Subscribe: Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein
http://rabbi-pinky.blogspot.com/feeds/posts/default
Added By: Feedage Forager Feedage Grade A rated
Language: English
Tags:
Rate this Feed
Rate this feedRate this feedRate this feedRate this feedRate this feed
Rate this feed 1 starRate this feed 2 starRate this feed 3 starRate this feed 4 starRate this feed 5 star

Comments (0)

Feed Details and Statistics Feed Statistics
Preview: Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein

Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein



Words Of Torah Dripping With Sarcasm and Condescension



Updated: 2018-02-18T08:08:55.729-05:00

 



NEW: Ask Rabbi Pinky: On the Forbidden Amongst Us

2018-02-16T09:00:10.724-05:00

To subscribe, send an e-mail to NPOJ8@YAHOO.COM with the word "Subscribe"====================================================Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Rabbi-Pinky-Schmeckelstein/621655891273622====================================================THE COLLECTED WRITINGS OF RABBI PINKY SCHMECKELSTEINhttp://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Rabbi_Pinky====================================================NEW: Ask Rabbi Pinky: On the Forbidden Amongst UsRabboisai,This week I answer and actual Shailah from a Talmid. E.LT. asks:“Rebbe Shlita,“I've been struggling with a question for a long time and was not able to find a good teshuva. Perhaps you can help.“We live in a frum world!!! so frum that I think we've moved to the right of G-D. We have kollelim, ass-kanim and chesed organizations galore. In matters of tznius I see see klal yisroel getting so frum that pretty soon we will be going to chasunas where the chosson and kallah have yichud in separate rooms. We've acheived all this progress while sending the message that we shun the outside world and don't buy into their shtusim and ideologies.“However, when I think about the common day kollel arrangement, where it becomes the responsibility of the wife to support her husband in kollel, and there was even a machlokes recently if they should be matir the cherem Rabeinu Gershom and allow men to marry two wives so they would be better supported in kollel, we attribute this progress to our mesorah handed down for generations. However, really it's pumpt fahrkert, in truth we can view all this progress as endorsing western ideology and specifically feminism. Can you think of a single movement in America that has sent more women into the workforce and made women the bread winners for their families?“I would be honored if you bestowed upon me your menuval smicha that is saved only for very few.“Sincerely, an emesah menuval“Good Shabbos” ———My beloved Talmid, thank you such much for your Heiligah Shailah. You raise some very important issues, and, to be honest, I would have Responded to you earlier except, Rachmana Litzlan, the Reboinoisheloilum cursed me in that I still have my hearing, so I was busy being talked to by my Bashert, Feigeh Breinah, and as my hearing is perfect, unfortunately I do not have a hearing aid that I could turn off.As I see it, there are three essential questions here:1) Are we succumbing to the pollution of Westernized thought by allowing, even demanding, that our wives support us financially while we sit in Koilel in front of a Gemarrah, browsing on our mobile phones?2) Should we be able to marry more than one wife, so that we can sit in Kollel and live our lives at the level of comfort that we deserve?3) What is the proper role of women in Yiddisheh society? Was the invention in women Hakadoishboruchhu’s ultimate screw up - the creation of a distraction that would lead us to give into our Yetzer Harrah’s every. single. time?This is a lot to answer in one sitting, and I am afraid that I am going to have to charge you double what I typically charge. Please be prepared to write a very big check out to the Yeshivas Chipass Emmes Rabbinic Discretionary Fund, made out to "C.A.S.H." which I use to support the unfortunate among Klal Yisroel in Costa Rica and the Dominican Republic about twice a year.Answering your first Shailah:  YOU ARE A TOITAL... ERRR... TOTAL AM HA’ARETZ!!! Do you think that the Goyim invented the concept of women working? Of course not!!! They stole the idea from us!!!From time immemorial, it was the women who supported the men in Klal Yisroel! In the Toirah, how did Eliezer know that Rochel Imainu was the intended for Yitzchak Avinu? Why... she had come to the well to get water for her asses, but gave water to Eliezer’s ass first. She was working!!!! She could have been home, having her nails done, and have asked her Goyta, her Maidservant, to get water for the animals. But, she knew, as a Tzadeikess, that future generations would be looking to her as an example. So she went to get the wat[...]



NEW: Dayenu

2018-01-26T11:26:21.783-05:00

To subscribe, send an e-mail to NPOJ8@YAHOO.COM with the word "Subscribe"====================================================Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Rabbi-Pinky-Schmeckelstein/621655891273622====================================================THE COLLECTED WRITINGS OF RABBI PINKY SCHMECKELSTEINhttp://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Rabbi_Pinky====================================================NEW: DayenuRabboisai,I have no sense of humor this week. No silly sophomoric jokes. No rabbinical quotes, real or faux. I am a little tired of all of your Reboinoisheloilum-damned complaining about Yeshivah tuition. Really people. Just suck it up. Or send your kids to public school. Or move to Israel. Do something besides complaining. Seriously. You were fortunate enough to have been born a Jew. Do you know what that means? YOU were granted the Toirah at Har Sinai. YOUR Neshama was there. Your ancestors were led out of Egypt. They walked through the wilderness and were given the Promised Land. They settled there and were granted one, then two separate kingdoms. They were given the Bais Hamikdash!!! Had it only been those things, then Dayenu! That would have been enough.But the first kingdom was defeated by the Assyrians and its citizens were sent into exile. Then the second kingdom was defeated by the Babylonians and its inhabitants were sent into exile. Then the Persians conquered the Babylonians. Then your ancestors were granted the right to return to the Holy Land and were given autonomy by the Persians. And they were granted the right to build a second Bais Hamikdash. Had it only been those things, then Dayenu! That would have been enough.But the Greeks came and Hellenic culture began to corrupt the Judean society and the Priesthood. And the Chashmonaim rose up to create a true, free, independent Judean Country for your ancestors to live and worship as free men and women. Had it only been those things, then Dayenu! That would have been enough.But then the Chashmonaim usurped the Kehuna, the Priesthood, and then established their own Malchus, their own kingdom. And your ancestors now lived under corrupt Judean leadership. They even called in the Romans to halt a civil war and bring peace. Had it only been those things, then Dayenu! That would have been enough.But your ancestors wanted it all: Freedom from Jewish oppression and freedom from Roman oppression. So they fought a civil war and two wars of rebellion against the Romans, both lost, with the Second Temple destroyed and Jews banned from living in Jerusalem. Had it only been those things, then Dayenu! That would have been enough.But then a Jew by the name of Yushka inspired a movement that paved a new sensibility around the world, and your ancestors were not viewed as the origin and people of Yushka, but, rather, as his oppressors and his murderers. And they had to run into exile throughout the four corners of the earth, settling for a century or two of peace and acceptance before the next wave of persecution. Had it only been those things, then Dayenu! That would have been enough.But every time they were attacked and expelled, the survivors ran and found new homes. And it lasted for one or two or three hundred years. And Toirah study and Jewish thought blossomed. Rather than disappear under the blade of persecution, intellectual Jewish thought flourished, influenced by the great disruptions and the contemporary evolving non-Jewish thought and culture. Had it only been those things, then Dayenu! That would have been enough.And then Jews began to be accepted. First Spinoza abandoned Toirah to create a model for ethical humanism. Then Mendelssohn enriched Toirah by blending it with modern thought, and slowly Jews began to achieve social equality in Western Europe. Had it only been those things, then Dayenu! That would have been enough.And then came the grand experiment... America!! The trickle of arrivals in the new land from the Sephardic lands of Europe was followed by a steady flow from Ashkenaz, and then a flood from the impov[...]



NEW: Experiential Yiddishkeit

2018-01-19T16:40:09.292-05:00

To subscribe, send an e-mail to NPOJ8@YAHOO.COM with the word "Subscribe"====================================================Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Rabbi-Pinky-Schmeckelstein/621655891273622====================================================THE COLLECTED WRITINGS OF RABBI PINKY SCHMECKELSTEINhttp://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Rabbi_Pinky====================================================NEW: Experiential YiddishkeitRabboisai,I would like to start this week’s Drasha with a simple question for you: Why is Moishe Rabbeinu so insignificant?“What, What, WHAT!!!!” you are now asking. “Has Rabbi Pinky gone insane?”Perhaps. But this question is no reflection of my sanity. In fact, I have always been known for having the GREATEST sanity and the GREATEST intelligence!!!But the question itself is a fundamental question, a mystery, that stares us in the face when we read about Yetzias Mitzrayim, the exodus from Egypt, during the first few Parshiyois in Shmois, and then juxtapose the Biblical narrative with its retelling during the Pesach Seder. Because, as you may or may not have noticed, you Mechutziff, throughout the entire Seder, a liturgical ceremony that dates back to the time of the Mishnah, and is rooted in a much more ancient tradition, MOISHE RABBEINU’S NAME IS NOT EVEN MENTIONED ONCE! Not once.What the Tashmish HaMitah?!When you look up that a question in the sources, people note that Moishe is indeed referred to in one Biblical quote that mentions his name. But that exception just proves the point even more: How is it that the central actor and messenger of the Reboinoisheloilum in the exodus does not play a significant role in the Seder? This Shailah was first raised by Reb Hai Goyn in the eighth century. He suggested that Moishe RABBEINU’s name was left out so that the Seder would focus on Hakadoshboruchhu as the primary actor. Would the Seder in our Mesoirah have foicused on Moishe like it does in the Toirah, one might think that the exodus was the result of a human endeavor. Chass V’Sholom one should think that humans are capable of miracles!! Case in point: When I had my heart transplant last year, I made sure NOT to use trained heart surgeons, since they know nothing!! Instead, I had a couple of auto mechanics with greasy hands install the doiner’s heart.. I mean, the donor’s heart, since they were simply the agents of the Aimishteh. And while they were in there, I had them change my oil, install new brake pads, and tune up my transmission.(As an aside, there is a completely separate Machloikess Rishoinim on why Reb Hai Goyn’s name was “Hai”. According to the RIF, “Hai” was a customary Babylonian nickname for “Chaim”. According to the RASHBA, “Hai” is a misspelling of “Hi”, and he was called “Hi” because he was the most friendly of all of the Gaonim. But according to Rabbeinu Tam, “Hai” is a misspelling of the name “High”. Says Rabbeinu Tam, Reb “High” Goyn lived during a period when the Governor of Pumbedisa legalized marijuana for recreational purposes in order to raise tax dollars, and Reb High Goyn likes to indulge before answering complicated Shailois, such as how many wings do the angels have, and how many Babylonians does it take to screw in a lightbulb.Shoyn.)The RAMBAN holds differently. According to the RAMBAM, the Reboinoisheloilum is a distant figure, and humanity drives the world. However, CHAZAL downplayed the role of Moishe so that Klal Yisroel would not Chass V’Sholom come to deify him. After all, the Seder’s liturgy was likely formalized in the early centuries of the Common Era, at a time when many were coming to embrace Yushka Pandra as their Lord and Savior. Says the RAMBAM, it is bad enough that we have to listen to Christmas music for four weeks in the late fall. But if we had to have a second  season with similar faux religious music playing incessantly in the background, we might be tempted to cut our ears off and use them for holding crumbs during [...]



