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Gatekeeper to the Theater of the Absurd



Updated: 2015-08-20T01:00:00.658+01:00

 



Oh Bibi, you marvellously miscreant asshole

2009-08-03T01:00:08.397+01:00

What the motherfucking fuck? Why is this piece of news not making the headlines? Commentary on this is redundant.



Damn you Google Translate...damn you to our sa7at

2009-07-13T09:58:57.724+01:00

Ladies and Gentlemen (or shall I say borthers and sisters?), I give you Dr. Sabri Irbeihat, the 'Jordanian Minister of Culture', or, as he likes to put it the Chairman of the Executive Committee of the Supreme Jordan?):

(image)

Lest you succumb to asphyxiation due to the lack of a cogent thought, I give you the last paragraph again… not because I am half sadistic, but because I believe in the inherent positivity attained if we all shared the same level of what the fuckness:

“Once again we invite you to participate in and enjoy the cultural advancement of the status of which are to foster our development and the pursuit of Jordan seeks to accelerate the pace of rescue.”

Centuries will have passed before civilization begins to comprehend what Irbeihat, the Jordanian Minister of Culture, truly meant when he said “…to accelerate the pace of rescue.” I salute you Minister, for I do not understand what the fuck you smoked.



On Labeling, Classifying, and Self Championing

2009-06-27T11:49:33.713+01:00

Dear Neo-Imbecile,

The sub-culture you so lackadaisically created on the milieu of rigid social norms was originally based on a yearning to do, act, dress, and believe what you like, no matter how disparaging it would be to your affluent suit donning uncle down the street. Nowadays, I find you locked in your narrow set of preferences, your style and mannerism so tightly restrained by the perception of other neo-imbeciles around you. Restrained. The word you used to justify your cessation from conventional society has finally entered the lexicon used to describe you. Armored by your insecurity, decorated with your labeling de jour, your adulation of the ‘different’ reeks with pathetic self-proclaimed elitist exclusion. You speak pejoratively of social climbing, yet you do not realize that your words are means for your own hike upon another arbitrary ladder, you hypocritical infant. You vie to discover ‘real’ folk to pacify the suspicion that you are but another banal manufactured nobody in this, most epic of cosmic jokes.
Speak to yourself in introspection once in a while; you might discover that it is all meaningless, and nothing but a counterfeit. Maybe then you will exceed the mental capacity of a sun-dried tomato. Until then, do not approach me you toxic sack of boredom.



Do Not Feed The Animals

2009-06-04T13:37:52.687+01:00

And just as the air became brisk, and the moonlit grounds filled my heart with summer bliss, the seemingly ubiquitous Moderately Religious Arab (MRA) struck again to fuck it all up… In this episode, the MRA was a scantily clad Jordanian Christian man donning the latest acid-burnt Diesel low cut denim, and a plain white slim fit shirt whose sublime designery had its thunder forlornly usurped by a blasphemously large golden cross in the pectoral area. An innocuous joke by Godot - about how Jesus would have died with his palms facing the other way had he known the quantity of tear evoking succulent cleavages he would be resting upon in a millennia’s time - seemed to have sparked yet another vastly uninformed religious debate amongst the seated few. My holier than thou sigh was brusquely interrupted by MRA’s intimation that the letter of the Bible is EXCLUSIVE to messages and anecdotes of “peace, tolerance and equality.” This man has unmistakably missed a few lines, but we’ll blame that on the Russian Standard. While I recognize the abundance of peaceful messages in the Bible, as I do the Torah and the Koran, you my dearest of casual Christians must recognize the symmetrical abundance of hateful stone-age rhetoric as well. Allow me to share a few snippets of your concord mongering as you lament the best possible way to present me with your other cheek:On fear, intimidation and death by stoning. What’s with monotheism and stoning man?“Then he is to be stoned to death by all the men of the town: so you are to put away the evil from among you; and all Israel, hearing of it, will be full of fear.” Deuteronomy 21:21On homosexuality and tolerance, couldn’t you have done away with all the graphics?“If a man also lie with mankind, as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be on them.” Leviticus 20:13On women’s rights and eternal slavery, sounds like working on the Johnny Depp’s Flying Dutchman:"Whenever a man sells his daughter into slavery, she will not go free the way male slaves do.” Exodus 21:7On working during the Sabbath, didn’t leave much room for interpretation there:"For six days work may be done, but on the seventh day you shall have a holy day, a sabbath of complete rest to the Lord; whoever does any work on it shall be put to death.” Exodus 35:2The list goes on, but as this page is dedicated to the inanity that plagues our planet, I leave you with my favorite verse from Corinthians:“Does not even nature itself teach you that if a man has long hair, it is a dishonor to him.” Corinthians 11:14JESUS H CHIRST! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Tickle my testes and call me Suzy! What happened to the simple yet effective “son, go get a haircut”?With Islam in the increasingly widening crosshairs of the war on happiness, instead of a collective shift away from social forms of religion, it seems as though Christians in the Middle East are taking the opportunity to capitalize on their millennia-old PR campaign. It’s much like the I-hate-Republicans-due-to-Bush-therefore-I-will-vote-for-anything-else-that-can-breathe (or the IHRDBTIWVFAETCB) campaign that Democrats in America waged in recent times. Bad analogy I know, but I’ve wanted to say that for months now. So my unapprised Moderately Religious Arab who happened to be a Jordanian Christian this episode, read the Biblical Scripture (and whatever other holy scripture your heart may desire), not for moral code, but because we need more skeptics out there, and nothing gets you there faster than reading those books.[...]



