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The Central PA Gazelle

A look at what isn't making news across the midstate

Updated: 2014-10-06T19:26:26.404-05:00


Linda Thompson's Giant Beaver Blamed For Water Problems


(HARRISBURG) - Sources are fingering Harrisburg Mayor Linda Thompson's giant beaver as the cause of last week's water-main break that shut down several businesses along with city and state government.An employee with United Demolition and Excavating, speaking on condition of anonymity, said Thompson's pet beaver was to blame for the snafu.This is not the first time Thompson's beaver has been

Man At Wine Kiosk Can't Make Up His Fucking Mind


(CAMP HILL) - A trip to the grocery store took a lot longer than expected today for Alex Benner of New Cumberland. That's because Benner, whose wife Jeanne sent him to the store for milk, Frosted Flakes and tampons, ended up stymied by his spontaneous decision to purchase a bottle of wine at the wine kiosk."I figured it'd be easy to just grab a bottle and go," Benner said. "At first, I was going

Wagner Releases Whacked-Out Report, Just To See If Anyone's Listening


(HARRISBURG) - Pennsylvania Auditor General and former soap opera hunk Jack Wagner today released a broad report on topics ranging from the state budget to sexually transmitted disease, apparently just to see if anyone was paying attention.Wagner's report said the Commonwealth is "$12 kajillion in debt;" prostitution is "running rampant" in the Department of Public Welfare; drillers tapping into

Dingell-Baehre Wedding Planned


(HARRISBURG) - Former Harrisburg Area Community College President Edna Baehre has announced plans to wed Congressman John Dingell of Michigan.Baehre, who recently accepted a job as president of Napa Valley Community College in California, said she will hyphenate her new last name, which will be Dingell-Baehre.The couple met on a quail hunting expedition in Montana. "It was love at first gunshot,"

Corbett Changes A.G. Moniker To "Office Of The Future Governor"


(HARRISBURG) - Just days after scoring a victory in the Republican primary, Attorney General Tom Corbett today changed the name of his office to "Office of the Future Governor of Pennsylvania."Corbett said the change "better reflects what my main focus will be between now and November."Corbett also unveiled a new website, announcing that has been replaced by

Jesus Rises From The Dead, School Cancelled Monday


(Jerusalem) -- Jesus Christ again rose from the dead today, causing midstate school districts to cancel Monday classes and Biblical scholars to speculate as to why He chose this year to make a big return."It's probably the economy," said Josiah Dirk, a professor of resurrectional sciences at Messiah College. "My guess is He figures He can stir some shit up and get things back on track."Christ

Linda Thompson Dresses As Linda Thompson For Halloween


(HARRISBURG) - City Council President and Democratic mayoral candidate Linda Thompson dressed as herself this Halloween, instilling fright in young and old alike throughout the city of Harrisburg.At first, many residents offered Thompson candy when she appeared on their doorstep, only to have the mayoral candidate explain that her visit was related to campaigning and not

Intercourse Lands 2016 Olympics


(INTERCOURSE) - The International Olympic Committee has announced that the 2016 Olympics will take place in Intercourse, Pennsylvania.Key to its decision, said the IOC, was the Lancaster County community's rural setting and the slogan submitted by Mayor Levi Stoltzfus: "Intercourse 2016: The World Is Coming."In his passionate appeal to the IOC at its meeting in Denmark, Stoltzfus conceded that

A Message From D. Editor


Dear Readers:After a lengthy hiatus caused by the need to obtain a full-time position as shopping cart return boy in order to pay the bills, I am happy to report that Gov. Ed Rendell has finally bestowed upon me a no-work job. As a result, I plan to once again sit on my ass and resume publication of the Central PA Gazelle. Please accept my sincere apologies for the months-long interruption in

Economic Woes Cause Cutbacks At Gazelle


(UNDATED) - In response to the economic downturn that is pummeling newspapers everywhere -- not just us, okay?!? -- the Central PA Gazelle today announced several belt-tightening moves.The publication's sole employee, D. Editor, announced several steps designed to offset losses in revenue, including plans to:accept a no-work state job to help pay the bills.eliminate all spontaneous contributions

TMI Planning Radiation Release To Mark Accident's 30th Anniversary


(MIDDLETOWN) - Officials with Exelon Nuclear today unveiled plans to allow Three Mile Island Unit One to malfunction on March 28, in honor of the 30th anniversary of the famous accident at the nuclear plant."We plan to trigger the partial meltdown through a series of events that meld nostalgia with the problems of today," said TMI spokesman Ralph DeSantis. "So in the early morning hours of the

Beers & Spears


SPEARS to Patriot-News Editorial Page Editor Heather Long for her JEERS to Acting Labor and Industry Secretary (and apparent Boozehound) Sandi Vito. Long chides Vito for her drunken escapade, adding "It's a little early for St. Patrick's Day celebrations" -- as if to say getting piss-drunk in public on select holidays is okay. (Note to self: Find out where Heather Long plans to party on St.

