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Preview: Royales With Cheese

Royales With Cheese

Royales with Cheese is the 13th ranked Kansas City Royals-related humor blog on the internet today. Why read it? Because being a Royals fan is a baffling ordeal.

Updated: 2018-03-20T01:40:43.321-05:00


Top 5 Moments in Royals Cinematic History


Hello Sports Fans!It’s World Series week! The Royals are not in the World Series this year. That is okay. The Royals were not even in the playoffs this year. That is okay, too. In an alternate universe, the Royals lost the Wild Card game to the Blue Jays because Ned Yost refused to bring Wade Davis into a tie game. Be thankful that we didn’t have to see that.As you know, the Indians and Cubs, the two teams with the longest World Series droughts, are set to begin the Fall Classic tonight. As you also know, these two franchises are closely tied in America’s mind to the fictional rosters bearing their marks in the baseball films Major League (a good movie) and Rookie of the Year (a bad movie).You’ve likely already seen these references polluting your social media streams. This is only the beginning. Badly butchered Major League lines were already some of the most commonly uttered phrases at office coolers and in beer league softball dugouts everywhere. During the course of the next week, no public place will be safe from someone, for no reason, asking if you are indeed suggesting that Jesus Christ cannot hit a curve ball. There will be uproarious laughter. Hahahaha. I’ve seen that movie! I get jokes! You, the loyal RWC reader, will of course feign a chuckle and roll your eyes.While the Royals unfortunately don’t have a movie dedicated to their brand, you can take comfort in the fact that they have had their share of memorable moments on the silver screen. And here they are, in no particular order:The Movie: Angels in the Outfield (1994)The Scene: A hapless Royals player runs straight into fat bastard Angels catcher Triscuitt Messmer (lol wut?), gets knocked down, tries to get up, gets bonked on the head, falls down again.The Best Line From The Movie: “Hemmerling for Mitchell?! Go Back to Cincinnati!”The Movie: Moneyball (2011)The Scene: An actor playing Jason Grimsley prepares to deliver the meatball that Scott Hatteberg launches over the fence for the Oakland A’s 20th consecutive victory. The Best Line From The Movie:  “If you lose the last game of the season, nobody gives a shit.”The Movie: Major League (1989)The Scene: Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughan blows a heater by some Kevin Seitzer looking dude in glorious powder blue.The Best Line From The Movie: “Want me to drag him outside, kick the shit out of him?”The Movie: Man Of Steel (2013)The Scene: Jor-El visits Earth to inform Superman he’s ineligible to compete in the World Baseball Classic.The Best Line From The Movie: “The ship appears to have inserted itself into a lunar synchronous orbit.”The Movie: Little Big League (1994)The Scene: Wally Joyner fraternizes with Minnesota Twins first baseman Lou Collins after a single to right.The Best Line From The Movie: “It's a scientific fact that a pig becomes a hog at 180 pounds.”There they are, everyone.Did we miss any?Enjoy the World Series.Go Royals! You’re Still The Champs![...]



Thank You, Royals! You're the Best!

Cheese Epilogue


The Royals made the playoffs this year.The Royals won an insane Wild-Card game.The Royals won eight straight playoff games to get to the World Series.The Royals took the San Francisco Giants to the seventh game of the World Series.Then, the Royals lost.It was a disappointing ending to a completely unexpected and wonderful post-season.But I'm a man of my word.Back in early September I promised I'd stop ragging on the current team if they made the playoffs. I know their success has nothing to do with me, but I also know they didn't deserve all the shit I flung at them over the last four or six or eight years of this stupid blog.So this blog is going on hiatus, sort of.I won't go away completely, but I'm going to try very hard to not talk about the current Royals on here anymore, and certainly not in a derisive way (though there's always twitter). I still have Royals recipes and goofy baseball cards and novelty records to share on this blog, but posts will be very infrequent from here on out, I imagine.Thanks to everyone who has ever taken the time to read anything on this page. It means a lot to me that a few people have enjoyed some of the words I've written or the pictures I've made.Thanks especially to those of you who have taken the time to contribute content to the blog, even though you were never compensated for it and never will be. I'd love it if you want to keep posting here, but I understand if you want to take this as an opportunity to move on to other things.What else?I guess I'd be remiss if I didn't give the fake Emil Brown a chance to say goodbye. He's been one of our longest running and least successful jokes on this blog, so it's only fair to give him one final moment to ruin any good will we've built up. What do you have for us this time, old friend?Oh boy.Goodbye, Emil. Thanks for making me laugh that one time. You'll always be one of my favorite Royals.See the rest of you guys sometime in 2015.Let's not wait another 29 years to do this again.Go Royals! You're the Best![...]



The Royals are in the World Series!They're currently trailing three games to two, but I'm feeling surprisingly zen about the whole thing.I mean, they're in the World Series!If they don't pull it out, I'm okay with it. Really.I'm honestly still feeling a weird mix of confusion and elation that they've made it so far when they hadn't done anything in the previous twenty-eight seasons.I was fully prepared to go the rest of my life without seeing the Royals ever play in a World Series.Really.I didn't even expect them to win the wild card game, so everything this post-season has been gravy. Even if they lose the World Series, I'll be happy. It's an incredible accomplishment for a team that had Chris Getz and Jeff Francoeur on it as recently as last season. And look at me! Posting dumb shit to Royales with Cheese on October 28th! Confusing! Elating!Anyway, I'm hoping this isn't a one-year-only deal and that the Royals have several more Octobers to come.But just in case this is it, I better get a Royals Recipe uploaded that only really works for this time of year.You know what I'm talking about. It's October, the month when pumpkin flavoring makes its way into anything edible, from coffee to cookies to crêpes to Country Crock.Now that the Royals are relevant during the Halloween season, it only makes sense that we join the pumpkin party. And luckily, Muriel Kauffman was way ahead of us in her 1980 submission to the Royals Recipe book.Here are Mrs. K's Frozen Pumpkin Squares:According to Mrs. K, this recipe solves the problem of what to serve when you have a big crowd at your house. So if you're taking in Game 6 (and hopefully Game 7?) at su casa this week and all your rowdy pumpkin-loving friends are coming over, she's got just the thing.Here are your ingredients:Of course, we have the requisite sugar substitute, as well as frozen yogurt rather than ice cream, because my wife and I are giant vaginas.Here are some disgusting pictures of the process:At this point, I'd like to point out that Muriel's belief that 36 ginger snaps would be enough for two layers is a little misguided. Maybe ginger snaps have greatly reduced in size over the last 34 years? Maybe these hard discs aren't the sort of ginger snaps she even wants us to use? She probably wanted us to bake real ones and use those. In any case, one layer alone of the store-bought type ended up being 40 ginger snaps:Next, we have an unnecessary look at the top/inside of our freezer. Probably just as you imagined it, with a Bo Jackson Puppet Kooler and handle of Tito's Vodka resting on top and inside a bunch of ice cream trays nestled in a broken ice-maker.And cut to five hours later...Overall, these were delicious. Pumpkinny, cold, and creamy. The pecans, unfortunately, overwhelm the flavor at times (and provide a bit too much roughage to the texture), but Muriel's Frozen Pumpkin Squares were pretty damn good. Next time we make this, we'll probably cut the nuts in half or entirely and have an amazing dessert.RATINGS:Me: 4.5 out of 5 The Wife: 1.5 out of 5 Hudlers (the fewer Hudlers, the better, of course)Thanks for the delicious fall treat, Mrs. K. Do you have any final words before the game tonight?Couldn't have said it better myself.Go Royals! You're the Best![...]