We Don't Need No Thought Control

2009-06-04T09:54:03.413+01:00

Finally, this whole separation barrier conspiracy begins to unfold. The whole thing you see, is an elaborate Zionist plan to get Pink Floyd back on stage. Seriously though, does it bother anyone else that Roger’s offer sounds more enticing than anything else we’ve heard so far?



Magic to Fairytale is Like Miracle to Religion

2009-06-02T11:45:25.085+01:00

Faith is a tricky matter for the average thinker. It is very akin to the offspring you get when Mindfuck gets Catch-22 wasted on tequila shots, smokes some meth, and has children thereafter. On the one hand, a relative increase in faith can, for instance, be explained by logic as a dire situation that leaves one with nothing but the power of the unknown Almighty to cling on to (read: desperation). However, this logically plausible situation leads to impossibly illogical ensuing beliefs. Long story short, faith is something I cannot touch, because it so often meanders into abstractly philosophical realms, which I very much enjoy debating, and I can’t say definitively that a person of spiritual faith is an auto-idiot. But if you want more than faith, like history or science however...Different story…Bring it bitch...Oh its been brung. Reading religious texts is a favorite pastime of mine. It’s like reading about Sir Lancelot, or Zeus’ many conquests, or watching star wars. Scores of impressive protagonists, thrilling catharses, good versus evil, super powers, extra-terrestrial omnipotence, timeless comedy, and lastly, conventional wisdom oozing after every comma, period and exclamation! The story of Jonah’s 3 day excursion inside a large fish, or the humorous story of Abraham threatening to kill his son Isaac for no apparent reason (the voices told me to do it), and the story of little Jack who planted magical seeds and climbed a giant beanstalk into a land of wonders... Confusingly similar plot lines. What makes me want to use up my made-up-yet-ever-so-needed 5 lifetime murder passes all at once is the plethora of retards who want to hang me from my balls when I profess my skepticism. Bizarre. Just as I have done the pizza topping, I have recently rediscovered the moderately socio-religious Arab (read: hung over Arab overwhelmed by bouts of cosmic guilt). In this recent encounter, the moderately socio-religious Arab was a Jordanian Moslem, and a big believer in the social forms that religion so often takes, such as same-religion marriage, or sacrificing goats after a great achievement. He consistently lectures me about monotheistic religion as a means of salvation whilst pouring Russian Standard Vodka down his throat. What is scarier is the collective zombie-like nod of endorsement reciprocated by most others in the sitting. It’s very much like what living in a horror flick written by Franz Kafka about scary American suburbia would feel like. Eerie stuff. “See,” he says, “I am like you, I enjoy Vodka, but I believe Religion tells us what’s right from wrong, what to believe and how to act. It doesn’t say anywhere that I can’t drink, it says I can’t kill and shit, so I don't do it. It is law” Let us ignore the militantly odious train of thought that this man has so horrifically spawned, and let's pretend he is a colossally charming doorstop that shouldn’t offend us. So let me get this straight, you take literal interpretations of what social interactions should be like from the same tome you read about a guy called Noah whom once upon a time, so craftily filled a wooden boat with a pair from each species and sailed the seas to save the world? The same manuscript a talking snake seduced man to eat an apple. Whatever the fuck that means. Fantastic. Rupunzel’s uber ponytail might as well have made an appearance. The moderately socio-religious Arab is often in that state of limbo because she is so afraid of venturing introspectively into taboo subjects such as religion, preferring the status quo to the anxiety riddled world of logic that could liberate her of the past umpteen years’ worth of ‘belief.’ She is so afraid of what her findings might be, and how her livelihood could go on if her beliefs were even slightly rendered implausible. This is not a post against one particular religion; rather it is a post against all forms of l[...]



