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Preview: The Register - Odds and Sods: Letters

The Register - Bootnotes

Biting the hand that feeds IT

Copyright: Copyright 2017, Situation Publishing

'Coke dealer' called us after his stash was stolen – cops

Thu, 20 Jul 2017 12:37:16 GMT

Sir, what is your occupation? Um, what?

A man called the cops to report that cash and a bag of Columbian marching powder stashed in his car had been nicked, police arrest documents have revealed.…

Breathless F-35 pilots to get oxygen boost via algorithm tweak

Thu, 20 Jul 2017 08:32:12 GMT

'OMG zillion-dollar jet is hackable' conspiracy theories in 3, 2, 1...

The oxygen deprivation problems that choked F-35 pilots will be fixed through a software update, according to US reports – with the UK's handful of F-35B jets also in line for the fix.…

Stop all news – it's time for us plebs to be told about BBC paycheques!

Wed, 19 Jul 2017 14:50:12 GMT

Sexism in the Telly Tax, sexism in pay deals... where else, Auntie?

Comment The BBC is trembling with excitement following the enforced publication of the annual salaries of on-screen stars earning more than £150,000 at the tax-funded broadcaster.…

Disneyland to become wretched hive of scum and villainy

Wed, 19 Jul 2017 07:14:04 GMT

These might be the Star Wars-themed hotel and rides you are looking for

Disney has revealed plans to create a wretched hive of scum and villainy adjacent to one of its theme parks.…

Jodie Who-ttaker? The Doctor is in

Mon, 17 Jul 2017 13:01:11 GMT

Thirteen? Thirteen? The Doctor Who fans will see you now

The timelord of Doctor Who, a man since 1963, will be portrayed by a woman – actress Jodie Whittaker – for the first time.…

Jesus walks away after 7,000lb pipe van incident

Mon, 17 Jul 2017 11:56:11 GMT

Local cops issue ticket afterwards

Jesus has miraculously survived a great weight from the heavens that should have crushed him to death, according to Florida TV.…

Truck spills slimy load all over Oregon road – drivers slip in eel slick

Fri, 14 Jul 2017 09:52:32 GMT

Korean 'delicacy' cakes cars

It's always The Register's pleasure to remind you that, however bad you think your day is going, someone else has it worse.…

What can you do with adult VR, some bronze gears and a robotic thumb? On a Friday?

Fri, 14 Jul 2017 08:37:09 GMT

Well, it gets a prosthetic thumbs-up from me

Something for the Weekend, Sir? A VR headset is pressing down on the bridge of my nose. The strap is pulling out strands of hair from the back of my head. I have bruised shins after walking into a coffee table.…

'Help! I'm stuck in this ATM,' writes poor bloke on a scribbled note

Fri, 14 Jul 2017 06:06:12 GMT

Cops rescue trapped technician

Police were called to a bank in Corpus Christi, Texas, after a customer getting money out of an ATM was passed a note pleading for help from inside the machine.…

Top tip for all you insider traders: Don't Google 'insider trading' from your work PC

Fri, 14 Jul 2017 05:04:06 GMT

Bloke accused of fraud may well be the Wolf of LOL Street

An MIT postdoctoral staffer was arrested and charged with insider trading after he allegedly searched online for tips on committing the crime.…

Fake Newspaper steals Reg design to spruik storage upstart

Fri, 14 Jul 2017 04:16:16 GMT

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery (but we haven't checked that with our lawyers)

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but perhaps whoever designed the website for storage upstart has gone a little too far: when Reg operatives decided to read beyond our story on the company, we found its website appears to have borrowed ours!…

Adult toy retailer slapped down for 'RES-ERECTI*N' ad over Easter

Wed, 12 Jul 2017 12:29:03 GMT

Didn't manage to pull it off

Adult toys and lingerie retailer Honey Birdette was today placed on the naughty step by the UK's egg-xacting watchdog the Advertising Standards Authority for mixing sex and religion in a promotion over Easter.…

May the excessive force be with you: Chap cuffed after Star Trek v Star Wars row turns bloody

Fri, 07 Jul 2017 23:30:29 GMT

Settle this like the illogical humans you are – vote on which is best

Poll A bloke was arrested after a shouting match with a pal over Star Wars versus Star Trek led to blood being spilled.…

Bonkers call to boycott Raspberry Pi Foundation over 'gay agenda'

Tue, 04 Jul 2017 14:25:05 GMT

This week, in crappy online petition land...

