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Progressive Humor, Snarks, and Satire in the spirit of Onion, National Lampoom, Mad Magazine, Monty Python, Black Adder, Lenny Bruce, George Carlin, Kathy Giffords and many others who press the bounderies of our usual culture for the advancement of progr

Published: Wed, 21 Mar 2018 08:16:55 +0000

Last Build Date: Wed, 21 Mar 2018 08:16:55 +0000

Copyright: Copyright 2005 - Steal what you want

The World According to "Duck Dynasty"

Fri, 05 Sep 2014 21:26:37 +0000

First of all, thanks A&E for unleashing these guys on us. No, really thank you. I mean it. They're like a right wing Kardashian clan. I needed that in my life. I really, really really did.

Now that these folks are "famous" the Robertson clan has been using their "celebrity" until it disappears ubiquitous in the media. I don't even have cable television and I know about these yahoos from Louisiana. They are apparently quite conservative and Christian. They are a perfect fit for Fox News.

I don't know their names. I think one is called "Uncle Brother"? I could make a bunch of poor white trash comments about them but that would be racist and prejudiced.

I try not to judge without knowing all the facts. Its just that, in this case, I don't care to know the facts.

Except that I believe this one to be true. I don't care what you say!

This just has to be what they looked like before getting all bearded up for the teevee for whatever reason.

Anyway, these loons appear on my news radar with alarming frequency lately.

I thought I would take a look at what the Robertons are doing as of late. Just cuz, yanno, I have the time to reflect and write a diary.

So, here goes nuthin'.

(This is totally pieced together from a patchwork of sources and is almost certainly a biased left-wing loon's account)

True Tales of "Customer Rage"

Wed, 27 Aug 2014 18:35:12 +0000

Life in the service industry is rough. But hey, we live in the service economy so whaddyagonnado?

See the "Customer Rage" survey as reported in USA Today for how we deal with customer service workers. People are fed up and they're taking it out on each other.

The number of households experiencing "customer rage" — they were very or extremely upset about the company response when they complained — jumped to 68% from 60% in the last survey, in 2011.

More of us are expressing that rage by yelling and cursing at customer-service representatives than two years ago. Yelling rose to 36% from 25% of the time, while cursing jumped to 13% from 7%.

Pity the poor flight attendant, locked in a metal tube 35,000 feet above the earth and forced to deal with some of the worst of humanity.

Pity the poor server who works for tips while earning the tip wage who is forced to deal with surly diners.

Pity the airline pilot who has to deal with drunken passengers who don't like that their flight is delayed and get fightin' mad about it.

Sure, we all have our own horror stories of bad service (Comcast anyone?) but please take a minute to see it from our side of the table.

Follow the maitre'd by the silly little squigglies to your table while we serve up some more tales of service industry woe.

497 Chikungunya virus cases so far in 2014: What you need to know about our new tropical disease

Sat, 26 Jul 2014 01:51:02 +0000

G, Mish-Mish, Kashi, Yeti and I are just six days away from our drive from Massachusetts to Florida so I've been reading up on dreadful tropical diseases that are creeping up from the Mexico and Caribbean as our global temperatures rise. Just to relax after a long day of packing, fixing the car, arguing about what we should keep or throw out, and carrying off many of my valuable lifetime possessions to the dump, I learned this bit of news.   Rob Garver of The Fiscal Times reports Chikungunya, and Other Diseases You Now Have to Worry About Last week, Florida health officials confirmed the first cases of the tropical disease chikungunya acquired in the United States. Chikungunya is a mosquito-borne virus native to Africa and South Asia that, until now, has never been endemic to the United States. It causes debilitating fever, and intense joint pain, and though it is seldom fatal, is very dangerous for people whose health is already compromised and can cause long-term arthritis-like symptoms. The arrival of this new disease comes on top of the increasing frequency in the U.S. of Dengue fever, a condition similar in its effects to chikungunya, and is also not native to the United States. So far this year the U.S has experience 497 cases of the the tropical disease caused by the Chikungunya virus so far in 2014 - much higher than our historical average yearly rate of 28 cases per year. Kitty Appel, of HuffPost Healthy Living reports 9 Must-Know Facts About The Chikungunya Virus, for which there is no vaccination, nor cure. The World Health Organization report the Carribbean and rest of the America experiences 436,586 suspected cases a year.   Onset of symptoms usually starts three to seven days after the mosquito bite. The symptoms can include headache, joint swelling, rash and muscle pain, with fever and joint pain being the most common symptoms, according to the CDC. Symptoms usually only last two to three days. ... The disease does not usually kill. Most people will feel better within a week, though some are never relieved of the debilitating joint pain. Like we are learning with shingles, hepatitis, HPV, and Epstein Barre many of the viruses that cause short term diseases like the measles, herpes, mononucleosis, never really leave our body, but either simmer at a low level, or wait - lurking like a coiled jungle tiger (apologies to Woody Allen), for a moment when our defenses are down to come back and strike with a vengeance. Recent cases reported in Florida included two locally acquired cases among patients who had not left the country. There have been 10 cases reported throughout North Carolina, just this week and three cases recently reported on Long Island, NY, though both the North Carolina and New York patients acquired the disease from mosquitoes they encountered in other countries. Humans contract the virus through mosquito bites, according to the World Health Organization. The Aedes species of mosquito, particularly Aedes aegypti and Aedes albopictus, transmits the virus. It's not spread human to human, though, in rare cases, it can be spread from mother to newborn; it can also theoretically be spread via blood transfusion, though this has never happened before, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. If an infected person is bitten by a mosquito, they can spread it to others. (They = mosquito, not the person bitten. We need some creative Sci Fi writers to create a new kind of Zombie to describe what happens if an infected person bites you. Although it is probably generally good health advice not to let people infected with things to bite you, even for fun.) (Humor alert!) Chikungunya is one of those ailments where all we can do is rest, drink lots of fluids and take pain relievers. As they say "smoke em if ya got em." It is sometimes misdiagnosed as dengue which has many of the same symptoms but dengue also causes bleeding from odd places, which is another unpleasant new tropical disease that is common in the tropics but[...]

Dinosaur Extinction Update: Fossil Follies Special Edition!

Fri, 20 Jun 2014 18:26:32 +0000

Something's afoot in the land of GOPasaurs, those crass, craven  creatures who rumble across the craton, roaring and wreaking havoc, stealing our resources, despoiling our environment, threatening the young, the sick, the weak, the differently-colored, differently oriented, and differently-abled with all manner of anguish, and generally consuming oxygen better spent on others. Despite their long dominance, some of this Mesozoic miscreants are showing serious signs of mortality. With millions of clever little mammals waiting in the wings, this could indeed be the Summer Of Discontent for some life-forms whose extinction is long overdue. Here are just some of the entries on the Grim Reaper's list. As always, dear reader, your own contributions to the list are most welcome, as the Reaper clearly has his hands full with this Mesozoic mess. Brontosaurus romneii, who should be basking on Caymanian shores on a substrate of cash, is instead roaming the craton, vocalizing his discontent with Obamasaurus rex. Still licking his wounds (a task he could easily afford to outsource), the always tiresome B. romneii, having avoided the miasmas of the Indochinese peninsula comfortably ensconced en France, has re-emerged as a military strategist par excellence. Or perhaps par excresance. Given his unparalleled wealth and dynastic brood, B. romneii can wait out the most patient of predators. One simply hopes he could do so in silence. Behemasaurus christii: Time has not been kind to this former top predator, who was set to leave the New Jersey shores for the rarified air of the White Cave. Interference with land bridge migrations triggered his sudden decline to extinction, despite B. christii's insistence that Lower Life Forms in his basin were at fault for these Mesozoic misdeeds. An apparent paleo-pay-to-play scheme has also attracted the attention of Prosecutosaurs who smell blood in the water. These saurian scandals have eroded what clout remained, and this once powerful carnivore may soon be worth little more than his BTu value. GetOffMyLawnASaurus mccainii: What? Still not extinct? Thousands of paleontologists shake their head, setting off fracking-induced-like quakes across the subcontinent. No, this gazilliagenarian, who unleashed the vile Griftasaurus palinii (q.v.) upon us, still bellowing his dismay with the Current State Of Affairs. The possibility of a re-engagement in the Tigris-Euphrates basin has re-animated this fossil, who cannot wait to send your offspring in search of the seven barrels of fossil fuel that will remain after ISIS torches the place. Also eluding extinction with the help of Mesozoic medical miracles is the despised Cheneysaurus dickii, now joined by his satanic spawn, Cheneysaurus lizii. C. dickii and his Halliburtonian Hadrosaurs created a fabrication so convincing that thousands of Americasaurs headed to the Tigris-Euphrates basin and laid down their lives. The limbic-brained Cheneysaurs, despite their billions in fossil-fuel wealth, their tiny forelimbs dripping the blood of patriots, cannot wait to double down on their bet. Since their previous foray, however, the North American craton has become populated by clever little mammals who will not fall for this shit again. Kochasaurus scottywalker: This witless puppet of the Kleptocracy has found himself mired in the Tar Pits of Malfeasance, leaving behind him a trail of electronic evidence that even the most mentally challenged saurian cretin could unravel. Will the Jurassic judicial system - a wholly-owned subsidiary of the Kochasaurs - be able to save little K. scottywalker from his half-witted hijinks, or will his fall into the abyss delight the schadenfreude-craving mammals? Paleo-economists suggest investing in popcorn futures. Griftasaurus palinii: Unleashed upon the continent by the spiteful G. mccainii, this shrill harpy is the grift that keeps on giving. Prone to incomprehensible vocalizations, G. palinii has attached herself to such paleo-luminaries as Corposa[...]

'My Cat From Hell' by Jackson Galaxy returns for 5th Season, sends out cute videos to lure humans

Sat, 26 Apr 2014 17:37:38 +0000

"Marking" tonight's premier return of the fifth season of "My Cat From Hell" on "Animal Planet," HuffPost reporter Lauren Duca speaks with Jackson Galaxy, whom she calls "the most famous cat behaviorist in the world, to learn that "basically everything we think we know about cats is wrong." Duca shows off her newly learned Pavlovian behavioral tricks and perspective by loading up her article Everything You Think You Know About Cats Is Wrong, with irresistibly cute dynamic gif photos of cats being so cute you will feel compelled to watch Jackson Galaxy's premier by unconscious forces beyond your control. No disclosures have been made if Animal Planet or Jackson were involved in the production of these dynamic gifs clearly designed to induced readers to recommend Lauren Duca's posts, follow her writings, (and probably anyone else who uses them, what sneaks these behaviorist are!), and watch the season premier of "My Cat From Hell."   As an example of what cat behaviorists have learned from closely watching our feline friends, please consider our first video. While the naive observer may might think that when cats blink slowly, they are sleepy and are nodding off. They would be totally wrong, as Lauren explains: When cats blink, they're basically saying "I love you" ... For cats, communicating love is the equivalent of communicating vulnerability. As a prey animal, a long blink is actually a very important feline gesture, because it surrenders the animal to harm and sends up a message of trust. "When a cat shuts their eyes to you for an extended period, it's a grand gesture," Galaxy explained. "It is to say to a potential predator, 'Go ahead, I trust that you won't kill me.'" As scientists we should test all hypotheses. We have three cats, in my household - or should I say "cat's lair?" If our cats are too tense, getting each other riled up, and starting to rip the place apart, I can indeed calm them down by looking at them and slowly and calmly blinking. Empirically, I've found that very slow lion like exhalations calm them even more, almost instantly. Sometimes, I even provide a reassuring roar of a self-confident, relaxed, alpha-male lion, which causes my girlfriend, Gina to shake her head, in disbelief, but all the cat's smile appreciatively, relaxing furthere with understanding tracing back to our common ancestory in the wild jungles filled with dangers primates evolved from treetop dwellers can only imagine. Thirty nine years ago, I read Gregory Bateson's "Step to an Ecology of Mind," in a coffee house in the Kresge building at MIT, (I don't know why I remember it so vividly.)  which included one chapter on his theory of why dogs use a "soft bite" to communicate affection. Bateson proposed that because dogs have no abstract logical way to communicate a negative such a "not" as in I will not hurt you, by acting out, "a soft mouthing of your arm in their mouth" they illustrate to the other, "hey, look, if I were hostile I could bite the shit out of you right now, but I'm not, so you can infer that I like you a whole bunch." Apparently, cats are doing the same with this blink, by demonstrating the opposite of the "hyper-alert" state their nervous system would be in if they were preparing for an attack. But, Jackson Galaxy seems to have it backwards, or only half of it. It's the blinking cats that is signalling, he isn't about to attack the other as well. Wow, these cats are a lot smarter than "we" realized. Who would have thought?  (Humor alert!) Umm, well, perhaps, we spoke to soon, and should have observed instead, "some cats may be a lot smarter than we thought." Here we seem to have one of the easily amused varieties whose owners project various imagined meanings into the behavior that tells us more about the owners than the poor cat who is probably just doing her morning Tai Chi exercises. (See Rorschach Ink Blot Test under Wikipedia for discussion of diagnostic use of projection highly rel[...]

