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Copyright: Copyright 2017, Situation Publishing
 



Disney plotting 15 more years of Star Wars

Fri, 24 Mar 2017 03:58:07 GMT

First we'll get non-digital Leia and Han Solo: Young Adult with Chewie and Falcon back-story

Disney CEO Bob Iger has told a conference that the company is contemplating “what could be another decade and a half of Star Wars stories.…




Good news, everyone! Two pints a day keep heart problems at bay

Thu, 23 Mar 2017 11:36:18 GMT

And yes, total abstinence isn't good for you

Moderate drinking is good for you, a BMJ-published study has found, directly contradicting the advice of the UK government's "Chief Medical Officer", who advised last year there was "no safe level" of drinking. A daily pint reduces risk of a heart attack and angina by a third, a big data study of Brit adults has found, while total abstinence increases the risk by 24 per cent.…




Grab 'em by the pussy! Trump's lawyers 'send cease-and-desist letters' to a KITTEN website

Wed, 22 Mar 2017 21:01:59 GMT

Sad!

Lawyers for US President Donald Trump have sent not one, but two cease-and-desist letters to a website featuring his face being pawed by kittens, it is claimed.…




Decapitating Rockall: How a 1970s Navy expedition blasted the top off the Atlantic islet

Wed, 22 Mar 2017 13:07:14 GMT

Operation Top Hat report surfaces from the archives

Pics The Ministry of Defence sent an expedition to Rockall in 1971 to blast the top off the Atlantic islet, a newly released report has revealed.…




In the land of Google, Holocaust denial, death threats – all fine. LGBT? Oh, no, that's sensitive

Mon, 20 Mar 2017 22:22:16 GMT

Search king tweaks rules to human raters

Google has asked its search quality raters not to assume that users looking up Holocaust denials, or whether women or Islam or black people are evil, are "racist or bad people."…




Beijing deploys facial scanners to counter public toilet abuse

Mon, 20 Mar 2017 12:27:12 GMT

Penny pinching pensioners restricted to 60cm allocation

Beijing authorities are forcing desperate defecators to submit to a facial scan before receiving an allotment of toilet paper, sparking a debate over privacy, crowd control and the toxic qualities of Chinese loo roll.…




Bloke cuffed after 'You deserve a seizure' GIF tweet gave epileptic a fit

Fri, 17 Mar 2017 23:34:12 GMT

Newsweek writer attacked on Twitter after telly appearance – now FBI, cops collar suspect

A man suspected of maliciously tweeting a GIF to a magazine writer that induced an epileptic attack has been collared by the FBI.…




Google Maps' Street View can now lead you into a bubbling lava lake

Fri, 17 Mar 2017 03:02:13 GMT

Journey into live volcano is a feature, not a bug

Google Maps' Street View can now show you the interior of an active volcano, complete with bubbling lava lake.…




Fire brigade called to free man's bits from titanium ring's grip

Thu, 16 Mar 2017 12:25:34 GMT

Well, it was that or appendage amputation

Dublin’s fire brigade - armed with a hand-held angle grinder - were called to the aid of a man that was unable to remove a titanium ring that he’d miraculously slipped over both his meat and two veg.…




Dungeons & Dragons finally going digital

Wed, 15 Mar 2017 01:43:49 GMT

Character sheets and bits of the rule books look like they're coming to the Web

Seminal role-playing game Dungeons & Dragons looks to be going digital.…




Smart sex toys firm coughs up $3.75m in privacy lawsuit

Mon, 13 Mar 2017 12:47:12 GMT

Yup, it's the Internet of Dildos again

A US teledildonics company – if you’re wondering whether that means what it looks like it means, yes it does – has settled a privacy infringement lawsuit for $3.75m.…




Cold callers illegally sold Aussie farmers 1,700 years worth of printer ink

Fri, 10 Mar 2017 13:41:09 GMT

Cattle farmers going through one cartridge evey ten months bullied into buying 2040 of 'em

A tribunal has found cold calling salespeople to have illegally bullied a farming couple in Australia into purchasing 2,040 printer ink cartridges.…




Lawyer defending arson suspect flees court with pants on fire

Fri, 10 Mar 2017 12:16:07 GMT

His own, that is...

