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Step into my world

Hello everyone! My name is Jessica Stephanie and I live in south Florida. I go to school at Fau for Biology and Chemistry. I hope to one day go to Nova for grad school. I'm gay. It was hard but I came out about it two years ago. My parents are not talking

Last Build Date: Fri, 03 Oct 2014 04:44:26 +0000


The small things I miss

Sun, 06 Apr 2008 07:41:00 +0000

All those back scratches
pimple popping nights
All those late night laughs
and those in creditable stares
All those smiles from across the room
and knowing I was going home with you
I miss those simple times
but we both know
life just gets harder from here
and we are at a point in our life
were we have been frozen in a moment of time
Where we find truth and reaquant
Maybe you will like me
Maybe you won't


Do I regret? Do I love? Do I hate?

Sun, 30 Mar 2008 21:17:00 +0000

I do anything to get my mind off of it. Clean my car, play with my kids, study... lots of study. I bullshit with friends, I go to work, and late at night, I toss and turn. I worry about all the chaos around me. I lay there at 3am hot and both cold when all is asleep. I cry cause I can finally let it out without anyone hearing. I'm tired of being their strong one. I'm writing in my head and I confirm it to myself. I try and I push those sad thoughts aside. Work, school, money, family, Amy. I think clear... the clearest it been in a long while. I see that all my actions will always cause a reaction and its up to me to make it a positive one. Life has lots of lessons to be learned, it's up to me to be the wise one. I once had this special bond that could make it all okay. All she really had to do was to smile and it would ease my pain away. I look at her from time to time to just smile but our emotions are somewhere between love and hate. We have some kinda of partial relationship going on where our emotions still get behind of our fate. I ask myself... do I regret? Do I love? Do I hate? These are the questions I ask myself. I do love; and from time to time I can feel you, I can smell you, I can hear you. I feel it in my soul that I love you. And while I long for you, I can not let you know. Do I love you enough to let you go? I ask myself. Yes, I love you enough to let you go but that would be a great tragedy to our love story. Right now we have frozen to bring it back to the beginning. The much needed beginning. We no longer move forward until we both change. I like some of our changes and I hope they give our love a rebirth. Without any regrets, without any hate, without any tension. Do I hate? From time to time, yes I do hate. I feel this award tension between us. That I hate. I hate whatever it was that causes me to take everything out on you. For gods sake, I made love to you for years and why couldn't I open up to you? With all being sad and done, I realize that most of the reason why we didn't get along before was my own insecurity's and cause I lacked the ability to put words together in a sentence structure that actually had meaning to Amy. So here I am, trying to be very clear with everything I'm saying. I hate our mistakes. And maybe some of those mistakes were never completely forgiven. Its like our heart turned sour. Do I regret? This is the loaded question. I don't regret you. When you met me, I was kinda heading down the wrong road. With late nights, and early mornings, my path was truly doomed. You gave me that gold at the end of the rainbow, that reason to reach high in a low point in my life. To get past it and grow up. You helped because you gave me inspiration and put me back on my path that I stumbled off long ago. For now, I push forward. Forward to the next day. Because I do know how this rebuilding process goes. When those times come, where I might regret it all, I picture your smile and those beautiful eyes. I regret not seizing those bad days.While I should have done this long ago, I like living at home. We should have given each other space, and this is one lessoned that was learned. I like being around my family even thou they drive me crazy. You and Justin did give me something out of all of this. I have been myself to them because nothing can compare to my brother at this point. We were very open and honest when I moved back home. I told my mother about the depression she has caused in any kind of relationship in the past couple of years. I opened my heart to her and I told her how I felt for the first time my whole life and she listened. She really fucking listened. No criticism. No blame. No hate. I told her what Justin is going through with his depression, I went through it too. I got the same verbal abuse by my drunk father all the time too. And she remembered. She is proud that when I was 17, I didn't turn to drugs to deal and instead I turned to books. She is proud of my life thus far... gay or not. Wither I wanted[...]


