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We're here. We're queer. And we're going to eat you.

Updated: 2010-05-13T02:39:19.804-04:00


Brand New CampBlood Blog!


That's right, skittles: I'm sorry to announce that Blogger and I are breaking up. No, Blogger, no - don't cry. It wasn't you, it was me. (...and your mother.)

Forreal, as of this very instant the CampBlood Blog will be moving to a snazzy new locale packed with new amenities, added features and a sharp new look that follows the camp cabin theme recently rolled out on the main page.

I know it may be a hassle/shock to some of you, but please trust that it's all in the name of improved quality, increased interactivity and ... I don't know ... celery. I love me some celery.

From here on out please to visit us at the New and Improved Blog, and of course on the main page. And if you bookmarked us, please update with the new address! As ever, please feel free to send me any feedback (positive or negative).

Trailer Trash: "The Stepfather" remake


Let Penn Badgley do his laundry in peace!!!One of my favorite eras in American horror movies is the late 80's. The booming home video market offered new distribution models for movies that would otherwise never see the light of day. And the traditional slasher mold had been shattered to bits by A Nightmare on Elm Street a few years before (and had reached the point of diminishing returns on its own around the same time) so horror filmmakers started getting creative and thinking outside the box, trying out new scenarios and taking the bloodshed out of the summer camps and school dances and into less expected situations.And of course there were all those glorious shoulderpads.One of my favorite examples of a horror flick that tried something new and pulled it off with aplomb is 1987's teen-angst serial killer thriller The Stepfather. An unexpected and effective mix of classic suspense, shocking violence and kitchen-sink melodrama, the movie starred a then-obscure Terry O'Quinn (now a huge star thanks to Lost) as a serial monogamist who went from town to town marrying different women until one plucky, gravel-voiced Shannen Doherty lookalike (Jill Schoelen) figured out his game.Terry O'QuinnThe movie actually drew critical praise, especially for O'Quinn (who was a damn hot daddy), and the "phone in Shelley Hack's face" revelation scene is a certified classic. Now some asshat in Hollywood has decided to go and piss on the film's legacy by giving it what will likely be a half-assed and of course completely unneeded remake. (Again, if it ain't broke and was made after, oh, 1975 ... don't fuck with it, fellas.)The remake stars Dylan Walsh (aka "The other guy from Nip/Tuck") as the titular schizo and Gossip Girl's Penn Badgley as Jill Schoelen. Yes, they've turned our final girl into a final boy, likely because Disturbia made bank at the box office and this remake clearly owes more to that movie than it does the original film that inspires it.Anyway, here is the trailer for the remake. Aside from "copious shirtless Penn Badgley", can anyone tell me what the point of this might be?[...]

