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Preview: Lola Constance Evelyn

Lola Constance Evelyn

Updated: 2018-03-06T02:45:46.752+11:00


Happy mum, Happy family


Finding happiness in this journey of parenthood has been an ongoing battle. I'm not sure when that battle began, it wasn't from the first moments of parenthood but maybe a while after that.
I really don't understand why or how it became a battle for me. Being a mum was truly the. only. thing. I really knew I wanted in my life from a very early age. And in all honestly it is the best thing that I have ever done. It doesn't make sense then that I have struggled to find inner peace and happiness, but I have.
Last winter was a truly awful time for me. Depression and anxiety hit me hard.

I found a way out of that, slowly, one step at a time and I resolved to actively take steps to ensure that doesn't happen again. I changed jobs, I signed up for a grueling endurance event to ensure I kept active, I took time out, every now and again for myself (and tried to not feel guilty about that), and, on the advice of a friend I started reading Sarah Napthali's book 'Buddhism for mothers'.

I am slowly working towards acceptance and peace. I'm not quite there, to be honest, but I feel better equipped to continue moving forward. Now is the time to really actively take steps to ensure I don't fall in a winter slump. It was Lola's 4th birthday on Sunday, we had a really lovely day and emotionally, I felt strong. However the days following, I have felt a little of the fog start to creep in. I've felt the temptation to cancel all of my plans and lock myself away for winter. I've lost my temper with the kids more than once.

It is a fine line between taking time out to restore and rejuvenate and isolating myself to wallow and allow unhealthy thoughts into my mind. I am forcing myself to not cancel social events, to continue to be active, to work on being a calm and happy mother, to set goals, make plans, be healthy!

Happy 4th Birthday Angel xx

Something wasn't right


I've shared so much on this blog about my pregnancies and births and grief and happiness.
But I haven't shared everything.
There are things I have been aware of all along. Memories, thoughts, feelings. I've known things but I haven't acknowledged them. They are truths that were, that are, too painful to consider.
I didn't connect with Lola in my pregnancy, the way I did with the others. It hurts to even write that.
But I think that maybe I knew, on some level, what the outcome would be/could be.
I remember in the early days some of the things I said and felt that indicated this. But on a conscious level I never acknowledged it.



I can't breath
My heart is beating crazy fast
I feel faint
Everything is black
What's wrong with me?
I'm going to die
Should I call for help?
I don't know what to do? I have noone to call.
I'm seeing stars
I remember someone I could probably call
I don't want to be a burden but I don't want to die.
I call
Then I am ok
and I realise I was having a panic attack
and I am sick of myself
I just want to be strong, and normal
I dont want to be a burden to my husband
my children
my family
my friends
and I hate myself for being exactly that.

Three triggers in 10 days. Unlucky?
Or a sign that I am not ok AGAIN.

Nowhere to turn. No time for a breakdown.
My pain. My heart. My head.
I am a messy mess.

Where to?

More counselling? More money down the drain that we JUST. CAN. NOT. AFFORD.
and for what.

Me to still not be ok.

No answers.

Just Drowning.

A week of sads


That is what has brought me back to my old, faithful blog.

It happens every now and again. A few things happen, within a short time, that take me back. I shed my tears, I frown, I wallow.

Grief doesn't go away. You just learn to live with it. Most of the time. But not always.

It's often so unexpected. We went away on the weekend with a big group of friends. It was great fun. And then someone told a joke, with a punchline that knocked the wind right out of me. In that way that post-traumatic stress disorder is triggered, by something small and unrelated and unnoticed by all others. The punchline was words that I have not heard since that terrible day 'nearly' four years ago. It wasn't the joke itself, or the person telling the joke, it was just a trigger that took me back and I fell back into grief.

Since then my week has been littered with incidents and reminders and negative talk in my head, anxiety over completely unrelated things. The more I try to lift myself up the harder it becomes to keep moving myself forward.

Just another glitch in my recovery.

You know that show?


On channel Ten? Offspring?

I love it.

And I hate it.

I think it must be written by someone who has lost a baby. The issue comes up regularly and the way it is dealt with is so true and compassionate. Tonight's episode was so close to home that it physically hurt. I sobbed hard. So hard I could hardly breath. But anyway it brought something up for me that I haven't spoken about before and I thought maybe I want to.