Few could argue with what the Raspberry Pi has achieved. As well as inspiring countless youngsters into computing, the tiny affordable gadget is beloved by amateur and professional techies alike.…

One thought equivalent to less than a single proton in mass

Tue, 04 Jul 2017 12:36:07 GMT

Fraction required to equal one Katie Hopkins column still unknown

Reg Standards Bureau A headline in the venerable New Scientist magazine "Protons are lighter than thought" has prompted El Reg's Standards Bureau to consider the notion of thought as a small unit of mass.…

Male escort says he gave up IT to do something more meaningful

Mon, 03 Jul 2017 11:33:42 GMT

Unlike in tech, 'I get to make a small difference to people's lives'

A male escort has opened up about leaving behind his uncomfortable experiences soullessly prostituting himself in IT in favour of working in the sex industry.…

In touching tribute to Samsung Note 7, fidget spinners burst in flames

Thu, 29 Jun 2017 20:42:31 GMT

Hang on, there's a tech angle in here somewhere... IoT, right?

Fad-crazed parents have something new to worry about, as reports suggest that fidget spinners can pose a fire risk.…

The 'DUP' joins El Reg’s illustrious online standards converter

Tue, 27 Jun 2017 14:34:05 GMT

How much can you find down the back of your sofa?

Reg Standards Bureau In light of yesterday’s mega-bucks deal between the Tories and the Democratic Unionist Party, El Reg has added another unit of measurement to our Standards Bureau.…

Snoop Dogg swerves Glasto, plays Pure Storage gig #keepitreal

Mon, 26 Jun 2017 12:06:58 GMT

'Where all the sexy ladies at?' Snoop asks hall of middle-aged suits

The great and good of the music industry - and Jeremy Corbyn - descended on UK’s lively Glastonbury music festival this weekend, while in another part of the world a hip hop old-timer went on stage to die.…

Men charged with theft of free newspapers

Mon, 26 Jun 2017 08:37:06 GMT

Bundles of future chip wrappers allegedly nabbed from London rail station

Two men have been charged with theft for allegedly helping themselves to bundles of free newspapers from London Bridge railway station.…

Ex-NASA bod on Gwyneth Paltrow site's 'healing' stickers: 'Wow. What a load of BS'

Fri, 23 Jun 2017 11:20:05 GMT

Paltrow, we have a problem

Current and former NASA scientists have called bullshit on claims seen on alternative "wellness" wallet-relieving blab-blog Goop, run by former famous actress and current linens-for-rich-ladies slinger Gwyneth Paltrow.…

Genoans flout terror ban with bumper basil hand baggage policy

Thu, 22 Jun 2017 16:32:07 GMT

Sauce on a plane

Heightened security at airports clearly doesn't apply to all liquids, at least not in Italy. An airport in Genoa is now allowing flyers to travel with jars of the local speciality sauce – pesto.…

Canadian sniper makes kill shot at distance of 3.5 KILOMETRES

Thu, 22 Jun 2017 15:28:12 GMT

He'd have been aiming higher than the top of London's Shard to hit his mark

A Canadian sniper has reportedly shot dead an Islamic State terrorist from the astonishing distance of 3,450 metres – more than two miles away.…

Researchers take the piss with pee-powered liquid energy project

Wed, 21 Jun 2017 07:00:04 GMT

Bill Gates' cistern system uses your personal recharger

Boffins in Bristol have the perfect solution to the two most common late-night problems: finding somewhere to urinate and keeping your phone charged.…

Hotheaded Brussels civil servants issued with cool warning: Leak

Mon, 19 Jun 2017 12:38:42 GMT

Brexit? No, no... it's baking! Put away the booze, biz-suit

If he listened to the latest advice from HR types working for the European Commission, Brexit secretary David Davis may today be sat in a darkened room, dressed in cabana wear, as talks with the EU’s chief negotiator begin.…