Sun, 30 Mar 2008 16:27:00 +0000

I think about you all the time, I think about what I've lost all the time. I regret alot and it seems like I'm regreting more and more. I believe I've had a pretty fair life. God hasn't humbled me much. I think there was a time when I didn't have a care in the world. I thought tomorrow would always come. Tomorrow doesn't always come and god humbled me to show me. He took me off my high rains and beat me with a pole. He took everything that was given to me and worked hard. He took away my cuddle buddy, my lover, my everything. And when I don't know about tomorrow, I'm just reminded that I was humbled.To be humbled-hum·ble /ˈhʌmbəl, ˈʌm-/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronuncia[huhm-buhl, uhm-] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation adjective, -bler, -blest, verb, -bled, -bling. –adjective 1.not proud or arrogant; modest: to be humble although successful. 2.having a feeling of insignificance, inferiority, subservience, etc.: In the presence of so many world-famous writers I felt very humble. 3.low in rank, importance, status, quality, etc.; lowly: of humble origin; a humble home. 4.courteously respectful: In my humble opinion you are wrong. 5.low in height, level, etc.; small in size: a humble member of the galaxy. –verb (used with object) lower in condition, importance, or dignity; abase. destroy the independence, power, or will of. make meek: to humble one's heart.[...]

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 02:48:00 +0000

To be humbled- Near the ground; not high or lofty; not pretentious or magnificent; unpretending; unassuming; as, a humble cottage.

I see now that this is my time to be humbled. It was way over due. I had a magnificent life and then it was all taken away. I was striped of almost everything wonderful in my life and left with near nothing. I see this was my lesson because I wasn't paying attention. Maybe I was too argent and didn't think this would happen to me. I was wrong... I was humbled to take me back my place. My place where I must rebuild alone.

a special world for you and me

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 16:46:00 +0000

A special world for you and me
A special bond one cannot see
It wraps us up in its cocoon
And holds us fiercely in its womb.

Its fingers spread like fine spun gold
Gently nestling us to the fold
Like silken thread it holds us fast
Bonds like this are meant to last.

And though at times a thread may break
A new one forms in its wake
To bind us closer and keep us strong
In a special world, where we belong.

fade away

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 16:30:00 +0000

I still miss you...
But not like I did before.
The intense aching I felt,
Isn't there anymore.

I still whisper your name...
Not as often as I used to.
Now it may be once,
Before the day is through.

I still hear your voice...
Replaying in my mind.
But it's fading now,
Soon silence I will find.

I still long for you...
To feel your touch.
But it's not like before,
I don't dream it as much.

I still think about you...
And wonder how you are.
But my feelings have changed,
And they don't go as far.

I still feel you sometimes...
Maybe you're thinking of me?
Or maybe it's just a little memory,
Of how it used to be.

I still love you...
But it's just not as strong.
Because I'm letting you go now,
So we can both move on.

I still hear you say...
No one will love me like you do.
That's so hard to believe now,
After the hurt you put me through.

You still have a piece of my heart..
Because I always felt you here.
Now, I'm hoping and praying,
That, that too, will quickly disappear.

This will be my last goodbye..
I've nothing else to say.
Everything I felt for you,
Can now just fade away.

A new pain begins

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 16:43:00 +0000

When love ends,
A new pain begins..
An empty feeling,
A broken spirit that needs healing.
Emotions hard to control,
A tattered heart, hard to console.
Dreams so shattered,
Unspoken thoughts left scattered.
No answers to be found..
Only to the pain you are bound.

When love ends,
Misery sets in..
You're left to fight it alone.
Into a battle of heart and mind, you are thrown.
Trying to forget the one in your heart..
While you slowly fall apart.
Drifting away from a love you knew,
Is so much easier to say than to do.
Pain that leaves you feeling drained,
A lonely feeling, hard to explain.

When love ends...
A new pain begins.

