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Copyright: Copyright 2018, Situation Publishing
 



How many Routemaster bus seats would it take to fill Wembley Stadium?

Thu, 18 Jan 2018 09:27:13 GMT

Potential Reg Standards Soviet entry? Let's take a closer look

A strong contender has emerged for an addition to The Register Standards Soviet's list of officially approved weights and measures: the Routemaster Fleet.…




France to lend Brexit Britain sore souvenir of Norman yoke – the Bayeux Tapestry

Wed, 17 Jan 2018 15:51:11 GMT

Prez Macron expected to agree loan when he meets PM

The French government will agree to lend the UK its most famous memento of the Norman conquest of England after Blighty leaves the EU.…




Butt plugs, mock cocks, late pay and paranoia: The world of Waymo star Anthony Levandowski… by his kids' nanny

Tue, 16 Jan 2018 21:52:08 GMT

This is a work of fiction, says engineer's lawyer

The engineer at the center of a massive self-driving car lawsuit – brought by Google-stablemate Waymo against Uber – neglects his kids, is wildly disorganized, and has a large selection of bondage gear, his former nanny has sensationally alleged.…




Private submarine builder charged with murder of journalist

Tue, 16 Jan 2018 16:52:12 GMT

Peter Madsen ruled fit to stand trial, but denies allegation

Danish submariner Peter Madsen has today been charged with the murder of journalist Kim Wall.…




Frenchman comes eye to eye with horror toilet python

Tue, 16 Jan 2018 12:27:08 GMT

'I could very well have been bitten in a sensitive place, if you know what I mean'

A lucky Frenchman has narrowly avoided having his todger bitten by a python that crawled up his U-bend.…




Junk food meets junk money: KFC starts selling Bitcoin Bucket

Mon, 15 Jan 2018 07:02:07 GMT

Transaction costs more than chicken, which would go cold by the time BTC change hands

KFC’s Canadian wing has started selling chicken for Bitcoin.…




Infamous Silicon Valley 'sex party' exactly as exciting as it sounds

Fri, 12 Jan 2018 22:57:06 GMT

Maybe they should have shoved in some AI love-bots to spice things up

Comment This week, the tech world has been consumed with intrigue over the details of alleged "sex parties" hosted by Silicon Valley's power brokers.…




Butcher breaks out of own freezer using black pudding

Thu, 11 Jan 2018 16:13:04 GMT

Beef and lamb prove to be inferior escape tools

A butcher channelled the power of Ecky-Thump to escape being locked in his freezer when he saved his skin by using black pudding.…




Heart of darkness: Inside the Osówka underground city

Thu, 11 Jan 2018 10:10:13 GMT

That time the Nazis hollowed out a mountain

Lurking just outside the Polish village of Sierpnica is a relic of World War II Nazi ambition. The Osówka complex is the largest and most accessible remnant of the huge Project Riese (translation: “Giant”), an effort to create an underground city capable of housing 20,000 or more Nazi troops and workers.…




UK.gov puts Suffolk 7-year-old's submarine design into production

Thu, 11 Jan 2018 09:36:12 GMT

'It was a bit tricky,' admits DSTL worker

The British government has put a seven-year-old boy's design for a submarine into production, saying the lad had "really thought about" his work.…




Fancy a fidget? Craze makes debut entry into PornHub's top searches

Wed, 10 Jan 2018 15:36:11 GMT

Also: UK viewers like to take a break for Bake Off and Strictly

PornHub's annual deep dive into user stats and searches has revealed that, in 2017, people decided to take the fidget spinner trend to new levels.…




Beer hall putz: Regulator slaps northern pub over Nazi-themed ad

Wed, 10 Jan 2018 11:59:11 GMT

Don't mention not mentioning the war

A pub in County Durham, England, has been rapped by the UK Advertising Standards Agency after three complaints about its "German Night" advert were upheld.…




Game of Thrones author's space horror Nightflyers hitting telly

Fri, 05 Jan 2018 17:12:10 GMT

Aliens and sinister AIs from the mind behind the greatest TV show ever? Colour me aroused

HBO's epic Game of Thrones cycle may be coming to a close, but fans of the books the show is based on can take heart that author George R R Martin (GRRM) is sending another of his works to the tellybox.…




Military alliance NATO adopts official hymn

Thu, 04 Jan 2018 17:43:11 GMT

That'll show Putin who's boss!