Koch Brothers' net worth tops $100 billion!

Thu, 17 Apr 2014 12:48:46 +0000

David De Jong, of announces the news that the Koch Brothers Net Worth Tops $100 Billion as TV Warfare Escalates. "Spread the word! Billionaires of lessor means take heart. Hope exists that if you too just work harder, and apply yourself with more discipline, your net worth could top $100 billion, as well. Or, as it happens in this case, the Koch brothers picked up a couple of extra billion dollars  due to a one quarter surge in industrial production because several hundreds of millions of other Americans worked harder boosting GDP more than expected. Charles and David Koch, the billionaire brothers who run Wichita, Kansas-based Koch Industries Inc., added $1.3 billion to their collective fortune yesterday on reports that U.S. industrial production gained more than forecast. The surge elevated their net worth to more than $100 billion, according to the Bloomberg Billionaire's Index. The Koch brothers don't actually work, but rather contribute by being  role models for poor people, to remind us of what their our lives could be like if we only were not so selfish, slovenly, and rife with character flaws, as to continue our selfish choices to be be poor, and thereby burdening the morally superior, hard working rich people with our upkeep. By a combination of virtuous living, and having the good sense to chose to be rich, rather than poor, they set fine examples for all of us by their sheer existence. I wonder if there is any chance we could convince them to establish an educational foundation to fund a new reality channel so we could follow them around 24 hours a day, seven days a week so we could witness the level of virtue that must be involved in generating this magnitude of wealth. We might have a solution for the problem right here, folks. Perhaps, poor people can't even imagine it because some of us just haven't seen it before. I'd like to watch them sleep to see what it looks like to make $5 million while you are sleeping for six hours. This might be the very thing that would make me want to work harder to support such a wonderful system as such as we have that could create such an astonishing feat. (Sarcastic undertones alert!) Oh, yes I forgot to tell you one of the other ways the Koch brothers help our America, so I shouldn't be saying they aren't actually working. They also give out vast sums of money to convert democracy to oligarchy. Sorry, I sort of drifted off for a moment while suckling on the tits of the vast welfare state that is America. (Double Metaphorical Allusion Alert: "You'll have to pry my cold dead fingers of my guns," - Charelton Heston, and "Suckling on the Welfare "teets" - Paul Ryan: Caution: This is only a Metaphor Kids - Responsible progressive writers like The HoundDog do not Write Under he Influence, WUI, Also, do not try Double Mixed Metaphors at home or in school - HoundDog is a trained professional.) Back to our story, dang, this working can be so distracting for us poor, bad people. Why are we like this?     The Koch’s ascent comes as Freedom Partners, one of their fundraising networks, last week aired its first batch of television ads targeted at this year’s U.S. Senate races, including commercials knocking Democratic Senator Mark Udall of Colorado and Representative Bruce Braley of Iowa for supporting President Barack Obama’s health-care law. “The Koch brothers are pouring millions into this,” Chris Harris, a campaign spokesman for Senator Udall, said in an e-mail yesterday. “They’re only fighting for their own interests, not Coloradans’. Mark Udall has a long record of fighting for the middle class and stops at nothing to protect Colorado’s special way of life.” And, one of the most important aspects of Colorado's "special way of life," would seem to be having 46 million plus poor and middle class Americans, and their children, not have health insurance. The Koch brothers are funding a large[...]

Graphic humor medley: dog cartoons, Joy Bahar video, giant python eating croc, New Yorker etc.

Tue, 08 Apr 2014 23:34:07 +0000

Huffington Post deserves the hat tip for noticing the new cover of The New Yorker is going to drive the Republicans absolutely bonko. Let me be the first to predict a "subscription cancellation" campaign. New Yorker Shows Obama Getting His Health Care Revenge On Republicans

I didn't even notice until I was adding the Joy Behar video that he kids getting Obama's "medicine" are the Republican congressional leaders, John Boehner, Mitch McConnell, Ted Cruz etc.

Bwa, ha, ha, ha.

Since this is a little thin for a post by my standards I'm going to use this an an opportunity to post a few fun graphics and videos I've been storing up, including Joy Behar's toast of Chris Christie last night, and some funny dog cartoon, and cute dog pictures. Readers are welcome to post or comment on anything funny, or anything that might be on your mind. I'll get these other cartoons, and vids up in a few minutes.



This morning, someone mentioned Governor Chris Christie was "toast" inspiring  Remediator to bring us this  funny video of Joy Behar ambush roasting Chris Christie in  FUNNY: Joy Behar to Chris Christie 'Don't Bully Me'

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While relaxing after dinner, thumbing through the latest issue of Canine Quarterly this cartoon caught my eye.  The caption is blurry. One dog says to the other dog, "I had my own blog for a while at Daily Kos but I decided to go back to just pointless incessant barking."

I had my own blog for a while at Daily Kos but I decided to go back to just pointless incessant barking.


"Crashing the Estates: The Rise of Corporate Powered Politics and The Daily Kochs" (Humor)

Tue, 01 Apr 2014 23:04:28 +0000

Every now an then a book comes along that not just changes your thinking about politics, but also the way you think about politics. Crashing The Estates: The Rise of Corporate Powered Politics and The Founding of The Daily Kochs," by David H. Koch and Charles G. Koch is such a book. Crashing the Estate is a shot across the bow of the political establishment in Washington, DC and a call to oligarchy in politics in America. This book lays bare, with passion and precision, how ineffective, incompetent, and antiquated democracy in America has become, and how it has failed to adapt and respond to new realities and challenges and how it needs to be replaced with a corporate based oligarchy. The authors save their sharpest knives to go for the jugular in their critique of liberals, Democrats, progressives, leftists, woman, homosexuals, people of color, Hispanics, other minorities, and the transsexual menace who they say are now running--and ruining--our country. Written by two of the most popular and inspiring corporate heroes in America, the book hails the new movement--of the grassroots, the unorthodox entrepreneurs , the maverick big donors--that is the antidote to old-school politics as usual. Fueled by advances in technology and a hunger for a more authentic and populist oligarchy, this broad-based movement is changing the way political campaigns are waged and managed. The authors have founded an innovative website called The Daily Kochs to inspire grass root participation by other billionaires who feel isolated by liberal America to band together and make their voices heard. For example Donald Trump says. "I'm tired of being a lurker in American politics. Daily Kochs has finally given me a chance to find my voice and be heard. I've finally found a place where I can be taken with the degree of seriousness I deserve. I don't know what I would do without it. "   A few quotes from their first chapter might give readers here a sense of the electric excitement this sensational book creates: We have a Republican Party that can't govern, a Democratic Party that can't get elected, and little doubt that a great nation is suffering as a result. We cannot wait any longer for the traditional Parties to reform themselves  and lead us into a new era of electoral success. Those of us who have proven our capabilities and worthiness by merit of our wealth must act now to take back our party and our country. They may view us in D.C. as barbarians at the gate, but we are not armed with pitchforks and torches. Technology has opened up the previously closed realm of activist politics to the likes us. Whether the stagnant liberal  establishment wants it or not, the new movement of oligarchy will reclaim the Republican Party as the party of the corporations. Our message is simple: You can get out of the way or work with us. Trying to stop us is a losing proposition. If only we could say, "To hell with the Democratic Party!" But part of the present American reality is that we live in a two-party system, and the Democratic Party is our only enemy. It's efficient-and expedient-to reform the existing Republican, much as the liberals, homosexuals, minorities and women's movement took over the Democratic Party in the 1970s and converted it into the electoral powerhouse it is today." Time is of the essence. America is going to hell in a hand-basket under a morally and economically bankrupt democratic constitutional government and Democratic leadership. We need an authentic, corporate, oligarchy movement run by billionaires to crash the gate and save our nation. For those of you not familiar with the Koch brother Wikipedia tells us these two philanthropists are famous for their charitable works helping the poor, donating to educational projects, and encouraging participation of Americans in our political systems. David H. Koch and Charles G. K[...]

Galactic oscillations around dark matter disk could cause 35 million year extinction cycle

Sun, 16 Mar 2014 21:41:53 +0000


Breaking! -- Scientists have developed a theory that might explain the mysterious 35 million year extinction cycle that may have killed off the dinosaurs. According to a publication in Nature, "Dark Matter Disk Could Have Killed Dinosaurs, Scientists Say. Our whole galaxy might be oscillating around a thin disk of dark matter in the center of the galaxy that provides enough disruption of gravity to send meteorites out of the Oort cloud bombarding the earth every 35 million years.  


In the latest paper, theoretical physicists Lisa Randall and Matthew Reece, of Harvard University in Cambridge, Massachusetts, reignite another proposal, which puts the supposed periodicity down to the way the Sun — and the Solar System with it — move inside the Milky Way. As the Sun follows the swirling motion of the Galaxy's arms, circling around the galactic centre, it also moves up and down, periodically crossing the plane that cuts the Galaxy into a top and a bottom half like the two bread slices in a sandwich. The authors suggest that as the Sun oscillates up and down, it crosses a denser layer of dark matter — like the ham in the middle — causing a gravitational push and pull that disturbs comets in the Oort cloud.

Previous models could not account for a gravitational force strong enough to cause the effect. But Randall and Reece show that a thin disk of dark matter at the centre of the Galaxy could do exactly that, causing comet storms with a periodicity of about 35 million years. This would match some weak statistical evidence found in recent surveys of impact craters. Their paper is due to appear in Physical Review Letters

Dark matter is usually thought to be very weakly interacting and thus unable to settle into such a disk. But the authors suggest that a small fraction of dark matter could behave very differently. Last year, they developed a theory of 'dissipative dark matter' in an attempt to explain dark-matter-like signals from the Galaxy's centre seen by the Fermi Gamma-ray Space Telescope. Their model yields a dark disk about 35 light years (10 parsecs) thick, with a density of about 1 solar mass per square light year (10 solar masses per square parsec) — dense enough to trigger periodic comet showers.

The statistical evidence is borderline, if not very weak, but how could I resist starting a article based on a 250 million timeline with "Breaking?"

#mcconnelling - palooza

Sat, 15 Mar 2014 00:20:45 +0000

So ...

I'm not new to this #mcconnelling thing. Jon Stewart's crew did a pretty bang up job of introducing the concept, and I have seen some pretty awesome ones already shared here at the Great Orange Satan. But, you know me. I had to get in on the action too.

So, without further ado ...

#mcconnelling my way

Is comparing Chris Christie to Tony Soprano stereotyping Italians and insensitive to mafiosos?

Fri, 14 Feb 2014 22:23:35 +0000

Credit: Photo Illustration by Jacqueline Mellow/The New Republic  --- Dats a nice house ya got dare Christie, what a shame if something were to happen to it. - The HoundDogio, aka The Daawwggster The New Republic has created a few chuckles and now a tiff with Jacqueline Mellow's satirical depiction of Governor Christie on top of a famous scene of Tony Soprano checking his mail in a bathrobe, with gold chain, in front of his gorgeous mansion. Eddie Scarry, who runs a blogs site affiliated with Glen Beck called The Blade, asks Is this ‘Sopranos’-like photo illustration of Chris Christie racial? And, I've seen many Kossacks ask "is it wrong that I am smiling?" The New Republic it out with an exhaustive report on New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie‘s (R) career, painting an unflattering portrait of a man who got to the top of Jersey politics by navigating his career like a mobster, punishing his enemies, rewarding his allies, and with a cunningness to appear clean handed. ... There is something overtly Italian-American stereotypical about it, markedly a reference to fictional crime boss Tony Soprano. “Christie is half Sicilian,” remarked one person on Twitter who saw the image. “If someone portrayed a black politician as a gangsta I know exactly how The New Republic would react.” While Governor Christie's office declined to comment, Stephen Silver, of TechnologyTell answers "No, it’s not racist to compare Chris Christie to Tony Soprano: Ready to re-litigate that whole “is The Sopranos guilty of stereotyping Italian-Americans?” fight, combined with the Chris Christie/George Washington Bridge scandal, along with right-wing attempts to play the left-wing identity politics game? ... The photo isn’t just “overtly Italian-American stereotypical.” It’s Tony Soprano. The house is Tony Soprano’s house. The bathrobe is Tony Soprano’s bathrobe, and the necklace is Tony Soprano’s necklace. The photo is almost certainly an official image from a Sopranos episode, with Christie’s head photo shopped onto James Gandolfini’s body. For the first several Sopranos seasons, it was a tradition in the season premiere for Tony to go down his driveway in a bathrobe to get the newspaper- Sopranos recapper Alan Sepinwall always used to beam with pride that the paper he picked up was the Newark Star-Ledger, which employed Sepinwall at the time. It’s an iconic image that I imagine most people reading the TNR article recognized immediately. ... Political observers have been comparing Chris Christie to Tony Soprano for his entire career, mostly because Christie is a large man from Northern New Jersey in a position of power who’s known for behaving aggressively. The "Silverado Slammer" adds that most people don't even know that Governor Christie is half Sicilian, and no one has implied that Christie has any times to the actual mafia. If any stereotyping is going on it is about Republicans, and as Glenn Beck and Eddie Scary very well know, this is considered perfectly O.K. in modern media Oh, did I mention that it is Friday Night Silly Time. Readership drops off so much Friday night I declare this a lonely hearts open thread. Hope you are having fun. But, just in case The Slammer is wrong, I'd like to apologize to any members of the real mafia that may have been offended by comparisons of Governor Christie's thug-like behavior, abuse-of-power, and bullying.   [...]

