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Preview: From the Corner of Grace and Wayne

From the Corner of Grace and Wayne



Insights and observations on baseball, books, and politics. Well, not insights exactly...more like shallow observations



Updated: 2012-04-15T21:42:39.898-05:00

 



It's a conspiracy!

2006-06-26T23:46:10.133-05:00

The Wife and I headed over to the Gay Pride parade this last weekend and it was pretty awesome. We were only able to stay for half of it as we had to work, but we were there long enough to see lots of boys and very few shirts. Let's just say The Wife had a field day.

And, actually, it all seemed pretty innocent. That is, until I woke up the next day and a series of suspicious events began to unfold.

I take a shower, seeing as how today is a Monday and all, and my very manly Edge shaving gel has run out. I'm faced with two questionable choices: go fuzzy-faced or use The Wife's girly gel. Well, I grow pretty terrible facial hair, so it was definitely time to shave. Really, the choice was not a choice at all and so I lathered up with some pink stuff.

Ah, nice and smooth again. Let the morning ritual continue.

I stepped out of the shower, toweled off, and went to deoderize my self when...Great Scott! My deoderant had run out. My manly Degree Ultra Testoterone-laced deoderant that is so key to my trademark scent. What to do!? My eyes dart over to The Wife's Secret.

No.

But it's strong enough for a man...

But it's made for a woman...

This is when it stuck me. This was too much of a coincidence. For someone as butch as I to have to comtemplate using girl products...this just doesn't happen. And now that I think about it, there was that one flag guy in the Lakeview Gay Marching Band who seemed to give me an extra long glance. Almost...sizing me up. I'd heard that the gays want to convert all the hetros, but I never really believed it. I mean, we all have heard of the homosexual adgenda, but I thought it was a myth. Now...I wonder. Was there a homosexual invasion of my fortress of hetrocity last night? Have I been violated with Raspberry scented gels and Shower Fresh deoderant?

I may never fully know the truth, but there is one thing I know for sure.

I smell fabulous!



Headlines, June 25th

2006-06-25T07:51:35.450-05:00

Man wins $400K for 10-year implant malfunction

He was, um, "at attention" for over ten years and this turned out to be a rather embarassing situation.

In other words, he got to relive age 12 for the past 10 years, albeit without the risk of being called to the chalkboard to solve math problems.

Sort of Groundhog Day in Hell.

Go someplace different this July Fourth

Well, I'm heading to England. I want to see how the losers celebrate.

USA!

USA!

USA!

Smooth move: Raiders' Moss opens his juice bar

Am I the only one who's shocked to not see Bonds's name attached to this headline?

(although I suppose Palmerio's name could have just as easily been attached to the first headline)

Salmonella chocolate still on shelves

I'm not one to judge, but they should really consider a different name...



Name #83 my future son will never have:

2006-06-24T07:16:11.590-05:00

Vincent

A Vincent will never throw a baseball with anywhere near the same flourish that he does a 20-sided die. Why? Well, mostly because you should never throw a baseball with a flourish. It just isn't done. Also because Vincent is about 99.978% poet. The rest? Filler.

No baseball.

Vincent has the most magnificently long girl hair. Honestly, it's transcendent. It hangs down his back, well past his bra-strap, and there's not a split end to be found. And, at the very end, the hair is bound with...a scrunchie. Now, mind you, this isn't a ponytail proper. Ponytails can actually be okay. Hell, there are plenty of Hell's Angels sporting very respectable ponytails (although they rather than using a scrunchie to maintain their ponytail, they simply use the flesh of the innocent). No, the hair still has that lustrous, flowing look; it is just kept a bit more manageable with this...scrunchie.

Vincent is just so sensitive, barely ever speaking above a whisper whilst nibbling on his carrot sticks. His pale, delicate features bear an expression that could only be described as "wistful." Why the wistful look? Most likely because he still holds onto hopes that he will be visited by Dumbledore and whisked off to Hogwarts like in the paperback edition of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix that he carries along with him. Vincent? You're pushing 30. If an owl was going to bring you a letter with the Hogwarts seal stamped on it, it would likely have come back when you were getting beat up and really could have used it.

