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Copyright: Copyright 2017, Situation Publishing
 



Dick move: Navy flyboy flings firmament phallus for flabbergasted folk

Fri, 17 Nov 2017 19:15:11 GMT

Highway to the donger zone

A US navy pilot in an EA-18G GROWLER is facing stiff action – after crafting a novel flight pattern that left much of central Washington state staring up at an anatomy lesson.…




New UK aircraft carrier to be commissioned on Pearl Harbor anniversary

Fri, 17 Nov 2017 16:24:09 GMT

You know, the surprise attack intended to sink aircraft carriers

Her Majesty the Queen will commission the new British aircraft carrier named after her into Royal Navy service in three weeks – on the anniversary of an infamous naval battle where numerous warships were sunk.…




The Reg parts ways with imagineer and thought pathfinder Steve Bong

Fri, 17 Nov 2017 12:11:11 GMT

He built a plane called Digital Innovation and told readers: 'Come Fly With Me'

The Register is reviewing its relationship with columnist and Shoreditch entrepreneur Mr Steve Bong MBE after Mr Bong admitted to having a close working relationship with the Kremlin this week, in a piece titled Yes, I took Putin's roubles to undermine Western democracy. This is my story




Yes, I took Putin's roubles to undermine Western democracy. This is my story

Thu, 16 Nov 2017 09:02:10 GMT

Ever heard of 'GDS'? Yup, that was me

¡Bong! Every man must make a reckoning, and now I must make mine. มาลัย (which means 'Garland of Flowers' in Thai), please note the following.…




How about that time Russian military used a video game pic as proof of US aiding ISIS?

Thu, 16 Nov 2017 06:02:08 GMT

This week in fact

Earlier this week, the official Facebook and Twitter accounts of the Russian Ministry of Defense said it had "irrefutable evidence" the US was aiding ISIS in Syria – and revealed four grainy photos apparently backing up its claims.…




Pastry in a manger: We're soz, Greggs man said

Wed, 15 Nov 2017 12:01:11 GMT

We swapped out Lord Jesus for meat in sweet bread

Budget Brit pastry purveyor Greggs has been forced to apologise after substituting a sausage roll for Baby Jesus in its limited-edition advent calendar.…




World Vasectomy Day: 15k men line up for live vent-blocking

Wed, 15 Nov 2017 10:03:11 GMT

24-hour extravaganza ... live ops streamed

SFW The Reg readership might be interested to know that the coming Friday does not just signal the end of the working week and time to cut loose, it is also World Vasectomy Day.…




Amazon to make multiple Lord of the Rings prequel TV series

Tue, 14 Nov 2017 01:58:07 GMT

This could work: Gandalf, Aragorn and Sauron all get busy between The Hobbit and The Fellowship of the Ring

Amazon's television limb has announced it will make multiple series based on J.R.R. Tolkien’s the Lord of The Rings.…




Mm, sacrilicious: Greggs advent calendar features sausage roll in a manger

Mon, 13 Nov 2017 12:20:11 GMT

Pie love thee, Lord Jesus

Nothing quite says Christmas like greasy, calorific overindulgence, and this year budget sausage roll shop Greggs is ready to get you in the mood with its "treat-filled" limited-edition advent calendar.…




Shiver me timbers! 67cm Playmobil pirate ship sets sail for Caribbean

Mon, 13 Nov 2017 11:33:28 GMT

Scottish vessel gets a refit by team that restored Cutty Sark

A Playmobil pirate ship has been launched off the west coast of Africa after stowing away on a full-size Norwegian vessel.…




Sean Parker: I helped destroy humanity with Facebook

Fri, 10 Nov 2017 15:04:08 GMT

Sorry isn't enough, Sean

The billionaire and former Facebook president Sean Parker now says he regrets helping turn the social network into a global phenomenon. The site grew by "exploiting a vulnerability in human psychology" with its greed for attention and the careful reward system it created to keep users addicted.…




'Sticky runway' closes Canadian airport

Fri, 10 Nov 2017 03:01:10 GMT

Don't laugh: Goose Bay strip is where an A380 landed after its engine blew up in September

