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Published: Wed, 13 Dec 2017 03:55:34 -0600


Kicker still the heart of the team for the Raiders

Thu, 18 Feb 2010 00:59:49 -0600

DALLAS - rumors have been flying that Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban wants his team to play games in Jerry Jones' new behemoth, Cowboys Stadium. 'Fuck Cowboys Stadium,' announced Cuban. 'I wish to move the Mavericks to the moon.' The young eccentric multimillionaire is awfully fond of making stunts, and sees the moon as the most important stunt of all. 'Sure playing in 'Jerryworld' or the 'Death Star' or whatever you wish to call it is great, but being the 1st team to play on the moon would be righteous.' architects asserted to build a stadium on the moon would take trillions of bucks, but would be'totally fucking awesome.'.

Raiders still trying to build team around kicker

Wed, 17 Feb 2010 17:40:31 -0600

OAKLAND - The Oakland Raiders are still trying to build the right team around their superstar kicker Sebastian Janikowski. The Raiders on tuesday made Janikowski the highest-paid kicker in the NFL, signing the wannabe independent agent to a four-year, $16-million contract. The proficient kicker provided one of the few highlights for the team last season after nailing a 61-yarder, the fourth longest field goal in history, in a loss against the Cleveland Browns. 'Most teams go for quarterbacks, screw 'em. We go for kickers,' said owner Al Davis when asserting the extension. 'We've got a pretty good punter. I invested in a good holder as well, and we may target some other top special teams players in the draft. That's how I roll.' Coach Tom wire was also pleased with Janikowski. 'He's the only one on the team that I don't need to punch in the face' says Cable. 'I'd like to build a team around players I don't have to punch in the face. If we are able to doing that going forward, it would be great for everyone.'.

NBC airing 2 straight weeks of people falling on different surfaces

Wed, 17 Feb 2010 16:04:47 -0600

VANCOUVER - for two weeks in Feb, NBC strays away from its standard television schedule to air nonstop coverage of people falling on different surfaces. Ice, snow, sleet, fake snow, you mention it. If someone falls on it, you can bet Bob Costas will be there to comment on it. 'It's kinda fun,' said one viewer. 'Like crashes in NASCAR but with more pizazz. And flicker, if you count the ice dancing falls. The thing I do not get is that the best falls don't always win the prizes. How can you've got an entire two weeks worth of programming with folk falling and they do not win the prize? Care to comment on that, Mr. Costas? Do you even know what the heck it is you're talking about when it comes to this sport? I think not.'.

I just watch it for the babes says guy who watches figure skating

Wed, 17 Feb 2010 00:13:46 -0600

VANCOUVER - Closet figure skating enthusiast Kent hiker scrambled to explain himself as drinking mates called him out at Kelly's pub Thursday. 'We were having one or two drinks, and figure skating was on in the background,' said walker's friend Jim Strickland. 'Kent wasn't paying attention to the hot Tanqueray girls who were handing out shots, he was just yelling at the television 'stick the axel!' or something, so we called him out.' walker attempted to elucidate. 'When a hot skater sticks an axel you usually get an awesome upskirt shot,' expounded walker. He continued to point out he just was a Katarina Witt fan because of her spread in Playboy, and he only had a Brian Boitano singed poster because it impressed girls in college. The guys didn't purchase it and now call him'Kent On Ice.'.

UCONN upsets Nova helped by Sharktopus

Tue, 16 Feb 2010 21:01:19 -0600

Penis enlargement pushed by spam skiers in the Olympics

Tue, 16 Feb 2010 19:02:52 -0600

VANCOUVER - Canadian-turned-Australian skier Dale Begg-Smith placed second behind Canada in the freestyle moguls Sun.. The self-made millionaire got rich on spamming and adware, used his time on the lectern to ask the world if they wanted to make their johnson bigger. 'Increase your pen!s size v!agra for cheap! Click now!' declared Begg-Smith. 'Lose weight all natural lose twenty lbs. In ten days!' he continued to the bunch while on countrywide television. 'Make $$$ from home google rich quick!' was the very last thing he got out before NBC eventually cut to curling qualifying. Begg-Smith not only won the silver but allegedly made $6.7 million greenbacks with his spam shout out.

Daytona 12-way orgy pileup includes Danica Patrick

Tue, 16 Feb 2010 07:09:06 -0600

DAYTONA - Danica Patrick made her NASCAR countrywide Series debut saturday at Daytona, but her racing day was cut short with a 12-way pileup, which was an intricate attempt at an orgy. Driver Josh smart started the accident in wants to have sex with the hot female racing star. 'I thought I'd get her in a wreck and then we'd all just go over and help her out of the automobile, and she'd be so thankful she'd perform oral on all of us.' said sensible. Colin Braun was the driver to break Patrick. 'I wanted firsties,' said Braun. 'I had no wish shoddy seconds, or super-sloppy twelfths.' Patrick said she would absolutely'bang and bump' her way to the top, but evidently she was talking about racing and wasn't making sexual innuendos. 'I'm not just going to have sex with drivers because they help me out of a wreck,' declared Patrick. 'They have to visit first.'.

Winter Olympics pre-empted for Hoodie-Footie Snuggie Suit infomercial

Tue, 16 Feb 2010 01:45:54 -0600

VANCOUVER - After scoring high television ratings for its opening ceremony, the actual 2010 Winter Olympic Games hockey coverage was quickly pre-empted for the new Hoodie-Footie Snuggie Suit infomercial. 'Hockey coverage is extremely expensive to produce,' declared NBC executive Dick Ebersol. 'And more people have an interest in a bit of shit gag gift commercial than hockey, so we went with the the Snuggie spot.' Ebersol announced NBC will resume Olympic broadcasting when ice dancing resumes. 'Women love them some ice dancing, although I don't believe that could be a real sport. But it'll get better ratings than the Shamwow! Commercial-I think.'.

Knicks shamed by Robinson tieing them for wins at dunk contest

Mon, 15 Feb 2010 22:34:39 -0600

DALLAS - Nate Robinson, the five ft 9 Manhattan Knicks guard, won his 3rd slam dunk championship at the 2010 NBA All Star Game in Dallas. Robinson's third win ties this season's Knicks' wins record. ' I went in there thinking that it'd be nice to win the same amount of slam dunk championships as my team has wins,' asserted Robinson. 'So I went for it and it felt great. I customarily take a couple of months off between winning stuff and since I haven't won anything since December when I won that scratch off ticket, this felt overwhelming. At this rate, I just can't wait to win something again in April, be it a Knicks game or Publisher's Clearing House. Whichever comes first.'.

potholes and female drivers added to NASCAR to simulate real driving

Mon, 15 Feb 2010 20:10:22 -0600

DAYTONA - In an effort to simulate real life driving conditions so that spectators can basically relate to NASCAR drivers, NASCAR added potholes and female drivers to the Dayton 500. 'Last year, to relate to the mundane driver, we added the old lady driver element by keeping Mark Martin around. This year, we looked at lots of things we could add : Mini-vans, train crossings, driving while asian... You name it,' claimed the NASCAR Fan Relations dept. 'We eventually settled on potholes and women drivers. Because both of those things cause accidents like you wouldn't believe. As I'm sure you all saw with Danica Patrick's Daytona 5 hundred accident. Then there was that pothole, I think we did make a touch too big, so we had to fill it in with kids' bikes and street hockey equipment. Spectators seemed to be ready to identify with that.'.