NEW: Parshas Shmois Drasha

2018-01-05T15:54:00.228-05:00

To subscribe, send an e-mail to NPOJ8@YAHOO.COM with the word "Subscribe"====================================================Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Rabbi-Pinky-Schmeckelstein/621655891273622====================================================THE COLLECTED WRITINGS OF RABBI PINKY SCHMECKELSTEINhttp://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Rabbi_Pinky====================================================NEW: Parshas Shmois DrashaRabboisai,I would like to start this week’s Drasha by reminding you that we have started a new Sefer with this week’s Toirah reading, Sefer Shmois. I know you probably forgot, as you were likely checking out the talent in the Ezras Nashim last week while the rest of the Shul shouted together “Chazak Chazak VeNisschazayk!!”. You Mechutziff!I always found it ironic that Sefer Beraishis, a single book, covers history from the dawn of creation, four billion years ago... err... six thousand years ago, rather, but then is followed by four long, action packed books that primarily focus on Yetzias Mitzrayim - the exodus from Egypt - and the wandering of Klal Yisroel in the Midbar, roughly a period of forty years.What’s Pshat? Avraham Avinu was not as important as Moishe Rabbeinu? Yankif Avinu wasn’t as important as Aharon HaCoihain, the Minuval? Miriam wasn’t as nasty and deceptive as Rivkah Imainu?Seriously, shouldn’t the Toirah have taught us a bit more about the hooliganism... err... acts of Chessed of the Shvatim and a bit less about the colors of the paint on the undersides of the bolts used for holding the Mishkan together on the second Tuesday in Sivan in an Ibbur Yuhr?Couldn’t we have had a bit more action that would justify a sequel to Sefer Beraishis? Maybe we could have had a little Mishkav Zachor between Adam HaRishoyn and the snake? Maybe we could learn a bit about the cruise entertainment on Noach’s Teyvah? Were there featured singers and comedians? Were there plumbing issues. Maybe Avraham Avinu ultimately decides to slaughter someone else’s son? Maybe the Shvatim could have sold another of their brothers into slavery in place of some of the laws the Baal Koireh Leyns from the Toirah ad nauseam as we are trying to have a good conversation with our friends?Rabboisai, this is indeed the opposite question than what is posed by RASHI when he asks why the Toirah does not start with the first Mitzvah in the Toirah instead of feeding us Bubbah Maisahs about talking snakes, towers built into the sky, and several generations of brothers who constantly try to screw each other over.The RASHBA responds to RASHI, noting that Sefer Beraishis is included as the first Sefer Toirah specifically to warn us to never trust any of our brothers, whether they come from different mothers, or are even hairy identical twins. Our brothers will screw us over every time, so we better make like Yankif Avinu and steal from our brothers first and run away at the first possible moment. The RASHBA notes that this understanding of Beraishis is critical in order for us to comprehend why it is that Moishe Rabbeinu leads Klal Yisroel out of Egypt, through the desert, and to the brink of the Promised Land, but Aharoin HaCoihain, Moishe’s back stabbing brother, gets the Kehunah for his descendants for all eternity. Instead of trying to read his compass while wandering the desert, Moishe should have taken a half hour to review the lessons of Beraishis and made sure that Aharoin, tea Menuval, mysteriously “disappeared” while searching for his golf balls in the sand trap at the Sinai Desert Classic.But the Sifsei Chachamim hold Farkert. LeOilum, in reality, Beraishis teaches us absolutely nothing about relationships between brothers. Rather, Sefer Beraishis warns us about nasty wives and mothers. Sarah Imainu forces Avraham Avinu to send Hagar and Yishmael to die in the desert. Rivka Imainu prompts Yankif Avinu to lie to his blind father, steal his brother Eisav’s birthright, and borrow his father’s Lexis without permissi[...]



Chadash Assur Min HaToirah

2017-12-29T12:03:46.885-05:00

To subscribe, send an e-mail to NPOJ8@YAHOO.COM with the word "Subscribe"====================================================Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Rabbi-Pinky-Schmeckelstein/621655891273622====================================================THE COLLECTED WRITINGS OF RABBI PINKY SCHMECKELSTEINhttp://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Rabbi_Pinky====================================================Chadash Assur Min HaToirahRabboisai,This week I had been planning to share with you the ultimate key to bringing Moishiach, the Shaym HaMephoirash, the ineffable name of Hakadoishboruchhu that has been passed down in my - MY - family, as I am the direct descendant of Moishe Rabbeinu, Eli HaKoihaon, and Yirmiyahi HaNavi. And in invoking the Name in this Drasha, in this large virtual Kehillah, I was going to trigger the Yemai HaMashaich, the Messianic Era and the End Of Days. It's about time, don't you think?In my role as President Donald Trump's Advisor For Spiritual Afffairs this week, I discussed my plan with President Trump SHLITA, and he though the idea was "Terrific!" He even wanted to know if we could brand the Third Bais HaMikdash as the "Trump Temple".However. President Trump inadvertently shared the Shaym HaMephoirash with the Russian Foreign Minister and Ambassador a week ago, and as they tried to use this ultimate weapon in their Zil limousines on the way back to the Russian Embassy, they upset the Reboinoishoilum, who only allows the use of the Shaym once in a generation. So Moshiach-Tzeit, the era of the Moshiach, will have to wait.Damn.But the good news is that some of my investments in Canadian real estate, the defense industry, and privately run prisons will now have time to grow in value. Baruch HaShem.Shoyn.----We start today's Drasha with a series of questions. Please bear with me; I know that you have the attention span of a Goilem who just drank six Espressois... errr... espressos.------ The Mishnah asks: "Ma'Amusai Koirin Ess Kriyas Shma Ba'Arvin?" From what point can we start reciting Kriyas Shma at night? I am not going to recite to you the entire Machloikess; if you are not intimately familiar with this very basic Mishnah, you should probably stop calling yourself a Jew and start worshipping Yushka, since you are an Am Ha'Aretz and add no value to Klal Yisroel whatsoever. Unless of course you are willing to write a big check, and then we will praise your value as a supporter of Toirah and Klal Yisroel and as a communal leader. Kenayna Hurrah!!-- We also have an adage in Klal Yisroel that begins, "Tuhdeer V'She'einoi Tuhdeer..." - When one has to prioritize the order of a liturgy, which comes first - the common or the uncommon? Again, I am not going to tell you the answer. You should know the answer, otherwise you should not be reading this Drasha, because you are not qualified to be a Jew. Instead, you should be fixing cars and doing projects that require sheetrock.-- When someone has a son, he has the opportunity to engage in the greatest Mitzvah in Klal Yisroel - LeHachnisoi Ess Bnei LeBrisoi Shel Avraham Avinu - to connect his son to the eternal covenant that Avraham Avinu forged with the Reboinoisheloilum. How does one do this? By having a Moihel perform a Bris, a circumcision, on the eighth day of life, or as soon after as possible in the event of medical complication. And what does the Bris include? The key ingredients are: Circumcision, Metzitza BiPeh, and and serving bagels and lox.You may raise concerns about the practice of Metzitza BiPeh, a practice during which the Moihel draws blood from the site of the circumcision with his mouth. Opponents of this practice point to several incidents in which a Moihel with oral herpes passed along this minor disease to the eight day old baby who has no immune system. This has occasionally resulted in the deaths of such children. You may argue that this practice should be waived and possibly be ruled illegal in civil law. But whoever would argue [...]



NEW - On Making Peace With Reality

2017-12-21T11:41:50.799-05:00

To subscribe, send an e-mail to NPOJ8@YAHOO.COM with the word "Subscribe"====================================================Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Rabbi-Pinky-Schmeckelstein/621655891273622====================================================THE COLLECTED WRITINGS OF RABBI PINKY SCHMECKELSTEINhttp://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Rabbi_Pinky====================================================On Making Peace With RealityRabboisai,I am writing this in my office within the White House, in my role as Senior Religious Advisor to President Donald J. Trump, SHLITA.Товарищи, позвольте мне рассказать вам о последних событиях, происходящих в Белом доме.Oops. Sorry. I meant to send that to someone else. Well, no one really. Please ignore it. My keyboard was broken. I have never spoken to Putin in my life. Or the Russian ambassador. Or any Russian, ever. Or anyone descended from a Russian. Shit, I haven’t ever spoken to my own mother because she is from Brighton Beach. Not once. In any case, we are having a terrific level of impact in the White House over the last few weeks. The Tax Bill is a terrific achievement! We are cutting business taxes, and many residential taxes. Because of limits on the mortgage deduction, home owners in New York are likely to pay higher taxes. But that won’t impact Klal Yisroel, since everyone that I know has their house registered as a Shul. In fact, in my house back in Boro Park, after Maariv tonight we will be hosting Bingo Night sponsored by my Bashert Feigeh Breinah’s chapter of Amit Women - Ultra Orthodox Division, where all of the publications and material have had the faces of all the women blacked out.Rabboisai, we just finished Chanukah, the Festival of Lights. The SHEISS-KUP asks an important Shailah - Why do we light candles and say Brachois about a magical miracle about the Staying Power of oil that only appears in a Braisah hundreds of years after the actual miraculous war for liberation of Judea in 160 BCE, knowing that the miracle story is likely a fictional legend?The MALOMAR Shteyts a beautiful Vort: That the oil miraculously lasting eight days is a metaphor for the Staying Power of Klal Yisroel. Through exile and suffering, the Reboinoisheloilum stayed with us and sustained us. We even survived eight years of Oibama because Hakadoishboruchhu never abandoned us, other than His annual vacation to His Bungalow in the Catskills. The MALOMAR is of course known for using an eclectic mixture of influences from both Chassidic thought and Fox News in his Divrei Toirah.I, the RAPAS, however, would like to interpret the miracle of the Chanukah candles in a different way. We must recall that CHAZAL had a great challenge facing them after the destruction of the Bais Hamikdash by the Romans, and the disastrous Bar Kochba rebellion two generations later. They could not have a holiday focused on overthrowing a sovereign entity in the Land of Israel. So they de-emphasized the political struggle for independence that is at the core of Chanukah, and focused the holiday on a miracle story that addresses the personal challenge faced by many of us. And the miracle for each of us, the Chanukah message for all men in Klal Yisroel, is that though good deeds and the help of the Aimishteh, we have have Staying Power that is eight times the normal, as long as we use the right, ummm... special oil.This special oil, by the way, is available at a low introductory rate of $99 per tube of the new: “Doc Schmeckel’s Chanuka Love Oil”, available in flavorless, jelly donut flavored, and latkah flavored. And believe me, your spouse or significant other will be singing along with you for hours, or your money back (minus shipping and handling charges, of course). And if you are one of the first hundred callers, we will give you a second tube of “Love Oil” for one dollar extra, and add a fu[...]



