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Lost White Kenyan Chick



"An extremely voluble woman who engages in soliloquies not conversations!" - in other words - "Thoughts of a blithering idiot!"



Updated: 2017-05-12T16:07:17.824+03:00

 



Christmas Cake Recipe

2011-12-25T11:52:21.856+03:00

- for those of you who can't remember last year's cake recipe.Ingredients:* 2 cups flour* 1 stick butter* 1 cup of water* 1 tsp baking soda* 1 cup of sugar* 1 tsp salt* 1 cup of brown sugar* Lemon juice* 4 large eggs* Nuts* 2 bottle wine* 2 cups of dried fruitSample the wine to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the wine again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the wine is still OK. Try another cup... Just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner.. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.Sample the wine to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the wine. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or some fink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the wine and wipe counter with the cat.Take a taxi to Nakumatt and buy cake.Bingle Jells[...]



The Art of Matatu Driving – Part I

2009-09-21T21:24:31.110+03:00

For all those aspiring learner drivers out there desperately wishing to gain their fortune driving a Mathree, i thought i should publish you a series of tips on how to make it in the driving world if you want to be taken seriously.Stage ONE: As soon as you have taken possession of said vehicle;a) Disable the speed governor – it is only installed in order to get the mat through inspection and is quite an unnecessary feature on your vehicle now;b) Disconnect the brake lights – you don’t want anyone behind you knowing you’re going to stop for goodness sake, that would take all the fun out of it for those drivers following you on the road;c) Remove one half of all of the seat belts – preferably the side where they should buckle in as the passengers can just drape the one side on their laps for effect and taking out the other side means less weight in the vehicle, and also for those who don’t actually have a seat, it means sharing lap straps with the neighbour is much easier, which of course is essential if you’re going to get those extra peeps in.d) Have MOLOLINE painted on the front of your vehicle so that the traffic cops let you through without blinking, but do make sure you’re travelling at least at 110kph as you approach any police check or they’ll realise you’ve faked the signStage TWO: Get it on the road;a) Put enough fuel to get you to the stage from which you want to start your pick up service – preferably right outside your parking spot so no fuel is needed, and then save the rest of any spare cash you have on you to pay to the mungiki at the terminus to help you through living to the next day.b) As soon as you can persuade some passengers to get in – usually nicely done with a lot of noise and a small bit of threatening about how you know where they live and you have “friends”should do it – collect some cash and then send one of the prospective peeps down to the nearest petrol station to get yourself a kasmall kibuyu of fuel to get you out of the stage and onto the main road. When you run out of fuel in the middle of the highway it seems people are so much more co-operative about shelling out their cash for fuel in a hurry.Stage THREE; Now you’re moving, these are critical manoeuvres that should be followed at ALL times;a) Remember never to pull over to pick up passengers, and do NOT use designated bus stops at any time – these are for buses! If you see someone standing on the side of the road, flash your lights, beep the horn and then stop dead in the middle of the road and shout for them to get in.b) If you see more people 50 metres up the road, don’t stress, floor it and then jam the brakes on 50 metres up the road to make sure you pick them up to.c) Continue this procedure every 50 metres or so until the mat is jam packed. All seats must be full, floor space taken and at least 3 people should be hanging out the door before you should even think about heading towards wherever these suckers want to go. You’ll have them so tightly jammed in now that they won’t have a choice but to stay with you now!d) Always remember to indicate to the right if pulling over left or if seeing hot chick on right that you need to then stop and harass.Finally do some serious protesting to get this new chap out and our man Hussein Ali back in so Michuki rules stay out![...]



