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Copyright: Copyright 2018, Situation Publishing
 



HomePod, you say? Sex sex sex, that's all you think about

Fri, 16 Feb 2018 10:05:08 GMT

Apple suggests wiping your ROD and oiling your ring

Something for the Weekend, Sir? My wife has a hairy tongue.…




Iran: We have defeated evil nuclear-sensing Western lizards!

Thu, 15 Feb 2018 11:55:10 GMT

It's not David Icke, it's Ayatollah Khamenei's former top general

Iran has gone full David Icke and accused lizards that "attract atomic waves" of spying for the West.…




Aching bad: 'Kingpin Granny' nicked in huge prescription drugs bust

Wed, 14 Feb 2018 16:33:22 GMT

Raid on 75-year-old's home yields over a thousand pills

Silver surfers are known to rattle from the numerous pills foisted on them by doctors as their health fails, but one Tennessee veteran stands accused of possessing drugs with an altogether different purpose.…




You dopes! US state's pot dealer database pwned after security goes up in smoke

Fri, 09 Feb 2018 22:29:07 GMT

Don't mean to harsh your buzz: Hackers weed out access hole

The US state of Washington says a miscreant was able to access the system it uses to track the manufacturing and sale of marijuana.…




No sh*t, Sherlock! Bloke suspected of swallowing drug stash keeps colon schtum for 22 DAYS

Fri, 09 Feb 2018 22:06:53 GMT

Cops frustrated by lack of movement in the case

A suspected drug dealer accused of swallowing his stash has become internet famous – after refusing to take a dump, and thus provide the cops their evidence, for 22 DAYS and counting.…




Remember the Yorkie pizza horror? Here's who won our exclusive Reg merch...

Fri, 09 Feb 2018 12:31:08 GMT

Top suggestion: eat the thing!

Giveaway The winner of our “what would you do with a terrible Morrisons Yorkshire Pudding Pizza concoction” competition can, at long last, be announced to Reg readers of the Great British Public and beyond.…




Home taping revisited: A mic in each hand, pointing at speakers

Fri, 09 Feb 2018 10:06:36 GMT

A blinga, a blanga, a bippety bop, I'm going down to the record shop YEAH!

Something for the Weekend, Sir? I once tried to do it standing on one leg, arms pressed against the wall for stability.…




It's been 50 years since those damn dirty apes took the planet by storm

Fri, 09 Feb 2018 09:03:11 GMT

And somehow the goofball sci-fi franchise is still going strong

On a cold, dry evening of February 9, 1968, cinemagoers at New York's venerable Capitol Theatre were the first members of the public to be taken to a new but worryingly familiar world.…




Game of Thrones showrunners to make Star Wars flicks

Fri, 09 Feb 2018 08:31:14 GMT

David Benioff and D.B. Weiss will write and produce series set in bits of the Lucasverse

Game of Thrones fans hoping that showrunners David Benioff and D.B. Weiss might spend more time in Westeros will have to visit a galaxy far, far away instead after Disney signed the pair for a series of Star Wars flicks.…




No yolking matter: Google Translate cock-up gives Norwegians more than un œuf eggs

Fri, 09 Feb 2018 06:11:13 GMT

Chefs scramble after mistake turns 1,500 into 15,000

A group of Norwegian chefs blames Google Translate after the applications improperly ordered 1500 eggs to 15.000.…




Electronic Frontier Foundation chap John Perry Barlow has died

Thu, 08 Feb 2018 13:46:04 GMT

Cyberlibertarian and Grateful Dead lyricist passes away at 70

Obit John Perry Barlow, a co-founder of the US Electronic Frontier Foundation, and also a lyricist for the Grateful Dead, has died aged 70.…




ASA tells Poundland and its teabagging elf: Enough with the smutty social ninja sh*t

Wed, 07 Feb 2018 14:21:09 GMT

The 1970s called, they want their double entendres back

The UK's gummy-mouthed Advertising Standards Agency has given Poundland a gentle spank over a series of smutty tweets and posts on Facebook published over the Xmas period.…




Basket case lawsuit: Fancy fruit florists flail Google over rotten ads, demand $200m damages