On the Passing of a Tzaddik

2017-11-30T17:31:59.085-05:00

To subscribe, send an e-mail to NPOJ8@YAHOO.COM with the word "Subscribe"====================================================Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Rabbi-Pinky-Schmeckelstein/621655891273622====================================================THE COLLECTED WRITINGS OF RABBI PINKY SCHMECKELSTEINhttp://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Rabbi_Pinky====================================================On the Passing of a Tzaddikמִי-הָאִישׁ, הֶחָפֵץ חַיִּים;    אֹהֵב יָמִים, לִרְאוֹת טוֹב.“Who is the living being who seeks life, who loves the days of his life, to see good”Rabboisai,We are gathered here to offer our respects at the passing of one of the Gedoilei HaDor, the leaders of the generation, Reb Betzalel Kupkayk. Reb Betzalel left this world the same way he lived it - Enjoying the wonders of nature, the world created by Hakdoishboruchhu.How do we sum up the life of a Tzaddik? We, of course, are discouraged by CHAZAL, our sages, from offering Hespedim, eulogies, for a Tzaddik. However, we are encouraged to celebrate and remember, and discuss the lessons of a life well spent, learning Toirah, doing Mitzvois, and killing small animals.Reb Betzalel was born under challenging circumstances. We know little about his early childhood, but we do know that he was instinctively drawn to Toirah. My Bashert Feigeh Breinah immediately recognized his potential and encouraged that he be taken in by the Yeshiva, even though we had agreed not to bring in any more wards of the Yeshiva, Reboinoisheloilumdammit. When I first learned of Reb Betzalel’s arrival, I was concerned that he would be a bad influence on the other Lamdunim. But in this one, solitary thing, this one time, ever, my Bashert was right. Reb Betzalel was very special and brought great wisdom and insight into the Yeshiva.Reb Betzalel’s early days were spent learning BiChavrusa with Reb Yoisaiph Katsky, ZTL, often in animated Machloikesin that occasionally led to knocking items off the table and the shelves. Both Reb Yoisaiph Katzky and his protege Reb Betzalel Kupkayk were particularly fond of Shabbos, and every week waited patiently at the Yeshivah Shabbos table for Shirayim of chicken or fish.But the most profound relationship that Reb Betzalel had was of course with Reb Shmiel Kalbasavuah, SHLITA. They spent years as Chavrusas and constant companions, learning Toirah and taking walks together. Indeed, their mutual affection mirrored that of Dovid HaMelech and Yehoinasan. And it is true that Reb Shmiel was known to occasionally exhibit physical affection for Reb Betzalel, but as it was consensual, we need not discuss it here. (And, no, we are not removing Reb Shmiel from his current position at the Yeshiva. He is neither Matt Lauer nor Charlie Rose.)Pirkei Avois tells us “Asei LeCha Rav, U’Knei LeCha Chaver”, assign yourself a Rabbi, and acquire for yourself a friend”. People have forever wondered what the latter part of the phrase means. Does it refer to an actual “purchase”? Most people hold that, no, it is metaphorical for personal engagement and commitment, for investing value in the relationship. The relationship between Reb Betzalel and Reb Shmiel was indeed a synthesis of both aspects of this equation.Legendary are the long walks shared by Reb Shmiel and Reb Betzalel, with Reb Shmiel often running ahead to ensure that Cossacks, Nazis, or squirrels were not waiting around the corner. On their walks they would often discuss the intricacies of Halacha. What is the earliest one can light candles on Friday night? When laying Tefillin, can you respond to text messages, or does that count as a Hesach HaDaas? When you find scraps of food on the street, do you need to check Hashgacha, or should you eat them immediately, lest this be the last morsel of food you will ever eat?While Reb Shmiel is the better known Poisayk, rend[...]



On Rabbis and the Employment of Reason

2017-11-10T09:30:27.451-05:00

To subscribe, send an e-mail to NPOJ8@YAHOO.COM with the word "Subscribe"====================================================Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Rabbi-Pinky-Schmeckelstein/621655891273622====================================================THE COLLECTED WRITINGS OF RABBI PINKY SCHMECKELSTEINhttp://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Rabbi_Pinky====================================================On Rabbis and the Employment of ReasonRabboisai,I would like to start this week’s Drasha by describing the Reboinoisheloilum:No, there is no typo, you Minuval! I did not fall asleep at my keyboard, or smoke too much Besamim, if you know what I mean. I simply followed the tradition of the RAMBAM who declared that you can only describe Hakadoshboruch by what He is Not.Now, the RAMBAM of course was a Sefardi, so he was certainly hardly an Erlichah Yid. He worked as a physician to many, including to the principle advisers to Salah A Din, the Muslim conqueror of Eretz Yisroel who chased out the Crusaders Yemach Shmum. So instead of learning thirty hours a day like a good Jew, he was busy engaging in Bittul Toirah by saving lives. What a waste of time! All of his patients are undoubtedly dead by now, so the RAMBAN passed up the eternity of Toiras Moishe Rabbeinu to engage in what was only a temporary fix, at best. This is certainly not the choice any of OUR Gedoilim would have made, of course. Can you possibly imagine Reb Auerbach, SHLITA or Reb Kanievsky, SHLITA stopping leaning over their Gemarrah long enough to wipe up their drool?But the RAMBAM cannot be all bad. After all, Art Scroll wrote at least one book about him. And he did, of course, only learn medicine from the Gemarrah and while sitting in the Bais HaKeesay. Which is where I developed my Value Investing strategy when I was a teenager: How to take something small and make it bigger until it shoots out a big payoff...But RAMBAM’s basic premise requires a thoughtful analysis, at least long enough to fit three pages so that I can cross the line “Write a new Drasha” off of my To Do list, and I can get to the next item on my list: “Whatever is in the headlines, blame Hillary and Oibama”.The RAMBAM, in his day, was confronting a reality that was in many ways quite similar to our own. Jews were persecuted in some places, yet found safety in others. Religious traditions within Klal Yisroel were becoming divergent. People were beginning to allow the beliefs of modernity to impact their Emunah in the Aimishteh. And women were beginning to assert their right not to be treated as sex objects by covering themselves with Burkas, donning metal chastity belts, immersing themselves in the Mikvah, and avoiding any man whose last name was “Weinstein”.To the RAMBAM, a key concern was the literalism that had infiltrated the Jewish perception of The Divine. He believed that people who took Biblical references such as “the hand of God” or “the finger of God” as literal walked a treacherous path leading to a form of Avoidah Zarah, idolatry. He believed that anthropomorphism of the Reboinoisheloilum was a falsehood and was, in fact, dangerous, and that Hakadoshboruchhu could never be understood in human terms. He even went so far as to say that most prophetic confrontations with the Aimishteh in the Toirah were not actual encounters, but the product of inspired dreams, perceptual imagination, or LSD flashbacks.At the center of the RAMBAM’s focus was the need to find the balance between faith and reason. For the RAMBAM, the Toirah was a one time gift given to Klal Yisroel through Moishe Rabbeinu. The Toirah was not a rule book designed to outline reward and punishment, as these were human concepts. To the RAMBAM, the Reboinoisheloilum exists beyond any human understanding and is outside of the realm of human activity. The RAMBAM believed that the Toirah’s primary purpose was t[...]



Simchas Toirah Drasha

2017-10-11T13:17:00.809-04:00

To subscribe, send an e-mail to NPOJ8@YAHOO.COM with the word "Subscribe"====================================================Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Rabbi-Pinky-Schmeckelstein/621655891273622====================================================THE COLLECTED WRITINGS OF RABBI PINKY SCHMECKELSTEINhttp://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Rabbi_Pinky====================================================Simchas Toirah DrashaRabboisai,This week we celebrate the conclusion of Sukkois and the completion of the annual cycle of Kriyas HaToirah by getting stinking drunk and dancing with members of the same gender.Rav Moishe Chaim Luzzato asks: Why do we dance with other men, which is a clear violation of Lifnei Iver for Mishkav Zachor, an unacceptable temptation that may lead to playing “bury my Sukkah pole in your Schach,” if you know what I mean?There is a famous machloikess that addresses this question. Reb Yisroel Salanter comments that the completion of the Toirah cycle is meant as an Ois, a microcosm, of Oilum Habbah. With the completion of the Chamishei Chumshei Toirah, we experience a moment that is a foreshadowing of Biyas HaMashiach and Oilum Habbah, the dawning of the Messianic era and the World to Come. As such, we know that when Moshiach comes, many of the Halachic restrictions of Oilum Hazeh will fall away. Just as Tisha Ba’Av will shift from being a day of somber mourning to our greatest day of celebration, Biyuh SheLo KeDarko with another man will shift from being an “abomination” to a “Mitzvas Asei SheHazman Grummah.” It will also be a great way to reward your Chavrusa for knowing all the latest dance steps to “Zara Chaya VeKayama.”Rebbe Nachman MiBreslov proposes a similar approach. He suggests that we do not dance in celebration of completing the annual cycle of reading the Toirah, since in ancient times much of Klal Yisroel followed a triennial cycle, completing the Toirah in three years. Rather, Rebbe Nachman states that we dance with other men to signal the end of the long holiday season. He writes in his famous treatise Likutei MoHaran that “Shmini Atzeres and Simchas Toirah clarify the essential differences between men and women. At this time of year, while men are busy trying to eke out a living without being fired for missing work, building the Sukkah, preparing the Arba Minim, etc., their wives are constantly calling them with requests, such as:-- ‘Reuvain, can you please pick up bok choi on your way home from work’-- ‘Shimoin, I don’t think we have enough dessert for the fourth meal we are hosting; can you pick up some brownie mix?’-- ‘Layvee, I have to stay late at the office; can you come home early to give the kinderlach a bath?’”Says Rebbe Nachman, “If I can trade being called fourteen times a day by my wife and being incessantly hen-pecked in exchange for engaging in Mishkav Zachor with another man, I will gladly play catcher in Biyuh SheLo Kedarko with a big sweaty Yeshiva Bochur named Lazer.”However, the Vilna Goyn suggests that Rav Moishe Chaim Luzzato and Rebbe Nachman MiBreslov probably spent a bit too much time hanging out at the Mikvah on Erev Yoim Kippur. He writes farkhert in Chuddushe HaGruh, “In Klal Yisroel, we don't have homosexuals. We don't have that in our Kehillah. In Yiddishkeit, we do not have this phenomenon. I don't know who's told you that we have it.”Instead, the Gruh points to the seasonal nature of Shaloish Regalim as the true reason we celebrate on Simchas Toirah. He notes that just as Peysach is Chag HaAviv – the Spring Festival, and Shavuois is Chag HaBikurim – the Harvest Festival, Shmini Atzeres -- and especially Simchas Toirah -- celebrate something critical in the calendric cycle of Klal Yisroel and of Kol HaOilam Kooloh in general.To make his point, the Gruh cites a famous machloikess. The Tur asks, [...]



