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Welcome to Señor Loro's Backstage Blog! It contains dish about what happens behind the scenes at my late night talk show and variety show where everyone's partially plastic!

Updated: 2018-03-06T01:31:39.329-08:00


Our Sesame Estree Audition


src="//" width="550" height="300" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen">Happy New Year and welcome to our latest failed attempt at stardom. Look, I don't want to say we're poor, but we haven't eaten in seven years. It's a good thing we're puppets and don't have to.Yet, in order to place some dough in our coffers, we worked as Santa's Little Helpers this year, which was a delight. I almost got an eyeball plucked out of my head by a toddler, but no matter, if all goes well, I hope to go in for eye surgery this year. I have developed a desperate need to blink. What makes it worse is that they tell me dreaming is free! As it turns out, I spotted somewhere that the classic children's series Sesame Estree, as it is called by Latinos, was holding auditions. Probably Mario Mariposa sent me the link, because he's a social butterfly, who delights in spamming everyone with his e-mail. Good news is we managed to get Conchita out of getting more surgery (she was thinking of going in for an overhaul), and pulled her into the studio for a quick interview/audition. There are even titeres in the new audition video from a new Steampunk series we're developing called AssClown and Titmouse. src="//" width="420" height="315" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen">  Whaaaaat-ever.... It's raw... Let's see your series...? I'm sorry, I'm edgy... I don't know if you know any birds, but that's how we roll... We're neurotic balls of feather.Chirping about Birds, we got pissed off at Duck Dynasty for talking smack about grey people and had to have our say about it.  Look, we're all adults here. Take that as you will. Certain people on Twitter wrote to us saying, we're stupid, because what duck means in Spanish doesn't matter. I don't think it's that it matters, as much as it is ironic.In a couple of years, no one will care about heterosexist comments and such, because we'll all be happier. I'll tell you why: Because there's great excitement en el aire about the fact that Netflix is like the new television. We want to put our show on there to stream to the Universe. Or maybe Hulu, YouTube, Booboo, YooHoo or any one if those baby noise named websites.Oye, if we didn't dream BIG, we wouldn't be in this business of making YouTube videos.But our collective Titere dream is to have our own comedy-variety show on TV, and now it seems more possible than ever.Mostly, because you don't have to have a network approve a damn thing. Amazon will stream any freakin' thing.First, it's all about budget to produce the initial 22 episodes. I know I've been talking about doing this Crowdfunding thing, and I'm gonna do it. Sure -- I mean, how much can we lose?Everything. Some people have told us that if our Kickstarter campaign fails, it will stay on there forever as a sad reminder of how your project ate it, because you didn't make your goal.I say, we're down so low on the totem pole, we can only win by losing. Having a website hold onto information about us is our great honor.We need someone to document our failures online, simply because there will be plenty of people who will be glad to document our success.Sesame Estree was a dream of ours too, we thought. I mean, I'm a parrot, all I know how to do is repeat...So the more I thought about it, the more I realized how to take what appeared to be this loss.Mira ~ I took everyone into our small conference room, with all our show-running three by five cards on the walls and our promo poster and all the good stuff. I had them all sit down and quiet down.There was an air of sadness in the room."I can't help but wonder if they're not ready for leechy Latino characters on the show... Is it what I said about Oscar? I thought that was statement of fact! ..." yelled out Ronaldo, as Conchita clutched his arm."Ay, please, don't worry about this everyone! I've been rejected more than a million times, and that's just by my own organs," shrilled Conchita."Okay, quiet down. Silencio!" I said.When everyone seemed to loo[...]

"This is What I Do" and The "Shit We Say"... to your MEMES


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Following popular online memes, we have created several of our own versions... Take for instance, the I AM A... meme... Here's one for "I AM A DIRECTOR": Here's "I AM AN ACTOR": Here's our response: I'm sure many of you have seen the "SHIT GIRLS SAY" videos:
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We're so topical & current, we hardly have time to be CLASSIC! Yours in Tweets, Señor Loro Parrot Puppet Host, LosTiteres.TV!

"HERE COME THE HOLIDAYS" - The LosTiteres.TV Holiday Song


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Latinas Orgullosas Awards


Complaints have surfaced about the Oscars having nominated all white actors, so we at LosTiteres.TV decided to produce our own awards ceremony! #OscarsSoWhite #Oscars
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Puppet Time Tonight


Ronaldo & Naked Bob team up to bring you their 1st podcast: "Puppet Time Tonight!"... Call in. No Stupid Questions! … The smart alecky puppets of LosTiteres.TV are stirring up the caca again! This time, Ronaldo hosts his first podcast con Naked Bob. Who knew he'd get in trouble with network execs for telling off a caller who questions his very existence?... Feel free to call in. Just don't ask any Stupid Questions!

