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Preview: You've had too much to think

You've had too much to think

You've had too much to think -

Last Build Date: Tue, 02 Jul 2013 13:04:12 GMT

Copyright: NOINDEX

Terrible Blogger

Tue, 02 Jul 2013 13:04:12 GMT

I admit – with the advent/popularity of FB and Twitter, I’m on there a whole lot more than I am here. It’s like my quick updates that I used to do here, are more suited for there. But in the process, I’ve lost touch with too many people that I met over my now 13+ year LJ/Blog experience, and I don’t really care for that.

It’s not just that though – I’ve got my family – first and foremost. Alex is heading to Kindergarden this year, which I’m still in denial about. And Zoe is getting ready to hit preschool for real. She’ll be 3 next month, and it’s blowing my mind. They’re both such little personalities – parts crazy and intellectual, caring and bossy. They keep me busy, warm my heard and drive me nuts. (image)

I’ve also got roller derby – I do too much there, but that’s because I care about it a lot. I’m trying to reduce the amount that I do now that there’s a lot of able hands, and it’s working, but slow to extricate myself. I’m a team Captain (which I love but a break for a year could be nice) which means I’m also a board member, I lead the Fresh Meat (new skater) training program, and handle tickets for bout production/other events. It’s a lot to do, in addition to the helping out in other areas that I try to offer as well. I would mind less if it wasn’t another part time job to fill up too many hours of the day.

Then there’s my etsy store – I revived it at the end of last year, and have enjoyed a lot of success with it. At least from the perspective of my own personal goals. I wanted to work at least one craft show this year (I’ve done three so far, with at least one more on the horizon) and sell a decent amount a month. I’d like to – and think I could – do a lot more, but my time has been so limited, and I’d rather spend my time with my family than in my craft room.

Throughout all of this is a troubling and long lasting bout of depression that’s hung with me since the end of last year. It’s like a cloying fog that’s impacted nearly everything. I’m hoping writing about it – and writing more – will help it some. I’m also reconsidering medications, but in the past they’ve always made me rather neutral rather than happy. I’d almost rather feel something instead of nothing, so I’m still just thinking.

But in my core, I’m happy. I’m a lucky person with a lovely life. I just need to be able to stop and smell those roses and I’ll be good. I think.

Current Mood: (image)  tired

Saturday will be my first year home

Wed, 12 Jun 2013 20:05:30 GMT

Honestly this has been the most challenging, oddest year of my life. I’ve learned a lot about who I am, who I’m not, and most importantly – who I want to be.

My kids are a constant wonder; even when they’re frustrating and make me want to scream, they’re amazing little things that make my  heart warm and my face smile. They’re the light of my life.

And even in the harshest light, and on the hardest days – I’ve never once said, “Oh I wish I hadn’t done this.” I call that a success.

Trading in my heels for Sneaks

Wed, 06 Jun 2012 03:13:15 GMT

There is a long story that was the breaking point for this decision, but if I must be honest – my heart was never as into work as it was before having children. My goals changed, my focus shifted, and my direction was more clear. I recalled my own youth, where my mother was the mom who was on every field trip, was at every school event, and made me breakfast every morning. It was she who was there when I fell on the playground, dusted me off and sent me back on my way. And even though I have nothing but respect for the choices of working moms (being still one myself at the time of this writing), there was a hole in my heart when I watched the bond my children was building with others that were not their parents. But, staying home was a pipe dream; after all, you can’t just walk away from a 14 year career. Right?

Luckily for me, the answer was: Wrong.

We decided – jointly – that what was best for each and every one of us in our family was for me to change jobs, and focus on our children and our household. It wasn’t an easy decision; it involved lots of spreadsheets, discussion, and reflection. But in the end, the choice was clear. And after it was made, and after I owned it – really owned it – it just felt right. The kids are excited, although I’m not sure that the younger one gets it at all. Alex though – he’s thrilled. At least he thinks he is now. (image)

June 15th is the last day before my big promotion. After that, I will be the President and CEO of my own domain, Queen of the household. I may get a tiara. In fact, I think that’ll be on my ever-growing list of things to do. I can’t wait to see what’s in store for us. More on THAT to follow. I’m thinking that blogging (and hopefully crafting along with it, adding to that section of this blog) will be more fruitful.

On being a Liberal and Media Elitism

Sat, 31 Mar 2012 20:29:54 GMT

So I’m not a big fan of people accusing the media of being elitist. I think it’s subjective, and difficult to prove – not only on an article by article basis, but it’s just an easy straw man to raise when you are not in general agreement with the premise of the current tone of the country.

All that being said, someone is wrong on the internet.

It all started when one David Henderson (who I had never heard of, but my husband followed) posted an overdramatic title to an article I actually happened to agree with. The topic was Wikipedia, and how rampant editor abuse can be there. Rather than a researched article however, this was based off his personal experience. It’s on his blog, so that’s really just fine.

