Comments on Midwifery Ramblings: Personal Ramblings

Hi! We are moving to Cedar City in next month fro...

2009-08-29T17:05:58.938-07:00

Hi! We are moving to Cedar City in next month from South Carolina and I ran across your blog when looking at midwives in the area. (Not expecting, just "thinking".) :-) Thought I'd drop you a note and maybe get to know you a little! You can contact me through the link in my profile.... I'd love to be able to email you.

To everything there is a season, and right now, it...

2009-08-25T14:29:02.281-07:00

To everything there is a season, and right now, it's hard to see ahead and understand that things will change and your feelings will too.

You lost a baby and you need time to grieve that loss as well as time to renew yourself so you can celebrate the husband and kids that you have.

I hope you'll reach out and find support around you, perhaps a grief support group or personal counseling. Hire a local babysitter and give yourself some "me" time. Make it a point to have one fun moment each day with the kiddos--aiming for fun can ease the tension and fighting.

Sending you a hug.

I love womantowomancbe/Kathy's answer. I just...

2009-08-02T15:33:25.597-07:00

I love womantowomancbe/Kathy's answer.

I just want to say don't give up. My pastor often says, "If you don't quit, you win." Don't give up.

My husband is not very compassionate, either. There are MANY, MANY, MANY good things about him, but sometimes, when I just want a comforting squeeze around the shoulders... well, I just know I'm never going to get that. So, I have to go elsewhere for comfort -- just in prayer (even if I feel like a hyprocrite -- my husband says, "Worship is always right"), or to a friend... and I think Kayce's suggestion of an online support group may help, too!

So, for now, concentrate on the things about your husband that you love, that you admire, that you appreciate, or I can guarantee you you'll become overwhelmed by bitterness for him, since he's not "feeding" you where you need it right now. And, even if you feel like he doesn't "deserve" it, and even through your unrecognized grief, make certain not to neglect him. If cleaning the house, etc., is important to him, maybe ask him each day, "What's the ONE thing that you want me to prioritize today, and make certain it gets done?" That way, what he wants isn't getting overlooked -- he'll know you're prioritizing him. But, by asking for his ONE thing, neither will it overwhelm you.

Oh, wow. Well, first I'd say that you need to...

2009-08-02T13:31:17.879-07:00

Oh, wow.Well, first I'd say that you need to give yourself *much* more time to grieve a miscarriage than just a month. I just recently was doing some research and came across a scholarly article that noted that women who had a miscarriage had grief, depression, [insert other negative emotion here], for up to two years afterwards. I've never had a miscarriage, but it sounds like what you're experiencing is normal. I would be devastated, and I don't think a few weeks would return me back to the way I was. In fact, you may never return to the old "normal" but will instead find a "new normal."My father died in a car wreck 10 years ago. I struggled a good deal with the concept of God's sovereignty working its way out so painfully in my life; looking for the silver cloud and finding none. But the reality is, that it was necessary for me to go through that deep grief to better suit me for my husband. Very likely, something like this is currently at work in your life -- God has you on the potter's wheel, forming you into something better than you currently are. It's painful at times, as pieces of the clay are pushed down, stretched up, or even taken away entirely. This will undoubtedly make you better able to comfort another woman who will grieve over a miscarriage.Sometimes the emotions from my father's death **still** feel completely fresh to me. Most of the time I'm fine, but sometimes, something happens that makes me catch my breath from the emotions that surge up. It may never go away; but I don't think I'm being too dramatic about it -- probably the opposite -- in other societies or just a few generations ago, we'd be allowed more time and space to grieve our losses (widows used to wear mourning clothes for 7 years), and expect to grieve more openly -- look at the Psalms and you'll see David frequently crying, crying out, complaining about his trials, being burdened. I read something recently that said that there were more Psalms of complaint than of praise; or at least that there was a high percentage of complaining Psalms. This from "the man after God's own heart," and "the sweet Psalmist of Israel"; the man who "meditated on Thy law, both day and night."I think you did right to "cast your cares upon Him" -- He alone can bear them. Plus, you have ample evidence of David doing exactly the same thing in the Psalms. There are many times when he asked "WHY??"I doubt your hormonal levels have returned to normal, which is probably contributing to your emotional state. Make sure you take care of yourself, with lots of nutrition."The Heart of Anger" by Lou Priolo is an excellent book on child training. But I will warn you, it first requires you to look in your own heart and see problems there. Not easy, but necessary. The author noted that many times parents would come to him with problems with their children, and after just one or two counseling sessions *with the parents alone* the children's problems would diminish and eventually go away.Most importantly, I would suggest the book "The Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie O'Martian. You can't really change your husband. Tony Evans, a preacher, says, "Submission is you ducking so that GOD can hit your husband!" I like that line. It helps me. I know where you're coming from on husbands who expect you to know where everything is, even when *they* misplaced it (I don't know about your husband, but mine usually doesn't believe that *he* was the one who put it where it didn't belong; I know better, but I usually keep my mouth shut... biting my tongue [almost literally] to keep from saying something -- because it doesn't matter if you're right and he's wrong, it still descends into an argument, and then nobody wins). Afraid I can't help you in that particular department; and I've not in any way "arr[...]

Wow, sounds tough! I know this may not help, but f...

2009-08-02T11:33:10.305-07:00

Wow, sounds tough! I know this may not help, but finding a counselor, even someone though your church, to talk to might be very good for you now. Maybe even taking your husband a couple of times after you've been going for a while. I hate knowing I've gotten that far and that I am unable to heal myself. But every once in a while, getting a new perspective and sharing your feelings with someone who won't judge may help.

Take a little vacation w/ your husband or even by yourself. Sounds like you haven't had time to recover or maybe even don't know how yet!

You are definitely not alone. I was like this aft...

2009-08-02T11:23:45.866-07:00

You are definitely not alone. I was like this after my second miscarriage, and I joined an online support group. It really helped.

Just know I'm here if you need help.

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