No, Vincent will never be my son. There's a reason that the sensitive, misunderstood lion-thing in Beauty and the Beast was named 'Vincent'. That was the only way that we would know that behind that hideous visage lay (lie? lied?) the heart of a poet. If my son is going to fulfill my dreams, he has to be a lot more Mickey Mantle, and a lot less lion-living-in-a-sewer.

So, Vincent, enjoy your renaissance festival and wear your tights proudly. Just know that you will never share a name with my son.

Apologies to any Vincents reading this (now go cut your damn hair)



Headlines, June 23rd

2006-06-23T05:19:34.050-05:00

Okay, I'm still working on a way to use this site for quasi-humorous purposes without taxing my time to too great an extent. My initial idea is to play around with headlines to see if this sparks some creativity. Given that all of 12 people, probably 11 of whom are stopping by completely randomly, are reading this, the pressure to be funny is pretty low. So bear with me as I try to regain a warped perspective on things.

Donor to the 2004 Edwards campaign has been fined.

Okay, I get that the Democratic party isn't at it's best right now. We've (and I use "we" fairly loosely as I have contributed exactly nothing to the political arena, going so far as to quickly shoo away the nice young lady who buzzed my apartment begging for a contribution to the DNC. It's so sad to see them beg, but also a little funny. Alright, mostly funny) been beaten down a bit, true, but I hardly think it's fair to start fining people for contributing to the party. Isn't it bad enough that they already threw their money away without having to pay another fine?

Canada raises age of consent from 14 to 16


14? Really? How very Elizabethan of them. I realize that they genuflect to the Queen Mum up north but I guess I was just confused as to which one they followed.

Soldiers' brutal deaths confirmed to families

Geez, we appreciate the effort, but do they have to use the word "brutal." Here's a bit of advice: when you have to deliver bad news, soften it up a bit.

Rising gas prices fire up bloggers

The bloggers are fired up? I'm not laughing. Really, I'm not.

Why does the term "tilting at windmills" come to mind?

Nude resorts take off gloves in fight for customers


They were wearing gloves?

To this I say: worst. nude beach. ever.



To my three remaining readers

2006-05-17T01:09:20.586-05:00

(one of whom is me)

Maybe you've noticed this, but it's been awhile since I posted. It you haven't noticed, then either you take a very long view of time (and don't consider my posting pause to have been a long one) or you just aren't very obesrvant. Since you have been so kind to keep reading despite the recent one-sided nature of this site, I'm going to assume the former.

What have I been doing all this time? Well, don't worry reader(s), it hasn't been anything productive. I wouldn't betray you by working or spending time with my loved ones. Nope, I've been writing on the internet like I always do. I'm still a loser, I've just relocated a bit.

Much of my time have been spent at Goat Riders of the Apocalypse. I have been writing a Series Preview each week, which takes up a fair amount of time, plus whatever else I post over there. Seriously, if you used to like reading this site for baseball (which is odd because I don't even like to read what I have to say about the Cubs), check out Goat Riders if you don't already. It is updated several times a day and there is lots of really good and funny stuff. Plus, one of the guys over there actually knows how to photoshop. That's always fun.

The rest of my time is spent with my wife's and my running site. There we write about all our daily stuff including, of course, running. Again, same writing as I used to do here and it isn't all about running. Lots of good stuff. So, it's not like I gave up on the Cubs (I mean, I have, but that is unrelated to the site) or life, I just am writing on a couple better sites.

I don't want to let this site go, though. Not really. I just need to figure out what to write on here that I would rather not write on one of the other sites. Maybe stuff about the news? There has to be something interesting to write about that doesn't take an hour out of my time.

I think I'll start writing here again at some point. If nothing else, just because I like the name of the site.

