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My World Without Smoking



These are the days of my life...without smoking now!! Join me as I ramble about Chantix, kids, men, family...and life in general!!



Updated: 2015-09-16T15:53:33.509-04:00

 



I'm here....and still not smoking!!!

2007-09-16T13:24:22.485-04:00

I know...I've been AWOL yet once again. I do that a lot. I get so caught up in other things that I forget all about getting on the puter. But I wanted to post a GREAT update...

Yesterday was my birthday...my 32nd Birthday. And I am smoke free....for real!! I don't know how or when it happened, but I ended up stopping the Chantix. It's been about 2 weeks now, and I'm doing so great. If anyone has checked out my other blog, then you would understand how happy I am about this. I gave myself a reward...kinda one of those "I'm proving that I'm strong and can do what I want when I want to". I went and got my first body piercing the other day...got my navel done. It's my motivation also to lose a little weight. I had the Chantix and all of you as motivation to quit smoking and stay quit. Now I have a little silver ring in my navel as motivation to get myself into better shape and lose a little weight. I just hope it works...lol

I know that I'm rambling and not making a whole lot of sense right now. I've got a lot going through my head right now...and it's kinda crazy in there...lol I do have to also update my other blog, but not right now. I'm taking my kids to the park and letting them be free for the day. No worries. No thoughts. Just living their life.

I hope you're all doing good with your quit. I'll catch up later on y'all.

More days down....



Recipe for super easy cookie bars...

2007-08-21T15:02:59.017-04:00

These cookies are super easy, and oh so yummy!!

Candy Topped Peanut Butter Bars

1 roll of sugar cookie dough (from the store)
3/4 cup butter or margerine, softened
1/2 cup peanut butter
2 cups powdered sugar
2 Tablespoons milk
1 cup salted peanuts (optional)
1 cup semi sweet chocolate chips (I use milk chocolate though)
1/4 cup cream
1/2 cup M&M's (or any other mini candies...such as baking Reese's Pieces...mmmmm)

Break cookie dough into ungreased 13x9 pan. Press dough evenly across the bottom of the pan. Bake at 350 for 12 to 16 minutes, or until light golden brown; cool completely.. In medium bowl combine 1/2 cup butter, peanut butter, powdered sugar and milk; beat until smooth. Spread peanut butter mixture over cooled crust. In a small saucepan combine 1/4 cup butter and chocolate chips; cook over low heat until melted and smooth, stirring frequently. Remove from heat; cool 10 minutes. Stir cream into chocolate mixture until well blended. Spread over peanut butter mixture. Immediately sprinkle mini m&m's over chocolate mixture. Refrigerate for one hour or until chocolate is set. Cut into bars. Keep refrigerated.

Pretty easy, huh??

I made a few of my own variations, substitutions, whatever you want to call them. I made one as stated above but I used mini Reese's Pieces instead and then I drizzled Reeses Peanut Butter ice cream topping across it (like those fancy restaurants would do). The peanut butter topping doesn't totally harden, but it hardens enough. I've made these cookies in a pizza pan...really neat serving idea, not so easy to cut though if you want to have smaller pieces. I have also considered using peanut butter chips instead of chocolate chips. You really have a good amount of flexabiliy with this recipe if you think about it. Crunched up candy bars. I'm sure there is some way to make the sugar cookie dough a chocolate dough. If you decide to make one, tell us how you did it....I'd like to know. I wish I would have taken a picture of the one I made last weekend in the pizza pan. It was so awesome looking!!

Happy Baking!!



Still not smoking

2007-08-20T23:02:53.786-04:00

I've still got a really long way to go with my "crisis" here, but so far the only day throughout the whole ordeal so far that I even thought of a smoke was last Wednesday. Not bad!! To tell you the truth...I haven't even thought about smoking the last few days. I just finished another week without smoking...I'm now on 1 month and 20 days...pretty freaking awesome!! I'm still having the wild dreams, but they do seem to be getting a little bit tamer the last few days. They just seem to have the recurring theme....Ralph protecting me. And most of them we are in the truck. He asked me what I was gonna dream about when he got his Jeep...lol I told him the dreams would be me driving it, of course...lol Yes, folks, you read that right. He's getting rid of our baby. :(

My kids are getting so spoiled with me having more money to do things with them. I'm taking us all out to the county fair this Friday night. We're going to the monster truck, tractor, and semi pull. I know to some of you that sounds so "backwoods hillbilly"...but that's pretty much how we are around here. The county fair is the biggest social event of the year!!hehe The kids went to a demolition derby with a friend of ours the other night. They still haven't stopped talking about it!!lol Of course, they are kids!! I'm just looking forward to a night out with my kids, my man, and his boy. I just hope that this hurricane induced rain we're getting right now goes away. Rain + Fair = Messy Now don't get me wrong, I'm not so girly that I'm afraid of a little dirt...but have you ever smelled wet cow stalls??? UGH!! There isn't much that is worse than that. That's air that is just a little *too country* for me!!LMAO

