2006-11-19T13:36:13.603-08:00Feeling Mischievous Hearing Brahms Advice from the wiser, HAH!
2006-09-10T17:06:58.986-07:00Living in Sin Joel and I have been living together for almost 5 months now. He's not the first guy I've lived with, but he's by far the best. We had 3 really rough months, but since Xmas break...things have been a lot better.
2006-04-02T03:49:40.246-07:00LostThe tears run... With new... I feared this moment there. That where I will release all this pain accumulated since too a long time... I etais myself founded a so rigorous rate/rhythm, so intensive that I did not have any more time to take stock, not time to suffer, cry, to be wounded...I do not know veritablement any more who I am and at the bottom the regard which I have of me is quite low.I say being true whereas I do not even know who I am... In the final analysis, I do not think of being differente the different ones, if it is not worse... however it is not wished, it is not desired.I have some to be me enough, to be liked for a physique a little close suitable and not for what I am me... to be liked without being it really, right because y has anything better for the moment and even Raphael, the only one which liked me, me insupporte I believe.Its love, its words, its promises, any it... it hurts me... Because in the bottom I do not believe in it. How to admit the possibility that somebody can like you when you ête even not able of you even like?And it very makes lament of small amateur shemale... I can say even more that I lassume... I lassume more...Right need to be reconfortée... but would arrive little there I believe...And then, I will prefererai that one rather tells me the things opposite quit so that Ca makes me very badly, than an arrogant silence and coward.All this mixture in my head, I do not manage to forget, even while haissant.I know more what are my feelings, so much they are numerous, so much they are melangés, so much all is scrambled and contradicts themselves.I am very surrounded, I am appreciée in general rule also and I does not include/understand why this faintness always persists in me... No matter what I make there.... And then it is pitiful, to cry than living rather... And I insupporte. I tests of me booster rocket, it works it nevertheless is true, because I grown, because I takes on me, but when these blows of blues as now return, they are too much painful for the weak person that I am...I do not want to make in the poesy, I do not even want of poster, I want of nothing and jle make nevertheless...Yesterday 4 exits were proposed to me whereas my holidays debutaient only since midday and I accepted only one of them.... And I believe that these holidays I will contain myself again on me, inevitably....It is like being in a tiny dark part with full with doors, bringing back towards thousands of way. And then to be unable to find its road... I ever had the direction of the orientation you know... And the fear is too large if I had suddenly misled me, I do not want to open a door who deboucherait on vacuum and to still fall.... I have the ecorchés knees. Then I even remain recroquevillée on me and does not answer any more when one sounds with my doors...One gives the mask of nice girl mysterieuse a little too mature, enough smiling, a little too serieuse, adorable and appreciée... without knowing who one is... Apparences. I believe that it is necessary that I put my pride on side to go to see a psychiatrist... There are far too many nonknown as, in my family, far too many wounds, of mysteries which I does not even include/understand me... and any Ca... My dramas, my blockings, my "extrusions"... I need to know... I thought of advancing quickly and well but there are still too many obstacles which prevent me there.I horripile... Quelques others also undoubtedly think it....And then considering one plays the chart of the sincerity, at the bottom even if me am lied, I will prefererai that one says to me "but not, you are a girl well, a tender, sincere and adorable girl...." I speak about people who know me veritablement... Those which are always close to me and even those which are foutus of me, my friends, my former friends and all the others... Bien sure, the judgement which of me people do that I do not know to me indiffère a little... But evidemment, nobody reassures me except can be Raphae[...]
2006-04-02T03:47:38.156-07:00Private joke: Julien I miss you, I hope that you are still in life, if you knew like I worry, as I want to be some not to have said to you goodbye, not to have been able to love you as you you liked me bottom of the heart without I it merite... and at which point I needing you... my Me as a man, in more courageous, I also admire you so many paraitre smiling in spite of this disease and any Ca..... Return I you empris.... why my malls are not sent, why my acknowledgements of delivery echouent... You are with the etranger but.... I have a bad presentiment, do not have you the right to leave me... not like him.... It too is....
2006-04-02T03:47:08.153-07:00Lucy i'm flat-out sitting here and staring out the window. the charles is sooo beautiful and the sail boats might as well be toys in a bathtub. finding myself unmotivated and bored by mid-day, i decided to trek out to sloan and sit in on my UROP professor's research presentation. amy and i were the only ones who cracked up when he said "whiteys" (yes, referring to the caucasian samples in his research). he also said he did these presentations as a means to boost his ego during slow times. gotta love that "collegial" atmosphere.