Sukkois Drasha

2017-10-04T11:33:11.510-04:00

To subscribe, send an e-mail to NPOJ8@YAHOO.COM with the word "Subscribe"====================================================Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Rabbi-Pinky-Schmeckelstein/621655891273622====================================================THE COLLECTED WRITINGS OF RABBI PINKY SCHMECKELSTEINhttp://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Rabbi_Pinky====================================================Sukkois DrashaOn this holiday, the yuntif of Sukkois, we wave fresh fruit at the sky for seven days, and eat in an open air beehive. We cap it off by dancing cheek to cheek with a bunch of bearded men. (I have a date with a talmid named Yerachmiel; I hope I get lucky!) According to Chazzal, Sukkois is the time when Moshiach will come. And according to Reb Hai Goyn, it is the holiday when you are supposed to separate yourself from the secular world. He cites as proof the fact that you are forced to take off so many work days right before end of year reviews, you might as well start polishing up your resume.The RI holds that Sukkois is actually a celebration of homosexuality. When Klal Yisroel were preparing for the long winter, planting in the fields by day and sleeping in huts at night, at the end of a long day they would sit down bichavrusa (in pairs) and study a little Talmud. One minute they are on daf yud baiz, amud alef, and the next minute they are on the floor, committing Mishkav Zachor. And who can blame them? I get excited by a gevaldik Toisfois myself!The RI cites various Sukkois practices as proof for his position:- We wave our phallic lulavim on the faces of all the other men, boasting about how ours is the biggest in the shul;- Alongside our lulav is our esroig, where the gemarrah tells us that the more bulbous and full of veins, the better;- We commit a sadomasochistic act with a handful of willow branches; - We dance around the Toirah with other men, our fingers firmly entwined with others' hot, sweaty, hairy hands.However, most Rishoinim disagree with the RI, referring to his rather abrupt departure from his position as director of the all boys Orthodox summer camp in Northern Lithuania (although they settled out of Baiz Din, so no one can prove a damn thing).The RIF points to the beauty of the Sukkah celebration as a unique mitzvah within Yiddishkeit. Fresh fruit. The outdoors. Many Rishoinim hold that you should live in the Sukkah for eights days. It says in the Gemmarah that Rish Lakish would move into the Sukkah, and use it as an excuse for not having to deal with his mother in law all week. Rav Ashi, on the other hand, insisted that his mother in law sleep in the Sukkah, and take one or two of the kids with her.The Sukkah offers many opportunities to be Hiddur Mitzvah, to go above and beyond the letter of the commandment. It is customary to decorate the Sukkah with pictures and other decorations. (Vooz iz givehn plastic fruit, anyway? I understand the Reform decorate their Sukkahs with shrimp.)According to Rabbeinu Tam, it is actually a Mitzvah Dioraisa to buy Christmas decorations in January at fifty percent off, to be used in decorating the Sukkah the following year: Flashing lights. Ornaments. Candy canes. Indeed, one year the Vilna Goyn decorated his Sukkah with a nativity scene he bought for six dollars.There are other things that one can do with a Sukkah. A Braisah brings down a story of Rabbi Elazar Ben Azariah, who, as a teenager, had the roof removed from his family's minivan so that he could drive down to the beach and be mekayaim the mitzvois of pleasuring his girlfriend and eating in the sukkah at the same time. What a tzaddik!Yet the most beautiful element of Sukkois, and the aspect most shrouded in mystery, is the mitzvah of esroig. I still can't figure it out. It looks like a lemon. It smells like a lemon. It even tastes like a lemon. Bu[...]



Yoim Kippur Drasha

2017-09-29T13:00:44.433-04:00

To subscribe,send an e-mail to NPOJ8@YAHOO.COM with the word "Subscribe"====================================================Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Rabbi-Pinky-Schmeckelstein/621655891273622====================================================THE COLLECTED WRITINGS OF RABBI PINKY SCHMECKELSTEIN http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Rabbi_Pinky ====================================================Yoim Kippur DrashaYou good for nothing Menuval, you have sinned all year long, and now you are going to pay for it!From Kol Nidrei at sundown until the blowing of the Shofar, you will be cramped into an overcrowded room surrounded by unshowered, unshaven men whose empty stomachs are growling louder than the chazzan. But look at the bright side: at least you get your exercise. Between the frequent and incessant beating of your chest and the four instances of full kneeling, you have become a Moslem Tarzan. Shkoiyach.Chazzal spent many, many hours contemplating the true meaning of Yoim Kippur, while awaiting the horses to reach the finish line. There is a famous machloikess (rabbinic debate) in Yuma on the subject between Bais Shammai and Bais Hillel. Bais Shammai holds that the true commandment of the Toirah is that you should sin all year long, and then repent on Yoim Kippur. Bais Hillel, on the other hand, holds that you should strictly avoid sin all year long, and then enjoy a nice honey glazed ham right after Kol Nidrei. Of course, this is one of the fourteen instances when we hold like Bais Shammai (along with such critical issues as not using toilet paper on Shabbos and the infield fly rule.)The Reshoinim struggled to define the metaphor by which we can understand how the Jewish People should look upon a single day in which they can redeem themselves for past mistakes and plan for the next year without the aid of a good tax advisor or financial planner.According to the Rabbeinu Tam, Yoim Kippur is like an all day telethon, where the Aimishteh is raising funds and support for the coming year, and you are asked to contribute of your soul. The ROISH disagrees, using the same metaphor, but reversing it. Says the ROISH, YOU are hosting the telethon, and are appealing to the Rebboinoisheloilum for his support, and you refuse to go off the air until He is ready to write you a check. (And if He pledges 75 dollars or more, you'll send Him an autographed CD of Luciano Pavoratti in concert.)The RIF holds that the true metaphor for Yoim Kippur is that of the annual performance review. Hakkodoshboruchhu is your manager, and at review time, He reaches out to your colleagues, your superiors, your subordinates, and your clients, soliciting feedback on your performance. He looks at your numbers. He checks how often you have been absent or late to shul. He then synthesizes the information and decides your fate. Will you be terminated? Will you get a raise? Will you get a better bonus? Will you get a hot new secretary?But how can you protect yourself as the Aimishteh's employee? How can you best ensure a positive year? According to the Pas Akum, this metaphor explains one of the age old questions, which is: Why does Sukkois so closely follow Yoim Kippur? Say the Aimishteh decides to terminate you. What can you do? Can you prove wrongful dismissal? Says the Pas Akum, we stand before Hakkodoshboruchhu four days after Yoim Kippur and wave our phallic looking palm branches at heaven as if to say, "if you terminate me, I'll sue you for sexual harassment!" And in the current politically correct environment, even He has to be careful.We prepare for this holiest day of days with the greatest degree of sobriety. We set aside Ten Days Of Atonement for spiritual introspection. We say Selichois, special prayers beseeching the Aimishteh for forgiveness. We blow the shoifa[...]



Roish Hashanah Drasha

2017-09-19T17:32:01.664-04:00

To subscribe, send an e-mail to NPOJ8@YAHOO.COM with the word "Subscribe"====================================================Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Rabbi-Pinky-Schmeckelstein/621655891273622====================================================THE COLLECTED WRITINGS OF RABBI PINKY SCHMECKELSTEINhttp://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Rabbi_Pinky====================================================Roish Hashanah DrashaI have recently returned to the Bais Medrish in my Yeshiva, where our talmidim are studying twenty-two hours a day in preparation for the Yomim Noraim (High Holidays), as well as for their upcoming Real Estate license exams.This week we will celebrate and embrace Roish Hashanah, the New Year, pray for forgiveness of our past sins, and moan about the need to pay extra for seats when we are already spending too much as it is on annual synagogue membership.In a famous Mishnah in Masechta Roish Hashanah, Rabban Gamliel asks why synagogues charge for seats on the High Holidays -- shouldn't they embrace all who attend services and not put up any potential barriers to their participation? In the Gemarrah, Rav Pappa builds on this question, pointing out that Jewish communal responsibilities also include Yeshiva tuition, kosher food and paying off the annoying schnorrers who show up at our doors uninvited. So why must shuls engage in Lifnei Iver and chase away any returnees to the faith?Toisfois offers a gevaldik answer to this question, based on lessons we learn from Yaakov and Eisav. As Eisav returns from a day of hunting empty handed and hungry, Yaakov tricks Eisav into surrendering his birthright by giving him a bowl of lentil soup in exchange. Says Toisfois, we must choose to be like one or the other -- either fiscally bankrupt like Eisav, or morally bankrupt like Yankif Avinu. And clearly most shuls in our day choose the latter.This rabbinic shakuvetaria (discourse) very much helps to define and capture the essence of our existential quandary at this time of year. The question really is: why do we have one special point in the year for repentance and renewal; are we not always encouraged, and even invited, to improve ourselves, or to at least make a healthy donation? Indeed, what is the nature of the choice that confronts us? How does Roish Hashanah help us along a new path?(And an additional key question is: why was I assigned THAT seat, next to that guy I can't stand, and so far from the aisle that I may as well pee in my pants during mussaf?)The classical answer is that the sound of the shoifar-- the ram's horn -- is intended to awaken within us our innate desire to embrace the Aimishteh through repentance and the fulfilling of Kol HaToirah Kooloh. Clearly, whoever came up with this response never heard the shoifar blown in the Yeshiva where I received Smicha (rabbinical ordainment), where, to insure that each shofar note is 100% koisher, they repeat the blows again and again. And again. And again. It's enough to make the Rosheshiva himself pray to Yushka for salvation.Reb Hai Gaon offers an alternate answer, suggesting that Roish Hashanah is like a woman getting a facial. Sure she can put on makeup every day, but the act of spending eighty-five dollars to get her pores cleansed makes the meeskeit at least FEEL prettier.Rabbi Akiva Eigar points to the three central themes of the Roish Hashanah liturgy as providing the answer: Malchiyois, Zichroinois, and Shoifrois. Malchiyois represents the father, Zichroinois the son, and Shoifrois the holy ghost. Of course, Reb Akiva is known for his secret affinity for Catholicism and his attraction to hot nuns.But the Chassam Soifer points to the same three themes. He says that Malchiyois, the theme of the Kingdom of heaven, is like your father, who, no matter how succes[...]