On the show the father of a baby born very prematurely had his family rally around him. His mum and dad and his sisters. They were so involved and it was their pain and their experience too. We had a load of family around us too. Some had immediately jumped on a plane from Perth as soon as they heard the news. However there was one glaring hole.

I have a brother. Our relationship, in adulthood, has been fractious. The day after Lola was born I received a text message from him that read 'sorry for your loss'. It made me so angry (the anger is building up in me again just writing this). Why did he write that? Why did he bother writing that? That meant nothing to me. He didn't use her name. It wasn't just a loss, her name is Lola and she is his neice. It's not just my loss, it is my pain and your pain too, she is a part of our family, you are related to her. Did you cry about losing a baby neice? Did you actually care that your sister was in the most pain a human being can ever feel. Your words, in a text message, had no meaning, they felt cold and uncaring and probably hurt me more than if you'd done nothing at all. At least if you'd said nothing I could imagine that she, Lola, meant something to you.

*It's true what they say. The pain never goes away, you just learn to live with it. It still surprises me, the verocity of grief after three years. We shared our story yesterday for a television interview in order to promote the organisation Hearfelt and it was more difficult than I imagined. However we talked about whether we could do it again. The answer is a resounding YES. Despite it being hard, it brought us incredible satisfaction and peace to think that our pain and Lola's short time on earth could be used to help others and well, do good. The story was for the ABC's 730. It won't be aired for a few weeks though.

Hopeless and lost


I am finding it hard to bounce back from Lola's third birthday. I am falling into desperation. I feel manic at times. Forced happiness that feels like craziness. Overwhelming anger over nothing much. Hopelessness at how to pull myself back.
I sense Brendon is struggling too. We're like zombies, just getting through, side by side but separate.
I want change, I need change. I feel burnt out from my job. It is hard to give what I need to give to the people I work with when I feel like this, especially when the pressure continues to increase. It is too much.
I could ask for help, I know. But I don't know what that help looks like.
Everything that was great and exciting a few months ago feels grey now and too hard.



We don't know for sure, but we think this day, three years ago, is the day Lola died. Tomorrow will mark three years since we found out that she had passed away and Saturday would have been her third birthday.

I have had it in my head for months that I would take today and tomorrow off work to give myself some space to grieve, be sad, cry or whatever I needed to do. As this week approached I tried to keep my diary as clear as possible. My job is such that it can be hard to say no sometimes though. Our clients are vulnerable and depend on us to be there for them. So I said yes to a meeting this morning despite what I knew.

I started crying last night and have been teary since. I cried all the way to work. I cried the moment I walked into my office and saw my friend. I stopped crying for the meeting and held myself together for the entire time, but I started crying the moment I was out of the meeting. I cried the whole way home.

I feel pain in my chest and I can't breath. My muscles all over my body are fatigued. My head is pounding and I can't think. I can't see. My heart hurts so bad.

It stills feels unjust, unfair. Why me, why us, why Lola.

Three years is forever, and like it was yesterday.

I am right where I need to be. At home on my couch under a doona.

7 - 11


"Millie where is Lola?"

"She's in 7-11 up in the clouds"

I think Millie and Lola have been talking!



I propose a difficult week ahead. (as strange as that may sound, I do mean propose)
I wont be putting on a brave face.
I wont be pushing down my sadness.
I wont be disguising my feelings.
I wont be hiding in the bathroom to cry.
I wont pretend her birthday is a celebration.
This week I am doing what feels right.
I will be having days off,
moments to myself.
I will mention her name and bear my scars.

Every year, so far, I have not quite known how to mark the passing of another year. I have been torn between a celebration or a mourning. Either feels not quite right. I put pressure on myself to come up with a significant tradition or something to make the world remember. This year I will take each moment as it comes. No planning, no pressure, just one moment at a time.

Autumn - Lola


I struggle through these days.

I have a pain in my chest, my head aches, I am emotional without any warning, my limbs feel heavy and smiling feels wrong.

April and May are when it hurts the most.

