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The Chop Shop

An Atlanta Braves blog by one of their biggest fans...also look for other random things, too

Updated: 2012-04-15T21:46:41.726-05:00



Jane’s Encounters of the Braves Kind #1: Mark DeRosa

I know the following story might not seem believable, but my third cousin from Atlanta (Jane) has persuaded me to post this story (and soon to be more, maybe) on my blog because she says they really happened to her or something. She is 34 years old, is still stuck in the 80’s, and has a “Valley Girl” speech impediment that I want to apologize for in advance. They’re funny stories, so I’ve decided to post the DeRo story first.

I (Jane) was at like, my favorite support group, one Thursday night because I like, have a sincere fear of Elvis. It’s totally a great group of people. My friends David, Ella, Mary, and Alvin especially helped me get through that horrible voicemail of “Heartbreak Hotel” I got from a prankster. David is a doctor totally frightened of malpractice lawsuits, Ella is trying to get over her ex-husband who left her for a Shania Twain karaoke singer, Mary is trying to get over her urges during church services to run up and down the center aisle screaming curse words, and Alvin is sooo totally obsessed with chipmunks.

Anyways, this was a special Thursday night because we like, had a local celebrity (and really dreamy guy) in our midst. He was Mark DeRosa, Atlanta Braves utilityman wearing his tight uniform, which enhanced every inch of this taut, defined muscles that were shining with sweat when he ripped his shirt open and oh my God! I like, totally almost let you into my Mark DeRosa fantasy! I feel totally retarded! Well, we were wondering why in the name of Culture Club would this perfect man with a beautiful wife and millions of dollars come to our support group (even though it totally was the best).

We like, came in and sat down, and since he was new, he had to like introduce himself (which there was no need for, as he was like, wearing that tight uni with his name on the back of it) and state his problem. His problem (in his words):

“I’m so damn tired of Chipper the jerk! He hogs all of the Braves’ attention and he stole my spot at third base! Why him? Just because I was in a 3 for 55 slump doesn’t mean he should get to come in and take over because he’s hotter than me! I know! I know exactly what’s going on! It’s a Hooters conspiracy!”

Gag me with a spoon!!! My face totally matched my neon red Day-Glo shirt I was so embarrassed for him! I like, blushed soooooo much!!! Then he like, totally started crying and ran away! We like, still reserve that seat to this day just for him and his totally tight ass though. Oh my God! I am soooooo sorry! I totally was fantasizing again!!! I guess you should like, consider yourselves lucky, because I like, totally could have let you into my Sting and George Michael fantasy.

And there it is. I don’t know if I will post anymore of them though…they’re pretty wack. Maybe by special request from you three that read this (or is there three?). By the way, this is fan fiction, not fact for you gullible people out there. If you would like your baseball fan fic posted on The Chop Shop, send to Emilee with some subject relating to “fanfic” at


New Blog

I really want to put my Photoshop to use on my blog, I just can't figure out to post Photoshop-edited pictures on Blogger. I could use some help. Email me at if you wanna help me out or just leave a comment, cause I really want to start doing good things for this blog and improving it.


All Apologies

Sorry for the long hiatus! Pretty soon I'll be eating every blog's face with many many Hotness Evaluations. Anyways, ALL I have been doing is playing softball (fastpitch) for my high school. Our coach makes us practice every single day, but due to Hurricane Frances showing North Georgia a little love, our game got rained out so I got a little break. Our team is not that great; we just started fastpitch three years ago, so our pitching is really far behind. We used to kill everybody at slowpitch though. We made Sweet Sixteen (at least) like every year. I play out field. I'm known for my defense more than my offense though, let's just say that. I'm the Torii Hunter of my team when it comes to outfield defense. I can get my hits, but I bunt a lot too, cause I'm pretty fast. If I sound like I'm bragging, I'm not, I'm just pretty confident in my abilites.



Well, it's that time of year. I hate Pre-Calculus already, ugh. Well, only two years left for this high school junior. I'll try to update as much as possible, though.