American League Champions


The Kansas City Royals are going to the World Series.

Obligatory Sweep Graphic #1:

Obligatory Sweep Graphic #2:

Obligatory Sweep Graphic #3:

And I think we all remember what the Royals did to the Giants this year

Though I wouldn't mind making a sweep graphic for the Cardinals, either.

Go Royals! 12-0! You're the Best!

RWC Post #360


I didn't realize how dead inside the last twenty-nine years had made me.

Scratch that.

I was pretty aware.

It was a carbuncle on my soul.

But I'm over it.

How could I not be?

The Royals are good.

And life as a Royals fan is good.

Let's celebrate with the guy who we all wish was still around to see this.

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Go Royals! 12-0! You're the Best!

Bellwether's Guide to the American League Central: Detroit


Here it is, Royals fans, it comes down to this. Final month of the season. The home stretch. I was hoping to pull everything together; to grab for glory using the best of my abilities; to use everything that I’ve learned over the past two years writing for this site; to give it my all and write the best damn RWC post that I’m capable of.Well, instead of doing all that, I unfortunately look once again completely outmatched and over my head and will have to grit it out, relying on my strengths (fart jokes, poop jokes) while completely whiffing on all other fronts (astute analysis, coherence). Basically, I have a 2-0 lead in the third off of errors and unearned runs, and I’m trying to fight thru the final seven innings with a tired, depleted bullpen while giving Eric Hosmer four at-bats a game. But that, sports fans, is why we love September baseball.So, without further adieu, the final chapter in our look at our American League Central opponents: DETROIT.  What’s a Detroit?Detroit is French for “a toilet”Can you give us some fun facts?I don’t know. What do you want to look at? The 78,000 abandoned structures within the city limits? The fact that 60% of children there live below the poverty line? Or that over half of high school graduates are unemployed.Years and years and years of deliciously corrupt union bosses and politicians colluding on collective bargaining agreements and pensions that didn’t have a prayer of being funded properly are finally coming home to roost as the city -- yes the city itself -- has declared bankruptcy.But, hey, at least city officials haven’t lost their zeal for screwing over the populous, agreeing to fork over $285 million (again, the city is fucking bankrupt) to build a new stadium for the Red Wings. At least they were able to fleece enough out of their not-then-empty coffers to replace decrepit Tiger Stadium when they had a chance. So, yeah. Detroit’s a toilet.Okay, so are there any, like, good things about it?With apologies to Seattle, Nashville, LA, NY, Chicago, Austin, Minneapolis and Athens, GA, Detroit is the absolute 100% greatest music town in the US. No contest. Smokey Robinson, Death, Diana Ross, Iggy Pop, Eminem, Ted Nugent, Aretha Franklin, Jack White, Marvin Gaye, FUCKING DeBARGE the list goes on-and-on.But, of course, both the music industry and the automobile industry -- the two things that Detroit is known for -- are completely in the shitter.I guess it just goes to show that when an industry is unable to adapt to the consumption changes of a populous and in turn pivot strategy in an ever expanding and competitive marketplace, it will increasingly rely on not innovation, but lowest-common-denominator shilling on the blind hope that someone, anyone will take anything resembling a genuine interest in your product. And that, my friends, is how we got Kid Rock. And the Chevrolet Cruze. And Kid Rock selling the Chevrolet Cruze.Fuck, Detroit. Get it together, man.They got a baseball team there, right?They do!What are they called?The Tigers!Ferocious!I know! One of the original charter franchises of the new American League, they were founded in 1901, when the game was just a game. When the patrons wore their Sunday Best to the ballpark,when the strongest PED was the hotdog, and when ballplayers were super racist! Like Ty Cobb! There is some debate about exactly how super racist the Tiger great was, but when I think of Ty Cobb, I picture him not rounding the first base to stretch a single into a double, I picture him beating a black elevator operator to death with his own shoe (which I’m sure is a story I heard about him one time that is also 100% true). But don’t look down on me for thinking that. I also picture him biting Kid Rock’s nose off.So how are they at baseballin?Pretty good! At least the last few years. It’s pretty insane to think that as bad as the Royals have been the past decad[...]

Lifetime of Losing Presents: Mother, May I Sweep With Rangers?


Royals be sweeping! Royals be sweeping! You cannot stop the Royals from sweeping!

When KC previously swept the Texas Rangers in 2012, we posted a not-so-timely graphic featuring a bearded idiot.

But now it's 2014 and Chuck Norris is even more passé.

We've got to step up our game.

So this one's for you, Rangers. It's got all your favorites-- Smith, Rick, and J. Audubon Woodlore:



By my count, this is the eighth obligatory sweep post of the season.

Think about that. The Royals have had EIGHT sweeps in 2014.

Which leads me to something I've been thinking about for a while.

What's the point of this blog anymore?

