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Published: Thu, 19 Oct 2017 23:33:01 GMT

Last Build Date: Thu, 19 Oct 2017 23:33:01 GMT


I'm not salty enough

Thu, 19 Oct 2017 23:33:01 GMT

I have postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome and have been prescribed salt pills by my doctor. I feel sick every time I take them. Help?

I had previously been prescribed salt tablets, and couldn't tolerate those. My doctor suggested that instead I just take plain table salt and put it in a gel capsule (these are the ones I bought)--since it's more natural and doesn't have any other additives he said I shouldn't have any problem with it.

Well, I do. 5-10 minutes after taking the capsule, my stomach starts to feel bloated and sick. Sometimes this turns into actual pain and digestive upset. Drinking a ton of water beforehand seems to lessen the chance I'll be in pain, but the bloating and nausea seem to be present no matter how much water I drink. I always take them after food so my stomach isn't empty. The nausea/pain doesn't always last very long, but sometimes I feel pretty sick for up to an hour.

I'm supposed to take them three times a day and I can barely handle it once. I definitely can't take it on days when I have classes in the morning and over lunch, because I can't risk being sick in class. But I need to find some way to take them. I can't do the major thing my doctor suggested for my condition (aquatherapy) because, per his explanation, the reason I can't exercise for more than 5 minutes without dying is I don't have enough salt "fueling" me. I can't see him until December and I don't want to wait that long to start on aquatherapy.

A couple of questions:
1) Is this just a case of my body needs to get used to it? Should I start with one salt pill a day and work my way up? Will the awfulness eventually go away?
2) Is there anything else I can do to make the nausea/bloating/pain go away? Preferably, keep it from happening at all? I am willing to drink ten billion different kinds of magical herbal teas if that is what must be done.
3) Is just using any table salt fine? Or would a different type of salt be less likely to upset my stomach?

Help me find one jacket to rule them all!

Thu, 19 Oct 2017 21:19:46 GMT

Now that temperatures are dipping, I need a new jacket/coat. Help me find one (or two) that I can wear in the Bay Area (walking around and bike commuting) and in DC in January. Aesthetic - boring classic. Caveats - must be vegan, should be good for rain.

Now that it's getting kind of cold at nights, I realized I finally need a new jacket/coat. The requirements:
  • Must be rainproof

  • Must be vegan - no leather, no down, no wool

  • Suitable for a range of temperatures with layers

  • Decent pockets for storing things like phone, keys, wallet

  • Classic look like the Penfield Kasson or something similar that skews more masculine than feminine

Right now I'm leaning to this jacket from Bridge and Burn. My current jacket (not rainproof) is from them, and it's OK. I would prefer something a bit more masculine though. I do like this men's jacket from them, but I am a short, round woman with hips and don't think it will fit.

It would be nice to be able to wear this to bike to work as well, but I will also concede if I need to get a different jacket to bike to work in. (I currently use a shell which is OK, but not warm at all.) If you have recommendations for jackets for cycling in mild wet weather, I'd love those too.

I'd prefer not to spend a ton of money on it (~ $150) but would go higher if it's great and will last years since I tend to be outside a lot.

Geek toys for a 7year old girl

Thu, 19 Oct 2017 21:15:02 GMT

It turns out I'm the only geek in the life of a 7 year old girl, which means I'm responsible for nurturing the geeky side of her. Help me find a birthday present for her?

My first option was a USB microscope, but it turns out none of the android devices available support USB OTG and I have lots of memories of smashing slides on the proper microscope I had as a boy.

So, I'm open to any suggestions. She loves her kindle, dolls, nature, batman, and Lego. But she's not the most focussed of kids and things that involve too much fiddling with parts put her off.

In search of Scotland mug

Thu, 19 Oct 2017 21:09:16 GMT

My sister used to own this mug and has lost it. I'd like to get her a new one for Christmas, but can't find it anywhere on the web. I think she bought it in Edinburgh, Scotland. Can you help me find it online? Thanks!

Do I need to ask for any follow-up after surgery?

Thu, 19 Oct 2017 20:35:12 GMT

I had laparascopic gallbladder surgery on Monday at a small private hospital in England, subcontracted by the NHS. When I came to after general anaesthesia, I was told that my pulse had dropped to 28bpm during the surgery and I'd had to have an injection to speed it back up. The anaesthetist actually said to me that "it was scary!" During recovery my pulse dropped again to 31 and was up and down over about 24 hours before stabilising at my normal RHR of about 50bpm (I'm not an athlete but have always had a slow heart rate).

After the surgery I had difficulty urinating. On the first day I could only go a few drops and on the second day just a little dribble at a time. I had to be catheterized three times and on the third day I was finally able to urinate almost normally in terms of flow rate but still had urinary retention of about 450ml. I was sent home and told if I stopped being able to urinate or became uncomfortable I should go to the emergency room. I'm now home, urinating pretty much normally and feeling good.

