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MY WORLD





Updated: 2015-09-16T13:34:15.237-07:00

 



DEAD BEAT KENYA

2014-09-12T07:02:41.560-07:00

This piece was originally written in 2012..The picture is my dad walking my son...To all the real men out there I respect you Friends lover brothers must meetWhich one are youWhich one is meFriends lover brothers must meetWhich one are youFRIENDSWe met at the coffees shop for a dateSoon after I was two months lateWe would chat on facebook and on the phoneBut when he hung up I felt all aloneDidn’t know how to tell him I had his childYou know how men get, going all buck wildLike he is carry the baby 12 months and changeAll I can say is afterwards he started acting strangeWe were friends with benefits more benefits than friendsAnd ladies and gentlemen that’s usually how the story endsFriend’s lover brothers must meetWhich one are youWhich one is meFriends lover brothers must meetWhich one are youLOVERSI met her in campus, we had the same classI knew from day one that this would lastShe cooked for me and washed all my clothesShe was a Christian girl, not like those campus whoresWe fooled around a little until it got seriousI wanted her so bad I become deliriousShe was wise so she sat me down and saidLet’s consummate our love on our marriage bedWe struggled but we waited and now he’s comeOur beautiful angel is now 3 months and someWe may have a couple more maybe 2 or 3But I’m blessed to be a father and have a familyA family a family a familyLike John whose 40, single and famousFor getting all the young girls naked in his primusHe has 2 kids 0r 4 by different baby mamasA son and a daughter raised without fathersHe hit it and ran no friend or loverThey were on night stands or some story or otherHe doesn’t provide and he think it’s coolHe escaped being another woman foolFriends lover brothers must meetWhich one are youWhich one is meFriends lover brothers must meetWhich one are youBROTHERS A real father is there for his children regardlessOf how the baby got into this world in the first placeSo he slept with your mother anyone can take that spaceA real dad is an investor with a little more graceWith a strong back,a good heart, a double edged swordTeaches you how to read to pass examsAnd how to get on that heavenly abodeTeaches you how to play soccer, swim and how to pick your fightsHow to be a man a good person, how to live your life rightI therefore dedicate father’s day to those who don’t have oneMaybe he bailed out on you, maybe by death he is goneWe have a father and a friend who sticks closer than a brotherWE have Pastors we have lifegroups but best of all we have each otherSo don’t hustle on your own my dear single motherDon’t be bitter about your past God can give you a hotter brotherDon’t concentrate on what you cant change it is what it isJust raise your boo boo right and be about your fathers bizBecause you daddy is now their daddy so they are not all aloneBest part is they will thank you when they are all grownAnd to all the real fathers’ stands I salute you, stand upI would toast and salute you if I had a cupYou give single mums like me hope that not all men leaveMay God increase and bless all you achieveMay you be a father to others, to mentor and loveTeach the boys to be vigilant the girls that true love is from aboveWe acknowledgment you and congratulate you every day[...]



IT CAN WORK!

2014-07-23T04:57:30.808-07:00

Wow....just listened to some two ladies yap in a Double M unashamedly
The kind of advice being thrown around?


"Leave him" "Don't waste your time" "I can never and will never forgive"

Call me naive or a dreamer but I am a firm believer in making it work. I feel too many good relationships end because of misunderstandings that can be sorted. Sometimes we have to see the ugly in someone to truly love them as they are. As Marianne Williamson said in her book, " A return to Love"...

“Until we have seen someone's darkness, we don't really know who they are. Until we have forgiven someone's darkness, we don't really know what love is.”

I am not excusing the inexcusable and if it is harmful leave. But if it can be fixed, do so. Nothing comes easy in life...sometimes you have to learn, and you have to grow and it has to hurt.

I conclude by quoting T.D JAKES in his sermon," Reality Check"

"That's what you get for taking advice on a man from a woman..."

I am also weary of taking relationship advice from women who have not walked a mile in my shoes or who married their high school sweet heart at 21 LOL

‪#‎Mytwocents‬ ‪#‎CindySpeaks‬ ‪#‎Istillbelieveinlove‬ ‪#‎Makeitwork‬



RESPONSE TO NJOKI CHEGE: LADIES IT'S NOT ALL YOUR FAULT HE IS CHEATING BUT HERE'S WHY....