On Teshuvah

2017-09-15T12:11:14.521-04:00

To subscribe, send an e-mail to NPOJ8@YAHOO.COM with the word "Subscribe"====================================================Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Rabbi-Pinky-Schmeckelstein/621655891273622====================================================THE COLLECTED WRITINGS OF RABBI PINKY SCHMECKELSTEINhttp://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Rabbi_Pinky====================================================On TeshuvahRabboisai,There is a famous story in the Zoihar Hakadoish that describes the ritual in Shamayim whereby the Ain Soif delivers an annual report immediately prior to Roish Hashanah before a joint session of the Sefirois, the Malachim, the Tzaddikim, and the Neshsamois of the unborn. The Zoihar also reports that one year, during this annual gathering, Hakadoshboruchhu noted that the world was expected to have a peaceful year, without any additional persecution directed at Klal Yisroel. Suddenly, the spirit of Nosson HaNavi shouted out, “You lie!” towards the Aimishteh. Rabbi Akiva and Rabbi Tarfon forcibly removed Nosson HaNavi from the room, and after numerous apologies to the Reboinoisheloilum and his Chief of Staff, the Buddha, he was banished to Eretz Yisroel, where he is fated to spend all of eternity as one of the guys who do random ticket inspections on Egged busses.There is also a Medrish in Medrish Tanchuma that talks about the annual PYW (Pumbedisa Yeshiva World) Awards. One year Rava was honored with the “Chiddush of the Year” award for his “Yeyush Shehlo Mida’as Loi Havei Yeyush” insight. As he was standing at the Shtender to accept his award, Rav Huna burst onto the Bimah and screamed out to the crowd of Yeshivah-Yingeleit, “Sure, Rava, your Chiddush was okay. But Rav Ashi really deserved the award for his ‘Yoim Toiv Shaynee Shel Goliyois Does Not Apply In Antarctica’ Chiddush. No offense, Dude.” After being booed off the Bimah and having a sandal thrown at his head, Rav Huna apologized for his outburst and blamed his behavior on the Besomim-laced mead he had been drinking all day, and also on the fact that he had not been adequately molested by his Rebbe when he was a teenager.Finally, there is a famous story in a Gemarrah in Gittin that describes the detailed ruling associated with the Bavel Open, the annual sporting contest where leading Rabbis would throw turbans at each other across the Bais Medrish in Sura. The Gemara notes how one year Rav Chisda was disqualified in the quarterfinals against Rav Pappa by the line judge, Mar Zutra, when he threatened to “ram his turban so far up Mar Zutra’s ‘Bor’ that Mar Zutra would have to make an Eirev Chatzayrois every time he needed to go to the bathroom on Shabbos-Koidesh.” He later explained that he had been misunderstood, and that he really meant that Mar Zutra would need to make an Erev Tavshilin before eating on a Shabbos following a Yoim Toiv. But Rav Chisda finally apologized to Mar Zutra after Rav Shayshess threatened to make him pay a fine of thirty thousand zuzim and three goats. Shoyn.I share this collection of stories as we engage in the spiritual exercise known as Teshuvah – repentance. Every year, after a full twelve months of being Mezaneh with hot shiksas -- at least in your mind you Minuval, after eating pork or shrimp or lobster, or cottage cheese that’s not Cholov Yisroel, Chass V’Sholom, or after murdering your neighbor for 12 dollars in loose change, cutting up his body into little pieces, and burying the pieces in the backyard between the rose bushes and the apple tree, near where you once buried the bunny rabbit that your cat had killed just to shut your children up already, Reboinoisheloilumdammit…. Ummm…sorry. After a year of committing Aveirois, you get in front of Hakad[...]



Parshas Kee Suhvoh

2017-09-08T09:50:02.113-04:00

To subscribe, send an e-mail to NPOJ8@YAHOO.COM with the word "Subscribe"====================================================Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Rabbi-Pinky-Schmeckelstein/621655891273622====================================================THE COLLECTED WRITINGS OF RABBI PINKY SCHMECKELSTEINhttp://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Rabbi_Pinky====================================================Parshas Kee SuhvohThis week's Parsha, Parshas Kee Suhvoh, features the most acidic chapter in the entire Toiras Moishe: the Toichecha, or Rebuke, in which Moishe Rabbeinu lays out the negative consequences of Klal Yisroel disobeying the Rebboinoisheloilum. The punishments include death, insanity, poverty, exile, children taken away from parents, impotence, and significantly higher taxes.Let's be perfectly frank -- You do not want to go to Shul this week to hear the Parsha! Stay home, put your feet up, watch a pay-per-view, do a little mitzvah with your wife, do a little work in the garage, unstop the toilets, change the cat litter, clean for Pesach eight months early -- anything to not have to listen to this Parsha. And if you do you go to shul, bring plenty of reading material.Why, the stuff in this Parsha is so harsh, it can even get my mother-in-law to stop talking for a few minutes, Imirtza Hashem.A Gemarrah in Baba Metzia cites a Braisa in which Rabbi Akiva asks: Why is Hakadoshboruchhu so damn angry at Klal Yisroel all the time? Rav Huna answers that when we were young, the Aimishteh once sent us to the store to buy eggs, but we never gave Him back all the change, and he has held a grudge ever since.However, Rabbi Abba suggests that the Rebboinoisheloilum’s anger is linked to the definition of the Jews being the "Chosen People." Rabbi Abba cites the traditional view of Shir HaShirim in which the male Hakadoshboruchhu sees Klal Yisroel as the nation chosen to be His wife. And when a Jew is unfaithful and does something against a direct command, such as worshiping idols or eating fish and meat with the same plastic fork at a Kiddush, He gives in to His uncontrollable jealous temper and smacks us around a bit. Rabbi Abba goes on to say that we really did deserve it, and promise not to tell the neighbors how we got our black eye, just that He should please not do it ever again.Rabbi Abba quotes a beautiful Medrish that says that in the heavenly realm of the Aimishteh, where He sits on His throne of fire surrounded by angels playing harps, violins, flutes and accordions, as the human world recites this Parsha once a year, after each Passuk the Rebboinoisheloilum responds "One of these days Alice, one of these days! POW, right in the kisser!"Rava disagrees. He suggests that indeed Klal Yisroel was chosen, but not as a wife. Rather, we were chosen to be a pet dog. And just like a pet dog, we require discipline whenever we go on the carpet. And we shouldn't complain, because if He ever really tires of us we might get dropped off at the local pound.Abaye agrees that we are like pets. However, he suggests that we are more like a pet goldfish. We are surrounded by other fish, some larger and some smaller. We get fed once a day if we're lucky. We have little or no real interaction with our benefactor. Other fish are constantly nipping at out tailfins. There is poop on the bottom of the tank and algae building up on the walls. The filter breaks down once in a while. And the best we can hope for is that at the end of 120 years we will die a natural death and be flushed down the toilet. Says Abaye, this Parsha is the best reason yet to convert to Catholicism. The only reason he doesn't is because he would rather have someone nipping at his tails than fondling his fins, if [...]



Parshas Shoiftim

2017-08-25T14:58:20.032-04:00

To subscribe, send an e-mail to NPOJ8@YAHOO.COM with the word "Subscribe"====================================================Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Rabbi-Pinky-Schmeckelstein/621655891273622====================================================THE COLLECTED WRITINGS OF RABBI PINKY SCHMECKELSTEINhttp://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Rabbi_Pinky====================================================Parshas ShoiftimRabboisai,Reading this week's Parsha, Shoiftim, left me confused and bleary eyed. So many topics to cover, so little time. True testimony. False testimony. True prophets. False prophets. Magicians. Conquest. Egla Arufa. Moishe Rabbeinu must have had one too many cappuccinos that morning. I suspect he might have even been on speed, Chass V'Sholom.In this week’s Parsha, Moishe Rabbeinu tells us that a defendant can be convicted of a crime through the testimony of either two or three witnesses. But the Parsha tells us this law in two separate places. What's Pshat?According to a Mishnah in Yuma, Moishe repeated himself because he was showing signs of early Alzheimer’s.But according to a Gemarrah in Yevamois, the first mention of the rule about witnesses refers to legal testimony and the judicial system. But the second mention of the rule is brought down by the Toirah to teach us something not about law, but about marital relationships: While marital relations between two people, a husband and a wife, are sanctified in the eyes of the Aimishteh, He doesn't mind if every once in a while you bring in a third partner to "spice up the cholent."Commenting on this Gemarrah, Toisfois points out that the second reference in the Parsha to the rule requiring two or three witnesses is juxtaposed to the rules of conquest: In the section immediately following the second mention of the rule, the Toirah tells us that when you conquer a foreign land, you should slay all the males, but keep the women and children for yourselves. Says Toisfois, the Parsha wants to teach us an important lesson: When you do have a third person join you in your marital relations, the Toirah suggests she be a hot shiksa. And the Toirah teaches this within the context of discussing military conquest so we will know that a little Bondage and Discipline is okay.The RIF, however, holds, that a little S and M may be in order as well, as long as it does not lead to bloodshed, which would instantly raise up a Chashash of Nidah and spoil all the fun, Chass V'Sholom.However, the Bais Yoiseph holds that the entire Gemarrah of Yevamois must have been written when the Amoraim were having a "bad day," and that Toisfois and the RIF were too busy thinking with their Bris Milahs.The Bais Yoiseph holds that the reason the Toirah repeats itself on the rule about witnesses is to warn us that if we hire two false witnesses to testify in our favor during a tax fraud hearing, we should always hire an extra witness, just in case one of the witnesses turns states evidence. He brings as proof the whole, strange Halacha of the Egla Arufa.As the Toirah states, if an unidentified dead body is found between two towns, and a murderer is not identified, the elders of the towns must sacrifice a lamb as part of a proclamation of the towns' innocence. According to the Bais Yoiseph, this is clearly a situation involving a cover up, and the Toirah is encouraging you to have some false witnesses up your sleeve who are willing to testify against some unwitting scapegoat.But the Hesech Hadaas (B. 1280 -- D. ?) states that the Egla Arufa has no link whatsoever to any other topic in Parshas Shoiftim. Indeed, he holds that the Egla Arufa really belongs in Shmois, following the drowning of the Egyptian Army in the[...]