However, when my husband took umbredge with the hyperbolic title for what would be otherwise a good piece of information, he received this:(image)

I admit – I get a little momma bear at times, and got into the fray. My issue here was that my husband was apparently ‘not worthy’ of an intelligent discussion with — because he doesn’t choose to put his blog/website/etc in his twitter profile. He wanted more information, and instead of some discourse (on a topic that again – we agree with this gentleman on) – he effectively got shat on. Classy.

You can look up my exchanges with him too, but it involved pointing out that he was not really communicating well, and him calling me “barely lucid”. And this isn’t even the worst of it. My husband emailed him to try to get his point across (bless his heart), and this is what he received in response.

Now, I admit it – totally biased here. But David’s response was so condescending, so laughably unprofessional, it exposed to me a little of what those who refer to the ‘media elite’ mean. And considering how much we both know about social media, the whole thing just is irony in the greatest degree.

This man managed to turn two people (again – who AGREE with his point nearly completely) from social media supporters to detractors. Why? Pretty much because he couldn’t be bothered to read what we were actually saying to him, and thinking he was clearly better than us (which in all honesty may be true, but again – that’s rather subjective for him to just toss out there as an assertion).

For some reason this brings me great amusement, because at the end of the day I know who really understands social media better. And it’s not someone who has to note that he’s got an Emmy on a twitter bio.

Update: @Jimmy_wales? Responded to husband more than willing to talk to him to clarify. That’s all he wanted, in the end. So the founder of Wikipedia is glad to converse, some random blogger gets all elitist. For those keeping score at home.

Update #2: The article in question from Wikipedia? Apparently Mr. Henderson had created his OWN Wikipage with no citations about all of his awards, and when he broke the rules that he clearly didn’t read, he got butthurt about it. NOW I get it. He’s being a petulant, over defensive kidlet.

i am a fucking terrible blogger

Tue, 10 Jan 2012 16:28:00 GMT

you’d think that after over a decade (really, i started my first online blog before they were known as such as sort of a running commentary/online diary in 1998) i’d keep it up on a semi-regular basis. hell, i even have a stack of paper journals that i kept during college that were sometimes the stuff of legends. everyone knew about them, and respected them. even though one had a  stuffed bear on the cover. it was super hardcore inside of course (not).

but no, it’s almost always the thing i want to sit down and hammer out, but the last thing I remember to do before hitting the pillow. and as a quick aside, holy shit was i emo in 1998. song lyrics? shudder. i’m going to have to close that window before i take a well intentioned but ego-murdering walk down memory lane.

it’s not really as big of a personal failing when you look over the ones i know that i do have, but i wish i did it more. i like to keep track of things (the amount of love i have for my fitbit is just dumb) so it’s right up my alley. but it’s the catharthic process of pouring out a little bit of myself that i’ve had a hard time with lately. although there’s no shortage of shit i need to work out in this fashion for sure.

is it mommy insecurity? body image issues? the absolute overcommitment issues i have that both drive me and injury me? yes. it’s happy stuff too, my awesome family (kids and chris are doing mostly wonderful, everyone else too), the good life i get to lead – all of that too. it’s just locked up.

maybe if my ipad had a better interface for wordpress i’d post more, but that’s sort of a fable too, isn’t it? i just need to motivate myself, like with everything else in my life. actually commit to do the things i want to do, not just the things i have to do. maybe that’ll be part of my new years resolutions.

oh yes. one more thing i need to do. that, and get a better spam comment pluging because – holy crap. god forbid i have a real comment in there, i’d almost never see it.

over and under – first world problems

Wed, 26 Oct 2011 17:09:11 GMT

i don’t blog a whole lot as of late. it’s hardly that i have nothing to say (when have i ever had that problem), but it’s that i’ve got a never ending dearth of things going on. this is both a good thing and a bad thing. i am most sane when i am most engaged. but the level of stress i’m having in some parts of my life (which i don’t blog about, i’m sure you can figure out which category that might be by checking my tags for this post) are really amazingly crushing. it’s taking a toll for sure and i don’t care for it.

i also have a lot of guilt surrounding these ‘crushing’ feelings. it’s a first world problem for sure. i’m very lucky to have what i have, and to do what i do. that being said, i’d love to throw it all away and be at home with my kids. just not in the cards these days.

so for the time being, i’ll continue to try not to feel bad for myself, and not self-focus as much as i have been. i feel like i’m losing touch with people and in general, and i don’t like it.

Back to Derby

Fri, 08 Jul 2011 21:01:32 GMT

It’s actually been a while, but then again it’s been a while since I’ve posted as well.