2014-07-19T01:27:31.683-07:00

We've all read Njoki's blog post, if not, find it here ====> http://www.kenyan-post.com/2014/07/here-is-that-article-by-njoki-chege.htmlNow here is my two cents...1. HE WILL CHEAT ON YOU IF YOU MAKE HIM YOUR WHOLE LIFEIf you cannot have a descent weekend without calling or texting him or getting called and texted,you have made him your world and he will feel suffocated. You were an individual before you met your mate. The fact that he is warming your bed at night and filling you phone inbox does not mean you surrender your life,hobbies, aspirations and dreams to him. Men like to chase,keep the chase going. Do your own thing! Be scarce..it is an element that makes money VALUABLE...it's scarcity. If you are always at his place every weekend, washing his duvet and he hasn't met your folks...mtazoena and he will/might cheatAt the end of the day, the only person you can count on 100 percent of the time is yourself. Do not make the unfortunate mistake I made with my exes and place your entire happiness in the hands of another flawed human being. A relationship is not going to fulfill the void if you can’t even make yourself happy. You need to achieve happiness on your own before you can find someone else to share it with. This creates a detrimental dependency that will prevent you from becoming self-sufficient.2. HE WILL CHEAT ON YOU UKIJIACHILIANjoki was trying to make a point but we all caught a feeling.I dress a certain way, so I attract a certain kind of folks...definitely not the kind that make it rain at Millionaires club. Why? That's my style..it's what I know and love. If you attracted a "shine eyed boy" with your tu-tight up skirts and cleavage and kitenge dresses, he will expect you to maintain it forever,three kids and stretchmarks not withstanding. Granted, genetics play a part..but so does the gym and if that doesn't work..there are plenty of plus size funky outfits that make you look sexy. If that still doesn't work..he will cheat on you because you married or are dating a shallow bastard!3. HE WILL CHEAT ON YOU BECAUSE YOU LIKE TO CATCH FEELINGSLet it go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Wacha kununa. There's no guy who likes bembelezaring you beyond the point where he will/will not get laid. Let it go.If he said he is sorry , hold him accountable but don't give him the silent treatment. Men prefer women who are easy to be around.I'm not saying stand his crap. Don't! Let him know where you draw the line. After he has drawn it with that ka foam the referees used during the world cup... Let it go, wear your tight-up skirt and show him what a bad boy he is. Like seriously, are you 12? stop sulking let your toi do that!4. HE WILL CHEAT ON YOU IF YOU ASK HIM TO CHANGEYou found him smoking right? What makes you think forcing him to do Mizizi will change that? I have been the biggest culprit in terms of changing a man. I've dated guys with weird idiosyncrasies like ridiculous porn collections ( KEDO A TERRABYTE! HEHEHEHE) or with daddy/mummy issues. What do I do? The wonder woman effect. I try to "love them" into changing for me , using words like "us" but it's "me" It's a selfish thing and love has nothing to do with it!If you want a Christian man don't try to change the office bad boy then emotionally black mail him. Tick the "Terms and conditions apply" box during your first kiss/romp and ACCEPT AND MOVE ON!I read somewhere that happy people tend to have extremely high levels of self-esteem. They accept who they are and work it everyday of their lives. They radiate confidence, flaunt their pride and give off positive vibes. There is no reason to be insecure in life. If there are things you are self-conscious about, go out into the world and seek to change them. Only you have the ability to create the best version of yourself.5. HE WILL CHEAT BECAUSE YOU KEEP FORGIVING HIS SORRY ASSFool me once! Shame on me..fool me twice? Woman, he fooled around twice???? and you took him back? You deserve what you get.Why I give the exception to once is because every one has a weak moment [...]



0 Comments

2014-07-16T08:20:06.326-07:00

Once again I find my self in the receiving end of this constant roller coaster of amour Granted my choices have been wanting but my intentions during the formative stages warrant a better ending than this constant drilling of my a wound still smarting from my last desertion A pain that ebbs an emotion so terrible that it shakes the very foundation of my soul and pushes me to the boundaries of insanity I am undone, so much so that I want to run up 50 flights of stairs to the tallest building I can find and just when I am almost out of breath, I want to use whatever whisper I have in me to bellow out a harrowing cry, a silent echo of the deep emptiness I now feel My life has become unpalatable and my belief systems shaken. So jaded am I that the thin line between self love and pity has been crossed, intermarriages happened and begot an offspring of hopelessness Cold pockets in my bed constantly remind me of my destitution, my constant curse in loving men who, when push comes to shove, choose to run to the furthest corner of their universe than to make it work at the nearest grocery store with me How revolting am I…How absurd is my constant belief in a mate that the reciprocation is wanting Or perhaps the problem is me, thinking of myself too highly when indeed I am the dread that haunts gentlemen at their finest hour Will I ever sleep Will I ever slumber Will I ever truly awake Will I ever STOP having a heart ache!



