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The Register - Science: Biology

Biting the hand that feeds IT

US sees 'hot-tub related injuries' increase triplefold

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 16:33:44 GMT

Horrific 'body part entanglement' bloodbath

According to a recent study, those US citizens who manage to survive swine flu, terrorists, meteor strikes, guvmint agents fixin' to pry their guns from their cold dead fingers and other such perils of the modern age are still doomed. They will almost certainly be killed - or anyway badly injured - in some kind of horrific hot-tub-related accident.…

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Boffins working on biodegradable flexi LED implants

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 11:50:28 GMT

Silky hand-tattoo displays to replace watches, PDAs?

Boffins in America are working on biodegradable, flexible electronic devices printed on silk, which could be implanted in the human body and would decay naturally over time. Applications could include LED displays inlaid beneath the skin, or direct nerve-controlled interfaces.…

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Chronically ill people 'happier if they abandon hope', say docs

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 12:26:30 GMT

Promises to 'reconnect bowels' make people sad

Health researchers in America have suggested that it is better for people suffering from severe illness to give up any hope that their condition might improve.…

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Female fruitbat fellatio frenzy: 70% give head

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 11:31:35 GMT

As do 100% of males - to themselves, naturally

The scientific world is electrified today by one of the most significant discoveries of our times: the great majority of female short-nosed fruit bats love to give head. Possibly even more significantly, the nimble lust-crazed chiropterines are able to perform fellatio on a male bat who is taking them from behind at the time.…

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'Internet Age' means egalitarian 'hunter-gatherer' society

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 10:11:21 GMT

Inherited cattle = unfairness, apparently

Federal brainboxes in New Mexico, analysing the many types of human society in terms of inequality between rich and poor, have suggested that the modern "internet age" of knowledge and technology-based economies may lead to substantially fairer wealth distribution - perhaps as fair as that seen in primitive hunter-gatherer groups.…

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Subterranean hive mammals may offer cancer cure

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 15:32:01 GMT

Secrets of the sexy, naked ever-youthful Mole Queens

Boffins probing the secrets of fantastically long-lived and sexually active subterranean nudie hive rodents say they may be on the track of a preventive for cancer.…

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Disgraced Korean cloning scientist given suspended sentence

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 12:21:44 GMT

Not a mammoth punishment under the cirumstances

Disgraced Korean cloning scientist Hwang Woo-Suk has been found guilty of fraud after a tortuous three-year trial.…

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Pregnant monkeys on crack - boffins investigate

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 14:02:13 GMT

Womb-coked simians in banana-pellet munchies frenzy

Scientists in America have warned of a new threat to society, posed by a generation of middle-aged drug-addled monkeys with poor impulse control due to being exposed to cocaine in the womb 15 years ago.…

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Republican men hormonally emasculated by US election

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 13:12:06 GMT

Obama win sees GOP testosterone plunge, 'submissiveness'

American neuroscientists say that men who voted for Republican candidate John McCain in the recent presidential elections suffered a serious loss of testosterone as a result of the Obama victory. The hormone, produced by one's wedding-tackle, is considered essential for basic manliness.…

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Magpies hold funerals for fallen feathered friends

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 09:49:36 GMT

One for sorrow

A University of Colorado scientist has claimed that magpies hold "funerals" for fallen friends, demonstrating that they're all a lot more touchy-feely than they might appear.…

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UK fatties demand 'hate crime' status for lardo-baiting

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 14:06:25 GMT

German study shows 'overweight' BMI perfectly healthy

Woebegone British swingbellies have launched a campaign against anti-lardo "hate crime" and discrimination, even as a survey of possibly gutbusting Germans has revealed that being "overweight" is actually not a health hazard.…

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Neanderthal woman could whup Schwarzenegger

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 12:54:04 GMT

Modern man is big wuss, claims anthropologist

An anthropologist has described modern man as “the sorriest cohort of masculine Homo sapiens to ever walk the planet”, with even Arnold Schwarzenegger at his muscular peak no match for a Neanderthal woman in the arm-wrestling stakes.…

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Boffins 'write directly to memory' of living brains

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 13:43:03 GMT

Implant false memories by 'seizing control of circuits'

An alliance of boffins from Oxford University and Virginia, America say they have developed a technique for "writing directly to memory" in a living brain, "seizing control of brain circuits" to create a memory of an experience which had never actually happened.…

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Federal boffins: 'Giant invading snakes' will soon rule USA

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 15:06:39 GMT

20-foot reptile maneaters massing in Florida, Texas

Much of the United States - including "urban and suburban areas" - may soon be overrun by a plague of "giant, invasive snakes" capable of "attacking and killing people", according to genuine federal boffins.…

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Farmer fined for ignoring cow's 'psychological needs'

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 14:40:35 GMT

Bovine kept in dark

A West Yorks farmer has been slapped with a £150 fine for keeping a cow in a darkened barn and therefore failing to 'meet the psychological needs' of the bovine.…

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Horny new 'ballerina' Tyrannosaur was light on its feet

