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Preview: The Register - Odds and Sods: Bootnotes

The Register - Bootnotes

Biting the hand that feeds IT

Copyright: Copyright 2016, Situation Publishing

Vatican and musicians at odds over appropriate use of crematorium leftovers

Wed, 26 Oct 2016 13:01:10 GMT

Six feet under or on your album shelf? The choice is yours...

The Vatican has put itself on a collision course with the rock music industry, after banning the spreading of human ash-ley remains.…

Aussie trams equivalent to 30 skateboarding rhinos

Tue, 25 Oct 2016 10:40:18 GMT

Well knock us off our unicycles, we had no idea!

Reg Standards Bureau Ever wondered what the equivalent weight of a tram was in skateboarding rhinoceri? The answer is apparently 30, as any Aussie will tell you.…

Accountant falls for sexy Nigerian email scammer, gives her £150k he cheated out of pal

Tue, 25 Oct 2016 05:58:05 GMT

Brian Ridpath has 419 problems, but the potentially fictional Lisa Johnson ain't one

A lonely beancounter has been jailed after he fell for what appears to be a classic Nigerian email scam, and conned £150,000 out of a friend so he could bankroll his fake damsel in distress.…

Paid Wikipedia-fiddling on wheels

Mon, 24 Oct 2016 11:36:05 GMT

Reputation management comes out of the shadows

It isn’t just feral estate agents who drape their cars with adverts. Reader James sent us this photo, which you may want to examine more closely if you’re an enthusiastic Wikipedian.…

Judge nailed for trying to bribe Fed with fizzy water (aka Bud Light)

Sat, 22 Oct 2016 09:04:03 GMT

Attempt to steal wife's text messages gets all watered down

A judge in North Carolina, US, has been convicted for attempting to bribe an FBI agent to pull his wife's text messages in exchange for two cases of flavored water – aka American light beer.…

New measurement alert. The Pogba: 1,200Pg = NHS annual budget

Fri, 21 Oct 2016 14:01:14 GMT

You gotta have standards

Reg Standards Bureau Reporting on NHS expenditure today, the BBC's health correspondent Nick Triggle coined The Register's newest unit of measurement: The Pogba (Pg).…

Today is the 211th anniversary of the Battle of Trafalgar

Fri, 21 Oct 2016 13:43:13 GMT

Toast the Immortal Memory of Admiral Lord Nelson, shipmates

Today marks the 211th anniversary of the Battle of Trafalgar, in which Admiral Horatio Nelson gave the combined naval might of France and Spain a bloody good kicking.…

Oh joy. You can now buy a gold plated quadcopter drone

Fri, 21 Oct 2016 10:02:23 GMT

And fly it at more than 16 times the legally permitted height, we're told

Rich fools who like remote control toys can now splurge £20,000 buying a gold-plated DJI Phantom quadcopter, we are breathlessly told.…

What will happen when I'm too old to push? (buttons, that is)

Fri, 21 Oct 2016 09:35:08 GMT

Glitzy gadgets begin to lose their appeal

Something for the Weekend, Sir? I'd like you to consider my underwear.…

'Doubly unacceptable' Swiss vegan forces his way into the army

Thu, 20 Oct 2016 14:20:06 GMT

Tax or warfare? Right, where do I collect my rifle...

A militant vegan has succeeded in forcing himself into the Swiss Army – and avoided paying extra tax as a result.…

Soz, folklore fans! Negligence, not Nessie, sank WWI German sub

Wed, 19 Oct 2016 11:29:04 GMT

When diving your U-boat, check all hatches are shut

A sunken German submarine from World War One has been found at the bottom of the Irish Sea – and excitable folk are claiming the Loch Ness Monster sank it.…

Aussie Aussie Aussie, oi oi oi you, you're fired: Apple sacks staff secretly snapping shoppers

Fri, 14 Oct 2016 06:02:06 GMT


Apple fired staff from one of its Australian stores this week after they secretly snapped and shared photos of fellow workers and customers.…