During my entire recovery I was attended to by nurses and didn't get a chance to talk to any doctors apart from the "scared anaesthetist" but at that point I was still pretty out of it. I do have an appointment to see the surgeon for follow up in 3 weeks and would like some advice on what to ask about. Basically: 1. How concerned should I be about what happened? 2. Should I try to insist on a referral to a specialist such as a cardiologist or urologist? 3. If I need surgery in future (I've been told I may need a hysterectomy at some point) how scared should I be?

Lots of women wear head coverings - can I?

Thu, 19 Oct 2017 20:26:47 GMT

I am a white, non-religious woman in the US. Is it unprofessional or culturally appropriative for me to cover my hair with a scarf every day?

I have frizzy curly hair and I also have trichotillomania. I've got a great haircut but it's a lot of work, I have the trich under control but that's also a lot of work. The upshot is there have been quite a few days when I just don't have time/can't deal, so I throw on a kerchief/scarf and call it done. Like this, or this, or with a regular bandana and the ends tucked up.

Not having to style my hair is a relief and some of the scarves are pretty cute. But I worry that that wearing a scarf every day, or even most days, comes across as somehow weird or unprofessional--or worse, culturally appropriative.

I am white, in my mid-30's, and I work at a large university in New England with a diverse population. Many women on campus wear head coverings (e.g. black women, Muslim women, Hindu women, Orthodox Jewish women, and probably some others). But I am not a member of any of those groups and I am sensitive to any implication that could cause offense. I also need to dress professionally for work and worry about being seen as dressing less professionally because of my hair choices. Additionally, I am somewhat active in the Jewish community and don't want to give people the wrong impression (I am a liberal non-observant Jew, but I do go to Chabad for stuff).

Am I overthinking this?

Would this styling meet business casual in your white-collar office?

If you are a woman from a group that covers your hair, would you find it strange for someone like me to wear a scarf every day?

And if you don't think it's weird or appropriative, can you suggest some styles that would be both professional/adult/polished? (I did see this question, it just made me more worried since I am already doing this, like, every day.)

Is an organizer appropriate for this?

Thu, 19 Oct 2017 20:03:38 GMT

I'm dealing with the aftermath of a sexual assault. It turns out that being assaulted is a lot of work; I've got all sorts of things I need to keep track of, and other parts of my life aren't being attended to (normal things like dealing with my budget, and accomplishing bureaucratic tasks related to things like health insurance, savings accounts, etc.). Could an organizer help me get my affairs in order? I guess I'm looking for someone who can help me for an afternoon or two to deal with all these things that feel like I can't quite manage on my own.

Clueless about how to ask questions to my SO about his work

Thu, 19 Oct 2017 17:46:29 GMT

I realized yesterday night I don't really know what my SO does and it makes me utterly sad and guilty. I'm crying writing this.

We were making plans last night and he told me he couldn't do xx with me, explaining that right now it was a crucial moment for his startup and couldn't take even half a day day off. And it struck me that I didn't even know that right now was an (even more) intense period for my SO. So we had a discussion about the fact I didn't know and he said two things : that I just have to ask if I want to know and that he's accepted the fact I'm not curious about his startup activity. Well, that hurts. I've asked often, and been rejected a lot, so I stopped asking and try and grab clues instead. But obviously it doesn't work : I'm not a mind reader and as a result I don't know anything about what he does and he thinks I don't care.

I know he works very hard and pours his heart in this beautiful project, meets a lot of supportive people, wins prizes / grants and gets exposure from media coverage. But that's all. I barely know how he feels (I know he's scared and tired, but no much more), what are the current big decisions he has to take, the challenges he is facing, etc. 

•how do I ask if I don't know what I don't know? If he wins something but doesn't tell me... Do I run a checklist of questions everyday that includes "did you win anything today?" I'm pretty sure that's not how it works.
•What do I do if, when I start and ask, he says he doesn't want to talk about it (bc tired, wanting to decompress, etc)? He even gets hostile sometimes and he does this often with me (the opposite is not true : I am an open book and cannot keep anything for myself, he won't let it go if he sees I'm sad / upset : he wants to know why).

It kills me that I learn about his activity when he talks with people he sees once or twice a year (think family). In these situations he has no problem talking for an hour non stop.

I love him, I'm effing proud of him, I talk a lot about what he does, people who don't even know him in person ask me often about his project and when can they buy his service. (But I can't even give a precise reply about this...uh).

I'm torn between : "I'm a selfish asshole who isn't even interested in her SO. He doesn't deserve me." And : "I'm so angry, how am I supposed to know if he doesn't deliver anything? I am not a mind reader."

I don't know how to process this, do you have insights, experiences to share, advice? 

Thank you in advance Mefites.

