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Preview: The Alchemy of Loss

The Alchemy of Loss





Updated: 2013-01-29T08:24:28.333-08:00

 




2012-12-17T12:08:46.016-08:00

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Im 12 and i have trouble with this to and i was wo...

2012-08-15T09:44:28.304-07:00

Im 12 and i have trouble with this to and i was wondering because i used to be fine until i was about 11 so if any1 can give me advice it
would really help



I understand your surprise with the ashes. I must ...

2011-06-26T18:34:34.032-07:00

I understand your surprise with the ashes. I must say though that many widows and widowers have urns of ashes laying around, that they have never done anything with. Many are at a loss to know what to do with them and often feel very guilty about it.

I'm not sure it necessarily means that he's still in so love with his wife that he can't be with you. I think its just that the ashes sort of take on a kind of weird quality, almost forgotten, or overlooked, sort of the way a treasured item is forgotten for a while until someone really looks at it again with fresh eyes and sees it for what it really is.

For me, the people I appreciated most in my life were the ones who would say that they wished they'd known my husband, or would somehow try to honor him, without being threatened by him. I know its a tall order, but the truth is often that although we keep momentoes around, it doesn't mean that we are incapable of loving another person. In fact, we may love another person even more fiercely than most because we understand how precious love really is.

Just some thoughts... they don't necessarily reflect your situation, but thought I might try an offer another perspective.

Hope its helpful in some way.

If you really do feel the need to break up, then you might try and just be honest that you are feeling threatened by how he behaves toward his dead wife. I think what always upset me about #6, was the assumption that there was something wrong with me, and it in saying it, the person didn't have to accept any responsibility for their own part in the demise of the relationship which didn't seem very fair to me.



I have been dating a widower for a few months. His...

2011-06-26T17:59:07.768-07:00

I have been dating a widower for a few months. His wife was killed tragically in a car accident 7 years ago. We have been getting along well and I am patient with the pictures of her everywhere, his discussions of her, and his wedding ring, which he still wears. But the other night, I leaned over the bed to find the urn with her ashes and two smaller urns for the babies they lost. He didn't seem to think it was a big deal and didn't ask me if I was okay or anything. I am not. I wish he had warned me, or offered to be on that side of the bed as we were watching a movie. I know that #6 says to not to say that "you are still in love with your wife" when we break up. But I feel this is the truth. What should I say?



I dated a widower, his deceased wife was a saint a...

2010-11-18T06:50:00.226-08:00

I dated a widower, his deceased wife was a saint and talked about everyday. However I was not allowed to talk about my ex-husband even if it wasn't compliments. There were plenty shrine's around the house for her with her personal items in it. He even talked about her wonderful figure.

He waned me to sell my house and move into her house that he built for her. Because of this we are not together anymore.



nice ;)

2010-06-01T09:44:31.402-07:00

nice ;)



I admire (and understand) the fever to get things ...

2010-03-14T14:07:32.669-07:00

I admire (and understand) the fever to get things done. (But the execution is sooooo much harder.)



I sure hope spring organization fever is contagiou...

2010-03-14T08:33:46.905-07:00

I sure hope spring organization fever is contagious - I could use it. Congrats on the website - looking forward to it. Are you teaching a lit fiction class? Good for you!!!!



Which Kingsolver idd you read? I've read 2 of ...

2010-03-13T20:23:21.958-08:00

Which Kingsolver idd you read? I've read 2 of hers, one I liked much more- The Poisonwood Bible- than the other.



Taxes. In two countries. I should consider myself ...

2010-03-09T11:24:07.713-08:00

Taxes. In two countries. I should consider myself lucky that I am not making much money so neither country has much of an interest in me.

Procrastination, I know it well.



Oh yes! We are definitely in the same zone today.....

2010-03-09T10:37:46.511-08:00

Oh yes! We are definitely in the same zone today... Avoidance, Procrastination, and then some. Especially when it comes to that "T" word. (Shudder.)

I can think of 100 absolutely essential things I must do today (and won't finish), though I admit I'll keep my A/P List back-burnered. Um. Just a little longer.



You were here and I didn't know?! Man! Now I&#...

2010-03-08T13:19:28.299-08:00

You were here and I didn't know?! Man! Now I'm going to have to wait until August to see you, if I can manage to get there!
xox



Yes, it does! It was so amazing to be a proud Can...

2010-03-08T12:07:47.152-08:00

Yes, it does! It was so amazing to be a proud Canadian during the Olympics and have all other Canadians be equally, if not more, patriotic! As you know, we're usually so quiet and reserved about our patriotism, but we're wearing it loud and proud now!! I hope it lasts! Glad you had fun in Vancouver and got to feel the pride bursting from your "Motherland" but sorry about the allergies. I was in Victoria a couple of weeks ago and I loved the cherry blossoms, but I can see how they wouldn't be quite as lovely if they made me want to scratch my eyes out :)



Beautiful picture. And I certainly see why you ima...

2010-03-02T15:28:35.037-08:00

Beautiful picture. And I certainly see why you imagine Calder in that image.

Funny how at times we seem to ask ourselves things like "if there was a fire, what would I grab." Of course, it's the kids first, and then, ironically, it's as many PICTURES of the kids as possible. For me.

For the books, the 30 years of writings, the art with both "value" and "sentimental value," it would be kids, and that precious history of their childhood - for them, and for me.

As for being marginalized - it can (and perhaps eventually) does happen, to many of us.

What an interesting and thoughtful post.