Queen Lizzie awarded good behaviour medal

Wed, 12 Oct 2016 07:34:06 GMT

Well done for not being a naughty girl

Her Britannic Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second has been awarded the Long Service and Good Conduct medal for 65 years' military service without a criminal record.…

BSODs from around the world, from the wrist-job to public art

Mon, 10 Oct 2016 04:01:09 GMT

Thanks readers - you never fail to spot Windows with its pants down

BSOD WATCH For those of you who asked why there was no BSOD collection last week, the answer is simple: it was a holiday weekend in Australia. We hope this week's offerings make up for it.…

You're fired (into space)! Trump tops Martian ejaculation poll

Fri, 07 Oct 2016 13:21:24 GMT

Marissa Mayer or Katie Hopkins? Eenie meenie...

Donald Trump is Reg readers’ top candidate for firing to Mars according to a record poll result.…

Boy, 12, gets €100k bill from Google after confusing Adwords with Adsense

Thu, 06 Oct 2016 12:36:09 GMT

Kid thought his band would buy mansion after achieving YouTube fame

A child in Spain has received a bill of €100,000 from Google after confusing its AdWords and AdSense services.…

When Pornhub meets the Internet of Fridges

Tue, 04 Oct 2016 12:28:07 GMT

Oh, what japes!

We are indebted to "Lourdes" for this tweet.…

Markslist: Facebook touts its own tat bazaar

Tue, 04 Oct 2016 00:29:03 GMT

Having conquered social networking and disease, Zuck sets his sights on flea markets

Facebook is looking to kill yet another reason to ever leave its walled garden with the launch of a classifieds service.…

Apple's Breaxit scandal: Frenchman smashes up €50,000 of iThings with his big metal balls

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 20:33:30 GMT

Fuming frenchie causes a oui bit of damage

A French man has been charged after he stormed into an Apple store and smashed up iPhones and MacBooks using a metal ball that is more commonly used for the traditional game of pétanque.…

[NSFW] Blighty's telly, radio watchdog Ofcom does a swear

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 14:55:34 GMT

Tits=medium, bellend=strong

NSFW UK comms regulator Ofcom has released in-depth research into the British public’s attitudes to fucking swearing.…

Portsmouth bomb about to be detonated

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 12:05:07 GMT

Watch out on the Isle of Wight

Dredgers clearing Portsmouth harbour in the UK have found yet another unexploded Second World War bomb.…

Dublin shopkeeper catches forecourt fouler with his pants down

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 11:41:48 GMT

Breathless reporter probes curbside crapper

An after midnight muckspreader who has been terrorising a Dublin* neighbourhood has been caught in the act by the very shopkeeper whose forecourt he’d been befouling.…

One-way Martian ticket: Pick passengers for Musk's first Mars pioneer squad

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 11:17:34 GMT

Return trip, ya say? Sure, in another two years

Admit it. You were tempted to fulfil your sci-fi fantasy – no, not that one – and apply to Mars One Foundation to become a Red Planet pioneer three years back.…

What’s that Sooty? You want a girlfriend?

Fri, 30 Sep 2016 11:00:13 GMT

BBC DG intervened in sexy puppet row

The BBC Director-General was forced to intervene in a row over providing children’s puppet Sooty with a lady friend.…

Londoners react with horror to Tube Chat initiative

Thu, 29 Sep 2016 14:02:06 GMT

‘Someone tried to greet me’ splutters tearful Reg production chief

London’s commuters were plunged into terror this week as a shadowy organisation attempted to turn decades of convention on its head by encouraging people to talk to one another.…

What a time to be alive: Nissan reveals self-driving chair

Thu, 29 Sep 2016 05:30:13 GMT

Tired of standing in queues? Auto-maker says it's solved serious societal problem

POLL Nissan has revealed a thing called the “ProPILOT Chair” that it says exemplifies “the benefits of its intelligent mobility technology” because it “ automatically queues on behalf of its occupant, sparing them the hassle of standing in line.”…

