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Drama brews on high seas as Playmobil ship running out of steam

Fri, 20 Apr 2018 16:06:06 GMT

Vessel charts a course to pirate tax haven

A Playmobil pirate ships's journey to the Caribbean sea risks being scuppered as its supplies run low.…




Tech bribes: What's the WORST one you've ever been offered?

Fri, 20 Apr 2018 08:41:56 GMT

Bros gig, smellies, branded socks... Here are our tales. Tell us yours

Some tickets to a Bros reunion gig in return for a favourable article? £1,500 to do a straight rewrite of a press release? Or some "free" man perfume from Kaspersky called Eau d'Eugene. Just what would you accept as a gift bribe to do someone's corporate bidding?…




There is no perceived IT generation gap: Young people really are thick

Fri, 20 Apr 2018 08:05:30 GMT

Grumble grumble where's me suet pudding in Bovril etc

Something for the Weekend, Sir? Blank faces abound. No, not all are blank: some are horrified, revolted even. What did I say?…




Size does matter, chaps: Oversized todgers an evolutionary handicap

Wed, 18 Apr 2018 11:34:37 GMT

Boffins find supersized bits do not stand the test of time

A study published by Nature this month suggests less is more when it comes to male genitals and species survival.…




Car-crash television: 'Excuse me ma'am, do you speak English?' 'Yes I do,' replies AMD's CEO

Mon, 16 Apr 2018 18:38:40 GMT

Martin Brundle left red-faced after Chinese Grand Prix snafu

Some of us love watching Formula One for the prangs and crashes – but we don't really expect them to happen before the race even begins.…




UK pub chain Wetherspoons' last call: ♫ Just a spoonful of Twitter – let's pull social media down ♫

Mon, 16 Apr 2018 09:10:06 GMT

God, what kind of digital business are they running?

There's only one reason to head to cheap 'n' cheerful UK pub chain Wetherspoons and it is about to be taken away. No, we're not talking about the cheap beer, ever-shrinking menu options, or politically nuanced beer mats.…




The first rule of maths class: Don't start a fight club

Fri, 13 Apr 2018 12:03:38 GMT

Teacher nabbed for allegedly allowing kids to give each other a 'bunch of fives'*

A bored substitute maths teacher from Connecticut has been cuffed for allegedly starting a fight club in his lessons.…




Best thing about a smart toilet? You can take your mobile in without polluting it

Fri, 13 Apr 2018 08:07:11 GMT

It really makes you sit and think, doesn't it?

Something for the Weekend, Sir? A man on the internet wants me to take a look at his ring.…




Donkey Wrong: Arcade legend Billy Mitchell booted from record books amid MAME row

Thu, 12 Apr 2018 18:51:39 GMT

Eye-popping scores were thanks to emulators – claim

Legendary video arcade games player Billy Mitchell will be wiped from the gaming industry's official list of record high scores.…




'Dear Mr F*ckingjoking': UK PM Theresa May's mass marketing missive misses mark

Thu, 12 Apr 2018 12:29:12 GMT

Party apologises after begging letter topped by 'offensive' name

Britain's ruling Conservative Party was today forced to apologise to an elderly couple that received a letter, signed from the PM, addressed to a Mr Youmustbe F*ckingjoking.…




Penis pothole protester: Cambridge's 'Wanksy' art shows feted

Wed, 11 Apr 2018 14:16:57 GMT

Resident: 'We can see those potholes coming now'

A Cambridge-based protester has been heralded for daubing penises around potholes - the latest in a rising trend of phallic crater painters.…




Snubbed R Us: Microsoft eschews Vulture Consultants in Playmobil tech research

Wed, 11 Apr 2018 11:54:48 GMT

MS 'toy lovers' create sensor mat with NFC-tagged thesps

Despite a failure to consult Reg Playmobil academia, Microsoft Research has unleashed new toy findings: a playmat for little ones that combines capacitive sensing, Near Field Communication (NFC), a kid-friendly user interface and Playmobil.…