Re...treat

2009-05-28T17:34:09.490+01:00

Be weary of the cool hot chick who is acquiescent to your initial woo. She either has genital herpes, or is on the rebound.

As an adolescent, I always wondered how a flagrantly revolting man like Dennis Rodman consistently schtupped objects of every boy/dirty old adult’s masturbatory thoughts such as Madonna, Pamela Anderson and Carmen Electra. One needn’t look further than the feat that warranted his inclusion on every All-Defensive Team of the Year since the birth of Christ…he was the king of rebounds, both on and off the court. The Rebound King was a master at picking up unsuccessfully thrown objects at an arbitrary hoop. Big ups [to your?] Rod. Why else would an impossibly sexy vixen like Carmen marry an ogre with offensively large nostrils? And you can’t say penis size, she could get that sans the shackles.

As a person who is in fact not Dennis Rodman, I tend to shy away from beautifully round, bouncily firm objects falling out of nowhere. The ostensibly charming unrequited cries will, more often than not, divulge themselves in variously wicked forms of un-jazzy sensationalized drama…Don’t do it, because you are not Dennis Rodman, and because drama and lunacy ought to be synonyms…

UNLESS YOU RESIDE IN NORTH AMERICA.


From my experience with women in North America, which I apparently lack as judged by S (stage directions: audience laughs and swiftly heaves upon S), rebound chicks are great. In that geographically bound interchange, bodily fluids are uncompromisingly blocked by a sheath of rubber in exchange for a much-needed bout of temporary amnesia. It is done in jest, and no one gets hurt if the S&M safety guide is being aptly followed.



Chinese Democracy - LP

2009-05-28T10:50:43.814+01:00

I have recently been handed two leather bound, lace-strap sided Moleskine notebooks as part of a redundancy package, one black, the other red. I know, the natural irony amuses me as well. “Here are a couple of hundred empty pages for you to ponder over what it truly means to be redundant…oh and thanks for all the good times!"

“Ernest Hemingway’s utensil of choice“ I was told, as though the messenger interpreted the look of disgusted puzzlement on my face with sniper precision. I was not quite as repulsed the next time I took a glimpse of said notebooks. I was overtaken by the sex appeal of fuzzy ink, unkempt words that represented so much more than a page could metaphysically handle as opposed to neatly kept compartmentalized blog…and the list of emotionally driven similes/metaphors goes on.

Glad I’m over that.

Now I have returned. Ice-clouded tumbler and unscrewed whiskey bottle stand half-empty on standby, as manifestations of self-loathing via buffoon prejudiced digital sachets soon to be splattered across this electronic wasteland are locked and ready for dispatch. Ready thyself ye heathen idiot, thy slayer Godot hath cometh.

I always thought that would have made for a greatly vindictive comeback. Feel free to fuck off till my next post in August.