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420 Time with Mary Juana


Mary Juana is a hermaphrodite pot plant whose main goal in life is to get passed around & toked. Craig has some curious questions.
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Tortoise & Hare - It's Complicated


A turtle and a rabbit, or a tortoise & hare. Or En Español: La Tortuga y El Conejo. In any language: Relationships are complicated.
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Happy Hálloween 2015 con Conchita & Pumpkin


#‎HappyHalloween‬ & #DayofTheDead from Conchita La Bruja & la Calabaza who hails from Calabasas, California. Learn awkward Halloween Safety Tips! Watcher Beware! ~ Foggy Satire Ahead! ~ Scream as Conchita horribly garbles Shakespeare. Choke as she scares the crap outta you with her many spine tingling immigrant Latina job stories! ~ Click only if you Dare! MuuuaaaahahHaHaHaaa! (cough)
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Jedi Jabberwocky ~ Fashion Do’s & Don’ts, Secret Vault of Jabba the Hutt, Star Wars vs. Star Trek


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Who did it better? … Isn’t that always the question with people? Who is better? Who wore it better? Who made it better? Who is The Best. That’s what people are interested in, and that’s what I’m gonna serve up. The Best of the Star Wars universe.

That’s why I’ll be tapping on Jedi Fashion in this week’s webisode, and calling out the folks that wear it well. You’re in for a harsh awakening when I tell you that I haven’t seen a vest worn so well as Han Solo does. And it seems to be a utility vest – like he carries contraband in the pockets!

If you’re going to talk about fashion, and design, you must mention the one star that gets mentioned in the same breath as Star Wars, and that is Star Trek. There’s always a Who’s Better Battle between these two Stars, and in this webisode, I settle the argument.

As you may know, the outfits worn there are usually pseudo-military outfits. You know that if yours is red, for example, there’s a big chance you’ll get killed, and soon. There are differences between these two, which are significant, and in this webisode I break down what a major one is – the act of beeming places versus sending a hologram version of yourself inside a robot to the person you want to reach.

The range of technologies and what they are able to accomplish is not the same in each world, and so I’ll make some conclusions that you have to see to believe, so make sure you watch it on YouTube multiple times for deep penetration. Finally, my Fashion advice regarding clothing is to wear a cape at all times, or whenever you can get away with it. Darth Vader does it, Superman & Batman do it, Thor wears one, Harry Potter has one of invisibility, so why shouldn’t you wear one?

Now, this doesn’t mean it will be in public. I support you only wearing it in your room while you’re home alone watching Star Wars. In that case, also accessorize with a Jedi lightsaber, even if you have to grab a broom handle and swing that around.

I submit to you that it will enhance your viewing experience. Unless you smash your favorite lamp or hit the TV, so be careful with The Force. Always be prepared for the unexpected, I say. So in today’s webisode I’ll also peek inside the Vault of “Jabba The Hutt”… Join Me!

Using The Force,
Mortimer Weasel Reporter,
Apprentice Jedi, & Flim-Flam Artist

Jedi Jabberwocky ~ Top 5 Strangest Star Wars Creatures, Jedi Training Camp


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Dear Space Tadpoles,

I don’t want the whole #Twitterverse to come at me, ‘cause I made fun of the strangest five creatures in #StarWars. Honestly, I’m not known to be an insult comedian. More of a truth-teller. It’s important that satirists like myself be society’s padding against hypocrisy, because some are up in arms because I’m telling it like it is with Jedis.

Am I going off on a moral rant about how much I should be allowed to make fun of other people? Yes, and I’m arguing that: a lot. Don’t worry about them, they’re so loaded from the franchise’s revenue, that I’m sure Chewbacca can afford a therapist. Who cares about therapy when You could be the one controlling minds…?

And that’s why I started a Jedi Training Camp. I’m going to combine all of the alertness training of a weasel with the Jedi prep taken directed from Yoda… Well, a drunk Yoda, when he thought he was actually performing in a sitcom. Don’t ask me how he knows what they’re like.

But he transformed a large part of the forest into a broadcast studio, making the plants turn into seats and cleverly using the bog as itself. You know those always make great sitcoms. The one in which the place itself is the star: the bar in Cheers, the 30 Rock building in 30 Rock, and here, The Bog in The Yoda Show.

He pretended that he had a sitcom where he would teach a schmaltzy version of The Force. Kind of like a Jedi version of Dr. Phil, where he gave me crappy advice and assumed I had a lot more strength of character than I really have…

But I did pick up a few things and I thought to myself, why not put them out in webisode form. I know LosTiteres.TV is always starving for fresh material that bites other material just enough to call it comedy. I don’t know what to call these webisodes, except dear to my heart. In fact, so dear that I have sent them to George Lucas himself in the hopes that he can bless them.

Can you imagine if Lucas himself saw these little fantasy shorts of mine? … Oh, how he would most assuredly scoff, and then turn and jump into a big pile of his money! I know that’s what I do after watching Every One.