So, reader, thanks for checking back in occasionally to see if I've gotten off my ass and thrown something down on paper. Check back again and maybe I'll have something new and interesting. Probably not, but you never know.



Sweep!

2006-04-10T15:22:57.750-05:00

I've kind of got some MacGuyver hair going on here. So, the way I see it, I have one of two options available to me. I could:

1) build a time machine, go back to 1989, and be declared TV's sexiest man or
2) get a hair cut.

I'm sort of torn. I don't really like getting my hair cut, but I definitely was not a big fan of 1989 (not my finest year). Maybe I'll go with Mystery Option #3 and guest star in an episode of Stargate SG1.

Anyway, as the title of the post suggests, the Cubs swept the lowly Cardinals (I have to say that while I can). Lots of great stuff on the sweep over at Goat Riders, including some from the ballpark recaps. I'll be at the game on Wednesday, which will be my first look at the new Wrigley.

Go Cubs.



Respect the Barrett!

2006-04-08T08:21:13.023-05:00

No offense to Death's post on benching Barrett over at Goat Riders, but he makes a statement that is impossible to defend. Not to worry, he's not the first person to say this and he's in some good company (Andy from Desipio comes to mind). He quotes (indirectly) the Catcher's ERA stat that says that pitchers had an ERA of 3.5 when throwing the Blanco and 4.5 when throwing to Barrett. The implication, of course, is that Barrett has been so bad on defense that he is causing pitchers to give up an extra run a game.

Over the course of the season, that amounts to 162 runs. This is saying that Blanco is 162 defensive runs better than Barrett. Barrett has single-handedly cost the Cubs 162 runs. If we take a nice, even number and say that there are about 9 runs in a win (I'm being very conservative here since I'm not sure how WARP and such stats derive expected wins from runs) then that mean Blanco is 18 wins better than Barrett on defense. 18 wins. That means that the Cubs would have won 96 games last year with Blanco catching. Most MVP candidates contribute 8-10 wins to their team's success. Sooooo...Blanco for the HOF?

The point of this is to point out how ridiculous a stat Catcher's ERA is. It is possibly the most misleading stat in the game. Is Barrett a bad defensive catcher? Yeah, pretty much. He certainly isn't good. But all those runs he contributes on offense count and have to be weighed against the defensive runs he gives up. And let me tell you, folks, he doesn't give up enough defensive runs to make up for Blanco's enimic bat, especially if you figure that Blanco's unlikely to repeat last year's offensive performance. It's just not possible for one player to have that great a defensive impact.

And another thing, if Barrett calls such a bad game, don't blame him. The blame lies squarely on the shoulders of Larry Rothschild and Dusty Baker. Many, many teams call pitches from the dugout and there is no reason the Cubs can't do this. In everyone in the stadium knows that Barrett should call a waste pitch, then the folks in the dugout damn well should too and it is up to them to make sure it happens.

People should just be happy with what we have. An above average catcher heading sitting firmly in his prime.



Aaaaaaaaannnnnnnndddddd...

2006-04-07T15:40:52.716-05:00

CUBS WIN!!!!

CUBS WIN!!!!

CUBS WIN!!!!




Aaaaaaaaannnnnnnndddddd...

2006-04-07T15:40:46.013-05:00

CUBS WIN!!!!

CUBS WIN!!!!

CUBS WIN!!!!




Cubs' Home Opener!!

2006-04-07T08:23:07.476-05:00

Baseball season's underway
Well you better get ready for a brand new day.

Hey, Chicago, what do you say
The Cubs are gonna win today.

They're singing ...
Go, Cubs, go
Go, Cubs, go
Hey, Chicago, what do you say
The Cubs are gonna win today.

Go, Cubs, go
Go, Cubs, go
Hey, Chicago, what do you say
The Cubs are gonna win today.

They got the power, they got the speed
To be the best in the National League
Well this is the year and Cubs are real
So come on down to Wrigley Field

We're singing now ...
Go, Cubs, go
Go, Cubs, go
Hey, Chicago, what do you say
The Cubs are gonna win today.

