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Preview: I *Heart* Celtics

I *Heart* Celtics





Updated: 2017-11-01T07:20:09.786-04:00

 



Third Week Roundup: Rondo Hop Edition

2012-11-16T16:39:01.375-05:00

If you're any kind of Celtics fan, you've given up on this team for a combined total of six hours this season - one hour after every loss and ten minutes after every offensive rebound the Celtics gave up against the Nets last night. Whenever KG wraps himself in his handtowel shroud on the bench, shit goes south. Doc's rotation has been erratic. Role players follow up great games by pooping their underoos. Every win has been an exhausting sigh of relief  and the losses have been depressing. But then Jeff Green does this, Rondo hops around, Courtney Lee gets fired up, and we all immediately conclude that this team could go the distance:Sixers 106-Celtics 100Low point of the season so far, considering Rondo had 20 assists (!!!), Pierce and KG both shot well, but the C's got outrebounded, outrun, outhustled, out-game-planned, and out-everything else. I couldn't figure out what the hell we were doing wrong until the game was over. The box score doesn't look that bad, but this is my impression of the Celtics on defense with Doc in the yellow shirt:Celtics 96, Bucks 92The Celtics won, but due to the amount of times I heard the phrase, "avenge an earlier loss to the Bucks," this was a Pyrrhic victory. The C's eked out a win over the Bucks - the Bucks - because Brandon Jennings shot 1-11. And it's not that he didn't have open looks. Brandon Jennings from downtown!!!!Celtics 101, Bulls 95Schitzo game - I'm not one for +/- stats but the Bulls starters were almost all negative by huge margins (Boozer -17, Robinson -15), while the Celtics' bench was amazingly negative (led by Courtney Lee with a -17 in 17 minutes, somehow). Rondo won this game by himself, leading the team in every statistical category and even picking up a sweet garbage-time assist to keep his 10+ streak alive. Quick question, has anyone watched the games from Stockton's so-called 1989 10+ assist streak? Because he was the king of getting credit for phantom assists back in the day. He'd toss an entry pass to Malone who would dribble six times, brick a turnaround, grab his own rebound, pump fake three times, and lay it in, and Stockton would get credit for an assist. I bet Stockton's streak was actually three games.Celtics 98, Jazz 93Most will remember this game for the aforementioned Jeff Green dunk. I will remember it as the game where Derrick Favors shot several dozen free throws. Must be nice to score 14 points off of 2 made field goals. Yeesh. Jeff Green and Barbosa both looked great, but again, it's not good when you need 32 points out of those two to close out the Utah Jazz at home. It also made me sad that Big Al and KG never played together, for obvious reasons. What a front line that would have been. Still love Big Al, dubbed by Perk to be "the man with a million moves." He was our only hope in some sad-assed times. Nets 102, Celtics 97I knew this game was bad news once I realized that not only does Avery Johnson coach the Nets, but my nemesis Reggie Evans gets serious minutes for them. Reggie played an important role of getting away with a few dozen loose ball fouls, getting his diabolical hands on nine rebounds, making it to the free throw line to draw a few "here we go!" jokes from every broadcaster, and racking up a sweet -17 in 20 minutes of play. Classic Reggie Evans game. Avery added a nice paragraph to his "Shittiest Game Manager of All Time" resume by intentionally fouling the Celtics to protect his lead (!!!) with plenty of time left on the clock. That kind of sums it up, doesn't it? The Celtics couldn't beat the Nets despite their coach committing game management suicide. Yuck. Avery Johnson CoachingMe Watching Avery Johnson's Idiotic Strategy Actually Work Because the Celtics Can't Hit Free ThrowsUPCOMING:Raptors and Pistons over the weekend, two "you know you have a problem when you're watching this goddamn game" games. Then it picks up with the Spurs and OKC on Wednesday and Friday. Fingers crossed for a 3-1 week, but I have this weird feeling we're going to lose to the Raptors. Maybe it's because their coach is Dw[...]



Stay Aggressive, Jeff Green

2012-11-16T09:26:24.200-05:00

There has been a lot of fretting over Jeff Green recently. His risky 40 million dollar contract makes him a high risk/high reward asset to the team, meaning if he doesn't perform the way he seems capable of, he won't be worth the dollas Trader Danny threw at him. Adding to the risk, his hypothetical lack of production and sizable contract would make him a terrible trade chip. Clearly, Danny made the decision to hunker down with this kid and help him reach his potential.And Jeff Green has a lot of potential. If you've seen the guy rise up for a finger roll with that sleepy disposition you know how smooth and natural his game is. The real problem is he is SUCH a nice dude. KG said as much recently, saying (and I'm paraphrasing here), "Jeff needs to be a total crazy asshole on the court like me." I can't help but agree with the Big Ticket here, so let's brainstorm ways to make Jeff Green more aggressive on the court:Jeff,-- someone on the other team is also sending flirty tweets to Callie Rivers. Find them out and get them out of the picture...-- when you play the Bulls (or any other team really), think about Joakim Noah's dopey face-- Is that Daniel Day-Lewis tattooed on DeShawn Stevenson's Adam's apple? Nope...Lincoln? Maybe. Kick his ass.-- watch this before every game:-- Donnie Wahlberg is counting on you Jeff...don't let him wear that tweed, black and white Celtics hat–cocked ever-so-slightly to the right–in vain!!!-- if you aren't aggressive KG is going to stuff your suitcase with live snakes......OH SHIT, THAT DID IT...[...]



First Week Roundup: Lebron is a Bitch Edition

2012-11-02T14:30:33.669-04:00

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You will see this picture hundreds of times and it will never grow tiresome. 

The Celtics only played one game this week, a game that I will definitely remember for the rest of my next ten minutes. Honestly, are you going to win the season opener on the road when the other team just had their championship ring ceremony? Be serious. Here are a couple of takeaways from the opener:

1) Heat fans are so dumb I'm starting to find them endearing. The "We Love Ray" chant was sweet like when your sixth grade girlfriend says she wants to marry you is sweet. Aww. They just don't know any better.

2) The cute "Thank you Lebron" ads - starring what I assume to be the same street urchins from the hellscape of Greenwich, Connecticut that were used as props during "The Decision" - ran so many times that I was begging for inflammatory political ads from shadowy puppet organizations for deranged billionaires.