I keep reading all of these yummy things that Maggie is cooking up over there...my mouth is watering!! I did some baking last weekend for my family reunion. I made some chocolate and vanilla cupcakes, and then I also made these supper simple cookie bars that are made out of store bought, refrigerated cookie dough. Super easy, and oh so yummy!!! I promise to post the recipe tomorrow for anyone who wants to try it. Just be sure that when you make it you have a few people to share it with. These are so good they will pack a zillion pounds on you without you even noticing!! I know from experience!! :D

Well y'all...I'm gonna head off to find a new ringback or two for my phone...tired of the old one...hehe Plus maybe I'll help my mom get some ringtones since she just got her first celly.

Another day down....



New blog info

2007-08-18T00:03:35.576-04:00

Ok...I got my new blog set up. It's private, so unless I invite you, you can't view it. I have a lot that I could lose if what I have posted there gets out too soon. But while I'm going through this crisis I'm going to stay smoke free. It's going to be very hard. And I can't deny the temptaion I had Wednesday when I was offered one. But I resisted and somehow by the grace of God got past it. My mom joked that if I hadn't I would have finished off a carton, and started on another one by the end of the day. I don't doubt that for a second.

But anyways...it is late. And if I can, I want to see if the Sandman will visit me tonight. I hae been reading everyone's blogs...I just haven't had anything to say. My tears would have stained *your* computer screen...lol If you would like an invite to my blog...please email me at jaime.marie07@gmail.com

And another day is past....



Quick check in...

2007-08-17T11:57:41.456-04:00

I just wanted to check in and let you all know that I'm still a non smoker. And believe me, I had a day this week that if I was still a smoker I would have finished off a carton!! I'm going to start a new blog but it's going to be private...there are things that I have to say there that could ruin everything that I started to other day. So when I get it up, I will be sure to come here and post the addy for it. I'm still keeping this one for my Chantix journey...the other one is for a crisis in my house. You all will still be welcome to read it, but don't feel obligated to.

I'm in the middle of my 6th week now. I missed my night dose Wed. night. I found it in my pocket yesterday. Don't ask how it got in my pocket...I honestly couldn't tell you right now. All I remember of Wednesday is that my whole world turned upside down and crashed at my feet. Somehow I made it through without a smoke...AWESOME!!

I gotta run now...Dustin has a doctors appointment and I gotta get a shower yet!!

Another few days down (since my last post)...



Scary dream...

2007-08-13T00:20:43.018-04:00

I had the scariest dream last night...and it was a dream thank God!! I dreamed that I was in my bathroom, and I was upset about something, and I grabbed Ralph's pack of smokes and lit one!! O.M.G!!! I took one hit and then I put it out. I didn't like the taste of it. I know it was a dream cuz Ralph was in the bathroom doing #2...I know better than to even *think* about going in there when that's going on (in real life)!!LOL It was scary though to think that I was dreaming of smoking...but then it was cool that even in my dream I put it out after one hit. Part of the whole thing was my sub conscious at work...my ex got me real upset again last night. He was taking the kids, and me and Ralph were gonna go have a drink with my mom. Well, "the jerk" (that's what I call him) decided that he would just bring them home when he felt they had enough time with him (3 hours?? Come on!!!) and sit on my back porch and wait for us. Me and Ralph came home from picking up something to eat real quick and there was my ex, his wife, and the kids. So much for a little alone time with my man, and the drink with my mom. She was so mad when I called and told her that we weren't joining her. She kept calling "the jerk" an SOB...which is a lot lighter than I was thinking at the time!!LOL Well, in order to get "the jerk" and his wife out of here quicker, Ralph offered to take them home. "the jerk" decided to take advantage of it and make up all kinds of lies about me cheating on him ("the jerk") and all this other BS...Ralph was so mad about it all, but he didn't want to cause more problems so he just listened. But he did manage to make "the jerk" feel like an ass about all the crap he puts me through with the kids. And how he makes the kids feel. Hey, Ralph is a single dad and he makes time for his kid...why can't "the jerk"??? UGH!! Anyways...lol That's just a whole lot of anger, and I don't want to get into it tonight...So Ralph got to spend the night last night. I was so psyched about that!! Even though we had a little spat about all of the crap "the jerk" brought up...it was a great night. The kids fell asleep right after the game (we lost...bummer), mom was still out...so me and Ralph got to enjoy a little alone time...;) He just makes me feel so good (ok...we're back out of the bedroom now...so get your mind out the gutter here folks....LMAO)...I can't explain it. We fought a little about what "the jerk" said...but when it was all done we were laughing. It was so silly to fight over lies that "the jerk" was telling...but yet I had to make sure Ralph knew they were lies, ya know?? But that was why I think my dream was my subconscious...cuz I was so angry last night...and I did want a smoke...but I fought it. Then the other dream I had...our truck broke down (it's not running real good in real life), it was pouring down rain, and Ralph gave me his coat so I would stay drier, we walked to a shelter, where there were other people trying to stay out of the rain, and then he got directions from some guy and we had to walk through this tunnel...it was dark (in real life, Ralph is scared of the dark) and all we had was this tiny flashlight, and there were these HUGE spider webs in this tunnel. Ralph went through ahead of me and made sure to knock every web down for me. He's also scared of spiders in real life. I told him about these dreams and he also thinks that it was my subconscious at work. He's been protective of me lately...which explains the one about spider webs and raining. And I've been under a lot of stress due to "the jerk" and as I mentioned, stress is a trigger for me. I felt good today though. I slept so good last night with him here. I spent a lot of quality time with my kids today...Ralph was going to get his son today so he left this morning. We went to a family reunion and had a lot of fun. They were so worn out they barely made it home...hehe I just wis[...]



