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Copyright: Copyright 2017, Situation Publishing
 



Kebab and pizza shop owner jailed for hiding £179k from the taxman

Fri, 22 Sep 2017 12:19:04 GMT

What a carve-up!

A kebab shop owner who had sliced off a chunk of his takings and hid it from the taxman has been sent down for 30 months.…




You forgot that you hired me and now you're saying it's MY fault?

Fri, 22 Sep 2017 08:03:25 GMT

Just install the trial software on 1,000 PCs and I'll be on my way

Something for the Weekend, Sir? "I'm sorry, who are you again?"…




Quebec takes mature approach to 'grilled cheese' ban

Thu, 21 Sep 2017 14:41:09 GMT

It's for the grater good

After Caerphilly considering its position, Quebec's French-language watchdog has decided it doesn't give edam about its linguistic ban on using "anglicisms" such as "grilled cheese", a move that has been welcomed as gouda news.…




Programming in the Middle Ages: Docker makes a lovely pair of trousers

Tue, 19 Sep 2017 09:14:11 GMT

Lest we forget

Stob These days we hear a lot about luring the young away from happy, fulfilling careers and into the world of programming. The kids have been freed from the tedious yoke of the boring and 'Microsoft-heavy' ITC syllabuses courtesy of popular hero Michael Gove.…




RIP Stanislav Petrov: Russian colonel who saved world from all-out nuclear war

Mon, 18 Sep 2017 19:24:19 GMT

Quiet hero dies at 77

Obit Stanislav Petrov, one of the unsung heroes of the Cold War without whose guts and intelligence you wouldn't be reading this, has died at the age of 77, his son has confirmed.…




Jon Hamm of Mad Men to lend his lungs to bounty hunter Boba Fett

Mon, 18 Sep 2017 15:33:11 GMT

In audiobook form at least

Square-jawed chunk of hunk Jon Hamm of Mad Men fame is to play everyone's favourite bounty botherer from a galaxy far, far away – Boba Fett.…




A todger, a 2.5kg dumbbell, the fire brigade... and the inevitable angle grinder

Mon, 18 Sep 2017 15:03:13 GMT

German joins growing list of blokes saved by a saw

A German chap is in recovery mode after firefighters battled tirelessly for three hours to free his member from a dumbbell weight.…




Pennsylvania cops deploy electronics sniffer dog to catch child abusers

Wed, 13 Sep 2017 21:29:25 GMT

Hard drive hound ready for duty

Sniffer dogs have been used to detect drugs and explosives for years, but now Delaware police have a new type of K-9 – one trained to sniff out hard drives and electronic storage devices.…




Sci-Fi titan Jerry Pournelle passes,
aged 84

Mon, 11 Sep 2017 06:01:06 GMT

New Wave giant, journalist, essayist and Byte columnist now a mote in God's eye

One of the giants of “New Wave” hard science fiction, Jerry Pournelle, has died aged 84.…




Vid game's easiest level makes players white, hardest level makes them black

Fri, 08 Sep 2017 05:32:12 GMT

South Park doing what it does best: making you laugh, uncomfortably

Science fiction author John Scalzi once wrote that “In the role playing game known as The Real World, 'Straight White Male' is the lowest difficulty setting there is.”…




Sub plot subplot thickens: Madsen claims hatch fumble killed Swede journo Kim Wall

Wed, 06 Sep 2017 06:04:08 GMT

Crowdfunded submarine maker blames door slip

The submarine captain accused of killing a Swedish journalist onboard his homemade vessel says she died when a hatch door accidentally hit her head.…




It's official: Users navigate flat UI designs 22 per cent slower

Tue, 05 Sep 2017 11:03:05 GMT

Put in some chrome and shade

The mania for "flat" user interfaces is costing publishers and ecommerce sites billions in lost revenue.…




Thousands of hornets swarm over innocent fire service drone

Mon, 04 Sep 2017 16:29:10 GMT

Never mind robots, get a load of these winged horrors

Rise of the Insects A Jersey-based drone was brutally attacked by a swarm of Asian hornets after disturbing a nest thought to contain thousands of the angry insects.…




