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Preview: equivocality


Teacher of the heart.

Last Build Date: Mon, 23 Apr 2018 12:18:16 +0000


a reckless careening of emotions and actions

Sun, 01 Apr 2018 04:02:43 +0000

That’s how you described yourself, soon after your dad died. A girl lost in grief, trying to drink and smoke and work and fuck her way out. Living her life like she was the only one who hadn’t figured out what to do with it. It’s hard to imagine you being so sad once. Or […]

Princess Dolly 2003–2018

Thu, 08 Mar 2018 15:59:07 +0000

Dolores was more than a pet. She was capable of profound love (or burning hatred), and that loyalty made her feel more like a little person than a companion. With the ability to recognize people through windows, I’d often find her sitting on the sill at the front of the house, waiting to greet me […]

it’s complicated

Fri, 02 Feb 2018 20:33:26 +0000

At the very least, theirs was a friendship of unusual ardor. Terms like “acquaintance”, “friend”, and “lover” tend to denote defined roles. This makes for convenient social constructs, where we have an idea of the nature of the relationship, even when not directly involved. Responsibilities of one group — care, affection, respect, commitment, trust, will […]

almost like the blues

Sun, 07 Jan 2018 20:39:17 +0000

Now in the dark world where I dwell, ugly things, and surprising things, and sometimes little wondrous things, spill out in me constantly, and I can count on nothing. —A Scanner Darkly Winter has traditionally been a difficult time. In my youth, the holidays were filled with family gatherings where I never found my place1. […]

keeping the rage tender

Thu, 05 Oct 2017 10:36:50 +0000

Fall has fallen, and I was ready. I was waiting. I was trapped for months on end, when my body wouldn’t cooperate or anxiety got the better of me. Even hearing Townes Van Zandt sing to me about snow in Raton was enough to make me miss winter again. I’d live vicariously in any form […]

Six Feet Deep

Tue, 12 Sep 2017 21:57:46 +0000

WARNING: Massive spoilers ahead. An old girlfriend introduced me to Six Feet Under more than a decade ago, but it turned into such a grind that I managed to finish the series only last week. There’s a lot of complex drama without stability to balance it out, a lot more tension than resolution. One of […]

can we speak in flowers?

Sun, 30 Jul 2017 15:11:18 +0000

Tiana recently shared this great article with me. It’s written as a guide for personal growth within one’s relationships, but I find myself well familiar with the concepts it covers; being accountable, empathetic, grateful, introspective, and responsible are all things that tend to come naturally to me. I’ve also been actively working on (or struggling […]

to drink all damage into love

Wed, 21 Jun 2017 20:54:45 +0000

My three-year anniversary with Heather came and went without fanfare or ceremony (or even notice, on my part). Our time together went by in a blink; being chronically single for me, and trapped in an abusive relationship for her, made the three years prior to that feel like an eternity by comparison for each of […]

whales in the bodies of tiny fish

Fri, 02 Jun 2017 12:44:02 +0000

It’s been months since I had an appointment with my therapist. I’ve needed the time to work on myself before making further progress with him; a sign that I’m at a point where there’s a sense of direction, instead of relentless confusion and dread. Now it’s a matter of absorbing the concepts I should know […]

escape artist

Thu, 04 May 2017 15:01:54 +0000

“Suzanne is forty years old and has never had a close relationship. She spends most of her spare time reading books and browsing the web. Suzanne is most comfortable with casual, friendly relationships where nothing very personal is discussed. Suzanne is married to a man who is out of touch with his feelings. He’s more […]