Life and Love

2007-08-10T23:17:45.606-04:00

I had a little time alone this morning...and I used it to lay in bed and just *think*. It's been a week of so many ups and downs...happiness and sadness. I spent two nights on my back porch drowning my sorrows with alcohol. One night was a "girls night". My mom was having a rough day, my girlfriend had a rough evening with her man, and I was missing Ralph and fuming over words my ex had said to me the day before. Nothing like an ex to really quash your sense of self worth, ya know?? That night, I do have to admit, was very hard for me to stay away from the smokes. I kept looking at Missy (my gf), and thinking that I wish I could have one of her smokes. I know that she would never have given me one. But I wanted one so badly that night that I could taste it. It was scary. The next night I was drinking I told Ralph all the things my ex said to me and ended up in tears. He was there for me, like he always is, making me feel better. That's one of the things that I love so much about Ralph...no matter what, he always makes me feel better about everything. This night I was fine without the smokes. No cravings at all. So I know that alcohol was not a factor in my cravings the night before. And I was not drunk either night. As I mentioned in the beginning of my quit...stress was a major player for me. Maybe it still is a little bit.Yesterday ended on such a happy note. Ralph called me at 830AM...which no one does unless the have to. He wanted to spend the entire day with me, even agreeing to go to therapy with me. This was a first!!LOL We had some rough storms move through here throughout the day yesterday...but as usual, Ralph was there to save the day. He even cleaned up a good portion of mom's house (how's that for a good man??)...he VOLUNTARILY did it too!! Another reason I love him! He took Dustin to run some errands later in the day...which was awesome for Dustin. Then the last storms that went through...OMG...ladies you will appreciate this one. We were on the front porch swing, watching the storm come in, and listening to it as it approached. When it got close I wanted to come in (deathly afraid of storms). Ralph pulled me over to him, put his arm around me and told me that he would protect me. Now if that isn't what he calls a "Lifetime Movie moment"...I wouldn't know what is!! The storm was actually really cool to watch...it was all cloud to cloud lightning. It was a beautiful sight. And a memory that I will cherish forever! I was folding clothes today...and it was so nice to smell fresh clean clothes!! Mom doesn't smoke in the house too much, so the house doesn't reek of cigarettes. I walked up to get the kids at the park again today and the walk seemed even easier than it was a few weeks ago. I'm feeling better at a month without a cigarette. It's really awesome!! And it's the littlest things that make me so happy that I don't smoke. I was just sitting on my bed showing Sierra and Carissa the purses and hair thingy's that I got them at Walmart today, and Dustin was showing me all the pockets in his new bookbag...and it was nice to do that without blowing smoke in their face, worrying about burning one of them, or worrying about ashes falling on my bed. My dry mouth is not so bad anymore. The dreams are starting to taper off some...but they're still cool when I have them. The gas though...OMG!!! This side effect has returned...and with a vengeance!!LMAO I cleared the room out earlier!!HEHE I know this is not a "ladylike" thing to discuss, but hey, we're all in this together, right??? If my mom was here when I did that...the look on her face would have been absolute horror and disgust!! I have problems with my stomach and I burp *A LOT*...she gets mad sometimes and just tells me that I should know better...lol I do know better...but when your with your fellow house mates some things should be able to slide!!LO[...]