Why the dukawallah is smarter than you - by Ted Malanda

2009-09-16T08:27:29.041+03:00

Superb article sent through to me this morning that was published in the Standard the other day, and i couldn't have all you good people to miss out on so i have had reposted it here.I'm not sure if that's the politically correct thing to do reposting others commentary but it is excellent - and as a matter of fact - probably a very un PC article in itself!Here's the link, and below is the article ...................................................................................................................In the unlikely event that the British decided to rebuild the Kenya-Uganda railway, rest assured that the man-eaters of Tsavo, if they still exist, would not be carting away Indian coolies into the boondocks for snacks and dinner.There would be no Indian coolies in the first place. Instead, the whole railway line would be bustling with youthful — and not so youthful — indigenous Kenyans under the Kazi kwa Vijana initiative. Yet just over 100 years ago, the locals wouldn’t be caught dead doing such ‘menial’ work, to the extent that the railway line’s entire labour force had to be shipped in from India. But if it was massive muscle drain for India, then, rounding up the descendants of those coolies today and throwing them out Idi Amin style would result in brain drain so severe that the national economy would be clobbered to its knees. How did they manage this transformation from sweaty labourers to captains of industry when locals are still doing what they were doing then — hunting squirrels, pretending to raise maize on barren land and engaging in tribal warfare every five years? Strength to strengthEqually, the Brits who were lording it over everyone have virtually scattered. Grogan is gone; Egerton’s castle is in ruins while Lord Delamere now hawks mandazi and milk on the roadside in Naivasha. But the Kenyan Indian just seems to grow from strength to strength.I could hazard two reasons for this: One, the Indian doesn’t give a hoot about land. All he needs is a roof over his head and a place to sell his wares. Wazungu, on the other hand, will lease thousands of hectares of desert land and then pretend to make money out of it from tourists. How the hell do you do that when crooks are turning all the trees upstream into charcoal?Africans, on the other hand, will steal and kill each other for land. But after that, they do absolutely nothing with it apart from walking around admiring farm boundaries and selecting burial spots.The second reason is that the average Indian is more tenacious than a donkey. Note: A millionaire dukawallah will own the same pair of shoes for years unlike a local man who changes wives with his first bank loan. It’s not easy minting money from a duka, either, as the many locals who sink their retirement benefits into roadside shops can testify. But I admire Indians most for their marriage customs. They are just brilliant, these Indian men. How did they connive to have women pay them dowry and still manage to sit on them? Aging mothersIn fact, as soon as they have eaten the dowry that the bride brought, they install her in the family home so that she can take care of their aging mothers as well. Would you believe it! And to seal the deal, they cover those women from head to toe making it virtually impossible for wife snatchers to salivate. Have you ever seen an Indian woman’s underwear? Now contrast that with African women who seem hell bent on baring it all to the nearest passerby. My ancestors thought they were smart yet all they cared about were useless gizzard rights. Why couldn’t they think up a scam like this? Here we pay dowry through the nose yet if one’s mother visits for two weeks, the wife issues an ultimatum: "Either that old hag goes or I’m out." Life is, indeed, a circus![...]



Monday !

2009-09-14T08:48:18.245+03:00

(image)



I so thought that chick was hiding something ..

2009-09-11T10:35:06.877+03:00

(image)
It turns out that you cannot trip up our star Kenyan athlete without having serious balls ...........

Caster Semenya in hiding after tests reveal she has 'internal testes'

Goodness girlfriend, turns out the lippy and nail varnish really didn't work - Pole :(



We will not let Caster Semenya go quietly

2009-09-09T21:20:25.890+03:00

For Kenyans, we actually have a BIG problem with this issue of Semenya.
Forget the fact that she's a little butch and has a seriously deep voice.......

She dared to stand on the head of one of our own !!!!!!!!!!!!

(image) You know, you need to understand one fundamental thing about the Kenyan people. We may be continuously trampled upon by our own government and a bunch of crooks who call themselves 'politicians' daily, but we will, under no circumstances, allow a foreigner to think they can just trip us up and walk over us into a winning position, because i can tell you one thing for nothing - We will NOT accept.

So ''Miss'' Semenya, you may get yourself a girly makeover and be on some campaign to prove to the world that you're a girl, (as word has it that ''apparently, wearing sequins and painting one's nails are proof one is, indeed, truly female), but just know ONE thing. - We couldn't actually care less which side you are batting for, we just know that if you hadn't tripped up our own Janet Jepkoskei - testosterone or no testosterone she would have kicked your butt baby!

Jepkoskei may have shaken herself off and come back for the final - because that's what it is to be Kenyan - (we do the shaking off and coming back to perfection on a daily basis) - but the poor girl wasn't given a chance to become any place but second as she had to spend her whole race watching out for those large Semenya thighs heading her way for a tripping rerun!

P.S. Please honestly tell me if you believe this is anything but a bloke dressed up in female clothing and a bad weave!

(image) (image)



GADGETS

2009-08-21T11:36:57.825+03:00

FM08 - CAR FM TRANSMITTER WITH REMOTE CONTROL USB Controller interface to read any USB flash Memory Card Controller to read any SD/MMC Built-in digital FM transmitter module to broadcast MP3/WMA/WAV music format files Support Stereo Series (Stereo Cable to connect Audio CD Walkman, MP3, MP4 or iPOD) 16bit Large multilayer screen to display track and all other information High Volume level Built-in EQ for perfect digital sound output. A must for all Music Lovers! Please call or email: ELECTRO DOMESTICO LTD This ad slipped into my inbox this morning. For a start i do not understand what on earth they are selling here as i am a little behind in my geek language and seem to be struggling with SD/MMCs, WMA/WAV and EQs so don't know what the hell they are talking about and my big issue with this little gadget is actually ......... HOW THE HELL DO I LIGHT MY CIGARETTES ?? [...]



Ssshhh ........... it's me - slipped in under the radar !!