El Reg needs you – to help build an automated beer-transporting robot

Wed, 11 Apr 2018 10:39:36 GMT

We're thirsty and comfy and there's work to do and it's faaar

The Register needs to build a robot capable of transporting multiple pints of beer without spilling a drop. Can you help?…




German sauna drags punters to court over naked truth

Tue, 10 Apr 2018 13:09:05 GMT

Two people in one changing room? Nein und €600 fine

A steamy romp in a sauna – like there's any other kind – has landed two alleged canoodlers in hot water.…




Fear the Reaper: Man hospitalised after eating red hot chilli pepper

Tue, 10 Apr 2018 10:51:08 GMT

Competitive eater bit off more than he could chew

A man had to be taken to hospital after eating one of the world's hottest peppers in an eating contest, it has emerged.…




UK 'wife'-carrying champion named

Mon, 09 Apr 2018 14:07:07 GMT

Couple will represent Blighty at international contest in Finland

Chris Hepworth has been named winner of the UK's 11th annual "wife"-carrying contest – an honour that not only bestows glory but also a £150 barrel of local ale.…




My Tibetan digital detox lasted one morning, how about yours?

Fri, 06 Apr 2018 09:03:05 GMT

It can be cold and lonely at the tip

Something for the Weekend, Sir? My nuts are freezing. So are my toes and fingertips. It's chilly here on my remote Tibetan mountaintop.…




My PC makes ‘negative energy waves’, said user, then demanded fix

Fri, 06 Apr 2018 07:02:11 GMT

Ignorance of the giant radio antennae atop the office building was bliss

On-Call Everybody’s working for the weekend, the song goes, but here at On-Call, The Register works to bring you a weekly story of a fellow reader’s tech support trauma.…




Are meta, self-referential or recursive science-fiction films doomed?

Thu, 05 Apr 2018 08:04:06 GMT

They're certainly difficult to make well

The hype machine has been tuned to 11 for Steven Spielberg's metafest Ready Player One, which opened in time for Easter.…




Danish Navy expert finds no trace of exhaust gas in private submarine

Wed, 04 Apr 2018 15:00:10 GMT

Peter Madsen's explanation for death of Kim Wall contested

A senior Royal Danish Navy officer has disputed Peter Madsen's claim that Swedish journalist Kim Wall's death was caused by exhaust fumes aboard his crowdfunded submarine.…




Commonwealth Games brochure declares that England is now in Africa

Wed, 04 Apr 2018 13:35:46 GMT

I bless the rains down in Tunbridge Wells...

England's Commonwealth Games team actually hail from Africa, according to none other than the tournament's organisers.…




2001 set the standard for the next 50 years of hard (and some soft) sci-fi

Wed, 04 Apr 2018 08:05:07 GMT

How movie magic was achieved long before the arrival of CGI

Finally, after almost half a century of waiting, you can welcome the mildly homicidal artificial intelligence HAL 9000 into your home. If you want.…




Which? leads decrepit email service behind barn, single shot rings out over valley

Tue, 03 Apr 2018 11:51:08 GMT

Users fuming... if only they had a consumer champion to turn to

Consumer group Which? is to terminate its 20-plus-year-old email service, giving long-standing users two months to switch accounts.…




2001: A Space Odyssey has haunted pop culture with anxiety about rogue AIs for half a century

Tue, 03 Apr 2018 08:34:07 GMT

But Stanley Kubrick and Arthur C Clarke's monument could've been a very different beast

HAL: Dave, I don't understand why you have to do this to me. I know I've done some bad things, but I've still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission.




Super Cali goes ballistic, Starbucks is on notice: Expensive milky coffee is something quite cancerous

Fri, 30 Mar 2018 19:39:11 GMT

Even now your java kills you – man, these rules are bogus

A California judge has ordered major coffee chains to put a cancer warning on their beverages.…




Happy 100th birthday to the Royal Air Force

Fri, 30 Mar 2018 10:27:05 GMT

What's the RAF ever done for us, apart from being born on April Fool's Day?