How Two A-rabs Win Their First Oscar/Grammy

2009-03-17T12:47:56.309+00:00

In the spirit of desecrating all that is serious, and deprecating all that is dramatic, the Sandmonkey and I have embarked on a creative endeavor documenting the tales, trials and tribulation on the alpha-est of male heroines. The bastard child of James Bond and a semi-retarded Arab farm girl if you will. Born in Andalusia and thrown into the Rafah border, we give you ZOBRO – THE PALESTINIAN AVENGER! This is what happens when great minds are independently bored at work: me: Pali liberals dude. Ramalla is like the new WoodstockSam: tell me more me: go to Ramalla now every ird thinks he’s so god damn enlightened, all they wanna do is smoke hash and shag to some vintage pink floyd psychedelic rockits kind of awesome actuallyexcept for the bit when they try too hard Sam: lol me: i might be moving there soon, i'll tell u all about it later today Sam: listen, i will come visit if you let me kill hamas peoples me: I always had this fantasy of wearing some chic mask gallivanting around the streets of Gaza with a pair of Desert Eagles .50, smoothly dodging katyushas and using those green clad retards as target practice Sam: lolI am inme: then I'll move on to the IDF fucksticks who would be too busy cheering me on. Little do they realize, the masked Zoro of Falasteen does not discriminate, for they are all retards to himAfterwards, I'll just give it to Jordan and Israel, as long as they give us passports, voting rights, and free HBO Sam: u should write a novelbut don't call it zorocall it ZEBROno no…ZOBRO!i can see itThe Mask of ZobroThe Return of Zobro me: Frank Miller's Zobro…starring Mickey Rourke… kick ass Sam: who will be your arch nemesis?I vote for Suha ArafatShe would have the snatch of doom me: magharet j3eeta, full effects with bats and everythingthe ghost of Yasin and an old decrepit Suha Arafat modeled pretty closely on Heather Mills Sam: lollolSam: and, like a proper Palestinian hero, you must have dozens of childrenwhich would make a totally new franchiseWelad zobro me: Lol! Of course, I will profile my character on a softer Ali Hasan Salameh, the 'playboy' drunkard and unsuspecting womanizer. Sam: I like Sam: Episode 4: Zobro vs. Tzipi me: hahahahain a cathartic twist, a wasted Zobro shags tzipi after their chance encounter in the Hero/Villain Den Bar (our own version of Central Perk), or is it the other way around he wonders the following morning, shortly before committing Seppuku me: Zobro has to be headstrong, hard willed, but conflicted. I could see a method actor pulling it off, maybe Josh Hartnett with a Versace hair cut…..me: Dude, screenplay or pilot? I vote pilot turned movie with horrible critical reception ‘that never lived up to the series’ and a cult following thereafter Sam: exactly what i am thinkingSam: lets draw storyaords and plot lines me: im so down Sam: and have my people call ur people me: set up a meeting somewhere and order food that’s not on the menu Sam: it should be animatedWe must be aware that we might end up getting gay Palestinians fan base of Zobrome: I’m thinking nizo would be a fan Sam: and they would be like "Zobro fills us up with Palestinian pride...to the hilt."i am thinking nizo should be a frenemy me: def Sam: he likes Zobro, but can't have zobro me: that should be his tagline in wiki notesSam: with one of them fighting his lust for anotherdude, we would win an oscar me: atleaaaaast a palm d'orStay tuned for the periodic bolgisodes: The Chronicles of Zobro: The Palestinian Avenger.[...]



Shameless Cronyism and Promotion II

2009-03-12T07:38:12.294+00:00

Remember her? She's in Gaza, she's writing, she's cool, she's future sister in law, she's Queen of Sheba.



Chas Speaks his Mind

2009-03-12T07:08:47.845+00:00

Read his whole statement here, then look at some of the comments. Interesting.
Excerpt:

"The outrageous agitation that followed the leak of my pending appointment will be seen by many to raise serious questions about whether the Obama administration will be able to make its own decisions about the Middle East and related issues. I regret that my willingness to serve the new administration has ended by casting doubt on its ability to consider, let alone decide what policies might best serve the interests of the United States rather than those of a Lobby intent on enforcing the will and interests of a foreign government."



