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my mother

Fri, 07 Mar 2008 17:16:13 +0000

I remember when I was a kid and I used to give my mother a hard time and she would always tell me, "Just wait until you grow up and have kids of your own, then you'll understand." What she meant by this, at that time, and for many years I would not know until low and behold I had my son and I'll be damned, she was right! This is what I now understand: 1. There is no such thing as the perfect mom because we are only human. 2. Moms want to give their children everything but sometimes this isn't possible. 3. Mothers have to sacrifice a great deal for their children, but children never have to sacrifice a thing for their mothers. 4. Mothers don't get a lot of sleep and that's why they may be cranky now and then. 5. Mothers are the only people in this world who will love you unconditionally. Even though you may tell them you hate them, they still love you. It's really hard for me to admit this, but I told my mother I hated her on more than one occasion. And once I even told her that I wished she were dead. My mother, my dear, dear mother, who had breast cancer and still got up and worked so that she could afford to pay for my dance lessons and for my brother could take up hockey. My mother who even on her sickest of days could manage to tell me she loved me. I'll never forget the day when she almost drove us both into a tree out of frustration. It wasn't something I said, rather a sound I made - an aggravated sound, and a roll of my eyes because she was coughing and it was driving me nuts. Why was she coughing? She didn't have a cold. Could it have been the chemo? Something dripping down into the back of her throat causing this incessant coughing? I remember thinking it had to be from the smoking and that's why I was frustrated. Even when she had the cancer she didn't give it up. This was upsetting for me because I blamed the cigarettes for her illness and did why she didn't just stop. (She finally did agree to stop, and then two weeks later she died.) Regardless, whatever the reasons were for her uncontrollable coughing I wish I hadn't expressed disapproval or whatever it was that came out of my mouth and caused her to break down in tears and almost commit homocide. "I'm so tired, I'm so damn tired," she cried. "And you have the nerve to roll your eyes. You have no idea what I go through just to get through the day for you and your brother. That's the only reason I'm still here. Do you think I enjoy this - what I have to go through?" With every word she was becoming more and more hysterical and I was becoming increasingly frightened, which completely silenced me. "I'd love to just end it right now, drive this car into a bloody tree. You don't think I've thought about it? I think about it every day." Her foot pressed down harder on the gas, accelerating the car, and before I could even blink my eyes she had nearly drove us into a tree. And then the car screeched to a hault. We were on a quiet side street, just blocks from my house. She collapsed onto the steering wheel, crying, "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I don't know what I'm doing anymore....I'm so sorry." I started to cry too. I felt so awful. What was I thinking. She was sick. Why had I upset her. Now, if something happened to her it would be my fault. I was convinced. "I'm sorry too mama, I didn't mean it." "It's okay, it's okay, it's okay", I remember her saying out loud over and over again, as if trying to assure herself and me at the same time. And then she composed herself, turned the wheel to get the car back off the side of the road, and drove us home. When she died several months later, I did blame myself. And carried that with me for so many years. I wish she were still alive so that I could tell her now how much I appreciate everything she did for me. I was not her child by blood, but she everything she did for me, from the day she brought me home, told me I was hers and that I was loved. To have taken a six week old baby in that was not hers, well I know NOW how much work it is and I realize now how selfless she was. My husband has admitted to me on m[...]