Roughly a sixth of the posts this year have been about the Royals beating the hell out of other teams...

 That doesn't exactly fit the ethos of this website.

So, if winning their first AL Central title ever and making the playoffs for the first time in 29 years isn't a strong enough incentive, let me throw this out there for the Royals:

I'm willing to end this thing. 

Win the division, and Royales with Cheese goes on hiatus.

Maybe for good.

Well, probably not for good. I have a shitload of Royals novelty songs and Royals recipes and other Royals ephemera to share.

But I can do that stuff pretty sparingly. Especially if the team is good. I won't have to post about Rex Hudler's jackassery or Billy Butler's gut or Moose's mouth-breathing if the team is good. Because that shit won't matter anymore.

Go to the playoffs, and RWC turns into just an occasional pop-in to share some goofy Royals stuff from the past. It's no longer a forum to chastise Dayton Moore or David Glass or Ned Yost. I'll just occasionally write something to let you know I'm still alive and still a Royals fan.

Bellwether and AC (if they don't get poached to join Royals Review like every other Royals blogger in the world) can still write here about whatever they want, because they're fucking ballers.

But no more snark about the current team from JR.

I swear.

Can we make that deal?

Can you win this and end this?

I hope you do.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

Some Punny Title about TV and/or the Royals


Hey everybody! I made some funny pictures about the Royals being on TV shows because I do things like that sometimes. Usually I'd write a lot of jokes and puns and stuff connecting the Royals to these shows, but it's Labor Day weekend so I'll just go meta and save us all some time.Let's do this: Something something TV! Something something Royals! Something something Royals TV!Here are the shows! Kratz's Creatures (Weekdays at 4:30/3:30 central on PBS): Jokes and puns about Erik Kratz and lemur puppets and PBS and shit.Ibañeza (Sundays at 9/8 central on NBC):Jokes and puns about Bonanza and Raul Ibañez and Billy Butler and Little Ho AKA Greg Holland and cowboys and Hop Sing and shit.Punky Bruceter (Sundays at 7/6 central on NBC):Jokes and puns about Bruce Chen and Punky Brewster and Soleil Moon Frye growing up to be hot as shit and shit.Yost in Space (Wednesdays at 7:30/6:30 central on CBS):Ned Yost is a dick. Send his ass to space and shit.There you go.Enjoy your Labor Day weekend, everybody!Go Royals! You're the Best![...]

Emil Wrapping Up Your Summer Movies For This Summer


Hey all you movie fans! I am sorry I ain't stop by to talk to you bout the movies that come out the last few weeks. I was on my summer vacation to the Florida beaches!I walk on the shore and I fed some seagull some Doritos and I ate lots of good fishfood and I got my swerve on at some of the hottest clubs in Pompano. I also drunk some Everclear from a big pinecone that they give me at my hotel which was pretty baller.I also went into a Gater park and saw a crocodile jump out the water up into the sky to eat a chicken that some guy thrown in the air for it! Then next I went down into the Keys which are bridges cross some islands down at the bottom of Florida and they had good bars and hot chicks in binkinis and I was 90 minutes from Cuba which is full of Commies.But then I realize I forgot to tell you bout all the good movie that come out the last couple weeks and now summer is over so that means some real bad movie coming out soon but football starting so its all good! I will tell you what you miss and what is coming out before the end of the summer but I am real sorry!Into the Store (August 8)This was a movie bout some dudes who go running after the bad weather and get swallow up by tornados and hail. I like some storm movies like The Twister with the flying cow and The Perfect Storm when Mark Wallberg got killed by a wave. This might be good but I ain't seen it so maybe when its on FX I will watch this!  Step Up All Into The Streets (August 8)The teenagers from the Step Up movie are now all in other movies like Shannon Tatum is in 21 Jump Street or they are now not doing any movies cuz they can only dance good but not act good.  This one is the new Step Up movie with new teenager who dance in the streets but it was a big old flop so forget this movie!Teenager Mutant Ninja Turtle (August 8)Now these some cool teenager cuz they are also big old green reptile monsters who live in the sewer and do karate with swards and numbchucks. This is one of the greatest ninja turtle moves ever and you should see this if you like seeing green freaks of nature doing some shitkicking!Let's Be Some Cops (August 13) Two of the New Girl's husbands decide to steal a cop car and some cop uniform and then they act like fake cops who get drunk and smoke some chronic and party but also try to stop some crimes. This a funny movie bout dressing up and being someone you ain't.The Expandables 3 (August 15)Sly Stone and all the other old action hero dudes from the 1980 movies go on a new mission that is real boring like the last two times and I seen this one and I wanted my money back from this so don't see this unless you like old guys on dumb missions and don't like to use your money on the good movies. Sin City A Dame to Kill 4 (August 22)Sin City was a cool movie that come out forever ago with a lot of violent killings and bloody fights and it look like a black and white comic strip with tits! This is the sequel so you can bet the killings and tits is bloodier and bigger then ever before but still in black and white so that kind of sucks!If I Have To Stay (August 22)A girl got in a car wreck and she is in the hospital in a comma and she has all the crazy dreams and memory and she might even meet God in this movie! So she got to decided to let her self die or do she want to come back to life and wake up from the comma? If it was me I would wake up cuz YOLO!When the Game Staind Tall (August 22)This is a football movie of some kids playing football at the De La Soul school and the Jesus from The Passion of the Christ movie is coaching these kids. Well this coach is real good at winning and he don't loose for years and his kids don't loose for years! In real life most kids are loosers at sports and still get the trophy but this movie says you don't deserve the trophy unless you win which is a [...]