2009-04-20T10:03:52.073+03:00

Slipped out for a while - defected to Wordpress - didn't much like it there ....... probably not enough critics - so thought I'd shoot back in here under the radar and hang out here again via Twitter.

Karibu tena chaps .......



    follow me on Twitter




    Yoooo Hoooooo .......

    2008-08-08T15:37:09.981+03:00

    I'm over here ........


    http://lostkenyanchick.wordpress.com/



    ..... catch me if you can




    (embed)
    Skiing Ostrich - Awesome video clips here



    Time for change .......

    2009-09-16T08:03:43.940+03:00

    - and let's just hope that this is "Change you can Believe In".I have been such a slacker recently when it comes to writing my blog and it's not really because I've got nothing to say. There has hardly been a time in my life really when I haven't had much to say - except probably when I've been put under general anaesthetic - but god help you if you're the one standing by my bedside when I come round as it has this fantastic effect on me that sends my mouth into overdrive (with jolly colourful words mostly), and I become momentarily insane (even more than the usual can you believe), and I start punching everyone around me! ..... Don't say you haven't been warned now!But it's OK peeps, relax there. You can come out from behind your computer screens as although it may seem that I have been put under anaesthetic as the rambling has been temporarily halted, actually i am, and have been, fully conscious throughout and it's actually .......... BLOGGER.COM's fault, so HA ! (I so like passing the buck, I mean it couldn't possibly be that I'm just a lazy git and really can't be arsed to think of what to say, or to press the 'blogspot' button more than once because it doesn't go through the first time and I have the patience of a flea!)I don't know about you lot out there but I am actually having a serious problem getting onto most of the 'blogger.com' sites. It keeps booting me out with a blank page and a cute little comment in the corner that says "done" - although what it thinks it has done is quite beyond me as all I get is a perfectly blank screen!! Yet all those blogs who go through different portals such as wordpress or tumblr don't seem to have a problem at all. So, think I might just look into the pros and cons of defection to 'the other side'!And by the way, it's not the only thing I'm defecting from.I have "officially" - letter and all - defected from my job.* Gasp *It's all been a bit of a shock to the staff and myself actually. I'm not sure that I was fully intent on leaving at the moment but things have been a little tricky around here recently and it seems that if one gets smacked round the chops enough times, your enthusiasm for what you are doing finally wanes funnily enough.So that's me, that's where I am at.I've always been good at 'legging it' and I was kind of overdue for some major change, so have decided to move on to pastures greener, and will take my blog with me too!So it's Adieu for now Peeps, and we'll see you on the other side.- That is of course when I can work out where the 'other side' might be.I'll keep you posted - *gosh, how droll of me *Just a couple of little tidbits to keep you going whilst I go about transferring my life to the next door field;"DEPUTY PM MUSALIA MUDAVADI FIRES 64 COUNCILLORS WHO WERE GAZETTED BY HIS COUNTERPART UHURU KENYATTA" - NTV News, Wednesday 6th August 9pm"LOCAL GOVERNMENT MINISTER MUSALIA MUDAVADI SUED FOR CONTEMPT FOR NAMING NEW NOMINATED COUNCILLORS IN BREACH OF AN APRIL 29 COURT ORDER" - NTV News, Thursday 7th August 12.30pmMmmmm - I'd have said that was probably "Deuce"!... and I couldn't let this little advert slip past you that I found in the Nairobi Star this morning;So you can go through the rest of your day happy now gentleman.Catch you later!Love you Lots,MWAH.[...]



    Just arrived in my inbox ........