My mind drifts back

Sat, 07 Apr 2007 16:37:00 +0000

As I lay on my bed
And stare into space
My mind drifts back
To the memory of your face

The memory of the first time
That you smiled at me
And made me dream of you
And what we could be

The memory of the night
That we shared our first kiss
That feeling of wonder
That feeling of bliss

The memory of the moment
That you said "I love you"
And promised me one day
That you'd say "I Do"

The memory of the day
That you said "Goodbye"
And left me alone
Just wanting to die

The memory of the pain
When I next saw your face
And you turned away
Filled with disgrace

The memory of you
As you walked away
And just left me there
With nothing to say

The memories begin to fade
Until I can no longer see your face
You leave me alone again
Just staring into space

Sun, 21 Jan 2007 08:38:00 +0000

she's got a smile that would make the most senile, annoying old man bite his tongue...i'm not doneshe's got eyes comparable to sunrise,and it doesn't stop i swear.she's got porcelain skin of course she's a ten, and now she's even got her own song....but movin' onshe's got the cutest laugh i ever heardand we can be on the phone for three hours, not sayin' one wordand i would still cherish every momentand when i start to build my future she's the main componentcall it dumb call it luck call it love or whatever you call it but...everywhere i go i keep her picture in my wallet like you.

Thu, 31 Aug 2006 16:41:00 +0000

She has the ablity to make me do anything I'm scared of(image)  (image)

Sat, 15 Jul 2006 07:07:00 +0000

Just six weeks away

Wed, 14 Jun 2006 05:24:00 +0000

"stupid cunt" she says... nice to see what this has turned into

When I'm in your arms

Mon, 12 Jun 2006 05:04:00 +0000

Oh - thinkin' about our younger yearsThere was only you and meWe were young and wild and freeNow nothin' can take you away from meWe been down that road beforeBut that's over nowYou keep me comin' back for more
[CHORUS:]And baby you're all that I wantWhen you're lyin' here in my armsI'm finding it hard to believeWe're in heavenAnd lovin' is all that I needAnd I found it there in your heartIsn't too hard to seeWe're in heavenOh - once in your life you find someoneWho will turn your world aroundPick you up when you're feelin' downNow nothin' can change what you mean to meThere's a lot that I can sayJust hold me nowCause our love will light the way
[CHORUS:]N' baby you're all that I wantWhen you're lyin' here in my armsI'm finding it hard to believeWe're in heavenAnd lovin' is all that I needAnd I found it there in your heartIsn't too hard to seeWe're in heavenI've been waitin' for so longFor something to arriveFor love to come alongNow our dreams are comin' trueThrough the good times and the badI'll be standin' there by you
[CHORUS:]And baby you're all that I wantWhen you're lyin' here in my armsI'm finding it hard to believeWe're in heavenAnd lovin' is all that I needAnd I found it there in your heartIsn't too hard to seeWe're in heavenOhh, Ahh..We're in heaven

New times astrology

Sun, 11 Jun 2006 07:30:00 +0000

And how it hits so close and so true...

Libra: Thinking outside of the box to find creative solutions to obstinate problems sometimes leads to brilliant breakthoughs. Other times it results in laughable breakdowns. And in some cases, it generates changes that are a blend of brillant breakthough and laughable breakdown. You're now flirting with this third variety. So is there anything you can do to nudge your innovations more in the direction of breakthough and away from breakdown? Yes. First, make sure your experimental urges are driven by expansiveness and generosity, not revenge, envy, or fear. Second, trust the feelings in your body to give you important clues. Third, get your ego out of the way as much as is humanly possible...

Wow... when she read it... I had to laugh because I see the signs

Tue, 06 Jun 2006 22:19:00 +0000

what would you do if you thought you found that someone. that one person that makes everything okay, that stops the world from spinning. the one who motivates you to do what you thought you couldn't handle. life. the one person that you can spend forever with because you think they fit just right.
what would you do if they weren't everything they said. if you found out one day that you really knew little about them. everything was some kinda lie. their manipulated childhood, their first look, the first promise, the first kiss, the first i love you. all of it was never real if you linger on your fucking past love. love how god made everything to my fabricated liking... heaven right? ya right!

i figureg/hoped it was only something to that effect with your phone... and today you should know for some odd reason i've had a smile on my face almost all day, woke up in a spectacular mood compared to the last few... love you and miss you too... until later...

Original Message ----------------- From: bespectacled vixen Date: Jun 2, 2006 5:02 AM Okay, I am SO sorry for not texting/calling. My phone's working for local calls... in Ireland. So, I got here safe, and I love and miss you tons. Keep smiling, love, the world needs it. I love you. And miss you, but that goes without saying.