When corporate signage goes BAD

Mon, 19 Jun 2017 08:01:04 GMT

The Cisco slip of 2010

LogoBotch Thanks to a sharp-eyed Reg reader in Norway who snapped the local Cisco offices, everyone can cop an eyeful of the unfortunate rebranding exercise that happened after it bought Tandberg in 2010.…

AWS launches celebrity-spotting-as-a-service: What a time to be alive

Tue, 13 Jun 2017 02:35:25 GMT

Cloud can now ID 'hundreds of thousands' of athletes, pollies, actors, struggles with oiled butt

At last - a cloud service that will get the unwashed masses excited about cloud: Amazon Web Services has added celebrity-spotting-as-a-service to its cloud.…

Swedish school pumps up volume to ease toilet trauma

Mon, 12 Jun 2017 14:58:07 GMT

Don't blush, just flush

Rather than forcing kids to suffer the embarrassment of composing their own wind sections in the toilets at schools, one solution proposed in northern Europe is to pipe in sweet music to drown out any anal-based arias.…

Hyperloop One teases idea of 50-minute London-Edinburgh ride

Wed, 07 Jun 2017 06:57:08 GMT

Reveals candidate European routes, two tunnels under the Med, under under Baltic Sea

Hyperloop One, the company trying to commercialise the train-in-a-vacuum-tube tech proposed by Elon Musk, has unveiled its proposed European routes.…

Class clowns literally classless: Harvard axes meme-flinging morons

Mon, 05 Jun 2017 20:21:57 GMT

Uni gives kids a lesson they'll never forget after spreading stupidity on Facebook

At least ten students due to start at Harvard this fall have had their admission offers torn up – after they swapped offensive piffle online.…

Oil and lube firm offers to ease pains of frustrated office workers

Mon, 05 Jun 2017 12:32:14 GMT

Emo Oil targets overheated marketeers and frigid FM specialists alike

If you're worried that your fellow office workers' productivity is being compromised because they're boiling over with "frustration", Northern Ireland's Emo Oil is promising to relieve their plight with its selection of oils and lubricants.…

Utah fights man's attempt to marry laptop

Fri, 02 Jun 2017 22:02:43 GMT

Foe of same-sex unions seeks to wed machine

The Utah Attorney General's Office says marrying a laptop is not a constitutionally protected right, particularly if it's less than fifteen years old.…

German robo-pastor preaches the GNU Testament

Wed, 31 May 2017 02:40:59 GMT

Bless me father for I have SYNTAX ERROR

A church in Germany has built a robot priest to celebrate the 500th anniversary of the Protestant Reformation.…

IBM marketeers rub out chopper after visit from CEO Ginni

Tue, 30 May 2017 09:37:07 GMT

Not a good fit. Apparently

IBM has tried to erase the photograph of the Big Blue chopper that CEO, president and chairman Ginny Rometty used to fly to the UK R&D labs recently, because it didn’t fit with the corporate austerity message.…

I'll take the sandtrooper in white: Meet the rebel scum making Star Wars armour sets for a living

Tue, 30 May 2017 08:02:11 GMT

Short of £180,000? These guys will sort you out

Star Wars New Hope @ 40 Two years ago, the helmet of an Empire Strikes Back stormtrooper fetched $120,000 (£92,736) at US auction.…

WannaLaugh? Funsters port WannaCrypt to Commodore, Cisco, Nintendo and Tesla

Mon, 29 May 2017 08:02:07 GMT

Some folk have Photoshop and too much time on their hands

The WannaCrypt ransomware is yet another reminder, if any were needed, that the networks and machines on which society is now so reliant are laughably insecure.…

The revolution will not be televised: How Lucas modernised audio in film

Fri, 26 May 2017 09:06:12 GMT

Thank God for Jedi (and other words I thought I'd never use)

Star Wars New Hope @ 40 The opening sequence of Star Wars is designed to give you a jolt. It's heightened by those moments after the legend "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away..." has faded, leaving you sitting in a silent, pitch-black cinema auditorium.…

Walkers' Crisps pulls backfiring Tweet campaign that paired Gary Lineker and a bunch of nasties

Thu, 25 May 2017 16:21:02 GMT

Pranksters game promo to feature sex crims, murderers, terrorists....