The Thrill That'll Getcha When You Get Your Picture on the Cover of a Dying Medium


The Royals are on fire. They keep winning and winning and winning. They have somehow become one of the front-runners in the AL. Barring an epic collapse, we'll finally see something we haven't witnessed since 1985. The question now is not so much whether or not they'll make the playoffs, but how they'll do when they get there.It's been weird seeing the national media struggle to figure out how to talk about the team in a non-mocking way. Hell, I'm a loyal fan and you'll notice I've basically stopped tweeting about them or discussing the current squad on the website, as I really have no idea how to deal with this situation, either.In fact, the team has broken out in such a crazy way that they are even featured on the (regional edition) of Sports Illustrated! Of course, the national edition of the magazine features Little League breakout star pitcher and first female to appear on SI wearing something other than a bikini in months, Mo'Ne Davis. But getting on a regional cover is pretty good, considering the Royals have very rarely even appeared within the pages of Sports Ilustrated during their playoff drought. Here's the cover, featuring Billy Butler doing a home run trot around the bases while fans go crazy.It's pretty cool, for sure. I mean, can you image if earlier this season the editors over at SI had decided to do a cover story on the Royals?It would have been a lot more embarrassing.Thankfully, those covers won't be on actual magazine racks this week.They'll just live on forever on this site and on Google Image Search.Go Royals! You Really Are The Best![...]

The 500 Hats of Steve Balboni


I was looking through the 1986 Royals yearbook the other day and was greatly amused by the picture for the recently christened (and twenty-eight years later, still standing) Royals single-season home run leader, Steve Balboni. While "Bye-Bye" Balboni was never a great looking guy, this picture is pretty adorable:You just don't see portly, balding men in baseball much anymore. If a guy is balding (and even if not) he might shave his head, but this hair-on-the-sides-but-not-on-top doesn't really fit the look of a modern athlete.I thought about how Balboni might look in a toupee, and even considered getting Lacie Numbers to work up a makeover, but ultimately decided there was a simple solution.A hat.Duh.Baseball players almost always wear hats. There were probably fans that had never seen Balboni off the field, and therefore, may not have even realized he was bald.So the easy solution is a hat.Scratch that. A lot of hats.Behold, the first in a new series, "The 500 hats of Steve Balboni."  Only 487 hats and 38 more posts left in this series!Go Royals! You're the Best![...]

Sweep Sweepback's Baadasssss Song



Hell of a weekend for the Royals and their fans. Billy Butler has started hitting like a DH now that he's a first baseman. Alex Gordon homered on Nebraska Night and again on his bobblehead day. Jarrod Dyson stole three bases in one game. SungWoo went from being Twitter famous to Kansas City famous.

Oh yeah, and the kid in the mustard suit had his pants fall down during the hot dog race.


Somehow, someway, this team has won fifteen of its last eighteen games.


The Royals are the hottest team in all of baseball.

And the rest of their schedule is very favorable. In fact, I don't think the Royals will end up a Wild Card.

I think they may take this division. They have a bunch of games with the Tigers over the final month of the season. If they play even close to how they have in this stretch (and the Tigers play as poorly as they have lately), the Royals become the AL Central champs for the first time ever.

Which means the twenty-nine-year playoff drought may really be coming to an end.

Which means I won't know what the hell to do with myself.

Maybe make a Chiefs blog?


Let's hope it never comes to that.

Before I go, let's bust out a couple of new obligatory sweep graphic, tailor-made for the San Francisco Giants:

See how easy it is when you have a decent mascot?

Go Royals! Nosotros Creemos! Be Royal! Our Time! You Gotta Love These Guys! Etc!

Diamondbacks On The Soles Of Their Shoes


The Royals are in the playoffs! The Royals are in the playoffs! The Royals are in the playoffs!Well, maybe. Not really. There's still two months left of the season. So, probably not.  Who knows, though?The Royals made the most over the last three days of playing the Arizona Diamondbacks, a team that lost its best hitter over the weekend, is littered with rookies, and has little fan support. Only 40,000 fans showed up in the desert to see the entire series. Basically, it was sort of like the 2014 Royals were playing the 2005 Royals. So let's get the obligatory sweep graphic out of the way:Done.Oh wait.Now we're done.Okay, time for some Friday fun. Let's see what's inside Bo Jackson!Remember the Bo Jackson Puppet Kooler?We've put some weird stuff in him. But today, we decided to go with something a little more, uh... seasonal?Sure, we'll go with that. Here is WHAT'S INSIDE BO JACKSON:WIBJ #4: ZucchiniThere you go. Have a good weekend, everybody.Go Summer Squash! You're Weirdly Elongated![...]

Bellwether's Guide to the American League Central: Chicago


Man, man, man. These Royals just keep on winning and losing, huh? (mostly winning! but also losing!) but we’re still not mathematically eliminated (at least not yet, I think?) Maybe they are, who cares. The most important thing is that we all continue to freak the shit out of every at bat of every game. And, whelp, I wouldn’t be doing my duty properly if I didn’t prepare you to do so by continuing my series of explainers on our Boys in Blue’s division rivals that probably should have been done in April or May at the latest but it’s August so who cares shut yer butt and read. Up next: Chicago!What’s a Chicago?What do you think of when you think of Chicago? Lake Shore Drive The Loop & The Picasso in Daley Plaza? Hot dogs & deep dish pizza & fine dining establishments? The Super Fans & Bill Murray & Second City comedy vets? The Field Museum & Shedd Aquarium & the Adler Planetarium? Michael Jordan & Bobby Hull & Ernie Banks & Walter Payton? Yeah, all of that.You know what you don’t think of? A bunch of piss drunk Polacks urinating in public, yelling at women to show them their tits. A bunch of piss drunk Micks pounding a 40, beating the shit out of an immigrant. A bunch of piss drunk Krauts belting out Motley Crue, rolling down the street in an ‘87 IROC. You know why you don’t think of these people? Because the city of Chicago doesn’t want you to know that these people exist. These people are White Sox Fans.Full disclosure: I lived in Chicago until I was 11 years old, and while I grew up firmly implanted in the far northern suburbs, one side of my family is South Side to the bone. TO. THE. BONE. And they are the greatest people in the world. They are all incredibly loving, caring, salt-of-the-earth blue-collar people and I love the shit out of them, and I would never lump them anywhere near the people I described above. But it’s hard not to overgeneralize when “Gamboa’d” is now a verb in our parlance meaning “to be beaten on the field by the most stereotypical of all White Sox fans.” Plus, the point of these little columns is to piss on your rivals, so all due respect to all of my aunts and uncles and cousins, I love you, but man, it’s easy to rip on White Sox fans sometimes.Still, there’s something charming (is charming the word?) thinking about living in 1972, drinking warm Miller High Life in some wood-paneled smoke-filled basement bar on the South Side, playing pool at 1PM on a Saturday, listening to Dick Allen take one deep at Old Comiskey on a AM transistor radio hanging over the beer tap. Say what you want about fathers and sons and sunshine and box seats and bringing your glove to catch a foul ball, that first scene above is just as indicative to the American experience. That scene, to me, is White Sox Baseball.Also, the Gamboa thing. So, they’re called the White Sox, right?Yep!So, they’re kinda like the Red Sox?Kinda. Where the Red Sox had an 86-year World Series title drought, the White Sox had an 88 year drought. I guess, that’s about where the comparisons end.Where the Red Sox had a number of near-misses over the decades, the White Sox were absolutely Royals-esque in their ineptitude. clocking in with a stretch of 40 years without a postseason appearance.Where the Red Sox are hot chicks in pink hats, the White Sox are Denise Swerski with a mouth full of dip spit and polish sausage.Where the Red Sox have hours and hours of national coverage devoted to their franchise, the Chicago Tribune devoted more column inches on Hall of Fame weekend on Greg Maddux -- who played about a ¼ of his career for the Cubs -- than Frank Thomas, the greatest to ever wear a White[...]

