Jokes, funny images and videos to light up your day...
Last Build Date: Thu, 09 Feb 2017 04:56:52 +0000
Apples of life
Tue, 10 Aug 2010 23:27:00 +0000
A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.
Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, 'What are those round things hanging there, daddy?'
Proudly, he replies, 'Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.
Without them we wouldn't be here.'
Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.
To which mommy asks, 'Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?'
How Dare You....
Wed, 28 Jul 2010 01:12:00 +0000
One day , at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skin tight miniskirt.
When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little.
She still could not reach the step.
Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more.
Still, she couldn’t reach the step.
So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn’t reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus.
The girl turned around furiously and said, “How dare you touch my body that way, I don’t even know you!”
Shocked, the man says, “Well, ma’am, after you reached around and unzipped my pants three times, I thought that we were friends.”
Stupid excuse for not coming to School
Wed, 28 Jul 2010 00:39:00 +0000
There was a conversation going between sir & student:
Sir:Why haven't u come to school yesterday?
Student:Sir! there was a quarrel between my parents that's why
Sir: So what happened if your parents quarrel?
Student: Sir! one shoe was in my mother's hand and one on my father's that's why I didn't had any shoes and was unable to come to school.
Making Fool to Police Officer
Wed, 28 Jul 2010 00:36:00 +0000
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If
I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Because I'm too drunk to do that!"
Wed, 28 Jul 2010 00:31:00 +0000
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in.
Naughty Mind... High Expectations ...
Thu, 15 Jul 2010 07:30:00 +0000
It was professor smith's first day at St. Johns medical college as a faculty. Known for his teaching excellence, he made his entry into a classroom of 1st year medical students, where he received a warm welcome from the students, followed by their intro.
To start with, he planned to put forth a question to the class. He said, "Well students, before we start off with today's lecture, let me ask you a simple question on human anatomy".
He gazed across the classroom, spotted a female student Suzie, and said, "Tell me Suzie, which part of the human body grows 10 times its original size when excited?"
Hearing this question, Suzie's face grew pale in embarrassment, she replied:" you should be ashamed to ask such a question to a female. I am sorry, but I can't answer your, this question".
Thwarted by the girl's reply, professor smith rolled on his sight around the classroom afresh, to find out if there was anyone else who could satisfy his query.
This time he located a male student Henry, who had already raised his hand in affirmation to answer the question, and allowed the lad to go ahead.
Henry answered: "pupil of a human eye".
The professor applauded for the boy's accurate answer; then turned back to Suzie and said: "look, Suzie, I am sorry but, I must tell you a couple of things:
(1) You lack knowledge
(2) You have a dirty mind and
(3) Your Expectations are too high !!! (10 times ... ... Huh ... ... MY GOD !!! )
Control Over Wife
Thu, 15 Jul 2010 07:28:00 +0000
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" They asked. She said, "get out from under the bed and fight like a man".
Impact of job change
Thu, 15 Jul 2010 07:17:00 +0000
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, and then the driver said:
"Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead Bodies for the last 25 years.......u can imagine what went into my mind when u touched my back!!
Now that's what I call an Explanation
Thu, 01 Jul 2010 01:48:00 +0000
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift.
She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
Blonde Answers the Final Question ...
Thu, 24 Jun 2010 23:13:00 +0000
A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire? " had reached the final Plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 Milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.
It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo
D) the vulture
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline.
The woman hoped she would not have to use it because her friend was, well ...blond.
She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blond responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. Considering that her friend was a blond, which would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could
Not help but be persuaded.
"I need an answer," said Regis.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?"
"Yes, that is my final answer."
Two minutes later, Regis said, "That answer is absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire! "
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blond who had helped her win the million dollars.
"Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant.
"How did you happen to know the right answer?"
Wait for it,,,,
"Oh, come on," said the blond.. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.
Polish Man, American Girl
Thu, 24 Jun 2010 23:07:00 +0000
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
-Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
– It made of concrete.