R-2 My D-2,
Mortimer Weasel
Jedi Wit Warrior

Jedi Jabberwocky ~ Using the Force, Star Wars Clickbait & Jedi Foods


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Dear Young Jedi,

Today the session I have with you is about appropriate use of The Force. It’s not particularly good to go around and willy-nilly, decide to use it on people in “lift & choke” fashion, as in the style of a certain dark user of the force, who shall remain nameless. Ok, Darth Vader…

 No, look, it’s not about use of power, but all about the restraint. Holding it in when you want to strike out and to try and find a way to have a Disney ending to the villain in your life. It’s the thing where you get into an epic fight, but in the end, the villain is his own undoing – whether he falls into an open volcano, or into the jaws of an alligator, he does because he messed up, not because our hero did anything to them.

Mostly you should use the mental force of keeping your mind filled with: Recipes. I know you think that’s weird. Well, so is this mystical energy that we call Force. In order to keep that energy sustainable, we have to eat. And by eating I mean, the best Jedi foods that you can find.

In today’s webisode I talk about Jedi foods and unpack the idea that what you eat must be healthy, but also – if it happens to be in the shape of, or outright ‘look’ like a Star Wars character, it’s probably tasting and nutritious. You won’t believe what’s possible when you make Wookie Cookies.

Lastly, I know that People Magazine is where you go when you want the latest celebrity relationship and breakup news, but when you want the latest Star Wars dish, you know you have to watch my segment: Star Wars Clickbait. Sure it’s a bunch of carefully packaged lies merely created for your amusement, but then again, can’t we say the same thing about People Magazine?!

… And sometimes they even assume that we’re Blind. For example, this year, People's 2016 World's Most Beautiful Woman is Jennifer Anniston… I am only left to ask: Did you really sort through everyone? Do the good folks at People need bifocals? Not even the Jedi Force can help correct that assessment. Clearly the most beautiful female in the world is General Leia.

 Live from My Underground Burrow,
Mortimer Weasel
Jedi Master & Master Chef

Jedi Jabberwocky ~ Jedi Colognes, Star Wars Clickbait & Secret Notes of Yoda


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Fantastic Jedi Apprentice, How do you smell? And I’m not asking about whether you do it with your nose… I’m asking whether you smell good, or bad? …

You should know. You have to live with yourself. Well, you’ll be surprised to find that if you are unhappy with what you smell like, there are a panoply of new Star Wars themed fragrances that you could grab. Mortimer Weasel breaks down the latest scents. Perhaps you can decide you want to smell like meteors. It may be possible.

 Plus, you’re not going to believe the dirt that this weasel has dug up! The latest info about all the space faring celebrities you love is reported in the most distorted way possible in Mortimer’s most popular segment, Star Wars Clickbait, where the latest news is made up and then fluffed up with a batch of fresh lies and hearsay.

And no, that’s not all, brace yourself for the wise words of Yoda, as we uncover the secrets he left lying around his bog. If you look carefully at the video, you’ll see that the paper Mortimer reads from is literally taped to his hand.

This is because the words contained on it are so powerful and magical, that the whole crew was concerned it would fly away, unless we strapped it down. And then it would be a film about Mortimer chasing a post-it note, and that wouldn’t be pretty.

 So strap in and enjoy three minutes of a download straight into your brain concerning the amazing knowledge necessary for you to reach Jedi Awesomeness.

Soaring in A Meditative Pose,
Mortimer Weasel
Member of the Jedi Council E-mail List

Jedi Jabberwocky ~ Twitter Folklore, Jedis: They’re Just Like Us & Star Wars Spaceships Mechanics 101


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Smart Jedi-In-Training,

This is Mortimer Weasel here, ready to convince you that if you watch Jedi Jabberwocky, you will build the knowledge you need to use The Force. To begin with you need to read Twitter. How else are you going to find out when the latest Star Wars movie or action figure has been released?

You won’t believe the lengths to which I go to find out how to break it down for you in every episode. In this one, I do go back into the vault of old Twitter messages left by brilliant Jedi of the past. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, it’ll become a part of you…

 Then, I went undercover in a grocery store, a mattress store and a personal pool to take pictures of Jedi in every day situations. I passed on showing a few pics I took, because they were just too hard on the subject. I don’t want to get sued, so I refrained from posting my picture of Kylo Ren watching Netflix and eating pizza on his couch, C3PO regenerating, and a baby Ewok playing with a wayward Stormtrooper.

Amazing how things are not the way you sometimes think they are in this world. Right when you think spaceships contain the most difficult, intricate insides, I will show you how they are powered. Some people think; nuclear, others think – no, it’s the future, everything runs on solar! …

But hold on to your lightsabers, because I’m going to explain it all for you!

Yours in the Space Struggle,
Mortimer Weasel Jedi
Warrior of Underground Tunnels

Jedi Jabberwocky ~ Light vs. Dark Side, Star Wars Clickbait & Action Figures


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Powerful Apprentice Jedi,

 I address myself to you as apprentice Jedi, because I realize you are all in training to use The Force. It is something that is the glimmer of what is creative and strong in all of us. Today I have decided that I will reveal myself. I will “out” myself in terms of light and dark.