Presidential Endorsement by Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein: Donald J. Trump

2017-08-18T12:46:42.489-04:00

To subscribe, send an e-mail to NPOJ8@YAHOO.COM with the word "Subscribe"====================================================Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Rabbi-Pinky-Schmeckelstein/621655891273622====================================================THE COLLECTED WRITINGS OF RABBI PINKY SCHMECKELSTEINhttp://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Rabbi_Pinky====================================================Presidential Endorsement by Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein: Donald J. TrumpRabboisai,What a busy week it has been, in my role as Rabbinic Advisor to President Donald J. Trump SHLITA. He has done such a terrific job mediating the cultural debates in American society, and has shown his Solomonic Wisdom by sawing the baby in half , AKA dividing the American People. But this is not a problem, as most are descendents of immigrants anyway.I have had the opportunity this week to have lunch with fellow leaders, including the Grand Wizard of the KKK and the New Fuhrer of the American Nazi Party. I found them to be gracious and polite. And non-demanding. Indeed, they never asked me to pass anything over from my side of the table, and refused to eat from any plate that I touched.Our conversation focused on was the single greatest American. The Grand Wizard claimed that the greatest American ever was Robert E. Lee, given his distinguished record in the US military and his leadership of the army of the Confederate States of America. The New Fuhrer suggested that the greatest American was Henry ford, given his contribution to the mass production of cars and his publication of important histories of Jewish conspiracies in America. I, on the other hand, argued that the greatest American was John Fitzgerald Kennedy, given that he took his responsibility as a politician to screw the country quite literally, as he has tried to have sex with every woman who ever walked into the White House as long as Jackie had her back turned.In any case, I did not have time to prepare a new Drasha for Shabbos, so I am resending my presidential endorsement of Donald J. Trump SHLITA, as I believe that like all good Toirah, it is timeless.In any case, I wish you a Gutten Shabbos now, as I have to run off and polich the silver Kiddish Becher in my china cabinet and the bronze statue of Jefferson Davis in front of my Shul in time for Shabbos.Shoyn.---------Rabboisai,Shtayt in Passook, it says in the Toirah: Sefer Republicans, Parshas 2016 Presidential Race, Perek Lamud Chess, Passook Aleph through Passook Yood Tesssss:(א) Vayoimer Donald El Billy Bush Leymor -- And Donald sayeth to Billy Bush, saying. (ב) "I moved on her, and I failed. I’ll admit it.”(ג) “Whoa,” said, Billy Bush, who was also knowneth by his nickname, Burning.(ד) “I did try and fuck her. She was married,” Donald said. (ה) "And I moved on her very heavily. In fact, I took her out furniture shopping.” (ו) “She wanted to get some furniture.” (ז) “I said, ‘I’ll show you where they have some nice furniture.’” (ח) “I moved on her like a bitch, but I couldn’t get there. And she was married." (ט) And Donald paused thoughtfully. (י) "Then all of a sudden I see her, she’s now got the big phony tits and everything. She’s totally changed her look.”(יא) At that point, Donald and Burning saweth Arianne Zucker, the actress waiting to escort them to the town well.(יב) “Your girl’s hot as shit, in the purple,” said Burning.(יג) “Whoa!” Donald sayeth. “Whoa. I’ve got to use some Tic Tacs, just in case I start kissing her.”(יד) “You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful — I just start kissing [...]



NEW: On Sacred Secret Traditions

2017-08-04T16:52:21.735-04:00

To subscribe, send an e-mail to NPOJ8@YAHOO.COM with the word "Subscribe"====================================================Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Rabbi-Pinky-Schmeckelstein/621655891273622====================================================THE COLLECTED WRITINGS OF RABBI PINKY SCHMECKELSTEINhttp://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Rabbi_Pinky====================================================NEW: On Sacred Secret TraditionsRabboisai,I would like to start this week's Drasha by sharing a true story. This past Shabboskoidesh I was engaged in a fundraising trip to a small Shtetyl in Eastern Europe. After Davening, where there was not a complete Minyan, I sat down with three members of the small Kehilla for Kiddush and Moitzee. Discussion spread from comparing Jewish life in the vibrant communities of the United States to the struggles to maintain and sustain a form of Jewish life in a community with only remnants of the robust Jewish life that horrifically disappeared in the Shoah.At one point, a senior member of the Kehilla asserted that there are many rabbis who believe that Israel's ongoing struggles with the Palestinians, HAMAS and Hezbollah were in fact the cosmic result of the many Jews in Israel who do not observe the Mitzvois. I retorted that what my new friend stated was a philosophical opinion, one which I do not share. I commented that sitting here in the tiny communal remnant of an Eastern European Shtetyl, the notion was impossible to believe, as it was comparable to stating that my family and six million others were slaughtered because of the Reboinoisheloilum’s anger about the Reform Movement or some other such nonsense occasionally voiced by some Rabbonim. I noted my personal belief and the normative Rabbinic dictum that we cannot understand the nature of Hakadoishboruchhu, His, thoughts, or His actions.The debate went on for a 20 minutes or so, in civil voices and an air of mutual respect, with me referring to the RAMBAM's description of the Aimishteh as being beyond comprehension, and the Kabbalists' efforts to illustrate the nature of the Reboinoisheloilum-head as far more complex than the simplistic linear explanation of the Toirah: If the Jews are good, good things happen to us; but if the Jews misbehave, Hakadoishboruchhu "hides His face". For such simplistic logic did not hold true in history any more than it holds true today.After Benching, the four of us walked through the traditional Jewish Quarter, and the oldest of the group pointed out the store that was once his mother's bakery, prior to the Shoah.Shoyn.-----RabboisaiKlal Yisroel is on a downward spiral. Here we are, in the midst of what many feel is a period of Reishis Smichas Geulasainu, the dawn of our redemption, but Klal Yisroel cannot help itself. Just when Eliyahu HaNavi is circling on his flying ass, looking for a place to land, you Menuvals always seem to find some way to screw it up.I was recently visiting some Talmidim from Lakewood. They are Tzadikim - they never miss a Mincha, even behind bars - and they reported that in the federal penitentiary there are Yidden who shave with a blade. A blade!!! Why, that is a Dioraisah!!! What can these people possibly be thinking?!?!Similarly, when I walk the streets of Brooklyn and Yerushalayim I see women who go with their hair uncovered. It is difficult enough for a man like me at this time of year to hold off from masturbating like a monkey while walking down the street, but to be tempted by the fruit of a woman's follicles is beyond what I can bear. (I personally think that the federal government should pay for Sheytels - It would likely significantly[...]



On Optimism and Shivas Tziyon (The Return To Zion)

2017-07-21T08:49:18.399-04:00

To subscribe,send an e-mail to NPOJ8@YAHOO.COM with the word "Subscribe"====================================================Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Rabbi-Pinky-Schmeckelstein/621655891273622====================================================THE COLLECTED WRITINGS OF RABBI PINKY SCHMECKELSTEIN http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Rabbi_Pinky ====================================================On Optimism and Shivas Tziyon (The Return To Zion)Rabboisai,The following is a true story. I was walking by myself on the back roads of Gush Etzion many years ago - the roads that are not paved, that go through ancient vineyards built in stepped irrigation. These roads may even date back to Roman times.As I was walking -- in my cocky teenage walk -- an older Arab man came up to me. I thought to myself, "Rebboinoisheloilum, now I am going to die. Shema Yisrael AdoiShem Eloikaynu AdoiShem Echaddddd." Instead he gave me a large batch of grapes, and refused to take money for them, no matter how much I insisted.Such is the nature of the Arab Israeli conflict. It defies basic understanding, because it is rooted in emotion, not rationality.-----Rabboisai, one of my Talmidois reached out to me in despair last week, ruing the latest events in Israel and Gaza. In this case, it was the believed capture of an Israelis soldier. "When will it end?" she asked. "Is it hopeless?"Rabboisai, a late uncle of mine, a veteran of the early days of the State, used to make a half joke about Israel: He said that the pessimists in Israel speak Yiddish. But the optimists speak Arabic.I never quite understood what he meant. But given that he was born in China (Mamish!), was raised speaking Russian, was taught English and French in school, and learned Hebrew and other languages later, I am surprised that he could form a cohesive sentence in a single language.My uncle's experience, as a purely secular Jew, was quite typical of his generation. After making Aliyah with his parents and brother, he helped build the State. He likely never learned a piece of Gemarrah in his life, so never had the joy of diving into a Gevaldikkah Toisfois after a quick dip in the Mikvah, never had the pleasure of engaging in a Machloikess with his Chavrusa, and undoubtedly never undertook the Mitzvah of Shiluach HaKan. He never wore a Shtreimel and his wife never wore a Sheytel. Yet he was born a Jew, lived as a Jew, and died as a Jew. He served in the army, as did his children. He paid his taxes. And when he went to the Oilum Ha'Emes, he left children and grandchildren to continue his legacy. His experience is typical.-----Do you, you Minuval, believe that modern Israel became magically populated with Jews one day, who answered the call to come live in their ancestral homeland? No, you Vilda Chaya! Shivassss Tziyoin, the return of the Jews to Zion, has been a long, drawn out process of at least 150 years.Even before Theodore Herzl, there was the First Aliyah and the Second Aliyah. There were Chareidim who came and settled. There were indigenous Jews who can trace their ancestry in the Land of Israel back centuries.And then of course there were the waves of immigration: Following the pogroms of the early twentieth century; in the days leading up to the collapse of Jewish life in Germany; during World War II; after the hell fires of the Shoah, before Statehood; and wave after wave of immigration following the establishment of the State -- survivors from Eastern Europe, Jews from Western Europe, Jews from Egypt and Iraq and Morocco and Israel and Yemen and elsewhere in the Arab world. Jews arriving in secret wave[...]



Parshas Balak

2017-07-06T21:51:31.330-04:00

To subscribe,send an e-mail to NPOJ8@YAHOO.COM with the word "Subscribe"====================================================Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Rabbi-Pinky-Schmeckelstein/621655891273622====================================================THE COLLECTED WRITINGS OF RABBI PINKY SCHMECKELSTEIN http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Rabbi_Pinky ====================================================Parshas Balak In this week's Parsha, Parshas Balak, we are provided a welcome respite from the usual rigmarole of the Toirah -- no Moishe Rabbeinu, no Aharoin the minuval, no vilda chaya Klal Yisroel -- until the very end of the Parsha. No regulations regarding sacrifices or other Priestly responsibilities. No critical laws that continue to enrich our lives until today, such as the prohibition against eating creeping insects while having relations with your father's wife on Yoim Kippur. The RAMBAN asks the obvious question: why does the Toirah veer away from focusing on Klal Yisroel, the Chosen People, the Goy Kadoish, and focuses instead on Bilaam, Balak, and a talking she-ass? What’s Pshat? The Tzitz Eliezer suggests that the Rebboinoisheloilum was suffering from writer's block, and was forced to plagiarize a script he found on the Internet in order to meet His tight deadline. But the Schvantz Mordechai vehemently disagrees, saying that the Aimishteh was renowned for delivering his scripts on time, but that union issues with the Screen Actors Guild resulted in a walk out by Moishe and the rest of Klal Yisroel, requiring some quick rewrites and recasting with low cost fill ins ("scabs" in Yiddish). By Parsha's end, of course, the strike was settled, just in time to enjoy the usual hijinks of Klal Yisroel being smitten by a plague that killed twenty-four thousand. He cites as proof a medrish in Yechezkel Rabbah suggesting that the reason Moishe wasn't allowed into Eretz Yisroel was because his affinity for labor was expected to make Yehoshua's right-wing coalition unstable. So what of Bilaam and Balak? The Gemarrah, in discussing this Parsha, notes how strange it is that Bilaam is portrayed by the Toirah as having a personal relationship with Hakkadoshboruchhu, referring to him by name, and mentioning several times that Bilaam had His personal cell phone number. Says the Gemmarah, according to a Bas Kol (a voice emanating from heaven), Bilaam was in fact not associated with the Rebboinoisheloilum at all. Says the Bas Kol, "The Aimishteh denies that any alleged contacts with Mr. Bilaam took place at any time, and expresses that any alleged leaks were certainly unintentional and not a violation of Federal law. As well, Hakkadoshboruchhu has engaged a private counsel, and will have nothing else to say on this matter at this time." Rav Huna rejects the Bas Kol, citing credibility issues arising from previous high level leaks that took place following the "Golden Calf" affair. Instead, he suggests that the Bilaam story is actually a legend created by the author of the E text in order to support Israelite claims of manifest destiny over Moabite territories by referring to Bilaam, a historical Near Eastern shaman. Unfortunately, Rav Huna disappeared without a trace before he could prove his theory. Rav Ashi suggests, however, that Bilaam did indeed have a relationship with the Rebboinoisheloilum, but tried to exploit that relationship in order to develop his own following and offer an alternative religion, a substitute to Toiras Moishe. He points to a medrish that says that Bilaam was supported b[...]