Argentina eyes up laser death cannon testbed warship

Mon, 04 Sep 2017 14:48:07 GMT

Looking to buy the elderly American Ponce

Argentina reportedly wants to buy the US Navy’s laser death ray testbed warship, the fearsomely named USS Ponce.…




Well, whad'ya know? 'No evidence' that Obama wiretapped Trump Tower

Mon, 04 Sep 2017 11:09:04 GMT

Freedom of Information request to DoJ turns up... nada

The US Department of Justice has "no evidence" that Obama's administration wiretapped Trump Tower, contrary to a much-publicised accusation by President Trump to the contrary.…




Belarus declares war on imaginary country within borders of Belarus that is better than Belarus

Thu, 31 Aug 2017 14:31:05 GMT

Fed-up citizens join fictional opposition in their hundreds

The former Soviet republic of Belarus has declared war on an imaginary country that exists within its own borders.…




Stephen King's scary movie reboot provokes tears from 'legit clowns'

Thu, 31 Aug 2017 08:01:04 GMT

Industry fears more pie in face over new It film

The imminent release of a new film adaptation of Stephen King's horror novel It has caused upset in the world of professional clowning.…




Ex-Harrods IT worker pleads guilty to PC repair shop trip

Wed, 30 Aug 2017 13:31:35 GMT

Hitchin man tried to have company-issued laptop taken off store's domain

A former Harrods IT worker has pleaded guilty to a charge under the Computer Misuse Act of trying to get a computer repair shop to take his company-issued laptop off the Harrods domain.…




Terry Pratchett's unfinished works flattened by steamroller

Wed, 30 Aug 2017 11:01:09 GMT

Hard drive crushed ahead of exhibition opening

A hard drive containing the unfinished books of Terry Pratchett has been destroyed by a steamroller, in fulfilment of the late author's last wishes.…




Judge: You can't call someone a c*nt, but a C∀NT is a cunning stunt

Wed, 30 Aug 2017 04:02:10 GMT

So long as you stay silent and put it on a sign you're clever and not criminal

At a time when far-right websites are being denied domain names, debate about the limits of free speech may never have been more fierce. And now an Australian court has weighed in with a decision that it is okay to call the nation's former Prime Minister Tony Abbott a c*nt.…




Japanese sat tech sinks Sea Shepherd anti-whaling activists' hopes

Wed, 30 Aug 2017 00:10:47 GMT

Southern ocean slaughter to continue unchecked

The anti-whaling organization Sea Shepherd Global has said it won't be going after the Japanese fleet of cetacean "research vessels" in their annual pilgrimage to the Southern Pacific – because satellite technology has made the job impossible.…




Kiwi prankster 'oinks' down cops' radio and sings Old MacDonald

Tue, 29 Aug 2017 14:10:13 GMT

Can someone lend them some direction-finding gear?

A mystery New Zealander has been hijacking police radio frequencies to sing verses from Old MacDonald Had A Farm and make oinking noises at the Old Bill.…




San Franciscans unite to smite alt-right with minefield of doggy shite

Fri, 25 Aug 2017 12:03:13 GMT

'Free speech' demo faces faeces counter-protest

A shit storm awaits a bunch of far-right protestors when they convene in San Francisco this weekend – locals are storing up their doggy do-do and plan to distribute it in the area the protestors are holding the rally.…




IT worker used access privs to steal £1m from Scottish city council

Thu, 24 Aug 2017 15:29:05 GMT

And it took the authority seven years to notice

A former council IT worker in Scotland has been jailed for five years after abusing his system access privileges to help himself to more than £1m of public money.…




Airbus issues patch to prevent A350 airliner fuel tanks exploding

Thu, 24 Aug 2017 12:25:14 GMT

Hot pumps + fuel/air mixture = bang, warn aviation safety folk

Airbus has issued an emergency patch to stop its A350 airliners from exploding.…




Oldest flying 747 finally grounded, 47 years after first flight

Thu, 24 Aug 2017 02:27:09 GMT

Built in 1969, it ended its days as a testbed for engines

Video The oldest Boeing 747 capable of flight has been shelved.…




Headless body found near topless beach: Missing private sub journalist identified

