are looking up again.




Help I Need Some Relationship Advice!

Mon, 22 Jan 2018 23:28:28 GMT

I'm moving this to Advice. The stuff above is fine as it was in Off-Topic when they were posted but keep in mind that the Moderation is much stricter in Advice.




Help I Need Some Relationship Advice!

Mon, 22 Jan 2018 23:10:22 GMT

Have you tried getting a giant robot? Chicks dig giant robots. That failing, move on and find someone else. Preferably someone who likes giant robots.




Help I Need Some Relationship Advice!

Mon, 22 Jan 2018 21:59:53 GMT

peacefulescape:
I know this is supposed to be an escapist forum, but the last thing I should be doing right now is to escape from my issue at hand. I don't know if I've lost her yet, but I can't sit by and do nothing while she walks out of my life for good. Just as the title mentioned, I need some relationship advice, and I was hoping you guys could give me some input because I'm feeling really confused right now.

Here's the situation. We've been together for the last 2 years. I wouldn't call us a perfect couple but things have been relatively smooth sailing with no major issues this whole time. She hasn't brought anything up either so I would assume things were good with her as well? I mean I used to be able to say that with confidence but the fact that she left me says otherwise. We had minor disagreements from time to time, but nothing I would say worthy of breaking up over.

Just last Friday, she calls me after work suggesting we meet for dinner. She still sounded completely normal so I didn't suspect anything while driving over. At the restaurant, over dinner, she suddenly brings up the topic of breaking up and the reason she gave was what bothered me because it's way too ambiguous. All she said was that we should break up and that she couldn't carry on with this relationship anymore because she wasn't happy. When I asked her what she wasn't happy about, she just tried to avoid the topic by going around in circles claiming how different we are. Then she just takes off, without even giving me a chance to try and change her mind.

She hasn't returned my messages or calls this past weekend, and I don't know what to do now because I don't even know what went wrong. I'm not sure if she has another guy, or if she genuinely wasn't happy, and the ambiguity is driving me crazy. What do you think I should do about this? I really want her back but I won't be able to achieve it if I don't even know what went wrong.

Any help is much appreciated guys!

There isn't always one reason. I think you're over thinking this (which is a totally normal reaction)
Maybe she was honest and she just wasn't happy and thought you were too different. She doesn't need a good reason, there isn't necessarily another guy. Its most likely she just wasn't feeling it for whatever reason. The relationship may not have been "bad" at all, she may just want someone she has more in common with

If she doesn't want to talk to you she doesn't have to, she's another human being with free will and she doesn't owe you anything just because you were in a relationship before. You guys are done, move on. The best way to get her back is to not try to get her back. Move on, live your best life, improve yourself, evolve and grow. Maybe 2 years down the road she'll come across your Facebook profile and see you being a strong independent man without her and she'll want to get back together with you

Or maybe she won't. Either way you should give her some space, the worst thing you could do right now is to smother her when she doesn't want it

(But what the fuck do I know, same thing happened to me 3 years ago and she's had one boyfriend since then and I've had like 5 other relationships. We're on good terms now which is cool, though)




Help I Need Some Relationship Advice!

Mon, 22 Jan 2018 21:11:55 GMT

Seems pretty bare bones that description. You say things have been smooth sailing, but then again humans don't like routine. In the two years you've been together what are some highlights of your relationship?

Places you've seen and things you've done, etc?

There might be a divide either between someone looking for more than just some partner to 'hang around' with. In my experience when people struggle with trying to explain why they're breaking up, typically it's a matter of emotional investment leaking like a siv. Rarely do you get people simply happy going to work, then hanging out with the same friends afterwards at the same pub for years on end. People's lives tend to follow that pattern because it's easier, but rarely is it fulfilling in terms of making a concerted effort to romantic engagement.

If she had little troubles expressing a wish to break up but couldn't really explain why it does sound like a condition with emotional investment. Of course humans are rarely that predictable. Regardless I would say you should move on.

To give you an example, some of my interests are orienteering, occasional freeclimbing and motorcycling. I like sewing, love board games, and etc.

That being said if I was to stake a relationship on something I'm not going to simply be happy with someone who shares or gels with something I occasionally want to do. I want to drag someone out into the bush with me. Work together as a team to possibly beat one of my best records in navigating some dangerous terrain. I want someone to explore Papus New Guinea with me. Perhaps plan out a motorcycle trip around Australia? See blistering red sand deserts and see the yearly floods that transform arid plains into horizon-spanning waters filled with waterfowl and migrating crocodiles.

Getting stuck in a rut of seeing all the same faces and all the same places isn't exactly my speed. Relationships tend to fall apart when you're both settling for something mundane than real experiences together. What builds emotional attachment is the friction of give and take to experience new things you might otherwise not have considered but also getting to show someone what you truly love in tandem.

Someone's 'smooth sailing' is quite often another person's 'boring'.




Help I Need Some Relationship Advice!

Mon, 22 Jan 2018 20:13:31 GMT

No one deserves to be dumped like that especially after 2 years. So in my opinion, you're better off without her. As apparently she's so self-centered that she doesn't take your feelings into account at all. Or wants to avoid addressing issues so much that she leaves without really any explanation or notification beforehand. Which means she'll be trouble later on as well.

So yea, as said before, move on. I know it's hard. I've had to do it twice so far as well. But now that she doesn't want to be part of your life any more, focus on yourself and on getting over her. It might take a while, but you will be able to do it.

Also, as mentioned above. We have an advice forum specifically for questions like these. Maybe a mod will move the thread there for you.




Help I Need Some Relationship Advice!

Mon, 22 Jan 2018 20:01:42 GMT

Well if she was happy she wouldn't break up with you. So for whatever reason she was unhappy and did. Best to leave it at that