Following the heat of a courtroom battle a lawyer defending an alleged arsonist was reportedly forced to flee proceedings temporarily after his own pants* caught fire.…




Repentant priest from Cuntis sorry he dressed as Hugh Hefner

Fri, 10 Mar 2017 11:45:06 GMT

Male bunnies simulating sex acts on him in carnival

A Spanish priest who dressed up as Hugh Hefner – flanked by two men in Playboy bunny outfits – as he rode a float at carnival in the Galician town of Cuntis, has been forced to apologise.…




The future of Not Reality is a strap-on that talks to my smarting ring

Fri, 10 Mar 2017 10:56:04 GMT

Don’t stop thinking about tomorrow

Something for the Weekend, Sir? My ring smarts.…




BOAR-ZILLA stalks Fukushima's dead zone

Fri, 10 Mar 2017 06:29:10 GMT

Wild boars in empty towns are nastily radioactive, but sadly remain normal size and lack atomic breath

Radioactive wild boars have become a problem in the evacuation zone around Japan's Fukushima nuclear plant.…




America's Marine Corp steamy selfies scandal, a Senate probe – and El Reg to the rescue

Fri, 10 Mar 2017 06:08:04 GMT

Image archive torn offline after we raise alarm

Next Tuesday, US Senators will hold a special hearing into America's ongoing military sex scandal. Archives of compromising snaps of female US Marine Corps fighters are being shared online, and the Senate Armed Services Committee wants answers.…




Kaspersky launches a range of perfumes to, er, defend your odour

Thu, 09 Mar 2017 14:24:11 GMT

Eau de Humanity, amirite?

Hot on the heels-emblazoned-with-Eugene's-face, Kaspersky has only gone and sent El Reg a range of branded toiletries, presumably meaning to imply we could brush up on personal hygiene.…




The good times are over, Peter Thiel tells Silicon Valley's oligarchs

Wed, 08 Mar 2017 17:39:31 GMT

Get ready for a fragmented net... and RAGNAROK

Peter Thiel makes a perfect modern sinister panto villain. From investing in deep state spookware Palantir to supporting Donald S Trump, Thiel ticks all the boxes. Throw in an eccentric medical practice – like, say, a fondness for injecting himself with young people's blood – and all that's missing is an impregnable offshore lair, and a seat on Facebook's board.…




Iconic Land Rover Defender may make a comeback by 2019

Tue, 07 Mar 2017 16:03:05 GMT

Probably won't be built in Blighty, sadly

Jaguar Land Rover is to resurrect the venerable old Defender – and it may be built abroad, according to media reports.…




Success in the bedroom breeds success in the boardroom – research

Tue, 07 Mar 2017 13:30:12 GMT

Want that promotion? Better improve your performance in the sack

A healthy sex life at home is apparently linked to better performance at work, according to a study by Oregon State University.…




'Baby, I know your database needs upgrades tonight'

Mon, 06 Mar 2017 05:05:04 GMT

You may have thought romance was dead before this ... erm ... remarkable MongoDB cover of Sia's 'Cheap Thrills' came along

Vendors' music video homages are always just … erm … remarkable The Register has spotted a new music video homage by a vendor and because they're always so excellent, bring it to you for your entertainment.…




RAF pilot sacked for sending Airbus Voyager into sudden dive

Fri, 03 Mar 2017 17:27:09 GMT

Also handed four months' chokey, suspended for 12

The Royal Air Force officer who sent his Airbus Voyager into an accidental dive from 33,000 feet, injuring passengers and crew, has been dismissed and given a suspended prison sentence.…




Has your spouse stayed on after Mobile World Congress? This sex doll brothel might be why

Fri, 03 Mar 2017 11:54:04 GMT

€80 a go. The anti-bacterial soap is free

Is your significant other staying a little longer at Mobile World Congress than you expected? You may want to ask them about the robo sex house recently installed nearby the mobile extravaganza venue in Barcelona.…




Google, what the hell? Search giant wrongly said shop closed down, refused to list the truth

Fri, 03 Mar 2017 07:26:04 GMT

Poultry peddler pleads Page's peeps: Precision, please

A restaurant owner feared for her business's future this week after it was mistakenly listed as closed down on Google Maps – and the ad giant wouldn't correct the error.…




Silicon Valley tech bro's solution for homeless: Getting himself in the news. Again.