Canadian airport Goose Bay has closed due to a “sticky runway”.…




Jet packs are REAL – and inventor just broke world speed record in it

Thu, 09 Nov 2017 15:19:11 GMT

Easier than riding a bike, apparently

A British inventor has set a new world record for fastest speed in a body-controlled, jet engine-powered suit.…




Irish priests told to stop bashing bishops

Thu, 09 Nov 2017 14:03:46 GMT

Confidential helpline considered for distressed and lonely churchmen

The annual general meeting of Ireland’s Catholic Priests has been told to ease up on attacking their seniors, amidst increasing concerns over the future of the Church in the country.…




Lord of the Rings TV show shopped around Hollywood

Tue, 07 Nov 2017 06:23:06 GMT

Rights carrot dangled before Netflix, Amazon and HBO, apparently

J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings could be on its way to the small screen.…




Guy Glitchy: Villagers torch Openreach effigy

Mon, 06 Nov 2017 10:52:10 GMT

Huh! More like 'won't reach'

Bonfire night has come a long way since Guy Fawkes' failed attempt to blow up the House of Lords on 5 November 1605. Now, we prefer to burn more modern day villains. Such as Harvey Weinstein, Donald Trump and, er, Openreach.…




$10,000-a-dram whisky 'wasn't even a malt'

Fri, 03 Nov 2017 17:32:09 GMT

Chinese fantasy star fell for fake

A Swiss Hotel bar has apologised to a Chinese fantasy novelist who paid $10,000 (£7,649) for a shot of rare whisky – only to discover the single malt was a fake.…




Those IT gadget freebies you picked up this year? They make AWFUL Christmas presents

Fri, 03 Nov 2017 09:01:13 GMT

Cyber Monday is coming but I still feel so green

Something for the Weekend, Sir? An eerie green glow is radiating from my 1960s sideboard.…




Birds are pecking apart Australia's national broadband network

Fri, 03 Nov 2017 03:24:13 GMT

Everything in Australia wants to kill you and if they can't find flesh, telco cabling will do

Australia's national broadband network (NBN) is being pecked apart by birds.…




KFC turns Japanese bath tubs into party buckets

Thu, 02 Nov 2017 14:31:08 GMT

Now we can all toss in the Colonel's secret herbs and spices

A campaign launched in Japan has meant anyone partial to diving into a tub of finger lickin' good chicken now has the chance to literally do just that, thanks to the arrival of the KFC Bath Bomb.…




Landlubber northern council shores up against boat-tipping

Thu, 02 Nov 2017 13:12:12 GMT

Ahoy there, m'ducky. Chart a course t'Doncaster

One landlocked council's battle with fly-tipping has taken a nautical twist this week after it had to deal with a speedboat... left in a road.…




Osama Bin Laden had copy of Resident Evil, smut, in compound

Thu, 02 Nov 2017 07:27:04 GMT

CIA server goes down after release of docs from Abbottabad, reveals Osama liked BBC wildlife docos

The United States Central Intelligence Agency has released a new trove of documents from computers found in the Abbottabad, Pakistan, compound at which Osama Bin Laden was killed in May 2011.…




My #95Theses of #Digital

Wed, 01 Nov 2017 15:02:05 GMT

I promise not Reformation, but #Transformation

¡Bong! It's exactly 500 years to the day since Luther Blissett nailed his "95 Theses" to the door of Battenberg Cake Factory.…




'The Queen' is showing Geneva how to be polite on public transport

Wed, 01 Nov 2017 13:58:12 GMT

One must wait one's turn

The Queen, accompanied by a Queen's guard and gentleman in a top hat, has been drafted in to help encourage Genevans to act more courteously when boarding trains.…




Caption this: Capita staff picket a bunch o'er pickled pensions

Tue, 31 Oct 2017 12:03:13 GMT

It's day 2 at Reading Bridge House picket line. Make 'em laugh

UK staffers at outsourcing giant Capita – deep in the weeds of its "turnaround year" – are entering day two of union protests over proposed changes to their pension plans.…




