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Preview: Mum of Two and Buster makes Three

Mum of Two and Buster made Three

Welcome to my blog, a place to talk about my life, with a bit of everything, hashing, camping, holidays, animal anecdotes and other bits and bobs thrown in for good measure....with the loss of my lovely Mum in 2010, I'm using this as my space to talk to m

Updated: 2018-03-07T00:19:49.059+00:00




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My sons have recently started a new activity with a company called Tubers Academy. They go twice a week and take part in a variety of activities to help them learn how to use cameras, edit and present vlogs. This is my youngest sons first video going solo.



Finally Graduated!So I went to bed with a headache last night, emotionally drained. Flashbacks to many a late night trying to get words to make sense, flicking through notes and books and scrolling through internet forums and pages to find that one quote that I knew was there but had omitted to write down. I am grateful to each and every one of those people around me who had to miss out on my company, who kept me going when I faltered and who congratulated me on the result of every single assignment. I started my Open University career in 2006 with a 10 point course 'Understanding Children'. Encouraged by my Mum to 'do something to keep your brain active!' I loved it and then embarked on another course not really with any particular intention. I was running pre-school activity sessions for the under 5's and loving it but the Open University gave me the brain workout that I needed in a subject that I was getting a real passion about. I had two little boys in the house and was reading books like mad on child development and how to be the best parent I could be.  My husband deserves a mention too, as he spent many an hour trying to stay awake until I'd finalised my assignments and then sat there listening to me read it out loud for one final proof read. He probably never understood what he was hearing but he always praised me on the wording and encouraged me to continue when I had a wobble or two about giving it up. 9 years later in 2015 I embarked on my final two modules together because I know what I'm like and knew that I would be 'proper cross' (say that in a Devonshire accent) if I didn't finish 'early'! I had the most amazing tutor for one of those modules, Children's Literature, and although the Research with Children was really hard going chatting to my fellow students and tutor about Children's Literature helped the time fly. I had a chart of how many assignments I had left to do and slowly they were ticked off until I was on my very last assignment for my degree.  I felt a real sense of loss once I'd finished, what was I going to do but nature put paid to me worrying about that and sent me off to hospital to have a hysterectomy. Good friends brought me books to read and I was soon immersed in  a variety of book worlds, painkillers and trying to get better again. Something I never thought I would ever be. However September has come and although I have had disappointments I have realised that I have actually achieved something pretty amazing. Today, I graduated, I gained a BA (Hons) in Childhood and Youth Studies. WOW. I did that...I really, really did that!All those hours ploughing through books, stressing about exams, underlining sentences that I didn't really understand, highlighting words that I thought might come in handy later....all those long, hard hours really paid off. I had the absolute pleasure of sitting next to two delightful people during the Graduation, one of whom I know will be a friend for a long time to come yet. The nerves and the constant suppression of tears that I felt as I left my family and headed to the front were dissipated as I sat down. Most of those people were feeling the same, nervous, excited and most had a story to tell to go with their degree.  My Mum I know would have been immensely proud of me, my Dad, he would have been there and said in his warm Somerset accent 'Well done my darling girl!' People who knew my Mum know that she had a passion about children, educating them, providing them with an education that they understood. She never let anyone down....when she died I received so many cards and letters from former parents, former pupils with their stories about how she had an impact on their lives.  I hope that I can continue her way...caring about people, helping children understand themselves so that they can access the world and hopefully having a positive impact on those around me.  9 years it took to get my degree....9 years whilst juggling the loss of my Dad, two young boys, family l[...]