goodbye binky

Sun, 02 Mar 2008 03:30:25 +0000

Today while I was getting a glass of water I heard the muffled noise of the baby screeching. Luckily the kitchen is only a few feet away from the living room where he had been previously enjoying a BABY EINSTEIN DVD. I quickly arrived on the scene only to find him hysterical, his face red, eyes closed, tears streaming down his face, pacifier jammed inside his little mouth and stuck. I managed to pull it out but he was shaken and inconsolable for a good ten minutes.Poor little bub. Whenever something upsets my son my whole world comes crashing down and I too am inconsolable. I felt like it was my fault. I should have been watching him like a mother hawk. He has been teething afterall and will put anything inside his mouth. I just had no idea a pacifier would fit!So that's it for the pacifier. I've been wanting to get rid of it for some time now. Now I have an excuse. My husband and I will just have to suffer through his tears for the next several days or so until he forgets it exists. ******I don't know if I ever mentioned this before but my son sleeps with me and my husband. We never imagined this would be the case, if we had then we would never have purchased a crib. BIG waste of money and space if you ask me, and very much like putting your baby down to sleep behind bars in a prison cell.I love co-sleeping with the baby. He has been sleeping with us pretty much the day he came home from the hospital. We started bringing him into our bed when he was a newborn and waking up to feed every two hours or so, and have continued co-sleeping because it just felt like the right thing for us. I love laying next to him, smelling his baby scent, hearing the sound of his breathing, keeping his body warm next to mine - no need for blankets. Knowing that if he wakes and needs anything I am right there. Naturally I was a little concerned though about the possibility that our little guy might fall out of the bed, so I did some research and invested in a BED RAIL. (NOTE: if you are considering using a bed rail make sure it is installed securely. Also roll up a bunch of towels or a blanket and fill in the small gap between the bed and rail to prevent babies arms, legs, or head from getting caught inside.)In the beginning I was afraid I would roll over on my little guy so we kept him in a SNUGGLE NEST. But then I did without this once he got bigger and I had READ up on the topic of co-sleeping. Despite how taboo it seems to be here in America, several countries outside of the US, including most of Europe consider this practice a natural part of mothering a child and have been doing it for centuries. I don't tell many people that I co-sleep because I always get the same response: "Aren't you afraid you're going to roll on top of your baby and smother him?"One of my friends started co-sleeping but told me she changed her mind after watching a talk show about a woman who accidentally killed her baby while co-sleeping. She likely was not following the RULES of safe co-sleeping. For example, sleeping next to baby after drinking, even if you limit yourself to one glass of wine or a beer, is a no no. HERE is an excellent article from Mothering Magazine regarding co-sleeping and safety.And speaking of co-sleeping, I don't think I'll be getting much sleep tonight though, regardless of whether or not the baby sleeps with me or in his crib, as we just tried to put the baby back to sleep without using a pacifier and failed miserably. He's now awake for the third time and pissed off like you would not believe. [...]

my past

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 20:57:06 +0000

I have a confession. My name is really not Rose Calderwood. I can't tell you my real name because if I do that I might have to kill you. The reason I have to use another name that is not my own name is because to use my real name would run the risk of destroying my life. Sounds pretty serious huh? Well it is. It's quite a bit like that new nailbiting show on Fox, "The Moment of Truth". If I TRUTHFULLY revealed myself to the world and really put myself out there, then I would run the risk of losing my dignity and my husband. (Anybody see last week's show? That marriage is clearly over) But unlike the contestants on that show who are motivated to divulge their deepest, darkest secrets to the world by the possibility of walking away with a half a million dollars, there is NO amount of money you could offer me to do that. To understand the seriousness of what I'm saying to you, you would have had to have read my first blog here on diaryland, when I was single and didn't care about the consequences of how one's past can come back to haunt you. You might be able to find some bits of my "past" here in my archives, but certainly nothing as revealing as that first blog I shamelessly started and shut down once I met my husband. The internet, afterall is a vast and powerful thing, keeping one's secrets alive infinitely. It's true, everything you put out there, from your emails, to your blog entries, whether or not you delete them or keep them will still exist somewhere in the internet's universe. So be careful, be very careful what you write if you are using your real name. My husband does not use the internet much, doesn't know a lot about computers. He comes from a small village in Greece and possesses a charming naivete because he did not grow up with a television or computers and stopped going to school when he was only eleven years old. You will not find this endearing innocence in American men. I love this about him. But he has friends. American male friends. Men that use the internet A LOT, and can you imagine what would have happened if I had ever used my real name while keeping a blog? All they would have to do is enter it in a google search and it would have been all over. I wish I could say I didn't care, that I was stronger than that. I am NOT my past. The past no longer exists. I wish I could say that I don't care if my husband finds out and can't accept it. If he can't handle the truth then it's his own damn fault. Right? Wrong. I do care. And it's not fair of me to expect my husband to "handle it". The truth, my truth, would be a lot for any one to handle. Even I have a hard time keeping the past where it belongs in the PAST, because on occasion my ghosts still come out to haunt me. I would like to think that I've forgiven myself for the things I subjected myself to for money. I can even justify it. Afterall, I had no support from family members and was sort of thrown to the wolves at a very young age. I learned how to survive, and sometimes that meant doing things I didn't necessarily want to do in order to "get by" or "fill a void". I guess the easy way of putting it is to say I slept with a lot of men. Sometimes I gave it away for free because I needed to fill some empty space inside of me. Sometimes I did it for money because I needed to fill my bank account and had no one to just give me the money when I had no job and no way to pay the rent. I was relieved when, in the beginning of my relationship with my husband, he pretty much gave me a pass on the past by telling me he knew I had one and didn't want to know about any of it because he knew he wouldn't be able to handle it. How he knew, well I guess men just sense things. Maybe it was my overconfidence when it came to sex, and my desire to try new things - which was for my husband at times a turn off. So I learned very quickly to turn it off. Or it may have been the alluring photos he found of me on my computer (Stupid I know, I should have deleted them before moving in with him). Whatever it was he[...]