3) The game was a bummer in that Ray Allen looked great and even frikkin' Rashard Lewis looked good. On our side, Jeff Green and Jason Terry looked like they had been woken up at 4 in the morning and handed a playbook written in binary. They looked lost the entire game, and combined to shoot 2-11 with 4 turnovers. They'll play better, obviously, because Rondo and Pierce shouldn't have to play 40+ minutes when we're stacked at the guard spots.

4) Courtney Lee looked good. I would have played him a lot more, despite the five fouls. That was a coaching mistake by Doc. But then again, Doc has coached an NBA championship team while I have a lifetime 3-7 record coaching fifth graders in a rec league.

5) Lebron had 26 and 10 off of 10-16 shooting and no turnovers, which is annoying but whatever, but he did that in 28 minutes. Other than that, we locked that bitch down.

6) Barbosa lighting up the Heat when we were hopelessly behind reminded me of the days when we couldn't wait for dudes like Kedrick Brown or Joe Forte to get some garbage time minutes. Good times.

7) I hope someone is putting together a lowlight reel of every time Dwayne Wade bricks off the SIDE of the backboard. It's amazing. Even when he's murdering the Celtics, he's fun to watch because every game, for two possessions, Dwayne goes into Popeye Jones mode. I just can't wait for Avery Bradley to heal up and turn him full Popeye.

As always, go Celtics.



Heat-Celtics Season Opener (in GIFS)

2012-11-02T14:14:14.125-04:00

Seeing Ray Allen's mom wearing Heat stuffRay tries to shake KG's handKG's thought bubble at that momentRay and Doc's hugMario Chalmers whenever he's fouledRondo guarding Dwayne WadeUs watching Rondo guarding WadeDarko waits for Doc to sub him in[...]



Season Preview: Rookies

2012-10-26T06:02:00.399-04:00


Bette Midler watches more college hoop than me, although that's never stopped me from talking a ton of **** about Danny Ainge on draft night. So, gentle reader, buckle up or GTFO, because I have never seen any of these guys play an entire game and subsequently this rookie preview is going to be terrible.

JARED SULLINGER
Big man from Ohio State with persistent injury problems? YES PLEASE. The pluses with Jared are that he actually has post moves (!), an an understanding of movement without the ball (!!), and he's tough (!!!). Jay Bilas probably says he has a "motor," too. Jared should fit in nicely. Although, I've noticed that people talk about his leadership as if he's going to be leading anyone. He most certainly will not. Maybe by playoff time, KG will sign a permission slip so Jared can give helpful pointers to the the towel boys.

But I'm not worried about a former alpha dog reacting to veteran leadership. He can be coached. Hell, Sullinger was willing to go to war every night for a dude named "Thad." And, of course, the Celtics need an ambitious young "4" for Doc to play eleven minutes a night and then give exasperated press conferences about him missing his defensive rotations.

FAB MELO
We could have paid a little more to keep Greg Stiemsma but we went with a dude who has never played man-to-man defense instead. Fact - goliaths don't play man-to-man in high school or AAU or in pickup ever. That 6'5" dude in your rec league just camps in the paint, too. So if you don't learn it in college, you're going to have to learn when you mark Dwight Howard on Christmas.

All I knew about Fab before we drafted him was that he got suspended from Syracuse for academic reasons. Propublica needs to investigate how that's even possible. A little bird told me that Carmelo's 'Cuse class schedule made Andy Katzenmoyer look like Doogie Howser. But Danny Ainge knows big men, which is why he still tries to trade for Robert Swift every fifteen minutes. Fab like a good dude, though. He'll probably spend some time with the Red Claws to get reps and that will be good for him. We need size and it would be strange and exciting to have an elite shot-blocker. I just hope KG doesn't give him rabies.

allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/e1jpAqWQmEQ" width="560">

KRIS JOSEPH
The pride of Montreal! I was surprised to learn that he's 6'8". Did you know that? Yeah man. It's true. He has been playing all kinds of positions during the summer, so yeah. Cool stuff.

DIONTE CHRISTMAS
He the best name possibly ever, but unfortunately he dominated the Summer League which portends doom for Celtics players. Nothing worse for your Celtics career than the Globe saying you "turned some heads" in Las Vegas. Here's hoping that Dionte Christmas will be the outlier. Another thing I like about him is that he grew up in Philly, went to high school in Philly, went to college in Philly... that shows character to me. Reminds me of someone incredibly loyal to his hometown growing up, OH YEAH HIS NAME IS LARRY BIRD.




Season Preview: The Bench

2012-10-26T06:01:00.816-04:00

 The Celtics, although a little thin at the PG spot, have a bench that should be making runs on opponents every night. Here's a little bit about each of our dudes and what we should expect. Bear in mind that I'm expecting a Rondo-Pierce-Bradley-Bass-KG starting lineup although that may, and probably will, change.Jason TerryCelebrating an NBA Title in shower sandalsThe best free agent signing the Celtics have ever signed in the history of any universe. FACT. (Also a FACT is that sentence is linkbait to try to shave off some Bleacher Report traffic. Just a matter of time before we also have seventy-click slideshows of the MOST OUTRAGEOUS NBA TATTOO MISSPELLINGS and a HOTTEST UNDERAGE TENNIS PLAYERS.) Moving on. As far as free agent signings go, this one is tough to top because Terry put the Celtics in title contention. Otherwise we'd be replacing Ray Allen with Jason Collins - or at least that's how I would have viewed it. As much as I love Ray Allen, and I still do, Terry is more versatile and reliable, shot almost 100% from three in the preseason, he doesn't feud with people and doesn't have a encyclopedia of intense and complicated rituals. The fact is that everyone would rather have Terry than Allen on the roster. Onward and upward.Jeff GreenGreen spent last season recovering from heart surgery and sending IMHO flirty tweets to his coach's daughter. But there were many, many times that the Celtics could have really used him. Green is such a fantastic player that I was bummed out when we traded him on draft night for Ray Allen. True story. So after being involved in the trade that led to the first Celtics title since I was three, he was then part of the worst trade in Celtics history when we traded for him in exchange for Kendrick Perkins, Paul Pierce's motivation, Doc Rivers' sanity, and Rajon Rondo's soul. Does my heart long for Perk? Yes. Will Green play much better now that his teammates don't view him as the whore that chased out their good buddy Perk out of town? Absolutely. Scal calling him James Worthy in the preseason wasn't as over-the-top as everyone made it out to be. Guess what purists, if you put up 20 and 8 by rampaging into the paint from the wing, you're playing like James Worthy. Deal with it. Green will win games for the Celtics this year.Chris WilcoxA fascinating experiment to see if you can take an insane athlete with no jump shot or post game, draft him much too young, play him sparingly on horrible teams for a decade, and then see if he can be a rotation player on a highly organized, top-level squad at the end of his career. So far, for whatever reason, it is working. I wish I knew how. How do you erase the memories of everything he learned during that New York Knicks season in '08? He was with Zebo and Tim Thomas in their coach-killing primes! Not only is Wilcox a solid player, but he's a wicked good dude. We need Malcolm Gladwell to write about his brain type - Gladwell is too expensive? Maybe Jonah Lehrer is available.Courtney LeeI was delighted that he signed with the C's, as he has been one of my favorite non-Celtics since he got to the league. He scored a ton of points in college at Western Kentucky, which means all he cares about is hoops because academically, WKU makes Arizona State look like La Sorbonne. He loves picking pockets, running on the break, and dunking. He loves dunking so much that he brags about dunking on his rookie teammates on Twitter. I'm trying to think of something snarky and negative but there's nothing to say. Huge pickup for the C's. Streets ahead!DarkoStarted his Celtics career off properly by announcing that he's ready to murder people on the court if he has to. That may be a vow of commitment to the team, but he also may be passive-aggressively warning KG to not hassle him too much. I doubt even KG will bother trying. This is one of those signings where I have to trust Danny because I've seen Jimmer play more minut[...]