My Inside Story,in two seconds

2012-07-10T06:16:06.841-07:00

Have you ever had that feeling when you thought you were over something or well on your way to getting over it then suddenly, without warning, something happens to pull you back into that darkness you swore never to go back to. That happened to me today, it took all of 2 seconds, 2 seconds that are as much a blur as the 2 seconds after my son was born. All it took was a fraction of a minute to set me back months, many minutes in those months when I fought every hook and cranny in my brain that tried to tell me that I couldn’t make it, I couldn’t get over it that I, will never be whole again. So there I was sited in this cold auditorium, using free wireless and drinking free coffee and yet not feeling very freed at all. On the contrary, I felt that all familiar tire of having thought a lot. A part of me wanted to just sit there and do nothing, and then the other part was forced into action. You see, I was part of many “free” Kenyans who had come all the way to Westlands to view free stuff hoping to get free contacts that can further their discounted life. It was 1 p.m and the movie was about to begin, the hall was filling up, annoyingly, with young irritant little students who were discussing the film industry with so much savvy, I thought I was in bloody Hollywood! Am I hating? Off course, my brief encounter placed me in the mood of righteous indignation. I am now the “otero” of this story so if you don’t like, call Jack Bauer, tell him to kiss my black numb ass. I digress, where was I? yes I was jolted back into life...by God. He just loooooves giving His lil kids a reality check, bless Him too because we, self righteous depressants, like mellowing in our own pool of self pity. We like feeling that the circumstances in life are very different for us, somewhat unfair. That if we had just met the right person, was born in to the right family, got into the right matatu and made it to the venue earlier, we would avoid our little 2 second encounters, we would be peachy...we would be fine. And in our day to day auditoriums, whatever yours is, say your office, your room, the loo (I think a lot in the toilet true story) in our little cocoons of self pity, we allow ourselves to be the infamous victims of circumstances, we see a bunch of leaves, we don’t see the forest from the trees. So God by his wisdom and grace, through this movie that had a great overcoming story, God allowed me get over myself. It’s not that simple, I wish it were lol. The aftermath of my 2second encounter led me to send a text in 10 seconds, the replies took 2 minutes and in a record 3 minutes 45 seconds I managed to significantly give away my joy to people who don’t give me a second thought when they clean their own asses. Did I beat myself up? You betcha! I wanted to do what is femininely familiar and call my girlfriend to rant over overpriced coffee and maybe a cookie but instead I did what most tech savvy attention seekers do, I wrote a blog post  Listen boo boo we are not perfect; we are here to be perfected. The getting over process is slow and precarious and because it’s life, you don’t know what it will throw your way. Just when you thought you were over a loved ones death, a familiar song plays and your stomach turns grey, just when you thought you have all the esteem in the world, the man you have a huge crush on sashays by with a chic who looks photo shopped and tummy tucked! With real leather boots for sprinkles! Just when you thought you were over the scum bag that made you shave your hair, pierce your lips and get a phoenix tattoo, you meet the chic he left you for, and the 2 seconds lasts forever. But that’s life, uniquely unpredictable and unforgiving vitriol. What there is also is life within life, that is God and His word that says, His plans are to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a hope and a future. That same God watched as Joseph’s brother sold him as a slave to the Egypt[...]



4 Comments

2012-04-29T20:13:04.098-07:00

Greetings and Salutations! A week after #manology comes the story of a week long relationship. I won't get into the details of it and why it ended ( that's an entirely different blog post) I will however share some insights from my week long "interesting" experience. Firstly,it is hard to date in this rainy weather,you will either bond in a coffee house until they force you out or you will date in traffic. Traffic is fine because you get to cuddle in a stationery position sort like in the cinemas. However, the stuffiness of a matatu, exhaust fumes and the temperament of Kenyan drivers creates an atmosphere charged with vitriol emotions. This, my dears, is NOT the best place to ask that deep question or to bring up a topic that is otherwise uncomfortable ( note to self) I'm sorry my mind is all over the place with this one so I'm gonna go straight into it and say,"Ladies, if a man wants to leave,let him go!" There is power is allowing something to leave your life with the same gusto it came in. I am the queen of "Let's stick it out"land. Truth me that island is colonised by thoughts of insecurity and the constant need to be asserted.I am going to expose my left ventricle and say that I have a constant need to be affirmed, especially in a relationship. I need the man to constantly mush me up with words of affirmation like,"I wanna be with you" , "I'm not gonna leave you" , " I want to spend each and every waking breath with you even if your stories are repetitive,I will make it work." Truth is,this manfriend had a life and a "story" going on way before you came and flaunted your good heart,charm and apple bottom his way. These stories don't change,you simply become the new chapter in his book not a book mark. If he had female friends,he will continue to have them, and will still keep the photo of his ex on his phone because guess what,that's how men are. Unless he is convinced that this chapter in his life needs to become a thesis,he will read you with the same interest he will others. I learnt this the hard way and it cost me,what could have been,"The One." However! The "One" won't leave you and here is why. We are constantly looking for a partner who has these qualities that we feel, are adaptable to our story. A new addition,I have come to learn is,if he really wants in, nothing will make him leave,he will take you in warts and all. Warts and all means that you have a bad side right? You nag, breath heavily on the phone, have small tits, fart in public..whatever.When a man wants in,he takes all that bull with the same stride he takes in your kisses and hugs for the simple fact that it doesn't phase him from his goal, to have you. So many reasons cause men to leave. From my experience,it could be he is not mentally prepared to be in a relationship or sadly,he's just not that into you. All my Christian friends forgive me for using coarse language but,the bottom line, a relationship is a constant shoveling of shit from one date to another. Don't get me wrong, the lovey doveys are a must. But that doesn't last long.Even your new shinny job takes its toll after you have done the same thing over and over again. What makes it sweet is the pursuit of passion. The realization that regardless of this persons flaws,they make your life happy and that means more to you than their temper tantrums,their drunk texts and their random killer farts. Finding someone who loves you "warts and all" is hard. Here's where God comes in,the maker of all warts. He knows what your weaknesses are and aligns you with someone who will take them and vice versa. I honestly believe in divine pairing because face it, left to your own devices,you'd give your self to the player next door and convince yourself that if you loved him hard enough, he will change. Well here's the sad reality,men NEVER change. They become more ingrained in their idiosyncracies the older they become.The only way a man can[...]