Memories of Mum Six years ago today I was without my Mum, in the early hours of the morning on 14th February 2010 I was told by a doctor that my Mum only had half an hour to live. Half an hour...what can I do with half an hour when I needed a lifetime to tell my Mum how special she was to me. I watched brokenhearted as machine after machine was switched off and watched the life ebb out of my lovely Mum. I had to tell my sons that their beloved Nanny was coming back no more. My youngest who was 4 at the time asked me why she had died when hospitals are supposed to take care of you. How could I answer? I couldn't then and I still can't but what I do know is that perhaps just perhaps my Mum would still be here today if the hospital had had enough staff on duty to notice that Mum's bloods were going the wrong way sooner that perhaps she would be sharing lunch with us today if the dialysis machine had worked properly. I miss my Mum with a passion that only I feel, I have an anger in me that rises up from time to time, should I have complained at the time, should I complain now? It won't make any difference because times have changed, the government are messing with the NHS, they are taking away people's pride and passion for looking for and caring for people. Damn you...... Six years ago yesterday I sat by my Mum's side in to one care I was promised....the entire time I was in that room there were four nurses trying to look after 8 people and then the ward was empty for two hours as the two nurses left on duty were taking people to other wards to be looked after and cared for. I spent several hours listening to the ward sister on the phone pleading with people to come into work to put their lives on hold to help save other lives. I listened to her explaining that there wasn't enough staff. I listened to her sighs as she replaced the phone yet again after failing to connect with someone's conscience. Why should they interrupt their weekend off to work when they weren't respected by their bosses or listened to by the government?  Six years ago today I held onto my Mum's hand and begged her to stay with me, I begged her to squeeze my hand and I prayed for her eyes to focus on me on her surroundings. She spoke to me in my mind....'I'm tired sweetheart, it's time for me to go.' I knew she was going before the Dr announced it to me in the waiting room. I knew that she was leaving us....but would she have gone had things been just slightly different. I doubt my heart I knew she wasn't going to be the same if she ever came through but I didn't want to say goodbye to her.  Grieving takes many forms, I get cross, I get upset, I feel empty, I cry for no reason, I smile when I remember the times we shared, I giggle when I remember our mad moments together. I am still grieving, I will always be grieving because there are people out there who never met my Mum, they don't understand why I'm so sad at certain times in the year..... For those of you that knew my Mum you understand....she was so very special, she was formidable, she was my rock. I miss her every single day. Anniversaries get harder because my body lets me grieve a little more each year. It's hard remembering what I was doing six years ago on Valentine's Day don't spend heaps of money, just take the hand of those nearest and dearest, look them in the eyes and tell them what they mean to you...tell them now......hug them NOW....tomorrow might be too late.  Love you always Mum, you know that and I know you are still near us and with us, helping and sending us signs. I love you specially and always willlove darling girlRuth xx[...]



All the 'stories' going on about the NHS, I just wanted to share my Dad (step-dad) went into hospital with several aneurysms. This  was a Friday lunchtime in 1991. On Saturday he had major heart surgery with surgeons, anaesthetists and nurses who had been called in from their time off. They did that to save his life. They were proud to be part of a team who helped people and were respected I was extremely grateful because he survived and lived until 2004. Go forward to Mum goes into hospital for a routine operation for an aortic valve replacement that was on Thursday evening. Following her surgery in ICU she suffered a cardiac arrest and remained in ICU. I was told it was one to one care. I sat with her for the whole of Friday and Saturday with four nurses caring for 8- 10 people. At one point when people were being moved there were 2 nurses. I had to sit and listen to the Sister phone about 15 members of staff pleading with them to come into work because two were poorly and some just hadn't come in. My Mum died....part of her bowel tissue poisoned her, blood tests and vital signs that should have been monitored constantly weren't noticed till it was too late. She was left on her own with an array of machines and me for about four hours, the nurse attending another patient didn't have time to come and find out why I knew Mum was in pain. I was told she wasn't in pain and not to worry. I lost one of the most precious people that ever came into my life. Sometimes I have felt so incredibly angry about this that I have written letters and emails (they have never been sent) I wanted the hospital to pay for their huge mistakes. Understaffed in ICU....machines that didn't work. Kidney dialysis machine was attached for about half an hour before they realised it wasn't working . I am grateful to the staff who were working...apart from one who was so rude I could have punched her in her face, luckily for her she was taken away from Mum to be with her patient. Could I send letters condemning them for what they tried to do? It probably wasn't their fault....our government has created an NHS with  people who can't care because they haven't got the facilities or the staff to be able to do their jobs properly. People who have got no respect from the people above them and won't go that extra mile because they can't. I've seen the best of the NHS....they cared for me through kidney operations and miscarriages, births, the NHS has saved my life....I've seen it at its worst.....I am truly grateful to all those members of staff, doctors, nurses, admin...who go above and beyond, until the government stop messing about and destroying the motivation and respect everyone should have for the work of the NHS then I'm afraid more deaths will happen. I don't have the answers....I just know that in 20 years people's attitudes to caring have changed and that makes me sad. Nothing I can do will bring my Mum back....I will live with the sadness, the anger and the guilt forever. Could I have made a difference? Should I have complained sooner? Who knows.....I only hope that my Mum knows that I did what I could to make her as comfortable as I could in her last few hours.