In April a league formed literally in my backyard. Like, there’s not a closer place to skate than the place we had our first meetup, and I used to practice there all the time. It was fate. I’d looked into other leagues (DCRG moved their practices into the District proper shortly after I was unable to continue as meat with them in 2008, and it’s just too far to go) but none piqued my interest until now.

I’m skating with NOVA Roller Derby, and when I’m out there you can call me Loudoun Dirty, #37 in a row (image) It’s amazeballs to be skating again, and with such a fantastic group of women to be sure. There’s even a video from practice last night that was just posted (Just pay no attention to elbows mcghee over here):

I’m currently skating with:

-Triple 8 Brainsaver helmet

-187 Killer Wrist/Elbow/Kneepads

-Riedell 265 Wickeds

-ATOM G-Rods are my go to wheel at the moment, but I also love my pusher combo from Heartless

-Astronuts & Gumball toe stops

I’m pretty happy with the setup – The practice surface we’ve got right now is super slippy some nights, but in generally these wheels are doing me up right. I’m happy to be back doing this, and even though I’m not at a level where I consider myself good – I’m closer than I’ve ever been before. My endurance is up, my skills are shaping up, and I’m generally pleased with my progress. I’ve got a lot of work to do – I can’t wait to do it!

Current Mood: (image)  cheerful

Originally published at -

it’s funny how a song can bring you right back

Fri, 25 Mar 2011 13:03:34 GMT

to a specific place, or time, or even it was tied, a song by a band named Tribe (not A Tribe Called Quest which is a common question when i mention them) – they were a boston band that was wonderful and awesome, and i saw them live often in college.  there’s even a tribe track in rock band – outside – because some of the former band members work for harmonix.but tied makes me think of one specific show that i went to, right in lowell – the city i went to college in. i went with carla, and her boyfriend rob, and some other people who i just don’t remember. we must have arrived super early, because we managed to be right at the stage. and when the band took it, they took my breath away.the lead singer (janet lavalley) had a command of the stage – strong and sexy in a way i may not have truly seen since.  she was self confidence with a singing voice and she was right there in front of me. she was real and raw and amazing.right next to her on keyboards was terri barous - just as beautiful as janet but in a different, more demure way. she was almost the foil to janet’s on stage persona, a quiet and almost gentle force that gave you another alternative for your female role band girl role model. she sang sometimes too, and never looked completely comfortable; it only added to her charm. between the two of them i never wanted to be a rock star so bad in my entire life as i did at that show, and never since.the other reason this particular show is memorable to me among the other tribe shows i saw is that before the encore a fight broke out right behind me. dude wanted to get to the front of the stage and no one was having it, so he was forcing the issue. i was punched in the back, and shoved – hard – right into and onto the stage. my friend’s boyfriend came to my aid, and then climbed up on the stage to see if i was alright (as you might be able to visualize this was NOT a high stage, if i had looked straight ahead i was knee level to them). security had been slow when i stumbled on the stage, but with two of us up there they quickly escorted us out.backstage, someone who i believe was the drummer asked me if i was alright, as he had seen the entire thing. he quickly grabbed a set list, and asked if i wanted it – perhaps the only thing he could offer at that time, and i took it thankfully like a true fan girl. i was alright after all, and getting to speak to someone who at the time (and really still now) was in one of my favorite bands i was sort of star stunned. security came over and took both rob and i to escort, and i heard the drummer tell him to bring us back to the audience as we had done nothing either didn’t hear him, or didn’t care. next thing we knew we were outside in the cold night air, alone with a handle-less door slammed in our face. we had been kicked out of the show.we didn’t care. we started to laugh, and with only two or three more songs remaining we knew that we would not only see the band again in the future, but had a story to tell. i think of all the shows i’ve ever been to, that stands still as my absolute favorite.all that from one song. i never doubt the power music has on us. i couldn’t find the song that came up this morning, but this is sing to neptune which is among my favorite songs by tribe (which really isn’t fair because i love almost every one of them), and rescue me with terri singing too. i’m not sure if they’re on itunes, but i you ever want to hear them i have the cd’s still and am always happy to lend.[...]

wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff

Thu, 24 Mar 2011 16:08:38 GMT

i maybe in love with a doctor. but he’s not that kind of doctor.

i’ve been watching entirely too much doctor who these days. i haven’t liked a show like this since BSG, and it’s a delight to have a nice serial to go home to and watch when i have the time to do so. i was enamored of eccleston, but i’ve fast found the same affection for tennant. there is an internal struggle going on to both watch the new/rebooted series AS FAST AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE so i can start watching the new ones on 4/26 when they show on BBC America. but at the same time i want to savor them, and not rush watching them because when i hit bottom i have to wait WHOLE WEEKS to see new ones. my first world problems, let me show you them. i may even already have two tshirts. maybe.