#MANOLOGY

2012-04-22T19:25:21.307-07:00

It is probably in season that my first blog post in a while comes with the new Google plus settings. I sorta feel the same sense of violation I felt when facebook added the new Timeline ( which I have totally refused to switch to by the way) Call me a creature of habit :) So I didn't blog about my heart being ripped out of my chest to make samosa fillings...because it was too grotesque a period. Neither did I blog about the many milestones my son gives me day by day ( like washing the table with yogurt and licking my roll-on...boys) However, I need to blog about something that has been bugging me for the last couple of months and if this post begins to sound like a,"letter to the editor" bear with me, my soul is heavy *cue Nneka* In February 2012 I organised singles night at my church,Mavuno Mashariki. I did so because I was tired of good women missing out on good men because the latter cannot read signs! Kenyan men ( sorry for the stereotype) just don't get hints fast enough especially from a sassy lass who is wanton for his goodies! Men tend to find brazen women too straight forward and with the every guy catching the "friends with benefits" or "chips funga" flu, it's kinda hard for a good old fashioned girl to get some Vitamin C. That said,I am dating again and boy oh boy isn't it weird! From the crushes to the awkwardness to the stupid stunts (like telling the Java manager he is hotter than their home fries) *cringe at the memory* It's one big roller coaster that I think I have forgotten how to ride. I have, however, learnt A LOT from the sermon series at church #finderskeepers and the from the consequent singles night ...dating in Nairobi needs DIVINE INTERVENTION. Every guy I have met post breakup wants to bed me! I don't blame em ( this descendant of Ramogi throws it down and then some)*dusting shoulders* but that is not what I want! I am at that stage and age when cheap thrills are for I-max cinemas,I am a grown woman with grown woman needs and guess what,I now come with a plus one, my bundle of joy,King Arthur,my son. So getting into the dating scene I am very cautious of what men say and do. You see when a man wants you he will say ANYTHING and lemme tell you I am a sucker for words. Say it right,sprinkle it with hot sauce and a serve it up with a big spoon? I'm your customer, with a freaking smart card! My grace however is that being in two long term relationships,I am beginning to discern the difference between what a man says and what he means. My campus roommate used to tell me,"Cindy,just because a man wants to buy you chocolate doesn't mean he likes you.If a man likes you, you will know it and everyone will know it too,including the neighbour's dog!" Now correct me if I'm wrong but men tend to be emotionally exclusive creatures.If a man,say,likes football, you will know it from his twitter handle (@lovemanunitedfan) to the many white and red jerseys in his closet and off course, his weekend plans. The same with if a man is a smart businessman. From the way he dresses to whom he hangs out with, his website,it resonates from that one part of his brain that fuels hisr passion. The same thing happens when a man is into a chic. He will pursue her relentlessly. Don't get me wrong I'm not talking about stalking, but if a man is about your business ( whether to get into your pants or into your heart) you will know it and his lingo will show it. I believe that in the case of "Man wants into your pants" words like,"sexy, hot, turn on," are used often because you see, he is selling sex so you as the buyer need to know what currency you're going to be exchanging. Goods ones sold are not replaceable remember. The same happens when a man is after your heart. He will be about your business, how your day was, what are your interests? Where do you hang out? How is your baby? The man will even notice how your eyes become like tiny chinks when you[...]



NEW YEARS RESOLUTION 2012

2012-01-04T23:24:38.705-08:00

(image)
Health:

1. Drink plenty of water
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants, and eat less food that is manufactured in plants
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy
5. Make time for prayer
6. Play more games
7. Read more books than you did in 2011
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day
9. Sleep for 7 hours
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk every day ---- and while you walk, smile


Personality:

11. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment
13.. Don't over do ; keep your limits
14. Don't take yourself so seriously ; no one else does
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip
16.. Dream more while you are awake
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need..
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Community:


25. Call your family often
26. Each day give something good to others
27. Forgive everyone for everything
28. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day
30. What other people think of you is none of your business
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick... Your family and friends will. Stay in touch.


Life:


32. Do the right things
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful
34. GOD heals everything
35.. However good or bad a situation is, it will change
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up
37. The best is yet to come
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.



BROKEN TELEPHONE

2012-01-04T23:20:44.791-08:00

I was very good at broken telephone in primary school.The mean girl with the shrub who always rushed through the "secret" word had nothing on me because I could decipher her words. I am still good at it 15 years later..OK 20 but whose counting :)I am very good at hearing what people don't say.In campus I attended all psychology electives that dealt with interpersonal behaviour and non verbal communication. Why? Because for the longest I felt, and still feel, that people don't understand me (sometimes). Is it me? Is it them? Am I from Venus and the whole freaking globe is from Mars? Whatever the reason is, I am good at communicating..in my own way. Trouble is, I keep encountering people as close as my most excellent bed mate, who aren't.How do we learn how to communicate then?From our parents? from our house helps? I fired my son's nanny this morning because, among other misdemeanours, she has taught my niece to say,"weee" "mjinga" and "angalia huyu" As a result, my cute 2 year old niece communicates through abuse. My son, by beating her up and all of us by yelling.Why do we expect others to read our minds and know the entire picture – the one that is in your mind – without showing it to them? Just because one person has the picture in their minds eye, doesn’t mean that anyone else sees it. As a matter of fact, you are the only one in the entire world (or Universe) that sees that picture!Communicate.The world’s history is riddled with cultural and religious clashes, with millions of senseless loss of life over one thing: Lack Of Communication Skills. You could also call it: Refusal To Appreciate Other People’s Views. In 2011 I lost a lot of friends and businesses because of lack of communication skills on both my part and that of the communicatees [...]