 Surprise, surprise. I am on the light side. Today I will analyze why. And take a very recessive stock of what is important to me to be on which side. Part of the reason why I think I maybe on the Darkside is a segment that I’m doing this time called Star Wars Click Bait, which is simply a way to get people to watch my show.

This new segment is so rich with trash from space, you’ll wonder if something will hit you in the face like Sandra Bullock in Gravity. It’s just a bunch of outright salacious lies I made up.

Kind of like what most politicians say about each other, except about space people and creatures. You will be agog when you see what’s in this webisode, I’m sure.

Burrowing Deep Into Dark Matter,
Mortimer Weasel
Jedi in Training

Jedi Jabberwocky ~ Cut Your Monthly Bills in Half Using Jedi Mind Tricks


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My Dear Friends & Weasels,

This week, I endeavored to try and decide what side of the force to be on Good side? Bad side? … Ugh, so tiring. But I did choose, and you’ll never believe it, I’m a good guy. Of course, let me confess, that’s coupled with my weasely ways, so don’t be too sure. One day, I may join the dark side, if only to experiment with being dastardly.

I called up the intergalactic phone company in this one, and I’m astounded to have to be the one to take notice, but Latinos are everywhere. This one had an accent thicker than Jabba the Hutt’s neck. She did bamboozle me, but that is because I have only but begun using The Force…

Pretty soon, I aspire to being able to use it to take eggs out from under chickens at night when they’re sitting in their coops! I will use it to burrow underground, by using my light saber to dig, thereby saving my sensitive paws! … And these personal motivations are what make me think there’s dark side in me. I’m arrogant, I don’t want to help others with the force. I have only intentions of helping myself.

And to that point, if I don’t get a freakin’ Award for this series then Quality is just something I don’t know. I have done investigating out the ying-yang for this. I’m so Jedied Out, I’ve decided to go commando.

Until we meet again, may La Fuerza be with you.

Yours in a Bog,
Mortimer Weasel
Apprentice Jedi

Jedi JabberWocky ~ 7 Webisodes Unpacking Star Wars, Being a Jedi, & The Force


Here, consolidated into one blog page are seven of the most probing Star Wars meditations ever put on YouTube. You haven't been primed on The Force, until you've seen Mortimer Weasel's new show, "Jedi Jabberwocky"! Seven webisodes dropped at once ~ which Quentin Tarantino refers to as the "Audacious 7". Why?Because LosTiteres.TV reporter, Mortimer Weasel drops more inside scoop and talks more smack about the Star Wars Universe than Kathy Griffin at a gay pride concert. Incredulous, you will be, when you walk away from these seven works of genius speaking in perfect Yoda grammar.Your body will be weak from attempting to dance when you try to match the new technique Mortimer introduces in his Jedi Training Camp! Alien, please ~ if you're foaming at the mouth like an Ewok in heat for such dishy information that the National Enquirer would blush to print, then you have to absorb all of the outing, smearing and outright slander in Mortimer's revealing segment: Star Wars Clickbait!Go ahead and walk through the wonderousness of pro-sumer special effects, into the magical world of Star Wars, as satirized by a sneaky little weasel, who harbors secret allegiances to Star Trek.Most people want powers of mental persuasion. Could you imagine if you could make people just Shut ... Up!? ... Or maybe make someone give you a ride to the airport, or pay for your meal at a restaurant? Well, these ideas are nonsense compared to the brilliance of Mortimer's attempt, which is to lower his monthly mental phone bills.  Jedi Jabberwocky ~ Cut Your Monthly Bills in Half Using Jedi Mind Tricks  allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="250" src="" width="450">It doesn't matter if you're big or small, we all play with toys. They can range from full on cars, to dolls or monster trucks. But what do all Star Wars geeks love? You know it: Action Figures. It's the subversive name advertising agencies gave to dolls for boys, so they wouldn't feel bad about playing with them. Mortimer has a ton of figures and he intends on hoarding more. Plus, would you believe he's having a hard time deciding which side of the Force to use?Jedi Jabberwocky ~ Light vs. Dark Side, Star Wars Clickbait & Action Figures allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="250" src="" width="450">Sometimes you have to look at inventions in perspective. At one point airplanes were new, and people would dress up to fly in them like they were at a fancy event. These days, everyone will ride a spaceship in ripped up jeans or a regular white shirt and leather vest.Dressing up has just gone to the dogs. Things change. So, whether you want to believe it or not, one day, even your favorite websites will be things of the past. Here, Mortimer examined what people will think of Twitter in the future.Jedi Jabberwocky ~ Twitter Folklore, Jedis: They’re Just Like Us &Star Wars Spaceships Mechanics 101 allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="250" src="" width="450">You know that if you had a book of Yoda's notes in your hand, you would devour it. Mortimer, did not find that book, but he did find scrawled pieces of paper in Yoda's trash that are quite clever. While digging in the trash, the thought occurred to Mortimer that how Jedi's smell is important when he came across a box of Yoda's favorite scent: Justin Bieber's fragrance for men, The Key.It actually comes with a small key, which Yoda then re-purposed by enchanting it with some magic that only allows him to open the outhouse that he has behind his hovel in the bog. It's tough livin'. No ru[...]