in other time travel news, alex will be 3 years old on sunday. i find that incredible, difficult to believe, and wonderful. he is growing up to be an amazing and hysterical little boy, and i am thankful for his continued health and love every day.

i want to post a birth/3 picture but i don’t have any i’ve taken in the past few weeks (and really these days he changes so frequently!) — so here’s a video of him and zoe playing together. i’m a lucky woman, that’s for sure.

in which i make perhaps my most rambling post ever

Mon, 28 Feb 2011 15:09:01 GMT

but i really have been depressed for a while now. my focus is gone, my energy level is nil. i’m even getting weepy – not like myself at all, honestly. i’ve given a lot of thought about writing all of this down, because let’s be truthful – who knows who really reads this. is it someone i work with, would it get back to people who might treat me or think of me differently? i guess my final answer when really given all that to chew on is – i don’t particularly care. this is who i am, and i’ve been apologetic for it too many times in my life.

i barely even know how to sum up my thoughts lately, but i do know one important thing – my priorities in life have shifted, and i would consider them in the right place. this means a lot of things though, least of which that my desire to be a career woman/working mother is all but gone. i want a career change,and am applying to be a domestic engineer. it’s quite a pay cut, but the other compensation more than makes up for it. but, we still need to determine if that’s a viable option from the home front angle. how affordable is our lifestyle – even after cutting things out – without my paycheck.

am i sure this is the only source of my depression? absolutely not. but i do know that even if staying home didn’t fix my sadness, it would fix the hole in my heart that forms every day when i leave my kids. i understand that the grass is always greener, and that the level that they will drive me nuts if i get to stay home with them is equal to what i have to deal with at work. but at least i will love them. i mean my coworkers are good people, but i didn’t give birth to them. :p

i am ready to be a mom full time. i am ready to leave this phase of my life behind. the problem comes truly if we can’t afford it – how do i get myself out of this headspace and back to a place where i can commit to my career? i mean, it’s not faltering (at least i don’t think it is) but i can’t see my drive lasting through another 3-5 years.

i am lucky to have these problems, i know. but problems they are, and right now they’re just knocking around in my head and coming out in an inarticulate manor. bleh.

i’m no baking genius but i do like to do it

Mon, 21 Feb 2011 20:01:57 GMT

so i got the pioneer woman’s new cookbook (well, newish) and i adore it. but i was looking to bake something for a group event, and her recipes are not as… well, they weren’t what i wanted to bake. i love both cooking and baking, so i went on a search for something fun but not that crazy to do (aka I could do it in between other stuff, and it wouldn’t be too time intensive). i sort of succeeded.i settled on bakerella’s cupcake bites. i hadn’t been familiar with her site before a week or so ago, so i went there relatively quickly in my search, wanting to give her a try. the recipe seemed simple enough – really, it was more assembly than anything else. and they were super cute. so i gave it a try, and i have to say i like how they came out. let me start out by stating that i am an unoriginal bastard in both baking and knitting – i am very apt to follow the yarn/design recommendations given, at least the first time i do something. so, here’s what bakerella’s look like:Bakerella's cupcake bitesfirst i had to go to joanns and get some chocolate for melting, and a peanut butter cup mold for the bottom. not super spendy, and i stayed (mostly) on target.then it was time to bake the cake part. red velvet. it’s hard to go down a wrong taste avenue with this old favorite. simple too – bake a 13×9 pan. even i can’t fuck that up (actually on second thought i’m positive i COULD, but i didn’t!):i didn’t let the cake cool, and when i mixed them together it was sort of… mush. but delicious mush. apparently in reading the comments a lot of people do this, so i’m not alone. and who knows how much it truly changes the texture of the final product. considering how delicious they are, i am supposing it can only go up. i mean look at this – it is a cake + frosting mush. win.After this, you make them into balls (heh heh balls) of mushy deliciousness and freeze them for a bit so they have some sort of structural integrity. i call this part, “prepare to have hands so red you look like you committed some sort of awful crime”. so a word about the instructions where it states to fill the mold with “a small amount of chocolate” – she didn’t measure. i have decided this means “about halfway full”, at least of the cups that i got. any more than that and even with cake displacement, the amount of chocolate ‘shell’ around the bottom of the balls (hee) is waaay thick. with my braces (i still hate them, for those keeping score) those were almost impossible to bite into. almost. the goal here is to have the awesome shape on the bottom that makes them look like a cupcake, wi ithout having it be too thick. after they are set, it’s all about dipping the top in more chocolate (more difficult than it sounds – i can’t tell you how many slipped straight in, or didn’t get what i called ‘adequate cuteness coverage’. i wish i had found a good way to solve this issue by the end (because after like 50+ tries – it makes a lot – i didn’t). i suspect that the original/bakerella version uses a deeper ‘cup’, so who knows. having a problem like needing to lick a lot of chocolate off your fingers is a great one to have. i topped just like hers, and i think that in the end, they came out pretty awesome:there are still some in the fridge. save me from eating them all. i am sending some in to work with chris tomorrow, since i’m off. nom nom nom. Current Mood:  accomplished[...]