Go, Cubs, go
Go, Cubs, go
Hey, Chicago, what do you say
The Cubs are gonna win today.

Baseball time is here again
You can catch it all on WGN
So stamp you feet and clap your hands
Chicago Cubs got the greatest fans.

You're singing now ...
Go, Cubs, go
Go, Cubs, go
Hey, Chicago, what do you say
The Cubs are gonna win today.

Go, Cubs, go
Go, Cubs, go
Hey, Chicago, what do you say
The Cubs are gonna win today.



Let the trials begin!

2006-04-06T20:26:56.980-05:00

I'm pretty excited about the coming steroid witch hunt.

One request? That we conduct the investigations in a manner that would make Arthur Miller proud.

"The spirit of Goody McGwire stuck a syringe in my ass! The spirit of Goody McGwire stuck a syringe in my ass!"



.500

2006-04-06T08:01:09.620-05:00

I get the feeling we'll be seeing that number a lot.

Why does one loss seem so bad? I mean, if we were 2-0 I'd be elated, but 1-1 makes it seem like the Cubs are screwed. I do realize it's a 162 game schedule, right? I'm such an idiot.

It's just that 1-1 can turn to 1-2 with a loss to the Cardinals, a not-unlikely event. And then if they lose again, they would be 1-3 and you start to feel like the Cubs will never see .500 again.

Seriously, there is something wrong with me.



Is it wrong that this makes me happy?

2006-04-05T11:15:53.756-05:00

Roger Clemens, after making an appearance at a Ranger's game, answered questions after the game.

blah blah blah...kids want me to play...yadda yadda...want me out of the house...afraid I'm going to throw half a broken bat at them...

ha ha, just kidding. That wasn't libel, just good fun.

Anyway, there's nothing libelous enough that I could make up to compare with his self-indicting remarks. This quote gives me a warm feeling in my heart:

He felt fine after the World Baseball Classic and left the tournament impressed by the quality of the international teams -- and the devotion of the Japanese and South Korean fans.

Remembering back to a Japan-South Korea game in Anaheim, Calif., Clemens said he took clothes to a dry cleaners and was told he wouldn't get them back for nearly a week.

"They said, 'You've got no chance,' they told me," Clemens said. "I said, 'I'm going to get it tomorrow, right?' And then she goes, `No chance, we're going to the game.' So we couldn't get dry cleaning done out there, but I guess the neatest thing about them was there were about 50,000 of them at Anaheim Stadium, Korea and Japan.


I didn't catch the rest of the interview, but I'm guessing it went something like this:

*stunned silence*

Clemens: *looks around*

"What?"

Just to pile on, how about we check in with his wife's product line.



Cubs Notes

2006-04-05T08:42:13.313-05:00

The Wife and I were walking past Wrigley yesterday on the way to work and...hey! The fence was gone. Yes, folks, the new and improved [sic] Wrigley Field has been unveiled and looks great. The construction crew did a really fantastic job and, well, I'm just impressed.

And then we kept walking down Waveland and we were noting the really, really nice ironwork at the entrance to the bleachers when...WHAT THE HELL. That's what was shouted in my ear by my dear wife. Apparently, the Bud Light Bleachers are really the Bud Light Bleachers. I didn't realize that there was going to be an actual sign above the entrance labeling the bleachers as the Bud Light Bleachers, ruining an otherwise beautiful building. I had actually heard that there wouldn't be any signs. Apparently I heard wrong. Tacky, tacky, tacky.

Boo, I say, Booooooooo!!!!!!!!!