This Sunday marks the 100th birthday of the Royal Air Force - Britain’s military arm for the skies - as a separate Armed Force in its own right. The RAF has been at the forefront of technological innovations over the last century, many of which are still in use to this day.…




The Register Opera Company presents: The Pirates of Penzance, Sysadmin edition

Fri, 30 Mar 2018 07:02:08 GMT

A fellow reader ♬ Is the very model of an ICT professional ♬

On-Call Easter Special Why look at that, it’s 07:00 GMT Friday, the slot when The Register usually runs “On-Call”, our tales of tech support woes.…




Please no Basic Instinct flashing, HPE legal eagles warn staffers

Thu, 29 Mar 2018 09:32:12 GMT

Who wears the pants round here? We all do when on stage

Hewlett Packard Enterprises' legal and admin division – it is bigger than you might think – has issued guidance for staff presenting to colleagues, including some, er, dress code tips for male and female workers.…




London's Postal Museum takes letter-opener to watery WWII mailbag

Thu, 29 Mar 2018 08:02:06 GMT

Torpedoed ship's missives opened 77 years later

The London Postal Museum has opened a wartime mailbag to the public in "Voices from the Deep", an exhibition of letters discovered 4.8km (3 miles) underwater in the wreckage of the SS Gairsoppa.…




Are you able to read this headline? Then you're not Julian Assange. His broadband is unplugged

Wed, 28 Mar 2018 18:50:31 GMT

Ecuador puts WikiLeaks boss in digital time-out over comments

Supporters of WikiLeaks are sounding alarms as founder Julian Assange has had his internet access cut to his Ecuadorian embassy broom cupboard.…




There are 10 types of people in the world, but there is only one Melvyn

Wed, 28 Mar 2018 08:05:08 GMT

Verity puts a Bragg in your shell-like

Stob The podcast is the great civiliser of the modern journey to work: consume as you commune as you commute. The career-minded IT Pro, isolated and ear-shelled up like Mildred Montag in Fahrenheit 451, can simultaneously CPD up the latest tech while elbowing down the carriage to be near the woman who, having stowed her iPad in its iPouch, looks as though she might quit her seat to alight at the next station-stop-halt-stop-station-station.…




Skip-wrecked! Boat full o' rubbish scuppered in Brit residential street

Tue, 27 Mar 2018 11:55:06 GMT

The 'last thing you want' when selling up, sighs neighbour

Dumping boats on streets may just be a thing after an another example showed up, this time on the streets of Southampton and filled with all sorts of garbage.…




April FAIL as IETF's funny-but-dodgy draft doc arrives a week early

Mon, 26 Mar 2018 06:02:05 GMT

Holy Hand Grenade proposes update to RFC 8140 but blows back on the court of King Arthur

The Internet Engineering Task Force has a long and honourable tradition of April Fool's jokes, but to The Register's knowledge, this is a first: an April 1 document published ahead of time.…




Google gives its $1m Turing prize to, er, top Google bods: RISC men Hennessy, Patterson

Wed, 21 Mar 2018 21:18:48 GMT

Silicon Valley boffins bag Nobel Prize of computer science

The two engineers who further developed and popularized the concept of RISC microprocessors have won the 2017 ACM Turing Award.…




You must be yolking: English pub to launch eggstravagent Yorkshire pudding

Tue, 20 Mar 2018 13:58:11 GMT

Cracking idea or chocolate-coated nightmare?

A Nottingham pub reckons it has cracked Easter PR with the launch of a Cadbury Creme Egg Yorkshire pud*.…




Nip/Tug: Plastic surgeon accused of mid-surgery 'hardcore' smut binge

Sat, 17 Mar 2018 00:52:27 GMT

Come for the nose job, stay for the... denials of any wrongdoing

A Los Angeles plastic surgeon has been accused of watching porn videos on a screen while performing surgery.…




Cyborg fined for riding train without valid ticket

Fri, 16 Mar 2018 03:57:07 GMT

Subcutaneous smart card doesn’t cut it in Sydney

A self-described “cyborg” who slipped a public transport smartcard under his skin has pled guilty to riding trains without a valid ticket and copped a fine, plus costs.…




