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Preview: my journal apart from who I am

my journal apart from who I am

this is search of who i really am and want to be...

Updated: 2018-03-05T11:36:44.734-08:00


The love I found in you


Who would have thought we'd feel this way, finding a million things to say, knowing our dream is coming girl, come here and lay down by my side, give me the love that's in your eyes, It'll be good just holding on tight and share in the night, so stay....Twenty seven years ago, I broke up with her. It was done in pretty bad taste, with no thought on how she would feel...considering that she was running a fever when I broke the news. Little did I know that she actually longed for me until the day we would finally meet again...I have been in and out of relationships, treated badly, been there done that--I have given up on finding "my prince charming come true to life."  Friends would sometimes ask, what if the next person who comes along happens to be the right one? And I'd tell them, "What a loser, 'cos at this point in my life, I am not willing to invest ANYTHING on ANYONE ANYMORE."  That person will have to do everything and be like my beck and call person. Ruthless, that was how I thought of myself then.Life has its's strange and sometimes surreal-- how it manages to bring people from opposite sides of the world to meet once again and just pick up from where they left off the last time...I was transported back into 7th grade, when she and I were still was like being sucked into a portal but with so much eagerness to be pulled right into that vortex-like thing....flashbacks of her dancing to Head Over Heels by the Go-go's, the letter with the lyrics to Ocean Deep by Cliff Richard and Stuck on You by Lionel Richie. I know, they all seem mushy and so outdated but they hold so dear to my heart. Our endless phone calls at night, we could hardly remember the stuff we talked about...but we did talk for hours on end...Going home from school, I always dreamt of literally flying to her house...for I knew this street in Multinational Village that led straight to Moonwalk...I never forgot the sound of her voice or how she'd move her head to the beat of the music...and how she'd smile while trying to hide it...small, quirky things that I never really forgot--it probably settled somewhere deep inside of me...Which reminds me of a song from The Sound of Music, "Something Good"....Perhaps I had a wicked childhood, perhaps I had a miserable youth. But somewhere in my wicked, miserable past, there must have been a moment of truth. For here you are, standing there, loving me, whether or not you should. So somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something good.I am just so thankful that she's back in my life and we're together again. I have never known a person to be so full of love and kindness and all the good stuff there is. I know no one's perfect, but with all that she has been through and all that she is, she's close to perfection and she's for real. And that's all that matters. [...]

In a world of two-sided creeps


Each betrayal begins with says Phish.

I've had my share of people who did and still does that.  In my lifetime, I can safely say that I've come across and even associated with more than twenty people--more than twenty two-sided, ugly creeps.

In my workplace alone, they thrive every single day, nurturing their "gift," the ability to be nice and all smiles when in front of someone AND really mean and hateful when that someone's back is turned.



Saying goodbye is never an easy thing....but you never said that you'd stay forever...

I hate goodbyes...who likes them anyway?  Probably the foolhardy...but that's not me.  As I write this blog, Karen's voice drones on about being "Solitary".....pathetic huh?  That's me. 

I'm caught between goodbye and I love you is now on...yep, I'm listening to The Carpenters play list on my phone.  And this song just happens to be so apt to the predicament I am in.   :(
You'd think (I did) that after four long years of being celibate and after years of always being kept in the closet  and tormented at the same time, I'd have picked up a few good pointers at being straight and strong-willed, but NOOO....just like the expression on my face in the photo as I strolled along Main street U.S.A. --wary and lost--that's how I still am.

I better get back to generating these reports for work or else I'm a goner.

Shabbath Shalom


Today is Sabbath, the Lord's Day that He specifically asked of us to remember and keep holy.

People, even born-again Christians do not honor this day as it should be.  Most of them simply overlook this Commandment and reason out that tradition has dictated what day we should honor God.  Their schedule and activities could not be bothered by a Commandment specifically given to us by God.  Their convenience is their priority.