Wed, 07 Feb 2018 06:08:11 GMT

Search results serve our rivals, not our produce, biz complains

Google is being sued for more than $200m (£143m) by makers of fruit bouquets – because the web giant unfairly prioritized competitors' wares over their arty produce in search results, allegedly.…




Dori-no! PepsiCo boss says biz is planning to sell lady crisps

Mon, 05 Feb 2018 17:32:11 GMT

Because girls don't like to lick their fingers or drink the crumbs

Poll The boss of PepsiCo – the parent company of Doritos – has suggested women need their own lady crisps, apparently so they can keep their mouths quiet and their fingers clean.…




A tiny Ohio village turned itself into a $3m speed-cam trap. Now it has to pay back the fines

Fri, 02 Feb 2018 22:37:35 GMT

Claim of 'sovereign immunity' laughed out of court

A tiny village in America has been ordered to pay back more than $3m in speeding fines it collected from motorists – after its claims of "sovereign immunity" were laughed out of court.…




Morrisons launches bizarre Yorkshire Pudding pizza thing

Fri, 02 Feb 2018 14:18:10 GMT

Would you eat it? Tell us why and you could win some Reg merch

Giveaway Brit supermarket chain Morrisons has sacked 1,500 middle managers – but fear not, they’ve also vomited out an unholy creation that is part pizza, part Yorkshire pudding.…




Are you taking the peacock? United Airlines deny flight to 'emotional support' bird

Wed, 31 Jan 2018 12:36:05 GMT

Angry bird: Artist's idea fails to take off

An artist was left spitting feathers after United Airlines told her she couldn't board a plane with her "emotional support" peacock.…




Borked bog forces flight carrying 83 plumbers to bug out back to base

Tue, 30 Jan 2018 13:45:05 GMT

The Morissette meter! It's off the scale!

A Norwegian airline flight carrying scores of plumbers was forced to make an unplanned break because of a persistent problem with the onboard water closet.…




Tsk-tsk, fat cat Softcat: Milk-slurping reseller taken to court

Tue, 30 Jan 2018 10:09:38 GMT

£830m listed firm eventually settled its unpaid moo juice bill

London Stock Exchange-listed tech box-shifter Softcat was taken to courts by a Leeds newsagent after the £832m turnover company failed to settle its milk bill.…




Timeout everyone. Y'all know that Musk's $500 'flamethrower' is literally a Boring blowtorch?

Mon, 29 Jan 2018 23:32:57 GMT

A flame shower not a grower

You've got to hand it to Elon Musk – the guy could sell pork pies at a rabbinical convention.…




RIP Ursula K Le Guin: The wizard of Earthsea

Thu, 25 Jan 2018 10:06:08 GMT

Dragon lady who told us our true names dies aged 88

Obit Beloved dragon-tale spinning author Ursula K Le Guin has died. The novelist, probably best known for the thoughtful 1974 "anarcho-utopian" tale The Dispossessed, spent a lifetime exploring themes around revolutionary societies, individualism, anarchism and, of course, dragons. She was 88.…




Brit escorts: Without the internet to keep us safe, we'd be totally screwed

Thu, 25 Jan 2018 06:04:10 GMT

Dodgy punters blacklisted on National Ugly Mugs database

A study into the effect of the internet on professional sex workers has shown the online world keeps them safer, happier in their job, and more able to weed out creepy customers.…




Pope wants journalism like the Catholic church wants child sex abuse probes: Slow, aimless...

Wed, 24 Jan 2018 21:33:36 GMT

Easy with those exclusives and unfortunate facts, hacks

Take it easy with those hard-hitting exclusives and investigations, said the Pope this week, lumping inconvenient quality journalism with fake news and clickbait.…




Camels disqualified from Saudi beauty contest for Botox-enhanced pouts

Wed, 24 Jan 2018 13:22:13 GMT

My humps, my humps, my humps, my lovely camel humps

Twelve cheating camels have been disqualified from a Saudi beauty pageant for having Botox injections to enhance their pouts.…




'There was no monetary incentive for this' = not what you want to hear about your tattoo

Tue, 23 Jan 2018 15:35:11 GMT

Database admin updates body art

A database admin liked Brit database tools biz Redgate Software so much that he decided to become a walking billboard and get the company logo tattooed on his arm. Fast forward nine years and his world imploded. Sort of.…




Playboy is suing Boing Boing over Imgur centrefold link

Mon, 22 Jan 2018 18:02:04 GMT

Court has been asked to toss out 'mystifying' sueball

Iconic lads' mag Playboy is suing oddball internet culture website Boing Boing for linking to an Imgur archive featuring scans of centrefold models from over the years – a move described by the US Electronic Frontier Foundation as "frankly mystifying".…




Take a former NSA head hacker, a Raspberry Pi, weird Kiwi radios and what do you get?