I don’t think you understand. Do either of you have a real grudge?
– No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean. What are your relation s like?
– All my relations still in Poland .
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
– We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
– No, I am always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
– No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
-She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
-I got proof.
What kind of proof?
– She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say:
The smart man
Tue, 08 Jun 2010 12:18:00 +0000
One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke.
The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment. "Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane. Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.
Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped. The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane." The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack.*
Tue, 08 Jun 2010 12:13:00 +0000
A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a basketball player.
They start to talk, and eventually, go back to his place. They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.
"What's that?" the lady questions.
"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."
Then the man takes off his pants, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.
'What's that?' the lady questions again.
"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."
Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.
"You didn't tell me you had AIDS!" the lady screams.
"No, no.....! Calm down," the man replies..... ... "This will say ADIDAS in a minute...... .....!!!"
Hiding in the Closet
Tue, 08 Jun 2010 11:52:00 +0000
Just as mom walks though the door, little Jonny comes running over. He says "Mommy, Mommy. I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took off each others clothes and laid down on the bed..."
The mother interrupts him. "Stop right there!! Wait 'till daddy comes home!!"
When the father finally returns from work, mother promptly goes up to him and says "I'm leaving you."
The father, bewildered, slowly asks "Why!?! What did I do??"
The mother turns to Jonny and says " tell daddy exactly what you told me today!"
"I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took each other's clothes off and laid down on the bed...just like what you and Uncle Joe did last summer."
Tue, 08 Jun 2010 11:47:00 +0000
A man suspected his wife seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective Chen Lee, to report any activities while was gone to work.
A few days later he received this report from the renowned detective:
Most honorable sir,
You leave house. I watch. He come to house. I watch. He & she leave house. I follow. He & she go in hotel. I climb tree. I look in window, she kiss he. He strip she, she strip he. He play with she, she play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I not see. No fee.
The Best ....Financial Planning
Fri, 04 Jun 2010 19:20:00 +0000
Dan was a single man living at home with his widowed father
and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune
when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife
with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the
most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty
took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but soon,
my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and
three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Sex with Older men
Fri, 04 Jun 2010 19:13:00 +0000
When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey, Oprah asked,' Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working and at your age I think that is remarkable.'
Mr. Burns said, 'I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it.'
Oprah said, 'I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age.'
George said, 'Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it.'
Oprah said, 'I have never been with an older man, would you do it with me?'
So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, 'I just don't believe I have never been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man.'
George said, 'The second time is even better than the first time."
Oprah said, 'You can really do it again at your age?'
George said, 'Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes.'
When she woke him up, they again had great sex, and Oprah was beside herself with joy.
She said, 'Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be better than the first time. At your age, Oh My, Oh My!!!'
George said that the third time would be even better. 'You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me in thirty minutes.'
Oprah said, 'Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?'
George said, 'No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she stole my wallet.'
Fri, 04 Jun 2010 19:06:00 +0000
Mr. Smith went to Colombo for official matter and called to his house over phone. Servant had taken the receiver.
Mr. Smith : Who is speaking?
Servant : Servant Sir.
Mr. Smith : Where is the Madam?
Servant: She is sleeping with her husband in bedroom.
Mr. Smith : What? I am her husband came to Colombo today.
Servant: What can I do now sir?
Mr. Smith : Open the cupboard, pick the Gun, shoot both of them, come back and tell me, till then I am waiting in the line.
(After some time ... there come 2 shooting sounds ... after that ...)
Servant: Yes, I did Sir. But what can I do next Sir?
Mr. Smith : Open the back door, throw both of them into the swimming pool
Servant: There is no swimming pool in our house Sir
Mr. Smith : What...? No swimming pool?
Servant: Yes Sir
Mr. Smith : Sorry, wrong number!!!!!! !!
A Chinese Man
Fri, 04 Jun 2010 19:02:00 +0000
A Chinese man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Taiwan on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out.
The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. One of the bank's employees then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Chinese man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business and this transaction worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Chinese man replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"