ONE WHOLE MONTH!!!

2007-08-09T23:21:01.837-04:00

Yes!! That's right!! I've made it one whole month now without a cancer inducing cigarette!! WOOHOO!!! :D *does the happy dance*

On top of that...I made it through another hurdle...and to some it might seem like an odd one, but to me it was a good one. Ralph had lit a smoke, and one of the kids needed his help with something. Instead of putting it out, he handed it to me without even thinking. I held that cigarette until it burned out (kid crisis that *only* Ralph could handle...lol) and did not even once think of taking a hit!! WOOHOO #2!!! :D That's a huge hurdle for me!! It's just habit to hand someone your lit smoke, ya know? He felt so bad after he had realized what he had done. I told him not to stress it cuz it proved to me just how much I don't miss smoking. It showed me how strong I am already. He was very proud of me...and said that he's getting closer to quitting himself. YEAH!! :D

I got some pics today of Austin and Ralph...I'm hoping to get them added to my album in the next day or two. And though my mom doesn't know it yet...I'm taking off with her digital camera tomorrow and I'm gonna take some new pics of my kids, my man, and maybe, just maybe, even me and my mom. We'll see how photogenic I'm feeling tomorrow!!LOL My back has been giving me a somewhat rough week this week...but I'm doing my best not to let it get me down. I'm very highly medicated right now, so I'm feeling pretty good!!!LMAO But hey, if that's what it takes...then that's what I gotta do. I'm having lots of other issues right now that need my attention. If any of you have kids with an ex......oi vey!! I *so* feel your pain...lol Mine has been getting on me all week...and at times I did want to smoke while we were on the phone arguing...I have no idea how I made it through! But I did, and that's all that matters!!

A whole month down...

And yet another *day* down....



Rambling....

2007-08-05T23:35:07.501-04:00

I've been on the puter all day long playing in Picasa. Though not too many of my pictures are recent...I thought it would be cool to start an online photo album. Kept my hands and my mind busy...and I didn't even think about smoking today!! Pain is getting better...I got my meds last night. If anyone here would like to check out my handy work on my album, feel free....

http://picasaweb.google.com/jaime.marie.75

It's been a rainy dreary day here. YUCK!! I helped in a search today. There was a little girl from the next street up that disappeared. So me being a mom, I threw my jeans and shoes on and went with Dustin into the woods to help look for her. My mom took the girls down to the bottom of the woods, me and Dustin stayed up high. The little girl was found, safe and dry. I'm not sure where she was found...but that's not even important. As long as she was found, that's all that matters. It's scary to think of things like that. This little girl I think was 5 or 6....which would make her around Sierra and Carissa's age. I could not even imagine it...

But that's all I have to talk about today. I'm in a quiet and pensive mood today. Maybe that's why it was a good day to play with pictures....don't feel like thinking too much....lol

And yet another SMOKE FREE day down....:)



A little about my family...

2007-08-04T15:17:23.257-04:00

I'm sitting here today and I realize that I'm blogging, and blogging, and blogging...and I mention my kids. I mention my man. I mention my mom. I mention my life. But only as these tiny little snippets. So I'm gonna tell you a little more about my little world here in Southwestern PA.

~MOM~ Mom's going through a tough time right now. After 32 years of marriage, my dad decided that it would be "best for him" to leave and move to Dallas, TX...*without her*!! So my mom is going through a lot right now. Add to that the fact that me and my 3 kids moved in. She's not used to having kids around...let alone having to help take care of me again. But we make the best of it. I have the whole "mean and sadistic" remarks to make about what she should do to dad. Maybe cuz I'm younger...and well, in some ways, I've been there. She's not taking the advice yet...but I bet I'll talk her into something sooner or later!!LOL

~DUSTIN~ He is my oldest, and my only (blood) son. He's just like his daddy, rotten to the core. He is my "problem child" with the ADHD, ODD, and adjustment disorder. UGH!! But I love him to death. Thanks to Ralph...who was/is the same way...Dustin is a lot different now. This last school year was the first year he got excellent grades. He (usually) listens to me now. And he loves to do guy things with Ralph.

~SIERRA~ She's my oldest daughter. We nicknamed her "sunshine giggles" cuz no matter what she is going through or what you are going through she is always there with a smile on her face and a giggle in her throat!! She's so cool!! She likes to break her collar bones...she's broke them both in less than a year...lol She loves to fight with me over Ralph...she always says that he's her boyfriend.

~CARISSA~ My baby!! She is rotten, ornry, lovable, and crabby...all at the same time!!LOL She has a 'tude...that's for sure. She is very independent, but yet so very shy. She will never let a man hurt her...lay his hands on her...cuz if he would he better run real fast!! She's going off to kindergarten this year...man is that gonna be rough on me!