Life is a warning, isn't it. A warning and a e...

2010-03-01T13:51:13.052-08:00

Life is a warning, isn't it. A warning and a exhaultation.



As awful as this sounds, if you do not let him fal...

2010-02-25T20:55:27.159-08:00

As awful as this sounds, if you do not let him fall, he will never learn to get up. I am the mother of a 20 year old and this is the hardest lesson I have ever been taught. Every time I have had to let this lesson sink into my son, it has broken my heart. But, he will learn to think before he acts and that there are consequences to his actions. It will serve him when he reaches his teenage years far more than anything you ever dreamt.
Good Job.



We check every text my son sends and receives, exa...

2010-02-24T12:06:39.017-08:00

We check every text my son sends and receives, exactly because he's gotten in trouble over texting. We compare the phone record to what's on his phone, so we know he's not deleting any. Texting can lead to much trouble! As for the lesson here - about all you can do is apologize and move on. Well done.



It is hard watching these tough lessons take place...

2010-02-24T10:59:05.205-08:00

It is hard watching these tough lessons take place. But perhaps they're the ones that stick.



Barbara Kingsolver- I am jealous!!! Good luck with...

2010-02-19T18:31:01.240-08:00

Barbara Kingsolver- I am jealous!!! Good luck with your reading :)



You have my empathy. The last Match date as I reca...

2010-02-12T16:13:33.438-08:00

You have my empathy. The last Match date as I recall - sometime a year ago or so - a retired gentleman who appeared to be some 20 years older than myself (said he was 12 years older) was after me to go out. We met. He was quite delightful, and I decided to set my own ageism aside, whatever his age was. We had two fab dates, and then he never called again. I'm guessing he was able to find a woman who was even younger. (Or blonder.)

Every now and then I've met someone terrific, but not anywhere geographically workable.

The online world is good for laughs, conversation occasionally, and more frequently than not, beating up your self-esteem, once you're over 40. That may depend upon where you live, but I've seen the same old faces (and old photographs), and I'm afraid I'm with DM on this one - which doesn't mean I think you should stop! You're a hot mama in that picture! And sheer numbers say there ought to be some great people around. If only they wouldn't "hit and run" because they treat others as a commodity product, or not even stop by unless you lie in your stats.

Keep us posted. . .



If you've got it, flaunt it. Why not? And as ...

2010-02-11T10:34:18.163-08:00

If you've got it, flaunt it. Why not?

And as for your profile, I do think it's entirely reasonable to keep the history back. I mean, next time you meet a new Graphic Illustrator (for example) at a party, you're hardly going to start out with 'Hey, did you know I'm a widow, but I'm getting together with that now'?

I don't know what your line would be in that situation. But whatever it is, if you can catch something of the flavour of that approach in your words, perhaps you won't go far wrong. Good luck!



Good luck with match! I don't put a lot of fai...

2010-02-04T14:33:29.553-08:00

Good luck with match! I don't put a lot of faith in it. The day I turned 40, my success rate there dropped 1,000 percent. Match encourages people to seek their preconceived ideal.

What's wrong with meeting people through salsa or writing? How come that's not working?



Yeah, I'm with Julyne. I have not experienced ...

2010-02-04T14:28:36.986-08:00

Yeah, I'm with Julyne. I have not experienced a guy lying about his age or height. And I usually meet really nice people, ones I wouldn't mind being friends with, but it rarely works out that way. As soon as you're clear that the romance thing is a no-go, they are gone.

I wonder though, that girl that created 3 profiles how that ended up? Did she ever wind up with anyone? The end result will be the interesting thing about this experiment.

And Anon, no legs sounds reasonable after respirator dude. And there's no point in waiting a year to change up your profile. How about look out world NOW!



I have been laughing hard at your post! Maybe bec...

2010-02-04T12:12:05.453-08:00

I have been laughing hard at your post! Maybe because it makes me feel better about myself because the last guy who responded to me on a dating site was a guy with no legs and I was so disgusted with that I just gave up on the on-line dating sites. PLEASE!! Am I that unkind and shallow? I too wrote a very honest profile about the widow thing. Maybe it's time for a new one! I have one more year with a school-age kid at home. Look out world after that!!!!!!!!!!!!!



I'm glad you changed your profile. A friend of...

2010-02-03T15:45:03.660-08:00

I'm glad you changed your profile. A friend of mine wrote a story years ago about Match.com. She created three accounts. In one she was an honest women at her honest age looking for a stable, long-term relationship. She was very earnest and honest. She got a few bites.

In the 2nd one, she hinted that she was looking for fun and play (i.e. SEX) and not for anything long-term. Her picture was provocative. She got a TON of emails from that.

And I don't remember the 3rd one, I assume it was something in between.

Food for thought.

As someone who knows many happily married couples who met through Match and who has dated on Match on and off for a few years between boyfriends I have to say that I've never met anyone who lied by 10 years about their age (grounds for dismissal after first sight, after all) or too much on their height (an inch or two is the max I've seen) so don't let that get you down.

What I don't like about Match is that with such a large pool of candidates you have to be picky about something and for women that tends to be income (we specify a certain amount) and height and for men it's youth and beauty (they look for younger). We tend to dismiss based on shallow things many people we'd be attracted to in person. So my being 37 wouldn't matter at a party to a 35-year-old, but he wouldn't look twice at my profile because there are 1000 people younger than me to check out. And that charming, funny graphic illustrator that I can't stop thinking about wouldn't get two glances on Match because he makes less than $75K.