when forced to consider all the parts of an ER visit

Wed, 26 Jan 2011 13:23:58 GMT

it’s the drive i hate the most. although it’s not until we are home that this is evident to me. (we are home, and she’s good. not great but she’ll get there – they think it’s just an ear infection, but i’ve got my eye on her, as i’m not convinced that’s all it is. we know it’s not the flu, or rsv at least. her fever got up to almost 105, so i wasn’t going to f around. anwyays.)it’s not the adrenaline filled race around the house trying to find what you will “need” while there. after all, it’s only a minute until you remember the answer is simple – just the patient that you truly need. it’s not the impatient pause in the waiting area, even though it is filled with anxious pacing, and the sick feeling as the first rush of adrenaline fades. if i don’t cry, i always get close. stoic i can be, but never here. it’s not the triage area, or even the room we inevitably sit in for hours while paperwork is filed, and tests are run and evaluated. there is a sense of relief there that you are being helped, even if it is 90% wait. the drive is awful. first there is the speed. everyone is in my way because i am a mother with a mission. not the best state to be in, i berate myself while i think that this is justified and ok. in reality, i probably did not go much faster than i normally do. but it seems as if i was zooming. it is approximately a 10 minute drive to the hospital that has the pediatric er. on the way there, the amount of things that go through my head is awful. truly awful. i wish my mind didn’t go there so easily. it’s a frantic time where you need to be the least frantic, and it’s got none of the comfort of the other phases of the trip. even though you’re going somewhere, you don’t feel (or again i don’t) like you’re actively doing something to help the situation. i am quintessentially in my own way. i wrote most of this last night, sitting at the hospital waiting for the aforementioned results. with alex this was somewhat old hat, we’d done it so many times. but even then it was like this. zoe’s first fever. man, what a doozie. [...]

perhaps my subject will be clear at the conclusion

Tue, 11 Jan 2011 14:42:08 GMT

i really should post more. in fact, i think about it a lot – getting my jumbled thoughts out on paper (even if it is virtual) and not stuck in my head. instead i bottle them up, and they spill out with much more passion than intended, and i fear that more than one person has been turned off by the unintended intensity of my words.that’s a serious start to a post i wanted to make about weight loss and knitting.anyhow, weight loss. sept 11 i think is when i posted and started my real attempts at dropping this weight which has dogged me most of my 30′s, and a good portion of my 20′s too – long enough that most people know me more for how i looked then than how i imagine myself. that’s not how i want it to be – i want my self-image to match how i really look, and most importantly i want to set a good example for my kids and get the way i eat under control. i was 211 then, and today i am 189.9. and while i’m thrilled to be down all of that weight, it’s far from a struggle to be complacent for several reasons:-almost all my clothes that i wore at 211 i still wear now – granted, where before they were almost too tight to wear, now they are too loose. but still.-i still feel like i look the same. even though i know when i see pictures how much of a difference there is (odd when compared to the above)-all of the stuff at the stores i want to shop at still doesn’t fit me-if i’m not totally hard on myself, i slip – and slipping isn’t about how much i weigh, it’s about binge eating. not goodso i trudge on – the very top of my normal weight range for my height is 150, so my first target is 145. i want to get a little lower than that ideally, but man – i’d take that in a hot minute i’ve been trying to do a lot of knitting lately, but it’s going in fits and spurts. add to that a decision i made yesterday that i didn’t love the color i’d picked out for a sweater. 4 inches in. a madtosh sweater, in oxblood. soooo… i ordered enough in the tart colorway to redo. and i’m going to make the tea leaves cardi out of the oxblood, which makes me much happier. and who wants a sweater they’re not going to wear because they were unhappy with it before it was even finished? not this girl. there’s so much more in my head – zoe’s awesomeness, alex’s equal awesomeness. my wonderful husband and family. upcoming trips. house stuff. but all of that will have to wait, and perhaps be enough motivation for me to get back on the blogging wagon – because i WANT to be on it. Current Mood:  sleepy[...]

