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The Guy Report

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Updated: 2014-10-04T19:15:48.625-07:00


The Way it is


Hyper connected leads to loss of soul because you'd have a panic attack if you tried to sit still for a second. What's that about?

Hop on the fear bandwagon. Everyone else does. One day it's terrorists threatening our way of life, and the environment which will be officially closed by the year 2012, thank you Al Gore.

Meanwhile we've got troops we don't even care about no matter how much we say we do.

And now the economy is in the tanks and everyone might have to cut back and stop being addicted to CREDIT. How about being addicted to PRACTICALITY?

And guess what? We're still here. But without us, trust me, the world would still turn. No matter how important we like to think we are with our fancy titles and jobs, and crackberrys, and blue teeth that make us look like complete assholes. Really. You look so fucking needy and stupid with that thing in your ear. Can't be alone for 5 minutes, can you? What's that all about?

the self worth is lacking and we wouldn't want to take the time to figure out how to get some. Come to some inner truth or truths and start playing a part in whatever the hell this is we're creating. And if you're not creating...Stop. Look around you, everyone is running around at such a speed (Beatles). Do you think this imbalance is going to be good for our future?

We've caught a case of the fears, peeps.

Don't be scared. There is a purpose, it's just that we'll probably never know what the hell it is. Trust. Create. Enjoy. There will be no second chances.
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Hey Kids!


We are so not blah-blah-blahgging here much any more. But we are doing plenty of ranting and raving at our website. You can also follow us on our very fun Twitter feed.

Is It Just Me?


Or does Archie Manning look like Woody Allen's younger brother? Good news: Manning does not have an Asian baby sitter.

Check out the new site:
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

People's Retardation of China: An Olympic Blog


Hey, Kids! We're blogging about the Olympics over at the new site. C'mon over and leave this old lady behind!

Madonna A-Rod Text Messages



Read the rest of the messages straight from the source.

We Have Moved


Our entire schpiel has permanently moved over to our website at Join us there and make sure to register to keep up to date. Hasta la vista.

Did You Happen to See the Most Beautiful Girl?


OK, you recognize the lyrics. If you don't, Charlie Rich sung it. It's an old-school, cheesy kind of tune. But our Chief Guy just used the musical accompaniment in a pick-up attempt. Was he successful?

That's not the point right now. The point, is how to use creativity to enhance your pick-up skills. Because you've been using the cheesy, rehearsed lines for too long. It's time to let a little improvisation in on your act...

Walking through the grocery store, C.G. saw her standing there. (She might not have been the Most Beautiful Girl in the World, but she was certainly the MBGIS. Most Beautiful Girl in Store, and then some.) He quickly decided against the usual guy approach.* She was too sexy for that. Either he had to Go Big, or Go Home.

That's when Charlie Rich came in, his song piped in over the loud speakers. Why not? C.G. figured. He had nothing to lose.

He marched right over to her aisle and asked her if she was listening to the song. "Um, yes, dumbass, I'm not deaf."

She didn't say that. She smiled, yes, she was listening, even though it was apparent her young-school self found it rather cheesy. But that cheese-factor quickly vanished when C.G. spun it into flattery.

He told her she was the Most Beautiful Girl in the World and he wanted to go out with her. She blushed, thanked him, and said "maybe."

Once again, her answer isn't the thing here. The thing is to use the anecdote as an example of how to use your environment and surroundings to go with the creative flow. If you can spin gems like that, you will be rewarded one day. Even if she's not MBGW material.

As it happens, the song is all about break-up, which C.G. would be perfectly willing to do if the Most Beautiful Girl in the World would just go out with him once. Stay tuned.

* Ya know, pretend you just happen to need something on the aisle she is standing in. Then proceed to aisle, buy a bunch of sh*t you don't need, and still drop the ball on talking to her.

8 Ways to Tell Your Band Sucks



1. Citing Extreme Suckatude, even Myspace Tom de-friends you.

2. Groupies are weighing in at over 200lbs. Bringing their own flour to concerts.

3. Latest gig at church bake sale. They made you pay for the Cool-Aid.

4. Lead singer's looks, and talent, compared with Danny Bonaduce.

5. Lead singer actually is Danny Bonaduce.

6. People constantly complimenting you on how cool your guitar case is.

7. Concert appearances frequently end in Disturbing The Peace charges, and full cavity searches, just "because."

8. You can't get sex, and you have no drugs, and your rock n' roll sounds like a cross between a chinchilla in heat and the Iraqi National Anthem.

P.S. Oh, say, can you see, if you're a "friend" and you have this sneaking suspicion I think your band blows, please don't ever invite me again. I promise to remember you at Christmas.

Long enough to run the other way. Attention Shoppers! Sucky band member on aisle four...

Van Winkle To Be Awoken For NBA Finals


Asleep for, what seemed like, a lifetime (but in reality, was only 6 days), while NBA marketing geniuses went about their greedy little work, Rip cannot remember the last game he witnessed.


"I just remember a really loud and obnoxious PA announcer..."

Read The Body Language, Dude



It's not hard to tell when a girl is interested in what we have to offer. (Namely, a penis.)