Orange is the New Bingo


 Other Royals sites do a great job of giving readers a larger scope of the Royals organization. Many have a staff that pumps out several articles a day, all of them brilliant takes on the players, coaches, and management.At Royales with Cheese, I'm lucky if I get two or three posts out a week, and they usually contain little to no insight. Hell, a couple of weeks ago I posted an article that was just a picture of Jorge Orta's dog.Anyway, I'm getting a hankering to dig a little deeper. And by deeper, I don't mean more thoughtful. I mean, literally deeper. Like, down a level. Or two or three.I'm talking, of course, about more focus on the Royals minor league system. Now, I know other sites cover the development of the players. That's not what I'm talking about.I'm talking about the mascots. The weird, ridiculous mascots.For this new series, I plan to cover each mascot in the Royals minor league system. I want to know who they are, what they are, and why they are. But mostly what they are. Like, what the hell are they supposed to be, anyway?First up, we'll look at Bingo, the orange blob that dances on the dugouts for the Rookie-level Burlington Royals.Some background: Burlington, North Carolina, is not the home of the Burlington Coat Factory, believe it or not. It is a town of just under 50,000 that is known as "The Hosiery Center of the South." I guess they make a lot of socks and pantyhose there. I don't know. The team's twitter handle is @BRoyalsKC, which sounds suspiciously familiar. It's pretty likely that Australian teen pop sensation Lorde stole that for the chorus of her Grammy-winning song "Royals." Of course, then the Kansas City team stole the line back from her song to make it their slogan for 2014, #BeRoyal.Barely into this new series and we're really getting to the bottom of things, aren't we?Anyway, let's look at this goofy-ass mascot.Here's Bingo:A few things jump out at me right away. First of all, as I normally wonder with mascots, what is Bingo?It's orange, furry, and pantsless. Back in the day, we used to call that Porky Pigging it. It seems to have no genitals (though I do find myself examining that bulge there a bit too closely. Is that a camel toe? Some furry orange balls?).You can tell Bingo's a happy, uh, creature, based on the open-mouth grin, though it's toothless, which I find unsettling. It has big, cartoony eyes, which make him look like a cross between a generic muppet andFelix the Cat.And there's something else strange about Bingo. Like fellow mascots Oprah Winfrey, Jessica Simpson, Mariah Carey, and Matthew Perry, Bingo seems to have an issue with fluctuating weight. Check out this picture for proof:Definitely carrying around some extra fat in the belly, hips, and thighs there. Quite a contrast from the svelte figure with the androgynous crotch we showed earlier.In fact, now that I mention it, I want to go back to the mystery of the bulging mascot. I've got a picture of Bingo pulling a Basic Instinct pose that may clear things up...Hmmm... still hard to tell. Bingo is sort of in-between skinny and fat here, though.Maybe seeing this mascot in action would help.Here's Bingo dancing with a lady:Rocking what looks like front-butt there. But still hard to tell its sex.This might be a good time to mention Bingo's shoes. Consider for a moment the fact that this thing is wearing a hat, shirt, no pants, and shoes.Reminiscent of Chico Lind's favorite look.Okay.Let's try one more picture.Here we go. Whoa!I guess that clears things up!Definitely male. Definitely sporting massive wood.Alright, now that we have that figured out... Umm...I'm getting bored with this now, frankly. I guess that's [...]

Still Keeping Up With The Jones Store (and the Wild Card?)


After a brutal series with the Red Sox following the All-Star Break, the Royals seem to have pulled their heads out of their asses and taken series against division rivals Chicago and Cleveland. They close out July with a three-game set at home against Minnesota. Will they keep winning? Will they leapfrog three teams and stave off the three teams barely behind them to get their first playoff bid in twenty-nine years?My guess is the next three games go well, the Royals appear on the verge of taking over a wild card spot, then proceed to shit the bed the first two weeks of August, relegating them to playing catch-up the rest of the way.Why do I say that?They have seven games with the A's in those first two weeks of August. That's the best-team-in-all-of-baseball Oakland Athletics. They've managed to avoid them all season, but that's about to end. We'll be seeing Rex Hudler riding a donkey in a matter of days, and there's nothing we can do about it.The Royals have a relatively easy final six weeks after that, with a lot of match-ups against teams with lesser records like the Rockies, Twins, Indians, White Sox, and Rangers, so they will probably still be in it fairly late in the year. However, barring a total collapse by the Tigers (the Royals do have six contests left with them), and implosions by Toronto (nah), New York (maybe), Seattle (hmmm), Cleveland (eh), Chicago (likely), and the surging Rays (yikes), the Royals aren't making the playoffs.It's also fairly likely at least one of those teams above makes a big splash in the next two days and acquires someone that helps it rise to the top. I doubt that team will be the Royals. Anyway, you don't come to this website for baseball analysis. At least, I hope you don't. Let's get to the good stuff, like Jones Store ads featuring awkwardly posed children wearing sideways baseball caps and acid-wash jean shorts.If you missed the last batch of these covering 1983-1986, here they are. Then come back and check out the following ads from 1987-1991. Remember to click on them to get an uncomfortably close view of late-80s/early 90s fashion.1987:1988:1989:1990:1991:Go Zubaz Shorts and "Joe Cool" Snoopy Tees! You're the Best![...]