Had a really vivid dream last night and my Mum was there. We had a flood in the garden and I was trying to sort it out. I heard this strange noise and discovered my Mum wading about in the flood. What are you doing? I asked Trying to sort this flood out. I've phoned the water board but they said they haven't got money to sort it out. It was only a brief visit and it was only us talking about a non existent flood. Or was it? To me it's so much more than that....water indicates emotions and to me the flow of water signifies the amount of emotion I feel after losing Mum .Not sure 2 weeks after or 2 years after but most of the time. It was my Mums way of saying I'm still here, I'm still around, you may not always realise it but I'm around, behind that tree, helping you get through the hard times, the tough times. Keep going....Keep can do it. We did sort the water out with Mark and the boys carrying it to the family helped me and help me. I keep strong for them.



Somedays I really miss my Mum and Dad, memories are triggered by an event, song or thought. Today we will be attempting the pumpkin carving and it always reminds me of the times I did it with my Mum and Dad not with pumpkins though, we always had swedes from the farmer up the road. Hollowing those out was a really hard job and we had lots of help but the carvings lasted so much longer than the pumpkins. Candles in they did the job. We didn't really do trick or treating in Cumbria where I lived, we had mischief night, which as the name tells it we just got up to mischief. So not big bowls of sweets or goodies for us, we used to borrow people's gates. Move them around the village and on one marvellous occasion we even managed to hide one in the vicar's van!
Memories there to make us feel closer to those that we miss so much.
The photo below was Theo when he was toddling, his first Halloween outfit, he wasn't very impressed but we did the Halloween trick or treating with Mum and went round to next door's with our sweets that we had dropped round earlier!



So it would have been my Dad's birthday today and I had planned to go to the cemetery in the morning but as is the case all best laid plans and all that I didn't actually arrive at the cemetery until nearly 9pm! Anyway I made it and I'm glad I went. I always feel so much more calmer there, an inner peace, it is almost like I'm being held close and all my worries are being removed when I'm there. I had gone in when it was dusk, taking my head torch, the cemetery looked peaceful with various solar lights placed around different graves, lots of new ones and that always makes me feel sad because that's more people who will be missing their loved ones. I walk for the watering can as normal and down to the cremation plots, 6 along and  in. The rockery plant is doing really well and although the soil was quite dry today the plant itself is really healthy, I've taken quite a few cuttings off today and I will plant them up and perhaps give them to people as presents to have...part of Mum's plant. Will people think that's weird or will they accept it for what it's meant to be a gesture of love?I don't know....all I know is that I've finally found a plant that will survive at Teignmouth cemetery, something which Mum left me as a challenge because she could never find one that lasted long enough. I think she would be proud of me.Anyway back to my Dad, he meant so much to me and I do miss him and his wise words, his warm hugs. He was kind to everyone and helped anyone who needed help. It was funny someone posted on facebook today about you haven't done a days work until you've done a day baling hay...and it reminded me of being with Dad and helping out on the farm, he was so strong and able and I tried my best to be just like him. When he died, Theo was just 5 days old , I remember vividly the last time I saw him, with Theo and he was lying in bed so very poorly. He lifted his huge hand up to Theo who was in the car seat and put his finger to Theo's hand, Theo grabbed his finger and he looked at me and just simply said 'Marvelous' he didn't need to say anything else. That moment was happiness for him, he had stayed alive to meet Theo and he made it. I was so very proud of him for doing that for me. I just wish as I wish now with Mum that they were both still here to see the boys and be a part of our lives, they would have loved to have seen how Theo has matured this last year, they would have been going on dog walks with us and joining us for picnics this summer and I'm pretty sure my garden would be a lot tidier and my house a lot tidier too! I miss you Dad so much, I really hope you've had your cider in heaven or wherever you are, Happy Birthday with special love xxThe writing below was what I wrote for Dad for his funeral: My Dad My dad. He was a man that you couldn’t help loving, so strong, so kind and caring. The reason I loved him so much was because we chose to love each other. There was nothing I liked better than a hug from my dad now all I’ve got are the memories and warmth from the love he gave. There are so many memories of my dad but here are just a few things I’ll remember about him. I’ll remember all the times we shared, the secret trips when we never knew where we were going till we got there. The times at home playing cards and never being able to beat him, watching the northern lights or the kestrel hovering in the garden, the bonfires on bonfire night and the Halloween lanterns carved out of swede. I’ll remember all the things he did for me, looking after me when I was unwell, the perfectly boiled eggs, the house moves he helped me with, the gardening he did for me, the birthday cakes he baked for me including the first one he did where the icing had all melted down the sides and you could just make out the happy birthday Ruth. I’ll remember the things he made for me, the guinea pig run from the old coal bunker, the[...]