Los Angeles Dodgers Hotness Evaluation Let's see if that trade made them hotter. Dodgers Starting Pitching Brad Penny-0/10 Jeff Weaver-0/10 Ewww. Ugly hair. Kaz Ishii-0/10 Odalis Perez-0/10 I wish he was still a Brave, though. Jose Lima-0/10 Dodgers Bullpen Wilson Alvarez-0/10 Good God... Yhency Brazoban- guess! 0/10 Giovanni Carrara- 0/10 Eric Gagne- 0/10 Man, he's a great closer. But he needs to lose the glasses, facial hair, and some weight. Darren Dreifort-1.5/10 Kinda pale. Duaner Sanchez-1/10 Could've been a 2 if not for the Gagne-like goggles. Dodgers Catchers Brent Mayne-0/10 Ugh. Not him again (D'backs Evaluation). David Ross-2/10 A kinda cute face. Dodgers Infielders Adrian Beltre-1/10 Hee Seop Choi- 1/10 Alex Cora-1.5/10 Jose Hernandez-0/10 Cesar Izturis-0/10 Olmedo Saenz-0/10 Robin Ventura-2.5/10 Dodgers Outfielders Milton Bradley-3/10 Could be higher if he wasn't such a baby. Steve Finley-0/10 Jason Grabowski-0/10 Shawn Green-5/10 Jayson Werth-8/10 Hottie alert!!! Pitching Rotation's Average Hotness-0 Bullpen's Average Hotness-0.42Pitching Staff's Average Hotness-0.21Catchers' Average Hotness-1Infielders' Average Hotness-0.86Outfielders' Average Hotness-3.2 L.A. Dodgers' Average Hotness-1.32Final Analysis: Those outfielders picked up the slack! [...]


Jason Marquis

Who does this little moron think he is? We gave you three years to succeed and you didn't even do that somewhat! You wouldn't be anything without Leo and the Braves, crapface!


manny ramirez's defense = pure, unadulterated comedy. (image)


Tired of Chipper's Crap
I am EXASPERATED with Larry Jr. Yeah, I know you pulled your hammy, but there is no excuse if you can't hit two months after it happened. I am getting so tired of him (and I know I'm going to get hell for this) that I think he should be sent to AAA Richmond to learn how to hit again. Nick "Bronco" Green or Gilly should play third until he gets his "confidence" back or whatever excuse Chuck Dowdle from Channel 2 said. I was about to lash out at Andruw, but his defense is just too good, he's starting to hit the ball the other way more (6 game hitting streak), and he is still on pace to hit 30 home runs and 100 RBI, which is fine by me even with a .258 BA as long as you're getting on base a lot and scoring runs. I had confidence Chipper was breaking out, but now he's went 0-for-11 in the last three games. I really think we might be wasting our time waiting on him when we know Bronco can hit .280 and play relatively good D. Chipper could be a contributing factor if we don't win division.
I guess all of that Hooters girl crap is catching up to him.....


Them Battlin' Braves
Ahhhhhh, we should have won that game last night; but anyways, we really have battled back to show people what we're all about. And we're all about winning the NL East (candi, sorry for the awful title and starting a sentence with "and" in this post; I'm lazy today).

I honestly thought we could win division at the beginning of the year. I didn't just now jump on the bandwagon. There's only one thing that concerns me.

If you look at where all of the Braves' division flags are at Turner Field, well...there's not room for another one, plus it's number thirteen anyways. I do believe in curses and superstitions, too. How could you not by watching the Red Sox and Cubs for the past century or so?

I really do feel for the Cubs. I think if they're ever even going to make it back to the World Series, it's going to be unexpected, just like their making it to the NLCS last year. Now Mark Prior is hurt again, and the unlikely Cardinals have ran away with the division. Heck, with the Cubs' luck, the Astros will have a surge and win Wild Card.



remember when the Braves were this bad? Well, I don't. Cause I wasn't even alive, ha ha!!!! (image)


Y'all Hate Me, I Swear.

Nobody has sent in baseball stories. C'mon guys!!! I'm trying to make this blog show a little feedback!!! Send me a story at!!!! Subject: Chop Shop!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!

Well, at least the Braves have been exciting lately.


Texas Rangers Hotness Evaluation

In my eyes losing Pay-Rod made this team even better in more than one way…

Rangers Starting Pitching

Kenny Rogers-0.5/10

Joaquin Benoit-0/10

Ryan Drese-0/10
Man, this staff is pretty dang ugly.

Nick Bierbrodt-3/10
Kinda cute.

John Wasdin-0/10

Rangers Bullpen

Carlos Almanzar-0/10
Bad start for the relief.

Francisco Cordero-0/10

Frank Francisco-0/10

Ron Mahay-1/10
That’s a courtesy point more than anything.