Pining for a Hit


Time for another edition of Royals Record Club! It's the thirty-first anniversary of the Pine Tar Incident, and we've got a single crafted to cash in on that historic moment. No, I'm not talking about "Pine Tar Wars" by that fake truck driver. We covered that last season. This is better than that song, but then again, it would just about have to be.I'm talking about "The Pine Tarred Bat (The Ballad of George Brett)" by singing cowboy "Red River Dave" McEnery. Never heard of it? I'm not surprised. I only discovered it last year, and I actively collect this kind of crap. Probably the best thing about this 45 is its packaging. It's not just a blank paper sleeve or a plain artist name/song title cover like most record singles come in, but actually has art. We get a drawing of Red River Dave and some sort of dirt-cloud brawl, with arms and legs and hats that say "Ump" sticking out of it. My favorite part is the bottom of the pile, which features what appears to be a dead George Brett.Now obviously the image doesn't reflect the reality of the incident, but it may have sold a few extra 45s to Yankee fans. Once they bought it, they were probably disappointed since the song is primarily a celebration of Brett.We'll get back to the song in a little bit, but first, let's talk about Red River Dave. Born in San Antonio in 1914, his initial claim to fame goes all the way back to the 1930s. He was a singing cowboy, adept at rope tricks and yodeling, and often appeared on the radio in Texas and Mexico. A song he'd written and performed called "Amelia Earhart's Last Flight," which capitalized on the recent disappearance of the aviator, gained national recognition when he performed it at the 1939 World's Fair in New York. Interestingly enough, many people who saw Red River Dave perform at the fair didn't see it in person. You see, RCA introduced the television set to the general public at this event by broadcasting Franklin Rooselevelt's Grand Opening speech. One of the other things shown on the television at the fair? Red River Dave singing about Amelia Earhart. In case you're curious, other firsts at the fair included air conditioning, flourescent lightbulbs, color photography, and a seven-foot tall robot named Electro the Moto-Man that could talk and smoke cigarettes. Red River Dave had a long and varied career. After a stint as an infantryman during World War II, he got into the movies. He was featured in one full-length western and eight shorts between 1944 and 1948. He spent a large chunk of the 1950s hosting a local television show in San Antonio. Following that, he sold real estate. All the while, he continued recording and releasing songs based on current events. Among these were "The Ballad of Emmit Till," "The Flight of Apollo 11," "The Ballad of Patty Hearst," "Viet Nam Guitar," "The Ballad of Three-Mile Island," and "Shame is the Middle Name of Exxon," which wasn't about the famous oil spill, but rather was just Red River Dave bitching about high auto repair costs from his local Exxon station. He even wrote a song about the Manson Family, and it's one of the weirdest country songs ever (though Eddie Noack has him beat in that category). As a bonus, here's Red River Dave's "California Hippy Murders":Red River Dave was ridiculously prolific, releasing hundreds of  songs through various labels and independently. He said, "I write a song every day after checking the daily newspapers." On a bet, he once wrote fifty-two songs in an eight-hour period while handcuffed to a piano. Somehow, through this long life of writing and recording music and appearing in film and on TV[...]

Royal Babies R Us


The world is a mess. Thousands of child refugees are waiting to be made U.S. citizens or exported. Planes are getting shot out of the sky. Hundreds are being massacred in the Middle East. Jim Fucking Rockford died. And, of course, the Kansas City Royals continue to fall in the standings. But guess what?None of that matters.Why? BECAUSE TODAY IS THE ROYAL BABY'S FIRST BIRTHDAY!  And we have an EXCLUSIVE picture of Baby Prince George.I know what you're thinking: How in the hell did Royales with Cheese, the dumbest blog to ever blog, get a picture of the future King of England? The excitement, as they say, is palpable. SQUEE!Here it is, an RWC Exclusive: What a handsome young lad!He'll make a great king someday, I'm sure of it.Anywho, all this hoopla over some dumb baby that didn't do anything other than be born to a couple of rich assholes got me to thinking. What did some of our favorite Royals ballplayers look like when they were young?Well, I just happen to have a few pictures.Time for our second edition of Royals Portrait Studio! These are real photos of the players in question.First up, former Royals rookie sensation third baseman in 1987 and unjustly fired hitting coach in 2012, Kevin Seitzer:Showing off the defensive prowess that led to a .949 fielding percentage in his career.Here's what outfielder Michael Tucker looked like as a kid:Now we know where the bug eyes came from-- he stopped wearing his glasses.Next, we have the Royals All-Time Saves Leader and current KC broadcaster, Jeff Montgomery:Check out those ears. Nothing a mullet can't fix.This outfielder hit 31 home runs for the Royals in 1991, and even participated in the Home Run Derby at the All-Star Game that year. That's right, I'm talking about Danny Tartabull:He had a badass swing, even as a kid.Next is David Letterman's favorite shortstop, Buddy Biancalana:Preparing his dog for a Stupid Pet Trick, no doubt.How about Royals workhorse starting pitcher and current Angels color guy Mark Gubicza?Jumper? Check. Black socks? Check. Straddling a weird toy truck with a pre-Mario-Brothers Mario?! Check mate.And finally, current Royals first baseman and former fat kid, Eric Hosmer:Proof that even the most Eric Cartman of kids has a chance of being a professional baseball player. BEEFCAKE!Go Royal Babies! You're the Best![...]