On Unity and Division in Klal Yisroel

2017-06-22T21:25:05.912-04:00

To subscribe,send an e-mail to NPOJ8@YAHOO.COM with the word "Subscribe"====================================================Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Rabbi-Pinky-Schmeckelstein/621655891273622====================================================THE COLLECTED WRITINGS OF RABBI PINKY SCHMECKELSTEINhttp://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Rabbi_Pinky====================================================On Unity and Division in Klal YisroelRabboisai.I am writing a special Drasha for you this week in light of the current circumstances in Klal Yisroel.I was eating a salad yesterday that I bought from a Glatt Koisher restaurant when I ran into one of my colleagues, Rabbi Herschel Schachter, who suggested that because there was broccoli in my salad, and broccoli may contain microscopic bugs, I am like Zimri Ben Salu HaShimoinee, leading to a perversion of Klal Yisroel. And only he, in the role akin to Pinchas Ben Eliezer, has the courage to halt my sinful actions by disemboweling me with a spear through my midriff.I responded to Reb Herschel that by pointing out such an inconsequential Narishkeit, he is like Yeruvum Ben Nevat, splintering Israel into a separate communities, and in doing so is creating false idols reminiscent of the Kruvim on top of the Aroin HaKoidesh, only with larger Schvantzyls. And I suggested that Hakadoishboruchhu is destined to take His revenge on Reb Herschel and his male descendants, probably by ruining their Tzitzis in the washing machine and by making their Shmaasers wilt on Mitzvah night.Rabboisai, we are living at a time when Achdus Yisroel Einenah, the unity of Israel is no more. Once upon a time Klal Yisroel stood united around Har Sinai to receive the Toirah from Hakadoshboruchhu. There was thunder. There was lightning. There was music. U2 opened, followed by Crosby Stills Nash and Young. Then came Lady Gaga and Lipa Shmeltzer. Then Joe Cocker and the Miami Boys Choir, followed by the Toronto Pirchei. And then Jimi Hendrix brought down the house with his psychedelic guitar rendition of "Zarah Chayah V’Kayamah".After saying "Na'aseh V'Nishmah" Am Yisroel waited together for Moishe Rabbeinu to ascend the mountain, and stayed encamped at the base of Har Sinai for 40 days and 40 nights. Klal Yisroel was connected as never before. Men learned Toirah all night. Women recited Tehilim. Kids played card games. The was hookah. Local Sinaitic Besomim were passed around, and lots of Leytzonois V’Simcha Dioraisa, A.K.A. LSD. Free love reigned. Six months later thousands of couples got married, Boruch Hashem. And three month after that thousands of babies were born, Kenayna Hurrah! It was a time of peace, love, and understanding, Man!!!But not today. Look around at the divisiveness that defines Klal Yisroel:The secular in Israel are trying to force their evil will upon the Ultra Orthodox by compelling the Chareidim to contribute to the State through participating in military or national service and pursuing employment. The Ultra Orthodox are resisting a change in the status quo and believe that due to their Toirah study and piety, they are entitled to have large families, be exempt from the army, refrain from secular education, and be supported by the State that most of them are ideologically opposed to.The progressive Orthodox are trying to expand the role of women within traditional frames of reference, while the traditional Orthodox are opposed to innovation, and see such changes as outside the scope of tradition.In Israel, the left seeks to make territorial concessions in exchange for a polit[...]



Parshas Shlach

2017-06-16T14:05:50.534-04:00

THE COLLECTED WRITINGS OF RABBI PINKY SCHMECKELSTEINhttp://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Rabbi_Pinky====================================================You are receiving this because you have subscribed to the NPOJ newsletter: Words of Torah Dripping With Sarcasm and Condescension.To subscribe,send an e-mail to NPOJ8@YAHOO.COM with the word "Subscribe"====================================================Rabboisai,Before I deliver my weekly Drasha, I would like to respond to several comments sent my way over the last two weeks. "Why" people have asked, "have you not published in the last two weeks? Have you become a Meshumid, or even worse, a Reform Jew?"Well, truth be told, there is a simple answer: I WORK FOR A LIVING!!And do you know why? Because you, my beloved Talmidim, are a bunch of good-for-nothing Mamzerim! How many of my books have you bought? How much have you contributed to my Yeshivah? It breaks my heart, especially when I read about the great wealth accumulated by several charlatans... err... great Rabbanim in Eretz Yisroel.http://www.haaretz.com/news/national/forbes-presents-the-richest-rabbis-in-israel-1.435748http://www.forbes.co.il/rating/list.aspx?en6v0tVq=EERebboinoisheloilumdammit! I expect you Talmidim to be buying my books and sending me checks left and right so can make this list next year!Otherwise I will no longer pray to Hakkadoshboruchhu on your behalf, hand out magical amulets, or give out Red Bendeleh strings to wear around your Schvantzyls (or your wrists, if you are a woman, Chass V'Sholom). Instead, I will daven for you to have erectile dysfunction or sagging Tzitzim.Pinky-----Parshas ShlachThis week's parsha, Shlach Lecha, is one of the most confusing Parshiyois in Kol Hatoirah Kooloh. Takkah, I had to read it three times to make sure it wasn't the latest issue of the National Enquirer. Or even worse, a Medrish.Moishe Rabbeinu sends twelve spies into Eretz Yisroel to determine the fertility of the land, the vulnerability of the local populations, and the volatility of interest rates. The Meraglim come back and claim at first that the land is fertile, but the locals are too intimidating. They later change their story to say that the land itself does not provide adequate sustenance. Why can't they make up their minds, those Mishagayim? Only Yehoshua and Culayv are optimistic about Klal Yisroel’s ability to conquer the land.Confusing point #1: What could these people have been thinking? I mean, why would Yehoshua and Culayv be interested in Eretz Yisroel? How about Madagascar? Or Dubai? What about Miami Beach? Or Brooklyn?Also, as the spies were surveying the Promised Land, why didn't the Meraglim note that the hotels are overpriced; the people are rude; it's hard to find a decent kosher meal in Tel Aviv; oh, and HALF THE POPULATION WANTS TO FREAKING KILL YOU!!!!Takkah, according to a Medrish in Divrei Hayamim Rabbah, the Meraglim never even made it into the heartland of Eretz Yisroel. Unbeknownst to Moishe Rabbeinu and the Bnei Yisroel, the spies secretly went down to Eilat and spent seven days on the beach ogling at the topless Scandinavian women.Confusing point #2: When Klal Yisroel, those Behaimas, panic and long to return to Egypt, the Reboinoisheloilum decides to kill them all. Moishe Rabbeinu pleads for their lives by using a somewhat surprising argument: (Bamidbar, Perek Yud Daled, Possuk Tess Vuv-Tess Zayin) “... if you (the Aimishteh) shall destroy this People in a single instance, the nations (of the world) which have heard of you will say, 'Hakado[...]



On the Whole Heter to Fly To Saudi Arabia On Shabboskoidesh Thing

2017-05-30T10:21:12.442-04:00

To subscribe, send an e-mail to NPOJ8@YAHOO.COM with the word "Subscribe"====================================================Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Rabbi-Pinky-Schmeckelstein/621655891273622====================================================THE COLLECTED WRITINGS OF RABBI PINKY SCHMECKELSTEINhttp://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Rabbi_Pinky====================================================On the Whole Heter to Fly To Saudi Arabia On Shabboskoidesh ThingRabboisai,What the Tashmish HaMitah!!There is a great deal of speculation out there about who gave the Psak Halacha to Jared and Ivanka enabling them to take off in a plane on a Friday and arrive on Shabboskoidesh to Saudi Arabia. The speculation can end. It was me, the Rabbinic Advisor to President of the United States Donald Trump SHLITA.(And by the way, I have also been given a second title: Christ Killer Advisor to Vice President Mike Pence.)People wonder about the legitimacy of the travel Psak. They wonder about the Halachic elements in the decision. The worry about the precedent it sets in the mind of the Gentile public re: Sabbath observance. And they contemplate how to get a similar Heter next time they go on vacation.Shoyn.I know that such people are asking these questions Lishmah. However, I fear they may also be subconsciously driven by dislike for President Trump SHLITA, and are applying their ire to every aspect of the current Administration, professional and personal. Why, some even wonder if President Trump was born in this country, and insist on seeing a birth certificate, given the fact that his father was from Kenya and he was educated in a Midrassa in Indonesia. Who ever heard of such a thing?!?!Yes, some of my friends, friends with whom I share many sensibilities and a similar world-view, in seeking "personal scandals" such as whether Jared Davened towards Mecca or Jerusalem while in Saudi Arabia, have begun to sound like a progressive version of Fox News. Only without the sexual harassment. I hope.Indeed, I did give a Heter to Jared and Ivanka to fly on Shabbos. And I would do it again. Here is my Halachic reasoning:In Beraishis, at the beginning of Parshas Vayayra (Genesis, Chapter 18), Avraham Avinu receives guests. And how does he entertain them? Does he offer them Meal Mart food? Does he order in from the Koisher Dunkin Donuts? No, you Mechutziff!! Shtayt in Passuk, "VaYikach Chem'ah V'Cholov, OoVen Ha Baker Asher Usuh, VaYitain, Lofneihem; Ve'Hoo Oimaid Aleihem Tachasssss HuAitz, VaYoicheilu". "And (Avraham) took butter and milk, and the calf that he had prepared for them, and set it before them; and he stood by them under a tree, and they ate." (Pasook Chesssssss; Verse 8).Now, as it turns out, these three "guests", we soon find out, are messengers of the Reboinoisheloilum. And how do they respond to the fact that Avraham Avinu served them Basar and Cholov, milk and meat? Did they accuse Avraham of being a bad Jew? Did they abandon their mission on behalf of Hakadoishboruchhu? Do they - not so politely - refuse the food, and ask for uncut vegetables on a paper plate and plastic cutlery? No, you Menuval! The three messengers ate the food, and they enjoyed it!Does anyone suggest that Avraham was not really observant? No, you Mechutziff! Members of Klal Yisroel cite this story all the time as a role model for behavior - Hachnassasss Orchim, showing hospitality to guests, even strangers. They also refer to the story as the best way to convene an Amway gathering.We see from h[...]