Pressure relief valve drainage injuries

Thu, 19 Oct 2017 17:33:41 GMT

Has anyone ever been injured by a hot water heater's pressure relief valve draining inside a house? Apparently it is now code that it drain outside the dwelling, in order to prevent burns to the inhabitants, but I want to find out if anyone has ever had this happen to them.

Please note that I am not asking for opinions on hot water heater drainage, I just want to know if a hot water heater pressure relief valve, also known as a temperature and pressure (T&P) relief valve or an overflow pressure valve, has ever created a hazardous condition while draining. The plumber mentioned that kids could be burned (pressurized hot water is nothing to mess with, to be sure), but when I googled I found various reports of exploding water heaters but nothing that would be prevented by outdoor vs. indoor drainage. Anecdata are fine.

Jung & Individuation

Thu, 19 Oct 2017 17:17:18 GMT

What book do you recommend for learning about Jung and his ideas about individuation?

Not written by Jung himself.

East Bay/Bay Area temple or church open late in the evenings?

Thu, 19 Oct 2017 17:05:57 GMT

Do people know of any temples, churches, or spaces of worship in the Bay Area (preferably the East Bay, but will consider San Francisco) that are open later in the evenings, around 8-9pm?

I'm looking for a church or temple space that allows for people to come sit quietly and meditatively in the evenings by themselves. I'd be going after work so places that are only open in the daytimes don't work. Something akin to the Buddhist Hsi Lai temple in Los Angeles County would be wonderful--i.e., some space that contains spaciousness, silence, and a sense of reverence, faith, and peace.

Here are some places I'm aware of in the East Bay that are in the area of what I'm looking for but don't quite fit the bill:

- East Bay Meditation Center: Is open in the evenings most nights of the week, but isn't quite on point because programming happens on most nights of the week. On nights of the week when there isn't a group meeting, the Center is closed, as far as I know.
- Berkeley Unitarian Church: This sounds like it'd be a wonderful space, but it closes at 5pm everyday, according to its website.

Thank you!

How do I let my friend know that I don't want to go to Europe with her?

Thu, 19 Oct 2017 17:03:19 GMT

I'm facing a bit of a conundrum. About a month ago, I told my friend that I would like to go to Europe with her this summer. But after I did that, I started thinking about that choice. My friend has a bit of a drinking problem and can get pretty wild and out of hand. I now realize that going with her would be an unwise choice, and I wouldn't feel all that safe – I feel like it would increase the chance that we may get in trouble, let alone putting a bit of responsibility on me to monitor her. I mentioned this to my boyfriend, and that I'd rather go with him – he and I both feel like this would be the safer choice.

The problem is, my friend is still under the assumption that her and I are going to go. I don't know how to break it to her that I'd rather go with my boyfriend. I don't want to just say "Hey, I don't feel like I'd be as safe with you because you have a drinking problem and can easily get out of hand". I don't want to hurt her feelings, insult her, or start something. I wish I had never told her about Europe in the first place.

I'm going to be seeing her Saturday night, and I fear that she is going to bring up how excited she is. Do you have any advice on what I can say to back out of going with her?

How do I diplomatically resolve a possible dispute in my book club?

Thu, 19 Oct 2017 16:47:08 GMT

I run a book club through my church, and I am foreseeing some drama on the horizon. What do I do? Details inside.

So I run a book club at my church. Every month we try and have a different person select the next month's book and lead that discussion. We strongly encourage newcomers to do this so they feel like they have a stake in the group. We've been running for more than a year now and so far everything's been fine.

Recently an acquaintance of mine started attending the book club with her ex-husband. I like her well enough but she tends to make herself the center of attention and can be somewhat pushy. Before attending her first meeting she bombarded me with book suggestions even after I explained how the selection process works. I get the sense that if she had her way she'd like to dictate the entire curriculum for the club.

At last month's meeting she suggested a book and we agreed to read it and have her host the discussion, which is her right as a new member. She subsequently emailed me to say that her ex would rather host that discussion and that she'd want to choose a new book and host a discussion about it at a later time. I agreed to this--even if she was essentially picking two books, if a separate person was leading the discussion each time it would fit her criteria.

Today she emails me and says that they will miss this month's meeting due to a family emergency, leaving me to run the discussion. I am fine with that, but I do not want her to feel entitled to pick yet another selection because the ex wasn't actually able to run this discussion. She has yet to intimate that she has that expectation but I strongly suspect that's where this is going.

My question is twofold: how do I explain this to her, and how do I explain this to the group? My plan is to let her pick a second book and let her run a discussion, but I don't want "the ex" to be able to pick another book and run a discussion. I strongly feel like this couple is only entitled to make two selections total until everyone else who attends the club has had a chance to pick another book. We are UUs so we are sensitive and strive to be kind while also being highly individualistic and idiosyncratic. Not really sure how to proceed from here.