    2008-08-01T11:50:52.056+03:00

    From john charles I am writing to seek your partnership in the investment of my inheritance fund USD $6.5M from my late father who died mysteriously on 12 july 2006. I will like to further introduce myself to you. My name is Mr john charles, I am a 20 years old boy, the only child and son of my late parents Mr and Mrs Toure charles. It was very evident that he was poisoned to death. I lost my mother when I was barely a year old and my father refused to re-marry another wife because he felt solely responsible for my mother's death. This is so because he concentrated much on his businesses that he rarely pays attention to domestic affairs. He was always travelling taking care of his businesses that he did not notice when my mother took ill. He thought it was a minor illness and was ignorant of this. My mother on her own resorted to self-medication. It was not until the illness degenerated that my father took my mother to hospital where she was diagnosed to find out that hypatitis had eaten deep into her blood stream. She didn't last long before she died. This happened when I was barely a year old. Based on this, my father could not forgive himself easily because of it and said he was responsible for her death as he could have saved her if only he had paid attention to the things at home rather than concentrating much on his businesses.Despite all entreaties by friends and relatives, he refused to remarry but ensured that I had everything that I wanted. It was as a result of this that he made me the next of kin to his fund deposit with the bank here in my country, I should have a direct access to the fund,only when I am 28 years of age otherwise, I should have a guardian/partner intercede on my behalf for the release of the fund to me. Unfortunately, he died on 12 july 2006 and I am 20 years of age currently. This is why I have contacted you to serve as a guardian to me and as my foreign partner for the investment of my inheritance fund overseas My uncles does not know about the funds because they had already taken my father's houses and other properties and they are looking for a way to kill me. They have requested to have my father's file where all the documents that proof the existence of my inheritance fund in the bank where kept but I simply told them that I do not know where he kept them. Talk to you the more.John charlesThere you go - word for word, the usual junk that I receive daily - (such the popular chick that I am). Todays seems to have a little more imagination than most that come through so thought I should share this one with you all.And what do you think of it for a bit of scandal so early in the morning??I'm thinking perhaps this chap should get a part in a James Bond movie - sounds like the perfect plot don't you think, and for me to be picked out as his guardian and get a share in all this - "Gosh, how honored am I?" ......... Er .......In fact anyone keen on helping the chap out could probably get in touch with him direct. Think his return email was;pleasecaniripyouoff@whatasucker.comWhat I still don't get though is how do these weirdos get hold of my email address, and also why haven't Kenyans thought up something similar ? We're usually excellent at finding the most ingenious ways to rip people off and yet these scams seem to be all coming from foreign web worlds ?Or perhaps it's just that my email address has got it's little self into the wrong hemisphere and I am missing out on the emails that are asking for donations for Obama's granny to go on a small round the world cruise on her way to his inauguration ceremony as the President of the US of the A's??Perhaps I shall start my own .......I mean, did you not know I was the illegitimate daughter of our (EX) Finance Minister Mr Kimunya's, childhood sweetheart, and t[...]



    True ............. or False ??

    2008-07-30T16:25:49.728+03:00

    First, a question ??How many emails would you say on average you receive in a day that are total crap - and by 'crap' I do mean the ones from 'unknown' senders or those with spectacular names such as godimfullacrap@yabloodyhoo.com and such like ?? (Not those ones that we receive from the boss that really should be filed under the same heading - but sadly you have to actually carry out their wishes first - that is of course if you want to get paid, and seeing as today is the 30th July - best do whatever he says today for tomorrow your paycheck may go missing!)Anyway as for the random 'crap' messages that you get. Let's take the average week's company email. We start with at least 3 a day 'wishing to be friends' - not that some of them can even spell the word however but still, it seems they have been waiting for this moment all their lives and your email conveniently appeared (as a vision no doubt), and now this is 'karma' that you must now become live long buddies......... Yea, right.If you're lucky (as I am at least 5 times a week let me tell you - it's OK, you can leave the fan mail / god I'm jealous mail in the comment box once I've finished posting this), .... where was I? .. Oh yes, now if you're lucky not only will these smashing people wish to be friends but lots of them will want to send hundreds of thousands of dollars to your bank account as they've nicked it from somewhere (perfectly above board you understand), and now wish to give half of it to you for just being their new 'friend' and conveniently giving out your entire life history so they can in turn rip you off!!Then of course, there's always a ton of those emails with smashing offers such as; offering generous libido enhancing drugs; enlarge your penis in 10 minutes; and loose 35kg of your body mass in one breath!And then finally when you sift out all that crap (and the bosses email of course - star that one just in case you delete it by mistake whilst you're too busy catching up with your mates on Facebook), then we are left with my favourite ones, and that is all the scandals, hoaxes and jokes that come through on a daily basis.Those are the only ones worth reading - they show how much time half this world has on their hands. Like the one I received yesterday on Jamie Oliver's *new* cookbook - that is of course, er, NOT ! But it's fun reading don't you think? And don't joke, it has 120 odd pages - all with lovely piccies of the delicious meals you may poison yourselves with. I mean, who has the time to write all that??Mshairi left a comment on that post directing us to a website where you can go and check out the real vs. the unreal. It's called snopes and is really quite enlightening! It is also though, in some ways, incredibly disappointing. I so wanted that mobile phones cooking the popcorn and boiling an egg thing to be true. I carry two mobiles around with me at all times just in case I get stuck somewhere in the middle of nowhere with no power and a raw egg, and now it looks like I shall have to think again on my 'survival pack' as apparently *in the real world* 100 mobile phones sitting on top of an egg for one hour didn't even warm the damn thing up!But at least now I am full of crap myself and can do lots of "Did you know .....?"I have useful information on board now such as;Coca Cola did not invent Santa Claus, (can you bloody believe it!)Coca Cola is not an effective spermicide, (so stop chucking all that fizz about!) BUT, BUT, BUT,Coca Cola DID once contain cocaine and did not become completely cocaine free until 1929. (Can I say that explains a lot as to why my Granny was such a diva until the age of 89! She had a good 30 years of drinking that stuff !!)Anyway this all got me thinking that I should set up my own "true or false" s[...]