May God bless America, and all the other countries and peoples of the world

Mon, 27 Jan 2014 23:51:48 +0000

------ Satire Alert: Posts in Hydrant are intended to be humorous and sometimes sarcastic. Some parts of this post contain good natured self-deprecatory humor as a literary device and longer story line. It may not be suitable for all audiences and does not necessary reflect the thought of opinions of the blog character named HoundDog, his artificial intelligence programming, or of his creator, Sue Do Nimm, and other programmers. -------- For the last four decades, every time a president of the United States of America concludes the State of the Union speech, with "And may God Bless America," I always gasp when they leave out "and all the rest of the country's and people's of the world." Can you imagine having a big community Thanksgiving dinner celebration and then with the opening prayer ask God to bless your family, but not all the others present? Guests, strangers and loved ones, equally worthy of God's blessing? It would seem not just to be socially clumsy, but down right unfriendly to all the other folks assembled.   I fully recognize this is my own fault and take full responsibility for it.  After every speech,  I always declare to myself that I'm going to write into the the President to suggest it for next time. But, then I never do, and then when the next SOTU speech comes up, I remember it too late, like this time. Damn, I hate it when I let down America, God, and the well being of all the peoples of the world, over and over again, as if that's not important enough to float up to the top of my daily to do list after well over more than 40 years of complaining about it frequently to others. As said, I am sorry about this and take full responsibility. In fact, I'm sad about this as well. Yes, I am sorry and sad, just like Governor Chris Christie. If I had only cultivated a higher caliber of friends and acquaintances they would have taken down notes and gone ahead and done this for me.  I'm sorry I do not have more diligent friends, fellow Kossacks. But rest assured that I have fired all of my previous friends and will find much better ones so something like this never happens again. And, although I never asked any of my previous friends how they could have let this happen, I am so concerned about it that I've started an investigation to get to he bottom of this. Please don't ask me any questions about this investigation. I'll let you know if anything is worth reporting.   In the meantime, could one of you please write to suggest this to President Obama for next year, as it could be a major breakthrough for all of us. President Obama could symbolize a new transformation of America coming out of our shell and taking an interest in the rest of the world. And, when our pundits keep saying that the President of the United States of America is also the leader of the free world, the rest of the people should get a happy feeling, and just one of the reasons being that we care enough about them to ask for their blessing and are even thinking of them when we form our common vision of our plans for our and their futures. And even if some of you don't actually feel this way, imagine the advantages of appearing to be the kind of people who are so generous that they ask for this common blessing freely and naturally, from the bottom of our hearts. Consider how strategic it would be to give the rest of the world the impression that we cared enough about them to do this, even though it is not legally required?   Maybe it would encourage some of the other people of the world to imagine there still may be hope for us. Perhaps, they might even be so encouraged they might recommend other ways we could more effectively interact with them, improve our  foreign policy,  and more effectively participate[...]

Indiana considers decriminalization of marijuana

Thu, 23 Jan 2014 00:52:23 +0000

I just received this missive from Torquemadawg, saying that Indiana is considering decriminalizing small amounts of marijuana. This seems sensible to me. I pass it on here without comment.


Brothers sisters and others
I speak to you from the Heartland
Come forth out of the darkness
and step into the light
of marijuana legalization

Here's the latest news
from Indianans
considering decriminalization.

Indiana has some of the harshest criminal penalties
for mere possession.

The current law in Indiana says that possession of even half a gram of weed is a criminal offense that can result in a $5,000 fine and up to a year behind bars. But a new bill introduced last week by state Sen. Karen Tallian (D-Portage) would make possessing less than two ounces of cannabis a civil offense, similar to a parking violation.

Supporters of decriminalization say the bill would save taxpayer dollars and free up law enforcement resources to focus on other types of crimes, such as robberies, rapes and murders.

Although a majority of Indiana residents support decriminalization, the bill may still have a tough time becoming law. The Indiana legislature failed to pass similar measures last year and the year before. The state's Republican governor, Mike Pence, spoke out in March 2013 against lowering penalties for possession. Pence has also said he considers marijuana to be a "gateway drug."

(image) Torquemadog


This is Hounddog here again.  I worry about that boy sometimes.

I do approve of Indiana moving in the right direction. $5,000 and a year behind bars for possession of half a gram does seem a tad excessive when you stop and think about it.
How soon will we see a case of a marijuana tourists accidentally leaving a half of gram of legally purchased weed in Colorado in the bottom of their suitcase, and then get arrested and put in jail for one year in Indiana when the police find stray crumbs?

OccupyStephanie reminds us that the for profit prison companies are going to fight this tooth and nail.  

Tea Party Extinction Update: Release The Velociraptors!!

Tue, 29 Oct 2013 15:33:40 +0000

Explanations abound for the mass extinctions of slow-witted lumbering beasts that once roamed the earth only to find their skeletons incorrectly reassembled in the natural history museums of the world. Today, however, we are witnessing a mass extinction in real time, a mass suicide of paleo-epic proportions; an extinction apparently yearned for by its victims. Nothing in your science text books explains this bizarre phenomenon, so grab some popcorn and take a seat as your intrepid diarist delves into this antediluvian debacle. The architect of this extinction is Calgarasaurus tedcruzii. Hailing from the Canadian Shield, this anointed king of the always gullible Baggasaurs spotted the approaching asteroid, and figured out a way to ensure a direct hit on fellow GOPasaurs.  Normally, Calgarasaurs tend to their own business in the greasy Albertan oil sands. This specimen, however, has utterly flummoxed the Birthersaurs by declaring itself "American" by virtue of birth to an American female in much the same way that Obamasaurus Rex would have... Oh, coprolite! No! It can't be!!! But... I digress. C. tedcruzii applied his highly educated mind to the problem of extinction and recast it as an "opportunity" to wreak massive destruction on Obamasaurus Rex, mainstream GOPasaurs, and ordinary people simply trying to survive. In the end, O. Rex reigned supreme, yet C. tedcruzii looked upon the steaming scorched earth and pronounced it "a good start". His jubilation was not shared by Boehnersaurus lachrymosii whose extinction loomed large as C. tedcruzii blathered on. The Orange One did his best to walk the survival tightrope, a task made all the more challenging by his continued reliance on ethanol-based sustenance. In the end, he "survived", but with his planetary dominance greatly diminished as the Baggasaurs threatened further assaults on their own kind unless they are given... wait. They'll remember it in a second... it's on the tip of their tongue. Hold on... Sensing a seismic shift (or perhaps just short of cash), Griftasaurus palinii emerged from seclusion to work her Mesozoic magic on witless followers whose short memories left them vulnerable to one more scam. Attaching herself to C. tedcruzii like a life-draining parasite, G. palinii yammered away at that shrill frequency that caused proto-birds to fall from the sky while besotted Baggasaurs opened their hearts and wallets to their once and future queen. The Henry Higgins who foisted this redneck Eliza Doolittle on the world, McCainasaurus getoffamylawnii, attempted to distance himself from the ongoing bloodbath by reprising his elder-statesman-voice-of-reason persona. By now, however, even the most micro-minded of his fellow GOPasaurs had consigned him to the scrap-heap of history, his illustrious military and political career eclipsed by the possibility of G. palinii sitting one heartbeat away from the nuclear launch codes. Speaking of shrill voices, Archeopteryx bachmannii joined in the fray, squawking something about Obamasaurus Rex and "end times". As usual, this was no more than paleo-projection as her own self-inflicted end times had spelled the extinction of her reign of error. Still, as so often happens, the song has ended, but the malady lingers on as A. bachmanni cannot accept her fate and continues her pathetic efforts to warn the world of one impending doom, while blissfully unaware of the real impending doom. Impending doom has long followed Darthvadersaurus cheneyii, who has eluded the Grim Reaper with the help of the same cutting-edge medical care that he would happily deny other lifeforms. Despite several brushes with extinction, this cold-blooded, soulless creature not only walks the Earth, he shameles[...]

Happy days are here again: Mitt Romney to headline New Hampshire GOP fundraiser

Wed, 10 Jul 2013 22:09:17 +0000

This just in from our "this is too good to be true" department - Mitt Romney may be on the comeback trail as Steve Peoples reports the announcement of an August 6 Mitt Romney New Hampshire Fundraiser

BOSTON — Republican officials have confirmed that Mitt Romney is scheduled to attend an August fundraiser for the New Hampshire GOP, the first time the 2012 Republican presidential nominee will headline a political fundraiser since his November loss. ...

After his humiliating election loss, Romney has stayed in seclusion, but recently "has hinted at a desire to play a more active role ahead of the 2014 midterm elections." I sure hope he doesn't find a way to make an ass of himself.  Or, "show his ass," - what is the right expression?
He told the Wall Street Journal in May that he plans to re-emerge in ways that would "help shape national priorities."

His brand suffered after losing what was widely considered a winnable election, but Romney maintains a national fundraising network that could help generate millions of dollars for candidates, super PACs and party committees. He attended a three-day summit last month in Utah that featured prominent Republican fundraisers, a handful of potential 2016 GOP presidential candidates and even some high-profile Democratic strategists.

Oh, what a delightful development - Mitt Romney reemerging to help "rebrand" the image of the Republican Party. As if were not enough that Republicans have already elevated anti-immigration efforts, and attacked women's right to choose in Texas as major themes of their "New Republican Party" rebranding efforts. Is it too early to hope for Rick Perry, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, and Rick Santorum to run again in 2016 on a "Let's return America to the 47%" platform?  

Stupid Republican tricks special edition: Florida accidently bans linking computers to internet

Tue, 09 Jul 2013 19:57:51 +0000


From our "see, this is why we can't have good things" department, citizens of Florida learn what happens when you elect morons to control state legislatures -they pass idiotic legislation.

The Miami Herald and Huffington Post report:

When Florida lawmakers recently voted to ban all Internet cafes, they worded the bill so poorly that they effectively outlawed every computer in the state, according to a recent lawsuit.

In April Florida Governor Rick Scott approved a ban on slot machines and Internet cafes after a charity tied to Lt. Governor Jennifer Carroll was shut down on suspicion of being an Internet gambling front -- forcing Carroll, who had consulted with the charity, to resign.

Florida's 1,000 Internet cafes were shut down immediately, including Miami-Dade's Incredible Investments, LLC, a café that provides online services to migrant workers, according to the Tampa Bay Times.


And, how not surprising is it to discover this effort is being led by our top Florida clown-fool, Rick Scott, who "reportedly called the ban, 'the right thing to do for our state."'

GOPasaur Extinction Update: Rewriting The Fossil Record

Mon, 01 Apr 2013 16:05:21 +0000

                                Actually, the GOP version is only about 6,000 years

It's not easy being green a GOPasaur. All signs points to their individual and collective extinction, yet they still walk the Earth, seemingly oblivious to their fate, unable to see what any sentient creature could see: it's so over. The planet, it seems, is moving on without them and they're left to ponder the cruel vicissitudes of fate. For surely, it must just be fate, right?? It couldn't have been anything that they said or did, could it??

Like young children, taking to heart their teachers' threats that their latest malfeasance would be etched in stone on their Permanent Record, GOPasaurs live in perpetual dread that their crimes, misdeeds, ethical lapses, and offhand remarks about female reproduction. Unfortunately (for them), while their witless song may have ended, the malady lingers on, thanks to the preservative properties of the fossil record.

Thus is is with unalloyed joy that some of our paleo-pals have discovered a solution to their extinction fears, a way to wipe the slate clean of their missteps and recast themselves in ways that the votersaurs will find appealing, even irresistable. Follow along below the Gobi Desert Easter Egg for the Rest of the Story...