Redback sinks fangs into Aussie's todger AGAIN... second time in five months

Wed, 28 Sep 2016 11:16:12 GMT

Man vows to steer clear of outside dunnies, 'I'll hold on for dear life'

An Aussie builder has endured the agony of being bitten on the todger by a redback spider for the second time in five months*.…

The wait is over: MoD releases latest issue of Ship Paint Monthly

Wed, 28 Sep 2016 09:23:08 GMT

Know when to opt for wet abrasive blasting or Self Polishing Copolymer?

Mad mags The Ministry of Defence's naval arm maintains a regular publication focused entirely on types and shades of paint. It is not a spoof – or if it is, someone's gone to some serious lengths on a windup.…

Disney rollercoaster helps pop out kidney stones

Tue, 27 Sep 2016 12:38:09 GMT

We're not even taking the piss

A study from Michigan State University has found that a ride on a rollercoaster is just the ticket for those needing help in passing a kidney stone.…

It's Pablo Pic-arsehole: Turner Prize wannabe hits rock bottom

Tue, 27 Sep 2016 05:33:08 GMT

A pretty pile of penny coins, a train set and more twee crap vie for this year's bonkers art gong

A giant sculpture of a human arse, £20,000 in one-pence coins, and an off-the-shelf model train are some of the exhibits competing for this year's Turner Prize.…

Matt LeBlanc handed £1.5m to front next two series of Top Gear

Mon, 26 Sep 2016 12:43:05 GMT

Who needs a ginger sidekick anyway?

Former Friends star Matt MeBlanc has penned a £1.5m deal with licence fee payers of the BBC to front up Top Gear for the next two series.…

Silicon Valley’s top exorcist rushed off his feet as Demons infest California

Mon, 26 Sep 2016 11:15:06 GMT

Poor mental healthcare, internet porn also a problem confirms priest

A Catholic priest has said virtually all his free time is taken up with exorcisms these days as he struggles to counter the tide of demonic possession washing up Silicon Valley and the rest of Northern California.…

Ever longed to be naked in Paris? City council votes TODAY

Mon, 26 Sep 2016 10:45:05 GMT

Finally! A solution to the croissant crumb problem

French nationals, tourists - in fact anyone and everyone - may soon be able to get their kit off and walk through Paris - well, a designated area - without fear of a hefty fine.…

Brexit at the next junction: Verity's guide to key post-vote skills

Mon, 26 Sep 2016 08:59:09 GMT

Breaking up is hard to do

STOB Pay attention, campers. I have conducted an impartial analysis of the post-Brexit landscape and identified a list of concrete, must-have programming skills for your edification.…

The law is an ass: Mooning banned at arse end of the world

Mon, 26 Sep 2016 05:02:14 GMT

'Obscene songs' also get the ban-hammer in the Australian State of Victoria

Buttnote Public service announcement: if you're going on a bender in the Australian city of Melbourne, do not indulge in the practice of “mooning”, because you could end up with your arse in jail (and the rest of you).…

R2D2 delivery robots to scurry through the streets of San Francisco

Sun, 25 Sep 2016 11:26:12 GMT

Have the makers SEEN the rates of street crime here?

An Estonian robotics company is trialling six-wheeled delivery robots that can trundle through San Francisco delivering goods to the local population.…

Days are numbered for the Czech Republic

Sat, 24 Sep 2016 11:15:08 GMT

Na shledanou Česká republika, dobry den Czechia!