Memories and missing come to the fore and now

I need to try and put on a brave face.

It is harder to understand three years on, for the outside world.

The inside world, the pain is still raw and here.

Those words come back to haunt me, the words that were set on repeat in those early days -

"I just want to die, I just want to die". It is not so scary hearing that echo anymore because I know why I hear it. In a strange way it is a soothing chant. I know I wont actually die. I know I dont actually want to die, yet those words swim around my head. I know it will stop when this time passes.

My children are a little confused but accepting of my tears. My chest tightened, I gasped for breath and tears poured while reading to them in bed. My son took the book out of my hands and took over the reading aloud, my daughter snuggled in and offered to rub my belly.

They are wise and I am grateful.

An afternoon with butterflies


In a bid to have myself "surf able" next summer I have been pushing my body to new limits. I haven't felt really strong, in body, since I had my first baby and this year that must change. As such I made my way to the Kokada trail (out my way) with the intention of doing the 1000 steps, a really tough walk up a mountain which, funnily enough, includes 1000 steps.

However once I arrived I was not so sure. The place was jam packed with people, I struggled to find a car park. I knew this meant the steps would be busy and they are narrow. I also knew it was going to be a struggle for me to get to the top (I did the steps once late last year) and I felt embarrassed that so many would be witness to my struggle. I forced myself out of my car and checked out the map. There are five walks in this area and from what I could see the 1000 steps wasn't necessarily the toughest. About a few hundred metres to the left of the 1000 steps is a track that goes straight up the mountain. It is a steeper and longer walk but there are no steps. I decided to do it.

Within about 5 minutes I realised how hard it was going to be. I was already struggling but I had to keep going. As I was walking up I noticed a butterfly here and there which made me happy, as butterflies always do.

This walk was much quieter. I saw hardly anyone especially when I took a fork in the road that talk me the long way around, back down to my car. The first downward stretch I came to,I started to run, and got a piercing pain deep within my abdomen. At this point I felt hopeless. I wasn't doing the 1000 steps as per my intentions, I was in struggle town on the walk I was doing and I was in the middle of nowhere with noone around. I looked around me and again noticed the butterflies. So I kept walking.

Everytime I looked around there was ALWAYS a butterfly flying next to me.
It seemed like it was one butterfly next to me the whole time. It was completely overwhelming, so much so that at one point I burst in to tears. I felt pain and happiness at the same time. I needed to do this, I needed to believe in myself and I needed to continue working at getting strong. This was clear in my mind.

I feel a bit silly telling this story now, a few hours later. Maybe they were just butterflies and had nothing to do with Lola. All I do know is that at the time, up there alone on the mountain, there was no doubt in my mind that Lola was with me.




Reading - Twilight (I know, embarrassing right. I call it research)

Watching - New Girl (Zooey is my favourite actress)

Listening - Lana Del Rey (controversial I know)

Training - for our upcoming surfing adventure (you need to be strong to surf, well certainly stronger than I)

Planning - A big night out for my birthday (ok maybe not that big, I can not party like I used to)

Excited - about my 5 day weekend

Sad - That I will not be sharing a single one of those days of with my love

Reminiscing - about our sunny summer days swimming and lounging and socialising

Procrastinating - instead of preparing for tomorrow

Dreading - Winter

Freaking out - about the creepy sounds coming from the walls of our house

Amused - by that cute photo up there. It has absolutely no relevance to this post.

Bittersweet - Autumn, the season of Lola.


Itchy feet


I want out!!!!!

I want to live where there is lots of sunshine and warmth. Lots of warmth.

With that will come less sickness (right?)

Less work, more surfing.

I dont ask for much.

My top parenting tip


If your child sleeps through the night,


talk about it or celebrate it out loud.

If your child gets even the smallest inkling that sleeping through was AWESOME for you.

They will never do it again.

I know this, I have made this mistake (more than once) and my child has never slept through the night more than once.