What Joyless and Myopic Rule Change did David Stern Puke Up This Offseason?

2012-10-26T10:45:56.231-04:00

Can't-retire-soon-enough commissioner David Stern's favorite offseason hobby is tweaking the rules of the game. Remember the horror of watching athletes wearing $700 jeans before Stern decreed that they everyone had to dress like Bernie Madoff's financial goon squad? Remember when you were embarrassed to admit that you watched the NBA because players wore black thermal tights and their headbands upside down? Remember how much the league sucked before refs could call technical fouls to exact bitchy, passive aggressive revenge on whoever they wanted? allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/eXsvLjkQ3vg" width="420"> allowFullScreen='true' webkitallowfullscreen='true' mozallowfullscreen='true' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/u18jX8Mf334?feature=player_embedded' FRAMEBORDER='0' />This year, Stern decided that the games are taking too long. Why now I is anyone's guess, because we all hear the joke, "if you have two minutes to live, make sure they're the last two minutes of an NBA game" about one hundred times per season. If you had NBA-two-minutes-to-live, you'd be able to say goodbye to all your loved ones, post some cryptic lyrics from The xx on Facebook, and have plenty enough time left over to crank call Dan Shaughnessy. So let's fix the problem! We could try limiting the endless late-game substitutions, reduce the number of timeouts you can call in the last two minutes, stop treating free throws like mini-timeouts... there are probably a few good ones I am forgetting. A good one that I NOT forgetting is cracking down on pre-game rituals. They are now limited to ninety seconds. Has any fan ever complained about pre-game rituals? Maybe someone complained when Lebron's chalk dusted his wife's Louboutins, but seriously, fuck that guy. Pre-game stuff is fun and since it takes place before the game, it does not lengthen the game's running time. I feel stupid just typing this bullshit. One nice thing about these terrible rules changes is that we get players who never opine about anything to weigh in. Our favorite ever, of course, is when Tim Duncan channeled the spirit of future Ann Coulter and called the NBA's dress code "basically retarded." Strong. This time, the most likable player in the league, Kevin Durant, has said, "The fans enjoy it. You see the fans mimicking the guys who do their stuff before the game. To cut that down really don't make no sense." He stopped short of calling it "retarded," but sources tell us just barely. Durant is right. Doesn't matter, because here is David Stern's thought process: PROS: It's organic and fun. The players get into it. It makes each team unique. The superfans obsess over it. It adds free theatricality for kids and casual fans. It gives fans a peek at the actual personalities of their sporting heroes. It adds to the excitement of the buildup to the game. Everyone likes it. CONS: It kinda bugs me when it delays a late March Bobcats-Raptors game for fifteen seconds. BAN IT! Stern thinks he'll make it up to the fans by playing the instrumental of "In Da Club" while Mike Bibby shuffles the ball up the floor to start the third quarter. And that's why David Stern gets booed by fans whenever we get the chance. That's why when he announced he would step down to start his puppet regime in 2014, everyone was angry that he wasn't leaving earth to inhabit a moon colony tomorrow morning. He never gives a shit about making the game better. He is able to convince Bill Simmons that he has the game's best interests at heart, but we all know he cares about that one trust fund twat in a luxury box who doesn't want to pay his driver a minute of overtime on the two nights a year he goes to the arena. Up next is banning bench players from standing up during the game to cheer their team because[...]



Season Preview: Starters

2012-10-26T06:00:02.151-04:00

How did our starters spend their summer?Rondo wore sweater vests, interned at GQ, and hawked Red Bull so hard that if you ever imbibe a Monster-brand beverage, take your traitorous ass over to iheartlakers.blogspot.com. This is a Red Bull town now. Instead of getting relentlessly pitched by our cheesy auctioneer GM like he's a marbletop desk at an estate sale, Rondo got to relax. Which must be nice for him, because he's our best player and deserves to be treated like one, once. And as for everyone who says that Rondo needs to be disrespected and shopped around in order to play well, exhibit A is the emotional breakdown he had when Perk was traded and exhibit B is every playoff game he's ever played when he has zippy chance of getting traded. "Rondo plays better when he's uncomfortable" is classic front office spin and should be treated like such.The rest of the lineup was pretty quiet this summer. KG tailgated a friend of ours in Waltham, so the intensity is still there. Pierce seems happy with the direction of the team because he said so directly. His training regimen of losing a few thou gambling every night, showing up kinda out of shape and working his way back the first few weeks of the season has always worked and it will again this year. Avery Bradley continued to rehab his shoulders and ignore our tweets saying that we are available for shoulder massages anytime. Brandon Bass signed a sensible contract, which for some reason received less fanfare than Bryan Doo signing up for a Subway Club card.IHeartCeltics hears about the Brandon Bass contractAnd, of course, after being the subject of legit trade rumors every three days since the summer of 2008, Ray Allen bolted for Miami. We here tip our snapback caps to Ray and thank him for recruiting KG, legitimizing Doc, setting an example of work ethic for Paul, causing matchup problems for opponents even when he was ice cold, playing hard even when his children were very sick, crossing up Sasha Vucachic in the NBA Finals, helping us to win the perfect NBA title and getting us close a few more times. We hope he has one his 1-13 nights every time he plays the Celtics, we were and will always be #TeamRondo, but Ray's a good dude and we wish him well. We actually obtained exclusive footage of him leaving the Garden for the last time. It was less emotional than you might expect. [...]