NATO, the military alliance originally formed to defend Europe against Soviet Russia, has formally adopted its own national anthem-style hymn.…




Jocks in shock as Irn-Bru set to slash sugar and girder content

Thu, 04 Jan 2018 13:15:10 GMT

They may take our lives, but they will never take our fizzy drink

Angry Scots are protesting against plans to slash the sugar content of their beloved national soft drink Irn-Bru and folk have begun stockpiling the beverage said to be a hangover cure.…




Wannabe W1 DOW-er faked car crash to track down reg plate's owner

Thu, 04 Jan 2018 11:40:10 GMT

Bristol man ordered to pay over £600 for data protection offence

A man from Bristol, England, lied to a government agency to get his hands on a private number plate reading "W1 DOW", a court has heard.…




Weed wish you a merry Christmas: Pot-toting OAPs tell cops 30kg stash is for pressies

Fri, 22 Dec 2017 12:37:07 GMT

Pair pulled over lugging wrong kind of trees

The friends and family of an elderly couple from Nebraska may have lost out on their share of almost 30kg of pot this festive season after cops spotted their stash.…




Australia's future technology headlines … for 2019!

Thu, 21 Dec 2017 23:03:06 GMT

Predictions are like armpits, everybody has at least two and they often stink

The technology industry loves to claim that the leaders of its Australian outposts are sages worthy of delivering prognostications from on high, rather than glorified territory managers with a continent to cover. So at this time of year they send El Reg predictions for what will happen on the local tech scene during the next trip around the Sun.…




Meet R2-DILDO: 'Star Wars' sex toys? This is where the fun begins

Thu, 21 Dec 2017 14:00:06 GMT

I have a good... er, I mean a bad feeling about this...

Purveyor of, er, marital aids Geeky Sex Toys this month released a "Star Toys" range, a series of intimate tools for him and her brought lovingly to life in the shape of characters from the Star Wars franchise.…




Danger! High voltage: Kraut customs bods burn half-tonne of weed in power station

Wed, 20 Dec 2017 17:19:10 GMT

Marijuana of unknown origin sent up in smoke

A power station in Olching, Bavaria, blazed like it was 4/20 yesterday after German authorities used it to burn around 550kg of marijuana.…




How Google's black box Knowledge Graph can kill you

Tue, 19 Dec 2017 17:06:09 GMT

Factoid flu

Comment When Knowledge Graph – Google's apparently authoritative box to the side of the search results – sneezes, the world catches a factoid flu.…




Ey-up, mardy Rochdale council has dropped plans for ban on swearing. Thank f$ck!

Tue, 19 Dec 2017 11:57:13 GMT

You pillocks, that was never goin' t'werk in this Lanky town

The northern council of Rochdale has scrapped its plan to fine people £100 for swearing in the town.…




Kent woman to season festive dinner with her mother's ashes

Mon, 18 Dec 2017 15:29:06 GMT

All I want (to eat) for Christmas is you

A woman from Kent, England, intends to redefine the meaning of a cremated Christmas dinner this year as she plans to serve her mother's ashes with her festive meal.…




Telly boffin Professor Heinz Wolff has died

Mon, 18 Dec 2017 14:31:21 GMT

The Great Egg Race presenter was 89

Obit Professor Heinz Wolff, the bonkers-haired boffin who brought delight and joy to millions of BBC viewers in the 1970s and 1980s, has died aged 89.…




Irony's lost on old Pope Francis: Pontiff decrees fake news a 'serious sin'

Mon, 18 Dec 2017 13:17:09 GMT

Oo, awkward

Christmas is typically a busy time of year for the Holy Father, but thankfully Pope Francis has found time to decree that made-up stories are a "serious sin".…




At Christmas, do you give peas a chance? Go cold turkey? What is the perfect festive feast?