Mother's Day
I used to love Mother's Day making a card and cobbling together breakfast in bed with a flower taken from the garden. I remember one Mother's Day that Mum had bought herself some Honesty branches. If you don't know what that is then google it. The beautiful part is when you peel away the brown shell of the seed pod to reveal the silvery soft inner part. I didn't know this. When Mum asked me to get it ready in a vase I took the whole seed pod off and she was left with sticks. Did she shout at me? Did she sulk because I'd done it wrong? No she just looked at me smiled and said 'Those sticks look beautiful' it wasn't until a little while later that she told me what I'd done. Perhaps this is why now I have a love of sticks...who knows. Our Mothers teach us how to be in the world, they show us how to love, care and nurture things. Sometimes people aren't so lucky but I know I had one of the most amazing Mums around.

The clip below reminds me what life lessons my Mum taught can be rocky, sometimes you have to hang on, sometimes you can smile, some things are worth jumping up and down for. People will push past you, get in the way but mostly those around who care for you are standing there rooting for you, urging you on, encouraging you until you have won the battle. Once that battle is won then there is always time to sigh and pull a face! Love you Mum and missing you so much today as always. I, honestly thought that this year I could do it, I could get through without that sadness welling up inside me. I very nearly did. 

Mum you helped me become the person I am today and I'm so very honoured to have had you as my Mum. I hope that I will continue to make you proud as I carry on through life, hopefully showing the boys what it is to love and be loved unconditionally.



So the anniversary is upon us again and who can believe it is 5 years since I heard the Dr say 'I'm sorry you're Mum has only got half an hour to live' I relive those moments sometimes at night in my dreams I'm fighting once again with Mum to keep her here with me, sometimes just re-running it in my head. That long, dragging run down the corridor to get to her, the urgent calling to get the vicar to her. Trying to remember the Lord's Prayer and holding her hand tightly whilst whispering in her ear how much she means to me. The silence that fell as the last machine was switched off. The desolation and despair as we drove back home and the anguish of having to tell two young boys that their Nanny wasn't going to be coming home again. Explaining to Oli how some people don't get better when they go to hospital.Never has my life changed so much so rapidly....there have been some really low points for me over the last few years, being diagnosed with fibromyalgia, brought on through having Post traumatic stress disorder through losing Mum. She really wouldn't have wanted that to happen and I battle everyday to prevent it from stopping me living my life and enjoying my family.Teasel has been diagnosed with Cushing's disease.....treatable but not the worst case scenario, I really couldn't have coped with losing her so close to this date.Everywhere people are celebrating Valentine's Day, it's lovely to see but hard to get caught up in the celebrations when all I feel is numb and empty.The times I have reached for the phone to ring Mum to tell her some news or ask her advice, the times I have wished she was here just for one more day to have one more hug, one more laugh. See her smile and call me her darling girl.The hardest thing about feeling this pain is knowing that there are others out there who are feeling just as desolate, who cared about her just as much as I did.I wrote a poem again today as I sat in the sunshine on the bench in the cemetery.Have you finished?Sun shines, grieving pausedAs other people enter the silence of our heartbreakI sit and waitHeartache on holdPen poisedWaitingSeagulls squawkingBlackbirds banterI sit and waitCalmness approachesA wind blows Reminding me I'm not aloneBrushing my cheek as you once would have doneInspiration ceases with a blackbird's whistleYou are not alone in your sadnessOther's hearts ache as yours achesTears wiped away we bid each other a cheery hello as we can manage'Have you finished with the watering can?'Then move and on with life we go.[...]



February -
a time for people to tell people they love them....pancakes and spring is on it's way.
February for me is one of the hardest months of the year, a reminder that Mum is no longer here, a reminder that yet another year has gone by without me being able to talk to that special lady who knew exactly what to say and do in any situation. Even if it meant that I didn't want to hear what she was saying I always knew deep down that she was right.
Tomorrow Teasel goes back into the vets for more tests....i'm hoping against all hope that we will find out what is going on and she can have some treatment.