    Sshhhhh .... keep this under your hat!

    2008-07-28T20:22:43.844+03:00

    Thing is *whispering* I just got an email through with the entire text of Jamie Oliver's new cookbook. Rumour has it (and don't we Kenyans just lurve a bit of a rumour *He He*), that some chap in the publishing house emailed a copy to one of his mates and some smart arse hacked into his emails and sent said text around the web !

    See this ......(image)

    I shall NOT be telling you where I got this little bit of golden information from - as that will of course mean I shall have to kill you all, and that would just be far too messy and I've got a bit of a full schedule on this week, so instead I shall just make you all slightly jealous with words such as;

    CHOCOLATE
    TARTS
    MOUSSE
    SESAME SNAPS
    FRAGRANT CHICKEN
    SALMON FILLET
    ASIAN MARMALADE
    SEARED ENCRUSTED CARPACCIO
    STUFFED BABY BELL CHILE PEPPERS

    and even a ...

    HOT AND FRAGRANT RUB - although I think you might have to actually buy the book to get the full effect of that one though!!



    We have a solution .... CLOSE THE SCHOOLS

    2008-07-26T08:45:22.596+03:00

    Well things are now quiet on the Secondary School front, and how was that achieved? Well, the same way they solve every education crisis round these parts – CLOSE THEM DOWN INDEFINITELY! (They love that word ‘indefinitely’ – it just means they can all have a jolly nice long holiday and will reopen if and when they ever feel like it!)


    (image)


    This is favourite sport over here. If we can’t control it, then just shut the doors and hope the problem just ....er, well, goes away actually!

    They do it with the Universities all the time, and now its the Secondary Schools. Not surprising the level of education in this country is so low. How on earth are you supposed to learn anything when you’ve got people in charge like the good old Prof Wangeri full of useful ideas that get us nowhere?

    Anyway, enough of them, because we’ve decided that actually all they need is just need a jolly good beating and then they’ll be well behaved and disciplined and all the problems that those naughty school children have will just miraculously disappear in a puff of smoke. - I’m sure that education minister thinks he’s some kind of fairy godmother and he’ll wave his wand, conveniently made of cane, and ...... *Poof* ...... everyone will get an ‘A’! .... Oooh, perhaps that’ll be a B. Oh, oh, gosh, sorry, think you’ll find that’s a C-.

    I’ve been watching the international news this morning and headlines every 15 minutes is “Formula 1 boss’s ‘secret’ S&M dominatrix has a bit of an interview on Sky News.” For goodness sake, how on earth can this be “World News Headlines”?? Does anyone really give a flying fart what Max Mosely gets up to in his spare time, and the fact that his “Mistress” is terribly, terribly sorry about the whole thing and is really very upset about the fact that her video recordings of the whole event made headlines in the “News of the World”, even though she made tons of cash, and, and, ..........

    So what are we thinking??? Why are we worried about closing the schools and wishing all our problems away. In the UK, it seems you don’t actually need an education, just do something incredibly stupid and you'll get paid a fortune!




    All is not lost ....

    2008-07-24T12:30:50.166+03:00

    (image)



    Damn, they're clever these politicians ....

    2008-07-23T13:36:13.595+03:00

    I stand in awe.

    Parliament sat yesterday and had a jolly loud debate about what to do about our striking students. And what did they decide was the solution, (besides of course their bright idea of bringing back caning - because of course those annoying "human rights" fellows won't like that one bit!), so no, no, the smashing Minister of Education, the ever so clever "PROFESSOR" (no less) Sam Ongeri announced 'new regulations to stem the wave of unrest in our Secondary Schools' as follows .........

    1. No secondary school student will henceforth be allowed to carry a mobile phone to school, and
    2. Purchase of school buses with TV sets, DVD players and music systems have been banned.

    Phew - glad you've sorted that out then. Don't you worry about those kids exams or the fact that you totally and utterly screwed up the KCSE results for last year. As long as none of them carries a mobile phone or listens to any music on the way to school, all of course shall be well!!

    YAY, ALL HAIL THE PROF !!



    Today's view

    2008-07-22T11:37:25.911+03:00

    (image)
    .... and according to all of our newspapers this morning, apparently if we bring back caning, then we can reverse this process :)

    "Spare the rod, Spoil the child!"



    The goalposts got shifted ......