knit ALL the things

Wed, 01 Dec 2010 19:37:33 GMT

since i had two 14 hour car trips and a weeks worth of visiting in memphis to do last week, i decided to embark on a personal project, entitled ‘knit ALL the things‘. the name is in homage to hyperbole and a half, which if you haven’t seen it i think you’re missing out. your views may differ, but i find her hilarious.anyhow, i brought 8 projects with me. i finished 4, and started 1 additional one. not too shabby.first was a scarf i knit for [redacted] for christmas. it was about 75% complete prior to the trip:second was my space invaders socks that i first started in like 2007, ripped out, and recently restarted:third was a totally awesome christmas hat for zoe:fourth, an awesome beret that still needs to be blocked, but will be really cute when it is (i hope):and fifth, a santa hat for me that i really barely started, but it totally counts. i had wanted to also get some progress done on one of my hand spinning projects (some yummy silk i’d gotten at a fiber fest in sept), some other socks and a shawl. it was nice to get through some of my project queue that i want to get done, and i’m hoping the santa hat is finished for this friday’s work holiday party. but that remains to be seen, with only tonight and tomorrow left to work on it.other things are so craptastic that i really only want to talk about knitting right now. everything else is adult and i’m mentally avoiding it, at least until i hit publish. feh. Mood: busy[...]

i should probably fess up about my diet

Tue, 02 Nov 2010 17:55:30 GMT

i know the title sounds ominous, but it’s not really. i’m down 10lbs so far since september, which is awesome. but i haven’t really updated a lot, which is not. so there it is. 200.8 on the scale this morning, and that’s after an especially shitty halloween candy binge.Alex and I at a Wedding on Sunday199 was my pre-pregnancy weight with alex, so i’m almost there. i’m wearing things i haven’t for a while (including my wedding ring – but not the engagement ring with it yet) and feeling generally better. it’s been difficult because i don’t like working out AT ALL on this blood pressure medication – i’m on labelalol (LOL) thanks to postpartum hypertension. it’s way down now, but they wanted me on the meds for 3 months. ew.after i get off, i’ll start working out again. after all, i still want to get back to roller derby. yes i’m still convinced i can balance it. yes i am insane.anyways. weight loss. going well. whenever i get pleased with myself i have a fallback though, so i’m trying to be harder on my eating than i normally would be.either way i’m on target to meet my 199 goal well before the end of the year, which is when i gave myself goal after the 199 is the 180 of my pre-fertility drug weight. my goal for that is the end of march. and after that, it’s on to the end of the year for 150 with a stretch goal of the end of july.OH. i also voted today. because that has everything to do with dieting and a healthy self-image, i felt as if i should include it in this update. yup.[...]

everybody work

Fri, 22 Oct 2010 16:42:19 GMT

so this tuesday, i went back to work.

it was, at risk of sliding into the hyperbolic, heartbreaking.

i miss her sweet little face every day, all day. i thoroughly enjoyed my leave, perhaps too much, and coming back was nothing short of a cold and hard reality that we are slaves to our jobs, and to our lifestyles. i would love to throw it all away and live with my family on meager things, but i’d also love to give them the sun and moon, and to be able to do that takes money.

and so, i return to work. the work itself is not bad; i rather enjoy my job, and i’d like to think i’m good at what i do. they were glad to have me back, that’s for sure. a needed ego boost. i’ve been trying to ensure i look for one bright spot every day, even if it’s just singing while i drive to work.

my cube is all but littered with photos now. i like it this way.

Current Mood: busy

as my maternity leave winds down

Mon, 27 Sep 2010 16:08:21 GMT

i’ve had a chance to ponder the inner workings of being a stay at home mom. sure i’ve got a lot more me time with a new baby and alex in day care than i would if i watched them both full time, so it’s no where near exact. but whereas last time i couldn’t wait to go back, this time it’s a lot different. last time i wanted to go back because it was a sense of ‘normal’ – maternity leave had been the hospital, a sick baby and a lot of stress. add in the new mother tasks and being a first time mother, and it was terrifying and something i was happy to share responsibility with for a bit of my pay. also, when i went back to work chris was the one who took care of him for the next 7 weeks, and then we swapped back off our vacation to watch him for 2-3 more weeks. he didn’t hit day care until almost 6 months. none of this is to say i didn’t want to stay home – it was just terrifying, and work was ‘known’. i love that kid as much as i love this kid, but his experience was more trying, i’d be a liar if i didn’t admit that.zoë will be so much different – has been so much different. sure its never easy with a new baby, but she’s to date had no major issues, and has been a generally agreeable and good baby. none of the sleeping downstairs near the swing so we all get a bit of shut eye, no medical devices I had to learn – I’ve had time to be a bit of a home maker, and oddly and quite honestly i’ve determined that i find it quite enjoyable. i could – and would love to – stay home with my kids and be a full time stay at home mom if i had to – and if i could.if i do remains to be seen, but it’s nice to know that it’s a job that not only would be enjoyed (most of the time ;P) but one that I could do. i wasn’t quite sure of that last part. Current Mood:  cheerful[...]

the constant struggle with my weight

Sun, 12 Sep 2010 00:59:05 GMT

since i quit smoking oh, what, 12 years ago now (yay, for that i will never regret) my weight steadily went north, until i hit a high that was too, too much. since then i've strugged to get it off with great success, and reasoned failure. at my best calculation i gained at least 70 pounds, probably closer to 80 or more.