Boeing ships its 10,000th 737

Thu, 15 Mar 2018 08:02:14 GMT

Airlines want another 4,600 of the single-aisle workhorse that debuted in 1967

Boeing has revealed that the 10,000th 737 rolled off the production line this week.…




Millionaire-backed science fiction church to launch Scientology TV network

Mon, 12 Mar 2018 16:31:10 GMT

Sorry if this sounds a little… Xenu-phobic

The Church of Scientology, founded by sci-fi author L Ron Hubbard, is set to start broadcasting its own TV programmes tonight.…




Screw everything! French swingers campsite up for sale, owners 'tired'

Fri, 09 Mar 2018 13:35:13 GMT

Voulez-vous acheter le hotspot pour le shagging en plein air?

The "world's first 100 per cent swingers camping ground" has been put up for sale because "we are tired", its pensioner owners have said.…




Ocado to stock cannabidiol-infused water

Wed, 07 Mar 2018 16:28:07 GMT

Are you high?

For Wednesday's bollocks du jour comes news that Ocado, the UK online grocer, is to fling bottles of cannabis oil-infused spring water at gullible thirsty customers.…




Suspected drug dealer who refused to poo for 46 DAYS released... on bail

Wed, 07 Mar 2018 14:51:15 GMT

Still on bunger strike

A suspected drug dealer's bowels have won out over Essex cops after he was released from custody by resisting the urge to poo for 46 days.…




Paul Allen's research vessel finds wreck of WWII US aircraft carrier

Tue, 06 Mar 2018 14:16:10 GMT

USS Lexington discovered 500 miles off Australia

Pics Billionaire Microsoftie Paul Allen has found yet another sunken warship – an amazingly well-preserved Second World War US aircraft carrier.…




Apple's new 'spaceship' HQ brings the pane for unobservant workers

Tue, 06 Mar 2018 13:11:05 GMT

911 transcripts tell of staff lying on ground, heads bleeding

Apple's $5bn Norman Foster-designed "spaceship" HQ isn't finished yet, but it's already taking out puny humans.…




Hey girl, move a little closer. 'Cause you're too gun shy. Hush, hush, bye says Pai

Fri, 02 Mar 2018 21:22:58 GMT

FCC boss turns down showpiece rifle gong

Ajit Pai, the boss of America's communications watchdog, the FCC, says he won't be picking the collectable rifle awarded to him by the NRA as a prize for killing net neutrality.…




OK, who is shooting at Apple staff buses in California? Knock it off

Fri, 02 Mar 2018 21:15:57 GMT

CHiPs deploy bait bus to catch Silicon Valley sniper

Over the past 45 days, a mystery sniper has been shooting the windows of 20 charter buses driving Apple staff and other geeks to work in Silicon Valley.…




Britain ignores booze guidelines – heads for the pub

Fri, 02 Mar 2018 15:04:10 GMT

No safe limit? Yerjokinarentyer?

A University of Sheffield study has found that controversial new alcohol guidelines published in 2016 had no discernible effect on British drinking habits.…




Fancy owning a two-seat Second World War Messerschmitt fighter?

Fri, 02 Mar 2018 10:32:43 GMT

Up for auction, rare Spanish copy flown by both British and German aces

A super-rare Spanish copy of the Messerschmitt Me109 fighter of Second World War infamy, which was flown by both British and German aces, has gone up for auction.…




Oh honey! Oxfordshire abuzz with reports of a MEEELLION bees stolen

Thu, 01 Mar 2018 12:58:04 GMT

Thames Valley Police a hive of activity after the a-pollen crime

The cops have been called in to investigate a major bee heist after 40 hives were reported stolen from an Oxfordshire farm.…




Star Paws: Attack of the clones

Wed, 28 Feb 2018 14:04:11 GMT

The Streisand effect: Diva double-duplicates dead dog

In the ultimate barking mad diva act, Barbra Streisand has revealed she cloned her beloved dead dog Samantha, creating two more replicant canines.…