GOPasaur Extinction Update: CPAC Fossil Follies!

Mon, 18 Mar 2013 16:29:05 +0000

GOPasaurs and GOPasaur wannabees, journalists, lobbyists, and hookers were joined by paleontologists at the Cretaceous Political Animal Circus (CPAC), proving once again that politics makes very, very strange bedfellows. Rarely do we get to observe so many extinction-ready creatures in one place, a diorama come to life, with gritty GOPasaur-on-GOPasaur carnage worthy of paleo-pay-per-view. While some GOPasaur heavyweights such as Behemasaurus christii and Getoffamylawnasaurus mccainii and Transvaginasaurus mcdonnellii were notably absent, the Grim Reaper's short list of extinction candidates was as lengthy as it's ever been. Having all of his prospects together in one room? Priceless! Griftasaurus karlroveii, not one to miss an opportunity to siphon funds away from the gullible GOPasaur hangers-on, has yet to realize that his position atop the Cretaceous food chain ended some time ago. The former king-maker listened in horror as Griftasaurus palinii, sporting black leathery coloration, ripped him an alternative orifice. The vacuous G. palinii, snarkily slurping on a Big Gulp soda to fill the void in her cerebral cortex, yammered on in her "I-realize-that-you-people-aren't-too-bright-so-I'll-speak-real-slow" voice. Her besotted followers, reflexively reaching for their wallets, loved every minute of her schtick. Meanwhile, tectonic rifts emerged in the GOPasaur party to the dismay of the Kochasaurs, who, despite their millions of dollars in political "investments" had to face facts: they wuz robbed! Instead of filling the CPAC venue with GOPasaur superstars, statespersons, and visionaries, they wound up with washed-up has-beens whose continued presence on the planet defies logic. Case in point: Brontosaurus romneii. Sure, he was the party's failed presidential candidate and therefore worthy of consideration. But goshdarnitall, hadn't his mate, the Freon-veined Dressageasaurus cruella, promised that this was "their" last campaign? What part of "go away!" do these people not understand? Then we have Stegasaurus newtii, holding up an incandescent light bulb to signify that the GOPasaurs needed some new ideas. LEDs maybe? Compact fluorescents? Admittedly, S. newtii has been known to frequent any venue that covers his speaker fees, but it's been eons since he's had anything to say. Among the other GOPasaur glitterati who've outlived their usefulness is Birthasaurus thedonaldii, whose continuing obsession with the origins of Obamasaurus Rex has grown so old that even Orlysaurus taitzii is saying, "give it a rest, you pompous bastard." Cubanasaurus marcorubio, the Latinosaurus GOPasaur messiah-du-jour insisted that there was nothing wrong with the party, because, America! The GOPasaurs loved hearing that, as nothing is more soothing to their frazzled nerves than the affirmation that the status quo is fine the way it is. However, Libertariasaurus notnamedforAynrandii, countered with a withering indictment of the party as mired in the Triassic tar pits, unable to find its ass with both hands. Speaking of tar pits, Texasaur tedcruzii, whose Canadian Shield origins seem of no concern to these birth-certificate-obsessed GOPasaurs, used the CPAC forum to continue advancing his Right-wing agenda. Even his fellow attendees found themselves wondering if he hadn't in fact crossed a land-bridge too far. Ammunitiasaurus lapierrii, always a crowd favorite at any GOPasaur gathering, continued his own random walk into the maelstrom of insanity with continued pleas to arm every sentient being in the drainage basin. As if to prove his point that danger lurks everywhere, several dark-color[...]

Extinction Update: Brontosaurus Romneii (The Song Has Ended But The Malady Lingers On)

Tue, 05 Mar 2013 22:13:24 +0000


Seismometers across the continental plate reverberated as previously-thought-to-be-extinct Onepercentasaur Brontosaurus romneii emerged from one of his well-appointed caves to grace the world with his witless utterances. With the onset of the paleosequester, this unwelcome political behemoth felt it necessary to return to the miasmic swamps of political life to point out that, had he eluded electoral extinction, Things Would Be So Much Better. This insipid viewpoint was amplified by B. romneii's mate, Dressageasaurus cruella, whose vocalization - like nails on a Cretaceous chalkboard - continue to jangle the nerves of all organisms in the drainage basin.

"If only", they sigh, in carefully rehearsed unison, "we had been the chosen ones. All of this awfulness could have been avoided." Indeed. Awfulness of an altogether different sort would have pervaded the land, or at least 47 percent of the land. Latinosaurs would be stampeding in throes of self-deportation. Venturecapitasaurs would be driving workers into the streets while expanding their vast offshore caverns to accomodate still more wealth. The cries of the unemployed, the impoverished, the elderly, and the ill would reverberate across the land. All the while, B. romneii's dynastic wealth would grow to proportions that would cause serious global tectonic disruption.

When last we heard from these two, they were licking their wounds after the painful realization that all their grand evening of fireworks and victory toasts had come crashing down around them. Indeed, the only joy of that dark night came from the immediate termination of employment of B. romneii's campaign staff, and the concurrent cancellation of their credit cards, stranding them far from home. Yes, good times, but alas, over all too soon.

As fellow GOPasaurs engaged in the gnashing of teeth, self-loathing, and blamestorming that has become their hallmark, B. romneii and D. cruella slunk away in the night, never to be heard from again, until now, when their vocalizations have resumed, fueled by a heady mixture of righteous indignation and denial. Follow along below the coprolite for The Rest of the Story...

GOPasaur Extinction Update: Griftasaurus Karlroveii

Tue, 12 Feb 2013 19:20:11 +0000

As reported in the New York Times and other reputable sources - and widely mocked elsewhere - Griftasaurus Karlroveii has concocted yet another plan to stave off extinction... or at least make some money off it if it's really unavoidavle. In a party where dinosaur-on-dinosaur violence has reached levels worthy of paleo-pay-per-view coverage, the bespectacled behemoth believes that he has found the Secret of Eternal Relevance. As always, it involves money. Other people's money, obviously.

His latest Life Extension scheme involves establishment of the Conservative Victory Party. While that sounds dreadfully bland, rest assured, blood will spill, and carnage will result. Don't touch that dial! First on the CVP's hit list? The witless Baggasaurs whose moronic Mesozoic meddling has already cost the GOPasaurs some key seats in the House and Senate. Like a clown car filled with velociraptors on crack, the Baggasaurs provided ample amusement for those of us on the other side of the aisle, but have been an unending torment for their supposed allies.

Spawned by the evil genius and deep pockets of the Kochasaurs and a few other one-percenters with more free time and money than brains, the Baggasaurs were foisted on the American public as a true grass-roots Paleo-phenomenon. Easily identified by their curious headgear, poorly-spelled signs, and angry vocalizations, the Baggasaurs played their parts to perfection. Their walnut-sized brains ensured that they would never discern that they were simply "extras" in the Greatest Story Never Told, and that despite their daily trips to the mailbox, their checks would never arrive.

Still, when measured in terms of damage done versus IQ points, the Baggasaurs will leave a dent in the fossil record. In retrospect, their Reign of Error may represent the Beginning of the End for GOPasaurs. Some analysts surmise that G. karlroveii is very much in agreement with this view, but clearly not above using it to advance his own objectives. Follow along below the coprolite horizon for more...

Dinosaur Extinction Update: Fiscal Fossil Follies!!

Thu, 03 Jan 2013 17:35:32 +0000

A new day dawns, and the Earth shifts beneath their feet of the already uneasy GOPasaurs. The Grim Reaper has been working overtime to keep up with the carnage, and it's not over yet, not by a long shot. Here's the latest on those who've been culled from the herd, and those whose paleo prospects are looking especially grim. Make that a double. Boehnersaurus lachrymosii has new reasons to return to the barstool and shed those crocodile saurian tears as he awaits the verdict from fellow GOPasaurs on whether the Orange One will live to Speak another day. Those who cover his prized position at the head of the House Food Chain can barely suppress their eagerness to throw the long-suffering B. lachrymosii into the nearest volcano in his hour of weepy weakness. Cold, clammy skin? Check. Beady little eyes? Check. Blood-drenched talons? Check. Velociraptor cantorii, whose Freon-like cold blood terrifies everyone in the drainage basin, is on the march. This venomous and vile creature is unconstrained by considerations of loyalty, happily sinking its fangs into friend, foe, or passerby if it will advance his reptilian objectives of world domination. Cretaceous conservasaur Demintasaurus dementii has shuffled off his governmental coil for a position at the head of a "think tank", a surprising move for this dull-witted limbic-brained creature. Among GOPasaurs, thinking is considered a major fossil faux pas, but like all of his species, the lure of Vast Sums of Wealth prove all too tantalizing. Archelon mcconnellii, stepping in to save the day as his orange colleague retreated to his underground wet bar grotto at the height of the Fossil Fiscal Follies, proved that, when the chips were down, you might as well break out the salsa, crack open a cold beer, and make the best of a difficult situation. Emerging from his deliberations with Pugilasaurus joebidenii looking little the worse for wear, A. mcconnelli shows that turtle tenacity that explains why his kind have endured over hundreds of millions of years as other GOPasaurs have fallen by the wayside. Succumbing to extinction - but not without a fight - is Inflammasaurus allenwestii, whose hate-filled vocalizations will be remembered long after he has taken his place in the fossil record. Even by GOPasaurian standards, this vicious spewer of virulent venom was considered extreme. Paleo-pundits fear that we have not heard the last outburst from this caustic critter. Votersaurs also bade a fossil farewell to Legitimasaurus toddakinii, whose antidiluvian grasp of reproductive biology was considered outdated even by Triassic colleagues. Scientific ignorance, a point of pride among male GOPasaurs, has its limits, and L. toddakinii delineated those limits conclusively. Fellow reproductive expert Giftfromgodasaurus mourdockii also reached the end of his evolutionary journey, not a moment too soon. While not strictly speaking a GOPasaur, Whineasaurus liebermanii embodied enough egregious GOPasaur traits to warrant posthumous taxonomic reclassification. Loathed by Cretaceous colleagues on both sides of the aisle, this craven critter proves that paleo-party loyalty matters, even in pre-stone-age times. It's off to the Tar Pits for Deadbeatasaurus joewalshii, proving that turning one's back on one's offspring while living large is considered Very Poor Form, even among carnivores. Dispensing marriage and child-rearing advice while living a fraudulent lifestyle? Priceless. Despite his twisted pronouncements, Pledgeasaurus norquistii slid further into the Tar Pi[...]

More [Limerick] Reasons To Say "Good Riddance, 2012"

Mon, 31 Dec 2012 18:14:59 +0000

[although 2013's not lookin' so hot either...]

Mayan forecasts of doom were a bust
Where's a prophecy people can trust?
If the world's gonna end
We will have to depend
On some accurate facts! That's a must!

Kim and Kanye expecting a child?
Those Kardashians should be exiled!
Reproducing at will
Is their primary skill
With celebrities they have beguiled

Poor John Boehner; there's not enough Scotch
To make up for his fiscal cliff botch
As he faces the day
Caucus in disarray
Eric Cantor's on speakership watch

Crazy weather: we freeze or we roast
Superstorms are eroding the coast
Weather Channel folks cheer
"Folks are tuning in here!
Our great ratings are reason to boast"

Football playoffs are finally set
NFL fans can now place their bet
Losing coaches are fired
And the winners admired
And the casualties aren't over yet

Despite ads that bombarded us all
Big retailers are crying "shortfall!"
There are dollars unspent!
Slacking shoppers: repent!
Off your asses, and off to the mall!

Freaked-out Kossacks cry "Obama sux!"
He'd sell out for a couple of bucks!
He's forgotten his vow!
He's a loser, and how!
We're all screwed like some poor sitting ducks!

Will we go off the cliff, as some hope?
Is this all just some more rope-a-dope?
While some here want to leap
Others say "what the [bleep]?!
Don't you realize some folks cannot cope?"

What does 2013 hold in store?
Economic collapse? Far-off war?
Just more gridlock and pain?
Things we just can't explain?
It's for certain: it won't be a bore!

Now it's your turn: please add to this list
Of the reasons this year won't be missed
And your hopes for next year
(And the things that you fear)
And the people who need to be dissed

Culture of Vultures! Absurdity Today: Episode 30

Fri, 07 Dec 2012 21:38:42 +0000

We are back with the latest episode of Absurdity Today, formerly The Ironic News Report, with the independent news parody series hosted by political satirist Julianna Forlano. In this episode we cover Hostess selling its assets, vulture capitalism's reign of terror against Americans, the creeping surveillance state, the Lincoln movie's ending, and the end of Aspergers Syndrome. All in 2 minutes flat. Enjoy!

