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Updated: 2018-03-06T02:21:58.295-06:00




After careful consideration and many sleepless nights, here’s what I’ve decided. There’s no such thing as a grown up. We move on, we move out, we move away from our families and form our own. But the basic insecurities, the basic fears and all those old wounds just grow up with us. …We get bigger, we get taller, we get older. But for the most part, we’re still a bunch of kids.

I've heard that it's possible to grow up - I've just never met anyone who's actually done it. Without parents to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don't go our way, we whisper secrets with our best friends in the dark, we look for comfort where we can find it, and we hope - against all logic, against all experience. Like children.

You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.

At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. Once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away.

At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing, where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, is usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them, the people that are still with you at the end of the day - those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need.

Not all wounds are superficial, most wounds run deeper than we can imagine, you cant see them with the naked eye, and then there are the wounds that take us by surprise, the trick with any kind of wound or disease is to dig down and find the real source of the injury, and once you've found it, try like hell to heal that sucker.

SPF 50


If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering…I will dispense this advice now:

Enjoy the power and beauty of youth; oh nevermind; we will not understand the power and beauty of our youth until they have faded. But in 20 years we’ll look back at photos and recall in a way we can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before us and how fabulous we really looked.

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in life are apt to be things that never crossed our worried minds; the kind that blindside us at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you.


Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.


Don’t waste time on jealousy.. sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember the compliments and forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep old letters, throw away old bank statements.


Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument we’ll ever own..

Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older we get, the more we need the people we knew when we were young.


Accept certain inalienable truths -- prices will rise, politicians will philander, we too will get old, and when we do... we will fantasize that when we were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t mess too much with your hair.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

Maybe I'm wrong. But trust me on the sunscreen.

top things


My top 5 ways of saying "Top 5"

5. with a british accent
4. in a baby voice
3. in an older baby voice (2+ yrs)
2. in a Christopher Walken voice
1. backwards (evif pot)

My top 3 ways to take a walk

3. in a normal way
2. with my arms out, as if i were an airplane
1. at a ridiculously slow pace

My top 5 things that sound like wind

5. ghosts
4. breathing
3. a different type of wind
2. wind sound fx on a CD
1. wind

My top 3 ways to make people say "I don't need a pencil.."

3. Ask someone who is holding a pencil if they need a pencil
2. Ask someone who is swimming if they need a pencil
1. teaching a child from birth that "I don't need a pencil" means "more pasta please"

Top 5 things that blind people need.

5. a walking stick
4. a guide dog
3. a guide dolphin (for swimming)
2. sunglasses (this is more of a 'want')
1. food

Top 5 ways to find things

5. by looking for them
4. by feeling around for them with your hands
3. accidentally
2. by running into them with a car
1. by trying really hard

Top 3 ways to drink milk

3. out of a glass that has a picture of a sunset on it
2. out of the jug
1. out of a solid gold cup and then you get to keep the cup, or exchange it for one hundred thousand dollars.

Who dun it?


to the person who put the dead bird in my mailbox:

a) how did you get into my mailbox in the first place, it's locked

b) did you kill the bird?

c) it died horribly, that much was clear.

d) you're psycho.

e) do I know you

f) if I do know you, I don't want to know you

g) if I don't know you, what did I do to inspire you to put a dead bird in my mailbox

h) I don't know how to disinfect a mailbox from a dead bird, I'm worried about diseases and have used five different kinds of cleaner but still feel like the bird's still in there still and like my bills and my catalogues and my coupons have dead bird on them

i) it was a hummingbird, I looked it up

j) are you the mailman?

k) I'm always nice to the mailman

l) management didn't care when I told him what happened

m) the neighbors didn't care either

n) do you have some kind of problem with birds

o) don't put anything else in my mailbox

p) unless it's an apology

q) no, I take that back, I don't even want an apology

r) what am I supposed to do with this bird - am I supposed to bury it? where is a person supposed to bury things in this city?

s) I could drop it in the trash, but that seems undignified

t) I could drop it in Lake Lewisville, but its so big and it is such a small bird

u) I could drop it in the toilet but it would probably get stuck

v) I hear this whirring around my ears every time I go to the mailbox and I'm pretty sure it's ghost bird, and I'm all "it wasn't me that killed you, bird!"

Jesus is hilarious


John 21:1Afterward Jesus appeared again to his disciples, by the Sea of Tiberias. It happened this way: Simon Peter, Thomas, Nathanael, the sons of Zebedee, and two other disciples were together. "I'm going out to fish," Simon Peter told them, and they said, "We'll go with you." So they went out and got into the boat, but that night they caught nothing. Why did they catch nothing? It's God. It's God jacking with His kids. This is happening right after Peter has denied Jesus. And instead of letting Peter drown in shame and loneliness, He begins by complicating things. It goes on to say “Just as day was breaking, Jesus stood on the shore...”. In the midst of their frustration, Jesus is going to enter the scene. But it says, “...yet the disciples did not know that it was Jesus.” Why didn't they know? What's going on with that? Have you ever noticed that? Whenever Jesus shows up after the resurrection, people aren't recognizing Him. What's going on with that? Does the resurrection body look different? Do they just not believe it's Jesus. Is He disfigured because Revelation tells us He's the only person in eternity that will still bear His scars? What is it? I think it's His sense of humor. I think it's Him jacking with people. I mean, I see it in one chapter earlier when Mary Magdalene runs in and sees the two angels dressed in white. There's no mistaking who they are! And she says,“Where's the Lord?” And they're like, “Hey, He's not here.” And so she turns around and looks RIGHT AT Jesus and He says, “Why are you crying?”He knows why she's crying!And then He says, “Who are you looking for?”He knows who she's looking for!!Why is He doing that? And see she keeps the conversation going, “Well, I'm looking for my Lord and I can't find Him.” And I'm like, “Why is she not figuring that out?” It says later that it was because she thought He was the gardener. Why?!?! I think it's because Jesus was messing with the bushes.. all pretending to garden.. going, “Hey, are you crying? What's going on?” She's like, “I don't know.” He's like, “Who are you looking for?” Because all it takes for Him to be recognized, it says Jesus looked at her and said,“Mary,” and she was like, “Jesus!!! ” Another instance - Two disciples are walking along the road to Emmaus and He comes walking along and hears them talking about what's been going on in Jerusalem. He says, “What are you talking about?” - (HE KNOWS WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT!) They say, “Are you the only person in Jerusalem who doesn't know what's been happening these days?” And He goes, “What things?” (He knows what things.) Then they start telling Him about His own death.And then He's like, “Oh, that's interesting. Wait a minute, wasn't that meant to fulfill prophecies in Scripture” And He starts preaching the Old Testament to them, still not letting them know who He is. Then it says they arrived at their destination and He pretends that He's walking further until they invite Him to dinner. And it says right at that moment, He breaks bread and He's like, “Dudes, it's Me!” And POOF He's gone. He disappears. So He waits until the seven mile trip is over and they're like, “That was friggin Jesus.” So they run back seven miles to Jerusalem, go to where the other disciples are hiding, say, “We just saw Jesus.” The others are saying, “I'm not sure if I believe you.” And then right in the middle of that panic, it says that Jesus just appears to them and says, “PEACE BE WITH YOU.” Which I think is funny because it says He terrifies all of them and He's like, “Peace be with you” and they react the opposite of that. And then in that moment, to prove that He's really resurrected from the dead, there He is, they saw Him die, now He's back to life and He goes, “Does anyone have any fish?” They go, “Yeah.” And He just starts eating fish. Which I think is one of the most hilarious things. It's one [...]