Review: "A Perfect Getaway": A good hike spoiled


Milla Jovovich (top) and Kiele Sanchez in Hot Bitches With Knives!When I was around ten my parents decided I should take golf lessons. Three days a week they shoved me down the gravel path at the Thunder Hills country club toward a bunch of golf-crazed tweens and then hopped into a cart to zip off to the back nine before I could attach myself to their plaid-wrapped legs.This went on for an entire summer, but little did my folks know that even though they may have succeeded in delivering me into the Lacoste-emblazoned bosom of the enemy, I never played more than a single hole of golf. Because as soon as the class teed off for the second hole, my neighbor Abby and I would duck into the woods, circle back to the clubhouse, and spend the next two hours sitting at the bar sucking down pineapple smoothies and watching MTV.Anyway, this doesn't have anything to do with anything other than at some point during my miseducation I heard someone use the following quote by Mark Twain: "Golf is a good walk spoiled."Which brings me to A Perfect Getaway.An entry into the "claustrophobic thriller" genre that doesn't trouble itself with the whole "claustrophobic" part, Getaway takes place entirely on the breathtaking open cliffs and beaches of Hawaii. Likely written and produced as an excuse to write off a hell of a tropical vacation, the story places three couples (and a few assorted extras) on a trail through the Hawaiian wilds, where a gruesome double-murder has just been committed by - you guessed it! - a couple that could potentially match the description of any of the three.First and foremost there's Cliff (Steve Zahn, looking like he's been hitting both the gym and the HGH pretty hard) and Cydney (Milla Jovovich), relatively bland and annoying newlyweds who are on their honeymoon. While driving to the trail they almost pick up hitchhikers Kale (Chris Hemsworth) and Chloe (a near-unrecognizable Marley Shelton), grubby neo-hippies who look like they could be dangerous ... or at least smelly (hence the "almost"). Once in the hills Cliff and Cydney meet Nick (Timothy Olyphant, looking extra-edible) and Gina (relative newbie Kiele Sanchez), a free-wheeling couple who seem decent enough, although Nick's Black Ops background and Gina's way with a hunting knife don't exactly put Cliff and Cydney (whose name becomes more and more infuriating the more I have to write it) at ease. And when the new tennis doubles run into Kale and Chloe on the trail, the plot thickens (by exactly 50%).Of course, the "oooh!" factor is supposed to be driven by our wondering which of the couples (if any) are the murderers, but honestly the lean plot and rote genre machinations are overwhelmed and eventually pulverized by the sheer gorgeousness of the location. Great pains are taken to get the actors near-naked as often as possible (including an impressive butt-shot for Olyphant ... no tan line!) in order to compete with the landscape, and although I greatly appreciate the effort, it's a vain one. "It's okay, I'm still hot!"As far as the mystery goes, I'm actually a bit flummoxed by the whole thing. Getaway seems to think itself very clever - something of a riff on Natural Born Killers but with a brilliant second-act twist and a couple of great red herrings. And why do I imagine the movie thinks these things? Because it actually tells us. Literally. As in, in the dialogue.Using the dubious device of having Cliff and Nick discuss thriller screenwriting throughout the hike, the movie pretty much tells you what's going to happen next, which isn't terribly ... well, thrilling. Add on the fact that if you pay any attention whatsoever the big "twist" is more or less spelled out in smoke signals and semaphore in the first 15 minutes of the movie, and you're in for a very long walk, indeed. On the plus side, the photography is quite impressive (when it's not being hacked to death by some of the most annoying editing I've seen this side of a Rob Zombie video), Olyphant and Sanchez in particular are a lot of fun to watch[...]

Himbo Alert(s): "A Perfect Getaway" and its perfect pecs


Timothy Olyphant in A Perfect GetawayLast night I caught a screening of the under-the-RADAR thriller A Perfect Getaway, starring Milla Jovovich, Steve Zahn and Timothy Olyphant as hikers in Hawaii or something ... I don't know, I was drunk. (Kidding, my full review will be up later.)For now, I just wanted to point out that this movie has six things going for it, for the purposes of the Camp: Namely, the perky, sun-kissed man-teats of Timothy Olyphant, Steve Zahn, and Chris Hemsworth.Steve ZahnYes, I just objectified the ratty little guy from Reality Bites and Happy, Texas, who it turns out can rock a tank-top with the best of them. These are dark, dark days in which we are living, my friends.Olyphant with Kiele SanchezSeriously, this movie has more tanned beef than a leather jacket wholesaler. Olyphant (who has been a major crush since he ruined Santa hats for me FOREVER back in Go) has never looked better and is a swaggering, sexy force that gives the stunning tropical locales a run for their pretty penny. And what's more, he gives us a pretty fancy ass shot that will no doubt put an end to the debate as to whether men without tan lines are sexy (they officially are).Chris Hemsworth and ZahnOzzie Hemsworth, a Home and Away vet who hasn't done much Stateside but will appear in Joss Whedon's The Cabin in the Woods and the Red Dawn remake and has been cast as the title character in a little comic book movie called Thor, is ... well, he can pretty much throw me over his shoulder, drag me back to his cave and make a rug out of me or something, because I'm defenseless against this kind of rugged awesomeness. Okay, maybe not a rug, but a nice set of placemats? Or tea towels?Pre-rugged Hemsworth, aka Ryan Kwanten 2.0Anyway, if you're up for some serious beefcake, you might want to check this one out because these guys seriously spend most of the movie airing out their gutters. Here's the trailer, and be sure to check back for my full review![...]

Blood Work! "True Blood" video blog 2.7: Taste the rainbow!