Now for some Bullet points:
  • If the opposition feels safe in walking Derrek Lee 3 times, then they are seriously misjudging Ramirez. The man is going to be racking up some serious RBIs this year if this trend (one game makes a trend, right?) continues.
  • Murton's defense might be somewhat suspect, but he's no Jason DuBois. There is no amount of hitting that would have made up for DuBois's glove. I think the Reds might be learning the same lesson with Adam Dunn this year.
  • I'm dead terrified to have Rusch throwing for the Cubs today, but maybe he'll be okay. I don't know...I just have a bad feeling. I just don't want a repeat of last year where we have the great first game and then have everything go to hell. Actually, I don't want a repeat of any part of last year. You know what, let's just not speak of last year...ever again.
  • Bullet points and ellipsis...now that's lazy writing.
  • There's an incredibly stupid article on cubs.com. The Cubs embrace the small ball era. What a load of crap. You know what? I think the Cubs have embraced the dead-ball era. I know, when the gloves were really small and people made more errors. Because, you know what, if the Reds didn't field like a t-ball team, we would be talking about Murton's homer, not the 35 bloops and bleeders that turning into a dozen runs. Against a Major League team, we score about 7 runs on Monday. Small ball...god.
Alright, kids, 11:35 game time. Go Cubs!



All freaked out

2006-04-03T14:19:09.443-05:00

Okay, so, I'm running Linux on my laptop. I would sort of prefer to be running windows, but that isn't really an option right now. The problem is with Game Day Audio. I need gameday audio or I am going to miss opening day!!

So, when I click on gameday audio, it just opens up a flashplayer window trying to run windows media player. The problem is, I don't have windows media player. I have realplayer. I've tried to get mplayer, but it keeps asking for all these libraries, which I am trying to install, but they don't seem to be installing.

Realplayer should work with gameday audio, or so they say. But I can't get to any window that gives me the option of selecting Realplayer.

If anyone out there reading this message knows more than me about linux, either comment or send an e-mail. It would be greatly appreciated.

Update: I know you all were flying about the internet-o-sphere trying to solve my problem, so I wanted to relieve your angst. I solved the problem by buying the crappiest radio ever for 6 bucks. It was very appropriately priced.



Welcome to Opening Day

2006-04-03T07:30:23.676-05:00

Cubs and Reds, 1:10 PM CT.

The Cubs are sending Big Z to the mound to take on Adam Harang. The lineups:

Pierre CF
Walker 2B
Lee 1B
Ramirez 3B
Jones RF
Barrett C
Murton LF
Cedeno SS
Zambrano P

Womack 2B
Lopez SS
Griffey CF
Dunn LF
Encarnacion 3B
Hatteberg 1B
Kearns RF
Valentin C
Harang P

Just taking this at face value, there is no reason that the Cubs should lose this game. The Reds, however, have been a major pain in the ass these last couple of years. Adam Harang, specifically, has thrown a couple of good games against the Cubs.

Let me just say, this is pretty close to optimal lineup construction of Baker's part. One could switch Walker and Murton, although I'm not sure that would be a good bet and one definitely could switch Barrett and Jones (or Murton and Jones), but whatev. This lineup is just as likely to generate runs as any others that I can come up with. A far cry from some of the logic-defying batting orders Dusty came up with last year.

Let's go, Cubs, make this the year!

(Along those lines, I've published the 2006 Official Guide to Hope over at Goat Riders.
If you are having trouble coming up with reasons to believe this year, go take a look. If nothing else, there's some pretty nifty photoshoping over there.)



Say it ain't so, Vin

2006-03-30T21:30:17.286-06:00

Do you remember the quote from the X-Files episode, Jose Chung is from Outer Space?
I didn't spend all those years playing Dungeons and Dragons and not learn a little something about courage.
Turns out, it's true. Vin Diesel is deeply devoted to Dungeon and Dragons and nobody's tougher than Vin Diesel. He could rip your throat right out.

From an interview with Conan O'Brien:
Vin: I created a character... No one knows this, but in Triple-X, one of the tattoos, right above my belly-button, or below my belly button, I don't know why I'm saying this *hoots from audience*, was the name Melkor. And that came from a character that I had, uh..
Conan: That you created in Dungeons and Dragons?
Vin: that I created. That was a Drow witch-hunter. Double-specialized witch-hunter. but this is all
Conan: There are so many nerds watching right now who are just thrilled. Cause you're making them cool, suddenly. All these guys are watching going "Go, Vin Diesel, Go! Go!" All hail, Melkor, you know?
So, we all think, D &D must be pretty cool. Then I realize how I found out that Diesel plays D&D. From the trust IMDB message boards, this time for Dungeons and Dragons, the Movie.