Wed, 23 Aug 2017 21:46:58 GMT

Torso matches Kim Wall's DNA

Danish cops have identified the headless torso found in Copenhagen bay as that of Kim Wall – the journalist who went missing after taking a ride in a homemade submarine.…




Paris nightclub red-faced after booze-for-boobs offer exposed

Wed, 23 Aug 2017 11:44:32 GMT

Pervy 2-for-1 deal condemned by Wanderlust management

Bar staff at a nightclub in Paris have hit upon a two-for-one idea to boost custom by promising female patrons that dare to bare their boobs a small, free drink.…




Kraut coppers seize 5,000 Donald Trump-shaped dance biscuits

Tue, 22 Aug 2017 15:23:09 GMT

Making raves great again, like, the best you've ever been to

Cops in northwestern Germany have seized 5,000 ecstasy tabs fashioned in the image of Donald J Trump's head, indicating the prez continues to inspire people to seek out an alternative reality.…




Private sub captain changes story, now says reporter died, was 'buried at sea' – torso found

Tue, 22 Aug 2017 00:10:34 GMT

Crowdfunded submersible story somehow gets weirder

The story of a Danish inventor and a missing Swedish journalist has taken a bizarre turn, as Peter Madsen now claims he buried Kim Wall at sea.…




75 years ago, one Allied radar techie changed the course of WW2

Mon, 21 Aug 2017 09:49:08 GMT

And he risked being executed by his own side in the process

Would you give up your comfy technical desk job to join a military raid into hostile territory? Would you jump at the chance to put your world-leading technical knowledge to use in the most extreme of circumstances, even if your own side was under orders to shoot you if you got captured?…




Drive-thru drive-by at McDs after ice cream no-show, say cops

Fri, 18 Aug 2017 11:01:12 GMT

Man pulls out replica rifle after frosty treat disappointment

An irate McDonald’s drive-thru punter was so pissed that he couldn’t get his Sunday morning ice cream fix due to a broken dispenser that he pulled out a replica AR-15 rifle from his car boot in protest.…




British Airways waves Bing dong: At least it's not a tech cockup

Fri, 18 Aug 2017 09:58:34 GMT

Wang wag's Croatian beach art highlighted... again

British Airways’ website is displaying a penis carved into a beautiful sandy beach – the same inappropriate erection that was standing over bing.com yesterday.…




I say, BING DONG! Microsoft's search engine literally cocks up on front page for hours

Thu, 17 Aug 2017 16:59:11 GMT

Johnson, get a load of this

SFW Some of the dozens of users of Bing today spotted a lewd sand carving semi-hidden in the Microsoft search engine's front page splash photo.…




Russia's answer to Buckminster Fuller has a buttload of CGI and he's not afraid to use it

Thu, 17 Aug 2017 14:36:52 GMT

Gyroscopic trams, bunkerbeds! Enter the 'dope' world of Dahir Semenov

Earlier this week, Mashable, a clickbait site for millennials, showcased a novel urban transport system. It got very excited, calling it "dope" and the "future of transportation".…




Vaping ads flout EU rules, even if to promote healthier lifestyles

Wed, 16 Aug 2017 14:12:14 GMT

Watchdog admits it's a legal minefield

Comment The UK's advertising watchdog says that generic lifestyle campaigns urging people to improve their health by vaping instead of smoking may fall foul of EU law.…




Strip club selfie bloke's accidental discharge gets him 6 years in clink

Wed, 16 Aug 2017 04:03:11 GMT

Club Lust bathroom shootup in, you guessed it, Florida

A Florida man has been sent to prison for six years and five months after he shot up a strip club toilet while taking a selfie.…




The cheek of it! Beach bar owner shoots nude bather in the booty

Tue, 15 Aug 2017 14:32:06 GMT

Gerroff moi land!