In this week's Very Special Blood Work, Andy and I taste-test the new TruBlood carbonated beverage. Will we prefer it cold, hot, or with vodka? I'll give you three guesses and the first two don't count.

Plus, we of course discuss the wacky seventh episode of True Blood Season Two, "Release Me". What of Eggs and Little Miss Baconpants? What of zombie whores and skank hos? And can the show ever again reach the brilliance of Sarah Newlin's "Golfcart of the Valkyries" moment?

All this and a heck of a hangover await, below. Hurry ... it's going faster than fritters on a fat farm!

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Trailer Fabulous: "Whiteout" vs "White Out"


Here's the trailer for the new horror movie Whiteout: Or, We Threw a Surprise Luau Party for The Thing But It Never Showed Up So Here's Our Crappy Movie.

Nice to see that they still figured out a way to get Kate Beckinsale naked even though the movie takes place IN FUCKING ANTARCTICA. Seriously, this movie would be better if it were about someone spilling Liquid Paper on an important document, like a bad screenplay or a sweepstakes entry to Publisher's Clearinghouse. Now that's some scary shit.



Actually, I'd much rather see THIS White Out instead. Nick Watson is about to begin his rampage!!!

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Himbo Alert: Gerard Butler in "Gamer"


Like any good gay man, I paid tribute to the impossibly perky pecs of sassy Scot Gerard Butler when he unveiled his beefy new bod for the insanely-gay-but-totally-not-gay-ahem-nosiree extended gladiator music video called 300. (In his case, tribute was an 8x10 of titty-rival Ryan Reynolds, a bag of Andy Capp Hot Fries and a jigger of the GlenFiddich.)

But having made a point to miss all of Butler's films since (and having noted that he was looking a wee bit marshmallow-y on a recent Craig Ferguson appearance) I was a bit surprised to see that he is once again showing off that trademark torso in the upcoming cyber-thriller Gamer, which co-stars local fave Michael C. Hall (Dexter, Six Feet Under) and Kyra Sedgwick (really?).

Here you go, mates. You know what to do.

And here's the trailer for the otherwise meh-looking cyber-actioner:


Tru Blood beverage: This had better mix with liquor


So we just got a bottle of Tru Blood in the mail from the delicious folks at HBO ... just in time for Unemployed Homosexual Cocktail Hour (Part 1 of 7, daily)!I'm intrigued by the flavor (blood orange), a bit disturbed by the nutritional content (mammamiadassalotta niacin and B12 ... is real blood high in these, I wonder?) and convinced that even if it tastes more like actual blood than fruit, it will still be more appetizing than Red Bull.We're going to crack open the bottle and taste it on our next Blood Work! True Blood vlog, so be sure to check back next Tuesday to find out what O-Positive tastes like.And if you can't wait for our review to pre-order your own (the drink ships out in early September), head on over to the Tru Beverage website and order up a 12-pack. Like this one! Or that one!Or this one!Or that one!Note: You cannot actually order Ryan Reynolds, gun cases, or reality star douchebags from the Tru Blood site. Did I mention that I'm already wasted? Wheee![...]