(in response to taunting)
Bahahaha, thats soo funny, but no seriously you moron, don't come here and make fun of something that is far beyond your pathetic scope of intelligence so you can make your pitiful existence all the more interesting. Besides you do realize that Vin Diseal a highly paid famous celebrity played dnd? I'm sure you chop off your tiny left nut to live a day like Vin lives (considering you come online to make fun of gammers in your spare time, thats sad) so step off and go pester small children, they may yet be less brilliant then you.
Yeeeeaaah...I think Vin Diesel might just be the exception to the rule.

(Just to be clear, I don't play D&D. I'm clearly far too cool for that. I'm thinking a blogging, Star Trek watching physicist is still well-steeped in coolness. Either that, or I'm just the Vin Diesel of the physics community)



More fun with IMDB Message Boards

2006-03-29T15:48:44.773-06:00

Star Trek, the original series, Message Board

Subject: You Know what sucks about the present?

You remember "Space Seed", where they mentioned the Eugenics Wars that supposedly happened in the 1990s? They also mentioned that Khan and his followers were put on one of their best starships, the U.S.S. Botany Bay. Well, the 90s have been over for a while, and I haven't seen any advanced starships with phaser weapons, artificial gravity, or ultra-powerful computer systems that operate on verbal commands, nor have I seen any genetically engineered superhumans. It's 2006 and we haven't come anywhere close to attaining warp drive? Know why? Because dumbass Republicans are spending the government's money on nuking the s**t out of every country that disagrees with our policies. We were going to advance our space program, and then a certain dips**t named Nixon decided to draft all working-class young men in their late teens and early twenties to serve in a war they didn't want to fight. Now most of those vets got their arms/legs blown off, plus they're homeless because the government left them to starve to death in the streets. You Republicans think the vets are ungrateful because they weren't proud to serve their country, but this war didn't need to be fought. It was unnecessary. I think we need better legislation in our government. What about you guys?


Star Trek vs. Star Wars

Query: Which serries if they ever met would win in a war?
star treks ray guns and crap like that vs the blaster cannons

Reply:
Let's see...

Star Trek happens several centuries in the future from now in our galaxy.
Star Wars happens a long time ago in a galaxy far far away.

In the Voyager series the Voyager gets lost in the delta quadrant, which is a part of our own galaxy and even with warpdrive they have to travel for almost a century to get back unless some handy wormhole happens to be on their way.
Now imagine what it takes to get from here to several galaxies away....
It would take centuries to get there!
It will take twice as long (getting there AND back plus extensive time travel) to get to know the results of a possible fight.

Yeah, what a dipshit.

...but if they found a wormhole, like in that one episode where they are playing cards and get stuck in a time warp and encounter the enterprise from the past, it could happen! And then there's that one where they encounter Shooter McGavin as a starship captain from the past, I think he got sucked into a wormhole. It could happen!

I mean, um...nevermind.





Or, as I like to call it, a Saturday night

2006-03-29T13:20:11.120-06:00

College student lives in Wal-Mart for 41 hours

When I first read this, I saw the caption for the picture - "Skyler Bartels spent almost two days wandering the aisles of a Des Moines, Iowa Wal-Mart." - and assumed he just had nothing better to do. After all, he was in Des Moines. Until you get into the drug scene, at 1 am it's pretty much cruising Wal-Mart or drinking coffee at the IHOP.

As it turns out, he's just an "aspiring writer" at Drake who thought it would be a nifty stunt to write about. I'm an aspiring writer, too, but the only test of endurance I'm willing to take on is the Rachel Ray 30 Minute Meals marathon on the Food Network (other than the actual marathon, of course).