Thu, 02 Mar 2017 06:32:12 GMT

Dog houses to cruise ships, Gopman is running a little rich

No one doubts that San Francisco has a homeless problem.…




This ferry is said to weigh 250 cows. We say that is actually 20,600 Lindisfarne Gospels

Wed, 01 Mar 2017 11:01:08 GMT

Nice try, Isle of Wight council

A new chain ferry has been built for the Isle of Wight – and the council reckon it weighs the same as 250 cows.…




Boeing seeks patent for mobile device case with built-in fire extinguisher

Wed, 01 Mar 2017 06:01:13 GMT

Invented before the Galaxy Note 7 went down in flames, the case detects heat and then sprays fire-suppressing gas

Boeing has sought a patent for a “Fire detection and suppression pack for battery-powered personal computing devices.”…




Alert! The dastardly Dutch are sailing a 90-ship fleet at Blighty

Fri, 24 Feb 2017 15:29:10 GMT

We'll have no repeat of 1667, ye lubberly scallywags!

The Dutch are preparing to invade English seas with a fleet of 90 vessels after a previous expedition boarded the Royal Navy’s flagship and stole the Royal Coat of Arms from her.…




Visit banter.com. More like International BANTS Machines, amirite?

Fri, 24 Feb 2017 12:01:13 GMT

Top bants, guys. Archbishop of Banterbury-tier stuff

IBM staffers might not feel there's much to laugh about at the moment, with more swathes of redundancies on the way or the directive to kill off home working, but at least there's still plenty of banter to be had at the firm.…




I want it hot and wet – preferably with Wi-Fi

Fri, 24 Feb 2017 10:16:17 GMT

Put the bamboo down and step back

Something for the Weekend, Sir? I came too soon. Normally this is not a problem. Coming early allows me to regather my strength so that I can then go at it, full-on, for the next eight hours.…




Swedish politician wants weekly hour of paid sex. For exercise

Fri, 24 Feb 2017 04:58:07 GMT

Workers told to get on the job while on the job, to boost local population

A Swedish municipality may allow its workers to get on the job while on the clock, for an hour each week.…




Get this: Tech industry thinks journos are too mean. TOO MEAN?!

Wed, 22 Feb 2017 22:35:26 GMT

Think tank is upset not every hack is spewing marketing spiel (it's just most of them)

The tech press has dared to lean away from its core mission of making technology companies more profitable, says tech advocacy house ITIF.…




A webcam is not so much a leering eye as the barrel of a gun

Fri, 17 Feb 2017 10:05:40 GMT

It wants to see me stripped

Something for the Weekend, Sir? “Strip it off!” commands a disembodied voice. “We want to see what you’ve got!”…




FAKE BREWS: America rocked by 'craft beer' scandal allegations

Fri, 17 Feb 2017 06:26:12 GMT

Retail mega-giant accused in lawsuit of being lying IPA-holes

US big-box chain Walmart is being sued by an Ohio bloke who claims the retailer's line of "craft beers" is an egregious lie.…




Nul points for Ukraine's Eurovision ticket site fail

Thu, 16 Feb 2017 15:06:13 GMT

Glitch left fans without seats

Eurovision fans purchasing tickets to the event in Ukraine this year were left frustrated due to a number of technical and payment issues with the website last night.…




Kings College London bods recruit members for penis ring study

Tue, 14 Feb 2017 16:17:05 GMT

'One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness... oh sh*t, it's come off'

Boffins at Kings College London are looking for gents in committed relationships who don't mind slipping a variety of rings over their old fellas to measure the relationship between satisfaction and depth of penetration during sexual intercourse.…




Get orf the air over moi land Irish farmer roars at drones

Fri, 10 Feb 2017 16:03:06 GMT

Pledges to eradicate drone burglary threat by 'any means necessary'