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 10:06:44 GMT

Delicate dino coexisted uneasily with bigger brethren

Archaeologists say they have discovered a new kind of tyrannosaurus, very different to the big bruiser tyrannosaurs already well known. The new dino was slim, light on its feet, horny and partial to meat, according to the boffins.…

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Geordi LaForge video-to-brain rig built at MIT

Thu, 24 Sep 2009 12:50:36 GMT

Small Mexican pigs seem pleased with it

MIT boffins have devised a method of fitting a chip on the end of the optical nerve which can be used to input electronic images directly into the brain without any need for an eyeball. The technique could offer blind people a degree of vision using head-mounted camera/sensor equipment, in the style of Geordi LaForge from Star Trek: The Next Generation.…

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Average Brit shags 2.8m people

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 10:54:52 GMT

'Sex Degrees of Separation'

The average Brit shags 2.8m people during his or her lifetime, albeit indirectly, according to a handy "Sex Degrees of Separation" calculator from Lloyds Pharmacy.…

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Pull the plug on Pandas, declares BBC man

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 11:24:22 GMT

Then torch the civil servants, human race

A BBC wildlife presenter has come off with a novel approach to saving the Giant Panda - don't bother.…

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Britons warned of plague of the 'supercats'

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 10:58:20 GMT

Ferocious feline chimeras menace dogs, children

Britain is at risk from being overrun by ferocious "supercats", as domestic moggies interbreed with fierce wildcats increasingly being imported by extreme pet owners.…

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CSI boffins: You can't ID crims from bitemarks on victims

Thu, 17 Sep 2009 15:56:14 GMT

Corpse-chomp research discredits gnasherprinting

Topflight CSI boffins have cast doubt on the apparently "commonly held belief" in forensics that criminals can be positively identified from the bite marks they leave on their victims.…

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Rich people cannot feel pain, don't care if they're liked

Thu, 17 Sep 2009 12:48:51 GMT

And being skint makes you a crybaby, say profs

Being rich makes people invulnerable to pain and steels them against rejection by other people, according to trick-cyclists and whalesong specialists in China and America.…

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Human brain 'works like US presidential elections'

Tue, 15 Sep 2009 16:11:48 GMT

If only you could kill those with beer, too

American brain specialists, in an announcement which may explain many puzzling aspects of human behaviour, say that the human bonce's decision-making process functions in a very similar way to US presidential elections.…

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Warning: Showers can seriously damage your health

Tue, 15 Sep 2009 13:56:27 GMT

Geeks proved right after all

US scientists have rather disturbingly provided ammunition for shower-dodging geeks to defend their malodorous ways: showers can actually be bad for your health.…

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NZ scientists identify giant, man-eating eagle

Mon, 14 Sep 2009 11:07:00 GMT

Legendary Te Hokioi really existed

Scientists appear to have confimed that a legendary man-eating flying beast which terrorised New Zealand's Maori actually existed, the Independent reports.…

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Germans satisfy latex desire with GM dandelions

Fri, 11 Sep 2009 14:48:00 GMT

No more uncomfortable rashes - fungus plague forestalled

German boffins have worked out a much improved method of making latex using the sticky white fluid which comes out of dandelion stems. The new breakthough could mean more comfortable body-cavity searches, an end to itchy condoms, and might free humanity from the threat posed by a global rubber fungus epidemic.…

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Scientists lay bare Irish potato famine blight

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 09:08:28 GMT

Phytophthora infestans genome sequenced

Scientists have successfully sequenced the genome of Phytophthora infestans - the potato blight mould which in the 1840s devasted Irish potato crops, leading to the deaths of one million people.…

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Pesticides fingered in UK honeybee wipeout

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 11:49:30 GMT

Further suspicion falls on neonicotinoids

A new study appears to have confirmed suspicions that the neonicotinoid group of pesticides is in part responsible for the dramatic decline in UK honeybee numbers, the Telegraph reports.…

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Italian Army gets medi-telemetry earrings

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 13:49:39 GMT

'Stop crying, Massimo. The system says you're fine'

DSEi A well-known Italian hi-tech firm says it has just delivered a trial batch of datalink earrings to the Italian army, intended to relay vital-signs telemetry from troops in combat back to the command post in the style of the movie Aliens.…

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Spider from ~~Mars~~ Malaysia dubbed David Bowie

Mon, 07 Sep 2009 15:25:31 GMT

Eight legs, but boy can he play guitar?

A newly-discovered spider has been dubbed Heteropoda davidbowie, in the hope that slapping the rock star's moniker on the beast will help raise awareness about the plight of endangered arachnid species worldwide.…

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Explorers unearth cat-sized rat

Mon, 07 Sep 2009 11:37:22 GMT

Papua New Guinea volcano-dwelling beast

A BBC camera crew backed by biologists has identified a new species of giant rat. The massive rodent has been discovered living exclusively inside the crater of an extinct Papua New Guinea volcano.…

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Texan confronts the legendary chupacabras

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 10:42:36 GMT

Sinister goat sucker or mangy coyote?