That is all (for now)

The old and the new


The old -

2011 was alot about finding me again. I got the job I have been hankering for the last few years which saw me out of the home four days a week. This meant that the home maker/house parent role was shared much more evenly between Bren and I.
This in itself was bittersweet.
I love my job and confidence in myself grew at a great rate. However being a mother that works outside the home, as well as in the home, is a constant tug of war between being the best mother I can be and trying to maintain a high standard and regard in the workplace. The industry in which I work has a culture of putting work first, working whatever hours you need to get the job done and beyond, and there are very vulnerable lives affected by the work we do so the stakes are high. As a people pleaser and perfectioist I have struggled a lot with the idea that I would be letting people down or dissappointing them by choosing my family needs over work when that choice has arisen, or vice versa. It is a tough gig.

Juggling family and my career has been the big focus of 2011, it was no longer about finding our way through grief, surviving the loss of Lola. I guess it is true that life goes on. There is sadness in this idea though. I hate that Lola is so much less of a focus in ours and others lives. It's not that I want to live in sadness but rather that I want my daughter to matter. She is part of our every day in our little family. Her name is spoken literally every day. My children are growing up feeling her prescence and we are happy about that. But it isn't something that others ever talk to us about anymore and I find less and less reason to say her name outside our family. I accept this though even though I feel a bit sad about it.

The new

I want to find a way to bring in an income in a family friendly way. I want to work but I dont want to feel guilty about putting my own kids needs first. I'm not quite sure yet how this will happen, if I need to address this within my current role or if I need a career change or if we change things within our own family.
This year will be our last before Millie starts school. I hope to soak up every little bit of her this year before she goes off to school next year. (sniff, sniff)
We are rebuilding our lives bit by bit and I feel like we are in a moving forward stage. My thinking sometimes becomes catastrophic and I find myself holding my breath anticipating something terrible happening but I am trying to be more self aware and rational and can talk myself out of those thoughts.

I have high hopes of 2012 being a great year for us. I am pinning my hopes on getting more sleep, lord knows it is about time.

Happy New Year to you, my friend!



2nd day of my holidays
Last day of prep (waaaa)
Three days until Christmas
Last day of kinder
Last day of crèche
One month of holidays!!!!!!
Sunshine, beach, family, sleep ins, lazy lunches, presents, drinks, late nights, play dates, parties.

Everything is coming up roses

My Millie girl




This weekends to do list


Wake up slowly, drink coffee, read the paper, let the kids choose our baking project, put the kids in charge of grocery shopping for said baking project, take a slow walk to the supermarket, enjoy the storms, watch a christmas movie, cover my baby in kisses, dance with my girls and boy, pash my husband, write christmas cards, wrap presents, eat watermelon, attend carols by candle light, snuggle under a rug, stay up late, get up early, hang the washing on the clothes line, dont answer my phone, dont check my emails, keep an eye out for santa, colour in, build with lego, forget work, plan summer holiday activities, have a water fight, got to bed early.

Disco Dayze part 2


Where was I?

Bren - is looking super hot at the moment. He has been working like a machine to get healthy and fit. When the man decides to do something, he bloody well does it. Seriously, his sudden commitment to this has been spectacular to watch. He is working really hard at home and work. Bren seems to have an issue with sitting still, he can't do it. He is always fixing something or making something or rewiring something or tidying something. It really does drive me up the wall, bonkers! Just sit for a bit man. The thing I love most about Bren is that he is one of the kindest men I know. He will do anything for you and people just feel 'at home', instantly, with him. You know those people who as soon as you meet them you feel like you have known them forever? That's my man. And did I mention he got my initial tattoo'd on his arm too? OK, so not JUST my initial, all of our initials down his forearm - KJMLL. How sweet is that! I love him dearly for the wonderful man that he is.

Me - I have been trying to take better care of myself too and technically I should be feeling healthy and energetic but considering the care I have been taking, I dont feel that good physically. Three pregnancies in three years has really taken it's toll on my body. Over a year since I was last pregnant I am still feeling the effects of it and don't feel like my body has fully recovered. I am determined to regain my strength though and I am willing to take my time in doing so.
I love my job, it brings me a lot of satisfaction, and helps us pay the bills. I have to admit though that my favourite daydream fantasy is to quit working, take Lucy out of creche and take care of my family full time. However if I have to work then this is the job I want to be doing.