    2008-07-21T19:19:43.732+03:00

    In the last few days, the children in a lot of the Secondary schools in Nairobi have gone on strike."You What!" I hear you cry, but yes you heard it correctly - the students have gone on strike and slipped into riot mode. Windows have been smashed, classrooms vandalised and even dormitories burnt down. In one school here in town a student was killed when they got themselves trapped in the burning dormitory, and now half the schools have had to be shut down .... and all for what?Well, the story that has come out is that their mock KCSE exams which were scheduled to start today are just too hard! (The KCSE exams are the equivalent of the GCSEs in the UK, but here in Kenya the mocks are always known for being much harder than the actual exams set by the government bodies themselves.)I was listening to the news this morning and they were interviewing Secondary school kids who had been turned away from school and they asked them why they were striking. They came out with the exam story to start with, and when the interviewers seemed totally unimpressed as that as a reason for missing school, they then changed their tune to "Actually, the sanitation isn't up to much and our school meals are atrocious!"Moving on and then interviewing parents about what should be done about the situation, there seemed to be one steady stream of answers and they all spelt out D I S C I P L I N E. All those adults interviewed agreed (including the presenters I might add), that 'in their day', they would never dare to do anything as wild as strike from school as the consequences would be too harsh, and these consequences would always involve a severe caning.So there you have it, the kids go on strike, and instead of taking any notice to their actual grievances, all the adults seem to just go with "Bring back Caning", and that will solve the problem!But hold on a second there chaps, has anyone actually listened to what they have to say. Yes the sanitation in most of the schools is awful, the food pretty crap and the mock exams known to be utterly impossible, but hey instead of saying; "Well, in my day, that's just how it was and you should put up and be beaten for it, or just shut up", surely we should actually wake up to the fact that these things - as much as they may have been the same in our day - should surely warrant some kind of change actually!Listening to these secondary school kids more closely, it turns out that the reason they even started all this nonsense is that they were told that as the government totally cocked up the KCSE exam results for last year, they have decided that this year they will use the mock results instead! Considering the mocks are not standardised from school to school, are internally marked, and as I'd mentioned earlier, are much more difficult than the actual exams themselves surely seems slightly unfair to say the least, and it really isn't surprising that these students are a little bit upset! Seeing as no-one wants to listen to them, it seems they have decided that the only way to get yourselves noticed and perhaps listened to, is to do what their peers have all done in the last few months - Riot and burn!But tell me this, is bringing back the cane really the way forward in all this??[...]



    Bring on Mrs Darwin perhaps ... ?

    2008-07-15T16:47:49.780+03:00

    Not sure how many of you have been keeping up with the world news but there's this very bizarre case that came up of a man who canoed out to sea some years ago, never to be seen again, who turned up at a police station in the UK at the end of last year - for reasons known only to himself.

    This is now the story of the court case surrounding the bizarre fraud incident .....

    Canoe wife 'acted out emotions'

    (image)

    The wife, lovely lady that she is, 'stood by her man', and when he 'returned from the dead', she was overcome with emotion!!

    ..... BUT .... turns out she had been standing by collecting the insurance and hanging out in Panama with him all along, and the most fantastic thing about the whole story is that she is currently in court and says she's innocent !!

    Er .... Right lady, that's the way to do it !!

    - You see, you don't need to be a politician to lie through your teeth. You can just be a little old housewife. But my goodness, she did it so well and for 5 years, and it was only the husband who blew the whole thing out of the water it seems.

    You see, that's a serious case of a missed vocation in life - she could have been a lecturer in Politics at some top Kenyan University.

    Our politicians this end need someone like that to brush up on their 'downright lying' techniques! In fact, Mrs Darwin could be extremely useful as the spokesman for our Parliament right now don't you think?

    Just in the last 7 days, we've had our Finance Minister dumped in the big sticky stuff and consequently shuffling to the side, swiftly followed by the Immigration Minister who has been jolly naughty issuing work permits when he was told not to, and then today it's Uhuru Kenyatta's turn of being accused of dodgy nominations when he was briefly ensconced in the Minister for Local Government posting.

    Meanwhile out of the office everyone is gearing up for the 2012 succession - and why not indeed.

    We are not yet 6 months into this one and it's turning out to be a complete disaster with lots of grown men bickering and throwing mud pies at each other and absolutely nothing actually being done, and I don't suppose it'll get any better in the next 4 years so "Hell Yea", let's start campaigning for 2012 and until then, the country can all go and rot!


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    It all seems to be about HOT potatoes ...

    2008-07-11T12:59:18.119+03:00

    PARLIAMENT, INQUIRY COMMISSIONS OR COURT CASES

    Please note that if you are involved in ANY of the forementioned gatherings, please make sure that under NO circumstances should you plead GUILTY, and that wherever possible you should hand the blame to the closest person to you!