Mon, 22 Jan 2018 08:37:01 GMT

Legal – promise! – but completely mad Christmas lights, that's what

Shmoocon The news that Rob Joyce, former head of the NSA's elite hacking squad and now White House cybersecurity coordinator, was giving a talk at the Shmoocon infosec conference raised hopes he would offer up some juicy insights into the surveillance state or Donald Trump's cyber policies.…




Job ad for designer proves its point with MS Paint shocker

Mon, 22 Jan 2018 05:15:46 GMT

It’s the visual equivalent of "10 PRINT 'Developer Wanted'"

The City of Los Angeles has sparked plenty of chuckles with a job ad for a “Graphics Designer” that shows how desperately a new hire is needed by apparently using Microsoft Paint to illustrate the opportunity.…




How many Routemaster bus seats would it take to fill Wembley Stadium?

Thu, 18 Jan 2018 09:27:13 GMT

Potential Reg Standards Soviet entry? Let's take a closer look

A strong contender has emerged for an addition to The Register Standards Soviet's list of officially approved weights and measures: the Routemaster Fleet.…




France to lend Brexit Britain sore souvenir of Norman yoke – the Bayeux Tapestry

Wed, 17 Jan 2018 15:51:11 GMT

Prez Macron expected to agree loan when he meets PM

The French government will agree to lend the UK its most famous memento of the Norman conquest of England after Blighty leaves the EU.…




Butt plugs, mock cocks, late pay and paranoia: The world of Waymo star Anthony Levandowski… by his kids' nanny

Tue, 16 Jan 2018 21:52:08 GMT

This is a work of fiction, says engineer's lawyer

The engineer at the center of a massive self-driving car lawsuit – brought by Google-stablemate Waymo against Uber – neglects his kids, is wildly disorganized, and has a large selection of bondage gear, his former nanny has sensationally alleged.…




Private submarine builder charged with murder of journalist

Tue, 16 Jan 2018 16:52:12 GMT

Peter Madsen ruled fit to stand trial, but denies allegation

Danish submariner Peter Madsen has today been charged with the murder of journalist Kim Wall.…




Frenchman comes eye to eye with horror toilet python

Tue, 16 Jan 2018 12:27:08 GMT

'I could very well have been bitten in a sensitive place, if you know what I mean'

A lucky Frenchman has narrowly avoided having his todger bitten by a python that crawled up his U-bend.…




Junk food meets junk money: KFC starts selling Bitcoin Bucket

Mon, 15 Jan 2018 07:02:07 GMT

Transaction costs more than chicken, which would go cold by the time BTC change hands

KFC’s Canadian wing has started selling chicken for Bitcoin.…




Infamous Silicon Valley 'sex party' exactly as exciting as it sounds

Fri, 12 Jan 2018 22:57:06 GMT

Maybe they should have shoved in some AI love-bots to spice things up

Comment This week, the tech world has been consumed with intrigue over the details of alleged "sex parties" hosted by Silicon Valley's power brokers.…




Butcher breaks out of own freezer using black pudding

Thu, 11 Jan 2018 16:13:04 GMT

Beef and lamb prove to be inferior escape tools

A butcher channelled the power of Ecky-Thump to escape being locked in his freezer when he saved his skin by using black pudding.…




Heart of darkness: Inside the Osówka underground city

Thu, 11 Jan 2018 10:10:13 GMT

That time the Nazis hollowed out a mountain

Lurking just outside the Polish village of Sierpnica is a relic of World War II Nazi ambition. The Osówka complex is the largest and most accessible remnant of the huge Project Riese (translation: “Giant”), an effort to create an underground city capable of housing 20,000 or more Nazi troops and workers.…