Nostalgia

2009-03-11T15:58:33.816+00:00

“Ya walaaaaaaaad! Yalla 3al ghadaaaaaaa, jiddak ija ya 7aywan!” “What a rude awakening,” I thought as I grabbed the nearby Kawthar bottle in an attempt to rid my throat of the God-awful Ulker cracker stick stench from the night before…those salt granules really make the smoking experience less enjoyable, and don’t get me started on the carbon monoxide induced headache that comes with them. Through the glass I gazed at the bathroom counter and saw my Anita - half full – happily returning the gesture as if to congratulate me for my inevitable inauguration into the world of Versace styled haircuts, leaving behind all un-cool memories of Marines in its shadow. My 501’s beckoned, my No Fear Tshirt signifying Eid, and as many zgortat did that morning, I put on my Black Flight jacket with orange lining on my shoulders to compliment my recently acquired CAT Steel-toe Busstar. Man do I look cool. Walking towards the living room, I hear the theme song to ‘Lady Lady,’ at which point I decide to make a male role model of myself and rescue little Saad from his over-dominating sister. God does he need it. Commandingly, with last night’s fight at Nadia’s dancing party in mind I say “Saad! Shu bti3mal? Roo7 hott Captain Majed juwwal Betamax, hayyo bil dorj honak ya ghabi.” Striding down the hallway, my inner smile lighting me up for the lesson in guyhood I just gave, my shoulders wide, and my jacket puffed, I greet the family, so cocksure that they view me as the rebel god that I really am. Throughout the feast, my sense of self-alienation manifests itself in the form of constant time watching. Cool guys belonged in certain places at certain times. And at 3:30, any guy worth his soul belonged in the Nadi. If I’m not playing shirtless football, I should be in an endless discussion with the shabab about the new girl in our class, and how ‘obvious’ her hint to me was as we crossed and switched positions on the dancing line. The refusal to our lounge entry attempt reminded us all of the mu3al -18 on our carefully laminated membership cards, but the laughter in the halfway told the story of our still-in-tact confidence. Sitting on top of the bench over looking the bowling alley, M slips in a 10 Piaster Coin into the juke box and selects ‘All That She Wants’ so as to poke fun at A who wrongfully sang out ‘all manshimong’, thus destroying any chance he had with N, whom he’d been nervously chatting to down by the Pepsi machine. Noticing A’s expressions, I decide to avoid what could have been the breakdown of the Trio by immediately switching to Abu Yousef, thereby catalyzing at least one minute of the communal ritual of what is known in the West as break-dancing, but colloquially referred to as ‘rap’. My Reebok Air Pumps were in close contention with S's LA Gear light action sneakers. On the way home, my concentration on the various opinions the taxi driver had to offer on the topic of Abu Shakoosh were cut short, in a bitter sweet moment, when I see the banner ‘Al 3awda ila al madares’ on the sign post on a local maktabeh..."Ilyoam kan fakhem," I think to myself.[...]



Huh?

2009-03-02T13:09:59.892+00:00

...reaches for double-barrel, inserts two slugs, cocks the barrel, brain on wall.. There should be a legal grey area for killing some people.

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...but is the joke on us?? Hmmm...

2009-02-25T13:57:16.367+00:00

Oh the parallel universe that is Saudi. The mind wonders if I really want to see them graduating from their stone-age existence to something a bit less offensive. Where else could I possibly look for such high quality material? In fact, I often wonder if this type of behavior is their idea of some elaborate cosmic joke being perpetrated on the universe. It seems as though their logic (dare I use that word) follows the ‘how much more ridiculous can we get?’ trajectory. "Oh wait, I know, listen to this boys, lingerie can only be sold to women by men, there will be no dressing rooms, no public toilets nearby, and hmmm let me see, you have to send pictures to the Mutawa'a so they can approve the image you present your husband with! That’s it! Those Europeans will have a cow after that one." No Reem, no! "We the consumers are" NOT the final decision makers, God is you dumb bitch! Jesus woman, stop insulting the name of Islam or I'll have Mo and the 46 dwarfs over there show you the path of righteousness. And by Joseph, do they leave you stained before you get tossed in jail to lament all possible meanings of the word justice !”