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    I have set out some examples for you to follow for those who need clarification;


    PARLIAMENT

    - Someone somewhere will inevitably catch you handling vast amounts of rather dirty cash at some stage during your tenure in parliament. If you are caught with such before getting teh chance to get down to the drycleaners and give it a quick launder, then just tell everyone that you know nothing about it being illegal and (if all else fails), "BUT, the Prime Minister knew!" (- that is if you are from the ODM camp). THose from the PNU camp must replace that line with the following;
    "BUT, the President knew!"
    Then you shall categorically state that you would die first and then resign, and the following day you can stay home stating you have "step aside for the good of others" but - TAKE NOTE - "have NOT resigned!"


    ANY COMMISSION OF INQUIRY

    - Whatever questions are asked of you, and in fact even if none are asked at all, you must repeat this phrase;
    "It was most definitely ALL the authority's fault!"
    If of course, you happen to be from said authorites, go with the alternative;
    "I knew absolutely nothing about it, but BE ASSURED I shall look into it and make sure the perpertrators are taken to book for it."
    (no matter what the inquiry has been set up for by the way, the same phrases apply)


    COURT CASES

    - Most especially those involving colonial aristocrats being tried for murder.
    Try the following sentence to completely divert everybodies mind, change the game plan, and of course get someone else to take the blame (after two years of going in and out of court);
    "I couldn't possibly have done it. The only other witness to the event, who has of course stuck up for me all this time, but can I say he just hasn't been to visit enough, therefore HE obviously did it !!"



    Right, so, we all sorted then chaps??
    Whatever happens do not DROP the potato, just pass it on as quickly as possible!!



    I've been UUd ...... apparently

    2008-07-10T13:01:45.557+03:00

    Now it seems I have been tagged with a UU - not quite sure what a UU is but it's probably not dissimilar to being hit with a YoYo, as it seems just as painful!

    Anyway this is how it goes; the UU must list the three things their husband (or wife) (or significant other!) (could be a pet, in lieu of all of the above.) (no pet? got a plant?) (if you have none of the above, you should go get one.) knows about them. The rules of this UU are that at the end of the post, the player then tags a randomly chosen number of people and posts their blog names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know that they have been tagged. The comment must end with the word 'pthththth'.

    Weeeelllllll, am I bovvered??
    Well, yes actually, totally, I must say.
    For a start my significant others are all dogs who, when asked, what they knew about me seemed to have nothing more interesting to say than the odd snuffle, grunt and the odd fart!

    I suppose that pretty much sums up my life, but really I thought I could at least get a little more sense out of them. Failing that, and all my pot plants who are totally UNinterested (to say the least), I thought I'd ask my son. I mean he's had to live with me and my madness for the total 8 years of his life and if anyone knows me (because I can assure you that my ex-husband certainly didn't), it'll be that small boy.

    So what did he have to say??


    1. I love my horses
    2. I love our dogs
    3. I like to kiss him and am happy when he does chores, like washing the car or doing the washing up!!

    I'm quite perturbed by number 3, as I never realised how miserable I must be!! The amount of times my son has helped with cleaning of the car OR doing the washing up I could most probably count on the one hand. Surely that means that I could count the number of happy times in the last 8 years of my life also on one hand!!

    Nah, that's not true - I really am quite a jolly character most of the time - except of course when I'm not, and the little chap's right - I'd be bloody ecstatic if he did decide to wash the car or do the washing up!

    And now, everyone look right, and if you see your name on my list of "FAB blogs", you can consider yourselves officially UU'd, so pthththth to you all .........

    (PS. All complaints to be addressed to Belle at 'Diary of a Housewife' - as she got us ALL into this. :) )



    Oooooooh .........

    2008-07-08T15:05:37.922+03:00

    Yesterday our Finance Minister, the dear and honourable Amos Kimunya (who I understand is - funnily enough - Kibaki's nephew!) told the press "He would rather die than resign his post"


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    Today news just in HOT off the wire .......

    'FINANCE MINISTER Kimunya "steps aside" after consultations with Kibaki to allow for investigations on Grand Regency sale;'

    read more here

    Don't suppose he's feeling quite so well this morning then !!



    Federer should take a leaf .....

    2008-07-08T11:38:08.494+03:00

    Perhaps Roger Federer should take a leaf out of the bestseller;

    "HOW TO GUARANTEE YOURSELF A WIN" by Uncle BOB !




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    Perhaps I should get out more ….