NEW -- Chadash Assur Min HaToirah

2017-05-19T09:37:35.783-04:00

To subscribe, send an e-mail to NPOJ8@YAHOO.COM with the word "Subscribe"====================================================Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Rabbi-Pinky-Schmeckelstein/621655891273622====================================================THE COLLECTED WRITINGS OF RABBI PINKY SCHMECKELSTEINhttp://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Rabbi_Pinky====================================================Chadash Assur Min HaToirahRabboisai,This week I had been planning to share with you the ultimate key to bringing Moishiach, the Shaym HaMephoirash, the ineffable name of Hakadoishboruchhu that has been passed down in my - MY - family, as I am the direct descendant of Moishe Rabbeinu, Eli HaKoihaon, and Yirmiyahi HaNavi. And in invoking the Name in this Drasha, in this large virtual Kehillah, I was going to trigger the Yemai HaMashaich, the Messianic Era and the End Of Days. It's about time, don't you think?In my role as President Donald Trump's Advisor For Spiritual Afffairs this week, I discussed my plan with President Trump SHLITA, and he though the idea was "Terrific!" He even wanted to know if we could brand the Third Bais HaMikdash as the "Trump Temple".However. President Trump inadvertently shared the Shaym HaMephoirash with the Russian Foreign Minister and Ambassador a week ago, and as they tried to use this ultimate weapon in their Zil limousines on the way back to the Russian Embassy, they upset the Reboinoishoilum, who only allows the use of the Shaym once in a generation. So Moshiach-Tzeit, the era of the Moshiach, will have to wait.Damn.But the good news is that some of my investments in Canadian real estate, the defense industry, and privately run prisons will now have time to grow in value. Baruch HaShem.Shoyn.----We start today's Drasha with a series of questions. Please bear with me; I know that you have the attention span of a Goilem who just drank six Espressois... errr... espressos.------ The Mishnah asks: "Ma'Amusai Koirin Ess Kriyas Shma Ba'Arvin?" From what point can we start reciting Kriyas Shma at night? I am not going to recite to you the entire Machloikess; if you are not intimately familiar with this very basic Mishnah, you should probably stop calling yourself a Jew and start worshipping Yushka, since you are an Am Ha'Aretz and add no value to Klal Yisroel whatsoever. Unless of course you are willing to write a big check, and then we will praise your value as a supporter of Toirah and Klal Yisroel and as a communal leader. Kenayna Hurrah!!-- We also have an adage in Klal Yisroel that begins, "Tuhdeer V'She'einoi Tuhdeer..." - When one has to prioritize the order of a liturgy, which comes first - the common or the uncommon? Again, I am not going to tell you the answer. You should know the answer, otherwise you should not be reading this Drasha, because you are not qualified to be a Jew. Instead, you should be fixing cars and doing projects that require sheetrock.-- When someone has a son, he has the opportunity to engage in the greatest Mitzvah in Klal Yisroel - LeHachnisoi Ess Bnei LeBrisoi Shel Avraham Avinu - to connect his son to the eternal covenant that Avraham Avinu forged with the Reboinoisheloilum. How does one do this? By having a Moihel perform a Bris, a circumcision, on the eighth day of life, or as soon after as possible in the event of medical complication. And what does the Bris include? The key ingredients are: Circumcision, Metzitza BiPeh, and and serving bagels and lox.You may raise concern[...]



Parshas Emor

2017-05-11T17:41:29.368-04:00

To subscribe,send an e-mail to NPOJ8@YAHOO.COM with the word "Subscribe"====================================================Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Rabbi-Pinky-Schmeckelstein/621655891273622====================================================THE COLLECTED WRITINGS OF RABBI PINKY SCHMECKELSTEINhttp://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Rabbi_Pinky====================================================Parshas EmorRabboisai,I strongly suggest you read this week's Parsha at your own risk. "Why?" you ask, you Minuval. Because a month hasn't even passed, and we are back at Pesach again. Reboinoisheloilum, I am still recovering from throwing my back out while removing the car seats from the minivan. It's a good thing too I cleaned under the seats in the car -- my Yetzer Hara might have tempted me to break into the car after the second Seder to snack on the two crushed M&Ms on the floor.Why do we prepare so intensively for Pesach? According to Rabeinu Tam, we commemorate slavery in Egypt by spending six hours marching up and down the stairs to the attic to bring down the Pesach dishes while our wives stand over us barking orders (those Amharatzois).Meanwhile, Rachmana Litzlan, our wives absolutely exhaust themselves watching the cleaning lady prepare for Pesach. Uchinvei!The RAMBAM in Mishnah Toirah asks an incisive question: Instead of selling our Chametz to a Goy, why can't we just temporarily sell our religion to a Goy? This way, he can have the opportunity to get the Mitzvah of celebrating Yetzias Mitzrayim, while we get to eat a little Traifus, paint easter eggs, and have relations with a hot Shiksa for seven days (eight days in Chutz La'aretz). But the RAMBAM concludes that if a Goy had to eat Matzah for eight days, he would end up hating the Jews even more than he already does.In truth, why do we stop our Pesach cleaning at our abode and our cars? A Gemarrah In Masheches Peshachim Daf Chuff Aleph, Amud Baiz asks: Why don't we clean out our bodies of the Chometz we pump into them 51 weeks a year? Indeed, Rav Ashi holds that this is the reason that Bechorim fast Erev Pesach, and that to get the full Mitzvah, people should stick their finger's down their throats during Bedikas Chometz.But further in the Gemarra, Rav Yoisi disagrees, saying "Ain Oichel Achar Oichel", that since the food is already eaten, we hold that food cannot be eaten a second time, so there is no such requirement. However, Rav Yoisi does go on to tell a story of how one year he told his wife that he needed her help cleaning for Pesach, since Halacha required him to expel ALL possible bodily fluids. And due to her extreme gullibility, she helped him three times that night. What an Aishess Chayill! Unfortunately, he slept through much of the Seder the next night, so he never dared to do it again.My personal belief is that celebrating Yetzias Mitzrayim is a wonderful opportunity to spend time with the Einiklach. Beyond cleaning, you get the Mitzvah of preparing the Matzois and the Ka'arah. During the Seder you are unified with all of Klal Yisroel in celebration. And after the Seder, while cleaning up, you lament the fact that your damn mother-in-law wasn't accidentally left in Mitzrayim.But the timing of this week's Parsha raises a key question about the overall structure of the Parshiyois of the Toirah: Why don't they follow a more intuitive order? Why does the Toirah place individual sections out of chronological order, as w[...]



Ask Rabbi Pinky: Al Sfiras HaOimer

2017-05-04T21:22:28.881-04:00

To subscribe,send an e-mail to NPOJ8@YAHOO.COM with the word "Subscribe"====================================================Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Rabbi-Pinky-Schmeckelstein/621655891273622====================================================THE COLLECTED WRITINGS OF RABBI PINKY SCHMECKELSTEINhttp://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Rabbi_Pinky====================================================Ask Rabbi Pinky: Al Sfiras HaOimerBaruch Ata Idon’tknow,Heywhereareyou Melech HaOilum,Asher Kideshanu BeMitzvoisav Vetzivanu,Al Sfiras HaOimer.HaYoim Shmoinah Esrei Alaphim U’Masayim Chamishim Yoim,SheHaym Alpayim Shaish Maois Va’Sheva Shavuois, VaEchad Yamim LaOimer.Rabboisai,Unlike you, you Minuvals, I have not lost count of the Oimer, ever since I was a Kleinikel. I count Sefirah with a Bracha every day, never missing except for that one time in college when I got lucky with that hot shiksa (Boruch Hashem for tequila!). But, thankfully, I was able to count Sefirah the next morning without a Bracha, as I was putting on my Tefillin in Christine’s apartment.Which brings us the Shailah I address this week:Yoineh Vuv asks: “Rav Pinky -- May a woman shave her Makom HaErva during Sefirah?”Yoinelah – This is a Gevaldikkah Shailah! You are Mechavayn to the exact question asked by the RALBAG, the great Medieval Talmidist, Mathematician, and dispenser of at-home Brazilian services to the housewives of Avignon, France.Before I address your Shailah, Halacha Lemaiseh, I would like to address the overall topic of Sefiras HaOimer.What is Sfiras HaOimer? We know that from the perspective of the Toirah, we are required to count seven weeks from Pesach to calculate the start of Shavuois, Zman Matan Toirasainu. According to Rabbi Yoichanan, cited in a Braisah brought down in a Gemara in Makkois, this is because 49 days is the length of time required for matzah constipation to be flushed out of the system, so we can be fully prepared for the lactose intolerance brought on by cheesecake on Shavuois. But according to Rabbi Yishmael, as mentioned in a Tosefta in Moiaid Kattan, seven weeks is the amount of time it takes for a man to be able to come home from a hard day’s work without having to worry about his wife waiting at the door, barking orders at him about bringing those last three pieces of stray Pesach china up to the attic.The Oimer was originally grounded in the agrarian cycle of Eretz Yisroel. Later, it came to represent the period of time between Yetzitas Mitzrayim, the Exodus, and the giving of the Toirah. But of course it has also taken on a whole latter day symbolism of semi-mourning. A Gemara in Avoidah Zorah tells us that during Sefirah, we mourn the deaths of 24,000 students of Rabbi Akiva. There is, however, a machloikess as to why they died.According to Rav Huna, they died of a plague brought upon them because they lacked Derech Eretz – they did not respect each other. They insulted each other with harsh words and dismissive language, the kinds of things you do all the time, you good-for-nothing Minuval Vilda Chayas.However, according to Rav Sheyshess, Rabbi Akiva’s students actually died fighting in the failed Bar Kochba Revolt, the second rebellion against the Romans from 131-135 CE. Rabbi Akiva is quoted in the Yerushalmi in Tainis as pronouncing Bar Kochba to be the Moishiach (this is true, by the way). Many of his students enlisted to support the militar[...]