The Fourth Commandment is about sanctification and relationship - Exodus 20:8-11.
God instructs His people to "remember" the Sabbath and keep it set apart for holy purposes to draw nearer to Him. God initiated the Sabbath rest at Creation, blessing and sanctifying the seventh day (Genesis 2:1-3). It's clear He expected continued observance.



i just haven't been feeling well...i skipped gym this whole week BUT i made sure i did my 5-factor fitness every single day at home.
today, jackie lou blanco was at the bsp to give a health and fitness talk!  my friends and i made sure we went and saw her and it was sooo worth it!  she's so pretty and sexy and she really carries herself so well, just like on tv!  :-)  It was just fun hearing her share her stories about family, life, and just about everything else.
i will definitely try wheatgrass AND will try to check her espadrilles shop at The Podium (have been meaning to for the longest time now.)

Off to watching Desperate Housewives (re-run marathon)....  

oops i did it again


Stupid me struck again!  Why can't I just be content and not screw and mess things up?????  Things are going just fine....and I have to act all mushy and cheesy and shitty and now this is what I get!!!!!  If I manage to pull out of this mess, I will make sure to keep my big fat mouth shut!!!!! 

Tell us what fills your heart with gratitude


Dear papemelroti!

My heart is filled with gratitude when I see simple acts of kindness.
When a young man gives his seat in a bus to an elderly or a pregnant lady.
When I see someone share their food and clothes to the less fortunate.
The sight of a newborn baby cuddling up to her mother, feeling so secure in the arms of her parent.
And even just seeing a rainbow after the rain fills my heart with so much happiness.

I followed your blog with the username: Lena (

Contact me at

More than a year has passed


A lot has happened....
I have been liberated from "bondage" since July of last year.
Dj and I have been born again and it is the most wonderful feeling.  There is actually no word in any dictionary to describe it.  Wonderful, glorious, exalting are understatements...but our hearts are so full, that I guess, it's a word to somehow describe it.

The little girls are no longer little.....they have grown so fast!  So with Jonas and Milo!  Grandma turned 91 last October, and the whole family (well almost) celebrated with her!

Dj finally got his own TAMA drumkit!  Thanks to Tito Ben and an infusion of Dj's own savings :-)  His dream of becoming a really good drummer is now on its way! Mamimintakasi is their current name.

I joined the gym in October, but have not been there for a week now due to ill health.  But I am going back this week (hopefully!)  

Dj and I finally got our very own auto!!!!  Which we call "OTTO."  

Of course, we had our share of typhoon (Ondoy, Pepeng and Santi) stories....God bless everyone who helped and God bless the ones who suffered losses.

Good night for now...



random thoughts


finally getting Belle de Jour 2008 planner!!! am getting one for my mom, for jing & me!

awaiting the arrival of my complete (well, almost) Ann Brashares' The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants....still need to hunt down the official scrapbook :-(

need to really have a work-out so FAT!!! :-( A plateful of wedgie fries like the one they serve at Luke's...they sort of have that at carlos' pizza yum!!! plain or with melted cheese & bacon is sooooo goooood!!! ....I'm so FAT!!!!

July 10


Today is my bestfriend Juliet's 36th birthday. She is on her way with her 2nd child, my godson/daughter to be. I'm just contemplating on life has been when we were kids living in BF...when our world revolved on seeing each other, getting to our meeting place (usually our houses) on our bikes...I still remember the feeling of riding in the wind...that feeling seems so real even until I wish I could just get on my bike (the butterfly or the bmx or the shimano) once again & just let the wind freely blow away all my problems of the present.......



My passion lies not getting a career-break, let alone pursuing one......It's not in how far I've traveled or can travel around the world, especially if it's a business trip and not with my loved ones......not in how many workshops or seminars I've attended and can attend and are indicated in my CV for all to see......not in how much my gross annual income is...Cos where my passion lies taking care of my child from birth to forever, making sure I am there for him all the up a feast for Dj (my kid) and his friends on a stormy night, while the kids wait for the rain to stop so they can be on their way home......choosing what color canary to buy with my 5 year old niece (prior to this, cleaning out the birdcage and refilling the containers with bird seed and water)......reading & re-reading HP books with Dj beside me...filling me in on stuff I've already forgotten who were the Peverells, etc....having Dj comfort me as I bawled over poor Dobby's death (yes! I did cry over Dobby!)......simply watching people go about with their lives as I walk through parks near Manila City Hall........walking along the streets in Old Manila.....[...]