attention please

Thu, 28 Feb 2008 21:47:50 +0000

SPACE as you can imagine is really becoming an issue in our little, one bedroom shoebox. Pre baby it was challenging to find ways to make room for all our stuff, but now it's almost unmanageable. Do you know we actually had to throw out our love seat to make room for the baby's PLAY YARD. Mind you it was cheaply made and on its last leg anyway, but if we ever have guests (which we rarely do anyway), there is now only one place for them to sit...on the sofa. So I was thinking today of ways to free up space. I'd like to ask my husband to build some shelves and I think we should invest in a tv mount. Not sure though how the landlord would feel about us hanging the television from the ceiling or walls, but I think it's an excellent idea. Maybe even put the one in our bedroom up too, give it the feel of being in a hotel room!Yup all the baby stuff is really taking over our lives. Although I have to confess I have become a bit of a product whore so that does not help. I love shopping for baby products, which is why I now have my own ONLINE STORE (via the Associate Program) where I promote and sell all things baby. Problem is I feel like a drug dealer who makes no profit because he's doing his own damn drugs! I just purchased the Fisher Price Rainforest Jumperoo from myself. I'm not sure how that works with Amazon, if they're going to give me the 4% on the sale or not. ****So how do you like the new changes to my site? If you're new to my site then you have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about. My other design was very dark and not very well organized. Unfortunately D-land is not in the least bit sophisticated. No blogrolls, no moveable type, no categorizing, no archive organization, no tags. If you want a comment box you have to pay for it. Finding a template for D-land with three columns was nearly impossible. Fortunately I stumbled on one by RP DESIGNS, then customized it. Thank you RP Designs!****So I want to bring a few things to your attention regarding my site. Yes I have advertisements on my site. Why wouldn't I? And if you don't, then you should consider it. Any time someone clicks on them you get paid. Seriously though, if you are a stay at home mom and you keep a blog you should go immediately to google and sign up for Adsense. This is a very easy way to make money. Mind you we are talking pennies if you're not a syndicated or highly read site, but every penny counts right? Additionally, CLIX GALORE is also a good way to go. You get to choose which advertisements you want on your site, right down to the size and style of banner. Also if you want to promote your blog, a great way to go is BLOG RUSH. They have a great banner that features free adverts for blogs. If you register yours will also appear randomly not only on your page, but other blog sites as well. A great concept. I would also like to call your attention to the left side of the page where I have an "I Recommend" widget for Amazon. I took the time to carefully choose baby products that I own, use often, and highly recommend. I am not paid to recommend any of their products mind you, but if any of you should be interested in one of the products I recommend and click on the link through that widget, and then actually purchase the product, I get a small percentage. *****Here's another thing you should be doing if you're a stay at home mom who writes in her blog on a regular basis and has decent readership. Join PAY U 2 BLOG. Out of all the companies out there that "pay" bloggers to include links in their blogs for companies looking for exposure, I have found that they are THE BEST. And they are not paying me to say this which is another reason I like them so much.*****I'm going stir crazy. I haven't left the apartment now for two weeks. I don't count my one hour outting at the doc's office Tuesday. I can't wait for the spring. I want to get back into yoga and am really hoping my husband won't mind it if I take a Saturday aftern[...]

All the things I Want to Get Done But Can't

Wed, 27 Feb 2008 21:07:15 +0000

One of the hardest parts about being a mother is not having any time for yourself. I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again, I wish I had more time. I just purchased three books and can't wait to read them: "A New Earth", by Eckhart Tolle, "Finding Your North Star", by Martha Beck, and "Healing Your Life", by Louise Hayes. Well it looks like I'll have to wait. I'm not sure when I'll get to them. Whatever free time I get during the day while the baby is sleeping is usually spent rushing to get done one or more of the following before he wakes up: blogging, dishes, cleaning, answering emails, paying bills, online shopping (for the baby), research for my BUSINESS, checking on writing assignments, online networking & phone calls. Unfortunately movies (which I used to love to watch) and books have to take last place in the scheme of things. I'll tell you why. You need focus to do these things. You need long stretches of time set aside so that you can delve in and not get distracted and miss anything of importance. I miss the days when I had that kind of time. Of course finding time for the other things is challenging as well, but I find that it's much easier to finish a blog entry, or the dishes, or email than it is to finish a chapter in a book. I try also to finish up things I didn't get to during the day, in the evening, but my husband hates this. I can understand why, given the fact that the only time he and I have together is the evening time. And the only time we have ALONE together is in the evening when the baby is sleeping, which is when I would most prefer to READ. It's not that I don't love my husband and want to spend quality time with him. I'm just saying that every night of the week should not have to be devoted to him. Otherwise I feel myself getting testy. I was always someone that enjoyed my alone time when I was single. You would never hear me use the word "bored" in a sentence. There was always plenty of things I wanted to do, and even when I was single I felt it frustrating that there wasn't enough time in a day, so you can imagine how I feel now dividing time between husband, baby and myself. Well if you're a mom then you KNOW how I feel. And if you're not a mom and want to be married with kids then you'll probably hate me for saying these things. In fact you'll probably even tell me I'm being selfish and shouldn't complain, that I should count my blessings. Well despite my occasional complaints about lack of time for myself, I DO count my blessings. I count my blessings every day. I love being a mother and a wife. Like the quote on my site says, "Being a full-time mother is one of the highest salaried jobs in my field, since the payment is pure love." ****** My husband is getting jealous of the my time spent on the computer. Last night after I put the baby down for the night I was desperately trying to finish up customizing the new template for this site and he kept distracting me. Honestly he can't handle it when any thing or any body steals the spotlight. I feel like I have two children. EVERY time one of my friends is planning to visit he either picks a fight with me before they arrive or during their visit. When my girlfriend came this weekend he started in on me about why I ordered pizza from across the street. Shot me a look like I'd killed someone and crushed my spirit. The weekend was shot to hell. This was the situation: my husband was sick all last week with the flu and was at the tail end of it when she arrived. He was sleeping all afternoon and into early evening and we were hungry. I didn't want to wake him to ask him what I should do for dinner. There was nothing in the house to cook so I decided to order pizza from across the street. Being that it was so close I figured I could run and get it while my friend kept an eye on the baby, and we would also save on delivery charges. I guess I should have seen it coming. He has told me before how much he hates the pla[...]