420 Time with Mary Juana ~ Hit #1 ~ Craig from Colorado


Mary Juana is a hermaphrodite pot plant whose main goal in life is to get passed around & toked. 

Craig has some curious questions.

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The Latinas Orgullosas Awards


Because ‪#‎OscarsSoWhite‬, LosTiteres opted to have our own ‪#‎Awards‬ for Proud ‪#‎Latinas‬!

#‎Oscar‬ ‪#‎GoldenGlobes‬ ‪#‎OscarNoms‬

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LosTiteres.TV The Movie ~ Part 6 ~ "Reunited And It Feels So Good" (The End!)


GRACIAS for reading our "origins screenplay"! Here is the Final Installment!**********INT. LORO’S OFFICESEÑOR LORO peering over his own deak -- now ALL THE PUPPETS ARE ASSEMBLED IN “PITCH MODE” AGAIN.MARIO-- and that’s why I think I should get to interview Charlie Sheen!MORTIMER WEASELCan we talk about how many Peabody Awards I’ve won? Stand behind me in line, I interviewed the Easter Bunny last year, and I’m legal!GENERAL HUBBUB.SEÑOR LOROAh, great ideas for segments everyone! There’s something to be said about being with our familia again. Feels right.THEY FILE OUT.MARIOThink about it bird. (whispers) I’ll even take some heroin on camera.SEÑOR LOROOkay, Mario, I’ll think about it... FLUTTER YOUR ASS OUTTA HERE!SEÑOR LORO closes the door, and leans up against it, releasing a big, lonesome sigh.SEÑOR LORO (CONT’D)Oh... I guess this is my life -- married to my work.MUFFLED MEOWS. He double-takes and walks over to the cardboard box.GATICA (O.S.)Meow.He opens the box, and out jumps GATICA.SEÑOR LOROOh, what an unexpected surprise.GATICAMy hero!She kisses him!SEÑOR LOROI would blush, but it would be redundant.He hugs her.FADE OUT.EXT. STAGE DOOR - DAYSchmedley shuffles out, and there’s a MOB of people waiting for his autograph. Among them is PRICILLA, his biggest fan. They see each other and fall in love at first sight.MUSICAL INTERLUDE, SCHMALTZY CLOSE UPS.SCHMEDLEYWhere have you been all my life?PRICILLAWatching you on TV!He hugs her, and pulls her out of the crowd.SCHMEDLEYYou gotta come by the studio sometime.PRICILLA(excited)You betcha!INT. STUDIO - BACKSTAGEEverything seems to be up and running again. THE NEWS GUYS WALK PAST as the CAMERA MOVES ABOUT.PONCHJimmy, I think we deserve a vacation after this much stress.JIMMYI think we deserve a union, that’s step 2.PONCHIf the Señor Loro hears you say that, it’s curtains for you.JIMMYI’ll bring the ACLU on ‘im, like I did last time when they discriminated against us as “little puppets”. That was step one.They laugh sarcastically.ANGLE - ANOTHER AREA OF THE STUDIO - A FEMALE REPORTER interviews BLUEBOX.FEMALE REPORTER... giving opportunity to people who are blue, like yourself.BLUEBOXYeah, blue people have been largely overlooked. Look, in my home world, we’re all politicians, so this is a step up.FEMALE REPORTERYou’re producing and directing different segments now?BLUEBOXYeah, but I’m totally a second class citizen in this show, but that’s a reflection of America at large.NAKED BOB walks past in a bullfighter outfit, and the camera follows him. He SHRUGS and LOOKS directly to the CAMERA:NAKED BOBWhat? ... I got cold.He walks past CONCHITA and RONALDO in the --INT. DRESSING ROOM - CONTINUOUSTheir son, YOYI, stands quivering in the corner. Conchita’s yelling at his father, Ronaldo.CONCHITAI didn’t tell you to take him to no Titty Bar, you sexist, machista hijo de puta!RONALDOYou said something that would scare him straight!... You’ve been PIMPING, how about THAT?CONCHITAI guess we’ve both been shady, but it was for a good cause.They embrace and make out. Yoyi covers his eyes. A TV behind them plays the first few moments of a new interview. We CUT INTO:INT. STUDIO - BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUSANGLE - As in the beginning, SEÑOR LORO sits in a director’s chair. BRONSON, our nemesis REPORTER is opposite him.NEWS REPORTERSo... Things have changed, Señor Lorenzo.SEÑOR LOROLoro. Señor Loro. (sighs) Yeah, everything’s different, yet everything remains the same. Kind of like Cuba after Fidel Castro stepped down.NEWS REPORTERAnd is Schmed[...]