Original Message ----------------- From: Amy Date: Jun 1, 2006 1:50 PM hello you... ok for starters I miss you, all of you, but especially YOU... it seems I think about you more when your away or maybe that's my perception, but i'm trying to keep away from rambling... so I just wanted to wish you well, and hope you are having the most splendid time possible... and are in the most beautiful of landscapes... I love you with all my heart... toodles schnoodle

Tue, 16 May 2006 17:25:00 +0000

First of all, love is a joint experience between two persons- but the fact that it is a joint experience does not mean that it is a similar experience to the two people involved. There are the lover and the beloved, but these two come from different countries. Often the beloved is only a stimulus for all the stored-up love which has lain quiet within the lover for a long time hitherto. And somehow every lover for a long time in his soul that his love is a solitary thing. He comes to know a new, strange loneliness and it is this knowledge which makes him suffer. So there is only one thing for the lover to do. He must house his love within himself as best he can; he must create for himself a whole new inward world- a world intense and strange, complete in himself. Let it be added here that this lover about whom we speak need not necessarily be a young man saving for a wedding ring- this lover can be man, woman, child, or indeed any human creature on this earth.

Sat, 13 May 2006 16:33:00 +0000

so now... parents... dad is okay... hard to keep the secret. mom... wow... that another story. i have to get out again. like this is bullshit. i thought i would at least be able to stay another few months... like uptil the summer but she is driving me mad. i cant smoke... pot too. cant drink... have to be home by nine or ten... i can't see amy... yeah right. i feel right around her. i finally feel love like unbelieveable love. so i changed my plans again and things didnt work. now im looking for a roommate again. sucks since im going back to school this fall but im sure it will work out. i havent really gotten any better at telling people my true location. well i have to amy... she


Because I've turned into someone I once hated

Thu, 11 May 2006 14:45:00 +0000

And my heart broke again today... What happens when you find something your not suppose to find? The feeling of regret sits in. Saddness blurs your vision. I know you think about her often... I feel it and see it all the time. Now I just have my proof. I should have not read her shit but i did. I have to protect myself... I've learned that when I don't... I get fucked in the end. I've put my trust in the wrong people before and I should have seen the signs but I was blinded from them. I just want things to be true between us. No lies No regrets. The second I found this, i began to regret looking for it... fuck it I found it and now it stays on my shoulders. This is something I can't bring up to you without me looking like the jackass for even finding it. Just know that I can't fall completely for you if someone else is on your mind... each time I sense these feelings... I take one step back because one step forward is not possible

i'm glad I make u happy at least a little inadvertantly lol <3 I adore you.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Insatiable Dreams
Date: May 2, 2006 11:41 PM

it always makes me happy to come visit your page and stare at your pic and listen to your music... i miss you and hope you were able to get some soup for the mean time... all my love...

Nothing wrong with that. I have that problem with one of my Ex's. She's the reason I can't fall in love with anyone.

Same old shit on this end. I just work around the clock and havn't had a day off in 2 months. I was thinking about taking off for the summer, but it doesn't look like that's happening.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Amy
Date: May 10, 2006 1:34 AM

well i'm actually watching my sisters kids this week, while shes in costa rica ... and i gotta get them up at like 6:25 so thats a really great question... i'll probably be headed that way soon... just getting the last bit of myspacing in b4 sleep... i actually just found my first girlfriends profile, i really fell for her... its odd even just looking at her picture... wrong of me to think but i could fall in love all over again... how about you ... hows everything going?

p.s. i finally got done with this semester so its time to throw my schedule off wack a bit

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Crazy1@SNC
Date: May 10, 2006 1:31 AM

what the hell are you doing up so late miss school teacher?