US Government Shutting Down 'The Onion'

Mon, 17 Dec 2012 23:38:46 +0000

The Onion, a leading satirical publication branding itself as "America's Finest News Source," will soon be forced to cease and desist publication, in both print as well as Internet text and video. The newspaper, founded in 1988 by students at the University of Wisconsin, gained woldwide recognition as well as 7.5 million unique visitors to each month, the Chicago Tribune reported in 2011.  But it seems lawmakers aren't always amused, because the federal government is set to force the "news" outlet to close.

NHL lockout causing a surge of sex toy sales in Canada say retailers

Wed, 21 Nov 2012 04:41:33 +0000

Canadian hockey fans facing hard times due to the lockout of the National Hockey League are apparently turning to sex for consolation, say sex toy and lingerie retailers in Edmonton, who scored a 15% surge in sales in October. Matt Dykstra, of the Edmonton Sun reports More couples buying sex toys amid NHL lockout.  

“We’d be gearing up for (NHL hockey) now but there’s nothing so I guess we need to find some better ways to spend our time!” said Vinay Morker, owner of the Hush Lingerie and More boutique, while at Edmonton’s Taboo Naughty But Nice Sex Show Saturday.

Morker said his south Edmonton location saw a 15% jump in sales in October, and although the absence of Oilers action has been killing the longtime fan, it could also be the reason more couples have been browsing his wares at the show.

“When Oilers fans, mostly guys, have to break their routine of seeing every game, they have more time,” Morker said. “And there’s nothing better than spending it with your spouse or girlfriend.”

Morker said Hush’s main clientele is couples looking to “expand their horizons” and he’s seen a 15% jump in the sales of their sex toys, lingerie, games and sexual guides, like The Kama Sutra, since October.

Although, Hal Roseberg, owner of owner of the  Tease Adult Boutique in Edmonton,
says his sales swell each year at this time when the weather gets colder, saying “You see stuff here you’ll never see anywhere else.”

It remains to be seen if this trend will penetrate into other market regions in Canada, although I've heard many in Edmonton often say, "as goes Edmonton, so goes all of Canada."

It's great to hear that our Canadian friends from the North are rising to the occasion during this NHL crisis, and are coming together to explore new hobbies.

Bill O'Reilly says Jon Stewart is obtuse for thinking Obama voters are "traditional Americans"

Tue, 20 Nov 2012 20:39:55 +0000


The sparky "bromance" between Jon Stewart and Bill O'Reilly took another sharp and sizzling turn Monday as O'Reilly lashed out at Jon Stewart for being obtuse, working with pinheads, and failing to understand the perspective of real "traditional" Americans, reports Jeff Poor in O’Reilly fires back at ‘obtuse’ Stewart and his ‘pinhead’ writers: Obama voters aren’t ‘traditional’. Last Thursday, Stewart suggested that many of the "voter who re-elected President Obama hold “traditional” American policy views."  

“Here’s what I’m talking about, Mr. Obtuse: If you and your 17 writers would actually look at the exit polling, you will see that a coalition of voters put the president back into the Oval Office,” O’Reilly said. “That coalition was nontraditional, which means it veered away from things like traditional marriage, robust capitalism and self-reliance. Instead, each constituency that voted for the president, whether it be single women, Hispanic-Americans, African-Americans, whatever, [had] very specific reasons for doing [so]. What do you think was going on at the Democratic convention, when a variety of speakers put out a whole laundry list of things they want the government to provide? Did you miss that, Jon Stewart?” ...

“Traditional American voters generally want a smaller government in Washington — more local control, some oversight on abortion and believe in American exceptionalism,” he continued. “The majority of those who voted for President Obama want a large government that spends heavily on entitlements, because that reduces so-called income inequality. They want equality for gays in the marriage arena. They want unfettered abortion with no parental notification for minors. They want a one-world foreign policy they gives other nations equal status to America. Here’s a bullet at this point to those pinheads at Comedy Central: Those are not traditional positions. Are we clear about this?”

O'Reilly also objected to Stewart saying that he was "lamenting Mitt Romney's loss," saying that his show was a "no lamenting zone."

Special Dino-Extinction Alert Featuring McCainasaurus Getoffamylawnii!

Fri, 16 Nov 2012 18:33:45 +0000

With the ascension of Obamasaurus Rex to the White Cave, the Cretaceous countryside is littered with limbic brains as the pandemic of exploding GOPasaur heads continues. Across the craton, lumbering beasts slash and hiss and claw at the air, their beady little eyes afires, as they lash out at reality. Angry antidiluvian denizens call for the break-up of the subcontinent as the only viable response to the defeat of Brontosaurus romneii and the extinction of their entire way of life. Speculation abounds among the GOPasaurs: why? Why? WHY? did this happen? What went wrong? Their tiny brains melting in a Fourth-of-July-like neural fireworks show, they grasp at any straw, however absurd. "B. romneii wasn't really one of us. He was a flipfloppersaur. He wasn't a true Conservasaur. He wasn't aggressive. He was too cold blooded. Obamasaurus Rex is a magical Socialist Kenyanosaur who hypnotized the votersaurs with his mammalian gaze. Obamasaurus Rex handed out sparkly fossilized carbon trinkets to the all creatures of brownish coloration. Storms sweeping the continental margin diverted the attention from B. romneii's Mesozoic momentum. Canids ate our homework." Coprolites happen. It's time to move on. Unfortunately, a few craven Cretaceous critters who have somehow evaded the Reaper thusfar are not going down without a fight. Indeed, they have escalated their hyperventilating hostilities, vowing to take down Obamasaurus Rex and his evil minions and minionettes. Be afraid... be very... No, you know what? Screw that. Grab some paleo-popcorn and enjoy the show. McCainasaurus getoffamylawnii, who once loomed medium-sized large back in Jurassic times, now shuffles across the land, haranguing anyone insufficiently fleet of foot to escape with his venomous vocalizations. Repeating again and again "Benghazi! Benghazi! Benghazi" until his victims run, crawl, or slither out of earshot, M. getoffamylawnii is the paleo-poster child for Obamasauruscare, which will enable families to provide proper care of their failing elders. Followers of this series will recall that it was M. getoffamylawnii who brought us the vapid Griftasaurus palinii as a "game changing" selection for Veepasaur. The Reaper was already on high alert at that point in the proceedings, as M. getoffamylawnii was showing signs of dino-dementia. Now this faltering fossil, embittered by his fact that Obamasaurus Rex continues to kick his hindquarters has vowed to block the possible nomination of Ambassadosaurus susanriceii, prompting the always cool Obamasaurus Rex to reply: "bring it, fool!" Any paleo-pay-per-view match between these two will end in a nanosecond, with Obamasaurus Rex prevailing, but still the Old One blathers on. Joining him in a Jurassic retrospective roadtrip of regret is his long-time paleo-pal Meetthepressasaurus lindsaygrahamii. This creature's sole purpose in life appears to be repeating the pronouncements of M. getoffamylawnii, suggesting that they don't have a full limbic brain between them. Hailing from the Carolinian swamps, M. lindsaygrahamii is easily identifiable by his whiny intonations, suggesting that the weight of the craton rests on his shoulders, and that only his continued vigilance stands between his constituents and mass extinction. While there have been some signs of possible evolution in the curiously orange-colored Boehnersaurus lachrymosi[...]

Mesozoic Madness Trifecta! Still More Post-Election Extinctions!

Sat, 10 Nov 2012 17:21:11 +0000

As documented by our intrepid paleo-pundits in Part 1 and Part 2, the Grim Reaper has had a busy few days culling craven Cretaceous lifeforms from our midst in the Great Right-Wing Mass Extinctions. His task has been made all the more difficult by the petulant death-throes of his targets, who will not shuffle off this mortal coil without one last shock-and-awe outburst. No matter, though. The Reaper has all the time in the world, and he loves a good show. Let them thrash and slash and beg for more cash. It's all good. From Anorexasaurus coulterii to Bloviasaurus limbaughii, the Reaper has claimed them all, small or large. Even great wealth was no defense, as Trumpasaurus thedonaldii, Casinosaurus adelsonii, and even Brontosaurus romneii have succumbed at last to their well-deserved fates. Those who defied the reaper, like Venomasaurus allenwestii, will still be reduced to just their BTU value as they're flung, one after another, into the flaming volcano of truthiness. Those who raged against the females of the world like the witless Legitimasaurus toddakinii and the dour GiftfromGodasaurus mourdockii found that mother nature has a way of shutting down that whole thing. The Baggasaurs, having overreached the limits of their limbic brains, were left licking their wounds (or as some have said, implementing B. romneii's health care plan). Trying desperately to persuade Reaper to give him just a little more time to migrate to a subcontinent without extradition is the hapless PACasaurus karlroveii. Seriously, he'd be better off with the Reaper than facing the hordes of angry Donorsaurs who are just now realizing that they've been pawns in a paleo-Ponzi-scheme of epic proportions. P. karlroveii seems to have forgotten who hangs out at the Crossroads. Yeah, that's right: Satanasaurus. That dude is not interested in hearing any more whiny excuses. All in all, it's been a great couple of days to be a mammal, as "reptile dysfunction" has finally led to the dawning of a new day. There are still some pestilential pests who need to be culled, and the Reaper is doing his best to keep up with the heavy demands on his time and resources. Today we turn our attentions to some more Mesozoic misfits who have outlived whatever usefulness they might have had. The Kochasaurs (K. charlii and K. davidii), who found that not only can money not buy happiness, it can't buy elections either. While not extinct just yet, these two can only shun the Reaper for a while longer as reality seeps into their cash-filled underground bunker. In the end, it would have been cheaper (and more productive) if they'd simply paid their taxes and STFU, but that's not how the Onepercentasaurs operate. Their perversion of social Darwinism requires [gasp] massive wealth distribution, to them, as millions fall through the shredded safety net. No worries, they would say, poor people are a dime a dozen, literally! Witlessaurus reincepriebusii, having failed in every possible way that someone in his position could have failed, provided little resistence when the Reaper showed up at his door. Other than a few feeble excuses uttered in his final moments, the only mark that this witless Wisconsinasaur has left on the fossil record is... wait. It's here somewhere. Hang on. I'll find it in a second... B. romneii's demise dragged along the hydration-challen[...]

Mesozoic Madness Part "Duh": More Post-Election Extinction Updates!

Fri, 09 Nov 2012 15:44:00 +0000

As threatened promised in yesterday's Dino Extinction Update, our intrepid paleopundits have compiled another installment on the ongoing extinction of the hideous lifeforms who have been ravaging the landscape. Some have disappeared in silence, while others continue to thrash and roar in dino-denial, but they're all destined for the Tar Pits of Irrelevance, to the relief of the more highly-evolved lifeforms who will occupy their niche for the foreseeable future. Brontosaurus romneii never saw it coming. Staring at the night sky, wondering why that beautiful bright light kept getting bigger and bigger. Then suddenly it hit him. What the...?! He hadn't prevailed? How was this possible?! Having surrounded himself with sniveling "yes" men and toadies the best and brightest and callously ignoring heeding their Caucasasaurian counsel, the night was to have been his! He was the cream of the Cretaceous crop, the one whose ascendency was foretold in the White Eohippus Petroglyph. As graceless in defeat as he had been in presumed victory, B. romneii cast his minions out into the cold within nanoseconds of realizing that his reign of error was at an end. These hapless creatures had aligned themselves with a losing cause and now found themselves wandering the Go-Figure Desert, the cold winds of reality chilling them to the bone. Following B. romneii into the abyss were members of his vast dynastic clan, including the cold-blooded Dressageasaurus cruella, who had already set in motion plans to raze the White Cave and replace it with something more suited to her baseline expectations. Likewise, the five romnoid offspring were faced with the grim prospect of B. romneii lashing out at them in his eons of free time. As previously reported, the Grim Reaper is having a little difficulty with Venomasaurus allenwestii who refuses to go gentle into that good night. Fear not, however; the Reaper has seen this sort of Mesozoic meltdown before, and will let this dino-drama play out a little longer before finally tossing this miscreant into the volcano. Meanwhile, Behemasaurus christii, reviled by many of his fellow Caucasasaurs for palling around with Obamasaurus Rex, continues attending to the task at hand: assisting his displaced constituents in storm-ravaged Shores of Jersey. These compassionate behaviors have enraged many GOPasaurs and delighted Left-leaning creatures; a paleo-two-fer. Those who cross B. christii do so at their peril, as this Jerseysaur is no stranger to paleo-payback. Extinction cannot come swifly enough for Trumpasaurus thedonaldii, whose 15 eons of fame are soooo over. King of the Birthersaurs and all-around paleo-pain-in-the-ass, this Mesozoic menace was suffering a particularly virulent strain of dino-denial on election night, vocalizing his impotent rage in increasingly incoherent "tweets". His attempts to trick Obamasaurus Rex into releasing now-irrelevant records in exchange for a massive "gift" to charity went unheeded, as tens of thousands of citizens in his very own drainage basin suffered the ravages of back-to-back storms. The apocalypse has arrived for paleo-pundits like the hyperventilating Glenbeckasaurus loonii, Fauxasaurus billoreillii, Anorexasaurus coulterii, and Bloviasaurus limbaughii. As a new day dawns, and the craton has not fractured up into a mill[...]