Erasmo Ramirez-(can’t find pic)

Brian Shouse-0/10

Doug Brocail- negative1/10
Has a very ugly bushy goatee.

Ricardo Rodriguez-0.5/10

Rangers Catchers

Rod Barajas-1.5/10

Ken Huckaby-0/10
Not hot, but has a cool name.

Rangers Infielders

Hank Blalock-1/10
Has a scrunchy face.

Herbert Perry-0/10

Alfonso Soriano-2/10
I love Alf’s swing, just way too skinny for my tastes.

Mark Teixeira-2.5/10
Has a nice, nice build.

Eric Young-0/10

Michael Young-5/10
The next hot superstar.

Rangers Outfielders and DH

David Dellucci-3/10
Mama mia, I love Italians.

Jason Conti-0/10

Gary Matthews-2/10

Kevin Mench-0/10

Brad Fullmer (DH)-1.5/10

  • Pitching Rotation’s Average Hotness-0.7…yeccccchhh

  • Bullpen’s Average Hotness-.07…oh geez

  • Pitching Staff’s Average Hotness-0.39….yeah I am definitely too tough

  • Catchers’ Average Hotness-0.75

  • Infielders’ Average Hotness-1.75

  • Outfielders and DH’s Average Hotness-1.3

Texas Rangers’ Average Hotness-1.05
Final Analysis: I was kinda disappointed by this; I thought they were going to be much higher.



That was really cool!!!! Now I can post pics to my blog!!! Anyways, the Braves haven't been that interesting lately, so I was gonna start a little feature up called "My Experiences With Pro Baseball Players". What I was gonna do is have whoever is reading this, if you have a semi-interesting story about well...your experiences with a pro baseball player (which includes minor leagues, too; they are also professionals). Just email your story to me at and I'll see what I can do. If no one sends any, I will be forced to post my own (the Glenn Hubbard story, the Javy story, the two Gryboski stories, the DeRo and Marquis story, and much more). I will try to post one every week or so.

Still working on the Texas Rangers Hotness Evaluation.


I just thought all of us ladies needed to see this... (image)


Could this be the start of something????

I'm praying that the huge win we got yesterday will jump start this team. They need it. And was it not like the most dramatic thing EVER when all they needed was a sacrifice fly from Javy and Smoltz strikes him out on all sliders? That was a huge huge win; it made me very happy.

About the Russ and Andruw for Mags and prospects trade:
Well, now it's most likely not going to happen because the ChiSox just got Freddy Garcia. I would've loved for it to happen though; Druw and Russ have been disappointing thus far and you can put Mags down for a .320 hitter with 100 RBI. It would have evened out our rotation, too.

BTW, I only watched 1 hour of the Braves that whole week I was in the Outer Banks. It was a much needed break. I come back, and the first game I watch we get an awesome win. I had a great vacation, though. Ya know, I think it's about time for another Hotness Evaluation Texas Rangers-style.


Gimme A Break

....when in reality I've never seen any of you people at all. I'm totally off of the Braves right now. The offense has been mediocre, defense has sucked, starting pitching has been inconsistent, and our bullpen has totally melted down. Unless we turn it around really really quick, this season is a lost cause. I mean, these interleague games are ones we should've been winning. We should've taken the series from the Royals and I think we lost the series to the White Sox, too. And we lost to the INDIANS last night!!!! No offense to Indians fans, but y'all have a really awful bullpen that we didn't manage to do crap off of. Chipper's hitting like .209; I remember talking on the Braves message boards about we thought he was gonna really step it up this year and have his best season yet. We thought that about Andruw, too. Instead, no one's stepped up. Well, it's a good thing I'm leaving tonight to go the Outer Banks Islands in North Carolina for a week...I need a break from the Braves.


Back on Track

I thought last night's game was over very early on. But clutch hits by Johnny "The Clutcher" Estrada, Nick "Bronco" Green, and J.D. "Country Boy" Drew won us the game. The defense in this game scared me though, particularly Furcal's. DeRosa had 2 hits and didn't make an error. I'm telling y'all, it's all me! His future (or autographed baseball) in is my hands!!! I was wanting to turn the TV off in the 8th, but something just told me not to; something told me to keep watching the game. It's too bad about Chipper though; apparently this injury will be on him all year like a hobo on a steak.

Let's see if we can get the sweep tonight.

Note to Bobby Cox: Mike Hessman SUCKS. Put Eli at first for the sake of our season.