A Texan taxidermist has earned himself some nice publicity for parading what he claims may be a chupacabras - the legendary goat-sucking hell beast first spotted in Puerto Rico in 1995 and which has since spooked fearful citizens across Central America:…

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Database billionaire trampled by elephant

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 09:48:54 GMT

Serious injuries for Siebel

Tom Siebel has been seriously injured after being trampled by an elephant.…

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Huge 'vampyrus' bats being hunted to extinction

Wed, 26 Aug 2009 12:47:09 GMT

Tagged aerial scrumper study: Batshit crisis looming

Scientists say that the world's largest bat, the six-foot Pteropus vampyrus, is threatened with extinction at the hands of bat hunters across the Far East. They have called for fewer bat-hunting permits to be issued by local governments.…

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US 'grooming robot' to reduce navy bottom-fouling

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 11:02:30 GMT

'Ensuring dominance and reducing dirty emissions'

In a bid to tackle the degrading effects of widespread "bottom fouling" in the US fleet, the US Navy has announced that it is engaged in efforts to develop an "autonomous grooming robot".…

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Aussie birds 'desperate to copulate with brainy males'

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 15:03:55 GMT

Bit of a desert out there, Sheila

Top-level boffins, having carried out extensive surreptitious surveillance of Australian females copulating with their chosen sexual companions, have stated that most down-under birds in their test group would prefer a brainy partner.…

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Microsoft goes Darwinian with evolutionary tree patent

Fri, 21 Aug 2009 22:44:32 GMT

Multiplication tables next

A Microsoft patent application has evolutionary biologists worried Redmond could claim standard techniques used by scientists to organize how animals are related through time.…

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Zombie plague analysed by Canadian maths prof

Tue, 18 Aug 2009 11:43:56 GMT

Quarantine, cure no good - violence is only hope

A Canadian infectious-diseases boffin has published an authoritative mathematical model of zombie plagues. He concludes that the only scenario in which our civilisation could survive a zombie outbreak is one in which normal humans react immediately using extreme violence against the undead, without any attempt to cure or quarantine them.…

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Government stamp of approval for fake weed

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 12:03:35 GMT

Whaaat? It actually works?

The government's drug advisory board is calling for action on "legal highs" containing synthetic cannabinoids.…

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Brain-jacking fungus turns living victims into 'zombies'

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 11:15:48 GMT

Makes them hang from trees as horror nest-womb cocoons

Scientists say they have discovered a horrific flesh-eating fungus which is able to infect living creatures and turn them into "zombies".…

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Noxious algae menace Brittany beaches

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 11:11:06 GMT

Gas local horse, locals kick up a stink

Environmentalists and locals staged a protest last weekend on the beach at St-Michel-en-Grève in Brittany, after noxious algae killed a local vet's horse and very nearly did for him too.…

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Boffins test cancer-stinging 'nano-bee' swarms in mice

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 09:40:55 GMT

No risk of zombie-plague side effects, seemingly

American medi-boffins say they have developed a way of using tiny nanotech devices, which they call "nanobees", to carry a potentially poisonous drug safely into the body for the purposes of killing cancerous tumours.…

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Docs wire up world's first internet-connected pacemaker

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 13:55:56 GMT

Beware the Ping O' Death

A New York woman has became the first person to receive a pacemaker wirelessly connected to her doctor, enabling monitoring and checkups without all that mucking about examining people.…

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Bill Gates-funded boffins develop anti-AIDS stealth condom

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 12:15:01 GMT

Crafty polymer gel 'solidifies' in presence of sperm

Scientists in Utah have developed what they term a "molecular condom", a type of gel which "turns semisolid in the presence of semen, trapping AIDS virus particles in a microscopic mesh".…

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First success for vulture breeding programme

Thu, 06 Aug 2009 12:13:53 GMT

Carrion breeding

The RSPB is celebrating the first successful captive breeding of a slender-billed vulture in India.…

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China seals town after plague deaths

Mon, 03 Aug 2009 17:31:27 GMT

Virulent, rare disease

Chinese health officials have sealed off a town in a sparsely populated area of north-central China to halt the spread of an aggressively deadly strain of plague.…

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German boffins create 'flight simulator for flies'

Mon, 03 Aug 2009 10:49:19 GMT

Boche blowflies enjoy wraparound immersive VR

Scientists in Germany have developed what they describe as "a flight simulator for flies", in which tethered insects experience virtual scenarios presented to them on a small wraparound screen.…

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Irish charity gets millions from Gates Foundation

Wed, 29 Jul 2009 12:10:03 GMT

Five year project

Irish charity Concern Worldwide has received a $41m (£25m) grant from the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation.…

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Tokyo battles monstrous murder of crows

Mon, 27 Jul 2009 14:41:03 GMT

'They have returned', admits shaken crowfinder general

Tokyo is renewing its bitter battle against crows which, despite the city's best efforts to wipe them out, continue to circle over its mean streets in search of unprotected rubbish and unsuspecting air-to-ground attack victims.…

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Swedish lesbians suck sperm banks dry

Fri, 24 Jul 2009 11:58:32 GMT

Duff man juice also adding to chronic shortage

Sweden's fertility clinics are racking up a serious backlog of people waiting for artificial insemination, due in part to a "spike" in demand from lesbian couples for vital supplies of man juice.…

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