Review: "Orphan" is the pick of the litter


Ladies and germs, the shark movie of the summer has arrived.Let me back up a skoodge: A decade ago (Really?! Put a fork in me!) a bona fide cinematic gem swam into theaters almost entirely under the SONAR. That gem was Deep Blue Sea, and it was the sleeper hit of the summer thanks to the combined forces of smarts, Thomas Jane in swimming trunks, one of the best surprise kills in movie history, and the most important point of all: No one outside of the production staff ever had the slightest inkling that a movie about intelligent sharks who kill people indoors could be anything other than a steaming heap of direct-to-video crapola.Orphan, the bisected corpse of Samuel L. Jackson welcomes you and all your twisty, nervy, OMG-I-can't-believe-they-fucking-just-did-that gorgeousness to the fold. And fans of solid, out-of-left-field genre entertainment, rejoice: This summer's shark movie may very well be the most fun you'll have being suckerpunched by a tween all year. Is it trash? Sure. But it's trash that knows exactly what it's doing, which is more than I can say for some movies with ten times its budget and none of its balls."Pounder? I don't even know 'er!"A wonderfully tense wolf-in-sheep's-clothing mystery about a distraught couple who adopt a creepy talking Russian doll after losing their own unborn child, Orphan starts off with a bang - or, rather, a splat - in the form of the most disturbing childbirth nightmare since The Fly 2. Only this time, instead of Daphne Zuniga it's The Depahhted's Vera Farmiga in the stirrups. So it's ... you know, watchable.We quickly learn the basics: Kate (Farmiga, which sounds more and more like a gourmet cheese the more I have to say it) and John Coleman (adorable bear-in-progress Peter Sarsgaard) have two children, pre-teen Daniel and wee Max, an impossibly adorable little girl who is also deaf and mute. (Not that that's going to end up being important or anything.)Turns out Kate miscarried the couple's third child, Jessica, and also had some issues with the bottle and almost killed Max by accident, or something. And there's a pond. I don't know, it gets a little Don't Look Now (for more reasons than I'll get into) but it's all good because before you know it, the Colemans are off shopping for a new kid, and for some ungodly reason settle on Esther, a Russian 9-year-old who sits in a room painting all day and singing songs from Beaches to herself. "I said no more chocolate pudding!!!!"Esther is played by 12-year-old Isabelle Furhman, a DC native who does a killer job with both the role and the accent, which would have tripped up actors three times her age. I can't get into too many details without spoiling the Big Twist, but I give this little chicklet mad props for pulling off a virtually unplayable role very convincingly both before and after the character's big secret is revealed.Anyway, back to what I can talk about: Kate starts to think that There's Something Wrong With Esther but her hubby doesn't see it, and of course it starts to tear the family apart, which is exactly what Esther wants. Why does she want it? Well, figuring that out is part of the fun. And how far will she go to get what she wants? Farther than many filmmakers would dare, which is what makes the movie such a hoot to watch.Again, without spoiling anything major, Orphan manages to squeeze in a host of evil-kid standbys (playground "accidents", treehouse mishaps, nasty drawrings) and then raises the bar by adding in some extremely intense and graphic murders. It's all in terribly bad taste, really. But you know what? It kind of works. And what's more, I'd already been accidentally spoiled on the Big Twist going in, so I knew what was going on from scene one and I STILL had a blast watching it all unfold.Me-Yoww!And for that I credit Farmiga, Sarsgaard, and Furhman (extra credit for the always-gloriou[...]

Video: "Troll 2": You don't piss on hospitality!


In discussing yesterday's post about the upcoming screening of Best Worst Movie, my pal Lee pointed out that some sick sunofabitch over at Hulu (my words, not his) had posted Troll 2, in its entirety, for your viewing pleasure. Yes, the uninitiated or the proudly masochistic can now enjoy the worst film ever made in the comfort of their own cubicles.

I'll embed the whole movie below, but here's just a taste of the chickenhawkish magic, in the form of the famous "underage hero pisses on his family's dinner" scene. The little scamp!

Update: Hulu's being a total bayotch about embeds, so you can access the clip directly here. And if that isn't enough for you, here's the whole movie. Don't blame me, blame Lee!!

"Troll 2" documentary "Best Worst Movie" screening this Friday in Brooklyn!


Those of you who have been around a while likely know that there is a special place in my diseased husk of a heart for 1990's Troll 2, a film that I lovingly called "shit at 24 frames-per-second" in one of the first reviews I ever published on this here site. Well the shit is finally hitting the fans (nyuk!) with the release of Best Worst Movie, a documentary that explores the insane fanbase of Troll 2 lovers/haters who have embraced the ill-advised (and even iller-executed) sequel as one of the worst movies of all time.The film, which was directed by now-grown-up Michael Stephenson (who played the child lead in the film that memorably pissed on dinner and uttered the immortal line "They're eating my mother!"), is currently making the festival rounds and is apparently pretty damn adept at walking the line between hilarity and pathos as it catches up with the people in and behind Troll 2 and the fanbase that adores them for being so awesomely bad at what they did.This Friday night in my nabe of Williamsburg, Brooklyn, Rooftop Films is screening the doc on the lawn of the Automotive High School (which sounds oddly appropriate in and of itself) and both director Stephenson and George Hardy, who played the father in the film and is now a dentist, will reportedly be there for the screening (for more info, check out Rooftop's website). The $9 ticket price also includes an open bar afterward at Matchless, and trust me ... you'll need it.I wish that director Claudio Fragasso would be there so that I could ask him about casting gay porn legend Jeff Stryker in Zombie 4, but you can't always get what you want, right? Instead, enjoy this trailer for Best Worst Movie:Afterthought: Am I the only one pleasantly surprised at how adorable Stephenson turned out? I'd totally hit that (after a once-over with the Dirt Devil):[...]