The Bullpen Chapel

Looks like the Braves have the God bullpen, which is really cool. I think they need to be praying full-time for our wounded Choppers as they tomahawk into battle. Check out the wounded:

1. Marcus Giles:out 6-8 weeks, broken collarbone

2. Adam LaRoche:(this was a weird injury) out 4-6 weeks, collarbone

3. Horacio Ramirez:(our most consistent pitcher!!!), 15-day DL, tendonitis in left shoulder

4. Chipper Jones: probably out 2 weeks, just because.

It's been pretty tough to be a Richmond uh, I mean Atlanta Braves fan lately, hasn't it???


"The new all-time low"

I know Chipper said that a while back, but this is our new all-time low. Reasons:

1. Chipper will be out for like two weeks now with a bruise.

2. We have stranded WAY too many baserunners lately.

3. Adam LaRoche is a freakin dumbass. Why the hell did he even run on that play???? And just because DeRosa didn't slide into home doesn't mean you can just run into the catcher too. Now you're hurt, and...oh God now we have MIKE HESSMAN at first base. WHY???? Why can't he just stay away? It doesn't matter how much he is tearing it up in Richmond, he's still gonna strike out in 2/3 of his AB's!!! That is one of very few things I don't like about Bobby Cox: his willingness to bring up sucky players. I don't care how much heart they have; if they can't play, they don't need to come up and make our club worse.

4. Andruw taking too many homerun cuts. That's the signal for an impending Andruw slump.

5. Gryboski. Why put him in that situation? Hasn't he already walked in the tying run this year anyways? This is where you've got to put Smoltz in. You're supposed to put your ace in these situations.

5. Antonio Awfulseca. Why did Bobby feel the need to leave him in? He almost let the tie get away in the 9th, why would you leave him in for the 10th? All you are doing is asking for trouble. Why not put in Smoltzie? Smoltz should've been in when Gryboski screwed up. John hasn't walked anybody this year.

6. Eddie Perez. I also don't know why Bobby feels the need to put Eddie in for Estrada when Horacio pitches. Now we suck even more, and if you keep taking Estrada out, when Horacio pitches our lineup is gonna rank with the worst in the MLB. But I guess that's okay, right? You get to play Eddie, a really nice guy who has a veteran influence and can't hit a watermelon, right? It's good that you can put your friends in.

I guess you can tell I'm really disgusted right now.



Obviously no one likes to comment, but I know people read this because on my site meter it says so, for at least two minutes.

But anyways, I'm just pumped cause the Braves are HOT right's hoping for a sweep of the Phillies(yeah I know, i'm getting over eager but hey, we're 500 now!)! DeRo's been hitting better, too. Okay I know this sounds really dumb, but listen:

My friend Gene (yes, the one who's mom was given a hotel room key by Kevin Gryboski...oh yeah I haven't mentioned that on here, more on that later) bought me an autographed DeRo ball for my b-day (March 7). Well, I used to kiss it everyday because he's so fine. Then I got out of the habit and he started playing bad. So about a week ago, I was talking to Gene on the phone and he told me to start kissing it again. So I did, and he's started to pick up his hitting.

Now the Gryboski story:
Gene's mom and sister Brandy (I think that's her name) were in a bar in San Francisco and they saw Darren Bragg, Kevin Gryboski, Marcus Giles, and Raffy there. They said that Raffy was trying to get with these girls and they turned him down, so Giles was giving him hell about it. Bragg was playing with Brandy's hair and said (and I quote) "You are so beautiful, you have the most beautiful hair". LOL!!! And Gryboski gave Gene's mom a key to his hotel room. So they left the bar and Gene's mom wanted to go to Gryboski's room, but Brandy wouldn't let her. But Gene did end up with an autographed napkin and his mom still has the room key.

You probably think I made all that up, but it's true. Just like when my dad saw Glenn Hubbard in McDonald's...ahhh I'm not gonna get into that unless that story's requested.

BTW, does anyone know when Meet and Greet Day is gonna be? Last year me and Gene went and we met Javy (blushes); this year we're targeting Smoltz. I'll type both Javy stories on here too, if they are requested. 'bout dem Reds? They are my dad's favorite team (he grew up with the Big Red Machine). Everyone knows they're not gonna be on top for long, but hey, it's good while it lasts, right?


Anyone alive out there?

....I really don't think anyone reads this, so I'm gonna give this a week to get at least 7 comments. If I don't, I very well may terminate this blog.

