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Deborah Hayes



Sun, 26 Apr 2009 10:12:03 +0000

I have been writing in a personal journal as the days go by. I think I will simply copy and paste certain parts into this blog as time goes by. As I learn new things, as I sort through emotions, I choose to share some of them with the BTD population. Much of it has to do with living a preventative type of life style. So forgive the choppiness or the jumping around-- Dear Journal: April once again, new place, sun shining. It looks as if he is finally ready to tie up loose ends. I keep asking myself: why did we fail? What worked? Why did I stay? Core values were very different. Both were decent people. Could have done much worse. When we needed to negotiate conflict, there was disrespect on both of our parts. I needed to calm down, write and process. I don’t like anger or hurt. He needed me to stay right there and duke it out. Lots of sarcasm, condescending, inability to listen or validate. Rarely did he ever say he was wrong. I needed to leave and then come back and try to talk calmly. He invaded personal space repeatedly. It was a fire and oil situation. I wanted to feel loved. Silly me. Love thyself. Its time to remind myself how much God loves me, how much my friends love me, and then I need to love me. Beautiful puffy clouds. Record highs of 80 degrees predicted by Friday. Running through 4 miles of Rock Cut with Sylvester, Elmo, and Goat was wonderful. Simple sharing, chit chat, and of course- talking about the next race. I started to feel competitive once again. Training for Bryon Fest might be a simple goal I can actually obtain. Memories flood back with each race. I remember the awful event which happened last year during that time. It sent me running to the nearest hotel, and ultimately the house in the country. So much has happened. I found out today from the accountant that I can take as many withdrawals as I need without penalty FOREVER. What a relief. The big decisions can wait. I can dig into it a little at a time as needed. Meeting with Dr. Julia is always inspiring. She doesn’t use plastic at all. It is either stainless steel cooking or glass cooking. Glass wear, etc. No Teflon or aluminum of any kind. I obtained samples of shampoo and soap. We talked about using baking soda and sea salt to brush teeth. She also said that I reacted to those supplements that she gave me because I am toxic. I do not know. I only know that since I paid the money to buy them, I am going to take them slowly- a few at a time until I notice a difference. Filters for the shower and the sink need to be bought. I will continue buying reverse osmosis water. Fresh fruits and vegetables from Farmer’s Markets, etc. Organic meat. Figuring out which skin care products, make up, toiletries, etc. I need more omega’s in my diet. I will need to pull those lists up again. No coffee at home- just green tea or coffee on the road. Being picky about cleaning products. Getting rid of cookware that leaches chemicals into the system. It will be very interesting to see how much it costs to live in the ‘preventative’ fashion. But I did discover my future title “Cancer Prevention Specialist.” Sounds like a worth while cause to me. AfAA called and cancelled work again. I am given what I need. Money is available to set up house and pay bills. I want to finally start off on the right foot. 6 months of ‘salary’ in the savings account completely liquid, the car money and future tax bill money can stay in the large account and earn interest for now. Yeesh - only .25%. But it is safe and cannot decrease. 10% to savings automatically transferred every month, 10% to church, and a proper budget which is tracked meticulously. How much does it cost to live with Prevention being the goal? Water filter replacements, bikes for the kids so they can roam, catastrophic insurance, dental visits as needed, etc. If yoga can decrease the need for chiro visits, then it is time to learn. That is a double edged possibility. Prevent back issues, teach yoga and get paid.[...]

Compromise.... rice buns....

Sun, 05 Apr 2009 15:15:40 +0000

Thank you folks! I love the support I pick up here. Better to grab the rice buns with that nasty sodiumcarboxymethullose (sp?) than to throw processed white flour at him. Beside, my second child can eat that as well, so it's practical.

It's a peaceful morning for me. It has been a wonderful balanced week. I am ready for the next three days of work, spent time with many friends yesterday, and I am FEELING better. I may hunt down Goat or Mutton today. I started my morning with "dinner"- traditional grilled meat and sauteed veggies- then followed it up with whole grain cereal, raisins, pumpkin seeds, vanilla soy milk, and crumbled pecans. I function better with multiple large servings of food in the morning, and then trickle on down as the day progresses. I am still finishing up those same live foods. I am amazed how long it is taking me to finish it- but realistically figuring out how much food needs to be bought at the store versus running around town.

Being a full time Mom and a part time employee requires many errands. There is just no way to be 100% BTD compliant while living in Rockford, IL. But I am always striving.

I am about to hit 36 hours of rest (no exercise.) Trouble is, I will be ready for some right before bedtime. Where is a gentle yoga video when you need one?

Thank you for your comments...