The Year of Rajon "Teddy Grahams" Rondo.

2012-10-19T10:42:27.099-04:00

[This is my first post as a blogger for I*Heart*Celtics, the blog that fostered my love of the Boston Celtics when I was but a youth, immature and disillusioned by the game of basketball. I have New York City heritage, so at the time I had no NBA team to root for (the Knicks of the mid-aughts? Are you joking?).  To make matters worse, my varsity basketball coach was the basketball equivalent of Michael Scott whose jokes about "Spalding burgers" (blocked shots, apparently) landed like this:Inspirational.With nudging from my sister as well as from my girlfriend at the time, I watched a few Boston Celtics games.  This was the '06-07 season, so saying they weren't the best team in the league would be an understatement, but Paul Pierce's unavoidable charisma inspired me. Al Jefferson's potential excited me and I could be convinced that Wally Szcerbiak was an asset. It took me a while to get a feel for Doc's coaching, but once I saw how defense and team-centric their game was, I was hooked on Celtics basketball. Through those first moments of fandom, I*Heart*Celtics was the cement that kept me involved and entertained by the NBA, so I am happy to try to continue that tradition.]One of the things that I should tell you at the outset of this article is that I'm a basketball optimist. I always think that if everything plays out the way it should, the Celtics could win it all. Naturally, this means that the highs I experience when the Celtics win are high, but the lows are low.  I spent about 10 minutes laying with my big head face-down on the floor of my apartment like some sort of passed out Charlie Brown when the Celts lost to the Lakers in 2010 (ask my roommates).  Yet here I am, reasonably unscathed by the pain of missed opportunities past and feeling great about this year.  I'm ready to give you a few reasons why this year will be entertaining at the very least and glorious at the very most. But before you write me off as an unrealistic, pie-in-the-sky Boston sports fan (rarer than well, nonexistent actually), allow me to explain: for every 5 reasons why the Celtics could win, there are 5 equally legitimate reasons why they could lose. But I'll save those for another article, once I see this team play for real a few times. The preseason is all about building up a well of positivity, excitement and hope with which we shield ourselves from the inevitable low points that occur during the season. Now I'll try to break down some reasons why this year's team has a better chance of going all the way than previous Celtics teams:1. Jason Terry is talking about murderLOOK AT THAT BEAUTIFUL TATTOOThis is a good sign. JET is so fired up to be a Celtic that he has expressed his desire to decapitate the Heat (figuratively...we hope). Intensity off the bench is his number one priority and he's expressing it through the delicate art of homicidal sports metaphors on local cable sports channels. Part of this can be attributed to the fact that Doc is playing tapes of the Miami Heat ECF series on mania-inducive loops every practice. It's clear that the fire is being lit, Celtics fans, and JET is getting more riled up than an Orc outside Helm's Deep. One of the biggest assets to this season's Celtics team is a fiery and competitive Jason Terry on the court while old-man KG catches his breath (Hear that KG? You're old. Prove me wrong). Who knows? Terry and Garnett might end up feeding off of each other's intensity in a terrifying, yet unendingly entertaining feedback loop.The video I posted up there brings me to my next point.2. Scals is going to be on Comcast SportsnetThat's right, full-time internet meme and part-time human NBA veteran is now a commentator for Comcast Sports Net. Word on the street is that he'll be filling Tommy Heinsohn's booze-soaked loafers for 11 roa[...]



How We Felt About The Celtics' Summer

2012-10-19T10:02:48.396-04:00

Ray Allen signs with the HeatJason Terry signs with the CelticsDavid Stern Greets the Crowd at the NBA DraftThe NBA Draft when you watch zero college hoopsDwight Howard and Steve Nash sign with the LakersJason Terry gets a Celtics tattoo Everybody jumps on the "Beat the Heat" and "Beat LA" bandwagons Ray starts wearing Paul Pierce's numberWatching the media freak out because KG is not talking to Ray AllenLooking at the Celtics' roster and realizing that we might actually be loadedBONUS: Ray Allen realizes he no longer has to screen KG's calls and delete his rambling, apocalyptic voicemailsHoops in two weeks, everybody![...]



Like 'Twan before us...

2012-10-19T10:02:48.397-04:00


...we've returned. We are fatter, lazier, world wearier, and we have to pick a weird new jersey number because a young stud took our old one. But, perhaps lured by the $7.45/year in Google Ads for custom car rims, we are back in the game. Will we be as dedicated as we were when we used this blog to dull the pain of using our fancypants liberal arts degrees to work in paper bag factories? No, thank God a.k.a. Bill Russell. Do we plan on using GIFs like every other blog? Absolutely. Do we plan on promoting this at all? As the former Celtic great Vitaly "Ukraine Train" Potapenko would say, "Ні, ви, блін, мудак!"

Here's the plan - we'll have a couple short Celtics-related features and we'll post them all once per week on Fridays, magazine-style. And although we are long past the glory days of Scal blogging about going bowling with Raef LaFrentz, important things remain the same. Bryan Doo is still on the bench,  Danny Ainge still toggles between genius and nincompoop, David Stern is still a cave troll, and Paul Pierce and the dumber guy in the Insane Clown Posse still have the same speaking voice. I think we'll be ready to go.

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Didja miss us?




This blog was* defunct

2012-10-18T21:06:46.065-04:00

Some of us had* stopped writing, others were picked up over at www.celticslife.com.
Thanks!

*updated 10/19/12



Fall rules.