Blood Work! "True Blood" video blog 2.6: "PussyCat Blues"


Betcha didn't know that apart from being a vampire, a skilled pumpkin-carver, a doting husband and the self-appointed captain of Team Bill, Andy is also an accomplished megaphone crooner.

It's true! Andy lets his old-timey colors (or lack thereof) show in the latest installment of Blood Work Too!, in which we discuss the croontastic latest episode of True Blood, "Hard-Hearted Hannah".

Will the pussycats get sober? Will we run out of gin? And will we ever get the color back in our apartment?

Watch to find out!

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The Camp has been renovated!!


It's true: After 6 years (holy eff!) of the same-old same-old, I've called in the hot men in acid-washed jeans to tear down the drywall and give the mess hall of CampBlood a long-overdue makeover.Inspired by the Totem Pole design that ... er ... "Chuckie" created for our newest t-shirts (COUGH! AVAILABLE NOW FOR ONLY $13.99! COUGH!), I've reimagined the site's main page as the announcement wall of a somewhat dilapidated and very bloody summer camp. Don't worry, all the content pages (Features, Reviews, Homo Horror Guide, Movies of the Weak) are still there (with the addition of the Blog and the Shop) and can be accessed by mousing over the characters on the totem pole. Neat, huh? You'd think I actually knew what the Christ I was doing behind a keyboard!Some other new features include Staff bios (TBD - we go through more counsellors than you can imagine, as you'll find out), an Activities bulletin that showcases some of our favorite new content, and a Campers bulletin that highlights you, our dear readers (right now it's a Facebook widget that displays the shining faces of our fans but it will rotate as camp progresses).Plus, the graffiti on the walls will no doubt change as we try to keep up on the cleaning (those pesky kids and their Sharpies!) and there will be other subtle interactive tricks in store, so be sure to visit and poke around often! (Which, oddly enough, was on my calling card back in college...)I know, it's kind of a bummer to not be greeted by the anguished warbling of Barbra as you enter the site, and for some it may seem like the end of a classic, albeit text-heavy, era. But rest assured that it's all in the name of bigger and better, and "Prisoner" won't be gone for long.There's also an email link on the main page - please feel free to send me any comments (or of course leave them here on this post) or tip me off to any bugs, as I truly don't know what the fuck I'm doing here.Thanks, and happy camping![...]

Anna Paquin on the "True Blood" triangle: "Man-love is a really beautiful thing"


EW's Ausiello sat down with Anna Paquin, Stephen Moyer and Alexander Skarsgård at San Diego Comic Con to discuss True Blood's growing popularity and the budding Bill/Sookie/Eric triangle. The trio delivered some cute and non-committal banter on the topic, with Stephen suggesting, "Eric and Bill definitely get together" and Anna responding, "man-love is a really beautiful thing". Ahhhhhh we should only be so lucky.And don't forget to join us after the show tonight on Loving True Blood in Dallas to discuss all the latest developments![...]

Join us Sunday night on "Loving True Blood" Blogtalk radio!


Stephen Moyer and Mariana Klaveno

That's right, the lovely and talented Dallas of the Loving True Blood blog and radio show has invited us back on to discuss tomorrow night's Big Bill Episode of True Blood, where it looks like everyone's favorite pasty-delicious Civil War vet will reconnect with his vampire Mama, Lorna Doone. (Lorraine? Loofah? ... Okay, it's Lorena.)

I'll post the widget here tomorrow night prior to the 10:30EDT start time, or you can pop over to Loving True Blood in Dallas in the meantime and check out all the vamp-lovin' awesomeness there.