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 12:09:57 +0000

It is always helpful when people share knowledge. That is one of the reasons I am so open about what happens in my life. I bumped into my roommate this morning. His name is "Jerry" as in Tom and Jerry. Cute little mouse. That is part of country living, I fear. I also suspect this house is just full of places for them to enter.

I shudder as I read my previous blogs. They do seem full of worry and anxiety. I am not actually that tightly wound most of the time. Lately, I have been blogging due to fatigue or not being able to sleep. I used to write out my thoughts after lunch every day. Perhaps, one day, I will be able to reflect leisurely.

It is windy, cold and damp this morning. I would not do well long term in this type of weather. I still feel a calling toward the south east part of the country. I am not absolutely certain, since I have not experienced parts of the south west. But........

Live foods:

Bok choy
green onions
red onions
yellow bell peppers

Those were my five live food choices yesterday. The local market did not offer much. In fact, the produce section actually smelled nasty. There is nothing on the south east end of town that carries good fresh produce. But soon, the Farmer's Market will start. My youngest son, helped me make Turkey burgers last night. He thoroughly enjoyed squishing the ground spices into the meat and smashing down the hamburger patties. We chose sea salt and thyme. Simple and tasty.

The oldest son (with the sensory issues) couldn't handle the texture of the meat. He chose to starve. Can you imagine being hungry all of the time due to food textures? I have to compromise today. I will buy the nasty white hamburger buns at the store, so he can actually stomach the meat. I actually wish Dr. D could work with him. This tendency to run away from 'squishy' and my son's inability to even look at a casserole (he can't stand all of the different foods mixed together visually- let alone in his mouth)- runs in the father's side of the family. He will suffer nutritionally forever. I do not know how to fix this.

Sulphur pockets... (sulfur?)

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 01:02:16 +0000

Quick end of the day report. When it came to live foods, I didn't hit one. Wow. Obviously, that will be my focus tomorrow.

I live in a house where the well water is full of sulfur pockets. The landlord figured out that the water softener is not working, and this powerful nasty stench is oozing out of all my drains. It's overpowering. Tonight, I sleep with the windows open again- I have got the kids at Dad's house for the night, and I am grateful nothing is scheduled for work tomorrow.

I could easily get lost in work and isolate myself from adults tomorrow. I think I will also make it a priority to get to a gentle yoga class. I will hear from the apartment complex tomorrow (the final approval.) I don't think it will be a problem. I am actually looking forward to moving. This time, I think I will stay put for awhile.

Eeek, tired brain. Better blog next time.

Classical Monday...

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 13:16:03 +0000

It's Monday and I feel great. I finally got that food checklist up on the fridge. I keep the genotype food lists in the kitchen within easy reach. It really does make it much easier to track and choose food wisely.

Two whole grain waffles with peanut butter
Two glasses of water
1 small cup of coffee
blueberries, vanilla yogurt, brewer's yeast, blackstrap molasses
1 more small cup of coffee with soy milk

I taught Pilates this morning. Felt great. It is always so nice to hear the ladies say "Thank you." I am also beginning to see some of them improve. The flow of the class, the concentration on breathing, stretching and strengthening wakes everyone up and frees the mind of clutter.

I had a decision weighing on the back of my mind. After class, I instantly knew the answer. It is interesting, how well we can assimilate data AFTER exercise.

Got lots to do this morning. Hopefully, I will be able to report the rest of the day's food choices before going to bed. You don't have to be a gourmet cook to eat in a healthy way. Take care everyone.

She never slows down.....

Sun, 29 Mar 2009 12:34:21 +0000

Stand in the rain.....
Stand your ground.....

A song on the radio has hit home. Once again, I have so many choices this morning. On impulse, I hired an inspector to look at the mold in my basement. He found over seven different types just through a visual inspection, let alone taking the time to really crawl around and scrape different samples off of the walls. This particular path is clear. It is time to move, once again.

It was very disheartening at first. I love my little place in the country. But this little place is not safe when it is closed up due to cold weather. Breathing mold spores in can cause serious damage long term. How ironic. I care so much about prevention. I preach about how our choices and what we put into our bodies create our long term consequences. Ooops. I forget to look at what we breathe into ourselves.

The world is throwing more interesting choices at me once again. I just got a call from the owner of a local health food store. He wants me to work at his place, Vitamins N More. Earlier, I was searching so diligently. I wanted to work at a place which centered around what matters to me most. Now I have realized something. I have those three things in my life. They just aren't conveniently located in the same place. Heartland and the local Y represent God, AFAA represents the exercise, and now the health food store provides organic nutrition?