Good luck, Bravos.....(crying)


Arizona Diamondbacks Hotness Evaluation

Let's see if the D'backs are as hot as Phoenix. (That was dumb, but I'm pressing for something witty right now.)

D'backs Pitching Rotation

Brandon Webb-1.5/10

Steve Sparks-3/10

Randy Johnson-2/10
Not good looking at all, but that fastball, slider, and perfect game are hot in their own respect.

Casey Fossum-1.5/10

Casey Daigle-5/10
The goatee works here.

D'backs Bullpen

Brian Bruney-1/10

Randy Choate-0/10

Elmer Dessens-0/10

Andrew Good-0/10

Mike Koplove-negative 2/10
Looks like this guy took a cue from Jeff DaVanon with the PeeWee Herman look, but Mike also adds in a little Braden Looper horse teeth style.

Stephen Randolph-0/10

Jose Valverde-1/10
Here is your black Santa, folks...look at those cheeks!!!

D'backs Catchers

Robby Hammock-2/10
Looks remarkably like the Jason guy who's in the American Pie movies.

Brent Mayne-1.5/10
I think that's a bad picture.

D'backs Infielders

Carlos Baerga-0/10

Alex Cintron-1/10
Cute ears.

Scott Hairston-0/10

Shea Hillenbrand-0/10

Matt Kata-3/10
Whoa this guy kinda LOOKS like a snake...that's kinda sexy in a way...

Donnie Sadler-0/10

Chad Tracy-0/10
Is his hair really that color???

Richie Sexson-6.5/10
Richmond Lockwood Sexson (not kidding, that’s his name) helps out this team a lot, offensively and in hotness.

D'backs Outfielders

Danny Bautista-3.5/10

Steve Finley-1.5/10

Luis Gonzalez-0/10
WAY too skinny.

Pitching Rotation's Average Hotness-2.6
Bullpen's Average Hotness-0
Pitching Staff's Average Hotness-1.3
Catchers' Average Hotness-1.75
Infielders' Average Hotness-1.31...imagine how low it would be w/o Richie Sexyson I mean Sexson!!!
Outfielders' Average Hotness-1.67

Arizona Diamondbacks' Average Hotness: 1.51
I definitely think I am too tough, lol!!!


Quote of the Day

"Aye, aye, aye!!!"
~Ricky Ricardo (Desi Arnaz) when asked about the past two games the Atlanta Braves have played.


We Officially Suck (For now, anyways)

1. Problem:
Gilly's (my Gilly! MY GILLY!) out for 6-8 weeks. This is awful. Only a freak accident like this one could happen to Marcus. You know, I really don't understand why Andruw didn't call Gilly off, which is HIS job. That is something Andruw should know. I've played softball my whole life (outfield the past few years, too) and I even know that if you are in the outfield and you have to run up for a popup, you have to make sure you call it, so you don't pound the infielder. Geez, that was the worst collision I think I've ever saw. I'm sorry, but I really think this is Andruw's fault ALL the way.

What we should do about it:
Bring up Andy Marte, put him at third,and put DeRo (or ANYONE else for that matter) at second. I know you are thinking "Emilee, you are crazy for wanting to bring him from Greenville this early". But what harm could it do just until Giles got back? Two months at the MOST. We could get a really good look at him, and if he ends up doing better than DeRo the Zero, this could really pay off for the team. If he doesn't do well, send him back down. I can only pray Bobby Cox will read this and follow through (yeah right, who am I kidding?).

2. Problem:
Today's performance against the Brew Crew.

What we should do about it:
Well, there's really nothing to do about it now. Damn, I just wish Chipper would start doing something. Oh yeah, and Johnny did the right thing today by arguing that high and outside strike call. Nobody else was saying anything, ya know? Ben Sheets certainly was seriously wheelin and dealin though, wasn't he? I'm just glad it was him that was striking us out and not someone like Clemens or Javier Vazquez.


Get Into the Groove

WOW!!! The Braves actually won and Smoltzie got a hard save!!! This is how it needs to be. Chipper's started hitting again, Smoltzie's got his stuff back, bullpen is pitching great, etc. Guess who sat out though: if you guessed DeRo the Zero, you were right. And we won when he wasn't in!!! I wonder how Andy Marte's soon as we get him and Raffy in the lineup, we will have NL East. We're only 4 behind the Marlins, 2 behind the Phillies.

Workin on some stuff...catch ya later.