And here's the widget for the show, which we'll be on shortly. Join Usssssss!!

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The 7 Best Animated Lafayette GIFs


Hey, Hookah fans! Over on the Video page I've posted seven of the best animated GIFs that I could find of everyone's favorite sass-slingin', afghan-lovin' fry cook, Lafayette Reynolds (Nelsan Ellis). (Note: It may take the page a minute or two to load due to the sheer ghetto fabulousness contained therein.)

I'm also in the process of cleaning up the Blood Work Too! vlogs and adding some embedded video where once were only download links (technology is advancing faster than a staph infection at a David Barton Gym!). Unfortunately, the now-legendary Stephen Geoffreys Intimate Portrait will likely never find its way onto a video streaming site, for obvious reasons ... but it's still ripe for downloadin'!

And yes, as many of you have kindly pointed out, the Season 1 Blood Works that once lived on the video page are no longer working, so I've had to remove all the embeds (as helpful commenter Ian pointed out, you can still view the videos over here). I have no idea what the deal is there, but so be it. We sally forth. Heck, sometimes we even Mary Worth!

Children Shouldn't Play Doctor with Dead Things!


Zoe Daelman Chlanda in I'll Bury You TomorrowHere's a little Horror Movies 101 for the chilluns in the room: How does a horror filmmaker know when he or she has officially "arrived"? When a nutbag necrophile name-drops you in a trial as inspiration for his attempts to rape a corpse!Of course, non-consensual sex with a dead body is no laughing matter. Just ask Catherine Zeta-Jones. But when a 23-year-old graverobber from Wisconsin used my dear friend Alan Rowe Kelly's film I'll Bury You Tomorrow in his trial defense as the inspiration for his nocturnal skullduggery (skullfuckery?), I have to admit I nearly laughed myself into an Activa-sponsored shit-fit.Yes, Nicholas Grunke credits Kelly's funeral home-set grindhouse potboiler as the reason that he dug up the corpse of a recent motorcycle accident victim and set up a romantic evening with her, complete with a tarp, duct tape, a crowbar, and a box of condoms. Well at least he practices safe corpse-fucking! Although next time some scented candles might be in order (for obvious reasons).Alan Rowe KellyAt least the guy didn't get away with it, and apparently the real stir about the case was caused when lawmakers realized that there are no laws against pulseless booty-calls in the great state of Wisconsin. Although notice that Iowa news outlet KCRG makes a point of noting, apropos of nothing, that screwing dead people is a class D felony in the Hawkeye State. Them's my uppity bitches!Anyway, huge ups to Alan Rowe for making it into the headlines in Cheddarville in such an unsavory and fabulous manner. You've arrived, hooker![...]

Blood Work! "True Blood" video blog 2.5: Tubthumping!


That's right, ladies and germs: We're back with the latest installment of Blood Work Too!, our very own True Blood recap vlog.

This week we discuss bathtub handjobs, hotel porn, the voluptuous horror of Ed Quinn, and whether or not Bill has to "warm it up" before he and Sookie play hide-the-stake. So basically it's like your typical episode of The View, only in our case the undead isn't limited to Barbara Walters.


Enjoy it all below!

Come see the Camp tonite in Williamsburg!



If you happen to find yourself in Williamsburg, Brooklyn tonight ... well, I'm sorry. And yes, those homeless people do, in fact, have trust funds.

But if you find yourself slumming in hipsterville, come visit the Camp at the Summer Kamp - Wicked-Pissah! comedy series at Metropolitan Bar, where I have been known to hang out a wee bit too much. My pal Garry Hannon is hosting the gay standup series and this week has invited CampBlood to pitch in for a horror-themed evening, which will involve slaughtered campers, sack lunches, a handmade, one-of-a-kind Care Package for one very lucky guest, and of course free comedy and cheap drinks.

Fore more details, check out the Facebook page. Please to join!

Trailer Fabulous: "Wicked, Wicked"


I don't know what unholy cross-pollination of Private Parts, Psycho and California Suite resulted in the 1973 slasher gimmick Wicked, Wicked, but damn I wish I'd been there to see the upper-fueled pitch meeting that brought this puppy to life.