Keeping the entire vial of superglue from hardening (in the vial)

Thu, 19 Oct 2017 16:45:05 GMT

So I just went to superglue a butt cap back onto the bottom of the handle of a tennis racket, but the entire bottle of glue (which I bought about a month ago and used only once) has hardened in situ. Now here's the thing--this is nothing new. In fact I'm pretty sure this has happened every time I've bought superglue. Again, the sequence goes: new bottle, few drops, put away, weeks pass, need some SG, all the SG has hardened fuck now I have to buy more. I'm trapped in self-destructive pattern here, amigos. Anyone have any ideas?

Fiancé resents having to write a letter (vows)in advance of our wedding.

Thu, 19 Oct 2017 16:19:05 GMT

My fiancé and I aren't very traditional, but we are deeply in love and devoted to one another and have a good relationship all around. Marriage wasn't really on our minds until this summer when we decided to marry to legalise his emigration to my home country so we could continue to be together. However, I also made it clear to him that even if we were doing this for the visa, that the marriage was important to me, and I asked him one night that he write me a letter about what our impending marriage means to him. I guess I was asking for vows.

This to me, was very important. The idea is that I would write them too, but because while I have indeed expressed my thoughts and fears about the wedding very openly, he has been much more quiet on the subject and so I simply asked that he take the initiative. But as time passed he never indicated anything else about it. When I reminded him about it again a few months later, I was a little tipsy and was a bit upset that he hadn't mentioned it or written it. I hadn't given him a deadline because I trusted he would write the thing, but I said that I didn't want to ask him again because it was humiliating for me to nag him about something that was so meaningful to me. Now, our marriage is a month away. Last night we got into a fight and told him that his not having written me this letter was hurting me. I asked him simply if he could write me this letter before I visit him where he lives (in another city) this weekend. He responded to me that he had assumed the letter was not a serious request, confounding me. He then said that the letter was "an assignment" and a sort of chimera that I am using to extort him emotionally. I suppose that at this point it has indeed turned into a monster that I was never intending it to be, with me feeling guilty for having asked for it. At the same time, I also feel that his disregard for my request has hurt me even more. As a result what had first been a simple request on my part has morphed into some sort of ultimatum. I will add that we are having a very low-key wedding in the courthouse with the nuclear family only, and in addition to our own google-doc marriage contract that details household details and the like, this request for letters is practically the only ceremonial thing involved. I didn't phrase the letters as "vows" because I didn't necessarily need that from him. But I did make it clear that I needed this letter from him. Now, his heel-dragging on this is making me feel miserable. I feel like I am pressuring and coercing him to produce something that should be written out of love. I am usually ok with asking for the things I need, why do I feel so miserable and demanding for having requested this? I also realize now that I should have taken the initiative and written my own letter first, but I also, deep down inside, didn't want that. As an outspoken person I am very very vocal about how I feel, but it can get exhausting being the only one "speaking" sometimes, so I wanted, really badly, for him to simply initiate this. On the one hand I feel miserable like I am forcing him to say he loves me and cares about me but on the other hand I have simply been honest with him about what I needed.

Good behavioral interview training?

Thu, 19 Oct 2017 15:23:49 GMT

Along with a few others at my company, I'm looking for behavioral interview training and having trouble finding it. We are hoping to find something in-person so that we can get actual practice and feedback, rather than just explanations. Any recommendations, especially if you've been through the training and found it useful?

If it matters, we're at a software development company, but we hire for a variety of positions (not just developers). We have both interpersonal and technical-based interviews; I'm mostly involved in the interpersonal interviews, but if you have suggestions for training that is focused on technical skills, that would be useful as well.

Thanks in advance for any help!

Every Episode of... Playing at the Same Time

Thu, 19 Oct 2017 15:21:47 GMT

How do create a video that is synchronized simultaneous playback four other videos?

I have four large videos in .mp4 format that I want to watch together. While there are ways to play the videos separately I'd rather have a single video that consists of the simultaneous playback of all four. These are video only files, no audio.

This a one off project so my first thought was to get a trial of Adobe Premiere. But is that my best option? How should I go about this?

Help me remember the movie this line comes from

Thu, 19 Oct 2017 15:10:33 GMT

You all always know right away the movie I'm trying to remember, but this time it's a tough one. The line: "Screw you." Yep, that's it. More inside.

So, I'm absolutely sure it is a woman who delivers the line, in reply to someone putting her down in some way. She says it in kind of a downbeat way, not as a fierce retort, but rather as a reply while hurting from the cutting remarks.

The woman has an accent like a young Madonna or Stephanie from Saturday Night Fever (I actually thought this was the movie, but a search of the script didn't turn up anything like the link I'm thinking of). More the latter than the former.

The movie can't be any more recent than ~2004 when I lost my hearing and it isn't any older than the 1970s since I don't recall the line being out of place for the contemporary setting. But I could be wrong.

I just know the line is right there in my head and I can almost reach out and grab the woman saying it, but she's just not coming to mind. Help me out, for great justice!

What are the most common phrases you type on your smart phone?