My debut in the papers :)

2011-11-15T22:40:02.114-08:00

http://www.standardmedia.co.ke/InsidePage.php?id=2000046764&cid=616&



WHY YOU RUN AWAY FROM LOVE, LITTLE BOY

2011-09-25T18:38:51.346-07:00

(image)
You can’t seem to settle down
Seems to be too many toys around
What you gonna do about the girls whose hearts you’re breaking
Can’t you see the damage of the libertys you’re taking


Why you run away from love little boy
There’s nothing wrong with a little love little boy
You’re gonna end up all alone little boy
So why you run away from love little boy

You can’t tell me your heart don’t feel nothing
Cause when you first met the girl
It could not stop jumping
Now you seem to be holding back
Emotionally you’re empty
You must try to let yourself go
And taste what you’ve been missing


Why must you have to want to go on this way
You don’t seem to ever want to change your ways
All you have to do is to decide to give her one chance
And you just might find there is some goodness inside romance


Lonliness is a serious thing
I want her to be there by my side every night cos it’s right
Not joking, i’m not joking, not joking, i’m not joking
Put aside your pride before it’s too late you might fade away
Be strong hold onto your love



MOJO

2011-08-18T00:52:19.478-07:00

(image)
I must feel everything!
I want it to hurt to the core,
the kind of feeling I cant ignore
It must choke the life out of me so that I can survive
and bleed again.
In my mind theres a lions den,
I often dream that they attack me
I must sleep,please do not wake me,
They must tear all my ligaments,
Lick my blood and all its condiments.
I want to feel,raw,pure pain
feel every prick,swallow every grain,
It must disturb me surely
Make me dull and gaudy,
I want to fill the expanse of my body
Every nooke and cranny
Fossil fuel me to the past
Ashes to ashes,dust to dust
How else will I remember
Never to be here again...

I must feel it all
The lion...slain



JILL PHILLIPS-HANGING ON

2011-08-15T18:13:58.563-07:00

The weight I fastened on trying to make my world run
Almost pinned me to the floor
I could not orchestrate one solitary day
And the more I worked I found my efforts all in vain
I believe that I need to let go of these things
To be free
So help me stop this hanging on
All my worry got was more of what I did not want
A love of power and control
Every hour running kept me in my starting place
When I finally rested I began to win this race
There is only so much I can do with these two hands
Precious is the freedom when I finally understand
That I need to let go of these things



FORGIVENESS AND ALL THAT

2011-11-29T19:58:11.943-08:00

So I have recently gotten my heart broken in very familiar circumstances, I was fooled by human nature. Heart breaks are not restricted to relationships that are romantic, I have come to discover. In fact friendship and family can break your heart far worse, mainly because you never saw it coming. Never in your wildest dream did you think your best friend would betray you or your brother or sister would turn on you. But human beings do what they do best, they hurt others. It is up to us to choose whether we will stick around for a second helping or do something about it. What am I talking about? Forgiveness. Forgiveness sucks, nay, it sucks ROTTEN EGGS! But it is so important especially when you are tired of beating yourself up, coming up with different scenarios and explanations and yup, are done being depressed. I for one don't mind sharing that I have been depressed for a good portion of my life. Waking up in the morning and not feeling like living is not a good thing. Whether it is self inflicted or situational, depression, like heart break, like forgiveness belong to the same sucky club, in fact they play golf and organise play dates! For these and many reasons, I tend to fast forward my pain. I imagine myself with another man who loves me for me and is faithful, I day dream about coffee dates with my battery of girlfriends who laugh at my every joke and understand when I don't, I dream that I am an only child...ok that Donald Trump is my brother or Barrack Obama! This is generally because; living in the present sucks as well. I mean who wants to feel now, now is painful, now bears no fruit, now is hard. If you are living in the future however you can create your own utopia, you can orchestrate the steps that led you there, or not. The present forces you to live, the past lets you reminisce and the future allows you to die to your present. And for this and many reasons, forgiveness hurts. I am the kind of person I want bad things to happen to you. You hurt me I pray that God punishes you and if He is too busy dealing with the Holocaust victims or the Japanese Tsunami or our MP's, I call on his universal accomplice called Karma. Oh don't I like dishing the line, “Karma is a bitch and will get you." I say it with an emotional similar to the one Lady Macbeth called upon the spirits to "unsex her" I call upon it with the same measure of pain that is, at that time, causing my heart to pump faster. Karma needs to avenge me. Why? It is only fair that if you have caused me a proportional amount of bodily or emotional heartbreak that you should feel the same, I mean you must! Kwani? (Next open mic is September 6th at 7p.m Clubb Soundd by ze way!) However, I also know the rot unforgiveness causes. It eats at you slowly, you don’t even realise how bitter you become. You begin to hate your partner, you begin to bitch about your friends to other friends in their absence, and you alienate yourself from your family and by extension, their world! Unforgiveness, like forgiveness suck. They both take time to settle in and they don't feel very nice. However, unlike unforgiveness, forgiveness has a mature result. Like life. You can only learn through experience right? The same with forgiveness, you can only become a better person through it. You drink your enemy’s poison, that’s how odd forgiveness feels like. But it is the only way to live in the present. Living in the present doesn't have to suck though if you live a moment at a time. If you start bundling stuff together especially all the things you have NOT done like for me: doing my masters, buying a car, paying my HELB loan, being normal, I get overwhelmed and start feeling defeated. However if I plan on how to do shi[...]