Walkers' Crisps is desperately scrabbling to clean up a Twitter promo campaign after miscreants gamed it to broadcast videos of Gary Lineker holding up photos of paedophiles, murderers, terrorists and other such scum of the earth.…

Industrial Light & Magic: 40 years of Lucas's pioneering FX-wing

Thu, 25 May 2017 08:38:06 GMT

The roots of multithreaded rendering software

Star Wars New Hope @ 40 In the 40 years since the release of the original Star Wars, special effects have changed beyond recognition.…

'Odour' from AnalTech ramming leads to hazmat team callout

Wed, 24 May 2017 12:34:09 GMT

Some might say this is fake news. It isn't

An American company implausibly named AnalTech – no, really – has been slammed hard enough for a hazardous materials response team to be called out to deal with the smell.…

Armstrong's moon-purse set for $4m bid-off

Tue, 23 May 2017 23:53:25 GMT

One small bag for a man, one giant check for Sotheby's

The bag Neil Armstrong used to carry home lunar samples from the Apollo 11 mission could fetch up to $4m at auction next month.…

IT firms guilty of blasting customers with soul-numbing canned music

Tue, 23 May 2017 09:01:05 GMT

That's rich, coming from an audio-branded-call-handling biz

Self-serving research published with the sole aim of flogging wares is a fairly standard PR tactic. But every now and then something so artfully shameless pops up it transcends the genre. Step forward, PHMG.…

Vegemite tries to hijack Qantas name-our-planes competition

Mon, 22 May 2017 16:03:10 GMT

He just smiled and gave me... er, a copy of the Ts and Cs

Vegemite is trying to hijack Australian airline Qantas's public competition to name its new airliners.…

After stiffing us with Trump, Weiner 'fesses to underage cock shot rot

Fri, 19 May 2017 18:48:09 GMT

'I have a sickness,' former politician notices while facing two years in chokey

Disgraced politician Anthony Weiner has finally realized what the rest of the world has known for some time.…

Man sues date for cinema texting fiasco, demands $17.31

Fri, 19 May 2017 12:23:10 GMT

'Defendant’s behaviour is a threat to civilised society', claims Texan

A Texan is suing his date for the cost of a cinema ticket after she upset him by sending a bunch of texts to a pal while watching Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 2.…

White House sicko sent down for 20 years after sexting underage girls

Thu, 18 May 2017 23:50:34 GMT

No, not who you're thinking of. Sad!

A US Secret Service agent tasked with protecting the White House has started a 20-year stretch for sending explicit snaps to underage girls – sometimes while on duty.…

Leeds cops issue appeal for man-sized todger

Wed, 17 May 2017 12:04:09 GMT

Pricking your memory, anyone?

West Yorkshire police are seeking a giant penis who may have witnessed a serious assault in Leeds city centre in April.…

Train station's giant screens showed web smut at peak hour

Wed, 17 May 2017 06:33:11 GMT

The 17:21 to Happy Town is going in and out and is aaah-aah-bout to finish its journey

Commuters at Washington DC's Union Station were left unsure if they were coming or going on Monday, when streamed smut started to appear on digital signs during peak hour. And it appears there's a rash of such incidents taking place around the world.…

MP3 'died' and nobody noticed: Key patents expire on golden oldie tech

Tue, 16 May 2017 11:38:05 GMT

And Fraunhofer won't renew 'em

Key patents held on the MP3 audio format expired last month – and it's taken three weeks for anyone to notice.…

Blighty bloke: PC World lost my Mac Mini – and trolled my blog!

Tue, 16 May 2017 05:04:07 GMT

Retailer accused of acting like a real bunch of Dixons

A British man says PC World botched his order, then staff trolled his blog after he wrote a post complaining about it.…