Thu, 19 Oct 2017 14:58:20 GMT

I would like to collect a sampling of phrases people type frequently on their smart phones. Please contribute yours.

I am working on a smartphone keyboard. For demonstration purposes, it would be helpful to have a large sampling of phrases that people commonly type on their smartphones. I haven't been able to find anything like this on the Internet.

I realize that anything we collect on Metafilter won't be exhaustive or definitive, but it would still be helpful to me.

If you want to contribute, just type one or two or five or ten phrases that come to mind as things you frequently type on your smart phone. Don't worry about repeating something that someone else has already written. Duplicates are a feature, not a bug, because they indicate popularity.

It probably goes without saying, but please don't include real passwords, phone numbers, etc.

Thanks in advance for your contribution!

Questions on the theory of constructed emotions

Thu, 19 Oct 2017 14:51:08 GMT

I recently listened to an audiobook of Lisa Barrett's book, How Emotions Are Made. The writing was compelling and the position well argued, but as a lay person, I find myself concerned as I am unable to really follow the research in depth.

I previously read McWhorter's Our Magnificent Bastard Tongue: The Untold History of English and was impressed by it, only to find out that while his other work is widely respected, his work on the origins of English is generally regarded as lacking. I want to believe Barrett's work, which makes me want to make sure that the science is sound.

So, given that it seems that all the work on constructed emotions is coming from her lab, what is the general neurological/psychological view of her work? I found an article in the Atlantic that was interesting and a review in metapsyschology that might as well have been written in another language.

Where can I read more about this that is accessible? Is there a current overall view and where does it lie? Given my mistrust of both Ekman's commercialization and Barrett's attempt at a revolution, are there other interesting researchers to follow?

Please pick my petite professional pannier/pack!

Thu, 19 Oct 2017 14:17:47 GMT

I'm looking for a combination backpack/pannier that acts and looks like a normal commuter backpack to take to work but I'm having trouble sorting through the options. Can you recommend one?

I'm a very, very casual bike commuter, and I'm looking for something that can be used as my work bag on days I bike and on the days I don't. Right now I'm putting my normal work backpack into this pannier bag on the days I bike, and that's working ok (definitely better than actually wearing the backpack, bcuz back sweat), but it seems like an unnecessary step. The ikea bag isn't great for a full-time work bag because it lacks enough internal organization to keep my work stuff set and it's not a very comfortable shape to wear on non-bike days.

Here's what I want:
-should have the interior organization features of a normal backpack – padded laptop sleeve, ideally a few different pockets for pens and odds and ends, etc. Stuff should be easy to access in general.
-quick switch from backpack mode to pannier mode – I don't want to have to hook and unhook six different things every time I take it off the bike. For example, I really like the way this bag works (actually I like pretty much everything about that bag), but it looks to be long-discontinued.
-should be able to hook onto a normal rear rack. I think some have features that help them attach to specific brands of bike racks better? I don't think my rack is any of those brands. I'm ok mounting something new to the rack, though, if it helps.
-not too aggressive-looking. I don't know how to describe that exactly except that I'm a professional woman more likely to be biking in a cardigan than a full kit and the things that scream GRRR!!! or SPORT!!! aren't really appealing. Functional sporty details like reflective parts are welcome, though. If this doesn't make any sense, ignore it :).

I don't particularly care about:
-full waterproofing. It should be able to make it through a drizzle but it's ok if it can't handle a deluge. Having a rain cover or something available would be nice, I guess, but not a dealbreaker. To that end, I think I'd prefer something closed with zippers than roll-tops.
-uber-comfortable backpack features. Unpadded straps are fine. I'm not going hiking with it.
-other ways of carrying it. I'm not interested in messenger bag features, for example.
-high capacity. As long as it fits a medium-size laptop, charger, a few papers, a small bag of bike tools, a u-lock (inside or outside), and some small misc snacks/toiletries/electronics/junk I'm good. I realize that sounds like a lot but I've never run into a commuter backpack that seems too small. No need to gracefully stow a helmet or shoes or a bunch of clothes or other large items.

It'd be great to stay at the budget end of the spectrum, but right now I'm just trying to sort through what's out there so I'd welcome whatever suggestions anyone has!

Essay by daughter about immigrant father getting sick in factory?

Thu, 19 Oct 2017 14:16:13 GMT

I think I originally came across it via metafilter. I believe the family was from Southeast Asia, now in North America (California, maybe?). It is about the immigrant experience, as well as the father getting inadequate protection from hazardous airborne materials at work. I have searched extensively with no luck. If you have this bookmarked or favorited, I would appreciate the link. Thanks.

How do I detoxify my marriage?