Letters To D. Editor


Love the site. So, are you guys going to do something about the giveaway of Riverfront park and those hideous Capital Blue Cross signs?C.D.We were going to take on this story -- that is, until we were approached by Capital Blue Cross with $50,000 in hush money. That made us realize all of the tremendous things that this fabulous non-profit is doing in our community each and every day.I'm worried

Ag Secretary Tragically Euthanized At Farm Show


(HARRISBURG) - Pennsylvania Agriculture Secretary Dennis Wolff had to be put down this evening after breaking his leg at the state Farm Show.According to a statement released by the Department of Agriculture, Wolff was walking toward the Sheep to Shawl Contest from a demonstration by Howard Helmer, the world's fastest omelet maker, when he tripped on a pile of animal excrement and fell."What

Reed Deputizes Bobblehead Version Of Self


(HARRISBURG) - Mayor Stephen Reed today presided over a ceremony at which he officially created the position of deputy mayor, then appointed a bobblehead doll of himself to the new post.Reed said the proportionately thinner and whiter-toothed version of himself would help to relieve part of his heavy workload, and would immediately begin serving as his official liason with City Council. He also

Popular "Chia Pot" Recalled From Store Shelves


(UNDATED) - With just days left in the holiday shopping season, retailers across central Pennsylvania have pulled the marijuana-on-ceramic Chia Pot due to a voluntary recall by the manufacturer.California-based Joseph Enterprises Inc. says the recall came after several consumers complained that the product attracted their loser friends who would bring over all of their bootlegged Phish CDs and

Santa Claus Arrested For DUI At Midstate Airport


(MIDDLETOWN) - Santa Claus was arrested for DUI Saturday night while practicing various maneuvers in the skies over south central Pennsylvania.State Police said they received numerous complaints from residents about Claus flying "erratically" and dangerously close to several homes in the Middletown area.Joanne Delancey, who lives in Highspire, reported hearing such a clatter that she sprang from

Knoll's Body Embarks On Final Farewell Tour Of PA


(HARRISBURG) - The interment of the late and very popular Catherine Baker Knoll has been delayed so that her body can make one last round of appearances across Pennsylvania.The late lieutenant governor's body was the grand marshall in last weekend's Holiday Parade in downtown Harrisburg, then lied in repose for several days at the state Capitol building. Today, in a rare trip across state lines,

Letters To D. Editor


It's been a while since your last post. Are you still there? What happened?E.W.What gives? Did you go the way of the beehive lady, D. Editor?C.K.It's good to be back. As is my practice every four years, I went into hibernation about a month before the presidential election. I achieve this by hauling out a contraption made of a clock radio and an old I.V. machine loaded with a big ol' bag of Jack

Financial Experts: 'Okay, Go Ahead And Panic'


(UNDATED) - Financial advisers across central Pennsylvania are reaching consensus that the nation's financial turmoil has reached levels that cannot be dealt with through rational actions and that Americans should begin to panic.Unemployment is spiking, the stock market is plummeting and many banks have stopped giving lollipops to children in a last-ditch effort to pay their CEOs' salaries."

Campaign Urges Strangers To 'Fondle My Funbags'


(NEW CUMBERLAND) - A non-profit group today launched a breast cancer awareness effort designed to rival the "Feel Your Boobies" campaign.Participants in "Fondle My Funbags" wear t-shirts emblazoned with the title slogan, encouraging other people to give them spontaneous breast exams."This all started when I was at the Eclipse nightclub in Harrisburg a couple weeks back," said founder Suzie

Reason For Blue Cross CEO's Departure: Torrid Affair With Blue Man


(HARRISBURG) - A top official at Capital Blue Cross confirms board members asked president and CEO Anita Smith to step down after she had a "rapturous, escalating and increasingly obvious sexual relationship" with the Blue Man.Board chairman William Lehr Jr. said "there was obviously something going on there," adding that a recent commercial shoot involving the duo turned several heads."Several

Stuffed Likeness Of McCain Visits Lancaster


(LANCASTER) - Republican presidential candidate John McCain did not appear in the midstate this past Tuesday with his running mate, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin. Instead, Palin campaigned on the campus of Franklin & Marshall College with a taxidermied likeness of McCain, sources said."There was a last-minute change in plans that forced Sen. McCain to alter his itinerary and cancel his trip to

Bristol Palin To Serve As PLCB Spokes-teen


(HARRISBURG) - Bristol Palin, the 17-year-old daughter of GOP vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin, has been hired to push alcohol to young people, Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board, Chairman Patrick "P.J." Stapleton announced today.The pregnant teen (at left in photo) was chosen due to what Stapleton called her "proven and impressive track record as a booze hound."Stapleton said he hoped a

The Gazelle Not Above Shameless Promotion, D. Editor Says


What's black and white and probably won't get you laid? The new Central PA Gazelle bumper sticker! Yes, this is your chance to slap the name of the website that makes fun of everything Central Pennsylvania onto your bumper, your ass, or any other wide, flat surface.Despite the fact that they're cheaply made by Amish sweat shop labor in Rheems, Lancaster County, the stickers are amazingly water