My hat is off to you, sir. In other news...

World prepares for total solar eclipse

I'm still waiting for a total eclipse of the heart.

Naked sculpture of 'idealized' Britney going on view

Hmm...I wonder what the words "Naked Britney Spears" will do to my hit demographics? ...if only this was 4 years ago. From the article:
A life-size sculpture of a naked Britney Spears kneeling on a bearskin rug as she gives birth will be on display next month at Brooklyn's Capla Kesting Fine Art gallery.
Now that's just excellent. Or rather, it would be, if it were being used in the proper context. Naked Britney Spears giving birth on a rug belongs in someone's living room, maybe over by the mantel or in the corner of the room, accented by a nice fern or rubber plant. This sculpture, however, is being used in a pro-life exhibit.

Edwards, whose sculpture of Ted Williams' decapitated head -- which was frozen in the hope that medical science could one day revive the baseball great -- stirred up an artistic storm, said the sculpture of Spears was a "new take on pro-life."

"Pro-lifers normally promote bloody images of abortion. This is the image of birth," he said.

Well, not to quibble, but birth is often a fairly bloody mess as well. Not to mention all the other repulsive things that come along with the "miracle" of birth. Don't get me started on that...placenta. Guh.



There are no words

2006-03-28T17:54:39.213-06:00

IMDB Full House Message Board.

Post Title: problem with dj in season 2

who else besides me thinks that DJ was a total bitch in season 2 with stephanie first in kimmy's surprise birthday party episode where she says that stephanie or anyone else can't be at the party well that's not fair cause it's stephanie's house too and she has a right to be anywhere she wants in the house same problem with dj's 13th birthday party than in the valentine's day episode she really tore her head off when steph was wearing dj's new sweater calling her a nerd bomber or something like that she was pretty harsh on her she was one bad sister than she was just a little kid get a grip.Older sisters are such a pain in the ass and i speak from experience i have two sisters myself who were kind of similar with me growing up.

Please do not ask how I can across this. But please do read the 11 point response to this question.



This is why you don't screw with Mother Nature

2006-03-27T10:09:13.586-06:00

It all started innocently enough. Nobody knew how many species inhabited the earth. A dozen? A hundred? More than that?!? Evidence of this scientific controversy is found in a CNN.com article:"Some people who study insects think there may be as many as 100 million species out there," said Jeff McNeely, the chief scientist at the World Conservation Union."But if you took a poll of biologists, I think most would say there are somewhere around 15 million," he told Reuters by telephone from the organization's Swiss headquarters.They go on to further explain why this might be a problem for the international community of animal people (the so-called "biologists"):"The implication of not knowing exactly how many species there are is that we can't tell if we are actually making progress on the 2010 target," said McNeely.I understand the problem. The Biologists want to make sure they don't run out of animals before 2010, causing great embarrassment through the scientific community (and here I'm just referring to the biologists again, don't come crying to the physicists). I can certainly understand this concern, I just don't know if I approve of their methods.Sure, it was all nice and well in the early stages. You get a horse and a donkey to hump and you get a mule - everyone's happy. Hell, nobody even noticed when they started mixing up the insects because, frankly, they all look the same. And yes, the species count went up. "Progress" was being made. But then the biologists went to far and we've begun to find that nature bites back when you take her for granted...and she has very pointy teeth. Very pointy, indeed.A couple scientists, locked in a military bunker, exchange high fives. They've done it! They've created the most unlikely of matches.It wasn't easy. Coaxing a spider and a goat into that most passionate of embraces take skill that few appreciate. It's match making at its highest level. But the job was done and the military was quite pleased. It was the ultimate killing machine: the proportional strength of a spider combined with the voracious appetite of a goat. And fangs. Really, really big, nasty fangs. And a little beard.Goats have beards.But as it always seems to, nature finds a way to serve its own purpose, and all the razor wire in the world isn't going to change that. The goat-spider was gone, and the full folly of man's arrogance was about to come to head.The results...were devastating.A legion of the country's finest scientists were called together in a secret think-tanks to advise the government in the best course of action. Naturally, I was there, being a formost expert on all things goat-related. It didn't take long to realize that there was only one person who could handle a destructive force of this magnitude.Sigorney Weaver!I veto'd this choice, however. I still haven't forgiven her for Aliens 3 and 4. I mean, Newt survives for months alone in a nest of aliens and then dies in a plane crash?!? GAH! SO. RAGE. FILLED.(breath...breath...)Well, they all said, if I did like the solution they came up with, then perhaps I had a suggestion of my own? Well, of course I did. When you are faced with a blood-sucking goat, what better to best it than a goat-sucking monster? Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...The Chupacabra!Laugher filled the room. You fool, they said, there's no such thing are the chupacabra. That's just a myth made up to explain all of the mysteriously sucked goats.My face turned a deep red. I had to think fast or risk losing my c[...]