A bar owner in southern Corsica stands accused of firing a pellet into the booty of a nudist who refused to cover up during a beach bathing session.…




Commentard Quizwall experiment ends with more quizzing than commenting

Tue, 15 Aug 2017 11:10:00 GMT

Is that one-liner worth it?

Earlier this year Norway's government-owned broadcaster embarked on a stern Lutheran experiment with commentards. Before being able to post a comment on a story, they would need to pass a reading comprehension quiz, to prove they had read it all.…




Internet addict sent to an anti-addiction boot camp is no longer an addict. Because he's dead

Mon, 14 Aug 2017 22:07:03 GMT

Chinese clinic staff cuffed after 18-year-old gets ultimate cure

Staff at one of China's internet addiction clinics have been arrested after a teenager sent there for rehabilitation was found dead after 48 hours.…




Chap behind Godwin's law suspends his own rule for Charlottesville fascists: 'By all means, compare them to Nazis'

Mon, 14 Aug 2017 20:35:21 GMT

We did Nazi that coming

Mike Godwin, creator of Godwin's law, has rescinded his own rule for those outraged by vile fascists marching the streets of Virginia, USA, at the weekend.…




A storage giant wants to give you 46,763...

Mon, 14 Aug 2017 15:14:12 GMT

Terabytes? Flash drives? No, PDF pages. Price list SKUwered

How many pages does it take to list Nutanix’s prices? One hundred? Maybe too few. One thousand – sounds about right. Ten thousand? Don’t be ridiculous. Forty-six thousand, seven-hundred and sixty-three? Well, actually ……




Blighty’s beloved Big Ben bell ends, may break Brexit bargain

Mon, 14 Aug 2017 11:49:04 GMT

It must be true, the Daily Express said so

Big Ben, the bell in the iconic clock tower on the north end of the Palace of Westminster, will fall silent for four years – and as a result the UK may not leave the European Union until 2021, if a government statement is to be trusted.…




World's largest private submarine in mystery sink accident

Fri, 11 Aug 2017 14:58:07 GMT

Captain rescued but questions remain over passenger's whereabouts

One of the world's only privately built submarines has reportedly sunk under mysterious circumstances on the Danish coast.…




Assange offers job to sacked Google diversity manifestbro

Tue, 08 Aug 2017 14:41:07 GMT

Censorship is for losers!

In his latest attempt to further the global alliance of weapons-grade bellends*, noted troll Julian Assange has offered a job at WikiLeaks to the Google staffer apparently fired for writing a wobbly diversity manifesto.…




You had ONE job: Italian firefighters suspected of starting blazes for cash

Tue, 08 Aug 2017 09:37:08 GMT

That's just Sicily

Firefighters in Sicily have been accused of starting fires for money.…




Foot-long £1 sausage roll arrives

Tue, 08 Aug 2017 08:37:11 GMT

You can keep your artichoke and pineapple artisan pork pastries

Hungry punters fed up with over-priced, under-sized artisan sausage rolls will be pleased to hear a foot-long (30.48cm) meat feast has now arrived costing, um, £1.…




Our day with Larry Page: Embedded with one of the world's richest men

Sat, 05 Aug 2017 07:34:10 GMT

Larry: I don't know about that

Earlier this week, El Reg received an unexpected phone call from Google HQ inquiring as to whether we'd be interested in a "color piece" about Google cofounder and Alphabet CEO Larry Page.…




Trump as US president (in Sharknado 3)? Oh Hell No!

Thu, 03 Aug 2017 13:40:56 GMT

The Donald missed out on cameo in crap film franchise to run for White House – reports

Donald Trump was reportedly in talks to play the president in the third incarnation of cult sci-fi disaster film Sharknado – until he welched on the deal to run for the real thing.…




Ofcom: Blighty has devolved into a nation of unwashed binge-streaming mole people

Thu, 03 Aug 2017 08:08:06 GMT

Folk neglecting work, chores, family to catch up on Thrones

Online streaming has freed consumers from the tyranny of gawping at the crap telly other family members insist on watching, with one-third regularly sitting together in the same room to watch different programmes – according to a major report by Ofcom.…