Wed, 13 Dec 2017 09:35:12 GMT

True meaning of the season is all about how you overindulge

Boozing in the morning, blazing family rows in the afternoon, and passing out in front of the telly – trousers unbuttoned – by 5pm. All of these are annual traditions of Christmas but when it comes to dinner, what makes the perfect festive nosh?…




Why is Wikipedia man Jimbo Wales keynoting a fake news conference?

Tue, 12 Dec 2017 13:03:12 GMT

Who best to drain the swamp? Why, the biggest alligator

Comment The co-founder of the website that has propagated some of the internet's most enduring falsehoods on an industrial scale will address a Westminster conference about "fake news".…




Coventry: Once a 'Ghost Town', soon to be UK City of Culture

Mon, 11 Dec 2017 14:05:24 GMT

Stalingrad's erstwhile twin will take the reins from Hull in 2021

Coventry – the city that was flattened by the Luftwaffe and later inspired The Specials' urban decay anthem "Ghost Town" – has been named the UK City of Culture 2021.…




YouTuber cements head inside microwave oven

Fri, 08 Dec 2017 11:07:09 GMT

Don't forget to like, subscribe and send a chisel to my PO box

A YouTube stunt imbecile was rescued by firefighters yesterday after cementing his head inside a microwave.…




Meet the woman with a supernatural affinity for stiff lovers

Thu, 07 Dec 2017 14:56:12 GMT

Something went bump in the night... over and over

It takes all sorts to make a world and some on the fringes of life often turn up on daytime TV. And so El Reg was fascinated by the story of Amethyst Realm, who dumped a human in the, er, physical realm to become a ghostbuster banger.…




O Christmas wreath, O Christmas wreath, thy potent skunk's in bunches

Wed, 06 Dec 2017 14:38:12 GMT

Ding bong merrily you're high

Nothing says Christmas like a wreath. Except of course a reefer wreath. But why stop at Jesus and Mary, when you can add a full ounce of Mary Jane, dressed with eucalyptus, wheat and rosemary that stoners can use to decorate their knockers this festivus.…




Viagra's Irish plant STILL giving local men and dogs stiffies (not really)

Tue, 05 Dec 2017 13:26:09 GMT

And I’ll stay up 500 weeks, and I’ll stay up 3,000 days

The near two decade-old story that refuses to lie down aroused interest again at the weekend: folk from Ringaskiddy in rural Ireland complained once more that a nearby Viagra plant was still giving local men and, um, dogs a chubby.…




Quentin Tarantino in talks to make Star Trek movie

Tue, 05 Dec 2017 08:02:07 GMT

I double dare you m*therf*cker, say 'illogical' one more Goddamn time!

Entertainment publication Deadline Hollywood has reported that cinematic enfant terrible Quentin Tarantino has pitched an idea for a new Star Trek film.…




WW2 Enigma machine to be seized from shamed pharma bro Shkreli

Sat, 02 Dec 2017 07:06:05 GMT

Also his Picasso and that Wu Tang Clan album

A World War II German Enigma machine will be among the valuables a US court plans to seize from convicted felon and shamed former pharmaceuticals exec Martin Shkreli.…




Foil snack food bags make a decent Faraday cage, judge finds

Fri, 01 Dec 2017 08:36:08 GMT

Chap kept his work PDA in one, slacked off, played golf, lost job, appealed, failed to get job back

An Australian electrician has failed in an effort to regain his job after a judge ruled he hid a work-issued GPS-equipped PDA in a foil snack food bag to avoid being tracked.…




Lock them up and throw away the (don)key

Tue, 28 Nov 2017 13:25:04 GMT

Mischievous herd serves 4-day sentence

Eight donkeys were released from an Indian jail yesterday after the law proved itself to be, well, an ass, and imprisoned them for eating the prison officers' plants.…




2001: A Stob Odyssey

Tue, 28 Nov 2017 10:57:13 GMT

Open the chuffing pod bay doors yourself, Dave

Stob has obtained access to the unpublished journals of a young British programmer who found herself assigned to the elite team that built the HAL 9000 computer during the 1990s.