2009-11-06T13:36:16.428-05:00

Fall is a great time of year for me. The leaves magically change color and cover my disgraceful lawn like a beautiful quilt.The money portion of the Sam Adams seasonal line-up (Octoberfest and Winter Lager) is due in at all fine beer-hawking establishments nation-wide. I get to hide my video-game-sculpted body and receding hair-line with knit hats and layers of female-repelling t-shirts I only wear when I know I will have an overworn, underwashed hoody over them.And recently, The Celtics will be delivering serious ass-bruisings to "teams" like the philly cheesesteaks and charlotte slobcats. This new era of Celtics seems to go into a sprint immediately when the starting pistol is fired.Fine, if you shake my hand, I promise to shoot over there instead of at you.Two years ago, 29-3. Last year, 27-2. This year, 5-0 so far with no one, not even the Lebrons in Lebronland, really threatening to win by the end of the game.Uh, I think someone's tryin to foul me. Let me check... yea, Eddie House is tryin to foul me.This writer surely believes they can keep up this pace and have another stellar start, but how much does a good start to the season matter? well, I would say it matters a lot. The first time we did it, we brought home the trophy. Suck it, LA. Last time we went two rounds into the play-offs with a couple of big injuries. Suck it anyways, LA. Clearly there is no direct correlation, but by the same logic that getting ahead in a game early makes it easier for you to win for several reasons other than just having the lead, getting ahead in the season makes it easier for you to stay ahead.With the Marianas Bench on our side (do what you can, but don't hurt yourself trying to get that joke), Doc can really rest our senior citizens effectively and minimize injury risks too. So it seems we can have our early season domination cake, put a few pieces in the fridge for later, then bust it out during the play-offs, eat some more, then ask the Lakers if they think it smells funny. Ha ha, suck it again, LA, and wipe that frosting off your face!I was just kidding Kobe, chill out before your neck cord explodes.[...]



LA Lakers recon mission

2009-10-07T13:36:21.990-04:00

As we all know, the L.A. Lakers are not going to repeat as champions this year, but will still be like an annoying animal darting out in front of the Celtics' bandwagon on the road to ultimate triumphantry. The only question is whether it will be like a taurus versus a deer or a tank versus a salmon. ... one of those new-fangled land-salmon. So let's see what's goin on over in L.A., where the fans care about the game, just as long as the E! network is on re-runs, and there are no mirrors in sight.Derek the Gnome, pictured here celebrating with his team after getting a rebound, is getting old and ineffective, but not to worry, he has compensated for this by... writing a book about his life story and remaining old and ineffective. Amazon.com reports record sales as literally dozens of people order the book and select "never" as their shipping option. Well, maybe he plans to read excerpts to opponents when they start games and bore them to sleep by halftime. He reportedly has been training hard in the off-season however, so whatever his strategy will be, you can bet it will be a big waste of time and energy.Everyone's least favorite egomaniac, seen here looking dumb, is in talks with the Lakers for an extension to his contract. From the L.A. Times: "On top of the $47.8 million he could earn over the next two seasons, Bryant can sign a three-year extension worth another $86 million to $91 million." I think this may backfire for the Lakers though. Physicists theorize that this huge contract offer will generate enough self-importance in Kobe Bryant that it will cause his head to literally explode. So if I understand this correctly, and I probably don't, that's a potential total of $138,800,000. Now that's a lot of money, but I recall a great point (although he uses Shaq as an example rather than Kobe) from comedian Chris Rock (caution: link contains profanity and controversial viewpoints) differentiating that kind of money from serious wealth. My point is that someone is paying Kobe that insane amount of money not because he deserves it, but because Kobe will make the executives way more money. I think if I could afford to hire someone for that much money, I would instead first punch myself in the face for even considering it, then retire and take a look at this website. Obviously Kobe is the face of the Lakers and isn't going anywhere, should Celtics fans be worried? Not while Artest is there to ballhog and steal attention away from him. As the season goes, Kobe will soon recall that he's Jesus and this pair will prove to be as effective as Michael Jackson and a case of sedatives.That last joke was in great taste. Anyways, Kurt Rambis, the laker's version of Thibs, left to bring his brand of defense to the T-wolves, so we should see a shift in the Laker's defensive strategy. For those of you wondering, Rambis's brand of defense consists mainly of getting clothes-lined while rocking goofy glasses and only the dirtiest of mustaches. For those of you who missed the '84 finals and are all like "wtfuck are you talking about?" Here. Laker's head coach and chief Col. Sanders impersonator Phil Jackson has said that he will use 3 assistant head coachs: no name 1, who knows 2 and some guy 3 to split up the other NBA teams evenly and figure out how to defend them. He needs them to do this because he's too busy not moving for extended periods of time. Some scientists think that, like those creepy, camouflaged fish, this is how he catches his prey.OK, moving on to big dumb waste-of-space Luke Walton (The NBA player with the douchey straw hat... on the right), he will be playing less with Artest in the mix, which is not a new concept, I guess, but Walton was asked about it recently and said [...]



Garnett still has a boo-boo and the NBA is still a laughingstock.