in 2006/2007 I lost 50 pounds, and was doing great. then came fertility drugs; they affect everyone differently, and honestly maybe it was the emotional tie, but i ate. and gained. by the time i was pregnant with alex i had gained 19 of that 50 back. i never lost all of my alex pregnancy weight, but with zoe since i didn't gain all that much, today i weigh half a pound less than i did when i got pregnant with her. a victory that i'll take, even if small.

today i sit 61 pounds heavier than i want to be. that's my median, ideally i'd be lower than that. but that's where i want to be. really, to be honest - where i need to be. i want to be healthy for my kids, and set a good example to them. i want to stand up without it being hard. i want to go back to roller derby (i willll not give uppp). i want to hike with husband. i want to be active again. it's sad that i was much more active when i smoked. although don't tell the tobacco companies that, if they could advertise they'd use that.

my knitting group (which i love and is totally awesome) is having a weight loss challenge, and i am doing it too. yes, the yarn prize is nice, but the motivation is really what i'm looking for, to get the ball rolling. so today i will be honest, and admit that i weight 211 pounds, at 5 feet 5 inches. i am heavy and i do not like it. i don't pretend that i carry it well, because even if that's true it's still not what i want. so putting it out there, means i have to lose weight. doesn't it?

i'll pretend it does.

swagger wagon

Mon, 06 Sep 2010 12:01:05 GMT

we got it. pictures coming. i don't miss the toerag as much as i feared i would.

now she just needs a name. narrowed it down to either violet or beatrix.

why i am considering a minivan

Thu, 02 Sep 2010 02:31:10 GMT

so i don't want a minivan, for reasons which are neither mature or rational. for some reason i have let society and myself talk me actually OUT of wanting one, or making me think i shouldn't want one to begin with.

reasons i don't want one, with no offense meant to those who have one
-it makes me feel old
-it makes me feel less cool (like i am cool at all now ha!)
-i feel like they come with a free pair of mom jeans and applique vest
-i don't like or fit in with the soccer mom image that they represent to me

reasons i should just suck it up:
-i can get ALL the features i want in the other car without the pricetag
-i will probably only have it for 6 years, in which time the other car i want will be TRASHED
-yes this car will be trashed too, but it's a minivan and i don't care about it so why not
-at the end of its probable 6 year run i will have kids that will be less likely to trash it
-caring what other people think about my car is dumb
-what car i drive doesn't define me
-i can actually haul more than just me and chris and the babies around
-those that i know who have minivans don't fit into the stereotype i've built at all, so it shouldn't even really still bother me since i know those reasons aren't true

reasons that i don't want to suck it up

reasons why i probably will suck it up and get one
-i'll have a long time to pick out the next car which will be ossim and well deserved after minivan hell
-i can doll it up with stickers that are HARDCORE (or maybe just some sort of funny stormtrooper family with the bows on it)
-i'm a grown up who needs a bigger car and this is a less expensive option for my family, which is the most important point

i think i may have, in one day, talked myself into a vehicle that i never thought i ever wanted.

6 weeks today

Wed, 01 Sep 2010 14:36:03 GMT

when i realized it'd be almost 13 weeks since i posted - math made easy to do thanks to my last subject line - it was time to get some thoughts out. even if brief, i really do enjoy writing not just for my own edification but because i always hear from others when i do. i still read journals and blogs even if my comments are either brief or non-existent. the baby sometimes lets me type, sometimes does not. also, twitter and facebook are easier to use, let's be honest. however, i really don't like facebook, so i say what everyone does, which is that 'i'll try to post here more often'. i'll try to make that NOT an empty promise.

6 weeks ago today, Zoe Josephine was born, 7lbs 14 oz, 20 inches long. she was born beautiful, screaming, and with all bits and parts where they should be. it was a wonderfully healing and fulfilling experience to be able to be mentally present for the birth of my child, for chris to be able to share it too, and to have her with us in our room. i cherish alex's experiences even more now, and hers too. she's my little bee and she's already living up to her name.

pictures of her can be found here, but here's my favorite:


7 weeks and change

Thu, 27 May 2010 14:34:27 GMT

and then baby number 2 gets here. to say that went by fast is an understatement. granted i've not felt the best this time around, but i'm forcing my nesting instinct into gear, and trying to give husband some relief that he sorely needs. i took the last three days of this week off to get stuff done, and it's working out great. i got another load of baby laundry put away (since i've been lucky enough to both have alex's stuff from last time, and generous friends) and got the nursery from 'room where anything remotely baby like was thrown in' to 'looking slightly shitty'. so that's genuine progress. i'm feeling less like there's a million things to do, and more like i can bring a few things downstairs, pack my own bag and buy a coming home outfit and we'll be set.

we do need to figure out alex's arrangements though, but we have a backup if we end up with no good options. and really there's probably 1987489754 things i'm also forgetting. but hey. really all a baby needs is food (got it) diapers (plenty) and a car seat (all set) to get home from the hospital, so no stress.

other things are going great. i've been knitting up a storm, doing a little sewing, and playing SC2/WoW when i can (which isn't a lot) -- that's ok, because all of those things won't be seen for months once baby comes. gets me used to shifting gears.

alex is doing great. his vocabulary is insane, and he's a little funny guy for sure. he's sweet, but he has both husband AND my temper. we're in so much trouble.

i usually don't write nastygrams...