    2008-07-07T14:06:51.611+03:00

    As you may have gathered, I do rather like a bit of a chat, and do find it extremely difficult to keep my mouth on hold. It seems that even when I have no-one to talk to, I never let it slow me down! Yesterday I went to do my weekly shopping and instead of sticking to the usual supermarket that I always go to and where I know exactly where everything is situated, my son wanted to try out some new play centre that’s been put in at another shopping centre from our usual, so I was left with my customary weekly list as long as your arm, braving aisles that I hadn’t a clue what was down them. Well, I don’t know about you lot, but surely I’m NOT the only one who likes a spot of conversation with the stock in the aisles? But can I tell you, I got some very strange looks wherever I went. Perhaps it was because I was so disorientated as to where everything was in the shop that I chatted more that usual to the inanimate objects on the shelves. I mean how else are you supposed to find the disinfectant if you can’t ask the bleach???? In my concerted opinion of shelf-stacking (which I know absolutely nothing about!), surely the bleach should hang out somewhere near the disinfectant as I would have said they were related. Turns out in this store, the bleach hangs out with the kitchen roll and the disinfectant is opposite the fabric softener – now please people get a grip, how does that make any logical sense. I think I’ll start a supermarket “arrange your aisles logically” course. I will of course make a damn fortune, but I’ll give you all a heads up on my ideas, and before I get marketing and make myself a millionaire and ditch you lot, first of all I shall take full advantage. Now, what do you think of this; Milk, (and other such milky things including butter and yoghurt), onto eggs, then bread, jams and honey (so breakfast is over with), then moving swiftly onto veg, meats, followed by tinned stuff. Oops forgot cereals. They better hang back in the egg aisle. Moving on… where was I? … ah yes, canned goodies, then accompaniments such as sauces, etc. then we can have biscuits & snacks followed by pasta, sugar, flour, rice, and baking sort of stuff. Keeping smelly stuff away from foodstuffs is always good (not like in the supermarket I went into yesterday where bleach is actually on the corner with rice on the other side. Mmmmm!) So we should move onto tissues, toilet rolls, kitchen towels, cloths, etc. then we can have cleaning stuff (INCLUDING disinfectant), and at the end is the toiletries and hair pieces – we always have a full aisle of hair pieces in all our supermarkets!! TA DA …. So what do you think? I was even thinking that I could move upstairs to have the wheelbarrows next to the welly boots (which seems bloody sensible to me, because yesterday I found them after the toy section and opposite all the fitness equipment!) AND, AND, I would even suggest labeling the shelves with the various sizes available so that I didn’t have to strike up a separate conversation with every shelf of the welly boot aisle asking them what size they may be, as the only place you can find out this information is picking up the blighters and checking on the sole. (As you can imagine, it can get quite tedious when the size 6’s are parked next to the size 11’s – especially when you’re looking for size8!) Anyway after all that stress o[...]



    It must be the weather

    2008-07-03T11:49:12.256+03:00

    You know over here in these parts, winter has truly set in with temperatures dropping to 11 degrees in the morning (Shocking isn’t it I know), and actually I am sure that one of these mornings I shall awake to snow falling on my roof. I'm sure all of you out there in the West are shouting at your screens just now, going; "Christ Alive, these people have NO idea of the meaning of the world 'cold'!", but hey, It’s the same every year here. We always complain of the cold at this time of year, and that we can’t believe how shocking it is, BUT then it’s the same again next year, and funnily enough the year after as well!! That’s the thing about weather I suppose – it never seems to be ‘just right’!! (although I must say I definitely hear less complaints when it’s nice and warm.) Anyway, this cold seems to be freezing the brains of our politicians not only in Southern States such as Zimbabwe where Uncle Bob is still skipping about whistling a care free tune, although it seems he has slightly changed tack, i.e. He’s ready to talk to the opposition about some form of coalition government, (after last week telling them all to “Go Hang”). I’m sure however this is only because he’s seen how it works here, Kibaki is still the President, he has his own chosen sidekick at number 2, and Raila is relegated to third in line, which seems to mean that no matter how much he jumps up and down and makes noise only Kibaki’s decisions count in the end. So down in Zim, its business “as Unusual as always”, and here in Kenya it’s pretty much the same. Our dear Minister for Finance, the Honorable Amos Kimunya has got himself into a spot of bother with the whole Grand Regency Hotel deal. Apparently the hotel was sold last week to Libyans for 2.8Billion, and then …..Oh, no, apparently that wasn’t QUITE right and it was sold to some Kenyan registered company (known as Arab African Investment) for rather a lot less, namely 1.85Billion. Mmmmmmm ……… Meanwhile back in Parliament, a motion of ‘no confidence’ was carried last night on Kimunya ( – I really am not sure that releasing his “Transparency” report on procurement and disposals procedures was such a good idea at the beginning of the week when his very own procedures outline the fact that in matters such as the disposal of an asset such as The Grand Regency Hotel, he had stated that more than one valuation must be done,(and he, er …., seem to have, er …. Forgot?) …. and today news is just in says that the Kibaki has called off the cabinet meeting scheduled or this morning, "with no reason given", that had promised to clarify EXACTLY what in the hell happened with this whole deal of the Grand Regency, so nothing's changed here either. Looks like our Mr. Kimunya might just have the right qualifications for a hot position in Mugabe’s government, so I shouldn’t think he need worry too much !! [...]