2009-09-23T12:51:29.606-04:00

So a lot of stuff has happened in Celticsland since last post, and I'm sure you've heard about all of it. We signed Sheldy Williams, resigned Big Baby, and finally worked out something with Marquis Daniels. Looking back at the 09 playoffs, there were two things I remember missing. One is of course KG, and the other was bench points. Let's look at the improvement. 08-09 bench by the end of the year (minus the players we still have): Stephon Marbury, Mikki Moore, Gabe Pruitt. 09-10 bench starting out: Marquis Daniels, Glen Davis, Rasheed Wallace, Shelden Williams. mmm bench points...Marbury and Lester Hudson are still up in the air, and it's not really fair to include baby, but it is exciting to know how talented he is, and that we have more than five guys who are even better. (Yes, reader, it has occurred to me, after I put down my keg of kool-aid, that this line-up is untested and could go into a tailspin, but for now, let's just assume everything will go exactly according to plan, hmm?). Anyways, back to Big Baby. As we all know, he got to showcase his talent when KG suffered his knee injury. Luckily that's all over and done with. OR IS IT?!?!?!?! DUN DUN DUNStories are now surfacing, based on the fact that KG will miss the first pre-season game, that his knee injury may still be a big issue. It seems like the Celtics, coached by Bill Belichick, may not want to really reveal the truth (which is out there) to the rest of us. I *Heart* Celtics, where X-files references happens.One might (intelligently) say "It's only the pre-season and plenty of teams rest starters during PS games." I would say that this wouldn't be Boston sports here if we didn't analyze the hell out of everything. So could the knee still be a factor, will Garnett be at or close to 100% and when will he start? Yes, based on the severity of the injury. I would guess not 100%. and who knows? Whatever the case may be, the Wallace trade is looking like it could be a little more than for depth.In other news, the NBA, which can't come to an agreement with its refs, has invited replacement refs in to a training camp. I'm sure the old refs just want more money, but maybe, just maybe, they want to call the games fairly and of course Stern will have none of that. One interesting point is here and that is that the NBA has invited former NBA ref Michael Henderson who they suspended for making a bad call and later fired for probably causing a stink about it (see the call below). Man that was a bad call, oof, makes me just want to stab someone with a knife. Somebody obviously had big money on that game. Or Henderson has the eyes of dead bat. So that's good news, we can expect just as crappy of a job as the old refs did or worse! I think they should just hire Tommy Heinsohn as the league's only ref, personally.And finally, on the "lighter" side, former Celtic, current Cav and future Terminator Delonte West got pulled over in Maryland on a motorized tricycle wielding two loaded hand-cannons and a shotgun in a guitar case.Pause, re-read and reflect.As hilarious as the image of him riding down the highway on a three-wheeler shooting off pistols and screaming like he's god damn Yosemite Sam is (and I'd have that photoshop for you if I wasn't so busy)... what are you trying to prove, Delonte? You are not Steven Seagal, you aren't going to have to take down a factory-full of evil henchmen to save a woman you just met, and you don't need to be prepared to combat a small national army. You are a rich basketball star, no one is questioning your manhood, so just cut the sh!t and grow up. When are these moron athletes going to figure this out? And don't give me that "It's for prot[...]



More roster action, with half the importance and twice the calories.

2009-08-03T18:34:21.068-04:00

According to Seattlepi, whatever the hell that is, the Celtics have reached an agreement with Shelden Williams for one year. See hilarious photoshop below:Thanks to the Kings blog "SacTown Royalty" for this brilliant photomanipulation. I also like how occassionally, if you visit that site and are very lucky, a giant pop-up of a nature scene blocks the entire site and advertises absolutely nothing. Awesome. He was a solid defender at Duke, flying around and blocking shots, getting rebounds, etc. Here in the NBA he has played with the Hawks, the Kings and the Timberwolves, and is one of those guys who plays about 15 minutes per game, so no one cares about him. I think he is underappreciated, and will have a good year with the C's. He's defensive-minded and young, which is nice since our team is starting to look a little, uh, elderly.Speaking of that, the Celtics may have a chance to jump on another geezer of a player, Bruce Bowen, since the Spurs are waivin it up down there. This article seems to think it'll be either us or the Cavs. It mentions however that odd-looking Marquis Daniels from the Pacers is probably going to take the spot opened up by waiving Gabe Pruitt, which will be great if the guys have an impromptu need for a map of Florida or any other of his bizarre tattoos. Yes, last friday the Celtics requested waivers on our beloved, drunk-driving backup point guard leaving most wondering who will back up Rondo after we run him into the ground and Marbury until he remembers how to play (if he is resigned). Oh wait, I forgot, Rondo is indestructible, nevermind. So the Celtics will probably end up with either Daniels or Bowen, and without maybe Scal or TA if we have to trade with Indiana (rather than using just cash).The NBA, where mind-bending, confusing-ass transactions happens.And In Powe news, he reportedly received an offer from the Cavs. And just as a courtesy to you, the reader, if you click on the link just given, stop reading after the first four lines. The author does some "freestyling" if you will, and it is uncomprehendable garbage. At this point I would like to say that the Cavs need to chill the out. First it was Shaq, then they got Anthony Parker, then goofy-named Jamario Moon (Here's how that went down: "hmm, what should we name our kid? I know, Mario... wait too normal, let's get high and come up with an extra syllable to throw in the mix.") to go with Lebron and the gang. I don't know how well that group will work together, but scientists predict it will be somewhat like this:And now the Cavs want to add Powe to the Cleveland De-pantsing ho-down too? Unbelievable! Well, I will say this, Powe deserves the highest contract he can get, he's a great player and human being, and I hope he stays, but I wish him the best of luck anyways.On a side note, here are some videos which should help explain the just-not-quite-rightatude that Cleveland people exhibit (Thanks to Cam for the find).[...]



Rash is down with the C's ideology

2009-07-10T01:17:25.837-04:00

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Rasheed with his new jersey, Vivica Fox, a young PJ Brown, the little girl from the Cosby show and a kid who thinks his head is a lot bigger than it actually is.

Well, I just sat through the introductory press conference and boy was it exciting. There's nothing like a bunch of lobotomized reporters lobbing up underhanded softballs at preprogrammed athletes who sit and wait for the "high cheese" (as Eckersley would say) like Big Papi circa 2004 with a 3-0 count. "Um, Rasheed, could you tell us if you think winning is important to this team and if you think you can help the team do that?" "Um, no, I'm not that good and honestly we'd rather just get to know each other on the court... through the art of interpretive dance, maybe throw a tea party here and there, do the electric slide, you know, as a team... winning isn't really what we're about."

Well, that's not what he said, though he would have my undying admiration if he had. Rashy is all about the big W, he claims. In fact, if there was a common theme, it was: we want to win and Wallace was the main free agent that the C's wanted to sign. Since he is now a Celtic, my unfounded hatred of RW is gonna have to go, but still, I reserve the right to complain about any chucking that goes on.

In other news:
The Celtic's summer league, where our young guys play who-cares basketball in an abandoned gym outside of Orlando, has took a turn for the worse. After flogging the Utah Jazz-hands, we were beaten decidedly by the high-drafting OK (by state abbreviation, not reputation) Thunder and edged out by a trey by the Orlando Magically Delicious and the Indiana Pacemakers. Fun fact: Indiana feels the need to play its regular season starters against our there-for-emotional-support crew.