Robot takes the job of sitting on your arse

Tue, 31 Oct 2017 07:55:08 GMT

Ford reveals 'metallic butt' used to test car seats. We're calling it Seat-3-P-O

Poll Car-maker Ford has revealed a robot that's taken the job of sitting on your arse.…




Submarine builder admits dismembering journalist's body

Mon, 30 Oct 2017 16:29:09 GMT

Danish seafarer denies murdering Kim Wall

The man charged with the murder of a Swedish journalist in his private submarine has admitted dismembering her body and dumping the parts into the sea – but insists he did not kill her.…




Biz quadruples value overnight by adding 'Blockchain' to name

Fri, 27 Oct 2017 14:02:08 GMT

A tactic ailing companies might want to use?

How do you increase the value of your business by 300 per cent overnight? Simple, add a buzzword to your name.…




Man: Just 18 Bitcoin babies and my home is yours

Fri, 27 Oct 2017 10:10:12 GMT

'People are doing it for high-end properties – why not Grimsby?'

A man in Grimsby wants to flog his house for 18 Bitcoin (£81,305) because he calcuates the currency is a better investment than cold hard British pounds in the bank.…




The UK's super duper 1,000mph car is being tested in Cornwall

Thu, 26 Oct 2017 12:27:03 GMT

200mph runs up and down Newquay Airport runway

The 1,000mph (1,609 kmph) Bloodhound supersonic car is undergoing its first test runs at Newquay Airport in Cornwall later today.…




Rob Scoble's lawyer told him to STFU about sex pest claims. He didn't

Wed, 25 Oct 2017 22:32:49 GMT

And you'll never guess what happened next – or perhaps, depressingly, you can

Comment If you have cause to hire a lawyer, it is usually worthwhile listening to what they have to say.…




Uber's revolting sexism, the movie

Tue, 24 Oct 2017 02:58:12 GMT

Susan Fowler's story pitched as 'Erin Brockovich meets The Social Network'

The blog post that lifted the lid on Uber's uber-sexist culture and led to the demise of founder Travis Kalanick might become a movie.…




'Screaming' man fined $149 for singing 'Everybody Dance Now'

Mon, 23 Oct 2017 13:31:11 GMT

'I don’t know if my voice was very bad and that’s why I got the ticket,' he said

A man has been fined by police after being caught singing the 1990s dance anthem "Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)" while behind the wheel of his car.…




We talk to Tron artist Syd Mead: On the other side of the screen, it all looks so easy

Fri, 20 Oct 2017 14:03:09 GMT

Lightcycle creator on the classic sci-fi film as it turns 35

Star Trek: The Motion Picture, Blade Runner, Aliens, TimeCop, Johnny Mnemonic and Elysium all benefitted from the design magic of Syd Mead.…




Tell the public how much our tram tickets cost? Are you mad?

Fri, 20 Oct 2017 11:38:15 GMT

Transport for Greater Manchester says silly thing in reply to sensible FoI request

Updated Transport for Greater Manchester, the northern UK city's transport authority, has refused to publish its ticket prices on the basis that telling the public how much they have to pay for riding the trams would "prejudice the Metrolink service".…




Please replace the sword, says owner of now-hollow stone

Wed, 18 Oct 2017 14:29:10 GMT

Legendary lake lark comes true, sort of

The legendary sword has been pulled from the stone – but the owner wants it back and a crowdfunding campaign has been set up to replace the blade.…




Man prosecuted for posting a picture of his hobby on Facebook

Tue, 17 Oct 2017 09:38:09 GMT

Airsoft player cleared but case raises many questions

A man was prosecuted for posting a picture of himself on Facebook posing with airsoft equipment.…




Argh, my loafer just fell down the rope ladder! Yes, I'm in the Microsoft treehouse

Tue, 17 Oct 2017 09:04:10 GMT

But yep, there are power points

“A lot of people are like, ‘Where’s the AV?’ And I’m like, it’s a treehouse,” Bret Boulter said of Microsoft's new tree-based meeting spaces. “We wanted people to intentionally unplug, because they are sitting in front of screens all day long.”…




Footie ballsup: Petition kicks off to fix 'geometrically impossible' street signs

Tue, 10 Oct 2017 12:43:13 GMT

All hexagons and no pentagons makes Jack a very dull...