Filmed in Duo-Vision (the whole movie was split-screen, for no apparent reason), this MGM horror comedy was apparently a stinker of the highest order, but I'll be dipped in shit if it doesn't have one of the HOTTEST TRAILERS IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE!!!

Just try to tell me it ain't:

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Oh, and did I mention that the writer/director happens to be named Dick Bare? HAWT! Plus, lead detective David Bailey is pretty much the textbook definition of Seventies Handsome, and it's nice to see Kingdom of the Spiders' Tiffany Bolling not introducing herself as Diane Ashley every five fucking seconds.

There's lots more on this little gem over at Vinnie Rattole's. Enjoy!

Videodrama: Lauren Tewes, Demon Dialer!


Here's a bit of CampBlood video mashup silliness to get you through this agonizingly beautiful summer day. It seems that Eyes of a Stranger (and The Love Boat) star Lauren Tewes has holed herself up in her Shanghai brothel-inspired bedroom with a fresh pack of bitch sticks, a mountain of blow and unlimited local calling.

Will the unlucky ladies who take her calls make it out alive?!

(Note: An earlier version of this vid popped up on CampBlood a few years back but this is way better, if I do say so m'self.)

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Demon Dialer!

"Orphan": Alright, so what the ^#$*@ is wrong with Esther, already?


I don't know about you, but the "WHAT IS THE SECRET OF THE EVIL AND PERFECTLY SYMMETRICAL LITTLE GIRL???" ads for the new horror flick Orphan went from intriguing to annoying faster than Lady Gaga on rocket-skates.So for the good of all, I'm going to offer my five guesses as to what is, indeed, wrong with Esther, so that we can all go back to our empty, echoing, unfulfilled lives and forget this ever happened.5 Things That Could Be the Fuck Wrong With Esther (Possible SPOILERS follow, although not to this movie.)1. She's Lester. Yes, in the biggest Surprise Pickle! since The Crying Game, little Esther is revealed to be a boy who, after being forced to watch Sleepaway Camp nonstop by a sadistic orphanage worker, has discovered his inner Angela. Snips and snails and organs of males: That's what this little girl is made of!2. She's Edward Norton. Actually, this Fight Club-inspired Big Twist was supposed to be that the orphan Esther winds up being the split identity of lead actress Vera Farmiga, but the producers realized that no one gives a fuck about Vera Farmiga and brought in Edward Norton at the last minute to reprise his role (luckily, Norton was in-between jobs squinting at his co-stars and was happy to help). And BTW, I love Vera Farmiga, but didn't she already make this movie only it was called Joshua?3. She's a sled. 4. If you take that ribbon off her neck, her head falls off. Okay, that doesn't even make any sense, but does anyone remember that ghost story about the guy who marries the chick with the ribbon around her neck and she says he can never take it off and one night when she's asleep he does anyway and her head falls off and he realizes he'll have to have sex with a headless wife and will probably get stared at a lot when he takes her out to eat in restaurants from that point on? No? K, never mind.And the REAL thing that's the matter with Esther ...5. She's never even heard of The Bad Seed.[...]

Review: "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince"