I plead momentary retardation when I said that Orlando is a better team now. Cause they aren't. They are gonna miss the Hedonism Turkey like the Celtics (and BP) miss Alvin and the Jeffersons (a lot). Unless Howard has figured out the art of the free throw and, well, anything on top of how to dunk and Carter discovers the fountain of youth, I'm not too worried. Also, I look forward to seeing Shaq in Cleveland even more now. Wallace is going to buy property outside the arc and just live there because on defense Shaq will either be with his only friend, the low post, or still deciding whether or not to bother crossing half court. It's going to be hilarious, trust me.

And lastly, Gregg Dickerson (Boston's really funny, local sports network's "field" reporter on the Celtics) confirmed with Doc Rivers that they expect a definite answer to the Grant Hill situation (which, in case you haven't heard about because I haven't mentioned it, exists) within a few days. Doc said, and I paraphrase, we really want him on this team and are trying to pry him away from the Suns but it will be difficult because he likes Steve Nash and the ownership and hates winning.



Celtics reach supposed deal with the 'sheed.

2009-07-10T01:31:48.785-04:00

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I was surprised too, Rash.

The Celtics have reached a deal with Piston's Rasheed Wallace, SI said. 2 years of technical fouls and chucking foolhardy 3's. Well this isn't all bad from a strategy standpoint (and it's not bad at all if you don't have unfounded hatred for Wallace like I do). He can defend forwards and centers, he can play inside and outside on offense and he's got a weird discolored blob on his head which I believe is his version of Jupiter's great red spot. Sources say that it fuels his inner tempest with stormy rage. This has to count for something.

Anyways, I predicted Andersen here, but I certainly can't complain with this move... it actually makes more sense. Not only will this give us more depth at center, but I'm certain he will rack up the minutes despite coming off the bench. He can come in for KP at C or KG at F, which will allow Doc to better rest starters, something he cried about last season. So this trade seems to make a lot of sense, I'm excited to see it in action later this year. Also, look for a feature during the season: Sheedwatch! Ugly missed 3's are worth 1 point, technicals will be 2, let's see how high he can score!

In other news, the Celtic's summer league gets started tonight at 7pm against the Utah Jazzettes, and you can watch the live stream from Celtics.com. The expected starters are Gabe Pruitt, J.R. Giddens, Bill Walker, Mike Sweetney and Robert Swift. So if you own a laptop you can watch the sox and D-team celtics at the same time. word.



The draft happened, the Cavs find Lebron a boyfriend, Orlando throws Vince Carter at their problems, Celts concentrate on holes in their dancer roster

2009-06-30T04:02:29.058-04:00

...no pun intended (seriously).Meet the newest Celtic, Lester Hudson seen here attempting some kind of weird, mid-air, side-action sky-hook that will have to defy the laws of physics to go in. Comforting.Wowee wow, so the draft happened and without further Freddy Adu here is I*Heart*Celtics' exhaustive summary:Boston Celtics - pick 58 - picked Lester Hudson. A speedy combo guard with already-established and quite effective offensive skills. A great compliment to our defensively-oriented team. I predicted a different player by name, but essentially the same player by game. Ainge has said that there is a good chance he will see playing time this season.Other teams - picks 1 through 60 - picked players that they thought would help them beat us and will soon find that their time would have been better served trying to pay the basketball to go in the hole.In other news, The Cleveland Lebron's, under pressure from last season's disappointment, will now have to change their name to The Cleveland Oh-God-We're-So-Pissed-About-Last-Year-That-We're-Bringing-In-Captain-"Along-For-The-Ride"-And-Crossing-Our-Fingers-That-His-Ego-Doesn't-Eat-Ilgauskis-aliers. Unfortunately Shaq will be the only one who will be able to fit it on his jersey. The Cavs meanwhile have sent Ben Wallace, Sasha Pavlovic, a 2010 2nd round draft pick, some moolah, a broken TV, a '74 dodge dart, a croquet set, some Van Halen LP's and whatever else they were just going to throw out anyways to Phoenix. The Suns, meanwhile, can't stop talking about how great Ben Wallace was in 2004 and how Sasha was picked in the very 1st round of the 2003 draft. Look for the Suns to be a dominant force in points not scored, rebounds mishandled and ratio of asleep to awake fans.News from our other source of competition, Orlando, goes as follows: The Nets send over Vince Carter and 2nd year player Ryan Anderson in exchange for Rafer Alston, Tony Battie and Courtney Lee. It seems like this means that Hedo is not going to stay in Orlando since that would be very expensive for Orlando, but there is no Hedonews so far. Regardless, Orlando is going to be quite a force this season. Their starting five is Howard, Lewis, Turkoglu, Carter, and Nelson, with the possibility of Pietrus or Anderson instead of Turkoglu. Either way, Orlando's newly and extremely versatile offense and solid defense are going to be damn scary.The Celtics are going to need Perk to step up to the challenge of Shaq and Howard and the team defense is going to have to improve despite the fact that it has been pretty excellent the last couple seasons. To be honest, I'm now more worried about Orlando than Cleveland, but both teams are now better than last season. If we can see the full Celtics roster healthy and hustling, we can beat them both, I believe. Some say that more transactions on our part are going to be necessary to win it all again, and the Celtics have shown that they agree (as seen by their current website headline) by first taking care of what's really important: finding the hottest women in massachusetts who will dance provocatively during time-outs so ticket holders can (men) point skywards and pray for wardrobe malfunctions or (women) complain about the pointlessness of cheerleaders as they broadcast their jealousy like a bad radio show. Maybe if you tried a little harder in gym class rather than going to the nurse's office with your injury-du-jour you'd be on the team during the game rather than after it, ladies. Anyways, I do hope the front office recognizes the need to beef up a little bit. I am still [...]



Ridiculous Celtics trade rumor # 2

2009-06-24T15:29:52.410-04:00

Seems poor Rondo can't stay out of trade rumors. With the draft coming up in a day, rumors are flying, here's the latest: Rondo, Scal and Giddens to Memphis for Rudy Gay and Mike Conley. This particular article doesn't mention Giddens, cause I guess they had other, more urgent rumors to spread and couldn't be bothered giving us the full maybe-truth. After some searching around online, I found that he was involved in the rumor that some say is a complete lie, and others say is practically a done deal.

Again, it is impossible to tell if this is remotely true, but we'll keep you somewhat posted.



Ridiculous Celtics trade rumor #1

2009-06-24T15:09:13.782-04:00

According to yahoo sports, lower-level (than Ainge) executives are playing feel out/up the competition for trades.

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"D-town? No Thanks!"