Tue, 27 Apr 2010 17:09:32 GMT

my experience today at panera - i'll let this letter i just sent them through their web site speak for itself. needless to say i am still pissed.

First off - shame on me for not complaining sooner. Today was the third time that this Panera has messed up my order, and the only thing I can promise is that it will be the last.

I know this is a busy location, but the general disregard for people is insulting and offputting. I'm a regular at another Panera so I know this isn't a company problem.

Today I ordered an egg and four cheese souffle (at noon) which was really what I wanted. Being 7 months pregnant, and just having my braces adjusted, I can safely say it's ALL I wanted. I asked when they were made, and was told "11am, but they're fine because they're on the warmer". I ordered something additional as a just in case (thank goodness) and went to wait for my order. A woman who I can only assume was the manager rudely pushed past me to get to the counter, and started kindly assisting another customer -- all with her back squarely in my face. No excuse me, no nothing. When my order was called and I said it was mine, she rudely pushed my bag in my face with barely a word.

When I returned to my office and cut open my egg souffle, it was some sort of spinach/pepper concoction - VERY different from the four cheese I had specifically requested. To say that I broke down in tears is not hyperbole. This was the straw that broke my back today - yes, I realize I am lucky to have these 'problems', but that is not the point here. It's a summation of a lack of service in this location, and it's systemic.

My kind husband returned the food to get me what I really wanted, but of course by the time he got back (which wasn't really that long) they had tossed the remaining egg souffles, with no offer to make another one. Honestly? I don't care how difficult it would be to make another one. If someone comes back to the store with one that YOU messed up, it is your obligation to make a new one. Although now I wonder if I was also served food that was well past it's expiration time.

I was not bothered to be presented with my receipt (although my Panera card will show the transaction) and will not return to that location even if I was given all the gift certificates in the world. I'll also make sure that anyone in my office who will listen knows this story.

Will I continue to go to other Paneras? That depends on the response to this complaint. I truly hope that you take this seriously, as while there is the chance that I am overly hormonal due to being pregnant, the experience I had was terrible from start to finish regardless of any emotional input on my part.

funny things around the house

Mon, 05 Apr 2010 14:33:41 GMT

alex is quite a talker, and at 2 is outtalking many of the kids in his class. sure he's small, but he's quick witted. :P give and take, right?

so we've been trying to prepare him for the baby, and talking about that she's coming, introducing him to the concept of siblings, a baby around the house, etc. we've asked him what he should do with the baby (we suggest things like love, kiss, hug) and the things he's suggested just make me hysterical - although i try not to let him see me laugh, lest he think any of these suggestions are alright. except the ones that are, of course.

using his words:

  • hit the baby! (he raises his hand and pretends to hit me)

  • eat the baby! (he opens his mouth as wide as possible. occasionally he also mashes teeth)

  • feed the baby mulch (he's done this to a girl at school once. he meant well, i think)

  • kiss the baby (man was i glad to hear this one)

  • show the baby tv

  • hug the baby

he then practices many of these on my leg. i think we're in trouble. he also knows this is hilarious -- we were in the grocery the other day and he points to a man, and goes. "Momma, hit the man!" and when I said no he SCREAMED it at the top of his lungs. now THAT was awesome. er, i mean no! not nice. :P

so since i'm a slacker

Sun, 14 Mar 2010 23:34:25 GMT

i don't think i ever mentioned we found out that this baby is a girl. :D

we were going to not find out again, but we figured we'd just do it one way one time, and the other the other. i don't regret knowing really, but i think i'd be ok if i didn't. it's fun to look at girl clothes though, i fully admit.

each week is moderately better than the last, but i'm still somewhat dry-heave-y. nothing terrible, just annoying almost 6 months in. worth it though!

alex is great - talking up a storm and being a crazy man. he loves his big boy room, and is just such a cool kid. loving and funny and everything i could ask for. i think his most popular things to say these days is, "NO ALE X DO IT" and "NO MOMMA" - ha. i have been a total slack ass in the picture department, so i'll fix that soon and post some. i take a lot of cell phone pictures that i have to upload.

his birthday is coming up - two already. i can hardly believe it. time really does go so fast.