my fondest childhood memories


batang bata ka lang at akala mo na na alam mo na ang lahat ng kailangan mong malaman.......i'm talking about the original version sang by APO...hearing this song reminds me of my fondest childhood memories...memories of Alabang & BF...of 191 Apitong St.....Phnom Penh Cor. New Delhi Sts.....camping out with Kuya Mike, Wowie, Haydee, Melle & Yek in the garden...playing make-believe Cinderella, Snow White & Sleeping Beauty and scaring the seahorse and squid in the bahay kubo inspired aquarium in the lanai...going to ATC with Kuya Mike to deliver burger patties at the Magnolia ice cream parlor (is that still around?...dunno eh, haven't been to ATC for so many years now)...tagging along with Kuya Mike while he withdraws money from the ATM (then I thought ATMS dispensed money endlessly!) Ü I thought Kuya Mike was really rich! he he....jogging in the streets in the morning with Pagsi and Shiela...proud parents of Boomer "Ate Inggay"s doggie!"......driving through Concha Cruz at full speed for fear of running into the "Legendary White Lady".........Icee @ Tropical Hut...the weighing scale at Tropical Hut!!! Ü FUNLAND!!!! Orange Tree where I got my favorite purple and pink Esprit shirts.....ELF!!! my all time favorite novelty shop! The "jelly thing" & cute stationeries at O'Smile!......Sunday mornings...waking up to the noise of Hitler and rides to as far as Hamburg, Houston...and Governor Santos......Christmas then was the best...maybe it was because I was still a kid or maybe it's simply because BF is where really my heart is.... =( We had our all white parol on our front door....we'd buy watusi in Kuba's store...we'd watch Koyang Pete and Steven light and pop those "5 star" and "bawang" firecrackers....How I also loved going to Tabek and Tessa's place where we'd play boardgames & ride around in our bikes endlessly.....tagging my kid bro and sis Wowie and Haydee to Tabek's....playing "kickball" & her really great "detailed" dollhouse! Sometimes we'd just lie around & make kwento till we ran out of stories..then Tabek's Inay would call us for lunch, "a real treat" since she cooked the best dinuguan ever!!! How it went well with the california rice! yUM!!!Going home, sometimes Kuya Jimmy would give me a backride on the famous "yellow hopper"...nahulog pa kami dun 1 time....I got sandwiched by the two and Tabek was like, "Kuya Jimmy lagot ka may sugat si Helen!" ha ha ha i dreaded going home that day!.........ang dami pang memories of my childhood.....of my home...........someday, I'm gonna go back.........until then i'll have these memories to hold on to..... Ü[...]

the math on love



My life story should've been as uncomplicated as 1+1=2....but somewhere along the way, i stupidly managed to add a couple of ÷s, Xs and even several √s thus complicating my otherwise basic life equation.

People say life is what we make of it and that we always have a choice...but, what if the choices given to you do not even have anything you like? Do you just settle for the lesser evil for the sake of choosing? I think that more or less, it's what happened to me...Add to that, the sad reality that I am such a hopeless believer of true love and fairy tale endings...



This is way low tech if you ask anyone...
  • the log books for everything that comes in & goes out to (they say) track the internal & external what's the use of having an e mail account? Isn't the point of having an e mail to transmit such in a matter of minutes? or even seconds? AND to be rid of hardcopies that take up so much space & contribute to dust (causing allergies, etc.)
    Approvals would be done in a click of a key! They'd finally be paper-free, hence, less roach infested...atleast somehow (?) ....i hope
  • another thing is the phones!!! or the friggin' lack of them! Imagine having to live & work with just ONE phone in one whole division?!!!! When I got so used to having my own digital phone with the cool LCD and speaker, follow me plus telecon functions!!!! Aarrgh!!! How I miss that!
  • OMIGOD the scanners!!!! What do I do then if they ask me to scan a 50-page document? Scan them one by one?!? They don't have the scanner that feeds load of docs automatically!!!! (groan)
  • And they use telefax (double groan)!!! emphasis on the tele... here
  • ENP's already rolling out to Windows Vista Enterprise while here....they've just started migrating to Windows probably Vista's gonna be introduced around 3000 huh?

my frustration of the arts


really really want to do it but how to???? how to go about to actually doing it is the big Q!!!
and tapping into the creative side of me
I know I once had is another...