The British government will start referring to Czechia rather than the Czech Republic, following advice from an official committee.…

Shopkeeper installs forecourt khazi to counter mystery Dublin dung dumper

Fri, 23 Sep 2016 11:43:04 GMT

‘You’d swear a horse did it,’ says appalled retailer

A desperate Dublin shopkeeper has placed a toilet and a pile of his very competitvely priced bog roll on the pavement outside his shop after a series of visits from a loose boweled night owl.…

Jeremy Clarkson and Co. rise to top for Great British Bake Off replacements

Fri, 23 Sep 2016 11:20:05 GMT

Reg poll fills C4's empty tent issue

Two weeks after Channel 4’s £75m grab of Great British Bake Off from the BBC, the broadcaster has a big marquee but no filling.…

Moron is late for flight, calls in bomb threat

Fri, 23 Sep 2016 05:27:10 GMT

He'll get a year on ice to think about why that was such a bad idea to delay takeoff

A Canadian idiot has been sentenced to a year behind bars after he was found guilty of calling in a bomb threat because he was running late for his flight.…

[NSFW] Here's how to see Tim Cook or SatNad strut their starkers stuff

Thu, 22 Sep 2016 12:22:09 GMT

This is an appalling, disgusting, gut-wrenching abuse of technology

NSFW Ever wanted to see Apple CEO Tim Cook shaking his naked tush, or Satya Nadella bare a lot more flesh than he does at Microsoft conferences? Your wait is over, thanks to a nasty application of facial recognition software.…

Behold the fruit of your techie utopia: A $43 San Francisco fog-infused martini

Thu, 22 Sep 2016 07:02:06 GMT

Enjoy the light flavor and crisp notes of everything that is wrong with this city

With the cost of living in San Francisco soaring higher than ever, some people are stepping forward to find innovative solutions to create affordable housing and assistance programs that would preserve the diversity, culture, and giving spirit that has made San Francisco a world-class city.…

Lethal 4-hour-erection-causing spiders spill out of bunch of ASDA bananas

Wed, 21 Sep 2016 12:17:12 GMT

Man flees with family

Yet another British family has been forced to flee its habitat after an infestation of Brazilian wandering spiders smuggled itself into their nest on the back of a bunch of supermarket bananas.…

We live in a world where a 'Hamdog' burger hybrid is patented

Wed, 21 Sep 2016 10:17:10 GMT

A meat and two meats

Rejoice! The eternal dilemma of whether to have a hot dog or a burger has now been answered.…

Apple iPhone 7 launch hysteria? Not in Viking land

Tue, 20 Sep 2016 14:04:00 GMT

Danish fanbois shun birth of latest Jesus mobe... to queue, or not

The traditional hoopla around the latest iPhone upgrade seemed to go off as planned last week with queues of apparently sane people waiting outside Apple stores around the world.…

Naked, drunken Swede assaults chicken shed after 60th birthday

Tue, 20 Sep 2016 12:42:08 GMT

Gets plastered, ends up in chicken shed instead of chicken shop

A Malmo man is facing paying thousands of kronor in damages after attending a friend’s 60th birthday party and ending up crawling naked and bleeding from an elderly woman’s hen house.…

Apple seeks patent for paper bag - you read that right, a paper bag

Tue, 20 Sep 2016 06:38:10 GMT

Not all bags, just one very cunning bag with planet-friendly gussets and folds

Apple is trying to patent a paper bag.…

ROBO-PLOD! 'Droid snatches scumbag's shotgun in standoff

Tue, 20 Sep 2016 06:02:05 GMT

Californian Elmer Fudd foiled by mechanical means

A stealthy robot run by a Los Angeles SWAT team has successfully disarmed a murder suspect by sneaking up behind him and stealing his weapon.…

Italian scientists use fluorescent box to arouse sexually indifferent men

Mon, 19 Sep 2016 14:03:07 GMT

Something worth getting up for

Chaps of a certain age who find their libido fading could do worse than stare at a glaring light source – though not the sort you might be thinking of.…

Great British Great Bake Off gets new judge

Thu, 15 Sep 2016 08:07:05 GMT

Madeira cake, Madeira cake, Madeira cake!

Poll Long weekends cooped up in a cramped sweaty workplace, grappling with unstable materials, your work critiqued by an harsh and judgemental boss.…