Mesozoic Madness! Massive Post-Election Dinosaur Extinction Underway!

Thu, 08 Nov 2012 16:01:28 +0000

Paleontologists have long debated whether the dinosaurs became extinct in a sudden meteor-impact-like bang, or a stumbling, bumbling, drawn-out whimper. Recent findings show that it was a thrashing, slashing, whining Cretaceous circular firing squad, with dino-on-dino violence unprecedented in the animal kingdom. With the "gee, who could have seen this coming" extinction of Brontosaurus romneii, life as these creatures knew it has come to an end, but they're not going down without a fight. Claws drenched in each others' blood, these deluded antediluvian behemoths continue to savage each other with their last breath as stunned onlookers are overcome with mixed emotions: shock and schadenfreude. The Grim Reaper, aggrieved at being put out of a job, has filed for unemployment benefits. For it was not a literal meteor that destroyed these craven creatures' world; it was the metaphoric meteor of truthiness finally breaking through their reality-hardened bunker, letting in the bright light of demographic change. Where once pale-skinned male Caucasasaurs ruled the world, unquestioned, a quick glance around the landscape reveals a rich panoply of diversity. Mesozoic minorities have risen in unison to reclaim their world, leaving the Caucasosaurs dazed and confused and turning to their only option in times of crisis: blamestorming. PACasaurus karlroveii has witlessly stumbled to the head of the extinction line for having shaken down his fellow Conservasaurs, separating them from millions of dollars by feeding them a continuous diet of disinformation on the prospects of B. romneii and other GOPasaur candidates. It's not nice to fool mother nature, but she's a sweetheart compared to the wronged dino-donors who are just now realizing the depth of their losses and the horrors of the new world order. P. karlroveii was last seen seeking extradition to Gondwanaland. Bloviasaurus limbaughii: Oxycontin sales are one of the few bright spots in the saurian stock market this morning as this bombastic behemoth continues to spew his venom. Epitomizing the plight of the large sedentary Caucasiasaur males who see their world shrinking to the size where it can be drowned in a water-filled brontosaur footprint, B. limbaughii has doubled down on the hate and sarcasm, vowing to fight to keep reality at bay as long as possible. Speaking of doubling down, Casinosaurus adelsonii literally bet the farm on his slate of failed GOPasaurs. In an epic case of moron's remorse, the fossilized mogul is kvetching in his well-appointed cave that he and the other deep-pocket dino-donors were misled and taken advantage of in their doddering dotage. Retro-twins GiftfromGodasaurus mourdockii and Legitimasaurus toddakinii were both consigned to footnote status in the fossil record, proving that it's not nice to fool with mother nature or any other mother, or any female, or - really - any sentient being. Aging Caucasiasaur males made an extinction-invoking move in aligning themselves with these two tar-pit dwellers. Other losers in the paleo-proceedings include Deadbeatasaurus joewalshii, showing that turning one's back on one's offspring is never in season. The fossil evidence confirms - sadly - that Caucasasaurs of this genus, while obsessed with the care of zygotes, can be really cold-blo[...]

Tragic Finding Crushes Dinosaur Cloning Dreams - Half-Life of DNA Molecular Bonds Only 521 Years!

Sun, 14 Oct 2012 23:47:18 +0000

The hearts of paleontologists around the world sank, this week, as Morten Allentoft at the University of Copenhagen and Michael Bunce at Murdoch University in Perth, Australia, reported the tragic finding that DNA Half-Life Measured, Suggests 'Jurassic Park' Dinosaur Scenario Would Never Work, crushing dreams that dinosaurs could be cloned from DNA preserved in amber, fossils, or some other medium.

According to a study published Oct. 10 in "Proceedings of the Royal Society B," the natural degradation of DNA suggests our dinosaur-cloning fantasies will never become reality. As it turns out, the so-called half-life of DNA--the span of time it takes for half of the molecular bonds in the genetic material to break--is just 521 years. This means that even under ideal conditions, DNA wouldn't be "readable" after 1.5 million years, according to

The youngest dinosaur fossils ever found are about 65 million years old.

For the study, Morten Allentoft at the University of Copenhagen and Michael Bunce at Murdoch University in Perth, Australia, analyzed 158 leg bones of extinct birds called moa. The bones all dated between 600 and 8,000 years of age. The results collected from each bone were averaged to arrive at the 521-year figure.

While the results of this study painted a clear picture of the degradation of DNA, according to Wired UK, they do not necessarily mean that the breakdown couldn't potentially be slowed in other conditions. But resurrecting dinosaurs using DNA pulled from mosquitos trapped in amber--the "Jurassic Park" scenario--is more than unlikely.

As sad as this news is, I would encourage readers not to give up all hope, or do anything extreme in despair, as it seems plausible to me, that even if we are not able to recover intact DNA fragments, due to their breakdown, can we not imagine a possibility that we could still gain sufficient clues as to the nature of the genetic sequences from residual chemicals still locked into sequence in fossils, after the original molecular bonds have disintegrated, that sometime in the future, with more advances in cloning technology, scientists may be able to reconstruct DNA that replicate dinosaur like creatures, or other extinct species, such as the woolly mammoths?  

Keeping hope alive!


Fantastic News For Kossacks - Reading Is Good For Your Brain! Longer Hounddog Posts Maybe Doubly So

Mon, 17 Sep 2012 03:05:17 +0000


Breaking News! Reading is good for your brain, increasing blood flow and bathing your brain in nutrients, oxygen, and others things believed to promote higher cognitive-emotional processing. In Why Reading Is Good For Your Brain, we learn scientists have been researching the question of "what is black and white and read all over?" They have discovered that books, and the invention of written language may turn out to have been positive advances for the human species, after all, despite much previous anecdotal evidence to the contrary.  

To quantify the claim that school teachers have been making for centuries, a group of Stanford neurobiologists, led by literary scholar Natalie Phillips, examined blood flow in the brains of subjects who were instructed to read passages from Jane Austen's "Mansfield Park" while inside MRI machines.

The findings were unexpected: Subjects were asked to read leisurely at first, and then to make a shift towards more critical reading. In both instances, Philips noticed an increase in blood flow that exceeded "just work and play." In the case of more critical reading--the type you'd engage in while writing an essay or preparing for a test--blood flow increased beyond executive function regions, or those areas responsible for problem-solving. ...

In spite of these findings, Philips warned against "historical nostalgia, or assuming those of the 18th century were less distracted than we are today." She asserts that Enlightenment-era writers (her area of expertise) were just as concerned about withering attention spans as we are today.

Yes, ever since the invention of electricity, motorized mechanical devices, mini-skirts, and the discovery of radio waves scholars have fretted about how these distractions, and the infernal devices and activities enabled by them, were going to lead to the decline of western civilization. And, they seem to have been correct, for the most part.

But, now scientist have also discovered that "video games have been proven to be good for your brain, too!" So technology, and progress may turn out to be a net-plus after all.  

Top 10 Celebrity Guidelines For 'Safer' Convention Fun and Avoiding Awkward Media Moments

Sun, 02 Sep 2012 21:05:21 +0000

As I hope most of you know, I like having fun just as much as the next fellow, and I certainly don't want to put a wet-blanket on any of the traditional good ole fashion American fun that goes on at political conventions.  Never-the-less, given these modern times with hidden cameras, story hungry reporters, and millions of potential witnesses I'd like to share my own  " Top Ten Celebrity and Delegate Guidelines for 'Safer Convention Fun," learned by much experience and many awkward media moments over my lifetime.

1) If your are blind drunk, don't go skinny dipping at Holy Sites, or Town Fountains.

2) When visiting the local strip clubs, don't use party, or corporate credit cards, use cash.

3) Politely decline invitations for sleep - overs from anyone with names like Candy, Big Jake, Kali, Bouncy Bruce, Misery, or The Slammer.

4) Avoid group pie fights before your big convention speech, especially with the "staining" berry pies. No one wants to look like John Boehner with the new HDTV.

5) Tip well, or say you're a Republican reporter from RedState.  

Fun Eisenhower Quote About Stupid People Who Attempt To Abolish Social Security and Social Programs

Fri, 24 Aug 2012 23:41:49 +0000


Here's a fun photo one of my brothers sent me that is making the rounds on the tubz. I've tried googling these "Ohio Democrats" listed in the corner but don't find anything.  In case the photo is hard to read due to enlarging a low resolution image, here's the quote in writing.

Should any political party attempt to abolish social, security, unemployment insurance, and eliminate labor law and farm programs, you would not hear of that party again in our political history. There is a tiny splinter group, of course, that believes you can do these things.  Among them are Texas oil millionaires, and an occasional politician or business man and they are stupid!"  Dwight Eisenhower, November 8, 1954.
What prescience to list among the goofballs, "Texas Oil Millionaires."  When reality is so much wittier than satire, what more can I say? I invite folks to use the comments as an open thread on any topic related to the real world, or humor.

P.S. As this is almost too good to be true, and I figured it would have surfaced in the Bush years if true, I looked it up to make sure it's real.  Here's a link to the Eisenhower Presidential Papers

Brewing Interest in Obama's Home Brew Comes to a Head - FOIA Filed - A Baracktober Fest Surprise?

Thu, 23 Aug 2012 22:54:43 +0000

President Obama's well known love of beer, especially his own White House home brew, has led to the filing of a petition on the White House website for the President to release the recipe, and now a Freedom of Information Act filing. ABC News reports:


The honey ale – brewed from honey from the White House beehive – first came to light when President Obama served it to his guests  at the White House during the 2011 Super Bowl, and then again on St. Patrick’s Day. Most recently, it became known that the president carries the beer with him on the campaign trail, where he offered a bottle to a potential voter in Iowa.

The FOIA, posted on Redditt by its submitter, argues that the recipe for the brew should be released for greater “public understanding of the operations or activities of the government,” but in a bolder move, adds, “”If you could send me a copy autographed by the president, you’d be the coolest FOIA officer in the whole federal government.”

Beer enthusiasts also started an online petition at the White House’s official “We the People” website, writing, “In keeping with the brewing traditions of the founding fathers, homebrewers across America call on the Obama administration to release the recipe for the White House home brew so that it may be enjoyed by all.”

The President is known to brew three flavors of beer, honey ale, honey blond, and porter, all from Michelle Obama's beehive.  The HoundDog is now wondering if we may be in store for a Baracktober Fest Surprise.   More below.

Dick Cheney Endorsed Gay Marriage in 2009

Thu, 10 May 2012 13:48:04 +0000

It is sad to watch everyone jump for joy over the Presiden't's eventual realization that gay couples should have the same rights as everyone else.

He didn't take this stance until now. Meanwhile the dark lord, the arch criminal Dick Cheney did 4 years ago.

Politics in this country is nothing more than team fandom.

Jump for joy, but don't make this into something it is not. The President is a political opportunist and you have been played. Yeah yeah yeah he's got my vote.

But don't lie to yourself. Obama is four years behind Cheney on this issue. Explain that.

Governor Romney Proposes Outsourcing Democracy to a Secret Counsel Meeting in a Quite, Private Room

Sat, 11 Aug 2012 21:53:23 +0000


Boston, MA (Hydrant) - Governor Mitt Romney has proposed a new plan to improve government by outsourcing democracy to a secret counsel that would meet in a quite, private room at the Marriott Hotel, which he would run as sole shareholder, CEO, President, and Chairmen of the Board, according to highly placed confidential sources.

Concerned that voters are getting confused by the complex and controversial nature of his many difficult personal and political issues, Romney proposes re-engineering our basic political and governmental processes to eliminate inefficient and discouraging distractions such as having to defend his policies, or record to reporters, on topics such as personal taxes, his experience at Bain, his tenure at the Olympics, and while Governor of Massachusetts, his vast undisclosed international financial holdings, or his policies and positions on the budget, foreign policies, domestic policies, Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, defense, or any other controversial issues.

Also, to reduce duplication, and distracting questions at press conference, Romney's plan would redesign, our media systems, for maximum efficiency.  Romney would select one reporter who would act as a "media pool" to receive press releases and then foward them to media organizations.  This streamlining would allow media organizations to reduce costs for excess and duplicative journalists.  