I present you with Saudi endeavors in Mathematics for your examination:
Definition of Tawazi (parallel lines): Khattan mutawaziyan, la yaltakkiyan, ila bi 2ithn ilLahi ta3ala.
(Translation: two lines, that do not cross, diverge, nor converge, unless God wills them to do so).

Dare I say more? How can you miss the glaring comical genius in the above? I am therefore inclined to think that the Saudis are, in fact, ahead of us on the humor learning curve.

Dolts.



Stranger Everyday

2009-02-19T09:21:30.789+00:00

There is nothing worse than a metaphor overkilled , or an allusion revealed. I will not ruin this one. Suffice it to say that this page is dedicated to the absurdities that have so long become the norm, and the idiots who facilitate this normalization. If at any stage you were taken back to the state of denormalization, even for a second, then I have succeeded. The world got a bit stranger to me this morning as I read this.

What do you get when you cross religion, superstition, idiots, a dog, and a 2 year old? Atleast his kid won't be offended when called a son of a bitch. Bizzare.



I, Analogue - Leave Me Alone

2009-02-18T07:53:21.692+00:00

My vinyl collection tells me that I am somewhat nostalgic to the hey day of the analogue fantastic, but there is something eerie about this article somewhere between the lines. First off, I don't like how new technology is putting the smart guys and the intellectually challenged closer to parity, and I do understand that naturally, in the long run, the smarter guys should be able to manipulate said technology to regain their proverbial 'lead'. But that implies a new definition of smart doesn't it?

Back to the article, the data banks mentioned will not affect your life a la 'Eagle Eye,' but don't you feel a loss of character, uniqueness and mystique if businesses knew more about you that you probably do, put you in a massive pool of data with other numerically coded nameless meta-strangers, then transmitted that data in small digital parcels to marketers, telecommunicators, monitors, data bankers, and a host of other 'ers' and 'ors'? Is this the Brick in The Wall of our generation? What's next, does the business model move to a personal one? Think of dating, companies recommending who your friends should be, what food you should eat, what pets you should keep...they've already started that based on the idea of 'common friends', but its only a matter of time until preferences, common friends, venue, locale and other factors enter the decision matrix. Sounds a bit paternalistic, and eats away from the whole life experience journey our sweet grannies told us about. Sometimes I feel like moving to a place that doesn't show up on a stupid GPS. Take a gander, its really worth a read.



Paraplegic Israel

2009-02-17T11:40:27.107+00:00

I got this article from a very well informed man that works in the West Bank. The writer is clearly a disenchanted leftist, but gives a pretty plausible analysis on the future of the Israeli left, although I wouldn't be as optimistic on the emergence of a new party so soon. Snippets of the articles:

"The conclusion is quite clear: if the "center-left" does not succeed in breaking out of its elitist ghetto and striking roots within the Oriental and Russian sectors, its decline will continue from election to election."


"Such a government will necessarily fall soon and break apart. Thus the public will be persuaded that there is no viable rightist option. Kadima, Labor and Meretz will stew in opposition, and perhaps a real center-left alternative will come into being."


"The two "Zionist Left" parties have been decisively beaten. Both Labor and Meretz have collapsed. Their two leaders who called for the Gaza War and supported it - Ehud Barak of Labor and Haim Oron of Meretz - have received the punishment they richly deserve. In a normal democracy, both would have resigned the day after the elections. But our democracy is not normal, and both leaders insist on staying on and leading their party to the next disaster."


Notice, how in the closing line, the author is following the newly Godot Basha pioneered method of ending your argument with a quote from Greek mythology ;)



Come Again??