~RALPH~ My man!! He's my "cub" (anyone understand that??LOL). I'm also what is known as a "chubby chaser'...LMAO (See I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry and you'll understand this one) I love Ralph to death. He is my rock. He has never failed me when I needed him. He loves the kids to death...he even jokes that he could leave me but he would never be able to leave the kids. He has turned their lives around 180 degrees. I also love him for that!

~AUSTIN~ He's my buddy! He's the baby of the group in all reality. Ralph gets him every other weekend and he's always asking to come over here as soon as he gets in the truck!!LOL Him and Carissa are "dating" as we put it. They are always together...lol

~HOME~ I live just a little south of Pittsburgh. Ralph taught me all about football so I'm a huge Steelers fan!! I love Big Ben!! I'm at the base of the mountains...I can see the mountains even on a hazy day from my front porch. We love to escape to the mountains as much as we can. It's beautiful around here in the fall. Also, my mom lives on a dead end road and we have woods right next to the house. My kids are playing in the same woods that I grew up playing in....how cool is that!! I also have a younger brother who is married with 2 kids. He lives in Mississippi.

That's my little corner of the world. And now it's just a little less smoky....:)



Being held accountable

2007-08-03T14:00:00.839-04:00

After re-reading Stans' blog, and then all the comments I started thinking about being held accountable. How many people do I have that I'm held accountable to? And I just smiled and thought "Who am I NOT accountable to?"lol I tell everyone here about my struggles, few that they may be. I tell my mom how many days I've gone with hopes that she will join me on the "Chantix Journey". I tell Ralph...knowing that he will join me soon. I tell my kids that because mom didn't have to buy "x" amount of cigarettes, I now have "z" amount of money to spend going to the drive in or even just getting ice cream. I tell the pharmacist when I pick up my millions of prescriptions (did I mention she also stopped by using Chantix?). I tell my PCP every time I call them for something or the other (which with the days I've been having it's been daily calls...I bet they hate me by now!!LOL) I tell my girlfriend Missy...her and her fiancee want to quit. I get the daily calls from GetQuit. I hold myself accountable to everyone that I possibly can. I think that helps me to stay quit. I make it a point to have everyone around me know that I'm a quitter and that if I can do it, so can they. As Maggie mentioned yesterday (see her comment yesterday...gosh I wish I could remember how to do that whole link think...I used to be able to), with all the pain that I'm in...believe me, even though it was what lead me to the Chantix, it was also the demon chaining me to the Marlboro Menthols. Like all of you, I have my good days, and I have my bad days. For me, the bad days seem to be the one's that I'm in the most pain. I see that as a trigger. I know that stress is also a huge trigger for me. I don't know how "exactly" I get through those moments...but somehow I do. Sometimes I just set up shop right here at the puter and I vent on my blogs (here, yahoo, and myspace). It doesn't make it all go away, but sometimes it puts things in a new perspective. But I do know that if I didn't have people to be held accountable to I would NOT have made it this far without even a puff.

We need to look forward to the future. Make ourselves a goal. And hold each other accountable to attain that goal.

And so goes another day...



Frustrated today!!