Veepasaurs! Who Will Survive; Who's Teetering On The Brink Of Extinction?

Tue, 07 Aug 2012 19:01:44 +0000

Since we're apparently still faced with the dispiriting prospect of Brontosaurus romneii fumbling, stumbling, and bumbling his way to the GOP nomination, let's turn our attention to the vast (or "half-vast") field of veepasaur contenders. Rumors continue to emerge from the Tar Pits that our collective curiosity will soon be satisfied with a running mate announcement, if only as a temporary smokescreen to take attention away from the ongoing rope-a-dino-dope pummeling that our presumptuous presumptive nominee is suffering at the hands of Nevadasaurus harryreidii. Spectulation abounds on Robasaurus portmanii, if only because his Paleo-Pedia page has been purged of all sorts of forensics-worthy fossil evidence. Hailing from the former inland seas of Ohio, R. portmanii came to the attention of paleo-politicians as budget director for witless Texasaur Georgeasaurus bushii "W". Given B. romneii's penchant for paleoreconstruction, and the whispered advice of Cheneysaurus dickii, this pick seems as obvious as an approaching meteorite. Ayottesaurus kellii, hailing from the [take it for] Granite State brings little to the ticket, given B. romneii's affiliation (deleted e-mails notwithstanding] with the neighboring Bay State. True, A. kellii's a female, and sufficiently loyal and deferential so as not to elicit a jealous backlash from Dressageasaurus annii, but beyond that, one wonders what this pick would signal in GOPasaur ranks. Behemasaurus christii has been surprisingly quiet of late, suggesting to some that he's working on a rousing acceptance speech that will eclipse his "absolutely-not-no-way-don't-ask-me-again" speech that crushed the hopes of Jerseysaurs everywhere. Hailing from the greasy shores of the Garden State, B. christii is clearly a survivor, although even the most primitive reptilian instincts are likely telling him to run, walk, or trudge away as fast as he can rather than aligning himself with soul-less cyborg B. romneii. Louisianasaurus jindalii brings some Gulf Coast street cred to the ticket, that, along with his brownish coloration might fool some votersaurs into believing that those "boring white guy" rumours were just a diversionary tactic. As a governor, L. jinalii also shares B. romneii's image as an "outsidersaur" to the miasmic swamps of Washington. Pawlentasaurus timmii, fallen from the ranks of paleocontenders for the top spot on the ticket, offers an amiable blandness and humanity to offset B. romneii's Freon-in-his-veins coldbloodedness. Unlikely to make waves or be found ensnarled in scandal, the inoffensive P. timmii meets the "boring white guy" threshhold criterion, but offers little in the way of "spark" to the campaign. Carolinasaurus nikkihaleii, another female GOPasaur, hails from the South, a region likely even more suspicious of B. romneii's motives than other parts of the continent. C. nikkihaleii's conservative stances on social issues have helped to overcome her personal paleopeccadillos which might have made her an unlikely choice for a spot on the ticket. Latinasaurus martinez would hit the[...]

Dino-Extinction Update: OMG! They're Still Roaming The Earth!

Wed, 01 Aug 2012 17:39:28 +0000

It's been a while since we checked in with our creepy Cretaceous critters. I'm sorry to report that they're still roaming the Earth, causing no end of problems.                                                  These GOPasaurs aren't totally worthless; they have some fossil fuel value Griftasaurus palinii, the paleontological gift that keeps on giving, has taken on Dickasaurus cheneyii in a Mesozoic mixed-martial-arts bout that promises massive paleo-per-view revenues. G. palinii's continuing quest for relevance has taken her to the Permian Basin, where she endorsed Baggasaur candidate for the the US Senate, Conservasaurus tedcruzii, who -to the dismay of Progressive Texasaurs, prevailed in his runoff election yesterday. C. tedcruzii beat out Moderasaurus dewhurstii, long-time right-paw man of our own Gaffasaurus perrii. You'd think that years of serving in the shadow of G. perrii would entitle M. dewhurstii to some sort of recognition, but even that (and his own megamillions in personal donations to his campaign) could not overcome the red-in-tooth-and-claw appeal of C. tedcruzii to the Baggasaur faithful, who yearn to live off their Social Security and Medicare benefits without the intrusion of the Federal governosaurs. G. perrii, meanwhile, is keeping a mercifully low profile, having expended what little political capital he had left supporting M. dewhurstii. Speculation abounds on G. perrii's next move. Will he run yet again in 2014? Will excavations of his closets at the newly renovated Governor's Cave finally bring to light the skeletons that abound? Meanwhile, the shrieky Archeopteryx bachmanii has been flapping around wildly, warning of Islamasaurus infiltration, her witless vocalizations finally causing many GOPasaurs to petition for taxonomic reclassification if only to escape this paleo-harpy's increasingly bizarre behavior. In other Texasaur news, Libertariasaurus paulii is hard at work, planning for the upcoming Tussle in the Tampa Tar Pits. This wily septuagenariasaur should not be written off as extinct; far from it. Expect some paleo-electoral shenanigans to spark a bench-clearing brawl, just one more headache for the campaign weary... Brontosaurus romneii, fresh from his Continental Drift tour, fending off velociraptors nipping at his heels, daring to ask questions of the Large One. Imagine! Having to stoop so low as to interact with other saurids?! The indignity! Things have not been going well for B. romneii. His vast wealth and many finely-furnished caves (with stone wheel elevators) cannot shield him from continuing calls for transparency. What, we wonder, has this shady creature been doing with his financial dealings? Why will he not simply allow the light to shine into the Cave of Bain? What is he hiding in the treasure trove of taxation? Why can't he make a single truthful vocalization on any subject? Once content to roam North America, B. Romneii's territ[...]

Valuable Travel Advice From Famous People That Will Go Unheeded By Mitt

Mon, 23 Jul 2012 21:16:13 +0000

With Mitt about to embark on an international gaffe-a-thon for the next six days, it's only fitting that he consider the advice of those who've gone before, and whose perspective could spare him many unnecessarily stressful moments. To this end, we've assembled some advice from Those Who Know Whereof They Speak, recognizing that Mitt will likely ignore their advice, just as he's ignored the advice of his wife, his sons, his campaign managers, his business associates, his teachers, his mentors, and pretty much everyone he's come into contact with over the years. Admittedly, Mitt won't be traveling in steerage, so we've left out any advice related to mingling with the Great Unwashed Masses. Likewise, he won't have to deal with airline food, water-borne disease, substandard accommodations, or any of the other travails that the rest of us face in budget-constrained travel. With all of his wealth, Mitt can only compress the time frame of trans-Atlantic flight by so much, so he'll need to have something to occupy his time. Oscar Wilde suggests the following: "I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train." Mitt's own diary would make for pretty bland reading; fine if you're battling insomnia, but otherwise, it's best to spring for the Cliff's Notes version. He's really not a memoir kind of guy. That should surprise nobody, since he can't seem to remember much, and somehow, it all keeps changing. It's sort of a "work in progress", without the progress. Then again, while he's jet-setting around, he can avail himself of this useful insight from Rudolf Erich Raspe: "A traveler has the right to relate and embellish his adventures as he pleases, and it is very impolite to refuse that deference and applause they deserve." Come to think of it, this advice seems tailor made for other Etch-a-Sketch moments back home. Mitt liked this a lot, and ordered one of his minions to bookmark it! Speaking of being unable to separate reality from fiction from reinvention, Mitt should pay heed to the words of Samuel Johnson: "The use of traveling is to regulate imagination by reality, and instead of thinking how things may be, to see them as they are." There are those who accuse Mitt of living in his own world. After all, as Ann has so graciously pointed out, they "have their own places" to vacation where all the sheets and towels are nice and clean and starched and creased the way Mitt likes them. There's also no risk of having to dine with strangers or other riff-raff. If he would consider traveling beyond his car-elevator-equipped mansions, Mitt might find out that, as Eudora Welty noted: "Through travel I first became aware of the outside world; it was through travel that I found my own introspective way into becoming part of it." Somewhere along the line, the issue of money is bound to come up with Mitt, and this cogent observation by Letitia Baldridge would no doubt warm whatever passes for his heart: "There is no substitute for the riches gained[...]

Schrödinger's cat Says Mitt Romney did not inhale during his non-relationship with the Bain entity

Sat, 14 Jul 2012 22:18:39 +0000

(Alert: This post contains material that might appear to be snark-like to those who lack an appreciation of the subtleties of Mitt Romney's capacity for non-linear, quantum truth, and ability to transport between alternative imaginary realities.)

(Hydrant) - Presidential candidate Mitt Romney's campaign released a clarification to what has become known as the Romney Paradox - the simultaneous assertion that he both did, and did not, have an ongoing relationship with the "Bain entity" after February of 1999, despite his signature on SEC filings, and sworn testimony under oath in June 2002,  that he was its founder, sole stockholder, CEO, president, and received executive compensation "over $100,000" during the controversial period.

"I did not have a non-linear relationship with that corporation, the Bain entity," says Mitt Romney, in frustration.  "And, even if I had, which I didn't, I would not have inhaled," as Romney sought to dispel any remaining public confusion. "It depends on the what the definition of truth is."
According to an anonymous, highly placed advisor to the Romney campaign, "many who are having difficulty understanding the Romney Paradox and Romney's unique relationship to quantum truthiness might gain insight from both, science fiction, and the story of Schrödinger cat, used to explain a similar paradox of perception in quantum mechanics.


Dino-Evolution Update: How Cold-Blooded Were These GOPasaurs?

Wed, 27 Jun 2012 21:23:17 +0000

From BBC Science News comes news that dinosaurs, long assumed to be cold-blooded like their modern reptilian kin, could in fact have been warm-blooded.

One of the strongest lines of evidence that dinosaurs were cold-blooded, like modern reptiles, has been knocked down.

Prior studies of dinosaur bones uncovered what are known as "lines of arrested growth".

The creatures were presumed to be cold-blooded because modern cold-blooded animals show these same lines.

But scientists reporting in Nature have studied the bones of 41 modern mammal species from around the world, finding every one had these lines as well.

A number of discoveries in recent years have challenged the 40-year-old notion that dinosaurs were cold-blooded.

There's plenty more at the link, but you had me at "lines of arrested growth". Change that to "lines of arrested development" and you've nailed the description of our much-chronicled GOPasaurs.

Those of you who've followed my dino-diaries know that these creepy Cretaceous critters have long exceeed their reasonable time on this planet, evading time and time again the sycthe of the Grim Reaper of politics.

Darwin must be spinning in his grave at the thought that Brontosaurus romneii has emerged at the top of the heap after other GOPasaurs and Baggasaurs fell by the wayside. Who could forget the fossil follies of:

Archeopteryx bachmannii, with that shrieky voice, the bright facial coloration and plumage (courtesy of her mate, the curious Marcasaurus?

Or Gropasaurus hermanii, purveyor of flat baked feedstock items, his trademark "9-9-9" cry echoing across the land.

Or Gaffasaurus perrii, who proved that  even during Mesozoic times, mixing pain meds and red wine was not a winning solution.

Or Cerebrasaurus huntsmanii, clearly too smart and too highly evolved to qualify as any sort of reptile.

Last and indeed least by some systems of reckoning, Struthiomimus santorum, whose sweater-vested exterior suggest a very cold-blooded mode of operation indeed.

Libertatiasaurus paulii still roams the Earth, hoping to inflict a mortal wound on B. romneii, but the big money (and we do mean big money) is on the flip-flopping, prevaricating B. romneii in this dino-death-match.

Disillusioned Baggasaurs, dismayed with their choice, dream of a return from well-deserved oblivion by the colorful and witless Griftasaurus palinii. Stranger things have hapened, but none of them have been good.

Follow along below the coprolite for more...

Dino-Extinction Paleo-Retrospective: Don't You Miss These Crazy Cretaceous Critters? I Know I Do!