taking my own life with wine

Fri, 14 Apr 2006 17:52:00 +0000

10:45 AM -in 2004, i learned what it was to truely fall, but not just once, over and over again. by the late summer... i had given up... on others and myself. i learned a new meaning of pain, & understood a new meaning of suffering. i fell in love, but not with a person. this affair led to the loss of half my family, half my friends, and almost me. it was my only friend in need and it was my greatest escape indeed! i sat around many nights alone, many nights with people, and i still went to bed with the same feeling of having another wasted day. i learned alot, but learned nothing from it. had my heart destroyed and i thought i lost feelings. i thought i could never love again. not one person that came across my life measured out to be even near him... yes him. i got upset with myself and i thought something was wrong with me... but now i see that i'm just looking for one thing... and that wasn't second best... sorry. i didnt know that this would be my last year of school as well. i fell & i watched others fall. i wanted nothing more than to help them up, but it pushed myself back down each time. i wasted many words, i wasted alot of time, & alot of money. i did alot of things i cant take back & i threw alot of things away that will never return. in 2005, i lost someone i loved. i lost the person i tried so hard to become. i was left out on the road to find what may come. i lost more than i gained, and i walked out of this year with nothing. i pretended to be way too happy, & i showed too much emotion when i was alone. its sad when i always have someone with me... but deep down inside... im alone. they didnt mean anything to me but i spent each and everyday with them. they didnt know me. they didnt know where i came from... they dont know who my parents were. they couldn't even begin to understand how i felt and still feel. i was a great friend to some, & utterly shitty to others. i broke a promise, & i had promises broken to me. I made dreams that never had a chance to start. I quickly choose to just part. i lost touch with those i cared about the most & i pushed the ones i should have loved far away. i lied & i dug myself into a deeper and deeper hole. i knocked down my walls for those i thought i wouldnt and put up gates to those i should have never. i destroyed alot of things... relationships... emotions... feelings... my heart... her heart. i burned away not only the present but the future as well. i kissed an actual life goodbye and welcomed the face of death as it kissed me on the cheek. i drove too fast & i laughed in the face of danger. i talked alot of shit that wasnt necessary & i said too little when it was needed. i didnt tell people the truth, i hid what was really going on with me & what i really felt. i told the truth when it shouldnt have been said in order to hide the fact that i was ashamed of the truth. i made myself look like a complete idiot to her & hated myself for it. i pretended to be someone i wasnt, in fear of them seeing who i really was. i failed my last semister because of him and it has ruined me. i remember my lack of energy and just how bad it hurt me... i got an offer to leave for Melbourne... so i took it. i thought i would be happier... i thought i was right. truth is that i hated every moment while i was there. i only went there to forget about my past 6 years. to find who i really was... to find my idenity; i took a second and realized my sexual perference. to some... i don't admit how much i hated melbourne... just to be stubborn i guess. i stayed up all night for days at a t[...]

Mon, 13 Mar 2006 00:20:00 +0000

None of us die as virgins... life screws us all!

Mon, 13 Mar 2006 00:20:00 +0000

Never stop smiling because you never know who's falling in love with it!!!

Mon, 13 Mar 2006 00:01:00 +0000

Life's just like a treadmill. No matter how fast you go or how hard you try, you'll sometimes never get anywhere. It's like riding a fast rollercoaster blindfolded. There will be ups and downs, and you won't know when there will be sharp won't even know when it'll end. Life's like a book. Every page is a mystery..but you're the one in charge of the pen. When things go wrong, life is like an hour glass. Sooner or later the sand hits rock bottom, but all you have to do is be patient and wait for someone to just turn everything around. It's like walking in the snow. Be careful with the steps you take because every footprint will show. Making a mistake doesn't matter...what matters is how determined you are to fix it. But remember, a mistake is like writing on a foggy matter how hard you try to cover it up, if you look close enough it's still there.

Everything happens for a reason,
the hard part is to figure out what the reason is!!!

Never stop smiling because you never know who's falling in love with it!!!

None of us die as virgins... life screws us all!

Mon, 13 Mar 2006 00:01:00 +0000

Everything happens for a reason,
the hard part is to figure out what the reason is!!!

Mon, 30 Jan 2006 02:05:00 +0000

Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances, you just have to live life to the fullest. laugh as much as you can, spend all your money, tell someone what they mean to you, tell someone off, speak out, dare to be different, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand, comfort a friend, pig out, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, && smile till your face hurts. don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because when you look back someday, knowing you have no regrets its going to be what makes you smile.

Mon, 30 Jan 2006 02:05:00 +0000

If you're about to let go of someone just remember why you held on for so long