Thu, 19 Oct 2017 14:12:12 GMT

We have had a bad couple of years, both feel hopeless, and I want to give up. Partner doesn't. How do we climb out of the negative cycle to see if the marriage is salvageable?Partner would say I'm too negative and critical. And needy. I would say partner isn't managing cognitive and financial problems well and it makes me anxious and fed up. I don't respect him. He doesn't respect me. He does not act like we are a team. We have a toddler. I try to shield the toddler from the disagreements but I'm not always successful. Partner has an avoidant approach to conflict. I would say I began as a validator but after 4 years of avoidance I have developed a volatile style. We have done marriage counseling and it made things worse. Now with a toddler, limited finances, opposing schedules, and limited people who will watch toddler for free, counseling is a cumbersome choice. Partner was incredibly defensive no matter how I raised a problem. To the tune of hiding all day and refusing to talk about what bothered me to find solutions. This has been deeply painful and totally messed up my ability to be attached to him. Most recently we had an argument because I invited him to join toddler and I for family dinner, and I was the only one talking. Earlier this week I expressed feeling a bit neglected because partner never seeks out my company when things are going well, doesn't generally initiate efforts to spend time together when things are going well, I discussed that like two days ago. I made two lighthearted statements to that effect at dinner, that I was the only one trying to make conversation, and partner continued to just sit there. There's a history of him ignoring me frequently, so I struggle with being ignored when we are supposed to be building a positive space together. My two lighthearted efforts to address it didn't elicit a change so I got a little more frustrated and then the issue was me being too negative, making something small into a big deal, etc. I said ok fine you can fix it by initiating some conversation. I set a stopwatch on my phone. 17 minutes went by. Nothing. I'm so exhausted. He makes everything my fault. He thinks it's my problem because I expect family dinner to mean eat and talk, not "sit at the same table and eat together in silence." He says he needed downtime after work, but failed to say so on the front end. He thinks the fact he said so after we had already gotten into a conflict was supposed to erase my hurt at once again feeling zero effort from him to maintain a connection. There are a lot of other hurts and betrayals here, emotional labor issues etc., but this is enough to give you an idea. I'm miserable. He's miserable. He thinks giving up is wrong. But I think he also expects me to put up with being neglected all the time and still be all sweetness and light, give him sex, and just not have any needs that are inconvenient. As long as I only have ego inflating things to say everything fine but if I have an issue with his behavior all hell breaks loose. I don't even know how to "marriage" with this guy anymore. I have hurts upon hurts and his avoidant style means nothing ever gets resolved. I'm so over it, and no amount of throwing my hands up really elicits any consistent effort from him. I don't see anything left but separation and possibly collaborative divorce but he doesn't want that. He says he loves me. But he doesn't treat me like I'm loved. So I feel like a worthless POS. We can't [...]

iPhone reminder to do PT exercises?

Thu, 19 Oct 2017 14:09:17 GMT

I have to do a bunch of physical therapy exercises. Is there a good iPhone app to remind me to do them?

There's a variety: do this exercise once in the morning, do this one every few hours, do this one every other day. Using the alarms or Reminders app isn't ideal. I don't need examples of the exercises, just a pop up saying "stretch your back" or whatever at the appropriate intervals. Ideally I'd be able to set it to "every two hours," not "noon, 2:00 PM, 4:00 PM," in case I'm late to a set.

Looking for a database app

Thu, 19 Oct 2017 13:31:29 GMT

I don't think I have the right vocabulary to decribe this, but I'd like to find a app or website that's pleasant to use and that lets me creates flexible libraries of data of different sorts. To function a bit like memory out of my brain, and to store information about my various fields of engagement, add comments, link data up, etc.

I found this, which looks like the kind of thing I want, but it's only available for Android. I'd definitely like it to be usable on my Mac, maybe iPad/android phone too, but primarily Mac.

I'd also like it to be reliable so I know it's going to stick around and it's worth investing all that time into it.

One example of a library I would like to make is a database of tango songs. I DJ for tango, so I'd like to store a database of songs that I have in my collection with metadata about each song, create sets of songs that play well together, store comments from when I played them in the past, etc.

Another might be a Math teaching resource database. I used to teach Math seriously, now I don't, but before I forget all about my teaching resources I'd like to store them in a database that I could access if I ever teach again.

What the heck are digital assistants good for?

Thu, 19 Oct 2017 13:28:05 GMT

I like the idea of Google Assistant, Alexa, etc. Having these things around feels like the future. But for the life of me I can't think of a single way in which these make my life easier. What are some useful ways you've put our new artificial servants to use?

I think I might just lack imagination. Are there novel uses for these things that can't be accomplished just as easily with a few taps?

Computer Editing Interface from Blade Runner 2049

Thu, 19 Oct 2017 13:22:46 GMT

Is anyone aware of a wireless editing tool like the one from the recent Blade Runner? It was like a tracking wheel that was held in the operator's hands... Thanks!

How do I gracefully decline an internal job offer?

Thu, 19 Oct 2017 13:06:43 GMT

I was invited to apply for a position within the company I currently work for that I indicated I was interested in, and was told in a roundabout way that the job is mine if I want it. I've decided I'm better off staying where I am right now. How do I gracefully decline?