2007-08-02T15:35:28.775-04:00

I'm so very frustrated today! I wanted to smoke a cigarette so badly. I could taste the cigarette. I could feel it in my fingers. I could hear the lighter. UGH!! I knew from the get that there would be days like this. So I'm here to ramble, b*tch, and moan...get it all out and then I'll be fine. As you all know...my back is trashed. Well today I went to an orthopedic doctor for my knee and shoulder that I hurt while protecting my back 3 weeks ago ( I took a really nasty fall on wet pavement and hit both my knees really hard, my right shoulder and my face....OUCH!!!). He's now going to try and treat my back pains. GOOD FREAKING LUCK BUDDY!!! I've been in PT for a month now, and I was starting to feel a little less pain. Until they decided to start doing traction on me this Monday. HELLO!! I'M NOT GUMBY!! So I'm in such an increased amount of pain that it's unbearable at moments. Right now I am so stoned off of my meds...but it's my only way to cope some days. But it's also one of the reasons I couldn't quit smoking. I want(ed) to keep that high that I get from my meds...so I would smoke even more than usual. I really want to light one up right now. Luckily my mom is at work, Ralph is not here...so therefore there are no cigarettes here. Otherwise I just might break my resolve and have one. I even threw out that stale pack I had hiding in my dresser drawer for those "just in case" days when I was a smoker. For now I am safe. The ortho I went to see earlier has now added a back brace to my already hated brace collection (brace for my knee and sling for my shoulder...which I never wear the sling!!LOL). I am wearing it....simply because if there is even a slight chance of it helping, I'm all for it at this point. I'm sweating, I'm hot, and it's very uncomfortable...but I have to give it a chance. Just like when I started Chantix...I had to give it a chance too. The best part is....and ladies you will appreciate this one...I never lost my "pooch" after I had my kids...so the back brace makes for a nice girdle!!!LMAO I'm really on this "get the toxins out of my body" kick. I bought myself a gallon of white peach cranberry juice to flush out my system. I know the meds are affecting my kidneys and liver...and I'm sure that somehow smoking was too. Plus...it's just plain good for you to drink some cranberry juice. I'm a huge Mt Dew girl....used to be a case in 3 days. But I'm slowly getting off the Dew. I drink a HUGE glass of cranberry juice every day, then I gag down some water (has to be Dasani...I despise tap water), I switched to Powerade instead of so much Dew, and I only have 2 cans of Dew a day now. I'm not sure what is bringing all of these changes on. I mean, yeah, I have a crap load of health issues (and I mean CRAP LOAD), I know that some of the things that I do are not good for me, and yes, I have a birthday coming up. Maybe it's all of that. Maybe it's the fact that I can't live life how most of you can...but if I can't enjoy it, I atleast want to be around to watch it. I'm even trying to watch what I eat. I'm sure that some of you are eating more now...and let's think about this...who really wants to put on more weight??!! I've been eating a lot of pretzels...and that's sure a lot better than cookies, cupcakes, and junk food!!LOL I just can't wait to be able to exercise again. I love walking...and there are so many walking trails around here. I just need my back to get a little better before I can do that. My kids want to take their bikes...Carissa just got her first bike for her birthday this June and can't wait to go ride it on the trails. Maybe, just maybe, this weekend some time.Does anyone else have stress as a factor for why you would smoke? I need some coping advice [...]



Three weeks!!

2007-07-31T14:36:31.622-04:00

That's right!! Three weeks since I last had a cigarette!! I'm so proud of myself!! I walked to the park to get my kids after their rec program, and this is the first time that I can recall not getting short of breath. And this walk involves going up and down hills. AH!! How nice it was! :)

So I was on myspace today...checking in with my friends. I mentioned to my best friend Erin, whom I've known since kindergarten, that I quit smoking using Chantix. Turns out she also quit with Chantix, as did her sister and her boss. She's on her own now, and she's doing great. That gives me great hope that I will succeed at this.

I noticed something last night. My mom and Ralph both smoke, and it doesn't bother me. But last night Ralph lit one up and I got this sad little feeling in my heart. I'm not sure if I was mourning the loss of smoking, or maybe it was because I want him to quit too. I didn't have the urge to light one up myself. So I know it wasn't a "gee I wish I could have one of those" kind of feeling. I just felt really sad. Like I wanted to cry. :(

The dreams are still with me. I don't seem to remember them as well some days...but the one's I do remember are definately worth remembering!! Some of them seem to tell me things. It's like my subconscious is working even in my sleep. The oddest one's are when I think that I talk to my mom about things...but then when I ask her she says she never said these things. Heck...I'd like to keep taking the Chantix long after I'm supposed to be done just to keep the dreams going!! lol

Hope everyone has another smoke free day!

Another day down... :)



Funny question...

2007-07-28T13:09:02.720-04:00

OK....so I got a question. I think I'm the first to mention this side effect...but it's kinda one of those one's that maybe no one really wants to...lol Anyone else suffering from gas???LMAO I've had it for about the last week, and let me tell ya, it's not funny. I'm a girl...I'm not supposed to fart in public...let alone around my man!!!LOL It's an embarassing topic for a girl to mention, but hey, we're all in this together, right??!! I just got some GasX...so hopefully the issue will be solved now. But it sure has been an intersting week with it...lol The night at the hotel...OMG!! I thought I was gonna die!!!lol My mom is finding extreme humor in the side effects I've been getting. She just loves to hear about my wild dreams. She asks me every morning what I dreamt about the night before...lol When I told her I now had gas she dang near fell off her seat from laughing so hard...lol She did warn me however that it better not mess with my "monthly visitor" cuz then I, in turn, will mess with hers (girls, you know what I'm saying here)!!

I know this was an odd post...but I just had to know if anyone else is feeling me on this one. The only reason I know it's not any of my other meds doing this is cuz I've been on them for so long and this just started about a week ago.