I miss my Mum every single day....I just have to try to keep it hidden from everyone around me, they don't want to know how sad I'm feeling do they?

The pictures below are Teasel on her first holiday in Cumbria with Buster 'sharing' her bed. Mum and Teasel on her first week with us in our family. She was so cutchie. (cute) 



Feeling rather tearful at the moment. Teasel has had a couple of trips to the vet and it appears now that she has got some sort of lump in her liver, enlarged liver and enlarged adrenal glands. Still waiting for blood test results to see if it's Cushing's Disease, if it's not that then something is going wrong with her liver. I'm not giving up hope just yet, she's ok in herself just needing lots of drinks and wees. She's gone a bit bald in patches as well...even balder today after the tests were done.
She is such a character and such a special little dog. I just don't know how i'll cope if I find out it's something horrible tomorrow. :( Love you little



Freddy! That's what I call my Fibromyalgia and he's being a pain today...literally. What I would like to know is how can a walk with the boys and the dogs leave me in so much pain. I cannot walk on my right foot tonight, it feels like I should have fallen on it and twisted the ankle and it should be black and blue with bruises but no nothing just the fibromyalgia, over reacting, annoying fibromyalgia.
I don't like complaining, Mark's not well, fluey thing. I don't want to plaster it all over facebook, people don't want to read sad things or moaning. So i'll bring it here, where I come if I need to talk and don't know who else or what else to talk to.
Really feeling cross with it all today. I didn't go too far with the boys, yes I wore wellies which I know Freddy doesn't like because it's a bit of extra weight to carry, but please just give me a break. Please let me for once wake up without having to stoop like an old lady to get to the toilet. Please for once can I be able to get out of bed without having to hold onto the cupboard and haul myself out, let me muscles work first thing in the morning, let me be able to walk down the stairs without having to hold on tightly to the bannister as every step is painful. Let me head be pain free, let me not feel sick when i've eaten. Please for one day just let me be able to go for a walk without feeling like i've run a marathon.
Moan over, normal service will now resume.

Nearly 2015, I wonder how many posts I'll get in next year?
I wish everyone who reads this the best of everything they wish for themselves.

Visiting Mum


Visiting Mum Mum, what would you say?Mum, what would you do?In times when I need to talkI can no longer come and see you. I talk to you constantlyReplies racing through my mind'Least said, soonest mended''Always try to be kind' You were caring and compassionateYou always said what was trueEven when it might hurt a littleYou were always true to you. Mum, I miss your franknessYour laughter and your twinkling smileIt's been four and a half years nowso short and at the same time a huge while. I still see you in my mind's eye,Your warmth still holds me closebut it's your hugs and words of wisdomthat I miss the very most. So I sit here as the morning sunshinebeats down warmly on my faceI cherish all the times we sharedwhilst I think about them in this place. The sun I feel is not just the sunI know that truly in my heartIt's your love that you send down to meto show we'll never be apart. Whenever I need to talk to youor need a hug so muchyou send me signs to show you hearand send the rain and sun to touch. I love you Mum and miss youwith each and every passing day.I'm being stronger and do less cryingwell in public it's the best way. My tears will leak and tumble downwhen standing by your polished stoneBut I know that you are here with meand I'll Never be alone. I know that you have understood why my visits are less frequentit's not that I've forgotten youor I'm turning all delinquent. I have my own wonderful familywho need me to be thereSo sometimes on your birthday MumI have to whisper you a little prayer. So thank you Mum for listeningto these words I come to sayI keep your love within meeach and every single day. Happy Birthday Mum, Love and Miss you Always Your darling girlRuth xx [...]



A busy day ended with some sadness. Our gerbils live in our kitchen and just get on with their lives being no trouble to anyone. We feed them, we clean them out they get out and have a ride round in their plastic balls. They are part of our family. Tonight I was aware that the noise levels from the kitchen weren't as loud as they normally are with two gerbils running round and discovered that Theo's gerbil Messi has sadly died. She was a real sweetie, blond in colour and always the thinner of the two gerbils. She was more shy but had recently been brave to come and get her daily treat at the doorway.
So we told Theo and had tears and upset, it's taken me two hours to settle him. I cried harder than I probably should have done because of losing Mum, it brings it all back. He didn't want to see Messi so i've carefully wrapped her up ready for the burial tomorrow. He decided how he wanted her wrapped and I've cut up a pink scarf I had as a special burial cloak.
It's always sad to lose any animal as they are part of the family, Night Sky the gerbil that is left seems happy enough mooching around on her own in the gerbilarium. I hate saying goodbyes, tomorrow is going to be horrible.
Rest in peace Messi, I hope you enjoyed your life with us, thank you for being such a lovely gerbil for Theo.