UK.gov puts Suffolk 7-year-old's submarine design into production

Thu, 11 Jan 2018 09:36:12 GMT

'It was a bit tricky,' admits DSTL worker

The British government has put a seven-year-old boy's design for a submarine into production, saying the lad had "really thought about" his work.…




Fancy a fidget? Craze makes debut entry into PornHub's top searches

Wed, 10 Jan 2018 15:36:11 GMT

Also: UK viewers like to take a break for Bake Off and Strictly

PornHub's annual deep dive into user stats and searches has revealed that, in 2017, people decided to take the fidget spinner trend to new levels.…




Beer hall putz: Regulator slaps northern pub over Nazi-themed ad

Wed, 10 Jan 2018 11:59:11 GMT

Don't mention not mentioning the war

A pub in County Durham, England, has been rapped by the UK Advertising Standards Agency after three complaints about its "German Night" advert were upheld.…




Game of Thrones author's space horror Nightflyers hitting telly

Fri, 05 Jan 2018 17:12:10 GMT

Aliens and sinister AIs from the mind behind the greatest TV show ever? Colour me aroused

HBO's epic Game of Thrones cycle may be coming to a close, but fans of the books the show is based on can take heart that author George R R Martin (GRRM) is sending another of his works to the tellybox.…




Military alliance NATO adopts official hymn

Thu, 04 Jan 2018 17:43:11 GMT

That'll show Putin who's boss!

NATO, the military alliance originally formed to defend Europe against Soviet Russia, has formally adopted its own national anthem-style hymn.…




Jocks in shock as Irn-Bru set to slash sugar and girder content

Thu, 04 Jan 2018 13:15:10 GMT

They may take our lives, but they will never take our fizzy drink

Angry Scots are protesting against plans to slash the sugar content of their beloved national soft drink Irn-Bru and folk have begun stockpiling the beverage said to be a hangover cure.…




Wannabe W1 DOW-er faked car crash to track down reg plate's owner

Thu, 04 Jan 2018 11:40:10 GMT

Bristol man ordered to pay over £600 for data protection offence

A man from Bristol, England, lied to a government agency to get his hands on a private number plate reading "W1 DOW", a court has heard.…




Weed wish you a merry Christmas: Pot-toting OAPs tell cops 30kg stash is for pressies

Fri, 22 Dec 2017 12:37:07 GMT

Pair pulled over lugging wrong kind of trees

The friends and family of an elderly couple from Nebraska may have lost out on their share of almost 30kg of pot this festive season after cops spotted their stash.…




Australia's future technology headlines … for 2019!

Thu, 21 Dec 2017 23:03:06 GMT

Predictions are like armpits, everybody has at least two and they often stink

The technology industry loves to claim that the leaders of its Australian outposts are sages worthy of delivering prognostications from on high, rather than glorified territory managers with a continent to cover. So at this time of year they send El Reg predictions for what will happen on the local tech scene during the next trip around the Sun.…




Meet R2-DILDO: 'Star Wars' sex toys? This is where the fun begins

Thu, 21 Dec 2017 14:00:06 GMT

I have a good... er, I mean a bad feeling about this...

Purveyor of, er, marital aids Geeky Sex Toys this month released a "Star Toys" range, a series of intimate tools for him and her brought lovingly to life in the shape of characters from the Star Wars franchise.…




Danger! High voltage: Kraut customs bods burn half-tonne of weed in power station

Wed, 20 Dec 2017 17:19:10 GMT

Marijuana of unknown origin sent up in smoke

A power station in Olching, Bavaria, blazed like it was 4/20 yesterday after German authorities used it to burn around 550kg of marijuana.…




How Google's black box Knowledge Graph can kill you

Tue, 19 Dec 2017 17:06:09 GMT

Factoid flu

Comment When Knowledge Graph – Google's apparently authoritative box to the side of the search results – sneezes, the world catches a factoid flu.…




Ey-up, mardy Rochdale council has dropped plans for ban on swearing. Thank f$ck!

Tue, 19 Dec 2017 11:57:13 GMT

You pillocks, that was never goin' t'werk in this Lanky town

The northern council of Rochdale has scrapped its plan to fine people £100 for swearing in the town.…