Here are More Summer Movies for the Middle Part of This Summer


People allways saying "TGIF" and "Thank Gosh it's Friday!" They saying this because movies come out on Friday and they like to go to the movies because films are the gateway to the heart of the minds of the children inside of all of your bodies. So I am here again to tell you bout all these new movie so you can pick some of them to watch to fell the magic of the movies!But first things fist, on Twiter once I ask you to ask me a question so I can answer those question here sometime so here we go for the first Email Brown post. Don't worry I will also tell you what movies coming out soon also but I want to answer the questions the kids ask on the internet to me.Here is the first one!   Hi Ruby. I ain't seen your eyebrow before. Do you got one or two eyebrow? If you ain't like your eyebrow you can shave them off and drawn them on. I like that.Hi Goff. There so many good taco places in KC that its wrong to answer this and be mean to any of the tacos I left out so I will say the best taco in KC is the one you make on my pan in the kitchen. Here is a cool recipe for you to make your tacos-- Be sure to use meat and taco seasons and taco shells and shredder lettuce and sour creme and salsa and cheese from a bag on it and it will be real good.Hi Barbra. I don't got the answer for you on this one but I know someone who do. You can find him at the church on Tuesday night. His name is Travis something and he can answer your question maybe. He also works at the Red X so if you can't go to the church he is there usually but be carful don't get him in trouble with the boss.Ok, we are done doing questions! Let's talk bout movies! Here's what you can watch coming out today or soon.The Purrge: Anarchy! (July 18)Each year the cops take the day off from keeping people from braking laws and killing people and this is call the Purge. This movie the second movie bout a bunch of people tryina not get killed by the Purge. If the Purge was real life I bet we all would just steal X-Box and iPhones and big screen TVs and not murder people that would be to messed up for us but I think we'd all like free electronics!Plans 2: Fired and Rescue (July 18)Did you like the Cars movies and the first Planes movie then you gone love this new Planes movie. A bunch of talking cartoon planes and hellicopter and trucks and cars go to the woods to put out a forest fire that's bout to destroy a lodge. The best part of the movie when the firetruck said check out his new siren and then he cuts a big fart!SexTape (July 18)Jason Seagull and Camera Diaz are a couple who bang on a video tape then they put it on the world wide web on accident and they worry all there friends will see it because they given them all iPads so then they got to find all the iPads and break the iPads so nobody see them banging on the website. If I had did this I just delete the tape not ruin the iPads!Herculies (July 25)In this movie the Rock is a Greek god in fur skins who got to fight giant CGI lions and snakes and dogs with three heads and pigs and dragons and zombie soldiers! There's also a lot of pretty laddies who all got blue eyes and they allways talking to Herculies so it's not all just violents there is also romance. This look like a real good shit kicking action movie!And So That Goes (July 25)If you are a middle age person you might like this movie. Michale Douglas find out he got a grand daughter who he got to take care of so he ask Diane Keaton to help him and he learn to stop being such a asshole and more of a good man so he can raise a little girl even though he wi[...]

Royals Portrait Studio #1


Presenting the first of many Royals Portrait Studio posts! I've got quite a few of these lined up, so hopefully you enjoy looking at pictures of your favorite Royals in goofy poses while sporting bad clothing, hairstyles, and/or facial hair. If that's not the case, then you make me sad.Here's a great one to start us off. It's a 1985 photograph of Royals DH Jorge Orta with his wife Geraldine, sons Jorge, Jr. and Craig, and their lovable family dog. Go Orta Family Dog! You're the Best![...]

Where My Peepers At?


The Royals limp into the All-Star Break after a disastrous series with the division-leading Tigers. They don't look like the team that won ten straight a few weeks ago. Alex Gordon is out with an injured wrist. Jason Vargas had to get an appendectomy. Nori Aoki is hitting leadoff again for some reason. Raul Ibanez is an old, tired man. Things are not great right now.I felt like ranting about how awful the team is playing, but what would be the point? Instead, I decided to channel my energy into something productive.That's right, I spent half an hour dicking around on photoshop.You loved Royals Without Eyebrows. You liked Royals Without Teeth. You appreciated Royals With Tiny Faces. And, even though this series is clearly on a trajectory of diminishing returns, I'm going back to the well.Presenting....ROYALS WITHOUT EYES  Go Eyes! Faces Look Super Creepy Without Them![...]

Boogie Oogie Icky


Welcome to another edition of Royals Record Club! It's been too long since we last explored my music collection and its many weird Royals-related songs. Last season we covered some fairly well-known (at least among Royals fans or fans of novelty records) tracks: CW McCall's "Pine Tar Wars" and Terry Cashman's KC version of "Talkin' Baseball."  But it's time to get a little more obscure. It's time to get a little weird. It's time to get a little disco.The year was 1979. Willie Stargell, Kent Tekulve, and the Pittsburgh Pirates were tearing shit up, winning their fifth World Series accompanied by their theme song "We are Family" by Sister Sledge. Some local Kansas Citians decided to cash in by coming up with their own disco track for their hometown team, and the results were not pretty.In fact, the 45 I'm going to share today is one of the worst songs in my entire collection. But it's about the Royals, so I do still throw it on the turntable once in a while (usually at the end of a party when I want company to leave). Although I rarely make it through the full three minutes, I will say, as bad as the song is, I'd prefer the Royals play this to "Don't Stop Believin'" any night of the goddamn week.So what is this song? It's a little one-off disco/lounge sounding piece of shit called "Loyal to the Royals" by a group called The Royal-tees. Who the hell are the Royal-tees? Well, there are about three-hundred t-shirt shops around the country with this name and a couple of small-time local bands with similar names (The Royal Tees and The Royal T's), but there's no information online to be found for the group in question. It's likely this name was slapped on the 45 just because of the Royals song and was never really anything more than a singer and a couple of session musicians, rather than a real band.However, the names on the 45 provide some clues. The Selltru label is Sellie Truitt, Jr., a former Kansas City Monarchs player and jazz saxophonist. He formed a band in 1939 called The Kings of Rhythm and has played with greats like Charlie Parker, Count Basie, and Duke Ellington. From 1947 until 1974 he was a letter carrier for the U.S. Postal Service. Today, he's a 96-year-old Royals fan who still makes baseball-themed music (check out the "Buck O'Neil Dance"), is an advocate for keeping the post office open, and is an avid facebooker.  Julie Turner, listed as the writer for the song (and presumably the vocalist), is likely the same Julie Turner that is a jazz singer who often performs with her husband of fifty-one years, drummer Tommy Ruskin. She recently released an album that's available on her website (by that, I mean you have to print off an order form and mail it to her; I guess she's also an advocate for the post office). She does still sing in venues around the Kansas City area, so someone should check her out sometime and ask her if she's really the singer on this record. Both of these people clearly love Kansas City and its traditions, and "Loyal to the Royals" expresses that sentiment. One of the things that defines me, and I believe defines a lot of people from Kansas City, is loyalty. Why the hell else would we still be Royals fans after the last thirty years?Still, I can't pretend this is a good song. I really, really, really don't like it. It sounds like disco, lounge music, and a cheerleading chant all rolled into one. It was independently recorded by a retired postal worker in Kansas City in 1979, and it sounds [...]