42 Comments

2009-03-26T09:30:39.287-07:00

I am a woman because of a man
who fell in love with my mother
and proved that yes he can have sperms that swim
faster that Michael Phelps and with his help
I learned to call him daddy and love my mummy
because she is mum coz he is dad
a man

I am a woman because of a man
who fell in love with me or was it I to him
my fixation on him was nearly a sin
as I gave him access to that soul within
and watched with that same liberty as he used that freedom to crush me
I am now stronger and a wiser lover
because I was a lover
to a man
...ok an asshole ( doesn't have to rhyme)

I am a woman because of a man
He is the Great I am
who looks at my tempest and is never shaken
who hungs out with me, through hell and through heaven
He told me that I am not forgoten and am highly favoured
with his romantic words I now adorn a swagger
I hold my head up High because I belong to the Most High
because He is both God and Man

I am still a woman because of a man
for those who call me sister, auntie
and for those who will call me wife
because you see the woman in me and treat me accordingly
treating me with gentleness, speaking to me attentively
arousing my feminine whiles, letting me hug your pain away
letting me cry and smile,whin and advice, follow and have my way
I am a woman , not ashamed to be called one
I am phenomenal through and through whether am a size 6 or 10
I have been since I was born and even in death even then
I will thank the men who had a hand in letting me say
I am a woman because of a man....amen and amen!



Tired

2009-03-07T03:54:34.510-08:00

I am so tired of being alone
Am tired of wanting to get along
Can I add, Sick and tired of being broke
Very tired of people taking me as a joke because
I don't comb my hair or have a flare that is womanlike
sure when my jeans are tight
you might like what you see but you see
dressing up isn't me
It stems from a past of covering my body up
I was afraid if I showed too much, my cup would overflow
and there we would go again and again and again so I got tired...

Tired of being called a tom boy
I mean...who the hell is Tom?
And I know that because of my dad I look like a boy
but I call it reflection
From a man who sired a woman who can change a nation
I love the fact that I look like my dad
So I'll be damned if true love tells me to take it all back
To weave it, nail polish, to give sexy back
I am beautiful even when my "fashion"is under attack

Dont you find it wierd that we all dress the same
and depending on your shade or colour,
It may add or reduce your fame
Like a big family that shops at deacons,
it's lame
To brand someone fashionable
Because their dress has a centimetre wide lable.

I am just saying
am tired of being alone
In this war of clothes
dont get me wrong, look smart, feel better about your woes
but if you do it for esteem?
Then your inner beauty is dim
No matter what they say you are a cherubim
so stop acting like sheep and act your image...HIM!

I wear clothes that fit my body
Hells yeah am sexy
Got legs that run all the way up
you know you want to touch me
But I choose to slip them into trousers
Not because I dont have the hours
to shop for a dress
But because I impress even in my distress jeans
coz am tighter than a Cavalli seam
I am a cherubim
reflection of a creation
Am just sayin.....
I am HIM



IT'S FEB ALREADY!

2011-11-29T20:02:35.710-08:00

I know I haven't been active on my blog this year. Allow me to share with you an annoying fact...whenever I get emotional and feel like rendering my heart in words, most often than not, I am far away from a computer, pen or paper.

So I sit like a sack of anxiety and ponder my nerves off.

Right now am in the office, watching Monday's edition of re-up ( a music show that airs on NTV weekdays from 6-7 p.m). There is a segment that I am particular about, it's an events recap which my boss entrusted to me. Thing is, the guy who edits it is a proud jango ( nuff said). So I tell this proud jango to chop some irrelevant bits, he doesn't and worse of all has these excuses argh!

But that's the least of my worries...a lot of things are on my mind right now.

I have just concluded some reality tv show, everyone is expecting instant fame, contracts...hmmm

I am also beginning to long to be with God, in His steady presence that is all so quiet...everything around me is so noisy, it's like I am never alone, I am constantly surrounded by bellowing voices, whispers of people chattering, gossiping, laughing...I think am slowly loosing my noggin!

But still I wake up, longing for the breeze to visit my face ever so softly...not like it doesn't, it's just hmmmm

My elder sister is pregnant but I don't feel like a part of her life any more( remember the previous blog nolens volens)

Well now that I am in a new stage of maturity in my life ( I moved out of home, the desire to be her "best friend" overwhelms me but still, I can't pick the phone. You know because of our bitter past, bile is always pre-set at the bottom of her tongue and trust me, when she spits, it's poisonous hmmmm

I also had a falling out with my two best friends from High School, one because I spoke my mind and it was too loud, the other because I spoke my mind and it fell on deaf ears.

I have stopped believing in best friends...now I believe in Angels

Hmmmm



2009/2000 and MINE/2000 and SHINE!

2009-01-25T08:05:38.900-08:00

Everyone has high hopes for this year. You can tell by their swagger in town, they are looking for something even if it is only the beat of their hearts that guides them.