A farmer in County Tipperary has declared war on drones, claiming criminals are using the buzz-some devices to scope out rural areas for burglaries.…




All of Blighty's attack submarines are out of action – report

Fri, 10 Feb 2017 13:03:12 GMT

No boats capable of chasing off naughty Russians, we're told

None of the Royal Navy's seven attack submarines are deployed on operations at the moment, according to reports, which potentially threatens the security of Britain's nuclear deterrent.…




You want WHO?! Reg readers vote Tom Baker for Doctor 13. Of course

Fri, 10 Feb 2017 12:28:05 GMT

The commentards have spoken. BBC, take heed

To be cast as Doctor Who once might be regarded as fortunate, but to be Doctor twice would be AWESOME!…




Welcome to my world of The Unexplained – yes, you're welcome to it

Fri, 10 Feb 2017 10:33:11 GMT

Pleading guilty to assault on battery

Something for the Weekend, Sir? I'm getting funny dreams again. Either that or I have stepped into one of Arthur C Clarke's episodes of Mysterious World of The Unexplained albeit without the Sri Lankan foliage and Eric Morecambe glasses.…




Prepare your popcorn: Wikipedia deems the Daily Mail unreliable

Thu, 09 Feb 2017 17:32:08 GMT

Stage set for Jimbo Wales vs Paul Dacre. Who will win?

Welcome, Mr Dacre. Wikipedia editors have voted to put The Daily Mail in the sin bin – alongside The Register.…




The best of Reg readers' David Hockney-style logo redesigns

Wed, 08 Feb 2017 09:03:07 GMT

We called; your digital crayons answered

Pics Last week we challenged our commentards to redesign The Register's masthead in the style of David Hockney, after the artist scrawled over The Sun's logo in Paintbrush.…




Last Concorde completes last journey, at maybe Mach 0.02

Wed, 08 Feb 2017 08:20:06 GMT

Concorde 216 rolls into its very own hangar at Aerospace Bristol museum

VID The last Concorde to take to the skies, G-BOAF (216), has come to a stop for the final time in the soon-to-open Aerospace Bristol museum.…




RAF pilot sent jet into 4,000ft plummet by playing with camera, court martial hears

Tue, 07 Feb 2017 17:57:13 GMT

Offending DSLR became 'wedged behind control stick'

An RAF pilot sent his military airliner into a dramatic dive after the DSLR camera he was mucking about with became wedged in the aircraft's controls, a court martial heard yesterday.…




Canadian telco bans a little four-letter dirty word from texts: U B E R

Tue, 07 Feb 2017 00:53:30 GMT

Super Canucks go ballistic: Uber filter's bogus (and writing these headlines is a sign of psychosis)

A Canadian phone network says a wayward spam filter is to blame for blocking text messages that contained the word "Uber".…




Parents have no idea when kidz txt m8s 'KMS' or '99'

Mon, 06 Feb 2017 17:13:07 GMT

But unlike David Cameron, they know what LOL means

Most adults have no idea what their kids mean when they use text terms such as "KMS", "99" or emoji faces with cross eyes, according to an unsurprising piece of research by BT.…




A non-Standards Soviet approved measure of weight? Sod off, BBC!

Mon, 06 Feb 2017 11:06:09 GMT

Our 1,600 KiloJubs beat your 23 Kelpies

An eagle-eyed Reg reader has spotted a dastardly BBC attempt to muscle in on the Reg Standards Soviet’s turf – by devising a new and highly unauthorised measure of weight.…




Who do you want to be Who? VOTE for the BBC's next Time Lord

Fri, 03 Feb 2017 12:33:12 GMT

Decisions, decisions. Lucky number 13?

Poll Peter Capaldi will demateralise as the 12th Time Lord this Christmas after four years.…




Would you like to know why I get a lot of action at night?

Fri, 03 Feb 2017 10:32:12 GMT

I'm an 'early riser', if you know what I mean

Something for the Weekend, Sir? I've been up all night, doing the business like hammer and tongs, going at it again and again. I can be relentless when I'm on the job – a man of action and drama.…