If nothing else, I hope I gave you a good laugh for the day. And I'm sorry if you fell off your chair while you were laughing so hard....LMAO



Caution: Anger Ahead

2007-07-27T15:26:26.412-04:00

I'm just in one of those moods today. After spending the night with Ralph the other night, and then going to the drive in last night with him and my son, Dustin, I was so happy. I was relaxed. I was calm. I was smiling. Then came the dreaded doctors appointment this morning. Let me preface this with a little background for y'all. I hurt my back in February of '06. Since then I have gotten worse. I have had numerous x-rays and MRI's. I have been to 2 pain clinics. I've had one nerve block (that did not work). I've been on more meds than you can ever imagine. I've been to a back specialist that handed me a script for oxycontin every month and sent me on my way. I've been to a chiropractor. My PCP is baffled at this point. Just 2 months ago they suggested I go to another neurosurgeon for a second opinion (I had went to one earlier this year that said he couldn't help me). Four days before my appointment I ended up in the ER because the pain was so severe that I couldn't stop crying. I had just had an MRI 2 days before that so the ER doc got the report. I have 1 herniated disc and 2 bulging discs in my lower spine, and one of the discs is dry so there's no cushioning. So ER doc already had me doped up on morphine at this point (and a few other things that I don't remember the names of), and keeps me for a few more hours "to make sure the pain doesn't come back". He orders me to relax for the rest of the week. Let's be real here...I have kids!! I go to my current neuro. I go in there thinking he's gonna see what's wrong with me and book me a bed in the OR the next week. Heck no....he sends me to physical therapy, wanted me to do another nerve block which I refused, and told me that he can't fix me. Not yet. So I go back this morning...I'm no better. Actually in some ways worse. So he tells me to continue the therapy and that he wants an upright MRI (instead of laying down, I'll be sitting up for this one). I have to drive an HOUR to get to the place that does this particular MRI. My goodness, it better be worth it!! He still feels that he can't fix me, but this MRI might say otherwise. I'm so mad. I'm so angry. When I got home I was still angry. I looked at mom and told her that I'm so tired of hearing that I can't be fixed. My great mood is now gone. I just want to live my life. Is that so much to ask? I want to be able to play with my kids. I want to ride the rides at the local fairs and still be able to move the next day. I want to be able to sit more than an hour without having to get up cuz my @ss hurts. I don't want to have to keep an eye on the clock and then have to remember what pills I have to take, and at what time. This really sux!! I actually craved a smoke this morning cuz I was so angry. I got through it though. On to other things now...I know I mentioned that things smell so different to me now. But this is the oddest thing that I could mention smelled good...a public restroom. You know how they use those air sanitizers? Well, this one at the drive in smelled like a Creamsicle. It smelled so unbelievably good!!!lol Here's the other one...and Stan mentioning about me living in a rural area reminded of this one from yesterday. Cow crap!! It's so gross!! There's a farm out the road from me that uses liquid manure in their fields, plus they have like 200 cows. For an entire mile you have to hold your breath cuz the smell is so bad!! Well, the smell hit me before I could take that big inhale. OMG!!! It is so much worse now that my nose works better!! My kids are definately reaping the benefits of me not smoking. If I was still smoking I wouldn't have been able to take Dustin to the d[...]



Day 16...I think!!