Tom Baker returns to finish shelved Doctor Who episodes penned by Douglas Adams

Mon, 27 Nov 2017 12:28:11 GMT

Shada serial completed with animation and voiceovers

The fourth and finest Doctor, Tom Baker, has reprised the role to finish a Who serial scuppered in 1979 by strike action at the BBC.…




Vanity, thy name is: M1SCO company car reg plates for sale

Mon, 27 Nov 2017 10:02:34 GMT

Private equity investor of fallen reseller launches online auction

Whichever fool once proclaimed money can’t buy one class clearly wasn’t privy to the inventory of now defunct tech reseller Misco Group that was recently put up for sale by private equity backer Hilco Capital.…




Aussie Catholic School forced into hasty cover-up over suggestive Saint

Wed, 22 Nov 2017 18:35:13 GMT

Off-shored statue offered a curious roll

A Catholic School in Australia has been left red-faced after a newly commissioned statue of a revered saint appeared to be offering to share more than a few loaves and fishes with the little children.…




Borat creator offers to cover mankini fines. Is nice!

Wed, 22 Nov 2017 11:03:13 GMT

Sacha Baron Cohen steps in after Czech tourists become butt of joke

Borat creator Brit comedian Sacha Baron Cohen has said he'll pay the fines handed to a group of mankini-clad Czech tourists by Kazakhstani authorities.…




Nathan Barley blamed for global GDP slump

Mon, 20 Nov 2017 15:38:05 GMT

Clueless freelancers and the productivity puzzle

Nathan Barley, the insufferable "self-facilitating media node" of Charlie Brooker's TV series, may be a prime culprit for Britain's lack of productivity growth.…




The Independent 'live streamed' space vid recorded in 2015

Mon, 20 Nov 2017 12:38:12 GMT

'We naturally regret the human error that led to the mistake'

For reasons unknown, on Sunday The Independent "live streamed" footage from space that was more than two years old.…




Dick move: Navy flyboy flings firmament phallus for flabbergasted folk

Fri, 17 Nov 2017 19:15:11 GMT

Highway to the donger zone

A US navy pilot in an EA-18G GROWLER is facing stiff action – after crafting a novel flight pattern that left much of central Washington state staring up at an anatomy lesson.…




New UK aircraft carrier to be commissioned on Pearl Harbor anniversary

Fri, 17 Nov 2017 16:24:09 GMT

You know, the surprise attack intended to sink aircraft carriers

Her Majesty the Queen will commission the new British aircraft carrier named after her into Royal Navy service in three weeks – on the anniversary of an infamous naval battle where numerous warships were sunk.…




The Reg parts ways with imagineer and thought pathfinder Steve Bong

Fri, 17 Nov 2017 12:11:11 GMT

He built a plane called Digital Innovation and told readers: 'Come Fly With Me'

The Register is reviewing its relationship with columnist and Shoreditch entrepreneur Mr Steve Bong MBE after Mr Bong admitted to having a close working relationship with the Kremlin this week, in a piece titled Yes, I took Putin's roubles to undermine Western democracy. This is my story




Yes, I took Putin's roubles to undermine Western democracy. This is my story

Thu, 16 Nov 2017 09:02:10 GMT

Ever heard of 'GDS'? Yup, that was me

¡Bong! Every man must make a reckoning, and now I must make mine. มาลัย (which means 'Garland of Flowers' in Thai), please note the following.…




How about that time Russian military used a video game pic as proof of US aiding ISIS?

Thu, 16 Nov 2017 06:02:08 GMT

This week in fact

Earlier this week, the official Facebook and Twitter accounts of the Russian Ministry of Defense said it had "irrefutable evidence" the US was aiding ISIS in Syria – and revealed four grainy photos apparently backing up its claims.…




Pastry in a manger: We're soz, Greggs man said

Wed, 15 Nov 2017 12:01:11 GMT

We swapped out Lord Jesus for meat in sweet bread

Budget Brit pastry purveyor Greggs has been forced to apologise after substituting a sausage roll for Baby Jesus in its limited-edition advent calendar.…




World Vasectomy Day: 15k men line up for live vent-blocking

Wed, 15 Nov 2017 10:03:11 GMT

24-hour extravaganza ... live ops streamed

SFW The Reg readership might be interested to know that the coming Friday does not just signal the end of the working week and time to cut loose, it is also World Vasectomy Day.…