We have had a lot of good times over the last few months. Admittedly we still have sad days or moments. Just last week actually I had a day that just kept coming up 'Lola'. These days are a lot easier to cope with now though. Lola is a part of our every day life now too. It was hard to imagine that would be possible two years down the track, in the early days. But she really is. The kids mention her all the time. I've heard Jackson's friends at school mention her because he must talk about her to them. Millie has been asking lots of questions about her and trying to work it all out. Whenever someing unexplainable happens one of us will always mention that 'it was Lola' or 'Lola is visiting' or sometimes we just feel her close.

P.s. The disco was so cute tonight. Not a lot of dancing so much running around playing chasey. He did bust a move every now and then though. *melt*

Disco Dayze part 1


We've been pretty awesome really, you know, considering.

Lucy is hilarious and gorgeous and damn hard work at the moment. When she is in good form she has us in stitches. When she is not in good form she is more than a handful. I have never experienced a baby with as much attitude as our littlest. But she has us wrapped around her little finger and noone is more smitten than Jackson. He is crushed if she ever denies him a kiss or cuddle. Millie doesn't even have to work for it though, Lucy gives them to her on the smallest of whims.

Millie is adorable a hundred times over. She got glasses a few months ago. Since then her persona seems to have changed a little. She seems like less of a cheeky monkey and more of a cuddly, little sweetheart. Her smile lights up her entire face and brightens all around her. It is completely infectious and almost permanently on tap. Last night as Bren and I cooked the BBQ, Millie suddenly let out a blood curdling, terrifying scream that didn't end. Jackson came running out to us sceaming that there was something on Millie and I came running. I envisioned a huntsman crawling up her leg as only something that large and scary looking could warrant a scream like that. But no, I examined Millie's leg as she sat quivering on the couch, white as a ghost, and saw only the tinyest speck of a black dot. It was moving so it was a bug but it was so tiny that I couldn't even make out any legs. Millie in a nutshell - sweet, loving, affectionate, girly to the core and terrified of bugs!

Jackson has come such a long way this year. School has been the making of him. He has lost so much of the little anxieties that plagued him last year. He is confident, popular, clever, super handsome and much to my delight has retained so much of his little boy innocence despite now being in primary school. He sleeps on the bottom bunk some nights especially so he can snuggle up with us when we put him to bed. He'll swing a leg up onto mine, put his little arms around my neck and push his nose up against mine. My heart melts a hundred times over. He is so very sensitive to peoples feelings and is very conscious of doing the right thing. He is a wonderful big brother. Jackson and his friends always take care of Millie when she is around for any of their adventures and as I mentioned earlier, he is a sucker for his baby sister, whatever Lucy wants, she gets. Tomorrow is tipped to be one of the highlights of motherhood - I get to chaperone at Jackson's first school disco. I could almost wee my pants I am that excited!

Part 2- mine and Brendon's updates coming soon.



After thinking, contemplating, planning, chicken-ing out and finally settling for two years we got our Lola ink. I love them so much. The permanency is the best bit. Lola's name will forever be a part of my body. Lola's birthdate is permanently inscribed on Brendon's arm. Always a part of us.

Open for Business (again)


Phew, things were a bit crazy for a while there. Starting my new job and juggling all the other demands of being a mum to three little one's was a tad tricky and the blog was just one more thing making me feel guilty due to being terribly neglected. I just switched it offline for a while, not really sure if I would return or not but I continued writing posts in my head which was sending me a bit batty. So here I am, back on the airwaves, ready to have another go!

What would have been ..


Second birthday's are a little more low key in our family.

We usually do something together as a family or just have a family dinner and cake or something like that.

For Lola's second birthday I imagine (all the time) we would have gone to the zoo this weekend or maybe had the family around on thursday night for a rainbow cake.

I imagine her with dark curly hair (like her Daddy), she probably would have been quite mischievous. Milllie and Lola would love being together and playing babies I am sure. I would have bought her a gorgeous party dress and a dolls house.

Instead I will probably cry and feel sad and want to visit the Chapel where her funeral was held in an attempt to feel closer to her.

Word Mash by Jackson



Jackson has been practising his writing by writing random words on a piece of paper. I thought it was a little insight into the mind of a 5 year old! Enjoy xx