No one has confirmed this, but "league sources" said the the C's offered Rajon Rondo and Ray Allen to Detroit for Richard Hamilton, Tayshaun Prince and Rodney Stuckey. Ray Allen has one year left and will be a FA after next season. He will probably have to settle for less since after this since he is in his mid-30's. Rondo has a rookie contract which ends after the upcoming season, however the Celtics can extend it by one year now, and we will have him for next season and the season after. I see this being in the Celtic's best interest since he is one of the best point guards in the league and makes far less money than he deserves. The Celtics can also wait on his extension and make him a restricted free agent after next season. Why give teams the chance to drive his salary up and force us to match if we want to keep him?

So getting rid of these guys makes no sense, let's see if acquiring those guys from the pistons makes any.

Prince: good passing forward, fast with some size and mediocre scoring.
Stuckey: speedy and scores relatively well. he can play both point and shooting guard, but isn't really your standard point guard.
Hamilton: 31-year-old guard-forward with a very solid offensive game, nothing amazing though.

It would be nice to have another option at the small forward position, but we end up with no point guards in this trade and Detroit loses too much to justify their desire for Rondo (remember AI? hahaha)

The article later says Detroit immediately said no to this trade idea, but another article here says Ainge also immediately said no. In fact, Ainge said, "I'm not sure why his name keeps popping up, but I'll tell you this: We love Rajon, and I think everyone in here knows what kind of a player he is and what kind of a bright future he has."

He makes another quote which is worth mentioning, "And I hope you can all maintain your integrity in this world of media that we live in. It doesn't seem that you have to have any source anymore. You can just write stuff and print stuff and things just come out of the air." I agree with this, but apparently yahoo sports does not. Rather than saying, "Hey here's some heresay trade rumors..." they print it as if it's common knowledge. I hope I have at least made it clear that these rumors are exactly that.



My 2009-2010 Celtics hopes

2009-06-24T15:34:54.248-04:00

Disclaimer: I am going to try to make a case for what I believe the Celtics roster should look like next season. I've never done this before, so perhaps I will forget or be unaware of certain influencing factors (feel free to correct me, thought). Bash me if you like, but I recommend a normal discussion based on evidence and/or common sense, like I will attempt to give now.I think the overall strategy is going to be to build a playoff team. We are still going to have KG (who underwent successful surgery and should be good to go), Rondo (who's game has vastly improved), Ray Allen, and Paul Pierce (our play-off master). Making the play-offs, while never automatic, will probably happen. Therefore, I think the idea will be to surround these guys with play-off-proven guys to make another run at a title before thinking about replacing veterans with younger talent. Ainge himself said here, "I don’t anticipate any trades happening in this offseason involving any of our core players."Anyways, starting with our guys first:Celtics free agents (players who will need a contract extension or a new contract to continue playing):Restricted FA's ("restricted" means that if another team signs a contract with the player, the celtics have 15 days to match that contract and keep the player, or let him sign with the other team. Otherwise the player signs with no one.)Leon PoweGlen DavisUnrestricted FA's (The player can sign with whichever team he wants or with no one)Mikki MooreStephon MarburyEddie House (Eddie has a player option which means he can extend his contract for another year for the same salary as last season).I think Powe and Davis will be kept. Davis's performance in the playoffs this year exceeded all expectations, especially on the offensive end. Likewise, Powe's consistency and his 2008 playoff performance was also excellent. Plus Powe, from what I hear, is a Doc Rivers' favorite and a total team player. The only issue I see here is if signing both of these guys becomes a financial strain, they may just keep one. If this is the case, my guess would be Powe stays, since both are proven post-season players but Powe has better post moves, consistency, and defense. The Celtics front office has expressed interest in another jump shooter, which could mean that they are going to let Davis go (he has a jump shot, and a pretty good one now, as opposed to Powe, which has no jump shot), or it could mean that they love jump shooters and would rather sign Davis. Again, I just hope they both stay.I think the Celtics will consider other options and probably find one before resigning Mikki. People argue that his decent jump shooting and length make him a hard player to replace, but I don't see that outweighing his poor fouling, and lack of defense, outside of the occasional block. Plus he is thin and gets muscled around in the paint a lot on both ends.Marbury is a tough call. There aren't really many (if any) choices if the C's want a different back-up point guard. Though he saw limited playing time, he didn't perform that well. Ultimately, I think he will be gone. This will leave us with shooting guards and Rondo, which seemed to work, pre-marbury, partially because Rondo is young and can handle a lot of minutes. Pruitt, a trade, a lucky draft pick and/or even maybe Tony Allen may all help this cause.I think House will be back too. I am concerned because he ended last year with such a bang that other teams may overvalue him and offer him more money than[...]



Why I'm routing for Orlando

2009-06-06T12:09:41.430-04:00

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They aren't the Lakers.



Why I'm routing for Denver

2009-05-27T01:22:22.172-04:00



Eat it, Kobe.



Game 3 tonight will be played without head-slapping D-bags

2009-05-08T15:31:48.438-04:00

So guess what we beat Chicago in game 7, then lost game 1 at home and won game 2. Now you're up to speed, cause I know you read only this website

Anyways, game 3 is on tonight in Orlando. The Magic's starting point guard, Rafer Alston will be absent from the building because of this very feminine move :
(object) (embed) And yes, Tupac, Orlando did feel the wrath of a menace after this. A 31-point wrath!

So I would say the current point guard match up will hopefully be exploited by the Celtics, since Rondo played his ass off again yesterday and Johnson, while not a bad player, doesn't start and isn't as good. Perkins had a hell of a game in game two and I would be surprised if they don't try to use him the same way: drive at (well maybe "drive at" is a strong word... "lumber toward" might be more appropriate) Howard and get him in foul trouble (and if he doesn't foul, chances are it's an easy 2). If points in the paint is the Celtic's thing, and it is, that strategy would make sense. And my god, if House can stay hot and our passing is good, we really can't lose. We got a career night out of House when we needed it most: Pierce had a tough night with only 3 points. You can't expect him to score 31 points again, but you shouldn't expect Pierce to score only 3 points again.

And I just wanted to mention Rondo's dunk in game 2 was so good. Watch this now before the NBA removes the video from youtube!
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And I believe this was for his 11th point and a triple double.

OK, can't wait for 7 o clock!