Cardboard on the Fourth of July


Happy long-ass holiday weekend everybody! America is turning two hundred and thirty something years old and I'm already celebrating with beer, burgers, hot dogs, beer, fireworks, music, beer, whiskey, beer, and beer.It's been a while since I've done a Royals vs. Cards post and I feel obligated to update this stupid blog, so here we go. Which Royals player should we do? Uh.... Angel Berroa? Sure, let's do Angel Berroa.Normally, I'd write a fairly lengthy summary of Berroa's career, but I assume if you're a Royals fan you don't want to be reminded of the complete and utter collapse this dude had. For those who don't know, here's the gist of it-- he went from fan-favorite stud to piece-of-shit turd over the course of a stupidly premature $11 million contract extension from Allard Baird. He was good for one year and then terrible for the next four. Here are some of his worst baseball cards:2006 Upper Deck #220:You can't see his face, but you know it's Angel because of the godawful attempt at a slide, which seems to be a requirement of Royals middle infielders. Also, the choice of font makes "Berroa" look a lot like "BERROR," which I can't help but feel is deliberate.2004 Fleer Ultra #14:In case you've forgotten how Angel looked in the field, this is a nice reminder... he resembled a drunken sorority girl at a bar who was attempting to play darts for the first time.2004 Donruss Studio Stars #5:I dare some teenager to print this weird faux license/baseball card off, put some Contact paper on it, and try to use it to buy some beer.2004 Absolute Memorabilia #TT15:At least the previous card was trying to look like a license... this card is 75% empty language, lame clip art, and negative space. There's something poetic about a "memorabilia" card that isn't even slightly memorable.2007 Topps Classic Combos #659:Nothing says "classic combo" quite like two backup shortstops squatting and grinning like idiots.2004 Fleer Authentix #78:Wow! A baseball card that looks like a baseball ticket, complete with perforation dashes and a UPC symbol! Throw this in the trash when you get home and it's almost like you really went to the game!2001 Royal Rookies Throwbacks #21:Here's Angel posing as if he's a character from Eight Men Out or Field of Dreams or The Natural or some guy in a photo on the wall of the Sears Portrait Studio waiting room that you have to stare at for forty-five minutes while you wait to be photographed for a series of family pictures that you don't really want to be a part of but you'll keep your mouth shut and do it anyway because it's Christmas and at least everyone is finally out of the goddamn house.Oh boy... being too much of an angry drunk when I'm trying to be a funny drunk...Let's lighten things up a bit for the final card:2004 Donruss Studio #6:Following his forced retirement from the sport, Angel moved to the American Southwest where he now sells inside-out baseball caps on the side of the highway. Sadly, there's no rally cap for his career.Hmm, still more mean than funny. Oh well. I guess that's pretty much what we do around here.Go 4th of July! You're the Best![...]

Hunk of Hudler? Yes, Please!


Hello, ladies!The first Majestic Makeover was such a smashing success, I decided to tackle someone a little more challenging. Today we’re going to give one of the Royals’ announcers, Wonderdog Rex Hudler, a new look. (It’s a beautiful thing!) With a little grooming, any mangy mongrel can be transformed into a polished, pampered pooch! Here’s what we’re starting with: Our Wonderhound Hud bubbles over with unbridled enthusiasm about his beloved baseball. This passion, which is a top priority on his plate (home plate!), obviously has taken priority over primping and preening. Rex’s complexion has borne the brunt of years of exposure to the elements. Years of scanning the field with his alert eagle eyes has left him with some fairly significant creasing on his brow and forehead. His hairstyle is outdated, his nails are dull and rough, and don’t even get me started on that hot mess sparkling on his ring finger. (The bling is burning our eyes, Wonderhud!)So, let’s get to work! Our ruddy Rex has committed the ultimate complexion sin: sun exposure. His naturally red-toned complexion looks parched, and the delicate skin on his neck is crying out for some serious TLC. (Hud may not be a scrub, but we don’t want none of his time without skin intervention, am I right, ladies?) Poikiloderma is a fancy name for sun-damaged neck skin, and it hits people with fair complexions the hardest. The fragile décolletage can’t handle season after season of brutal UV rays. (The epidermis isn’t thick-skinned, and consuming bugs won’t give you exoskeleton power, Rex!) Lasers help, but at home, our Wonderhunk Hud can smooth the skin’s appearance somewhat with regular exfoliation, avoidance of colognes and scented soaps, and a powerful SPF sunscreen. And as we discussed when we made over that hottie Hosmer, Rex needs to follow a strict skin-care regimen formulated for mature skin—more moisture, please! (And no, a cooler full of Gatorade dumped on the head doesn’t count!) While we’re on the subject of the Wonderdog’s damaged dermis, let’s smooth those brow creases. Solutions for wrinkled foreheads abound, and include nifty little hacks like line-plumping creams, botox, and wrinkle filler. (In man speak, wrinkle filler is like spackle for your face! Just don’t apply it with a putty knife!) My personal suggestion for Rex is Frownies, a facial patch system that diminishes wrinkles overnight by relaxing muscle memory. (Don’t worry, Rex’s swoon-worthy arm muscles won’t be affected!) By using Frownies religiously, the creases will miraculously soften over time. Hallelujah!                                    No one ever said Rex the Wonderdog is a bloodhound, so let’s ditch the doggone wrinkles!Now let’s address our gentleman’s ginger locks. Rex’s outdated ‘do disguises the most beautiful feature of his locks. Instead of fighting against the natural curl, make the most of it with special hair products formulated for ringlets. Hudler is an ideal candidate for a textured cut, which is designed to work with the natural characteristics of his hair. Also, boys: product, product, product! Gels, pomades, creams—they all work with your waves to provide moisture and definition. Rex[...]