Things I Wish I Had Known Before Baby

Thu, 21 Feb 2008 19:12:59 +0000

I just received an email from Baby Center and noticed that Johnson's has a new AD CAMPAIGN, "When a baby is born so is a mother." Brilliant, I LOVE it! ***** Hubby is sick with that damn flu that's killing everyone this season. Still he gets up every morning without complaint and goes to work. I don't know how he does it but I wish he wouldn't. I plead with him to stay home each day, after making him hot tea with honey and lemon, and insisting that he drink lots of water. But he doesn't drink the water and he won't stay home from work. Last night while the baby was asleep we were sitting on the couch together watching "Superbad", me at one end and him on the other, and we both realized how long it had been since we'd last had sex. We're really missing one another. I know I've said it before but I had no idea that you could miss someone who is right next to you on the couch. How a baby, and all the responsibilties that come with caring for that baby can come between you but also bring you closer in other ways. And now he has the flu, so that really puts a wedge between us and the little opportunity that was already there to be intimate. This too shall pass. Baby is asleep now. Poor little guy, he really has lousy sleep habits. I can't just put him in the crib inthe daytime and expect him to fall asleep. Even if I give him the pacifier, he expects me to pat him off to sleep. He expects it because I've always done it. I just can't stomach the idea of letting him cry himself to sleep. I took him into our bed when he was just a newborn, so that I could sleep a little while breastfeeding him every two hours, and he has stayed there with us every night since. The crib was a complete waste of money. I have a list of things I wish I had known before I had my son. 1. I wish I knew that the baby would end up co-sleeping with us. Instead of purchasing a $250 crib, with a $200 mattress I would have opted for an AMY'S ARMS REACH co-sleeper. 2. I wish I knew that my baby would HATE being carried in a baby sling. I ended up purchasing the Peanut baby sling and a friend gave me the Maya. He hated them both. He was much more content in the SNUGLI EVENFLO CARRIER, which was a LOT cheaper and much easier to use. 3. The Fisher Price Papasan Infant Seat is just a SEAT, it is not a bouncer and will not calm or entertain your baby. It is overpriced. If you want a bouncher, the FISHER PRICE SAFARI SOOTHE N' PLAY is half the price and the baby loves it. 4. You do not need several "outfits" for your newborn because you will likely not be taking him or her anywhere for a while. And even if you do take them out, you'll like just want to put them in a pair of footed pajamas. Two piece outfits require removing the pants before you can change the diaper, which is a real hassle. Actually the best thing for diaper changes are the pajamas without the feet, you just roll them up, no snapping or zipping involved. They're like potato sacks. I can't find a link for them right now. 5. Forget the travel systems (the carriage and car seat combos). I purchased the EVENFLO AURA SIERRA travel system because it was cheap. Only to discover that opening and closing the damn thing is extremely cumbersome, and if you live in a small NYC apartment, finding space to store it is impossible. You may think you're saving money but you're NOT really because you'll find yourself wanting to invest in a smaller, more lightweight model later on. I have opted for the baby carrier over the stroller time and time again because it was much easier. 6. I wish I had known that most baby bottles contain a chemical that leaches from the plastic they are made from, refered to as BPA. There are a few companies that make bottles without this chemical. After reading several articles about this, I had to throw away the Avent bottles I had already purchased and opted for BORN FREE and ADIRI baby bottles. Both claim to be [...]