I wasn't going to call back at first. How do I balance family time into all of this? Heck, when do I get a day off? But maybe, I will figure it out after I start. Maybe the world is reaching out. I recently received encouragement from a female role model. Maybe, just maybe, things are falling into place.

Back to the mold problem for just a moment. I slept with my window open last night. I felt fine. Snow has arrived, and I closed up the house once again. Now, as I type this, I am feeling dizzy. The landlord's septic system failed last month. He had it pumped and is waiting for spring to arrive so he can fix it. Meanwhile, the mold inspector thought he smelled sewer gas when he first walked into my house. Crap. My home base is toxic.

I am going to have to tangle with the landlord. Oh well. More later....

Back home again...

Fri, 27 Mar 2009 02:19:45 +0000

It was great to visit family. It is also great to be back in my little place again. My mother really makes an effort to adjust for us. Rainbow colored fruit, veggies, and Shelton's Turkey dogs were ready and available for us to eat. We also went out to a local Chinese Palace which has a great fresh stir fry buffet. Just pick and choose your veggies, meat, etc, and they will cook it up fresh for you. We chose to skip the 'fry' part because I suspected their oils were all avoids. But we ate everything we could in site: raw. The rice noodles were previously cooked and cold. My little guy didn't seem to mind.

There are a ton of chemicals in every buffet, unfortunately- but you can at least get a great mix of color and avoid most of that fake butter stuff. (Yuck,- it looks gloppy and disgusting anyway!)

I ate a lot of sushi, kiwi, strawberries, pineapple, etc. Broccoli too, I think. My nine year old ate pizza, of course. Luckily, he likes Kiwi so I loaded him up on that. When on vacation, one just has to relax a little. Someday, I still hope to live in an area with an organic buffet! I think trader joe's might have one. I have visited Trader Joe's in Wisconsin once.

One step at a time.

It's Three in the morning..

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 08:32:22 +0000

My subconscious must be processing something. There is no reason why I should be awake. The normal coffee consumption was decreased, and I am actually lacking sleep from being up the night before. Extreme exercise, of course, could be contributing to this. Last Saturday, I participated in a 12 mile trail race with a last minute weather shift. Everybody who ran that particular race felt 'off.' Salt streaked faces were everywhere! A good friend of mine, asked everyone to wear orange bandannas as a way to support her father. He is dying of lung cancer. It is his time, and every day he still breathes is a blessing and a gift. She is dealing with her grief by staying busy and by giving. The "coyotes (our trail running group) was happy to support her. Over 50 of us wore those orange bandannas as a way to say "We care." As a read Dr. D's blogs, I am reminded again of how much research and time he has put into the philosophy "Let food be your medicine." Thanks to my children being out of school this week (Spring Break), I chose to take the week off from work. This will allow me the time to repost those wonderful food lists back up on my fridge. One day a week really should be spent planning meals and organizing recipes. As time is limited, I think a good old fashoined recipe box organized to reflect days of the week will be placed back on my kitchen counter. It feels good to be grounded again. I can't remember what I have last written. But to sum it up simply and sweetly: What is my net worth after all of the bills are paid? Will I be able to earn enough to support the boys and I ? What are the tax consequences of this divorce? When can I get myself back into counseling so I can speed the healing process? Will I be able to stick to my principles now that the chaos has settled down? It is easy to lean on the church when you are miserable. Now, that I feel a little better, I want to continue to 'run' to church, to community in order to learn. Interestingly enough, for the first time in months, I did not make it to church last weekend. It was an accident-- playing, studying, working, etc. I am now wondering what message did I miss and does it apply? Luckily, Heartland sells the weeks message on a simple audio CD. The first priority after breakfast today is to run to that store and pick up last weeks message. We can listen to it in the car while we drive to my folks house for a family visit. Before breakfast, the priority is to get those pages back up on that fridge! I also will return to my weekly checklist. It's pretty easy. Weekly servings are typed up in all food categories. After I eat something, I simply check it off. Rainbow colors are added to the list. Back on track. The current job: I have been promoted! Hooray! I am now officially a "Presenter" for AFAA. I will teach brand new instructors how to safely lead an exercise class. If I could teach people how to eat correctly (cook, garden, etc.), then that would really be a great combination. The ND goal is still a dream, but it will have to wait. I must feed my boys on more than wishes and dreams. My Autistic child is really struggling with the change in routine and our unpredictable schedule. The solution is so simple (he is high functioning, by the way.) I am going to make a checklist and hand it to him. When all of the chores have been checked off, then we are going to leave town and travel to see grandparents. The list being checked will help him predict our expected departure time.Original post blogged on b2evolution.[...]