Wed, 20 Jun 2012 20:23:03 +0000

It’s been a while since I wrote a dino-extinction diary. During the primary season, we witnessed the untimely (too late, rather than too soon, in this case) extinction of a number of GOPasaurs who strutted their stuff upon the stage but, like their reptilian forebears, were soon found to be full of sound and fury and other stuff that didn’t prove helpful. Now, as Brontosaurus romneii and his cold-blooded mate Dressageasaurus cruella roam the countryside, empowered by a new sense of inevitability, who among us doesn’t secretly long for a return of the colorful Archeopteryx bachmannii and her mate, the curious Marcasaurus? Or the folksy and pharmacologically-challenged Gaffasaurus perrii, that fumbling, stumbling Texasaur who showed us that extinction is only as far away as that next glass of red wine and a handful of pain meds. Who could forget Struthiomimus santorum, whose scaly hide turned every shade of red when he encountered creatures who didn’t adhere to his Triassic ideas of sexual repression and religious dogma? His noisome and noxious vocalizations, once trumpeted across the land, have been reduced to a whimper. We could probably overlook Cerebrasaurus huntsmanii, as mounting evidence confirms what we have long suspected: no creature this intelligent, well-spoken, and diplomatic could possibly belong to the GOPasauria genus. If you imagined B. romneii with mad skills in international diplomacy, great grasp of macroeconomics and trade, and a human family, this is what you might picture. You'd be wrong. Stegasaurus newtii, with his uber-botoxed mate, Callistasaurus tiffanii… how they have fallen from their lofty heights now that their funding from Casinasaurus adelsonii has evaporated like a vernal pool in the summer sun. Reduced to occasional sound bites and visits to zoos, these once-powerful creatures have - unbeknownst to them - come to embody all that is good and great about extinction. Still among us (although in stealth mode as he approaches the fetid swamps of Tampa) is Libertariasaurus paulii who, with some L.paulii notnamedforaynrandii, has been spending his time campaigning for other GOPasaurs within and beyond the Permian Basin. Gropasaurus hermanii, plucked from our midst at the height of popularity, just because 999 of his closest female associates clawed back when he made the mistake of pursuing them. No other GOPasaur ignited the hopes of the Baggasaurs, who were willing to overlook his dark coloration in exchange for his melifluous sound bites. Last and most definitely least, we pay tribute to the flirtatious Griftasaurus palinii who, while never officially "in" the race, was assuredly there in spirit, taunting her witless Baggasaur followers with the prospect of a presidential or vice-presidential return to her paleo-glory days. Ever able to evolve, this creature eluded the Mesozoic Grim Reaper on more than one occasion. Indeed, it is only those with whom G. pal[...]

Schadenfreude… Without the “Schaden”: Robo-Mitt Jubilant Over Latest Jobs Report!

Fri, 01 Jun 2012 16:02:35 +0000

Pandemonium erupted at Romney campaign headquarters as this morning’s Labor Department report revealed that:

employers added a paltry 69,000 jobs to their payrolls last month, the fewest since May last year, is also troubling news for President Barack Obama ahead of November's elections.

The unemployment rate rose to 8.2 percent from 8.1 percent partly because people flocked into the labor market.

The usually awkward and perennially socially challenged Robo-Mitt was seen dancing with wild abandon to the actual beat of “Happy Days Are Here Again” as stunned campaign staffers looked on.

At first, Secret Service agents suspected a software malfunction, which had explained Robo-Mitt's previous proto-human episodes. Tech Support was called in to run diagnostics, but no apparent excursions from design parameters were noted beyond an elevated heart rate and borderline-high levels of cyber-endorphins coursing through his plumbing.

Fearing that he might injure himself or others, worried office staffers moved furniture and computers out of the way. Taking advantage of this enlarged dance floor, Robo-Mitt showed off his humanoid dance moves, this time to Steely Dan's "Black Friday".  The music was apparently emanating from an audio port in Robo-Mitt's creased denim exoskeletal matrix, and was growing louder as his dance grew more frenetic.

In a frightening lurch, Robo-Mitt jumped on top of one of the desks, Secret Service agents leaping with him to ensure that he didn't fall and damage the recently-installed Nominee 2.0 hardware upgrades.

Grab your barf bag and follow along below the gaping hole in the safety net for the rest of the story...

Mitt's Very-Bad-and-Getting-Worse-Before-It-Gets-Better Week: A Limerick Salute

Wed, 02 May 2012 14:05:39 +0000

Things just won't fall into place for the presumptuous and presumptive nominee. Hell-hounds on his trail seek vengeance for the maltreatment of fellow canid, Seamus, and Mitt's living in a constant state of dread. Karma works pretty well, don't you think?

To commemorate this Very Bad Week, here is a quick summary in limerick form of the Mittonian Mis-Steps of the past few days. As always, you are welcome to add your own poetical contributions in the comments, or to point out things I've missed that warrant an additional limerick or two.

As Bin Laden’s remembered this week
As Obama’s achievement – the peak
As Commander-in-Chief
Mittens screams “Oh, good grief!
All he did was apply my technique!!”

In Afghanistan, President O   
Met with Karzai, as you all now know
Gave the troops a fine speech
Mitt cries “Hey! Over-reach!
It’s unseemly that he got to go”

Giuliani and Mitt spent the day
Giving dozens of pizzas away
As their generous gift
(Or just crass PR grift)
Bragging how they’d keep terror at bay

Chinese dissident Chen Guangchen’s out
Of our embassy, now there’s no doubt
He’ll get hospital care
With his kids and wife there
Mitt should not have been mucking about.

Rick Santorum has still not endorsed
And perhaps he will not, unless forced
Neither Gingrich nor Paul
Have conceded at all
It’s one task that just can’t be outsourced.

Mitt did not even RSVP
For the Lone Star State’s June GOP
State convention; but Rick
Sent his back oh, so quick
To hang out with the Party of Tea.

Things have really not ended too well
For new Romney aide, Richard Grenell
Snarky Tweets? That’s okay
But for Pete’s sake: he’s GAY!
How’d he ever get past personnel??

Now that GM can proudly proclaim
That their profits are up; there's no shame
As Mitt lies to our face
"This is just one more case
Where the brilliant design bears my name"

"Start a business! Just look at my son!
With ten million, just look what he's done!
Ask your folks for a loan
Start a firm of your own
You'll find out: firing people is fun!"

Now it's YOUR turn: what have we left out?
Are there other faux pas we can tout?
Leave a comment or two
I'll see what I can do
To exacerbate Mitt's sense of doubt!

Updated! Dinosaur Extinction News: Stegosaurus Newtii "Suspending" Campaign, Just Not Yet...

Wed, 25 Apr 2012 01:53:11 +0000


                Stegosaurus Newtii: Next Stop - the Fossil Record, but first, North Carolina...

Word has reached us from the Delawarian plain that Stegosaurus newtii, once self-proclaimed as the inevitable GOPasaur nominee, may finally be realizing what voters, opponents, ex-wives, and pundits have known for eons: it's pretty much over. Hoping to extend his campaign to every physiographic province, culminating in a dino-on-dino melee in the miasmic swamps of Tampa, the wounded S. newtii instead lumbers on to North Carolina, delaying the inevitable, and annoying Tarheels.

Left with nothing in his treasure cave but a stash of glittery fossilized carbon trinkets, this sometime Cretaceous contender leaves in his wake throngs of unpaid vendors, caterers, suppliers, business associates, publishers, and other lifeforms who foolishly imagined that this two-faced creature's word was his bond.

By his side (as always) was his disturbingly implacable mate, Callistasaurus tiffanii, whose White Cave ambitions may have to yield to the distressing reality of S. newtii with a whole lot more free time and a really bad attitude. Undaunted by her mate's appalling primary results, C. tiffanii maintained her trademark smile (or perhaps, given the Botox injections, she was livid; hard to tell) and perfect coiffure.

Speculation has arisen that this third-time-is-a-charm consort of the oft-mated S. newtii was the power behind the campaign. Early campaign missteps (taking a Greek cruise the week of the campaign launch - seriously?), absences from the campaign trail (for book readings and French horn performances?) and rapid turnover of campaign staff have been laid at the elegantly pedicured feet of C. tiffanii. Unfair? Perhaps. But you know that S. newtii is not one to absolve others of the blame for his own failings.

Follow along below the coprolite for more...


Sun, 15 Apr 2012 16:00:03 +0000

[a reprint of a classic diary for this anniversary date]

Calls for the removal of Captain Barack Obama grew today, lead by papers controlled by William Randolph Hearst, after repeated reports of the many missteps he took in guiding the maiden voyage of the RMS Titanic from Southampton to New York.

The world's largest ocean liner arrived a full three days later than the anticipated record-breaking cruise the designers and owners of the White Star-line-owned ship had promised, making it only an average crossing time of the North Atlantic.

Among Captain Obama's many scandalous missteps include leaving port a day late to wait for extra lifeboats, slowing the ship to half-speed due to an alleged ice berg threat, and subjecting the first class passengers of the ship to repeated life boat drills in the slightly chilly April weather. More on this nautical disaster on the flip side.

From Far-Right Front-Runner to Fossil Fuel: Struthiomimus Santorum Extinction Update

Tue, 10 Apr 2012 21:49:50 +0000


Unable to deny the petroglyphs on the wall, Struthiomimus Santorum, considered by some to be the only true challenger to Brontosaurus Romneii, has "suspended" his quest for the paleo-presidency.

In a speech set in the Pennsylvanian hills of his ancestors, S. santorum today took the first of many steps from Right-wing hero to the fossil fuel of tomorrow. Now at least, when history records his campaign, he can at least be credited with adding some BTU value to the proceedings.

Facing almost certain extinction in his home-state primary, this pre-emptive move allows S. santorum to avoid the "loser" tag while regrouping/mutating for a possible return to the political scene.

As expected, the socially-challenged B. romneii waited a mere nanosecond after the announcement to shake down S. santorum for an endorsement. To his credit, S. santorum refused to capitulate, no doubt infuriating the presumptive and presumptuous nominee, who simply cannot command the respect of anyone other than his paid lackeys, and even they have their doubts.

Well, as we say in the Cretaceous, "tough coprolites". Speaking of which, follow along below the orange coprolite for more...

Post-Primary Dino-Extinction Update: Brontosaurus Romneii, Stumbling (Yawn...) Towards Inevitability

Wed, 04 Apr 2012 13:19:30 +0000


Protestations from Struthiomimus Santorum notwithstanding, last night's primary results from Wisconsin, Maryland, and the District of Cretaceousness suggest that, like it or not, the uber-tedious Brontosaurus Romneii may indeed be the de facto GOPasaur nominee.

Low voter turnout suggests that GOPasaurs in general face long odds, as their roster of contenders offers little in the way of inspiration. Brontosaurus romneii has expended millions, or maybe billions - who knows - in his slow slog towards inevitability.

His inability to relate not only to the voters but to lifeforms of any sort would have relegated anyone else to the fossil record long ago. Indeed, his mate Equusaurus romneii has managed to further erode B. romneii's human street cred with her unhelpful pronouncements on the challenges of life in the 1% of the 1%. Still, in these days of saurian SuperPACs and unlimited funding, we will indeed have B. romneii to kick around for quite a while longer.

Follow along below the coprolite for more...

Dino Extinction Death Watch: Stegasaurus Newtii Heads for the Tar Pits of Irrelevance

Thu, 29 Mar 2012 19:50:45 +0000

                Now that Casinosaurus adelsonii has cut off Stegasaurus newtii’s behemoth line of credit and pronounced that his former political darling is now “at the end of his line”, it’s time to face the Mesozoic music: extinction is now a matter of “when”, not “if”, for this bloviating beast. Just as one always realizes too late that they should have kicked out their free-loading brother-in-law, broken off their relationship with the greedy gold-digger girlfriend, quit that dead-end job, or sold that underperforming stock, C. adelsonii is probably kicking himself and wondering why he didn’t see the warning signs.   The rest of us could see them a kilometer away: a pompous, self-absorbed guy who’s lived off the largesse of other people for every single moment of his misbegotten life takes $15 million dollars and delivers nothing whatsoever in return? Yeah, that sounds like a bet worth making. Maybe it's time to double down... again. In typical displacement behavior fashion, S. newtii claims that he is reorganizing his campaign, scaling back his plans, and curtailing his travel, but anyone with a basal ganglion’s worth of intelligence can see the petroglyphs on the wall: it’s over.   When S. newtii (or Gropasaurus hermanii) tells you that they’re working on “bold solutions”, it means that they have nothing whatsoever to offer other than more random vocalizations.  They’re financially, politically, and morally bankrupt. They're counting on you to fall for this saurian schtick one more time. Luckily, you're too highly evolved for that crap. Despite S. newtii’s loudly articulated plans to campaign in every state and make his final triumphant stand at the GOPasaur convention in the Mesozoic miasma of Tampa this summer, many doubt that he will have much influence on the proceedings beyond that of saurian spoiler.  Even primitive reptiles resent those who try to poach their hard-won territory and food supply. All those whom S. newtii so energetically scorned on his brief, meteoric rise to relevance will surely remember the sneers, the derision, and the vicious attacks that he leveled at everyone within his drainage basin. Dinosaurs may not be the intelligentsia of the animal kingdom, but what they lack in brainpower, they more than make up for in their penchant for petty vengeance.  Expect some serious fang action before this is over. While some imagine that S. newtii would consider a vice-presidential role, no thinking GOPasaur would tolerate this backstabbing creature anywhere within striking distance.  Nor would S. newtii be a good match for sensitive assignments such as Secretary of State or cabinet lea[...]