2009-02-16T06:22:26.412+00:00

I'm not really sure that I'd be stepping over some sort of an invisible moral boundary here, but this girl is a slut. Yeah, sure she’s a child of 14 and everything, but I think you’ve exceeded all of your ho-ish ambitions if there are multiple 12 year olds claiming fatherhood to the child you conceived when you were 13. And what the fuck did the parents think? “The bump? Oh don’t worry dear, she’s been having a lot of those double fudge cupcakes…” Animals. I'm all about the whole libretarianism schpiel of making your own mistakes yackety yack, but I think its safe to say that if the parents have an average age of 13, it is a clear cut case for a moral obligation to abort. Please come at me you neo-con pro lifers out there.

I can only express puzzlement by saying we have reached a new level of what the fuckness…



Virgin Slammed

2009-02-15T12:23:26.268+00:00

Entertaining complaint letter sent to Virgin's Richard Branson...I like how the last paragraph is a euphimism for the plaintiff's defunct taste buds. Also, who takes pictures of their meals?



R is for Red, or Retarded

2009-02-15T12:23:42.127+00:00

It's that time of year again when Saudis take the prize for most retardedly ridiculous establishment on the planet - no offence to the mentally retarded. Banning the sale of roses, heart shaped frames, and lingerie? Ok I'll bite, but censoring the 'I love you' on little Mr Teddybear? Cupid weeps.

Lighten up you stiff idiots. While the rest of the world is out getting laid, you're running around making sure no one is wearing a red shirt, morons.



Arab Apathy

2009-02-12T07:12:25.003+00:00

At 2000 GMT last night, Israeli polls shut their doors and the official count began. As expected, both Bibi and Livni bestowed their passively camouflaged victory gloat speeches and asked the other to play nice. Not so shocking was the demise of Labor and the emergence of Beiteinu led by Avigdor Lieberman, the man who makes Oriana Fallaci look like a tree-hugging, tolerance mongering, Kum Ba Ya chanting hippie. Its gonna be humorous watching the selected PM mollify the crap out of the other parties to form a coalition government within the 42 day deadline, let alone the ensuing ruckus within the Knesset.

More interesting however, is the lack of interest shown by Arabs towards this, or any previous Israeli election. For all the noise, I have not seen 1 editorial concerning the event. Not 1 ‘pros and cons’ type of article. Not even live coverage of the election. I guess the prevailing sentiment is that whoever occupies office would be a catastrophe piled on the existing catastrophe, degree irrelevant. I wonder if Israeli political campaigns would be at all swayed if Arabs favored a party over another by way of consensus. The slogan of said party would be that of dialogue, and a better barometer of whether or not the Israeli populous wants to engage in some serious chit-chat would be established.



My Anonymous Helper

2009-02-09T11:35:51.088+00:00

Dear Anonymous commentator,
Please spare this page from your propaganda. If you get the urge to let others know about various links on the web, feel free to start your own page, and fill it with whatever cow dung your little heart may desire. If, on the other hand, you have an argument regarding a relevant posted topic, feel free to use any resource to support said argument. For you 3 readers out there, Anonymous plagued the comments section of the last post (titled: Shameless Cronyism and Promotion) with a link that lists shortcomings of various Arab states. Don't worry Anon (can I call you that?), I will explore those shortcomings in many postings to come. I promise, that is one of my many purposes in life.

Finally, while reading this concluding remark, you should be contemplating how sad it is, my dear Anon, that I have to address you like I would an enfant.
Bye bye now.



Shameless Cronyism and Promotion

2009-02-09T09:17:35.644+00:00

Aside from promoting my perceived self-importance, 'undefined' would be the best word that describes the purpose of this page. In light of this epiphany, I would like to shamelessly promote a friend's page. I command you to click on that link.



Middle Eastern Metaverse

2009-02-09T08:53:10.891+00:00

My thoughts on this piece of news:

Last night, in what proved to be yet another bizarre incident within the Palestinian ranks, a despondent Marwan Barghouti, jailed champion of the oppressed and leader of the up-and-coming al-Mustaqbal party, declared that “not even God himself can convince me to leave this jail cell”. Sifted from an electrifying salvo of incoherent profanities, his statement shocked Israelis and Palestinians from all degrees of the political spectrum. The news followed a press conference held by Kadima’s Tzipi Livni, Foreign Affairs Minister, designated Acting Prime Minister of Israel, and first closet-queen tranny Prime Minister Hopeful, in which she announced the “possibility of exchanging Corpor…eh, I mean Staff Sergeant Gilad Shalit for Marwan Barghouti” in a prisoner swap so lopsided, it makes Marlon Brando’s before & after photos look like a divine act of symmetry.