LosTiteres.TV The Movie ~ Part 5 ~ "Fleece & Felt Boy"


INT. STAGE - “THE SCHMEDLEY SCHPARKY SHOW” - CONTINUOUSSchmedley is licking his lips, eating fries dipped in chocolate.SCHMEDLEYNow, Don Cabeza de Papa was cooked at a 350 degree heat, and covered with a special Schmedley Schparky sauce. He was then dipped in schocolate.ANGLE - JUST OFF-STAGE - DOÑA CABEZA DE PAPA WEEPS.EXT. OUTSIDE - BRICK BACKGROUND - DAYConchita paces, holding a cell phone. CLICK, then ELEVATOR MUSIC. She sighs.CONCHITAI can’t believe this, the Chilean militia is outsourcing it’s underground hotline to India.CLICK.CUCO(filtered)Hallo.CONCHITACuco! Es Conchita! Necesito un VAN. NEGRO. GRANDE... GRANDISIMO! Okay?... PRONTO! EN CINCO MINUTOS! INT. STAGE - “THE SCHMEDLEY SCHPARKY SHOW” - CONTINUOUSAs he wraps up his eating...SCHMEDLEYJoin us next week when we’ll see what’s erotic about schocolate with our next guest, the Morton Salt Girl, ‘cause rumors I’ve been dating her are true, and she likes to lick the parts of me that taste salty. See you next time, and remember -- all the previous jokes have been 99% fat free!BLUEBOXAaaannndddd we’re off the air...SCHMEDLEY ambles off the set.SCHMEDLEYHave a wonderful day everyone! You’ve all really been lovely to spend the day with. I’ll play with you tomorrow!HUMANS who work as janitors around the set, SNEER at SCHMEDLEY as he walks out. Everyone HATES HIM.ANGLE - LORO sees SCHMEDLEY head for the double doors to exit the studio.SEÑOR LOROSchmedley, I wanted to say -- oh, never mind.As Schmedley opens the double doors triumphantly, they STAY OPEN -- as a BLACK VAN PULLS UP IN FRONT OF SCHMEDLEY.TWO PUPPETS and TWO HUMAN ACCOMPLICES IN BLACK FROM HEAD TO TOE coordinate to OPEN THE VAN, and GRAB SCHMEDLEY.They THROW HIM INTO THE VAN with a THUD.VAN DOOR CLOSES.ANGLE - LORO sees all of it go down... GATICA suddenly appears behind him.GATICAWhat? Something wrong?SEÑOR LORONo, nothing at all. As of now, it may just be going right.INT. VAN - DAYCONCHITA’s driving.MARIO, and NAKED BOB pull the black stockings off their heads.SCHMEDLEY struggles -- all tied up.SCHMEDLEYWhat’s going on?MARIOI can’t believe how weak you are.SCHMEDLEYI took kara-te! I’ll kill you! I’ll crucify you! I’ll tell my dad on youuuuuuu!NAKED BOBWhen a butterfly can hold you down, Schmedley, you know you gotta hit the gym.SCHMEDLEYI don’t have time for that or THIS!NAKED BOBI predict you’ll have a heart attack before 15.MARIOIf we’re lucky.SCHMEDLEYWhat are you gonna do to me?CONCHITAGuerilla war tactics on political prisoners.SCHMEDLEYYou’re shit outta luck ‘cause I don’t have nails on my fingers.INT. HUMAN NEWSROOM - EVENING NEWSNEWS REPORTERSchmedley on a binge or kidnapped?IMAGE: SCHMEDLEY APPEARS BEHIND HIM.NEWS REPORTER (CONT’D)A recent sighting indicates that Schmedley Schparky of Schocolate fame has been abducted. We’ve received e-mails from several witnesses in the greater Dade County area, who have seen him coming in and out of some shady puppet neighborhoods.INT. GIRL’S BEDROOM - NIGHTAn UGLY GIRL who looks kind of like SCHMEDLEY, dressed as a princess watches the report on TV, and talks back to it.PRICILLASchmedley, this FAN LOVES YOU! She goes to her window.PRICILLA (CONT’D)If you’re out there, I‘m thinking of you!... Unless you’re out on a binge, which should be fun.INT. MARY JUANA’S REAL SHACK - NIGHTSchmedley’s BLINDFOLD comes off, and he looks around the shack, set up like a HYDROPONICS LAB. SMOKE fills the air.MARY JUANABreathe deeply. This is your JOURNEY INTO LATINO-NESS.SCHMEDLEY(his eyes red)Ah[...]



allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//" width="420">  Dear People Who Read Blogs, Welcome back to Señor Loro's Backstage Blog, where you find out the backstage dish on what went on behind the scenes at LosTiteres.TV!Mortimer Weasel called me in early April talking about the fact that he didn't have a guest for his yearly Easter interview. Turns out, the former Easter bunny had been turned into chocolate, and the new one was being considered for a SAG commercial for condoms, and so he was out. I backed Mortimer against the back of my office wall one Monday morning earlier this month, and I said: "You are going to dress up as the Easter Bunny and do this Yourself!" He protested, but I continued, "What are we going to do? Close down the show? Stay in hiatus permanently?! ... Look, we've got blog entries coming out with our screenplay sections till the end of the year, but we can't rest on that! We need to put shit out on Twitter and YouTube or everyone will forget about us!" "Forget?!" yowled Mortimer. "How about meet? ... People don't know about us! My last upload got 14 views!" So I urged him to do a thing about SELFIES. In this modern age, you don't need anyone to watch you! You can just watch yourself. For goodness sake, we can even be our own photographers! He may be a Weasel, but he does listen to advice: SELFIES allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//" width="420">In addition, I said, "Why don't you try some stand-up? You know, just riff off the Hot Topics of the day?... And here's what he pulled from behind his fake rabbit ears.  allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//" width="420">Look, I'm not Fidel Castro, I'm no tyrant, but I know how to produce this show, and keep it running. My motto is: BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY, which is the same motto as Malcolm X, and I'm proud of that... Not that I'm an aggressive parrot, nor that I would actually execute any means necessary, but I like to say it, because it makes me sound tough, assured and in charge. This is largely what I'm not. Till la promixa vez! Feliz Easter and Happy Pascuas! Your Red Bird of Resurrection, Señor Loro Parrot Producer, LosTiteres.TV*******[...]

LosTiteres.TV The Movie ~ Part 4 ~ "Corporate Take-Over!"


WHITE NOISE TURNS INTO AN EMBOSSED VERSION that comes out of the noise -- very HBO-like.INT. MONTAGE - OPENING GRAPHICSA REVAMPED OPENING THEME SONG PLAYS. Now, all the characters are jaunting around, as in the opening of any television show, except the SCHMEDLEY SCHPARKY SCHOCOLATES LOGO is everywhere the eye can wander.CUT TO:INT. STUDIO - DAYSTANDING BEFORE GLITTERY, GLITZY CURTAINS with a GIANT SCHMEDLEY FACE/LOGO, SEÑOR LORO appears to great APPLAUSE and LAUGHTER as any late night comedian or talk show host would.SEÑOR LOROHahahaha, thank you! Thank you so much! MUCHAS GRACIAS!STANDING OVATION from the AUDIENCE -- clearly out of their minds with joy.SEÑOR LORO (CONT’D)Sit down! Please. Sientense! Que bueno que estan aqui con nosotros! So nice to have you along with us today! Our show today is spelled with a SCH. SCHOW. Take a look at the cue card there!WE SEE THE CUE CARD. HE’s RIGHT, OF COURSE ... LAUGHTER.SEÑOR LORO (CONT’D)As I’m sure you’ve all read in the current issue of PEOPLE magazine, we’re not people, we’re puppets. And as Latinos, Titere-Americans as I like to say. APPLAUSE.SEÑOR LORO (CONT’D)Thank you, I coined that! But now that we’re being sponsored by a major corporation, hooking us up with this set decoration -- which is off the chain -- I suppose they own Titere-Americans, ‘cause I said it on their airtime! Damnit!LAUGHTER. APPLAUSE. A STRONG WHISTLE. WOO!SEÑOR LORO (CONT’D)Now, not for nothin’ -- today I bought me a Double Decker MUCHO COCOA SCHMEDLEY SCHPARKY SCHOCOLATE BAR. (HE HOLDS UP A BAR.) It made me feel energized and slightly patriotic...THE ALL-HUMAN AUDIENCE NODS TO ITSELF: “HMMM... INTERESTING.”SEÑOR LORO (CONT’D)Eating Schmed -- Hol -- Hold on a moment. Let’s, uh, put down the cue cards. I can’t do this... This is -- I usually do a comedy monologue at the opening of the show, but this is not the one I wro --SCHMEDLEY PEERS SUDDENLY FROM BEHIND THE CURTAIN.SCHMEDLEY(WHISPERS)Do it, asshole, it’s funny!INT. OFF-CAMERA IN “THE WINGS” - CONTINUOUSCONCHITA watches with BLUEBOX, RONALDO, MARIO, and NAKED BOB.CONCHITAWhat has this pajaro maricon gotten us into? This faggot bird is gonna get us into a deeper hole than the one that got torn into me when I fucked Milton Berle. RONALDOYou fucked Milton Berle?CONCHITANo, honey that was just a joke. Ha. Ha...MARIOI had no idea Señor Loro was “family”.GAY MEXICAN MARACA #1I think he’s on the down-low.GAY MEXICAN MARACA #2Sí.INT. STAGE - “SHACK SET” - CONTINUOUSTaping before a blue screen is MARY JUANA with a few potted plants, and a set that looks like the interior of a small shack you’d have in the back yard. As she speaks, SCHMEDLEY LOOKS THROUGH THE WINDOW.MARY JUANAAs I always say, it’s better to eat me than to smoke me -- and that’s why today, on Mary Juana with da 420, we’re giving you the 411 on making pot brownies with cheap brownie mix from your local bodega.SCHMEDLEY barges in --SCHMEDLEYWith her very special guest star, SCHMEDLEY SCHPARKY!AUDIENCE APPLAUDS.MARY JUANAUh -- am I totally high, or did that just happen...?SCHMEDLEYYes, it did you silly puppet hermaphrodite plant. MARY JUANAWhaaa..??SCHMEDLEYI think we should tell everyone we’re using SCHMEDLEY SHPARKY SCHOCOLATE BROWNIE MIX, it’ll make all the brown stuff taste a little more white and freckly.INT. MR. SCHPARKY’S OFFICE - DAYSchmedley’s father watches him on TV.MR. SCHPARKYHahahahahahaa! This is fantastic! Way to go son, [...]