Confession time: I've burned off the brain cells where I once stored my Harry Potter knowledge. Granted, given that I'm a thirtysomething gay man who categorizes the age of anyone under around 20 or so as either "walking" or "crawling", the continuing adventures of the most put-upon little can-do in Hogwarts aren't exactly designed to stick in my particular grey matter.But even I was shocked at just how little I remembered about the storyline of the sixth novel, which arrives on screens this week. Heck, I'd even forgotten who the titular Half-Blood Prince turns out to be (hint: he wasn't in Purple Rain). But either because or in spite of my fuzziness on the details, I enjoyed the film quite a bit. And while the plucky child-wizard cash cow isn't specifically a horror series, per se, I thought it deserved mention here because of the horrific quality that the franchise has taken on in its later installments ... and no, I'm not just talking about some of the acting. (Emma Watson FTW!) Much like its equally solid predecessor, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince is dark, violent, loaded with startlingly scary images (spells that make people bleed from their skin, zombies, hexings, Maggie Smith in close-up) and on the whole a pretty big downer - and not just because of the Very Bad Thing that we all already know closes the chapter. Although the film is quite an investment (it clocks in at over two and a half hours), it's an impressive and troubling work, boasting a dark and nightmarish undertow that many more "adult" or "legitimate" films attempt but fail to achieve.This installment also has an epic quality that the series hadn't achieved to this point. Everything seems grander, more urgent and as profound as a mythology that features chocolate frogs and obsessive-compulsive elves has any right to be. Much as the characters' relationships mature significantly in this installment (including two important central romances), their awareness of their own mortality seems to have really hit home at last ... which is no small feat considering that they've all cheated death about a dozen times apiece already.At this point the series is pretty much critic-proof, so it's all the more exciting that the producers are continuing to challenge themselves and their audiences with these characters and stories. Really, go back and watch the first two movies after you see this one and you'll wonder that they're even related. The tone here is pervasively somber (much time is devoted to the moral fall of Draco Malfoy, who is finally explored as a deeply tormented person and not just a one-note schoolyard bully), the production values are stellar (there are huge scenes of widespread disaster and panic), and the emphasis on loss (of innocence, of loved ones, of the good fight) is consistent and deeply disturbing. Freddie Stroman plays Cormac McLaggenIt's also a fairly fun and satisfying ride, and I'd be lying if I didn't admit to myself that it's a lot easier to enjoy these films now that most of the supporting cast is in their twenties and kind of hot (Cormac McLaggen, CALL ME!). And a beloved character is finally given a moment of pure majesty that will likely affect fans very deeply (I know it's going to be a lasting image for me). In all, Half-Blood stands up alongside The Prisoner of Azkaban and Order of the Pheonix as challenging, visionary mainstream entertainment that more than lives up to the fan fervor, merchandise and Value Meal-ing surrounding i[...]

Blood Work! "True Blood" video blog 2.4: "Shake and Fingerpop"


Yes, we're back to recap the latest episode of the increasingly horny HBO vampire show, True Blood, with our sexed-up take on 2.4, "Shake and Fingerpop".

Find out what happens when Andy lets me drink Yoo-Hoo, our thoughts on sploshing, and with whom we'd Like to Do Bad Things this week, below!

(Note: No cats were harmed, emotionally scarred or impregnated in the making of this video.)

"Harper's Island" Finale: Well .... THAT happened!


Yowch! Well, you gotta give the producers credit for delivering on their promise: By the end of the 13-episode series, a murderer was exposed, a mystery was solved and an entire David's Bridal collection was shredded to ribbons.In the two-part finale we learned which member of the wedding party was a secret psycho, spilled a lot more blood, and wrapped up what was, in retrospect, a decidedly mean but pretty damn tidy little horror story. I wasn't terribly surprised to learn that my guess as to whom the killer would be was totally wrong, because I am the worst sleuth since Inspector Gadget. But if you'd rather not be spoiled as to the identity of the murder and the way things played out, stop reading now.SPOILERS YONDERSo yes, Henry the groom-to-be was John Wakefield's son and he orchestrated the entire wedding as a way of getting Abby back to the Island ... not because he wanted revenge on her for getting the life and family that he was denied, but because he wanted to play house with her forever in a spread from Northwest Living magazine.It's actually ridiculously obvious, when you think about it. And yet for some reason I didn't think that it could be that easy, so when it played out I was pretty satisfied. I also loved the way that the show jumped to the mainland (Shaye and that horrid little girl were the only two people to get off the Island) and made you think that everyone else had perished, just like Henry wanted us to. The whole "keeping Jimmy alive so he could take the fall" thing seemed a bit unnecessary and convenient, as I would rather have seen brother and sister face off one-on-one, Laurie Strode-style. But Abby got her vengeance, and I guess her and Jimmy's ride off into the sunset is the show's half-assed way of redeeming itself for being what was otherwise pretty much the most misanthropic and sadistic 13 weeks of television I've ever seen.So what'dya think? Anyone stick with it to the end? Did you guess right? And overall, was it a successful serialized slasher experiment? This guy says "yes".And OMG, how horrible was this whole thing for poor, dead, dirty-dressed Trish? (A little club soda will get that out!) I didn't really like her to begin with, but Lordy did that girl get the short end of the stick! [...]