I'm feeling a little stuck at my job right now (office job in commercial real estate banking) and saw an internal job posting for a job in another department that I was idly interested in. The woman who runs the (very small) department is a colleague I used to work with in my current department that I get along with well; I wouldn't say we're friends, but we're definitely friendly to each other and respect each other's work and abilities. I told her I thought I might apply but wanted to talk to my current boss first. She is primarily responsible for the hiring in the position and essentially said the job is mine once I've been through the application process. The salary range on offer would also be a decent bump.

Without going into too much detail, I talked to my boss and he said several things that made me decide I'm better off staying where I am right now. There are some things in development over the next year or so that I would likely be involved in that I'd find interesting and challenging. None of them are guaranteed, but I want to give them the chance to happen. My current position is also likely better for my long term career goals within the company. We're also at the time of year when the bank is contemplating raises for everyone, and he let me know that the raise he requested for me is right in line with what the new job would pay. There is no guarantee that's the raise I'll get once everyone above my boss has signed off on the new budget, but it's fairly likely.

It is totally possible that a year from now none of these things will have materialized and I'll be feeling more stuck than ever and regretting not taking the job offer. But since I can't predict the future, I think it is more probable that I'll be happier in the long run staying were I am than moving to a new department in a lateral transfer. I'm 98% sure I don't want the new job, so how do I tactfully and gracefully tell my coworker that I've decided I don't want to apply after saying just yesterday that I did?

What should I do about my relationship?

Thu, 19 Oct 2017 11:52:34 GMT

I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 months. We are both in our early thirties. I have had a lot of doubts since the beginning of our relationship. There are aspects about him that I really like. He is very passionate with me. He is very knowledgeable about music, literature, philosophy. I like men who are easy-going, knowledgeable, 'alternative' and a bit rebel. He is all of that. The problem is that he does drugs.

He does weed everyday. And he does hard drugs sometimes. I don't know the frequency, but once every few weeks. Because of his being high he has sometimes been absent from work. He talks a lot about drugs and they seem to be an important part of his life. Me, on the contrary, have never done drugs and I'm not interested in trying.

There's also another problem, he is somehow violent and has been in many fights throughout his life. He claims that he has done it just to defend himself and his friends. However, I believe he seeks these fights sometimes for the 'excitment'. The fact that he has beaten people up is disturbing to me. He has never been violent to me but sometimes I notice that when we argue he tends to be a bit verbally aggressive. He raises his voice, uses swear words and becomes defensive and argumentative. He doesn't discuss things calmly and with rational arguments, he gets loud and irrational. For this reason, I normally just avoid talking about things that I know upset him. Also, I am afraid that he might turn violent once we are closer or live together.

As I write this, I realize how big of a problem all this is and how I should be running away from him. However, I have feelings for him and I think we connect well otherwise. When things are good, I have a great time with him and we can talk for hours. Also, I have had problems with accepting men the way they are and I have ended so many short term relationships because I saw in these men aspects that I didn't like. So I'm trying to work on being more accepting and tolerant. However, in this case, I think that being accepting and tolerant would be a mistake. I know that the best solution would be to end this relationship. However, I find myself doubting because I get along with him well. Because he cares about me and I care about him. And because I sometimes have the feeling that with my love maybe he could find a way out of this. I have the feeling that deep down he is a good man and he's just lost. But when I think things rationally, I realize this is all delusional. My gut tells me that he's not at all right for me and that he might harm me one day. I'm looking for the potential father of my children. And I don't think that he's the right person for that. He doesn't have the sense of responsibility and maturity that parenthood requires and I don't think he will get there soon. Also, I feel that pretending that I can change him is naïve and I shouldn't give myself the burden of being his 'rescuer'. What is your view?

Help me organize all of the images

Thu, 19 Oct 2017 09:12:21 GMT

I have thousands of digital photos, and I'm very unorganized. So pictures are in various folders, in various cloud services, etc. I'm sure there are many duplicates, even on my laptop alone. Is there software available (for pc) that helps me organize my pictures, which also points out and helps me deal with duplicate images?

Give me your Harriet Vanes!

Thu, 19 Oct 2017 08:40:30 GMT

I've been re-reading my dogeared Dorothy L Sayers books, specifically the ones featuring Harriet Vane. And I want more like that.

So I am after novels or nonfiction featuring strong, independent women who face trials and come through them in interesting ways. Either written in the 1920s and 30s, or set around then (or maybe a bit earlier).

What have you got, hive mind?

Headphone Filter: Over-Ear, Closed, Good Isolation & Noise Cancelling

Thu, 19 Oct 2017 05:00:27 GMT

Looking for closed-back, over-ear headphones that have a good passive noise isolation seal, and good active noice cancelling to help attenuate what gets past the seal. Bonus points for iPhone mic and remote. More points still for Bluetooth, since phone manufacturers seem to be dropping the headphone jack left and right. More details inside...