Reporters from Fateh, Hamas, and the state of Israel (conventionally known as the Trinity) gathered around Barghouti’s jail cell in an attempt to understand his enraged staccato. “I am so hot right now,” said a fiery-eyed Barghouthi, “you want to exchange me for that 22 year old schmuck that got caught trying to reload his rifle? I am the bargaining chip here, I need at least an MP or you can forget winning this election Tzipi.” A couple of cuckoo hand gestures later, the Trinity scurried over to Hamas HQ for a cup of tea, a 1 hour siesta, followed by a quick chat with Golden Boy Gilad to get his view on things. “Elohim!” the distraught Gilad muttered, “how many kills do I need to rack up to be taken seriously in this joint? This captivity thing really bogged down my frag count. I really look up to Marwan though, I hope that one day he will be proud and think me worthy.”

Palestinians and Israelis sighed at each other in confusion before they resumed to kill each other in what otherwise proved to be another normal day on the strip. It is said that Bibi is set to offer more prisoners in exchange for Bargouti’s release to secure Likud’s election, a move that could be seen as a first step forward in decades between the two sides.



A Woman's Drive

2009-02-08T13:23:40.049+00:00

I received this forwarded email about a young woman who became a friend this morning:“Dear friends, family and fellow Harvard students,Recent events have made it impossible for me to ignore the horrific situation in GAZA. The continued 18-month siege has brought unfathomable and unnecessary famine and illness, and a complete collapse of Gaza's infrastructure, including the sewage treatment facilities and desalination plants critical to civilian health. The death toll is no less horrifying. In just 23 days of war, we saw the deaths of 1'285 Gazans and the injury of 4'336, over 43% of which were women and children. Despite this terrifying situation, the Egyptian and Israeli governments are still restricting the border crossings to Gaza and are severely limiting the amount of humanitarian aid that international organizations can deliver. Hamas, the local government, has taken control of the distribution of much of the incoming aid, greatly slowing its spread to the war ravaged population of the region.I've decided I can no longer sit idly by. I AM GOING TO BE TRAVELING TO GAZA within the next week to distribute small financial allowances to the families that are suffering the most – those that have lost their homes and multiple family members in the war – so they can buy a the food and medical supplies they need to survive. Although I would prefer to simply give them food and supplies directly, border entry restrictions will not allow me to bring those vital items into the area. Instead, I will both be supporting these families financially and accompanying them to purchase the food and medicine that will keep them and their children alive and well. With JUST $2 a day they can buy the basic supplies of rice, bread, flour, sugar, that they need to survive and support their families.THE SITUATION IS URGENT. Humanitarian aid from the Arab league, UN, and various aid organizations is taking far too long to arrive in Gaza. People are dying now, and there is a pressing need to find a temporary solution until the aid arrives. The credit infrastructure has collapsed, and families can no longer access the money they had saved in banks – ATMs have run dry as families continue to starve. Money is desperately needed and completely inaccessible. Gazans have no ability to leave Gaza to procure anything and therefore I think that my ability to try to provide even the smallest amount of relief is extremely important.I am not writing to pressure anyone into feeling the need to donate if you do not have the ability (as a recent graduate myself, I can understand being in that position). Instead, I am writing to express my horror at the crimes that were carried out in December and January, and to try to do whatever I can to help the people of Gaza in the only tangible way I can. This is not motivated by my political beliefs -- this is a plea for humanity's sake, for each of us as human beings to do what we can to reduce the suffering of innocent people that have no way of providing for their own families and desperately need food and medical supplies.My experiences opening schools in Afghanistan have provided me with invaluable skills that I will draw from to ensure the success of this endeavor. I raised over $50,000 and supported the opening of four schools as well as two educational programs in Kabul and the surrounding area. All of these programs are still running today. If you would like t[...]