Sunny days, fires and nearly hot chocolate!


I'm full of cold still, have been for a few days, tricky when you already have fibromyalgia to deal with as well. I suppose that's why it takes so long to shift these fairly normal occurrences. Anyway no time to sit and mope about today, Oli was off playing at a friend's house so I took Theo to a different friend and was expecting to sit quietly while they played on the trampoline and made dens. No such luck...'please can we make a fire?' Training to be a Forest School Leader is great but it also comes with the aspect that whenever a child is around they want to be lighting fires with my fire lighter (which luckily I now keep in my handbag so I have it for just these occasions). So we built a small fire which soon went out when the boys got distracted with other things. Built a second one and then christened their brand new, shiny Kelly Kettle. We ended the afternoon with warm hot chocolate but like I tell them in Forest School it's a treat and we've made that happen by keeping the fire going. I love days like today, getting the children out and about in the fresh air, playing with sticks and finding things that would make good fires. The dead leaves around the laurel bush went off like firecrackers...they liked those lots!

Makes me sad


Day 3 of the Easter holidays and it's tinged with sadness. I had a blood test this morning to check my thyroid levels as I'm subclinically hypothyroid. Have symptoms but not being treated or something like that anyway. Mark came home so he was collected from Exeter train station this afternoon. We've had a day at home today in between jobs. I was going to go swimming but found out the pool would have closed by the time I got up there after eating so that's a shame.Anyway today Peaches Geldof has been found dead at her home, she was 25 years old. It has really made me feel sad. I was a fan of her Mum's Paula Yates and followed her with interest, used to watch her on the TV on the various shows she was involved in. Then followed the news when she died and the battle to keep Heavenly with her sisters and Bob Geldof as he dad had died too. So it was a shock to read today that she has died. There are no details as to how she died, a mother of two very young boys we can only presume that perhaps the stress has got to her somehow. What she must have been going through having lost her own Mum we can only begin to imagine for someone so young. Becoming a Mum herself it must have hit her pretty hard that her own Mum was never going to see those boys, never going to share in them growing up. It's hard enough for me knowing that my Mum isn't going to be here to see them developing into the lovely young men I know they will become but I would hope that life never seems so unbearable that I would feel the need to turn to drugs or alcohol to help myself feel better. I have my low days, low weeks even but never would I dream of taking my own life. So for someone, if indeed that is what has happened, to do that things must have been pretty bleak. I feel for her Dad, Bob Geldof, who has lived through so much heartache already and now has to go through it all again...and worse....thoughts are with you and your family Sir Bob, thoughts are with those two boys.RIP Peaches, may you find some peace wherever you may be. [...]



Day Two of the Easter holidays saw us taking a dip at Finlake after renewing my membership. Shame Mark couldn't be there to join in the fun too. It was the first time i'd been swimming with the boys where they were getting changed on their own without me in the room with them but I need not have worried they were beautifully behaved and managed it all without any fuss or nonsense. I must admit to being a tad grateful that I could just concentrate on getting myself changed. After the swim we stayed for a yummy carvery.
We drove home in the drizzle and picked up the dogs and headed out again to Stover for a walk in the woods. Oli took his ball with him and played dodge the poo! He did a pretty good job of it too.
Then it was home for some ironing (oh the joys) and trying to get my tummy to feel less full. I feel happy to have had some exercise though and can't wait till tomorrow when we can go swimming again hopefully! Just like we are on holiday! Oh yes forgot we are..... :)

Here are the boys with the 'yellow tufted birdy thing' and showing off the football skills at Stover.