MySpace used to catch bad people

2006-03-25T18:54:20.730-06:00

Using pictures and profiles posted on MySpace, six rapists/robbers were tracked down and arrested.

You see, this is why I question the logic behind iamarapist.blogspot.com.

At some point, it's going to catch up with you.



Preacher Shot in the Back by Wife

2006-03-24T15:29:14.340-06:00

A Tennessee Minister, Matthew Winkler, was found shot in the back, apparently shot by his wife. She has confessed to the murder. From the article:

"Words cannot describe how we all feel about this," said church member Pam Killingsworth, assistant principal at the elementary school where the two older children went to school.

She described Mary Winkler as always seeming like "the perfect mother, the perfect wife," with very loving children.

As a currently living husband, I'm going to have to disagree with the "perfect wife" sentiment. Love means never having to say "sorry I committed first degree murder and took the kids."




Cub News

2006-03-24T09:59:31.936-06:00

For the few who read this site but not Goat Riders (I'm guessing there are about 3 of you), I've written over there about Mr. Mark Prior, the catching situation, and good ol' Dusty.

Just a heads up. Now go read my post below.



Miller

2006-03-24T09:56:27.833-06:00

I was using a urinal at a bar last night and something caught my eye.Wait, that sounds bad. Let me start over...I was using the urinal at a bar last night while observing proper urinal etiquette and looking straight ahead and I noticed a sign that was also directly in front of me in my cone of urinal vision. Apparently Bernie's, the bar The Wife and I generally frequent, was having some sort of "design your own T-Shirt" contest with the theme being Miller Lite. I've got some ideas that I think could be winning ones, but I wanted to test them out and see how they look in print. So, bear (bare?) with me during this little exercise.Miller Lite T-Shirt Design ContestConcept #1:Miller Lite,it only looks likepeeConcept #2:Miller Lite,it's like Bud Light,only Miller-erConcept #3Miller Lite,Mmmm...now that's a fine"Pilsner"Concept #4Miller Lite,It's like American culturein a beerFor this last one, I'm picturing an airbrushed background of an Eagle with an American Flag in its mouth clutching a bottle of Miller Lite. And maybe it could be pooing on Osama or something. The hard part of this is settling on which of these is the most likely winner. I guess my opinion on this would be, with Miller Lite we're all winners.In other news, we've been getting up earlier recently (I'm not using the "royal we" here, but I also don't mean "me and you" unless you also got up early and then I am talking about you). We were out the door today by 5:00 as The Wife is starting her training to run the detector here at work. For the next 4 months, she (and then later I) will be working these shifts for 7 days straight every three weeks (one week on, two weeks off). They vary from 8am-4pm shift, 4pm-midnight, and midnight-8am. Basically, they represent a big sucking vortex of boredom but are pretty necessary as, without grad student labor, the detector would grind to a halt.In other news, if you missed this photoshop by Death over at Goat Riders, then you missed out. Don't bother to click on the link (reverse psychology) as it is too late.funny.funny.funny.[...]