2007-07-26T13:51:58.331-04:00

I seem to hav elost count of how many days now. I went back to my (paper and pen) journal and the last day I mentioned having a smoke was July 10th. So I guess that would make today 16 days. And let me tell you, it has been 16 days that have been both a blessing that I quit and a curse that I quit. Ever try to move your whole house in one day (I tend to be a procrastinator) and then when you go to get the UHaul there is no money on your Visa? That was last Monday...the 10th I think. There was no money on my Visa, so I go to hand them cash and they can't accept it "cuz it now wants a Visa card". At this point in the day I was so frustrated and angry. My man had a little breakdown that morning and wanted his space. So I was upset about that to start with. Then the whole UHaul mess. GRRR!! I grabbed a drink at the store and soooo wanted to tell them to throw in a pack of Marlboro Menthols!! But I fought it off. I managed to get through that whole day without a smoke. I was up until 1AM still moving stuff. The next day I got the last load. Now, I just gotta go through it all so my mom can find her garage!!lolI finally got a night off last night. My BFF Missy took my kids for the night. God it was such a blessing. I needed it so badly. Because of my back I have pretty severe bouts with depression. Add not smoking, and my nerves were simply non-existent the last couple of days. In comes Missy to save my kids...lol So me and Ralph decided since the kids were gone, we would be too. Plus, I'm not allowed to stay at his house, my mom won't let him stay here. We got a room. We were gonna get a cabin for the night, but that didn't work out. (Ralph never needs his space for too long!!) I turned my cell phone off right after my kids called to tell me good night. Nobody but Missy knew where we were. It was so freaking nice!! Ralph broke his ankle a little more than a week ago, so I was playing nurse and gave him a sponge bath. In turn he ran me a bath with bubbles while I ran to get us some grub and drinks. He so sweet! I just wish he let that side show more often. But anyways... Ralph is a smoker. I managed to make it through the whole night without even desiring a smoke. If I'd have quit cold turkey I could promise you that I would have had a smoke last night. Chantix is really making this a lot easier on me. After seeing how strong I am, I'm pretty sure Ralph is going to take the Chantix road too. One more non-smoker. One less person supporting the mutli billion dollar tobacco industry! I've noticed that my sense of smell and taste is coming back. It's so nice to eat something and *really* enjoy it for the taste!! I live in a pretty rural area and it's nice to smell the fresh air. The rain is such a sweet smell now. I always have loved the smell of fresh rain....but I had forgotten how good it really does smell. AH...I'm tasting and smelling life again!! :)There's one side affect that has hit me the last week, and it is pretty bothersome. I have dry mouth. Sometimes my tongue will stick to the roof of my mouth. UCK!! So I went to the local Wal Mart and stocked up on some Jolly Ranchers and Life Savers. You know, when I was a kid life savers came in 5 flavors...cherry, pineapple, apple, lemon and orange. Now the have mango tangerine, grape, pina colada, and a few more that I can't remember the name of. Gee, how things have changed...lolIn leaving today, I hope that all of you fellow Chantix users have a good and smoke free day. And for those of you who used Chantix to get through the first few weeks but have now quit taking it...I also wish you a smoke free day.Another day dow[...]



So far, so good!!

2007-07-22T19:06:50.039-04:00

OK...so let me start this off with a little info on me...and why I quit. I'm a single mom of 3 kids...Dustin, SierraJo, and CarissaMarie. Yes, that is their given first names. No, I am not Catholic. I just like the names together...they sound good...lol I'm 31, live in southwestern Pennsylvania and I'm a stay at home mom. I would work, and have worked until February of this year. I have major back issues that you will hear me ramble, piss, and moan about a lot. It's part of what drove me to quit. Sierra has asthma. That's one reason. I'd always say, "OK..no more smoking in the house." Which was fine until that first rain storm, cold snap, or blizzard!lol I have "smoker's asthma". I've had it for about 5 years or so now. That's reason number two. Then, two months ago my whole world turned upside down and I moved back home with mom. A month later I made the critical call to my doctor. Out of the blue I had went from less than a pack a day to two packs a day. That's reason number three. Yes, I agree that stress played a large factor in it. But here's the biggest player. I hurt my back over 18 months ago and have been on and off pain killers ever since. I smoked more when I took my meds, that I did without them, but I never understood why. Then I made the call. I then went to the Chantix web site. I read. Cigarettes cause a high. My pain meds cause a high. I had to smoke MORE to keep the high that I already had from my meds. (This is my theory anyways!!) Well, just a few days before I made "the call" I spent an entire day in the ER because of my back pain. They sent me home with so many new meds...I was shocked. But I was so scared of the pain coming back that there was no way I was gonna miss a dose!! I took them babies just as prescribed. I was FINALLY taking my meds regularly. I was smoking a lot more. This scared me. A LOT!!So here I am on day 18 of Chantrix, day 13 without a smoke. I can sit in a car, be in a room, be anywhere around a smoker...and I don't even want one. I have had a few moments where I thought I did. But somehow I got past them. I can't judge if I had any mood swings, cuz to be honest it was "that time of the month" when I actually quit. I'm loving the dreams though!! They are so vivid!! They are so wild!! And a few times I've woken up and thought that my dreams really happened. Once already I had a dream that my special someone came over. Wouldn't you believe he came over that night??!! And I hadn't seen him in a week, nor had I talked to him for a few days. I called that my premonition dream. I dreamt last night that my mom's new neighbor got his water line tapped in. I told her about it and said that I bet it will get done this week. We'll see if it does. I haven't had any more problems than I used to have with falling asleep. I haven't woke up in the middle of the night. I had the slightest of nausea, some dizziness, and loss of appetite for a few days. But other than that it's been smooth sailing for me. I started to cough up a lot of junk the last couple of days. My chest seems tighter sometimes, but I figure I put it in there, I gotta get it out. And getting things out isn't always as easy or as fun as it was to get them in!!LOL I sent out a mass text the other night to all my friends. It was nice to see them all cheering me on. Most of them smoke too...but I think I might get a few of them to quit. I already have my aunt talked into doing the Chantix thing. My mom said she might try it, but she's not ready to quit yet. I tell everyone about how well I'm doing. It's amazing to me that now I can sit the[...]