Day One - Easter Holidays


Day One - Easter Holidays
After a busy start to the day with swimming lessons and Dance lessons the day slowed with a film and a cuddle on the sofa whilst eating lunch. Some science fiction/action type film, the name eludes me. Then it was off to Stover for a walk and kickabout with the boys and dogs. Mark is away in Croydon at the moment so had a chat to him on the phone before his marathon shift. Home and discovered what we think is a robin's egg in the garden, it was cold and when Oli tried to sit on it he cracked it and discovered 'an egg'. They were quite amazed to see that it was just like a normal egg but on a tinier scale. Then after managing to get a couple of jobs done it was tea time and time for another film. National Treasure which we realised once we'd started it that we'd seen it before but it was a good film so the boys carried on watching it whilst I washed up. Late into bed tonight after speaking to Mark on the phone and reading our story. The boys watched videos of themselves that they'd been making. I'm hoping for a restful evening now before I head up to bed.



Mother's DayTo be a Mum is to be the queen yet a worker all in one.You love, you toil tirelessly,  your day is never done.To lose a Mum is to lose a special piece of your heartYou never want her to leave, never to be apart.So on Mother's Day remember not only the Mums that are hereBut think about those who in our hearts we hold dear.On Mother's Day I think of you as I lay flowers at your graveI weep silently and try to remember those hugs that I crave.Your love for me was endless, pure and simple tooNever questioned needlessly the many things I do.I miss you Mum, the pain inside it never goes awayI wish that I could see you even just for one more day.I'd hold you close, I'd tell you how much you mean to meI know that seeing you like that is never going to be.But I know that you are watching over my precious familyCaring for us, guiding us through, steadfastly.I thank you on this day Mum and every other tooFor giving so much love and just for being you.Love you specially Mum always xxx [...]

Valentine's Day Anniversary


Well I made it through yesterday, lots of tears first thing and last thing but whilst I was at school I managed to keep it under control. It's really hard to feel such pain and keep it hidden all the time though. Like I said to my brother on the's just not fair. Why were you taken from us so soon? I get really cross at times about this and do feel like contacting the hospital but at the end of the day it is not going to bring you back so I stop myself getting cross and angry and try to concentrate on the good times, the fun times and the love you gave me and still do.
I'm trying to get some video clips onto youtube to share with the family but it's not working and I'm so tired now at the end of half term, I'm going to get Mark to have a look and see if he can help out to get it working.

I love you so much Mum, you mean so much to me, you gave me so much and supported me so ferociously through life. I miss having you fighting for my corner, standing there urging me on, advising me on the best way to deal with whatever issue I was facing at the time....I told you before you died that you were my rock...I still like to think that you are still there rooting for me and sending me those little 'Godwinks'.

special love Mum always

So sad....


Well's very nearly 4 years since you died. This time four years ago I was sitting in the hospital holding your hand, talking to you and praying that everything was going to be ok. The hospital were doing various tests because you weren't responding as you should have been and the blood tests were going the wrong way. I miss you so so much, nobody will understand how close we were and what you mean to me. Tonight Oli moved up into Cubs and was invested.....I shed a few more tears than I probably should because I know you would have been there smiling and you would be so proud of the young man he is becoming and Theo there standing proudly watching too. Mum I don't know how I'm going to be tomorrow I have spent the last two weeks talking to myself, telling myself to be strong and happy and keep smiling, thinking that this year I can do it, I can get through without tears but the minute I let my guard down the tears fall and the sadness overwhelms me. Life without you is so hard, each day I want to talk to you, tell you things, have a hug like only you can give me. Share with you the things I've been doing, discuss the problems I have, talk through the exciting things that are happening with the boys. Theo starting drum lessons....he's finally showing an interest in something that he can do on his own. I'm so very proud of the boys Mum, I know you would be too.I miss you all the time, I love you alwaystomorrow will be hard but I will try to keep positive and you specially Mum always xxxxx[...]



So the Big D has hit again.....after spending the last few months wondering why I was feeling so down and not enjoying doing things, crying more than usual and then having a viral bug hit me on Saturday I decided enough was enough....



Today four years ago I went to Derriford Hospital to visit my lovely Mum before she went in for her operation. An operation that should have given her a new lease of life...that should have meant she would be here with us today enjoying life, being part of our busy lives, congratulating the boys on all their achievements and here for me to hug. Four years ago at this time I told Mum  that I loved her and that I would be there waiting when she came round....Four years ago we shed tears of worry and concern and scolded each other for doing so...Four years ago today my Mum was still alive....I miss her so much...the pain I feel never goes just gets hidden from day to day life. Love you specially Mum always xxx





Miss you Mum xxxx