I have such dreams this year too, crazy dreams, and I am not sure if it is vain or not, but they involve making big money:-)

I pray my dreams will take me
to the top of the green hill
where the grass feels as soft as my fantacies
those semi-dream realities
that possess me sometimes to the point where, I dare say
I can do just about anything

I can stand up and let you know what I really think of you
where my friendships are more true than far between
where people understand exactly what I mean

those medleys are beautiful
my heart if so hopeful this year
I will take my doubtful spear
and pierce ...

you want to know what?

keep reading

Happy New Year.
May God cause his face to shine upon you
May He open up the windows of heaven for you
And grant you ...your dreams



This poem was inspired by the Awakening by Sonny Carrol

2008-10-13T02:38:34.336-07:00

THE AWAKENINGMy awakening came one day when I sat on my bed clutching my heart so tight Coz I thought it was going to burst open Pain ripped through me like I had swallowed hot stones that were beating in tandem with my anxietyAnd to my surprise I whispered loudly, there is more to life than James BrownOff course I can’t say his name, my purpose is not to defame him it’s about the awakening, that time that comes in your life when you finally get itYour spirit, In the midst of all your fears and insanity stops you dead in your tracks cries ENOUGH!! Enough fighting and crying Struggling and trying to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after fitful storm, Your sobs begin to subside, and something inside you sees the world Like they were staring out of God’s eyes.The tide is an awakening. You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, Your deranged view of happiness, safety and security Gallop over to the next horizon and disappear Like your belief in Prince Charming, that’s fictionand you are not Cinderella that’s a vision the world paints to taint your focus on facts. The fact is there aren’t fairytale endings or beginnings and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" is with giving the child back to you You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect, not everyone will always love, appreciate your defects and it's OK. They are entitled to their own opinions, they call themselves legion coz their points of view are many So tell me, why would there contusions be a reason to judge your every breath with You awaken when you stop bitching and blaming other people for maiming you by what they did or did not do to you and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.And the awakening, so Wake up and smell the coffee darling, it’s not always about you you learn to overlook shortcomings and human frailties you learn to stop judging and pointing fingers,you learn you learn you learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. Redefining the good people and the goody two-shoesYou learn the difference between wanting and needing, discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, through learningarming yourself with a cross that you now bare gracefully like scars reminding you that the past is not a destinythe stars are things that you should play onwalk on water kind of faith those days are gone You have worn your last crown of bondage Packed all your false realities in storage Coz we all know that love causesYou to learn you learn you learn you learn the difference between romantic love and familial love.when to stop giving, and when to walk away. And it’s okYou learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You a more valuable than an emotional field tripStay at home, read a book, "alone" does not mean lonely.Is there anybody who is feeling me say learnAwakening is when You admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of a wall You stand tall and are thankful and take comfort in things that are simple a full fridge, running water, a warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly you begin to take responsibility for yourself, by yourself,You make a promise to never betray thyselfand to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire.You walk through the wire, umbrella in handBalancing and trusting the windThat you now listen to Because your heart is open to everything wonderful Finally you don’t grab it so hardYou understandwith courage and with God by your side, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and abide to design[...]



The Awakening

2008-10-13T02:34:50.128-07:00

The AwakeningA time comes in your life when you finally get it. When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out -- ENOUGH!! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes.This is your awakening. You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming, and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter), and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you, and in the process a sense of serenity is born out of acceptance. You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect, and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are and it's OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions. And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself, and in the process a sense of newly found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop bitching and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.You learn that not everyone will always be there for you, and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers, and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the crap you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you shouldn't weigh, what you should wear, where you should shop, what you should drive, how and where you should live, what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry, what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children, or what you owe your parents.You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing, and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with, and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility, and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry, and that martyrs get burned at the stake.Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, not intelligent, more lovable, or important because of the man or woman on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as t[...]



SHAME ON YOU!

2008-10-13T02:28:43.971-07:00

(image)

Apostle Nyagah has some nerve declaring that women cannot wear trousers in church I mean, who is he? I have been at this game of salvation and protestant living long enough to declare that, in some churches, Sundays should just be called what they are, A MONEY MAKING SCHEME. Has his pockets grown so heavy with our tithes and offerings that he has forgotten the humble beginning of Neno Evangelistic church, when women wore trousers without a single word of protest from him? Is he so haughty, that he now conveniently forgets that the women –wearing-trousers sermons are the same as crying for a tooth for a tooth and an eye for an eye!

“Behold, the old has gone but the new has come” Jesus did not come to change the law but to complete it, not for people like Apostle sijui who, to declare that women, those low beings that we can dictate to like children, should not wear trousers. The unmitigated cheek! Shame on you!

In campus we had, what I believe was the most ridiculously hypocritical C.U in our pagan existence. Students, who became church leaders by virtue of how loud their tongues could wail, would pompously stand on the pulpit and declare 21st Century chauvinism! These are the same people who have children out of wedlock or were caught at some women’s hostels at an ungodly hour, literally! From this experience, I came to realise that doctrinal decrees are at best whimsical, based on the personal convictions of an individual. These men-of-God have been brought up in gichagi, where there mothers and sisters wore flared long skirts and tied headscarves on their heads. Now in the bid towards earning a shilling, they come to town, start churches and begin passing on their personal beliefs and norms to people, who have seen skirts and trousers long enough to know if you are looking for trouble you will find it!