They're either in, or out, from the get-go. There is no thinking about it. She knows the second she sees you if there's a possibility the two of you will be sharing bodily fluids. You know the second she see you that she knows if she'll be sharing bodily fluids with you.

It's in her body language, dude. Read it. No words necessary.

You want to know what the Real Game is all about? (For absolutely, shite, nothing?) Stop trying to force the round peg into the square hole. Life's too short.

The Two Faces of David Stern


David Stern on the possibility the Pistons and Spurs could meet in the finals...


David Stern after the Pistons and Spurs don't make the finals...


Mike Breen's Mentor a Chicken


"He just took the ball out of bounds!!!!!!!!!"

A Message to Kobe Haters



You can exhale now. He isn't going to self-destruct.

10 Words Women Don't Want to Hear Out of Your Mouth


1. I

2. was

3. only

4. using

5. you

6. because

7. I

8. was

9. hard

10. up

8 Reasons Why Men Are Men


1. Because it's cool.

2. Because we are.

3. Because we came.

4. We saw.

5. We conquered.

6. We kicked ass.

7. Then we came again.

8. And we forgot to get her name.

10 Ways to Say 'I Hate You' to an Ex



1. "I hate you."

2. Mail your homemade porn tapes to her parents.

3. Tell her she's as skanky as Paula Abdul.

4. Tell her again.

5. Report the inadequacy of her BJ technique on wall at Facebook.

6. When you see her face, you don't even know her -- unless she wants to give you a break-up BJ.

7. Report that she did on Facebook.

8. "Je te deteste."

9. Tell the next b/f you gave her the clap.

10. Give him the clap, too.

If a Woman Farts in the Forest...


Does it make a sound?


What about if she farts in your presence? And she's hot. Guess it doesn't make a sound then, does it? But how many do you let her get away with before saying something? And, at what count does she start becoming "not so hot?" -- except in terms of increasing Global Warming.

"It's been proven beyond a shadow of a doubt. That's why Tipper's been on lock-down lately."

6 Things You Shouldn't Be Saying to Your Stalker



1. Hello.

2. Do you park here often?

3. I've seen bigger penises on my brothers.

4. I bet that made you real popular in high school.

5. Sure, I'll get in.

6. I hope you don't mind yeast infections.

10 Things Verne Troyer Would Do For an Encore



1. Sniff blow off a hooker's ass while farting the National Anthem.

2. Challenge a mouse to a skateboard race.

3. Bang any living munchkin from the Wizard of Oz.

4. Shave Mike Myers pubes and save them in a jar by his bed.

5. Marry a vegetable named Demetri.

6. Audition to find "love" with Tila Tequila.

7. Demonstrate his fine mastery of Rock, Paper, Scissors.

8. Apply to be paper weight between Mary Carey's breasts.

9. Nominate Pop Tarts as the number one snack food for diabetic children.

10. Reveal he was also a high-priced Spitzer Girl.

Laker Fans Finding Love All Over Again


"Hey, those colors look great on you. Do you come here often?"

Obama For a Spam Free America


(image) Just isn't going to happen.

I made the mistake of contacting Obama's "team" in an effort to get the skinny smoker to play me in a game of H-O-R-S-E for ESPN. No reply, only ObamaSpam, every single day. It brought to mind a sad fact of American politics: It's all about "the sell" and little about the people.

"By the people, for the people," I think not. I know not.

In my mind, Obama is now directly on par with that Nigerian King's daughter and the plentiful offers of a bigger penis. He's a lot of puff with little substance. Kind of like the supermodel who fails to eat her rice cake and is in jeopardy of being blown away by the slightest breeze.

5 Things a Guy Doesn't Want to do on a Date


1. Talk.

2. Listen.

3. Shop.

4. Fart.

5. Bleed.

NBA Poser Suffers From Severe Case of Premature Thugulation


(image) Washington D.C. - It occurred in the first quarter of today's game against the Cleveland Cavs. The Washington Wizard's DeShawn Stevenson made a shot. Wait, stop that sentence. It's juicy enough to repeat: DeShawn Stevenson made a shot. What a concept. Remind me how long he's been in the NBA for?

What happened next was the even more surprising: DeShawn did that genius "wave his hand in front of his face" thing, then followed it up with a nomination for The David Stern Sportsmanship of the Year Award: The throat slash. The: I-just-kicked-your-ass (on one basket, in the first quarter) and-blood-is-pouring-out-of-your-neck, let-me-call-the-paramedics throat slash.

His victim? LeBron James -- who the genius Stevenson has been calling overrated. Note to Stevenson: scoreboard says 3-1. And LeBron right around 30 a game. How genius can you be now?

Last note to the Wizard Whose Wand is Flaccid: You got beat on a shot by someone who actually looks like he could be a real-life thug: Delonte West. Real-life thugs don't have to "talk the talk." They just beat you, DeShawn, until, hopefully, you can't ever talk again.

5 Reason Guys Don't Get Laid


1. Lack of confidence.

2. Toooo desperate.

3. Trying to play in majors when they should stay in the minors.

4. Still living with their parents.

5. Fugly. Real fugging fugly.