LosTiteres.TV The Movie ~ Part 3 ~ "DO WHAT I SAY!"


INT. LORO’S OFFICE - DAYLoro is sitting at his desk, looking depressed and horrified, as his CAST OF PUPPETS walk in nonchalantly and take seats before him.SEÑOR LOROWhat is going on?THEY CONTINUE a general CHATTER, pitching each other sketch ideas.SEÑOR LORO (CONT’D)What are you doing here?Suddenly everyone stops talking, except:MARY JUANAAnd I said to him -- I don’t care if you get me high I’m still not gonna let you touch the leaves on my inner thigh!... Oh sorry.Mario takes the room, before Loro’s desk.MARIOI hereby call to order our pitch meeting. We begin with... Me. I have been wanting to do a piece on Amy Winehouse since 2007 --CONCHITAI hate to break it to ya, but --SEÑOR LOROSILENCIO!MARY JUANAWell, you don’t gotta get agro.SEÑOR LORODidn’t -- didn’t you people just watch the news broadcast?MURMURS of NEGATORY.CONCHITAI was actually fixing my make-up.SEÑOR LOROI saw you all there, lurking!RONALDO(sing-songy, condescending)But that doesn’t mean we’re liiiisteniiiing!SEÑOR LOROWell, here it is... THERE’S NO SHOW. SE ACABO EL ESPECTACULO. No mas. No mas show! No hay dinero. No funding! No money. SHOW’S OVER!MARY JUANAPlus, the FCC says we’re gross. I’m so stressed, I just wanna set myself on fire.NAKED BOBI’d be into that.SEÑOR LOROMary stop smoking yourself.MARY JUANASMOKING? ... Are you crazy?! I EAT MYSELF.CONCHITAOkay, that’s T.M.I.SEÑOR LOROGET OUT! ALL OF YOU! I don’t need to be loved, I need to be respected!MURMURS of RESENTMENT AS THEY LEAVE...NAKED BOB-- doesn’t have to be a dick about it if we just wanna get high.LORO SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT. Leans and breathes a sigh against it.He saunters, barely able to lift his depressed feet, over to his desk. He opens the top drawer, takes out a yellow legal pad. His red, feathered index finger traces the words:    SEÑOR LORO’S “TO DO LISTA #1”1. INTERVIEW ON LIVE TELEVISION2. SUCCESS! ... IF NOT, GO TO STEP 3:3. KILL MYSELFA REVOLVER shines in the drawer. He tosses the list in the air, grabs the gun, and holds it dramatically before him. Looks out the window, thinks about it.INT. PRODUCTION STUDIO - HALLWAY - DAYTHE PUPPETS have now gathered in the hallway.CONCHITAI don’t know why he’d cancel the show just because he doesn’t like my show.MARY JUANAWe all love your shoooow!MARIOThat bitchy bird, direct descendants of the dinosaurs.NAKED BOBWhat’s prehistoric about that bird is he never lets anyone put in an idea!RONALDOHe reminds me of dictators I’ve known.CONCHITAThat’s why I quit writing for Saturday Night Live.ACROSS THE HALL, there’s a MYSTERIOUS SHADOW lurking.WE TRACK closer to make out it’s someone short and stout, wearing a FEDORA HAT. Film noir style lurking in the distance. INT. LORO’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUSLoro is holding the gun to his head. It CLICKS.SEÑOR LOROIt didn’t come with bullets, what a jip.PHONE RINGS.SEÑOR LORO (CONT’D)I suppose I should answer that...Loro watches it ring again, then SIGHS and presses the speaker button.SEÑOR LORO (CONT’D)Hola, Señor Loro hablando. How may I direct your insult?INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUSIn the darkness, we can now make out it’s SCHMEDLEY’s shadow under the Fedora. He’s talking on a cell phone.SCHMEDLEY(filtered)You wanna save your show?INT. LORO’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUSSEÑOR LOROTotally...WHITE NOISE...SEÑOR LORO (CONT’D)Fidel, is that you?SCHMEDLEY(filtered)Who’s Fidel?SEÑOR LORORaul?SCHMEDLEYThis is Schmedley Schpark[...]

Felíz President's Day!


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Felíz President's Day!

I ran for Latino puppet prez in '08. My slogan: "I'm a Puppet & I Admit It!". 

Distant ties to Castro brought me down, although I was Red, White & Blue in the face from squawking all day. 

Run against Hillary in '16? I don't think I have the feather covered balls.

Señor Loro
Puppet Presidential Candidate - FAIL