Does Grace Msalame, a beautiful woman by the way, dress indecently? Hell no! But how many men ogle at her generous hips! Let me tell you, even if you wear a bui bui, if your head is in the gutter, it will look for rubbish. These so called “men” who called Classic 105 this morning declaring that women should not wear trousers…period. These are the same callous fiends who fornicate in private, are probably addicted to porn or have an unsatisfied sex life. Please! Don’t hate what you can’t conquer, and if you share the same school of thought as Apostle Nyagah, then the picture is for you! Bon Appetite!



Beauty for ashes

2008-10-05T06:48:29.589-07:00

I met a beautiful woman who wasn’t happy and that came as quite a surprise to me coz
Beautiful women are made beautiful so that they can be happy
I mean
It all makes sense to me,
If you can live your whole life getting things tax free
Then you’re easy
and you don’t even have to become a politician to survive.


But today, I saw a sad beauty
She was gaudy, with that all rounded feeling of having thought a lot
she hurt a lot
in places culture didnt allow her to talk about
bent over
so that you cant see the makes allover
like a tatoo
yes its taboo to be her right now
no family, no house, no husband and no cow
she is waiting for land to plough
to forget what made her odd somehow

she is broken and no one can fix it
though one time she thought voting would lift her spirit
so she cast a vote and checke yes
yes for better education
yed for better schools and roads
yes for a nation that turned on her three days later
when to her shock and horror
her family was moaned down
axe for axe, pound for pound
her friends were no where to be found
police had turned carcass for hounds
axe for axe
pound for pound

Sad people cannot be happy
they are angry and putrid, filthy and horrid
Blaming every stone for conspiracy by placing itself strategically on their path


They take all their tears and bottle them up,
arrange them in shelves they store them up
so that one day, if a trace of happiness is felt, they sip the solution to remind them how bitter life really is.

They take
axe for axe
pound for pound


they call upon the spirits that tend on mortal thoughts
To fill me from the crown to the toe top-full, Of direst cruelty!
Sad people ask the murdering ministers to come to their woman's breasts,
And change their milk to gall so that not even God can peep through heavens the blanket and cry 'Hold, hold!'

But that is not so for beautiful people
oh no
They wake up every morning,
their bodies aching from last night’s insomnia.
They go on their knees and hustle on in this Sodom and Gomorrah
They sip cold coffee and wear nice shoes that are a tad tighter and cheaper, they have that extra swagger coz inside,
They know that no matter
how small the effort, how faint the smile
they can see the Missisipi from the Nile,
and you can be anything!

They are beautiful not because they were born that way but because they choose to be that way
And live a tax free existence



It's been a minute...

2014-07-19T01:35:28.945-07:00

Seems like thats the fad way of saying "long time no see"

Hey, whoever you are that is interested in my world. I haven't been communicating coz, well, my new place of work has no internet access..good thing coz the new look facebook would have had me hooked for life! lol

A lot has gone on, new job, new friends, new huddles , relationship growth, sickness and complete physical and emotional freedom. Hopefully, I will get some time to explain all this. right now, am mellow so am gonna go and wish you peace, love and eternal blessings...word!



UNTITLED

2008-05-29T06:51:57.869-07:00

And at the end of the day,its always about you
you cannot let anyone steal your joy
It's always about you
you can't pin it on a circumstance
it's always about you
the change comes from within
It's always about you



I wrote this in that melancolic mood suitable for poetry

2008-05-29T06:33:46.510-07:00

I heard a rumour about you Cindy

I heard that you cannot sleep at night
without the breathe of light that comes from
the reassurance that, like ur teddy bear, he will never leave
coz its like they just keep on walking away
and though you try to be real, u
can never stop them talking long enough to make them stay,
those men with spurs who keep scratching against ur skull
dis track, there back
to scare that little girl

and all that is left is a pile of wonder
always thinking about what lies a yonder
I hear that sometimes you can't sleep at night
tossing and turning coz ur tired
but we all know its fright
SING: "for how long will you sing this song...Zion's train is headed home"

I heard a rumour about you Cindy Ogana
I heard that you get confused when you are all alone
so you crack up this smile and hope that with ur tone
happiness will sweep the carpet laid in ur heart by ur mind
i heard that sometimes you embellish being wise and kind
and at times like this when u r stripped
naked to the core, u peer into the abyss
aimless and get shocked by how much the shit is
it's still there?
u swear, ul deal with it later
but for how long will u bribe jack the reaper
with a song
SING: " Zion is headed home"

I heard another rumour about you Cindy Bonita
I heard that you were shifted and found wanting
the grain remained but ur chaff started stinking up
the temple that dwells the Most High , the Messiah
yes sir, I and I ..I
heard that you can lead this temple into temptation
and the good shit is, you always come out smoke free
because the good is God and there's God in me
you are venus,
ur smile makes ur lips blush
came up from the curse, use freddy teddy more like a woman uses a purse
that u love vehemently and don't apologise for knowing
that its ok sometimes to loose ur pregnancy
that it is cool to abort sanity and wonder
coz his staff will bring you back
and theres is nothing to fear pick ur poison girl
guitar or percussion girl
ur song and sing to the world that this girl;s....
"Zion's train is coming..and it will take us home"