My primary use case:
Listening to music and being able to hear individual instruments clearly, without being distracted by outside sounds — voices, TV, other music, typing, chairs being pulled out, etc. — in a shared studio / office room. Ideally, the sound profile of the headphones would be pretty natural — i.e., not add a bunch of extra bass or make the treble too sparkly.

What I've already tried and sent back, and why they failed me:
- Bose QuietComfort 35 — Not enough passive isolation; I could still hear voices and miscellaneous noises in the room. And ANC performance didn't live up to its reputation. Bose forums suggest that a recent firmware update degraded the ANC, and my experience bears that out.
- Sony H.ear On MDR-100ABN — Bluetooth connectivity was finicky, and bass sounded crackly and blown-out above mid-volume. Other than that, the fit and isolation were good, and the ANC was surprisingly far better than the Bose QC35s.

Some that I'm considering so far, in no particular order:
- Samsung Level On PRO
- PSB M4U 2
- AO M7
- B&O PLAY by Bang & Olufsen Beoplay H9 (if they go on crazy sale)

I've looked at recommendations from Wirecutter and a handful of other sites, but (A) they rarely talk about the noise isolation, focusing only on the ANC quality, and (B) most of them love the Bose QC35s that I thought sucked. So I turn to you, audiophile MeFites! Help make my ears happy. Tell me what over-ear 'phones you've used that let you hear only the music.

IoT Router

Thu, 19 Oct 2017 03:41:55 GMT

We are beginning a new home remodel. This will result in installation of a lot of IoT things. Our router is an OLD Mac Airport Extreme from the Cretaceous. It only does 802.11 a, b, and 5GHz bands.

It will not be able to handle the # of simultaneous users. Also, because IoT devices are notoriously insecure I'd like a way to protect them, or segregate them into their own zone, so that any malware in them can't see our laptops, etc. (We both work from home a fair bit).

I'm looking at things like the Norton Core. Range of the wifi from the router is the least of our considerations because we have 3 POE access points strategically placed for coverage.

Word processing on the go

Thu, 19 Oct 2017 02:50:52 GMT

I need suggestions on technology that will let me take notes quickly on the go. Writing by hand is too slow for my purposes, so I need something as portable as a journal that I can type on with a QWERTY keyboard. Netbook? Some other solution I'm not thinking of?

A netbook seems like slight overkill since all I need is word processing. It basically just needs to be a compact machine that will let me type with all ten fingers, not just my thumbs. Would a smartphone or tablet with an external keyboard do this? I can't handle laggy typing, so it would need to be seamlessly integrated.

I would haul around my laptop for this, but it's too big and heavy to put into a tote bag or roomy purse.


Shopping for home insurance

Thu, 19 Oct 2017 00:35:51 GMT

It's easy to compare the price of home insurance, but how do you compare the quality —and whether the quality difference is worth the price. I'm thinking of both tangible specifics like deductibles and exclusions, and also less easy-to-pin-down qualities like customer service and how well they treat you when you need to use the insurance. Are there good lists of questions to ask on the phone, or good comparisons of providers available?

Universal Remotes - Upgrading a Harmony One

Wed, 18 Oct 2017 23:58:13 GMT

My Logitech Harmony One remote is wearing out (the buttons are failing) and I need to upgrade! I need to figure out the best upgrade path - if you have experience with or own Harmony products, or competing products, can you let me know what you'd suggest?

Four and a half years ago, I asked a question that led me to buying a Harmony One.

Now, looking at Logitech's current options (and others'), I see the game has completely changed. Logitech has understandably moved to integrating with smart home devices, smart phones, and, to be honest, I've got a number of them.

Products at my house:
- Nest thermostat (2nd gen)
- Nest Protects (1st and 2nd gen, mixed)
- (Probably soon) Nest cameras
- Sonos speakers (1, 3, and 5) and connect (to home theater speakers)
- XBox One (1st gen) & Playstation 4 (1st gen) & AppleTV (4th gen)
- iPhones (6 and SE) and iPads (two Pros and an old Retina)
- A home media server (macOS High Sierra)
- A cheap HDTV (LG 1080p)

Most of these products live in an entertainment cabinet or nearby. The thermostat's in the next room and the Sonos speakers are all over the house. I have Cat 6A ethernet throughout the house, as well as (mostly) Ubiquiti and Netgear (semi pro) networking hardware (switches and APs).

It looks like if I want a cheap-ish way of using Logitech, I would get one or two Harmony Hubs and the smartphone app, but I could also get an additional remote (with or without a screen for soft buttons) to control things from the couch. Is that right? What do you have or what would you suggest?

Price is not no object - I have to budget within reason - but I would like to consider good or best solutions for this question overall. And to be honest, I feel a little bit at sea - unsure of all the capabilities you can get these days with these products.

Thanks in advance for your help and opinions.