A petition has been launched to update the UK Traffic Signs Regulations to include a geometrically correct football.…




Star Wars: Big Euro cinema group can't handle demand for tickets to new flick

Tue, 10 Oct 2017 10:09:06 GMT

Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to nerds raging on Twitter

Europe's second largest cinema, Cineworld, is struggling to meet demand for Star Wars: The Last Jedi.…




SCARY SPICE: Pumpkin air freshener sparks school evacuation

Sat, 07 Oct 2017 13:19:05 GMT

Four fall ill after Fall's favorite artificial flavoring overwhelms

A high school in Baltimore, USA, was evacuated this week after a pumpkin spice air freshener made four people ill and triggered a hazardous materials scare.…




Blade Runner 2049 review: Scott's vision versus Villeneuve's skill

Fri, 06 Oct 2017 12:01:06 GMT

Let me tell you about my mother

No spoilers Stepping into the cinema to watch Blade Runner 2049 was a nervous moment; after The Phantom Menace and Prometheus, was another studio about to take a steaming dump on a pivotal film of my youth?…




Beach, please... Billionaire VC finally opens way to waves

Thu, 05 Oct 2017 21:04:33 GMT

Vinod Khosla responds to the only thing he knows: money

Billionaire venture capitalist Vinod Khosla has finally backed down in his efforts to stop Californians from accessing a beach via a road on lands he owns.…




What does Elon Musk really need? A personal theme tune, of course!

Thu, 05 Oct 2017 12:34:11 GMT

Do not adjust your set, you are not watching The Day Today

Weezer's former bassist has written a "theme tune" for Elon Musk. Why? He was feeling miserable, apparently.…




Ex-Harrods IT man cleared of stealing company issued laptop

Thu, 05 Oct 2017 09:39:09 GMT

Yet guilty plea to computer misuse offence costs him £250

The former Harrods IT worker accused of stealing a laptop from the luxury department store in the UK capital has been cleared of theft – but was fined for trying to remove it from the department store's domain.…




Town wants Amazon's new HQ so much it plans to split off new town called 'Amazon'

Wed, 04 Oct 2017 03:01:08 GMT

At last, the leadership America desperately needs

If you've never heard of Stonecrest, Georgia, you're not alone: the town on the outer fringes of Atlanta only voted itself into existence a couple of years ago. But it's now put itself on the map by offering to rename 345 acres of land “Amazon” in a bid to land Amazon.com's new headquarters.…




Developers' timezone fail woke half of New Zealand

Wed, 04 Oct 2017 01:56:06 GMT

Wee small hours civil defence wake-in-fright text arrives on Vodafone mobes

A time-zone mixup has resulted in about half of all New Zealanders being woken by civil defence and emergency management authorities sending a test text message overnight.…




ISIS and Jack Daniel's: One of these things is not like the other

Tue, 03 Oct 2017 17:00:08 GMT

Zürich bloke's neighbours send nasty letter over whiskey flag

A man was reportedly asked if he was an Islamic State sympathiser after his neighbours mistook a Jack Daniel's flag for the black-and-white terrorist insignia.…




Computers4Christians miraculously appears on Ubuntu wiki

Tue, 03 Oct 2017 11:33:13 GMT

It must have been divine intervention

Ubuntu's wiki page this morning temporarily played host to a bit of info from religious group Computers4Christians, whose aim is to propagate the use of its operating system to spread the word of the Lord.…




Man with 74 convictions refused permission to fling sueball at Google

Mon, 02 Oct 2017 14:44:06 GMT

Injunction application nixed by Northern Irish High Court

A sex offender with 74 convictions who changed his name to escape his past has been refused permission to sue Google by a judge in Northern Ireland.…